Changed Rewrite chapter 1 Draft · 12:05am Jan 23rd, 2023
So, I spent a while writing the draft, and I have a few goals for this.
I want this to be twenty chapters long at most, and have very, very long chapters to make up for the short length of chapters coming out. I’m also going to actually try and write something decent, so any and all feedback would be helpful on this post. This chapter is only about... a third of what is going to make up the first chapter.
I want to post all of the rewrite at once, so this will be a long way away from being posted in full.
Also, for those concerned the old story will be up for your displeasure until this rewrite is completed. Also, ‘So, Funny Story’ will remain unchanged as that is more of a joke story that’s meant to make people laugh.
What’s a Changeling?(Draft)
Ah, lunch time! Where I can eat a questionably colored, flavorless chicken sandwich, some spoiled milk. I grabbed a tray and got in line behind some lady with pink, puffy hair and started making my way down the line. Just as I was about to get that really questionable chicken sandwich, the girl beside me put on some… ears? I think they were pony ears at least. She started to then start slightly tapping the counter with her tray, which kinda sounded like a light kick drum. I scratched my head, but didn’t question it.
I started going to school here about… a week ago and mostly kept to myself. I know that there was something called the Fall Formal, which was something big. I didn’t pay attention to it though, since some girl named Sunset Shimmer pretty much had the thing in the bag. And it just sounded like some big school event that wouldn’t be fun to go to. I have absolutely no friends yet, since everybody stays in their own groups, so I stayed alone. It was just easier, and I wasn’t really ever good at making friends. So I usually poured all my time into my studies to make up for the crippling loneliness.
Also I only know about the Fall Formal because my headphones died during the announcements regarding it. Some other students were apparently responsible for reading the announcements out, so I’ve yet to hear the principal’s voice. I also haven’t seen either of them because I tried my damned best to avoid them.
No, I do not want to tell you how my day is going, Principal… fuck, I don’t even remember her name.
Boy do I know how to solve basic algebra though.
In the corner of a room, some speaker started playing a weird… instrumental that went along with the beat that the girl next to me was beating. A bass guitar started playing in the track as the girl beside me started skipping towards the center of the cafeteria to meet up with some cream-colored haired, cowboy hat while singing a song. “Hey! Hey! Everybody! We’ve got something to say!” I started bobbing my head, since these five girls weren’t too bad at putting on a musical number.
Well, so much for getting that chicken sandwich. Oh well, my last two classes are study hall, so I might as well use this as an opportunity to sneak out of school. I snuck around the perimeter of the room as the pink haired girl, and some purple, curly hair kid opened the doors. Some girl with purple hair, wearing the same ears as the other five girls walked in. I’m assuming that’s the Twilight they were talking about. Whatever, it’s not my problem!
Wait, that was the girl that was running up to the school building on all fours, like some sort of horse or something.
I snuck past who I thought was Sunset Shimmer, who was peeking into the cafeteria from one of the side entrances and she looked kinda angry. Well, I think Sunset might be a bit mentally insane, since she seemed to be dead set on getting that crown you get from the Fall Formal, and that’s the sort of individual I don’t want to be around. Didn’t Flash, some popular kid I keep hearing about, date her? Man, that must suck, to date somebody so mentally unstable. Well, they did break up after a week apparently, so maybe Flash isn’t too much of an idiot.
I snuck out of the building through the front door, which was surprisingly easy by the way, but I guess the principal and the vice principal knew of my scheduling and chose not to bother me. I mean, I’m doing really well in my classes even without needing a study hall to complete my homework, and I got two of them back to back at the end of the day. It’s really fun, since here I am, getting ready to loiter against the statue in front of school like I usually do. I haven’t been able to do it in the last two days, because of a group project I had to do on my own, but now I get to loiter until my brother comes and picks me up.
I was excited, because today was a Friday, and that meant quality brother bonding moments… as in me and my brother go out somewhere, get food, and then hang out until curfew. It’s one of my favorite times of the week, since my brother is usually really busy with school work, because he’s in some advanced digital arts school, so I rarely even get to see him when he isn’t busy with some big project for school.
Without a care in the world, I went to lean up against the statue and started screaming as it sucked me in and I blacked out.
Ugh… my head. Where the heck am I? My vision is really blurry and my head hurts. I rubbed my head with my… where are my fingers? I checked my hand and… it’s a hoof, with a few holes in it. My hooves aren’t hurting from the sizable gaps in them, but I have hooves! Where are my hands? I slowly sat up and I have four legs! What the heck is happening? How in the world do I go home? The room was completely dark, but from what little I could see, this looked like a storage closet of some sort, so maybe I can find somebody and ask them about going home.
I stumbled around the room, as I can barely walk, until I bumped into something. I made it to the wall! Now to just… find the light switch and get the heck out of this closet. It was kinda hard to do, since I didn’t have hands to constantly feel the wall with, so I rubbed my side up against the wall until I found something that felt like a light switch, so I used my head to try and turn the lights on and… wow this place is huge.
What kind of closet was this? It was bigger than mine and my brother’s bedrooms combined, and it seems a bit unfair. In the center of the room was a mirror that I could use to get a good look at myself, but I don’t think I could really walk over there anymore. I have become very accustomed to this wall to make up for my lack of a center of balance. I braced myself and finally stopped leaning on the wall. With a new found confidence I started making my way over to the mirror with a lot more-
I tripped and fell over after three steps… today was going to be a long way.
The double door clicked and opened and… six, no nine eight ponies walked into the room, chatting to each other about something(probably long before they entered the storage closet) and all stopped as soon as their eyes landed on me. I stared at the horses while they stared back, but none of us made a move to really try and do anything. The colors of these guys were really weird.
The first two I immediately noticed, because they were significantly taller than the other five, took my attention first. One of them was the tallest horse in the room, with a nice, clean white coat of fur. She(?) had wings, a horn, a rainbow colored mane that took physics, killed them, and threw them out the window. As the mane was flowing in a wind that didn’t even exist, since I highly doubted wind would be blowing in through the imaginary windows of the closet. The two things that stuck out were a crown and some sort of necklace-color mashup which were made out of solid gold. So chances are, this one was a horse of great importance. Her face was… kinda hard to read, like her eyes were seething with anger, but her face was completely neutral.
The next one, who was the second tallest had a midnight blue coat, with a similar flowing mane to the first one, but with what looked like the night sky in it. She(?) also bore wings and a horn and a crown and collar. The crown and collar looked like they were made out of obsidian, which made them shine and sparkle like the night sky usually would out in the country. She was kinda pretty looking, if it weren’t for the glare she was giving me.
The third tallest was pink, had wings and a horn, and had less flashy royal wear compared to the other two, but it was there. I think it was another female, actually all these horses looked female to me, but I’m no horse expert. Her expression was probably the most scary looking, since she looked ready to bite my face off. I don’t know how effective flat, grass chewing meat would be at tearing my face off, but I don’t want to know or find out.
Before I could get a look at the other six, the midnight blue one broke the silence. “What is a Changeling doing in here?” What is that? Is that some sort of clothing brand here? Apparently these guys wear shoes, so if these guys wore clothes, I wouldn’t be surprised. Why am I glowing? Oh god why the heck am I floating? “Tell me Changeling, what is your queen planning? If you do not, I will-”
“Luna, you are not going to kill this Changeling. We know not of its motives, or if it is even related to the queen that invaded during Cadence’s wedding,” the white one said. “For now, let us put it in the dungeons and question it later. We have more pressing matters at hand, such as waiting for Twilight to return. We could use her better judgment when dealing with these Changelings.” Uh… what?
“But sister, it will only try to escape.” A ring of some sort poofed out of nowhere and it started to levitate over to me with a faint, yellow glow. I am not liking where this is going. I really do not like where this is going at all. I could speak and try and spare myself, but if there is one thing I have learned from watching really terrible interrogation scenes, it’s that talking only gets you into trouble. So it’s best that I remain quiet until whoever this Twilight shows up.
The ring went on my head and I don’t know what it did, but I’ll roll with it. Whatever it takes for me to not become a bloody pulp on the wall, I will take and I will take it in full. So if these ponies want me to wear a weird ring, I will wear a weird ring. As long as I get home before curfew, my mom will kill me if I don’t. Well, she won’t kill me, but she’ll give me this sad look that really makes me rethink life.
I was unceremoniously dropped on my butt(which kinda hurt a lot) in a prison cell and promptly left alone. Well, I wasn’t chained to anything, but I refuse to even attempt escaping. I can barely walk, so what can I do if one of those horses finds me again? I’m not an idiot, I can tell how well defined the muscles on these horses are, and they could pop my head off like it was nothing. Also these guys had some sort of telekinesis, so fleeing was a horrible idea.
Plus I don’t think I'm going home any time soon. I stomped my hooves on the ground as soon as I realized what this meant. I’m livid now, because I’m missing out on the ‘guys night out’ that I was going to have tonight! All because of what? I was a ‘Changeling’ that was ‘dangerous’? Like I was found, face planted, and barely even capable of standing! How am I a threat?
Well, I might as well be productive and get used to my new body. Even if I’ll get sent home after all of this is said and done, I might as well be able to walk without tripping every five feet. So I stood up and took my first step and nearly fell over. I braced myself and took another step before toppling over. I growled at my failure- how did I do that? Aren’t I a horse? Well, I’ll wonder what I am when I’m let out of this prison cell.
I got back on my feet(or should I be saying hooves now?), and took another step. My legs weren’t shaky or anything, so they could easily support my body weight, it just turns out that walking is really hard to do with four legs, no feet or big toes for support, and with a completely different anatomy from the human body that I was used to. I took another with a smile of glee before taking another slow step, and another!
I picked up the pace as I slowly began to break into a trot, remembering how dogs usually trotted and tried to mimic that. It failed miserably the first couple of tries, but I kept on going at it. I’m on the real life grind of relearning how to walk, that’s right, I’m a god! I can trot and run now, fear mortals… What am I going to do now? I suppose I can keep walking in circles, it was actually kinda fun to try new, stupid ways to walk now that I can remain on all four hooves!
I laughed in pure glee as I began to run circles in my cage. I was alone, nobody to keep watch over me for some reason. So how I acted here on my lonesome. Wow, walking was actually getting easier! Man, I cannot wait to tell Sean when I get back home! We’ll have a laugh, he’ll show me some new video project he was making for school, and then I help him film it by being an actor in it.
I ran circles for five hours straight.
God damn, I am bored. Maybe I should make sure I’m actually awake now that I’m over the excitement of being able to walk again. So I licked my teeth and found out they were fangs! What the fuck am I? Some sort of xenomorph? Like whatever I am, then yeah, good on those horses for locking me up because I must be some sort of freak!
Well, I sunk my teeth into my hoof and flinched at the sharp feeling that elicited. Okay, so I now know that I have fangs, some sort of exoskeleton, and that I probably still got a long, long while before anybody finds me. So I got bored and started chipping at the floor with my teeth, because I guess I’m just that bored today. I managed to chip a sizable chunk of the floor out and started rolling it back and forth really quickly until it eventually became a ball. Wow, whatever this stuff was wasn’t durable at all.
Oh well, now I got something to play with. Wow, me a highschool freshman, playing with a rocky ball that I made out of nothing. I pushed it back and forth between my hooves, gnawed on it, hugged it, used it as a pillow. I don’t know what else I did with it, it all became a blur… and now I’m really sleepy. How long has it been? My cell doesn’t… exactly have access to any windows for good reason.
I would’ve liked some sort of clock to tell me the time, though. I woulda had my phone, but my backpack kinda disappeared as soon as I entered the portal. Welp, I might as well go to sleep.
The next day… was pretty uneventful. Some guard came buy, threw a loaf of bread at me, and gave me the stink eye. So I decided to just… remain quiet for the rest of the day while I slowly gnawed down the stalec old, really terrible bread. As an Irish man who has had some french bread, this is a major step down, but I am also a prisoner for… breathing?
Anyways, I don’t think these horses would hand me gourmet bread, but at least they were willing to feed me. I kinda wanna speak to that white horse again, mostly because she spared my life, and I wanna thank her for that. I mean, she coulda killed me, or let me get killed, but she intervened and stopped me from dying a very deadly death.
Yes I know, deadly death is repetitive, and I am really bored, so leave me alone.
I think I’m going insane. That has to be the only explanation for what is happening right now, and I want to- fuck it, I’m going to take a nap.
“Wake up, you fiend.” I blinked a couple times, sat up, and began rubbing my eyes as soon as a familiar voice rang in my ears.
This is much improved.
I most definitely enjoyed the story in its first form, but I can see it is much more cohesive now.
I warn you though, if you do not find within yourself the energy to do a rewrite, then do not let us pressure you.
If you are sure you have the energy and time to do so, then I cheer you on, and wait for the next chapter.
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i got the time, it’s usually just working with my adhd to make sure i get something out.
if i can do that, the i can make something not as bad as the first one