Twiliversary: Twilight

by Zeppo

Appreciation

Twilight waved goodbye to the fillies as they loaded into the royal chariot headed back to Ponyville.

"Bye Auntie Twilight!" called Daring Dash. Twilight waved to the departing chariot with a smile. She always loved to have the fillies over, they were a bright spot in her world.

"My" she said, "she looks so much like Rai-" Twilight stopped herself there, but not soon enough, and the flood of emotions were threatening to spill over as Twilight's legs shook and she shut her eyes tightly. She felt something starting to... give. But before she lost herself completely she took a deep breath, as she did many times before, and mentally forced herself to regain composure. She couldn't let the fillies see her like this, she had to be the cheerful and happy Auntie Twilight to them. She was just finishing her emotional fortification when she heard the all too familiar sound of Celestia's hoof steps come down the stairs to the rear patio. Celestia stood by Twilight and watched the carriage disappear over the horizon.

"Congratulations my dear student" Celestia said as she turned towards Twilight. Twilight continued to stare towards the last position of the carriage. "Is there something wrong?" Celestia asked, obviously worried.

"Hmm? Oh, just tired" said Twilight, "I'll be going to bed now if you don't mind." Celestia nodded but still looked unsure as she watched Twilight head up the stairs to her room.

Don't worry Celestia she told herself, Twilight just needs some time. Celestia would've thought over this more, but the anniversary celebrations meant that she had a backlog of royal business to attend to. She gave a sigh and prepared for a long night as she sauntered back to the throne room.

---

Twilight walked onto an open field, a warm summer breeze making the grass move in waves. In the distance, the rays of the sun could be seen glowing from behind the horizon, giving a nice warm glow that still illuminated the area.

"Twilight, you're late!" called Applejack in a surprisingly loud voice.

"Sorry girls," Twilight said with a pang of guilt, "I was just busy with some royal business."

"Ah Twilight, always somthin', huh?" Applejack said.

"Oh calm down Jackie!" said Pinkie Pie, "Twilight's here now, so the fun can START!" Twilight felt herself rise as she looked around, all her friends were here, albeit very aged, but with a vibrancy that belied their years. Pinkie was trying to hop up and down, Rainbow Dash was lazily gliding through the air, Applejack was cutting a pie with shaky hooves, Fluttershy wheeled over to some arguing animals, and Rarity was trying to get aforementioned Applejack in a conversation about this "crazy new style" all the kids are into. Twilight smiled as she joined them, giving little thought of how little time they-

Twilight woke up before that thought could surface. She had been having that same dream for a while now, and she kept telling herself it did her no service to repeatedly dream about their very last monthly picnic together. Yet she couldn't stop dreaming about them, it hurt her to do so, not to stop thinking of them would be unbearable. She looked at the clock, "2:45 AM."As she also did every night, she took the time to reinforce those supports, mend cracks in her composure that would appear all to often. She then set to work pushing thoughts of her dream out of her head. She had become very good at this as she did it every night for the past-

"So unhealthy."

Twilight bolted upright and looked around in the darkness, which was pretty feeble considering the lack of, well... light. She strained to hear anything else but there was no sound, save for the whistling of a soft breeze through the window. She could have sworn that she sensed a presence near her, and hear a voice, but it disappeared before she could focus on it, and there was a chill in the air despite the downy blankets on her bed.

She didn't get much more sleep that night.

The next morning was business as usual, with Twilight walking out to the town district of Canterlot to run errands and see how the townsfolk were doing. The town was busy as always, with shops displaying their wares and vendors calling promoting the products they had for sale. She was walking by the Doughnut Shop when she heard a strangely familiar voice.

"Ah told ya, I ordered that load long ago, an' ah never got it delivered." Twilight snapped her head around to the source of the noise, but was disappointed to see that it was just some mare complaining about a barrel delivery. This one had slightly darker hair and a cutie mark of a bottle of cider. Twilight knew everyone from ponyville and most from Canterlot, but not this one. She walked over to the donut shop's display stand to listen in while she pretended to observe the pastries, and thought it strange when she learned that a pony was here all the way out from Appleloosa. Nonetheless, she quickly turned away and started to walk off.

But it wasn't "you know who..."

Twilight looked around again, only to be disappointed a second time when she didn't see anyone that could've make the remark. "who are you, and where?" said Twilight under her breath, a chill running up her back. She got no answer, and went about finishing her errands for the day with considerably less energy than usual.

On her way back to the castle,Twilight passed by some fillies playing tag in the remaining light of day. One of them walked up to her.

"Hi pwincess, would you like to play with us?"

"Gem, don't bother the Princess, she is probably very busy" said an older pony walking towards the two, presumably her mother. "Excuse us, you majesty" she said, bowing to Twilight.

"Oh, it's quite alright. You don't need to be so sorry." Twilight assured her. Even so, the mother was visibly sweating and trembling. "Please stop worrying, really. It's only more annoying that you are treating this like a big deal. The mare gave a little yelp in surprise and quickly rose to her hooves. Twilight shook her head to herself when the mother wasn't looking and continued back to the castle.

---

"Goodnight Celestia."

"Goodnight my dear student."

That night, Twilight was unsure about going to sleep. She lay in bed, not really sure what to expect or if anything was even going to happen. She looked to the window and stared there for the longest time, both hoping and dreading for something to happen. She thought back to those messages she kept receiving, "no, don't think about them" she told herself. She knew what it was saying but dare not admit it. Who was talking to her like this, and why? Eventually she gave up, closed her eyes and drifted off to see her friends again.

Twilight once again joined her friends at the picnic in the clearing. She was about to join Pinky Pie in her one thousand five hundred seventy second game of "patty pie". "Alright!" began Pinkie, "Patty pie patty pie baker's mare, bake me a pie as fast as you"- Twilight was laughing but stopped at Pinkie's abrupt pause, for this was not what happened in her dream. She looked up and around, everything was still, as if it we're frozen in time.

Suddenly she felt a presence enter, and she knew that chilling presence, the same one she felt whenever she received those strange messages. Something told her to turn around, and there was a glance of a robed and hooded figure stepping out from behind a tree. Hello, "Auntie Twilight" said a voice that both soothed and chilled to the bone.

Comments

[Holy]

It's a good idea, but the scenes all felt a bit rushed and mashed together.

It starts out well but then it turns a bit incoherent. You may want to take a little more time to flesh out each individual scene and give more detail about the situation and twilights feelings and such. Rather than just go straight to the next scene.

Some transition may also be needed, I was quite confused at the beginning as to when and how the dream sequence had started or even what it was, or what was following her afterwards too. But I've only read the first chapter, so we go on.

[Holy]

Hmm, it is quite an improvement from the last version, but that doesnt mean I still dont have nitpicks.

Some missing commas and apostrophes here and there. The main one is before you end the quotation. If you are going to follow dialogue with a verb describing it, you need a comma. For example:

"Sorry girls" Twilight said with a pang of guilt

should be

"Sorry girls," Twilight said with a pang of guilt

I also feel it wouldnt really be in Celestia's character to talk to herself, so that may be better worded in a thought of hers, not dialogue.

Applejack was cutting a pie with shaky hands,

Ponies don't have hands, silly.

Pinky Pie

Her name is generally "Pinkie Pie", but I don't know if you did that for a reason or not.

As for the number, you may want to spell it out instead. It sits awkwardly in the story as is. Maybe "in her fifteen hundred and seventy second game", or if that feels too clunky, at least put an "nd" on it.

While the scenes were a lot better put together, some of the portion while she was walking through the city felt weird. If you are going to put her in a setting, be specific. What was she there for? Where was she going? Putting more emphasis on certain specifics of the scene can make it more immersive, but be careful, overdoing it can break flow. Also, how did she know that pony was from appleoosa? Little things like that can snap the reader out of the story and draw attention to that instead of the plot.