New Life in a Nicer place.

by Zoom

Chapter 3: Greetings and Explanations

Chapter 3

Greetings and Explanations

---

I woke up the next morning only to find Chilly Wind staring inches from my face. I jumped backwards and hit the floor with a THUD. As I was trying to get back up, I heard laughter from both Chilly and Zen. Gee whiz, something tells me that I now have a comidian for a little brother, I thought to myself. I looked up and saw that Zen was still chuckling, and Chilly was looking at me with a sheepish look on his face. Heh, I can't stay mad to a face like that.

"C'mere you", I told Chilly. He walked up to me and gave me a hug, then I gave him playful noogie. After we had our little fun, Zen told us that we had to go the train station to get to Ponyville. We got to the train station alright...at 5:30 in morning and the train to Ponyville does not arrive until 7:30. I decided to ask Zen something that I forgot ask earlier.

"Hey Zen", I started, "can I ask you some questions?"

"Sure, just one minute," He said as he turned to face his son, "Sky you can go play with Chilly while Zoom and I talk."

Sky nodded and went to play with Chilly Wind.

"Okay Zoom," Zen began, "whats on your mind?"

"Its about Sky and Chilly, as in; What their special talents are."

"Ah yes, you can see that Sky has a yellow star cutie mark, right? Well, Sky can fly in the dark."

"Isn't that dangerous?"

"Not to him."

"Okay, what about Chilly?"

"As for Chilly, he is different: He has TWO special talents.

"TWO?!"

"Uh-huh, that windtoy cutie mark of his means two things: His sense of humor, AND his wind powers."

"Wind powers?"

"When he sneezes REAL BIG."

"Oh..."

Then, somepony tapped my shoulder, startling me in the process. I turn around and saw that one of Princess Celestia's royal guards was standing right behind me. However, he didn't say anything, instead the guard gave me a scroll, saluted, and then walked away. When that was over, I looked at Zen, who just shrugged in return. At the same time, Sky and Chilly Wind came up to us, looking at the scroll. I decided to read the scroll out loud. I said:

Dear Zoom,

When you get to Ponyville, go to the library to meet the mane six. Don't worry, for I have sent a letter explaining your arrival. As for your friends, Tropic Forest and Meadow, they will arrive tomorrow.

Princess Celesia

Right after I finished the letter, we heard the train coming, and Zen went to get the tickets while I watch the colts. When Zen came back, we got on the train, and went to our seats.

PONYVILLE, HERE WE COME!!!

---

(THIRD PERSON)

Meanwhile, in Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle was waiting for her friends, so they could help setup the,"Welcome to Ponyville," party. The only problem is that they are two hours late, and she is starting to panic.

"OOh...Where are they?" Twilight asked herself.

Then there was a crash, followed by a familier, "OW!"

Then the door opened up and all of her friends came in.

"Sorry we're late, Twi'," Applejack said

"Don't worry, at least Princess Celestia told us about them."

"OK, we have a party to prepare!" Pinkie Pie shouted.

"She's right, we got two hours before they arrive."

---

(FIRST PERSON)

We are finally here in Ponyville. After we got off the train, we were met by two mares and one filly. There was a unicorn mare with turquiose coat, a mane & tail coloured powder blue with a white stripe, and a lyre for a cutie mark. The other mare was a earth pony with a cream coat, mane & tail with dark blue with a pink highlight, and three wrapped candys for a cutie mark. As for the little filly, she was a unicorn with a light blue coat, a purple mane & tail, and a pink flower for a cutie mark. The mares had pleasent smiles, with the young filly looked at us with a glum expression.

"Hello, sirs," The turquiose unicorn said, "Welcome to Ponyville."

"Thank you, ma'am," I began, "My name is Zoom and this is my little brother, Chilly Wind. This is my friend, Zen, and his son, Sky," I said while pointing them.

Nice to meet you, I'm Lyra." She said. Then she pointed to the cream coloured . "This is my wife,Bon Bon." Wife?. Bon Bon just waved at us. "And this is our daughter, Tootsie Flute." The young filly looked at us then looked away from us. I wonder why she is so sad?

While I was looking at Tootsie Flute, Chilly went up to Bon Bon.

"Miss Bon Bon, Why is she so sad," He asked.

She then gave a worried glance to Lyra, who gave a nod in return, Bon Bon began to tell us.

It all happened about a month ago," She explained. "Tootsie was at school playing with her friends one day when she saw a young unicorn colt looking her in a peaceful way. This colt had a dark tan coat and a black mane & tail. He called to her and she went over to him. He told her that his name was Slick Stone and said that she looked cute. You can guess what happened next; they started to hang out more and more each day, they even went on a date with each other, it was love at first sight. Until one day something bad happened.

Tootsie was looking for him, but when she found him, what she saw broke her heart. That colt was kissing another filly! That jerk saw her as the other filly somehow passed out and fell to the floor. With a wicked grin on his face, he walked over to Tootsie Flute, who knew that something was going to happened to her. However; before she could move, "Slick" used his magic to tie her up. But, before he could do anything to her, Ms. Cheerilee the teacher saw what going on, and he ran off. The bad part is, ever since then Tootsie has been sad."

We all stood still, shocked that such a thing could happen, when Chilly spoke up:

"Wait a minute, did this jerk have on a black leather jacket with matching shades?"

Tootsie Flute looked surprised when he said that. She gave a nod in return.

"Well, that jerk is in jail. You see, he tried to do the same thing at the orphanage, only this time he didn't get away. I caught him red hoofed and bucked some of his teeth out." WOW! I better stay on his good side...

Tootsie's eyes started to water when she said: "You mean he won't come back t-to...hurt m-me?"

"Never again-OOF!" was all he could say before Tootsie gave him a big hug that knocked the air out of him. Chilly was both surprised and overwelmed by all the affection he was gettng. As for the rest of us, all of our reactions were different: Zen chuckled at scene; Sky smiled at them; Lyra & Bon Bon looked at each other with a prou smile and a sigh of releif. As for me, I was thinking of two things: The first thing was, Well, I'll be...; and the other thing was, Well done, little brother, it looks like you have made a lifelong friend. When Tootsie Flute finally lets go of Chilly Wind, he passed out with a sheepish grin on his face.

"Thank you," Bon Bon said. "If you hadn't shown up,our daughter would have been sad forever. If you need anything, just name it"

"Actually there is," Zen said. "Do you know the library is?"

"Sure, see that giant tree over there? THAT is library."

"Thank you, but we need to be going now, bye."

I picked up Chilly and the four of us went straight for the library. Little did I know what was going to happen...

---

15 later minutes, after getting my little brother to wake up, we arrived at the library. Zen knocked on the door, but there was no answer. He looked at me with a confused expression, I just shrugged, so we just went in. However, as we entered, it was dark inside. Strange. Then for some reason, the door slamed shut, the lights turned on, and a group of mares come out of nowhere shouting:

SURPRISE!!!

"AAAAH!!" I yelled as I jumped about 5 feet off the floor...and landed on my face. Strangly, Zen and the two colts did the samething to I did. As we were getting up, I look up to find one of the mares right in front of me. This mare had a pink coat, a poofy magenta mane, and 3 balloons for a cutie mark.

"Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie," the pink pony said, "And we made this party for you! Were you surprised, huh, huh, huh?!"

I only nodded, still in shock. Before Pinkie Pie could say anything else, one of the other mares dragged her away.

"Sorry about that, Pinkie Pie can be overwelming, but you'll get used to it." I take a look at the pony talking and she is unicorn mare with a light purple coat, a dark purple mane with a pink stripe, and her cutie mark was a violet 6-pointed with 5 white stars surrounding it. "Anyway, my name is Twilight Sparkle."

"It's nice to meet you, Miss Sparkle"

"Please, call me Twilight." She moved to one side as another mare walked up to us. This mare was a pegasus with a cyan coat, a rainbow mane(?),a cloud with a rainbow lightning bolt for a cutie mark.

"Hey, the name is Rainbow Dash." The rainbow haired pony said. "And I'm the fastest flyer in all of Equestria."

"Well then, Miss Dash, can you teach me how to fly?"

"You bet!"

Then a pony in a stenson hat came up. The mare was an Earth pony with an orange coat, a blonde mane, and 3 apples for a cutie mark. But before I could say anything, she grabbed my hoof, and it felt like my entire body was shaking! "Howdy pardner, ma name's Applejack." She said in a south-western accent.

"Uh...AJ?" Twilight said."I think you're shaking him too hard."

Then she finally stops shaking me."Sorry 'bout that."

"No problem."

After that was over, a unicorn mare with a white coat, a styled purple mane, a 3 diamonds for a cutie mark, came over to us. She looked at me with a thoughtful expression. I guess she was judging me on how I look. She then saw the confused expression on my face and spoke up. "Oh! Sorry if I making you feel uncomfortable," The white mare said. "My name is Rarity and I was looking at you to see if you have any dirt on you." Oh brother...

Before I could say something, I noticed a shivering pink tail under the table. "Rarity, what is that?" I asked, pointing to the table. She sighed and went to the table. When she got there, she used to pull out a shivering Pegasus mare. The pegasus pony had a light yellow coat, a light pink mane, and 3 pink butterflies for a cutie mark. What I don't understand is why she so scared. That is when Twilight speaks up.

"Don't worry," Twilight says. "This is Fluttershy she gets nervous meeting other ponies."

I turn to look at Fluttershy, who is giving me a shy smile, so I gave her a smile in return. After we were done with the introductions, the party went on through the night.

---

Everything is settled. When everypony left, Twilight told us that it would be a good idea for Zen and I to enroll Sky and Chilly Wind at the school in Ponyville. I told her that I will, after Meadow and Tropic Forest arrives tomorrow morning. All of us agreed. She then took us to our rooms upstairs. Before we went upstairs, I saw that Zen was staring at the floor,and he seemed to be lost in thought.Twilight and I looked at each other then back at Zen.

"Zen,you OK?" I asked with concern.

"Hmm? Oh!" Zen said."I'm just thinking of somepony."

"Who?"

"A female zebra named Zecora."

"Wait a minute." Twilight said with a surprised look on her face."Did you say Zecora?"

"Yes I did."

"Well then,you are in luck because she is my friend."

In all my life I have never seen ones' jaw drop like that.

"Zecora is here...?" Was all he said.

Yes but not right now. She went to Appleloosa to get a special plant for a cure. Don't worry, she will be back in a few days"

Seeing that Zen was satisfied with that answer, we all went to our rooms and into bed.However,before I went to sleep, there was one thing still nagging at me: Protect Ponyville from what?

---

Comments

[Gigabyte]

And then all hell broke loose.

I ran out of fics to read :(

[ZKPony]

I've always believed in becoming involved with others when they show an interest in what you do. Thank you for the Favorite and follow.
Now, to criticize! I'm so sorry for the wall of text that is about to follow. Know that my heart is with you. I do this out of love.

Oh man. You are obviously very eager to write a story. And that is a good thing! But! There are some major improvements that you could make that would help you out immensely.
-Characters and how you portray them. Ditch the pictures, use descriptions instead. You told us that you aren't so good at descriptions, but you have to work at it! A picture is worth a thousand words, but we'd rather read them than see them. We'd also like to see introductions handled a bit better. Rather than introducing them as if we already know them, it might be better to let us get to know the characters through dialogue and actions, especially since you're writing OCs. Don't just tell us what a character is like, let the story show us that Tropic is a big, strong farmer. How do we know Meadow is nervous? She hasn't really acted that way.

-Point-Of-View (POV) is a very important tool. It can make or break your story. First person is an easy one to write, because it lets you tell the story through the eyes of a character and what they notice. The key here is that if you are going to tell a first-person story, it needs to stay within the realm of what your characer knows. It's okay to go third person like when you explored Twilight and her friends, but the first person segments need to stay first person. You actually didn't do anything out of person, but just be carefull.

-Plot (*snort*) Ahem, Plot, as in the actual 'Story'. You rushed into it way too fast. I'm sorry to say that I was confused as I read because you didn't offer explanations to anything that happened. It satrts in the introduction and continues throughout your work. Why were you bullied? 'Old friends?' Sucked through a portal? All of those things are fine, but they need to be explained. Why something happens is just as important as the actual event. Even simple explanations, though cliche, will work. 'My friends and I are bronies, so people pick on us. we were ealking to a job interview and a portal opened up, sucking us through to Equestria.' Tie Luna's spell into how they ended up there. Maybe it was a portal spell to let her enter other worlds, but she messed up. (Ugh, so cliche, but still.) Don't rush into the meat of the story if you're telling it right from the beginning. We need setting and background. Sugar and Spice and everything Nice.
Also, please od not force feed us conflict that is so promptly resolved. Tootsie Flute and Chilly Wind. Too. Fast. Hurry up and slow down the story. It will help immensely.
Also, also, I get you're trying to set stuff up with the whole 'Zen somehow knows Zecora', but again, too fast. Which brings us to our next exciting battle! ->

-Pacing. Hot Dang, your story moves fast. With no descriptions given, even of the areas they're in (setting), the story moves way too fast. Pacing is a big pet peeve of mine. You have to give a story time to sink in, let us feel, let us love it. Don't just fill up the thing with purple prose, but at least give us time to think about it. Even the best story will be unreadable if it goes to fast or too slow. You are going lightspeed, man. Slow down, please.

-Grammar and Syntax and a whole other boatload of Writing issues. I noticed some comma issues, incomplete sentences, no punctuation, etc. Some of this can be fixed with Spellcheck, if you are using Microsoft Word. Otherwise, Google search is your best friend. Dictionary.com is cool, too. If you don't know how to use a semicolon, look it up online.
"This is Fluttershy she gets nervous meeting other ponies." SEMICOLON TIME!!!!!!
Also, please please please!
PLEASE! Make a new paragraph for dialogues. You actually connect some dialogues correctly with commas, like Pinkie's lines. But then you do Rainbow Dash wrong.Consistancy is the best type of -ancy!

Lastly because I am getting tired, and can't spell properly right now:
-Awkwardness. The story reads very awkwardly, like a brony's wet dream fantasy about being transported into Equestria. Celestia just gives three aliens a list of what to do when they arrive? Meet the mane six? Protect Ponyville?
That last one could be feasable, if you built up to it. Actually, all of them (except the adoption) could be feasable if you built up to them. As it stands now, nothing makes sense.

TL;DR
My EYES!