218643

Yes, awesome. You know this is the best piece of advice you have given so far. I never knew that, and always wondered what makes a good story good. I have read MLD twice now. Still couldn't figure it out. I also didn't notice the sentence fragments. I thought for sure Microsoft Word would have notified me of that.

218450

They are an improvement but still need work. You over use "I" and a lot of your sentences are fragments. Your pacing is off and your characters lack development.

Princess Luna’s castle was built at the foot of surrounding mountains. So the sunlight doesn’t really reach her castle. Therefore, I couldn’t see the sun. I only knew it was day time because the sky was blue. I decided to make my way back to Canterlot. I got there and went to the castle to see if Twilight and her friends were still around.

notice how "So the sunlight doesn't really reach her castle." and " Therefore, I couldn't see the sun." are not only sentence fragments but both say the exact same thing. Also, when your writing a story make sure it feels like a story. Don't list out actions done by your character like its a bullet-ed ledger, make it smooth flowing and diverse in its terminology. To put it in simple terms, your story lacks flavor, its bland to read and feels like someones uninteresting diary. So add flavor too it with colorful descriptions and juicy character developments. And remember to give us a reason to care about each action done. Ask yourself, "Does the audience really need to know this to progress the story?" while you read it.

216485

Wait, really? I know that the first few chapters are bad. That's why the first two are down, but I haven't gotten to the third or fourth one yet. I thought for sure though that the later chapters were much better though.