Discovery and Recovery · 11:45pm Aug 26th, 2023
Yep, I’m not dead. I could wax on and on poetically about things as my nature demands, and as would be my right (this is MY blog after all)…but I feel like just getting to the point(s).
1. My last blog (excluding the Summer Sin one) was a bit of an overreaction. I will not be disabling anything on future fics unless specifically asked. It took a personal journey and a half to find out that I was not afraid of the numbers themselves; I was afraid of myself. I hated myself. And I still kinda do. It’s…a sad state of affairs. But I think it takes a person and a half to come to terms with that, and I have. I’m working on retraining my POV to love myself, but it’s hard work. When all you’ve spewed your entire life to yourself is disgust, it’s hard to change that to love. I’m turning the tides but it’s going to take a long while. And therapy. And friends. And—well, you get it. On to number 2.
2. I didn’t do Summer Sin mostly because of that self-hatred and dislike of anything I made, and a miscommunication with someone whom I owed a story and had not delivered to. I retracted my entry on the last day possible and promised to that individual that I would focus instead on this project…only to be told too late that they would rather have seen me have fun with the contest than finish that story posthaste. Yeah…now I’ve learned all about waiting til everything aligns.
So what’s next? Where’s my writing? I’ve only just begun again recently. I’m finally on an upslope and now my anxiety has changed from “I want to die” to “I *don’t* want to die”…but I’ve been on a relatively down slope the past few days. I’ll recover in time with a story or two, but honestly, life is my priority right now. First life, then fillies…even if life isn’t so cute all the time.
I hugely appreciate everyone sticking with me. I’ve been considering an alias change to finally merge my non-foalcon and foalcon identities, but I’ll post further about this as or if it develops. This will mostly just mean more SFW stuff, like music. We’ll explore this later, though.
Stay filly, everypony.
—Deus
It's great to hear that you're getting better mentally. While I adore the stories that you write, I am more than willing to wait for them if it means you're having a happier life. I wish you the best of luck.
Great to hear you're doing better! 😁