Mornings and Memory (Edited)
My name is Dragon Fire I was originally from the land of Equestria. I am writing this journal so that I can remember what drove me to become what I am. I am known to many ponies by many titles. Traitor, Hero, Enemy, Friend, Outcast. But that’s another story for another time. I’m here to tell you about how I became known by these names. I’m here to tell you about a time before I came to The Emerald Hills . Before the fall to Madness.
It was a normal and quiet Saturday morning most of the Adults and all of the foals were asleep, but some of the shops were opening, getting ready for the morning rush. I passed Brandy’s Bar and decided to poke my head in “Hey Brandy I’m heading to the rock farm for my practice need me to pick up some more salt for you?”
The Middle aged bar pony looked up from the glass that he was polishing and grinned. “Hey Dragon Fire it would be great if you pick some up for me.” The ginger stallion with his orange mane looked to me and waved his hoof at a bar stool putting some glasses on the counter. I sat and he poured some cider into each. I was only eighteen so not the legal drinking age but one hard cider wouldn't kill me.
Almost a year ago Brandy moved into our small village. After he did his bar soon grew incredibly popular. I had gone in to see what all the popularity was about and was caught by Brandy. But he didn't kick me out, he sat me down at the bar pored me a small drink and asked who I was. After a time of the two of us talking I asked how he made the drinks he served so good that everypony liked them so much, so he told me. the secret was one-hundred percent pure rock salt. It made the drinks less bitter and not as intoxicating he told me. I asked him how he had enough salt for all the drinks. He told me that he had come to town with two cartloads of the stuff but ran out rather quick so he had to start buying from the rock farm outside of town.
But because of an accident he suffered some time ago he was unable to make the trip. So I decided to tell him about my trips up there to practice every morning and that I could pick up the salt for him and he happily agreed. Soon we had a trade going, I got the salt and he paid me ten bits for each bag I brought him.
“So how are your mom and little brother doing? Are they alright?” He asked sipping his drink. They were more bitter than normal because he was saving the last of his salt for the morning rush.
“There doing well. My brother is trying to build more machines. I swear someday he is going to blow up the house.”
The bar pony chuckled at that and finished his drink.
“Son your brother would be lucky if he didn't blow up the entire village.” I chuckled as well.
“Your right but I got to go. See you later.” I finished my drink and a sudden thought came to mind. “Hey Brandy do you have any of that low alcohol juice still in stock?” The pony in front of me grinned wider and pulled out a bottle with a dark red juice in it.
“So who is the bottle for? I bet its Rain Dance.” He exclaimed.
I felt my skin heat up but he had every reason to believe what he did. I had been talking to Brandy about her for some were near two months. My own mother was kind of hard to talk to about love advice so I turned to the oldest Stallion I knew, and that had been Brandy.
“Yes it’s for her. I’m going to ask her to be my date to the Hearts Warming Eve celebration tomorrow.”
The old Stallion put on a full smile and put a hoof on my shoulder. “Well it’s about time! You’ve been eying her for months and Hearts Warming Eve is as good a time as any to make your play.”
I nodded and reached in to my bag to pay for the bottle but Brandy stopped me. “It’s on the house as a good luck token.”
I slipped the bottle into my bag and got up “Thanks for everything Brandy I’ll be back later.” So I walked out the door and in to the sun.
The air was crisp but cold against my white coat and the winter winds were blowing through my brown mane and around my horn. As the gravel crunched under my hooves I trotted down the main road. More and more ponies were waking up to the refreshing morning and going to the shops and stands to buy food, and spices, to prepare their holiday suppers for tomorrow. As I neared the edge of town I could see the rock farm. It was small but I could see the fields full of large boulders and small stones that provided most of the towns’ salt and iron. I trotted up to the house and knocked and was answered by misses Dust “Hello Dragon Fire good to see you again. Here for mister Brandy’s salt are you?”
She smiled and I replied “Yes ma’ am. Also to apologize for that fence post I accidentally broke the other day. I fixed it for you.”
“Why thank you dear here’s the salt for Brandy.” I took the salt and put in my bags next to the bottle of drink. Miss Dust must have noticed. “So young man who is the bottle of drink for?” I winced as I closed the bag and cursed myself for not putting the salt in my other pouch.
“It’s for me and Rain Dance I’m finally going to ask her out on a date today.” The old woman smiled and gave me a hug.
“That’s so good to hear I hope it goes well” A slight giggle came from behind Miss Dust. She turned around and standing there was a little filly no older than my little brother her pink mane and pink coat making her look much more joyful as she sat there giggling and started singing.
”~Fire and Rain Sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g.~” Her mother stared at her in fury but I ignored her.
“Hi Pinkie what are you doing you little silly filly.” She laughed and ran up to hug me “Ok pinkie you don’t want to suffocate me.”
With a heartfelt sigh she let go and bounced in the same spot “Ok Fire just be careful or Rain will put you out.”
I looked at Miss Dust she was still glaring at Pinkie over her childishness “It’s ok Miss Dust she’s just being a kid and I don’t mind.”
She looked at me and her expression softened and she smiled once again “I know. I’m sorry Dragon Fire. See you tomorrow.”
I looked at the old house mare “Well if all goes right I’m only coming up here for Brandy’s tripped salt order tomorrow.” I nodded to the both of them and trotted off.
They waved as I left and Pinkie jumped up and shouted “Good luck with Rain Dance!”
My trip to the forest was a short one it only being a five minuet trot from the farm. I entered and started following my normal path stopping at a hollowed out tree to extract something. The tree its self was a grand oak with a hollow trunk that was raised off the ground. Its roots acted like an entrance to the small hole in the bottom of the tree. When I was young, no older than my brother, I was exploring with Pinkies older sister Inky through the forest and we stumbled across the tree and decided to look inside the hollow trunk. After a while we started meeting there and it became our little club house that only we knew about. So when we grew up I started to store some things I didn't want my brother getting a hold of in the tree.
I slinked under the roots and poked my head through the hole. There lying among the old drawings and toys that still littered the inside of the club house was my sword. It was a long sword given to me by my mother at a young age. She told me that it had belonged to my father and that he had carried the sword into battle many times and had slain many foes with it. My first thought was that a sword was an odd weapon for a pony to use in battle. Most of the royal army used magic or in the case of the Pegasus soldiers they used their wings in combination with saddle mounted crossbows.
Not many earth ponies were in the army and if they were they were scouts or message carriers. She gave me the sword and told me how it was possible for my father to wield the sword in battle. She told me that my father used his magic for defense rather than offence unlike most unicorn soldiers. He used his magic to heal, shield, and protect himself and his fellow soldiers. After hearing all of this I took the sword and stored it in the tree to keep it safe and practice with it every day.
I levitated the sword out of the tree and strapped the scabbard to my back and fastened the strap that rested on my shoulder. After securing the sword to my back I trotted on down the path to the clearing I practiced in. The clearing was small and green surrounded by tall trees whose branches hang over the clearing shading most of it. Were the branches opened to let the sunlight in a small beam of light shown on a large stump with a hole in the center. I levitated one of the thick round logs lying in the pile I had collected in the woods. I placed the log securely in the stumps hole.
I gave it a tap with my hoof to make sure it was in there securely. When the log didn’t budge a centimeter I stepped back and prepared for my first swing. I reared up on my back hooves and reached my fore hooves to my back to grab the sword. I felt the tingle in my hooves as the magic in the weapon started to work. It latched to my hooves and I drew it out bringing the entire mass of the weapon over my head and on to the log.
The sword cut straight through the log and continued until it split the log in two. I brought the sword back up and returned it to its scabbard in one swift move. The entire swing lasted about half a second as I landed back on all fours. I found another log and replaced the one I destroyed. Before I could turn from the pile of logs something caught my eye, there was some one standing there her red mane and brown coat standing out in the dark forest.
I almost lost my composure and fell to my knees. I was looking right at Rain Dance and she was looking right at me. As I moved my hoof forward to approach she turned and fled. “WAIT!” I called after her running in to the woods. I continued calling the whole time “RAIN DANCE WAIT I CAN EXPLAIN!” But it was no use she was too fast for me and I lost her. “Dammit” I muttered under my breath. “Way to go Dragon Fire you scared off the mare you were going to ask out. Fantastic!”
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your regret. i enjoy it.
>Wight coated unicorn
>Wight coated
>Wight
Wights are the undead or ghouls. You want white as in the colour.
Chronicles, not Chronicals.
One speaker per paragraph.
And work on exposition. It's pretty clunky at the moment. Opening your fic with a physical description of your OC is a pretty poor start that'll turn most off. Layer these details into the narrative in a more natural way. Simply stating them is poor form.
These errors alone would make anyone avoid asking you to preread their stuff. Maybe you should get a prereader to whip this into shape.
Also, barely being over 2k words is hardly long. Long is anything over, like, 9k. Background Pony has long chapters. This chapter is in a comfortable zone that could greatly be expounded upon.
2437610
Thanks. Its good to see you like the story. Just wait that regret is gonna get better.
2437893
Thanks for the tips cant wait to get rid of my current editor for not pointing them out him self. But anyways thanks for the feed back and if I had not stopped there, the chapter would have been over 12k words and give away some of the good bits way to quick. I also thought the same about the opening and that it was to forward but I worked on that through the story mainly some points on the color of his magic, his eyes, and cutie mark and all of them are some of the good bits.
2438216
DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I'M THE MAN WHO'S GONNA BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN... WITH LEMONS! I WILL GET MY TEAM OF ENGINEERS TO INVENT COMBUSTIBLE LEMONS TO BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!
2438278
Yes and I will slice you into bits and then light the bits on fire and then put the ashes in a lake and evaporate the lake using magic. Now stop making fruitless threats and read the story or leave your choice.
2438997 okay. your loss. dirt bag.
I love this story!
2444177
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
Not many people have seen it and some have said it has potential but none have said they love it.
It's just so good to hear.
Chapter two will be out soon with some good bits in it.
Can you check out my story that I wrote its a self insert fic.
It's called legend of the ever free forest: when darkness finds light.
And I may some time make my own sky rim fan fic if it doesn't bother you and I ve played the game.
2444225
I will check out your fic and I don't really care if you make a skyrim fic. But to make a point this is NOT a strait up skyrim crossover I just make some heavy nods to skyrim like the dragon god and the dragon language but dragon fire is not Dovakin and dose not poses the thum. In the case of the dragons they will all speak the dragon language and some times brake into it when speaking to the protagonist and they use it to cast spells almost like the thum. Don't worry I will try and translate if it wont give away stuff that is suppost to stay secret.