Chapter 1
It Begins
“Ah don’t know about you guys, but Ah’m getting the feelin’ that we are going to get our cutie-marks this time! Ah just know it!” Applebloom exclaimed, jumping around wildly getting pumped up for the next few days.
“Hey, watch it!” Scootaloo said, trying to dodge Applebloom’s flailing legs. “You’re going to knock somepony out bucking around like that!” Applebloom stopped kicking, but started to trot around their little group just as enthusiastically.
“Sorry, Ah’m just really excited that we’re gonna be doing all this stuff with both of our big sisters and Rainbow Dash! Ah mean, we’re gonna be doing cosmetology with Rarity, we’ll be baking pies and making cider with Applejack and Granny Smith, and we’re gonna be taking Karate with Rainbow Dash! There’s just so much to do, I can’t wait!” Applebloom looked over to where Sweetie Belle walked silently alongside them. “What do you think about it all, Sweetie Belle? You’re oddly quiet.” Sweetie Belle jumped at the sound of her name.
“Oh! Umm… I’m really excited too!” Sweetie Belle started to blush as a heat flared up in her chest and shied away from them.
∞
The three fillies arrived at Sweet Apple Acres right on time so that Big Mac was just hauling the last of the apples back to the cider machine. They heard a large crash as soon as they walked through the gate and wondered what it was. Applejack appeared out from behind the barn.
“Hey, y’all! Come over here, if you don’t mind!” The fillies trotted over to where she was standing to find her staring at a pile of rubble that used to be the cider machine.
“Hey, what happened to the cider maker thingy?” Scootaloo asked, dumbfounded at the sight of the massive heap of wood and metal.
“I dunno, but we won’t be making any cider today, girls. I’m sorry…” Applejack said, “But we can still make pies! Come on, everypony!”
They spent the rest of the day eating apples and baking pies, but Sweetie Belle was still confused as to what that feeling in her chest was. She found herself watching the other fillies; the way their mouths moved when they chewed, and the relative complexity of their hooves as they maneuvered the strips of dough to weave the top crust of the pie simply captivated her. She was getting chills just thinking about them. Sweetie Belle caught herself before she did anything too embarrassing and scolded herself for getting caught up in fantasies. She knew better than to think like that...
∞
When Sweetie Belle got home to the boutique, she saw Rarity starting to pack up her latest creation; a beautiful violet dress filled with iridescent jewels that refracted the light into magnificent rainbows across the room. Sweetie walked over to her sister and waited for her to get finished cleaning up to ask her question.
“Rarity, can I ask you something really serious?” Rarity turned around to see her little sister standing there. She could tell that Sweetie Belle had something on her mind that she wanted to get out.
“Of course, you can, dear! You look troubled, I can only guess what’s on your mind,” Rarity said concernedly, “You can tell me anything.” Sweetie Belle looked down at the ground and spoke very softly.
“What does it feel like to be in love?” Rarity was surprised. She never expected that kind of question to come out of a filly Sweetie Belle’s age. “The last time I asked you,” Sweetie Belle continued, “I was very vague and you started to talk to me in that baby talk you speak to the Cake twins with. This time I made sure to ask you straight out.” Rarity had to think for a moment. She was young and in love once, but it didn’t last for very long because the stallion was only in it for the plot, and Rarity wanted a real relationship.
“W-well, I-I’m not sure. It’s different for everypony,” Rarity explained, “For some it’s butterflies in their stomach, and for others it’s feeling faint whenever their significant other is near them. I’ve also had some ponies say that it’s like a burning flame deep down in their chest. Right where their heart is. So I’m not sure how to answer that.”
Sweetie Belle's heart dropped like a stone when she realized what was going on with her. But instead of breaking apart, like any normal pony would do, she just stood there with her head down, completely silent. NO! she thought, No, it can't be them!,Then all of a sudden, her small body couldn't take the stress anymore and she collapsed onto the floor.
∞
When she woke up, she was in a bed at Ponyville Regional Hospital. Rarity, Scootaloo, Applebloom, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack stood around in the room, apparently waiting for her to wake up. Applebloom was the first to notice.
“Hey, look, she’s awake!” All the ponies in the room rushed to the sides of the bed.
“Oh my goodness, I am so glad you’re alright!” Rarity exclaimed, embracing Sweetie Belle in a hug far stronger than she thought was possible for the mare.
“Rarity! Get off! You’re squishing me!” Sweetie Belle cried out; wanting the other ponies get Rarity off of her.
As soon as Rarity let go, Scootaloo and Applebloom jumped on the bed and virtually tackled her. They started to hug her and Sweetie Belle felt the same heat in her chest that is usually there explode into a full on flame. She started to blush profusely and forced the two fillies off of the bed. As soon as they hit the ground, the doctor walked in.
"I'm sorry to interrupt the hug fest," the doctor apologized, "but I have good news! Sweetie Belle is in perfect health! She can be discharged from the hospital when you're ready." The doctor closed the door and everypony directed their attention to back Sweetie Belle.
"So what was that all about?" Scootaloo asked, "All I heard was that you asked Rarity something and then you just collapsed"
"That's all there really was to it," Sweetie Belle replied, "It was like I couldn't move at all. I started to panic and then all of a sudden, I just blacked out."
"Well could you at least tell us what the question was about?" Applebloom asked. Sweetie Belle looked at Rarity and gave an almost imperceptible shake of her head. Rarity took the queue.
"Oh, it was some silly thing," she answered for Sweetie Belle, " I can hardly remember what it was myself. The important thing is that she is alright and not hurt! But let's get out of this hospital. I'm beginning to feel a bit claustrophobic." They checked Sweetie Belle out of the hospital and continued on their way home.
On the way home, Sweetie Belle started to think who the pony was who made her feel that way. She thought about Scootaloo being that special somepony, but quickly dismissed it. She and Scootaloo did not get along at ALL. She tried to imagine herself and Applebloom, but she didn't feel the same. She couldn't remember if she felt the same when she thought about Scootaloo, but she didn't want to imagine that happening between them. She walked all the rest of the way home in silence. She did NOT want to think about her little problem at the moment.
This is going to be super cute!
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I really liked this, though I think you have a bit of trouble with your dialogue.
Whenever a new character speaks, the dialogue becomes a new paragraph. For example:
This:
Becomes this:
Or this:
It really depends on how much space you prefer in between paragraphs. Remember, walls of text will scare away readers, so you want to try to avoid them. If you want an editor, feel free to come down my way, I'd be glad to edit for you. I'll give this story a thumbs up and a favorite. Also, as a side note, you'll want to change your profile picture. As much as you like your OC, it gives you a novice look, and sometimes will turn away readers. Heh, that saying "Don't judge a book by its cover." is unused here.
Regards,
~Max
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A few things:
- Be careful with your verb tenses. You keep switching between past and present.
- Mind the pacing. You've got a lot of stuff crammed into very few words.
- I hate to bring this out, but do try to remember the whole "show, don't tell" thing.
2448531
I think what this person is saying is that you should totally make it a clop. Clops are sexy.
2448531
This is a story about fillies! I might be twisted enough to laugh through Cupcakes and Sweet Apple Massacre, but i'm not that twisted
2448771
Thanks for that! I was thinking about making the dialogue like that, but it didn't look right for some reason when i laid it out in my head. I'm about to go change that now!
2448806
Thanks for the feedback! My proofreader apparently is a dummy, so I'll go fix it while i'm fixing the dialogue issues. And as for the "show, don't tell" thing, I'm afraid I don't know what you mean by it. If you would clarify that a bit, i'd be forever grateful.
2448953
I'm trying to keep this as PG-13 as possible, sorry. But I might do a clopfic later on when this one is finished so as to: 1) Not taint the innocence of the children, and 2) test my abilities in that field. So I hope you read that one!
2449478
Filly fooling is best fooling. I mean, look at that face. You can't tell me you wouldn't wreck it like Ralph.
i love the idea behind this story! but there isn't enough detail. i'd suggest trying to describe things more, like what she feels when she's with her friends. or the feeling of her being hugged, or her frustrations, and stuff like that. does that make sense? cause i sometimes don't take into consideration that not many people are as detail oriented as i am.
2449487
Meh, like I said, i'm not all that much for clop, but you'll get what you want soon enough
2449508
I'm working on that right now. I'll try to be more descriptive in the next chapter.
2449529
awesome! i'm sure you'll do great!
2449478
Gladly.
"Show, don't tell" means exactly what it sounds like: you "show" the reader something (such as a physical detail, or a line of dialogue) and allow the reader to draw information from that, rather than straight-up "telling" the reader the information. For example, let's say you're writing a LyraBon shipfic. Lyra has a huge crush on Bon-Bon, and you need to give the reader this information. You could simply say "Lyra had a huge crush on Bon-Bon." OR, you could write a little scene where Lyra unexpectedly runs into Bon-Bon in the store and suddenly starts blushing and stammering and generally acting the way you'd expect someone to act when they bump into their crush. The first way gets the information across to the reader, but it's also really boring. The second way doesn't explicitly tell the reader that Lyra has a crush on Bon-Bon, but the details make it obvious that she does. It's a lot more entertaining and engaging, and gives you more room for character development.
Let's look at your second and third paragraphs in this chapter here. In the first paragraph, having Sweetie Belle get a little tongue-tied and blush when Scoots and Applebloom look at her is a great detail that shows she's embarrassed and distracted without having to explicitly state it. Then you kinda ruin the effect by going into a very bland, very "telly" summary of what Sweetie Belle's been feeling over the past few days. You could drop that third paragraph entirely and simply keep the scene going a bit, allowing you to provide more details that show what she's feeling rather than summarizing it for the reader.
All that being said, do keep in mind that there aren't hard and fast rules for this sort of thing. "Telling" can be perfectly fine if used properly in contexts where it makes sense to use it. For the story you're building here, though, I think "showing" would be stronger and more enjoyable to read.
2450276
It was kind of implied that it had been going on for a while. I tried to make sure that that was emphasized because, i mean come on!! You don't fall in love with someone as soon as you see them! Unless you believe in love at first sight. I wanted this to be the story of how Sweetie Belle learns to cope with the fact that she loves somepony, and I'll leave who it is up to your imagination...
2450896
You don't want me to include clop, but you do have a messed up imagination.
> that doesnt logic
2450975
I dunno, but still. If you want clop, I can get you clop. But like I said i'm trying to keep this as PG-13 as possible.
Oh, and: what*
2453305
it was implied that i would write a clopfic later Well technically It would be a love story with sex thrown in, and not exactly a clopfic.
2450845 I can see what you're getting at, but a lot of people likes the bailed up of someone coming to terms with there feelings. I'm not saying that it's bad I'm just saying it's quick pased. But I well keep reading.
2455539
Thank you for the feedback I'm in the middle of writing Chapter 2 right now and I'm pretty sure it has the development that you are looking for
2457994
There's a second chapter, you know. And depending on how it ends, there might just be a third or even a fourth chapter! I just don't know. I want to make it at least somewhat surprising, aaaaaaaand I just had a wonderful idea while writing this and i'm writing it down for later. You'll just have to wait for a little bit!
2458607
Hush up! I'm almost done with the second chapter! At this point there is definitely going to be a third and fourth chapter, and maybe a fifth. You'll get the third and maybe the fourth one tomorrow. All I can say is that you'll most likely be saying "Woah... I didn't see that one coming" when you read the flast chapter.
Don't use "plot" in that context in the story, it just looks bad
And why are the scenes so short? It feels incredibly rushed
Wat. Since when? Last time I checked the three of them were best friends.