1: Connection with Twilight
Chapter One: Connection with Twilight
Ethan was a nice guy.
He had a nice smile, nice hair, and a nice personality. Or so he was always told. He tugged on his collar, straighten it, and wiped the sweat from his neckline. The air conditioner must have been on the fritz again. Still, it would be unbecoming to sweat on his work clothes. After all, he wore such nice clothes. He had a nice tie, a nice suit, and nice shoes. Or at least so he was always told. He rolled his pen between his fingers. It was a nice pen. It had a nice glossy surface, a nice flow of ink, and a nice little LED light on the cap. “World’s #1 Accountant” came into view, embossed on the side of it in bright gold letters. It had been a gift from his boss, Mr. Penumbra, when he did a “nice job” on the last set of numbers.
Being an accountant for a big company was a nice job. It had nice pay, nice benefits, and nice hours. He stared out the window of his office and sighed at the sunset. It… usually… had nice hours. Or so he was always told. He was working late again. Another late night in a lonely office. Now, of course, it was a nice office with a nice desk and a nice view of the Cleveland skyline. Or so he was always told. Cleveland was a nice enough city to live in. It had nice people, a nice crime rate, and nice prices. Or so he was always told.
Yes, Ethan was a nice guy. Nice in every sense of the word. And that, you see, was precisely the problem.
Down in the bowels of creation, hidden in between atoms and quarks. Down in the very fundamental forces of the universe, where gods and demigods and goddesses and demigoddesses meet to play poker in a poorly lit room behind a supernova in the center of the galaxy. Down at their little game table when the bets were first placed it was determined. A set of house rules. Now nobody, not even the dealer of that little game down there behind the supernova, knows why. Perhaps it can’t be known for sure. But, you see, it’s an essential fact of the universe. No matter what happens. No black hole, no quantum irregularity, nor world spinning backwards could change this one fact. And that fact is….
The universe hates nice guys.
“Still though,” Ethan said to his computer screen, “Sometimes nice guys get lucky, right?” He sighed. “Well it’s got to be probable at least, right?”
Sadly the spreadsheet program he was running was never designed to answer philosophical questions. If it had been, two things would have been true about this universe. One, that meaning of life would have been discovered. And two, that a user would have to have enabled macros before being able to read it.
There was, however, a certain tranquility in numbers that could transport Ethan to a Zen-like state. As he stared at the second round of semi-quarterly figures for the new benefits package to grace his company’s expense tables he could feel the world blur around him. His office grew dark as the last rays of the sun were engulfed by skyscrapers, the teeth of the horizon. The dusk time lighting lit his office in interesting ways. The cool violet reflected off of the shiny black polished surface of his desk. A blinding glimmer shone into his eye. Ethan ducked his head to the side so the glare wouldn’t affect his ability to see the computer screen.
The light once again blinded his eyes. He raised one of his hands to shield his vision. The glare countered by flashing on and off. He could only imagine a patchy cloud must have been moving in front of the sun. Without looking he reached over and pulled the blinds shut to his window. To his surprise the purple light again blinked into this eyes. The speed of the flashing increased and Zen-like state or not, this glare was beginning to get on his nerves. He looked up from his computer screen to see what could possibly be causing the irritating purple light.
Now in every person’s life there comes a point where something occurs that they are not even remotely prepared for. Sometimes this event is something as simple as a job promotion. Sometimes this event is something sad like a death of a loved one. Sometimes this event is something scary like a car crash. Sometimes though…. Sometimes it’s something rather wonderful. And sometimes…. Sometimes it will change the life of the person forever. For Ethan it was about to be all five.
Before Ethan’s eyes was the strangest sight he had ever seen up to this point in his life. A swirling purple mass of light and smoke hypnotized his tiny nice guy brain. He could only conclude he was staring into a portal to the beyond. This portal could have easily been vindictive or evil. It could have easily devoured Ethan’s nice little office with his nice little desk and nice little view of the Cleveland skyline. It could have dissolved his whole company with brilliant rays of energy. It could have unleashed a hell beast that would ravage the world in eternal misery.
Though it never did those things. Instead it just sat there and pulsed with a blinding light. It was because of that Ethan was convinced of two very important things. One, he was sure that the portal was friendly. And two, that he had most certainly been staring at his spreadsheet program for far too long.
“Hello?” Ethan asked the portal.
Sadly the portal was not one of those magical portals that answers all questions shouted near it. If it had been, two things would have been true about this universe. One, that the meaning of life would have been discovered. And two, that the following wonderful set of events would have never transpired.
The portal, not being one of those question answering portals did little to respond. At least at first it seemed. Soon the flashing light was again blinding poor Ethan’s vision. Though even with his eyes blinded, Ethan had a thought. Perhaps it was possible to communicate with the portal. After all if strange globs of energetic mist and mystical energy were going to appear in his office without first checking his meeting calendar and scheduling a conference room then all bets must have been off.
Now being a Certified Public Accountant covers a lot of laws and finical scenarios. Strangely enough, mystical portals or contact with beings from beyond the dimensional barrier were not covered. Though Ethan suspected that a miscellaneous tax deduction might be possible if pictures were provided. Still, Ethan wouldn’t own a “World’s #1 Accountant” pen if it was useful for something. He raised the end of the pen to face the portal and he flicked the little switch on the side. The tiny LED flickered on and off back at the portal. To his surprise the portal flashed back the same pattern.
“I don’t believe it. This is not happening.” First contact with a mystical beyond. And his mother had always tried nudging him into a science degree. Well… he’d give her and earful next time she called. If he survived the explosion that was happening right before his eyes.
Light and smoke filled the room as the portal widened. It threatened to swallow poor Ethan. In the center of the swirling mass of light was a shadowy figure. He couldn’t make out its exact shape, but it was clearly moving and it was clearly beckoning to him. A distorted voice spoke. “Ethan the Number Slayer?”
“What?” Ethan fell backwards into his rolling chair. Did the magic portal just speak his name? Well yes. Yes it did.
“Are you Ethan the Number Slayer?” The portal demanded.
Now Ethan had been called many things by many people over his short lifetime. But he had never, to the best of his knowledge, been called a Slayer by a shadowy figure in a mystic portal. Still, if he had learned anything from watching 80’s movies involving extra-dimensional beings made of energy, he knew that when someone asks if you’re a slayer of numbers you say yes. “Uh… Yes… I am Ethan.” And if there was anything he learned in big business it was always have plausible deniability. Or something. He wasn’t exactly sure of the correct term, but he could safely say he answered with a true statement. He was most definitely named Ethan. “Uh… To whom am I speaking?” Come to think of it, he wasn’t sure of proper portal etiquette. He assume gentlemanly politeness was the law of the land, but this was an alien species. For all he knew he could be Flrobing the Gaffkaxi. Or something.
The portal collapsed with a flash of light. The shadowy figure stepped forth in a moment that should have lived in history. The first extra-dimensional being to step foot inside our universe. And she choose to visit an accountant’s office. In Cleveland. She should have been greeted with respect and authority. Instead she was greeted with a frightened man huddling behind the desk. “I am Twilight.” Said the being.
“Oh god! Twilight as in…. the zone?” Ethan shuddered.
“Uh… no?” The voice responded with some uncertainty.
Ethan began to lift his head above the desk so he could get a view of this strange talking creature. “Uh… then uh… Twilight as in… the uh… book?” At the last second decision he ducked back down behind the desk.
“Uh…. No. No. I do like books though. I’m Twilight Sparkle as in… the pony. From Equestria.”
“Pony…?” Ethan stood up from his desk and saw the most alarming sight he had ever seen. Now he was fully prepared for some sort of blob monster, metal trashcan robot, or a little green man. But never in his dreams had he thought that his first contact with an extra-dimensional being would be a lavender pony-shaped creature. Though to be perfectly fair, he did not dream often about first contact with an extra-dimensional being. “You’re… a purple talking pony-ish thing.”
The pony gasped. “And you’re… a talking pinkish ape thingy. I never imagined humans looked so… uh…” Twilight’s eyes narrowed as she winced. “Unique.”
Ethan attempted to take a step forward. His eyes were focused on the strange sight before him. His foot collided with the leg of his desk producing a loud thud. He tried not to wince with pain. “You’re a purple talking pony.” He said once more.
The creature tilted her head and her ears flattened back. “Yes. I’m a purple talking pony. A unicorn actually.” The creature raised a hoof and tapped a purple horn on her head.
Ethan reeled back. The full ramifications of the evening’s events were hitting him. “But unicorns aren’t real.”
“Humans aren’t real.” The unicorn said. “At least not where I come from.”
Ethan approached the unicorn and lifted his hand. “This can’t be happening. You can’t be real.”
The unicorn lifted her hoof and brought it close to Ethan’s hand. “One way to find out.”
As his hand came in contact with the unicorn’s hoof a spark of electricity jolted through the two. “Ouch! Okay. I guess I’m not dreaming.”
The unicorn rubbed her hoof. “Must be residual energy from the world linking spell. Ah! But you’re real! You’re really, really real! Do you know what this means?”
“There’s a unicorn in my office.”
The unicorn jumped up and down and pranced around the room. “Yes! Which means it worked! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! It worked! It worked! It worked! YES!”
“What worked?”
“Rainbow said I couldn’t do it. But I did. I successfully cast a spell that linked two parallel worlds together!”
“But how can there be a unicorn in my office?!” Ethan asked. There were over three hundred and twenty eight questions floating around in the accountant’s head at that time. Ninety percent of them were variations of “How can there be a unicorn in my office?” The other ten percent were variations on “Dear god, why me?”
“Oh!” Said the purple unicorn as her horn began to glow. “I almost forgot!” The flaps on a bag strapped to the unicorn’s body opened with some unseen force. A large scroll unfurled and the unicorn began to read aloud from it. “Ahem. I Twilight Sparkle, a unicorn of Equestria, am hereby honored to be part of this historical event. We Equestrians have always yearned for peaceful first contact with another species outside of our world. I can proudly say I am privileged to be the first to extend a hoof...” The unicorn mumbled for a bit. “Extend hoof as you say this line….” The creature lifted its front leg and jutted it out towards Ethan. “To extend a hoof in friendship! May mine be the first in a long line of many meetings and friendships to come!”
Ethan stood in front of the creature speechless. The corners of his mouth twitched.
The unicorn glanced at the human and then back at the paper. “It says here now we greet each other with a hoofshake.”
Ethan stood in front of the creature speechless, his eyes twitching erratically.
The unicorn rolled up the paper, dropped her hoof to the ground, and sighed. “Right… that makes sense why should you have the concept of a hoofshake? You don’t even have hooves…. Sorry, silly me.”
Ethan stood in front of the creature speechless, his fingers twitched slightly.
“Uh… I hope extending a limb like that is not seen as an insult or anything in this universe.” The unicorn’s expression changed to worry. “Uh… in my world it’s an offering of friendship….” The unicorn began to pace in place. “Don’t screw this up, Twilight!” The unicorn lifted up a book out of her bag and pointed to it. “See, it says right here in the Canterlot Dictionary. Hoofshake. Noun. A gripping and shaking of right fore-hooves by two individuals, as to symbolize greeting, congratulation, agreement, or farewell.” She flipped through the pages rapidly. “Though it I suppose the term individuals, while not referring only to ponies in the letter, I have a feeling the spirit of the definition never accounted for first contact with humans.” The unicorn began to twirl around in place. “I’ve ruined EVERYTHING!”
Ethan was jolted alert by the unicorn’s shout. “But how can you be speaking English?”
“Huh?” The unicorn spun around. “What’s English?”
Several books could have been written why a life form from another world would speak English perfectly. Linguists could argue over the improbability that a similarly constructed set of grammar rules would have a nearly identical lexicon without a common root language. However even if such a collection of books existed and even if a collection of suitably boring linguists could be gathered to debate the improbability it still wouldn’t change the fact that Ethan was witnessing a miniature horse speak in a language he understood. Nevertheless, having a suitable answer to that question wouldn’t put Ethan’s mind at ease.
“How did you even get in here?” Ethan asked as he shook his head in disbelief.
“Oh!” A large tome with a dark blue cover floated out of the unicorn’s bag. “I used Starswirl the Bearded’s book of forbidden spells. It took some practice but I was able to get the harmonization of the particle loops to tune into an actual parallel world. The key is really to get the energy lattice to resonate with the internal threshold fractals at a suitable amplitude for the formation of…”
Yes, it was true that the unicorn was speaking some form of English. Though most of the vocabulary seemed to be foreign to Ethan. Perhaps it would have helped if Ethan had gone into a science degree. Like his mother had suggested. Though having a suitable answer to that question wouldn’t put Ethan’s mind at ease. And it most certainly wouldn’t stop the knocking at Ethan’s office door, interrupting the unicorn’s rather detailed explanation.
A high pitched, though undeniably male, voice called out as the doorknob to Ethan’s office rotated. “Hey, Ethan… I was just…”
The human brain’s ability to process large collections stimuli quickly is sometimes alarmingly fast. In the case of Ethan’s brain the following fragments of thoughts sped through in sequence: door, another person, people have eyes, unicorn in the room, unicorn will be seen, person will freak out, person will tell others, mass hysteria, unicorn knows my name, I’ll end up in a lab, secret underground lab, secret underground labs don’t have clean restrooms, I’ll die of some horrid restroom-based plague, that’s a rather undignified death, can’t go to lab, can’t let unicorn talk to them, can’t let unicorn be seen, can’t let person in room, can’t let door open.
Unfortunately the human brain’s ability to execute a large string of complex events quickly is sometimes alarmingly terrible. “Door!” Was all Ethan managed to shout as the nice wooden entryway began to open.
Fortunately unicorn brains, or at least the one belonging to the purple unicorn in Ethan’s office, responded rather well to short commands shouted loudly in their ears. Without so much as a single iota of though, the unicorn’s horn glowed brilliantly and with a loud smack the door to Ethan’s office slammed closed. “Wha…?”
“Hey!” Said the voice from the other side of the door.
With a mighty leap, Ethan slammed his side against the door, pinning it shut with his shoulder. “Uh… busy. Very busy right now…. Spreadsheets, numbers, debits, credits, double-underlined total rows, and all that.”
The voice on the other side chuckled. “Chill, bro. It’s John. Mr. P. went home, like, two hours ago.”
“Who’s John?” The unicorn asked. “And why can’t he come in?”
“Hey, E. Do you have someone in there?” The door handle started to turn.
Ethan gripped the doorknob tightly. His voice reeked of nervousness. “Uh. No. Nobody’s here but me.”
“I’m here.” The unicorn said with an irritated snort. “You know, first contact with an alien species? Kind of important?”
“Funny. It sounds like you’ve got a girl in there! What’s she saying? I can’t hear her though the door.” John said from behind the door. “She sounds hot.”
Ethan leaned harder into the door, keeping it shut tightly despite John’s attempts. “Uh no.” Ethan glanced back at the unicorn. “No girls here.”
“But….” The unicorn looked bewildered for a moment. “Oh! Silly me. I should have guessed that wouldn’t be obvious to an alien species. I’m female. How do humans tell their genders apart? Are there specific pheromones that help you know? Are you sexually dimorphic like us Equestrians?” The unicorn placed a hoof to her mouth. “Not that you’d be able to tell. I’m the first unicorn you’ve seen so there wouldn’t exactly be a stallion around for reference.”
“Sure sounds like there’s a girl in there.” John said. “Major props. I didn’t think you of all people had it in ya. Bro you gotta open this door so I can give you a high five.”
“There’s no girl in here!”
“Bro, I can hear her.”
“That’s… uh… Skype. I’ve got a call running on my computer.” Sometimes it’s amazing how fast the human brain can concoct a convincing fabrication. “That’s why I’m so busy. Yup.”
The unicorn tapped her hoof on the floor. “No. No. It’s Sparkle. Sort of like Twinkle but with an S. I’m not sure how you could mispronounce it so badly. Twilight Sparkle. Not Skype.”
“Dude. Are you holding the door handle so I can’t come in? What Skype call could you possibly have at eight o’clock at night that is so important you don’t have time for your Broski?”
“It’s uh. My girlfriend.”
The unicorn jumped back and slinked to a far corner of the room. “Oh no, no, no!” Ethan watched as the unicorn’s face turned a bright shade of red. “No. Um… no. If I somehow agreed to marriage or… or… consummation… by something I said or did… or didn’t do… or didn’t say… I wholeheartedly apologize. I assure you it was completely unintentional! I am not interested in courtship… at this time.” The unicorn winced and her ears flattened against the sides of her head. “Uh! Not that that would be a bad thing. I’m sure you’re quite handsome for a human stallion!”
Ethan placed his hand to his mouth and whispered harshly at the babbling unicorn. “Hey!”
“Uh?! Mare?” The unicorn tried to hide behind her hooves as Ethan glared at her. “Stallion! Sorry! Of course it’s not hard to tell at all! Right? I mean… your… uh… mane color gives it away! Right?”
“Shut up!” Ethan placed his finger on his lips and hissed. “Shhhh!”
John laughed from the other side of the door. “Right. Your girlfriend. She probably lives in Canada, eh?”
“She could! Canada is like only an hour away from Cleveland. But um… I’m right in the middle of a very important conversation right now! So come… back… later….”
“Yes! Important! First contact here! Go away!” The unicorn added in a singsong.
“Fine, fine.” John said. “When you get a minute come out here and see this thing I made. It’s pretty epic.”
Ethan held his hand up in the air and gestured angrily even though he knew John couldn’t see him through the door. “John, I have absolutely no time for your shenanigans today. I’m… dealing with something huge in this room.”
“Huge? How did you come to that conclusion?” The unicorn inspected her side and then glanced back at the human. “It looks like you’re a about a foot taller than me.”
“Would you just…!” Ethan pantomimed a strangle. “John, I know you’re still there. Go away. Don’t you have work to do or something?”
“Ugh. What’s gotten in to you today, E.? Fine, I’m going. Seriously though. You gotta check this out when you get a minute.” John knocked twice on the door and then, from the sound of his footsteps, appeared to walk away.
Ethan sighed and slid down the length of the door. He was sweating and his hair was a mess. He slunk to the floor and exhaled loudly. “Whew.” For a brief moment a wave of relief washed over the human.
“He seems nice.” Said the unicorn, striking fear back into the human. “Is he one of your friends? Why isn’t he allowed to see me?”
“You’re a unicorn! You don’t exist! You have to go away! Why are you here?!”
“I told you. I’m Twilight Sparkle. I’m a unicorn pony from Equestria, a parallel world to this one. I came here through an inter-dimensional portal to make first contact with the human race.”
The human ran a hand through his hair. “Listen… uh… Twilight…?” The unicorn nodded. “I don’t know why you’re here.” The unicorn opened her mouth. “And frankly I don’t care to know.” The human tried to speak with as calm a tone as possible. “And you seem like you’re a very nice… uh extra-dimensional horse… thing.
“Unicorn.”
“Right… but the thing is. Unicorns don’t exist in this universe. If anyone finds you they will cart you off to an underground lab and cut you open to see what makes you tick.”
The unicorn shook her head. “That doesn’t make sense. Proper scientific procedure would suggest that I would be more useful alive than dead. That way they could conduct behavioral experiments. Dissection should always happen after a natural death on the first subject.”
Ethan sighed. “Clearly this is your first time amongst humans. I’m telling you, your best bet is to just go. If you could just open that portal back up and go away that would be just great.”
The unicorn’s ears folded down. “The amount of magic required to generate the critical frequency of the resonance is substantial enough that I can only achieve….”
“Okay. You’re doing that thing where I ask a question and you speak a lot of words that don’t answer it.”
“Sorry, um… The average unicorn metabolism only converts twenty percent of its calorie intake per day to arcanic forillium and the maximum….”
“GAH! Just go home!” Ethan gripped either side of his face.
“That’s what I was trying to tell you, the inter-dimensional portal requires a….”
“Three words or less!”
“I… uh… can’t.”
“So… that means… what? I’m stuck with you?”
“Yes.” The unicorn nodded. “Well, at least until…”
“Ugh!” Ethan huffed. “I’m not going to the secret underground labs for this! I swear to god! You are just going to have to fend for yourself!”
“But I’m not from this world! If humans are as cruel as you say I could be in danger! You can’t just throw me out! You wouldn’t be that mean would you?”
Well that was certainly true. Ethan couldn’t in good conscious leave the poor thing alone, stranded in an alien world. Ethan was too nice a guy. “Alright…. But I’ve got to get you to a less conspicuous location.”
Too bad the universe hates nice guys.
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I get the feeling that you really like Twilight.
2291374
She's by far the easiest of the main six to write. Her personality lends to placing her in situations that can easily be comedic or dramatic. Plus her magic pretty much allows for almost any situation and is incredibly easy to use as a plot device.
I chuckled. You have my attention.
TROPE DETECTED. EPIC FAIL INCOMING...
i1352.photobucket.com/albums/q641/Wolfkindcx/DoubleFacepalm2_zps6e8e47eb.jpg
Tracking in the slim hope that it'll get better. Doubtful.
2292192
Oh! I was not aware of that particular trope. Which is strange because I read TV tropes a lot.
Though I'm a bit confused why the use of one particular trope is cause for EPIC FAIL. It's quiet impossible to write anything without utilizing some familiar literary devices.
You know, apart from her occasional freakouts, Twilight does actually have a fair amount of common sense. She'd have twigged to what was up with Ethan pretty quickly.
Buck it, it's funnier this way!
2292644
I think the point is that Twilight is right, you don't dissect your only and irreplaceable specimen, because that would be really bloody stupid. But that isn't a problem with the story, because all that matters is that Ethan believes it, not whether he's right.
Great story so far, I laughed a lot
All three plys. The more the merrier!
This story sounds like its going to be very entertaining. Its sounds pretty funny as well. I say go with all 3 types for more variety.
Wow... your protagonist is pretty stupid.
Yes. That's what we do in first contact scenarios. We kill and study the alien.
Because none of their race will ever show up, and they would never get mad at us killing said alien.