Friendship is Magic Redux

by paiohelohelo

Ch. 6- A Series of Meetings, Fortunate and Unfortunate

The Sonic Rainboom was more limping into Canterlot’s hangar than rolling in. The old girl was a complete mess- she had a variable wing fried, an engine still sputtering hot, grey smoke, and black scorch marks all over her surface from where the lightning had struck her. Still, every passenger onboard just seemed to be happy to be on good old terra firma again as the plane had finished making its way down Canterlot’s wide, seemingly ancient runway into a large, round manmade plateau of a structure housing all of the installation’s vehicles.

The engines that were still functioning turned off, and the walkway on the side of the plane came down. As soon as it did, Spike ran out first and puked behind a metal crate before wiping his mouth clean and kissing the ground repeatedly.

“Oh my God, any god, thank all the gods,” he murmured as his lips left the tarmac. “I will never, ever, ever leave my motion sickness pills in Ponyville ever again.”

With that, he immediately wiped his mouth again to clear off the taste of the discarded strawberry- flavored chewing gum that he had just kissed.

“… You know, as we were flying through The Eye, I got to thinking,” Pinkie mused to no one in particular as she debarked the plane, “If we had crash landed like that soccer team in The Andes, would we all have, sooner or later, been forced into the desperate madness of cannibalism?”

“Pinkie Pie…” Twilight groaned as she slowly walked off, her mother helping her along on one side and Fluttershy on the other.

“What? I wouldn’t eat any of you, honest!” Pinkie made a series of gestures, “Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!”

“Please,” Spike begged, as he gagged again, “please don’t talk about flying anymore.”

“But you could all eat me, though, no problemo! Some of the soldiers in Ponyville even said that I looked ‘pretty tasty’!”

“Oh my goodness, Spike, remind me to give you something for that,” Fluttershy made a face as she walked Twilight past Spike’s ‘offering’ on the floor in gratitude to touching down safely. “Goodness, that was quite a bumpy flight. Twilight, are you feeling any better now?”

“Yes, thanks a bunch, Fluttershy.” Twilight swallowed, but her throat was still bone dry. “I could really use an espresso, though.”

“I wonder where the pilot went?” Fluttershy wondered out loud. “Gosh, I hope she’s OK, she always seemed like such a nice person to me… plus, she kind of looked as if she was going to pass out right after we landed.”

“FUCKING CHRIST, DID SOMEBODY THROW UP IN HERE?!?!” Rainbow Dash cried out in anguish from inside The Sonic Rainboom.

“So, um, I gotta go. I’ll see you guys later,” Spike motioned to the city behind him. “I gotta get all the gear unpacked and inventoried.” He made as if to leave, but stopped with a look of worry on his face. “Twilight, are you sure you’re feeling OK now?”

“I’ll be fine, Spike, thank you,” Twilight smiled.

“MOTHER OF GOD, IT. IS. LITERALLY. ALL OVER. THE MOTHERFUCKING PLACE.”

“Later, Spike.”

“Later!” Spike ran off into the distance as fast as his tiny little legs could carry him.

Twilight grinned as she watched him go. “You know, I’m growing more and more fond of him by the minute.”

Velvet smile back tiredly at her daughter.

“FOR CRYING OUT LOOOOOUUUUUD – ALL THE BARF BAGS ARE STILL UNOPENED??? WWWWHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYY”

A lone soldier frowned as she walked up towards The Rainboom. She spotted Twilight half- limping and smiled. Readjusting the rifle on her shoulder, she started walking towards the disembarking group of civilians.

“Howdy!” She greeted warmly. “It seems y’all got more shook up than a paint can in an earthquake! Everybody doin’ OK?”

Twilight, Velvet, Fluttershy and Pinkie stopped in front of the young woman. She was roughly the same age as the three girls in the group, with long, golden blonde hair she wore in a loose ponytail and messy sideswept bangs that settled down across her forehead like strands of stray hay, all under a standard uniform cap. She possessed a tan, freckled complexion to her skin, as well as an athletic soldier’s build under her regulation BDUs. Her friendly, emerald green eyes seemed to smile right along with her mouth. All in all, Twilight observed, she seemed to be the friendliest person Twilight had seen carrying an automatic weapon since she had first arrived at this government- sanctioned nuthouse.

“We’re no worse for the wear, thank you,” Velvet smiled in return. “I’m sorry, but who might you be?”

“Lieutenant Abbie Jacqueline Smith, ma’am, but y’all can jus’ call me Applejack for short, most folks do, anyhow.” The soldier kept on smiling and nodding along with her quaint accent, something that sounded like it came straight from the scenes of an old timey Western.

“Hello, Applejack, I’m Dr. Velvet Sparkle, Harmonics. This is my daughter, Dr. Twilight Sparkle, a newbie-

“- Nice to meet you,” Twilight greeted.

“Howdy, Twilight,” Applejack vigorously shook Twilight’s still weak hand, much too vigorously in the latter’s opinion. “Welcome to Canterlot!”

“Dr. Felicia Cherie, with Medical- “

“So nice to, um, meet you,” Fluttershy smiled politely. “You can just call me Fluttershy… I’m OK with it, honest.”

Applejack shook her hand as well. “Well howdy there, Fluttershy.”

“- And Pinkamena Diane Pie, with IT- “

“Howdy doody, Tutti- Frutti! It’s always nice to meet new people, especially cowgirls!” Pinkie trilled and shook the soldier’s hand enthusiastically. “You can call me Pinkie! I’m actually a doctor, too, but my degrees only count in Mexico and Brunei.”

Applejack smiled and frowned at the same time. “A pleasure makin’ your acquaintance, Pinkie…”

“So, Applejack, is there something we can do for you?” Velvet asked.

Applejack turned to her and grinned in a very friendly way. “Well, I’ve been sent by General Armstrong, ma’am. I’m ta escort Dr. Twilight Sparkle ‘round Canterlot, ta make sure she’s getting’ everythin’ she need’s needin’, and such,”

Velvet’s brow furrowed, but she quickly smiled again. “Oh, that’s alright, dear. Tell the general that she’ll be fine, her mother will take care of her.”

Applejack was still smiling, but was clearly a little less happy to hear that. “Well, uh, begging your pardon, ma’am, but orders are orders…”

“I understand that, lieutentant, but I’m sure that if you tell the general that Director Everstar signed off on it, he’ll let you off the hook. Thank you, anyway, dear.”

Applejack stopped smiling and looked down at her feet. “Well, ta be honest, ma’am, the general also told me that he needed ta talk ta Dr. Sparkle as soon as she arrived… he also said that he wouldn’t take no for an answer, ma’am.”

Velvet sighed. “Alright, Applejack, lead us to his office.”

Applejack continued to look down, shuffling her feet a bit unconsciously out of habit. “I’m real sorry, ma’am, but he specifically requested Dr. Twilight Sparkle… alone.”

Velvet looked displeased by this, but smiled at Applejack anyways. She turned to Twilight and brushed her hair.

“Well, you’re up kiddo. I’ll see you afterwards, OK?”

Twilight looked up at her mother with hope in her eyes. “With coffee?”

Velvet laughed. “Of course, sweetie.”

Twilight joined Applejack, who tried to smile in her friendly way again.

“It was nice meetin’ y’all,” she bid farewell as the others returned the sentiment.

As they were walking away, Velvet called out to Twilight.

“Honey?”

Twilight stopped and turned around. “Yes, mother?”

Velvet stopped and gave her a serious look. “Do you remember what we talked about in South Africa before? About the hippos?”

Twilight frowned. “Yes, mother.”

Velvet said nothing, only nodding to her daughter. Twilight started to walk again alongside Applejack, but threw one last look back before leaving the hangar.

*************************************************************************************************

Twilight sat in the passenger front seat of a newer jeep as Applejack drove them both along Canterlot towards General Armstrong’s office. Applejack would glance at her charge every few minutes, as if she was trying to think of something to say. Twilight was taking in the scenery with a mix of incredulity and awe. The streets were like a time machine trip back towards The Middle Ages, with tall, majestic- looking buildings made purely of stone and gold passing by her in a flash. It was almost like a big budget movie set too, with how colorful and fantastical her surroundings appeared, and Twilight half expected to see elves and wizards strolling around on such a fine sunny day. Instead, all the people she saw were surreally dressed in modern clothing- military uniforms of all shapes and sizes, white lab coats, and yes, plenty of pocket protectors.

“So, uh…” Applejack finally broke the silence, “if ya don’t mind mah asking, what did your mother mean when she asked ya ‘bout hippos in South Africa?”

“Hm?” Twilight’s attention turned to her escort. “Oh, that. Well, I think mom might’ve hit her head a little too hard in midflight.”

Applejack grinned. “Oh. OK, then.” She tried to change her approach. “You n’ your mother work together often?”

Twilight laughed. “Oh, I’m not working with her. Not voluntarily, at least.”

Applejack wasn’t sure what to make of that, so she pressed on. “Yeah, family’s a mite troublesome sometimes, but the way I figure, you can always count on ‘em when the chips are down, right?”

Twilight didn’t respond; she just turned to look at the scenery some more.

“Where did you grow up, Applejack?” She finally continued the conversation.

“Why, New York City, of course,” Applejack smiled. “Did mah accent give it away?”

Twilight smiled back.

“I grew up just outside of Sweetwater, Texas, on an irrigated farm. That’s the real reason why people been calling me Applejack, ‘cus we grow a lot of ‘em. Not ‘cus ‘Abigail Jacqueline Smith’ is that hard ta pronounce, mind you. I suppose i’s also because I got a bit of a kick ‘n me, as well.”

Twilight giggled. Applejack was happy that she was opening up to her.

“Yessirree, we grow all kinds at Sweet Apple Acres. Jus’ me, my granny, n’ my sister, who’s also named Abigail, Abigail Bethany Smith to be precise. Everyone jus’ calls her Apple Bloom, sure enough as I’ve been called Applejack all mah life. I suppose, though, it’s jus’ Granny n’ Applebloom all by their lonesome since I got assigned ta Canterlot.”

“What about your parents?” Twilight inquired.

Applejack pursed her lips. “They passed away a while back. Granny’s been running Sweet Apple Acres ever since mah brother went to Afghanistan.”

Twilight looked guilty for bringing that up. “I’m sorry, Applejack. I didn’t mean to pry.”

Applejack broke out into a big, friendly smile. “Well, shoot, sugarcube, I love ta talk about family! ‘N I like talking to ya, Twilight. What’s that ol’ line from all them black n’ white movies? ‘I feel like this is the beginnin’ of a beeaaau- tiful friendship’,” she added her own twangy emphasis on the last part.

Twilight giggled. Maybe this place won’t just be full of prickly assholes, after all.

“Well, we’re here,” Applejack pulled over at the side of the well- maintained stone road. “The scientists say this used ta be barracks of some sort. We’ll be going up to the top, that’s where the general likes ta stay.”

Twilight got out of the jeep and examined the barracks. Sure, they were built like the other buildings in Canterlot, with the same stone and gold, but there’s was something a little more grim, a little more foreboding about this place. It was a squat, square building as opposed to the rounded curves of most of Canterlot, and it seemed a bit greyer and dingier in appearance. There were no cupolas gracing the top, only elaborate golden spikes, as if they were taken straight off of the gates at Buckingham Palace; behind them solemn looking soldiers stood guard with their M16s.

Inside, the sights were was no prettier. Twilight and Applejack filed in past the seemingly makeshift stations staffed by military personnel, every single one of whom gave Twilight a dirty look when she passed by. She looked down at her ragged sneakers, dirty old jeans and t shirt under a filthy, wrinkled plaid button up, and immediately realized how out of place she looked among the crew cuts and starched uniforms. Instinctively, she hurried her pace down the hallways after Applejack as they both got into an elevator.

“So…” she began once she and Applejack were alone in the large, sterile lift.

“Yes?”

“This General… um, what is he like?”

Applejack looked uncomfortable for the first time since they entered the barracks. “Um, I don’t think I’m at liberty to speak about mah superior officer like that, hon’.”

Twilight grinned. “Like what?”

Applejack didn’t say anything; she just wrinkled her nose and looked up at the ceiling.

Twilight cleared her throat, puffed out her chest, and mocked serious military protocol. “Permission to speak freely, soldier.”

Applejack laughed. “Alright, alright, I’ll give ya somethin’: the boys ‘round here like ta call him Iron Will.”

Twilight frowned. “That’s something?”

Applejack’s laughter faded to a mere smile. “General William ‘Iron Will’ Armstrong.” She leaned in closer, as if somebody would be spying on them. “’Round these parts, Sugarcube, you don’t get a brand new nickname like ‘Iron Will’ outta nowhere unless you really earn it, see what’m sayin’?”

Twilight’s spirits fell. “Oh. I see.”

The elevator beeped and the doors opened to yet another bare hallway.

“This way, sugarcube,” Applejack led her down towards a large, wooden door all the way at the other end.

Twilight approached it. It was nearly black, with those strange alien characters inscribed all over it. She swallowed hard, and then looked at Applejack.

“You wouldn’t, by any chance, want to come in with me too?” she joked, but only partly.

Applejack tried to offer a reassuring smile and a pat on the shoulder.

“Y’all be fine, sugarcube. Now just get on in there and get out fast, like rippin’ off a Band Aid.”

“Right,” Twilight nodded. “Just like a Band Aid.”

“Go on. I’ll be right here when y’all finish,” Applejack prodded her along as she knocked on the door.

“Enter,” a deep, male voice boomed from the other side.

Reluctantly, Twilight walked through the door after Applejack opened it and then closed it again. She found herself in basically every military general’s office that she had ever seen in every war movie. There was the little tank model on the general’s desk, along with the nameplate that said ‘Gen. William Armstrong’ and an expensive looking pen sticking up from its base. Behind the general, who was sitting at his desk signing off on paperwork, were framed Presidential citations, a bunch of war medals, and a diploma from West Point.

Yup, Twilight thought to herself as she waited for the general to speak to her, I should’ve gotten my coffee before this.

General “Iron Will” Armstrong pretended for nearly a full 30 seconds that Twilight wasn’t even standing in the room. Then, crossing his last T’s and dotting his last I’s, he looked up at her, his hands folded.

“Well,” he spoke in a deep voice, “You must be Velvet Sparkle’s daughter.”

“Dr. Twilight Sparkle, actually,” she corrected him.

“Yes, Dr. Sparkle… The Second,” he shuffled all his paperwork and placed it in a filing cabinet.

Twilight stood uneasily. “May I sit down now?” she asked.

“Of course,” Iron Will gestured to the seat in front of him, and she sat down. He looked her over, leering really, and Twilight suddenly realized, again, that she probably looked exactly how she felt: like a sack of tired, caffeine- deprived crap.

“Well Miss Sparkle- “

“Doctor.”

Iron Will smiled. “Dr. Sparkle. I must say that, truthfully, I’ve never been on quite so good terms with your mother,” he leaned back thoughtfully in his chair. “You might say that she’s quite… a handful for me.”

Twilight crossed her arms. “With all due respect, general, I really don’t want to know the specifics of what goes on between you and my mother.”

Iron Will laughed. “Oh, you brainy types are always so quick off the cuff, aren’t cha?”

Twilight smirked and tilted her head in response.

“Thirsty?” Iron Will asked as he reached under hid desk.

Oh please let it be coffee, please God just let it be coffee, Twilight’s pleasure center demanded. Instant, Sanka, anything at all…

To her chagrin, Iron Will pulled out a bottle of Scotch and two glasses.

“No thank you,” Twilight refused politely, but Iron Will still began pouring out two tumblers.

“You wouldn’t believe it, but this bottle of Scotch is older than you, Dr. Sparkle,” Iron Will mused as he dropped in some ice cubes. He took one of the glasses and downed it all in one gulp. He made an “aaah” sound of satisfaction, and then looked at the bottle’s label.

Oh, good lord, Twilight suddenly realized, this is going to be one of those things, isn’t it… where he uses the Scotch as a metaphor…

“You know, Sparkle, a fine Scotch doesn’t just grow on trees. It doesn’t just appear overnight,” Iron Will began lecturing.

It does if you live in Beverley Hills, Twilight sarcastically replied in her head.

“No, it takes time and effort for such a wonderful delicacy to appear. The right starter mash, the right blending, the right barrels of oak to let it sit in for years, maybe even decades. In other words, it needs seasoning.”

“…Seasoning?” Twilight simply replied.

“Yes, seasoning,” Iron Will looked her in the eyes. “Now, I’m not just another military grunt, or at least not to you. I am the highest officially sanctioned military authority in this land, The City of Canterlot, The Kingdom of Equestria, America’s own little dominion in the middle of shit- knows- where. Now, all the ‘academic types’ like your mother won’t stop going on and on about how important this all is,” he gestured around his office, but he clearly meant the entire installation. “How we can and should be doing everything possible to fulfill some Berkeley hippie bullshit wet dream that all you brainiacs can’t stop getting off on.”

“I went to Harvard, sir,” Twilight corrected again.

“And that means… what? To me, personally?” Iron Will feigned confusion, and then settled back into his chair. “You may think you’re such a big shot, just like all the other little Bolsheviks we have running around this city, but you know what, Miss Sparkle? You ain’t shit around here. And do you know why this is the case?”

“Well, off the top of my head,” Twilight feigned thoughtfulness, “I’d have to say, ummmm…. a lack of seasoning, perhaps?”

“I like you much better than your mother, missy,” Iron Will chuckled. “You’ve got a sense of humor. Yes, seasoning. A plus with a gold star attached! Now, I know everything there is for the US government to know about you. I know that everybody thinks that the sun just shines out your mother’s ass, that everybody says she’s the real reason Uncle Sam still pumps money into this gigantic rat maze. I also know that you’re something of The President’s little pet, the same woman who signs my checks over and whose perennially menstruating sister, The Director, won’t stop busting my balls every chance she gets. But that all means diddly squat, little lady, because…” he paused for her to answer as he downed the entire second tumbler in one gulp, the other hand pointing her cue to her.

“… I’m gonna go with seasoning again.”

Iron Will snapped his fingers. “See, you catch on fast, missy. Maybe there’s hope for you around here yet. Because Canterlot is just like any other city in the world- you can’t just come in, fresh of the boat, and be a somebody. You can’t waltz on in and expect the townies to respect you right off the bat. Like every other city on this godforsaken rock, you gotta play the politics. You have to show us all, us, the old gang, that your ass is even worthy of checking out on the street. And that takes years, missy… trust me, it takes many, many years.”

Iron Will undid the bottle cap to pour another glass, but decided against it. He looked at Twilight again.

“A word of advice, Miss Sparkle? Plan out everything you do. Hell, you scientists are good with organization, aren’t cha? Every breath you take here, every shit you take, think to yourself, ‘what good am I really doing for The United States of America and The Equestria Initiative, really? Why should I even be here? What kinds of pains and headaches might I be giving somebody who is way, way more influential and powerful than me?’ ‘Cus, you know, us old timers, Miss Sparkle, we don’t take the constant migraines very well. Hence this,” he shook the bottle that was older than Twilight.

Twilight frowned. “I’m sorry, I think I misunderstood you… are you threatening me?”

Iron Will smiled and folded his hands again. “Why yes, Miss Sparkle… you did misunderstand me. All I’m saying to you, as part of the advice from an old timer to a newbie, is to play it smart, and don’t be a hero… there’s no telling how badly you’d do in The Old City if you don’t learn how to play the politics.”

“And, just so I don’t misunderstand again… you’re the mayor of this little burg, right?” Twilight glared.

Iron Will just smiled.

“No, Miss Sparkle… I’m The Godfather.”

*************************************************************************************************

Applejack noticed Twilight huffing and puffing as she opened the general’s office door for her and led her back to the jeep outside.

“Well, I guess that wasn’t exactly a daisy walk for ya, hon’,” she estimated as they got in the vehicle.

“Oh, no, it went along swimmingly. I’m just like this ‘cus he had no damn coffee.”

“The scotch metaphor?”

Twilight blinked. “It’s that old?”

Applejack patted her on the back and laughed. “Sugarcube, I reckon that man’s metaphor’s older than the whole damn bottle itself.”

Twilight broke out in laughter too. “Shit, I feel like I seriously need to take a bath to rid myself of a few things, least of which is old man stare.”

Applejack smiled and shook her head as she started up the engine. “You know, I have just the place.”

*************************************************************************************************

Twilight got out of the jeep with a canvas bag, inside of which were two towels, some toiletries and a robe. She looked back at Applejack, who was still sitting in the driver’s seat.

“Are you sure about this?” she asked.

“Absolutely. These hot springs’ll fix ya right up n’ have ya feelin’ brand new again in no time! Better than any shower they put up in the housing installations. Best of all, its sort of a city secret too. Just fer us gals,” Applejack winked.

Twilight looked ahead. They were high up in the mountains and it was starting to get late in the day. Applejack was leaving her on a quiet, wooded trail through a dense rainforest.

“I mean, are you sure that you don’t wanna come along with me… this time?”

Applejack smiled. “Aw, no thanks ‘hon, I gotta git back to mah post. But don’t y’all worry none, hardly nobody comes up here, ‘cept the ones that know ‘bout it. There ain’t a whole lotta people in Equestria, anyways.”

Twilight looked down the trail’s path. “If you say so, Applejack.”

“If you need anything, jus’ raise a holler on yer eggo, n’ I’ll come runnin’ up after ya.”

“Thanks Applejack,” Twilight bid farwell. “See you soon.”

“Bye!” Applejack waved her hat in the air as she drove off.

All alone, Twilight made her way down the path. Applejack was right, it wasn’t a very long or strenuous hike to the hot springs. After emerging from the thick forest, Twilight was happily greeted by massive amounts of steam billowing from empty pools of water, which bubbled amidst the placid jungle scene.

Well, almost empty.

Twilight stopped walking when she spotted a young woman, about her age, sponging herself in one of the pools. If Twilight was right in thinking that she currently looked (and maybe even smelled) a little feral, then this woman was her complete antipode. She had smooth, pale, nearly translucent skin, big dark blue eyes surrounded by long, luscious lashes, and probably the most amazing, perfectly styled hair that Twilight, who had a celebrity father, had ever seen in her life- long, wavy, black, almost violet tresses that shimmered in the late day’s sun. The woman looked up from her cleaning and smiled warmly at Twilight.

“Why hello, darling,” she greeted with a little wave and a curious, barely rhotic upper- crust East Coast accent. “Come to enjoy a little rest and relaxation, as well?”

“So sorry,” Twilight excused herself, “I didn’t know the hot springs were taken.”

The woman simply laughed. “Oh, don’t be silly! There’s a whole lot of hot water to go around between the two of us, don’t you think?”

She beckoned Twilight, who slowly decided to strip off her smelly, dirty clothing and join in. However, the woman kept insisting Twilight keep her company in her pool. Twilight joined, reluctantly, as she had realized long beforehand that she really, really, really needed a bath, whereas this friendly, beautiful stranger looked as if she was ready to shoot some sort of erotic perfume commercial.

The women didn’t seem to notice, however, or at least she didn’t show any indications thereof. “What’s your name, darling? I don’t believe I’ve ever seen you here before.”

“Hi, I’m Twilight Sparkle,” Twilight introduced herself. “I’m, uh, kind of new to Canterlot.”

“Twilight Sparkle? Twilight Sparkle,” the woman repeated her name. “Now, I know I’ve heard that name before… ah!” She clapped her hands merrily. “Aren’t you Night Light’s daughter?”

Twilight grinned sheepishly. “The one and only.”

The woman gave a squeal of excitement. “Oh, I can’t believe it! Of all the people to meet in Canterlot, I run into Night Light Sparkle’s baby girl! I have to tell you, I’m such a huge fan of his… You know, the first time I ever saw your father in a movie, I thought to myself, “That man is the hottest thing I’ve ever seen with a six pack and baggy pants.”

Twilight shuddered, even though she was sitting in scalding hot spring water. “Yeah… apparently, you’re not the only one…”

“Oh, dearie, you really don’t remember me, do you?” the woman inquired with a smirk.

“Ummmm… sorry, I’m really bad with names.”

“Darling, we were in the same class at Harvard together.”

Twilight looked embarrassed. “We were? I’m sorry…”

The woman waved it off. “Pish posh, darling, the past is past. But you, you I remember! Twilight Sparkle, born with her father’s good looks and our class Valedictorian to boot, always in hiding underneath all those sweaters, hipster glasses, and stacks upon stacks of textbooks.”

Twilight understood now. She and this classmate of hers had obviously run in different circles at school, Twilight’s being much, much smaller in radius.

“You know, I once tried to get you to come to a party with me… it was being thrown by a sorority that I was trying to join, but as I recall you brushed me off, saying something like… now what was it… ‘I really don’t feel like becoming a Stepford Wife tonight.’”

Twilight blushed. “Yeah, sorry. I was going through an angry, rebellious phase… looooong after I had turned 18. Again, I sincerely apologize for the unnecessary bitchiness.”

“Oh, sweetheart, don’t worry!” the beautiful stranger laughed. “In the end, most of the sorority eventually did become Stepford Wives… in fact, it is I who owes you my sincerest gratitude for the early warning.”

Twilight laughed too and eased up a bit. “I’m really, truly sorry, but might I get your name again? I’m really bad with names.”

“It’s Rarity, darling, Dr. Rarity Belle,” the woman introduced herself with a flourish. “Linguistics Specialist nonpareil, with The Archaeology Division. I work on the Equestrian Codexes with Dr. Lyra Heartstrings.”

“Oh, I don’t think I’ve had the chance to meet her.”

“Oh, but you must! She’s an absolute gem, she is. A little on the kooky side, to be sure, but she is the one who taught me how to properly moisturize and tone your skin in the field!”

Rarity cocked her head at Twilight. “You know, you are positively gorgeous, darling.” She picked up her personal shampoo bottle. “May I?”

Twilight stared at her. “Um…”

Rarity didn’t even wait for an answer; she squeezed out a healthy glob of goo from her bottle, swam behind Twilight, and started to shampoo her hair.

“Okaaay… So, this is happening…”

“My stars, dearie, whenever do you find the time to untangle all of these knots?” Rarity rubbed Twilight’s scalp with a Tahitian vanilla and bergamot orange scented concoction. “And all of these split ends, don’t even get me started…”

“Yes, well- ow- that’s why I- ow!- prefer to wash my own hair, really- OW,” Twilight grumbled under the unwanted makeover attempt.

“Just a moment, darling- now, breathe in,” Rarity said before grabbing Twilight’s entire head and dunking her under the surface for a second. “And now- we condition!”

“I really don’t think this is necessary, at all,” Twilight spurted out water as she came up and Rarity squeezed out some more goo from a second bottle.

“Oh, but it is, darling. I even mixed this up especially for myself! Now, hold still,” Rarity was in the zone, her tongue clutched between her teeth.

“Do linguists usually adhere to such a strict beauty regimen?” Twilight asked sarcastically.

“They do if they’re me, sweetheart. And now- breathe in again!”

“Goddammi- “

SPLASH. Gurgle, gurgle. SPLASH.

When Twilight came up coughing for the second time, Rarity already had a comb in her hand.

“Please… have mercy upon me…”

“Oh, shush!” Rarity chuckled. “This is doing wonders for your volume, you know.”

For a few minutes, Twilight sat uncomfortably as Rarity hummed and combed through her hair. Twilight was pretty sure she had never, in a cumulative amount throughout her entire life, combed her own hair that much, ever.

“You know, darling, you’d have such great hair if you maintained it regularly. So shiny and full, it reminds me a lot of your mother’s.”

“You know my mother?” Twilight was surprised. “Do you corner her and force comb her hair, too?”

Rarity laughed gaily in response. “Oh no dearie, I’ve never really gotten the opportunity.”

“So, then… how do you know her?”

“Why, we work together, of course,” Rarity said as she worked out the last kinks in Twilight’s hair. “The Harmonics Division needs the upmost accuracy in translating Equestrian, so I’ve gotten to know Velvet very well. Such a nice woman; of course her daughter would also be nice, smart and pretty, as well. You Sparkles truly are a lucky bunch, aren’t you?”

“Yes, The Luck of The Sparkles,” Twilight responded flatly. “That’s exactly what it is.”

“All done!” Rarity suddenly exclaimed. “Oh, it turned out just beautiful, don’t you think? Don’t you just love it? Oh, I really think the genuine horn comb really straightened it all out just perfectly- I know an elderly Yupik woman who collects the material cruelty- free, just for me, in the wilderness of Alaska. Do you like it?”

Twilight was handed a mirror, and gasped. Damn, she was hot. Who would’ve thunk it?

Dillon, baby, eat your heart out, she smiled to herself.

“Wow, that’s just… wow.”

Rarity smiled in satisfaction. “You gave me a lot to work with, darling.”

“Twilight, Twilight, are you here?” a voice rang out from the trail behind them. “Twilight, I need to talk-“

Twilight and Rarity turned to see Spike stumbling out of the bushes, panting, and looking generally anemic.

“Twilight, I- OH GOD! You’re naked!” He covered his eyes. “I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry- it’s just that you weren’t answering your eggo, and I got worried, um, and so Pinkie Pie helped me track it here, even though I’ve never been up here before, and, uh, when I heard ‘hot springs’ I thought you would be wearing a bikini- not that I was picturing you in a bikini- “

“Spike, it’s ok.” Twilight shook her head. “What is it?”

Still closing and shielding his eyes, Spike seemed to be locked in an immortal struggle between delivering his message and running away immediately.

“Um… well, when you’re done here, your mother wants to talk to you, and she told me to tell you that she promises to ‘explain everything’. She also told me that Director Everstar wants a word with you afterwards, too. I’ll take you to both of them when you’re, um… ready.”

“Alright, Spike, thanks.” Twilght responded, and then waited. “You can leave now, if you like.”

“Oh, do let him stay!” Rarity playfully shouted in Spike’s direction. “You know, it might be fun if we had a man around here, for once.”

When Spike heard Rarity’s voice, he made a jerking motion as if he were having a heart attack.

“Rarity- I mean, Dr. Belle?”

“Why hello, Spikey- Wikey, so good to see you again,” Rarity winked at Twilight, who looked amused. “Care to join us?”

Spike made a curious sound as if all the air in his lungs was being expelled at once. He hesitated in answering for a while, either because he was having trouble speaking or because he was doing some serious, serious thinking.

“I… I, uh… I really didn’t bring any soap with me…” he finally mumbled in a daze.

“Oh, it’s ok, darling, you can share mine,” Rarity replied rather seductively, “Although I do strongly suggest that you refrain from dropping it.”

“……………..”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Goodbye, Spike.”

“GOODBYE!” Spike ran back towards the trail, eyes still closed.

“I must say, he is really quite good at that,” Rarity observed as he missed running into all the trees. “And also, that was quite a lot of fun, don’t you agree?”

Twilight chuckled, and then sank back into the bubbling pool. “You are absolutely terrible.”

Comments

[ibcrb]

I love it so far! It's My Little Pony meets Indiana Jones meets Wrinkle in Time meets Choose Your Own Adventure. Very entertaining, cerebral, and clever in the storyline and character integration. Can't wait to see how it continues!

[Stoneificaunt]

This is a good story why don't it have more likes.

[TheColorGreen]

“You can call me Pinkie! I’m actually a doctor, too, but my degrees only count in Mexico and Brunei.”

I'd love to find out how this came about.