Chapter 1
The Seamstress and The Suitor
By: ThePurpleManiac
Disclaimer: All characters belong to their rightful owners.
Chapter 1
The open story begins as the sun rise from its hiding place. It shines down on a small town call, Ponyville. Waking every stallions, mares, fillies, and colts. The sunlight, also, pierces through a window of a small round buiding. Awakening the sleeping mare. She got up stretching and yawning. Pampered herself up, finished eating her breakfast, and began working on her designs.
As the seamstress of a fashion designer, she would always dream to be like those rich ponies from Canterlot. But, sadly, she have to be born here in Ponyville, where being called by those snobby high classes “country ponies” like her. She never like being “country”. She is very ladylike, has a sense of fashion, also keeping herself from being dirty from the dirty ground, and being generous to her friends. Her name is Rarity, one of the elements of harmony and holder of element of generosity.
“If I only wish that someday, some pony, a stallion. Maybe that could take me away from all this. A prince charming perhaps?” her eyes narrowed, “A prince charming who isn't a royal pain....”
The white mare still won't forget the day on what happen at the gala last time with Prince Blueblood. A piece of white fabric was surrounding with light blue aura as it floats on the table where Rarity was.
As she starts cutting the fabric, she places them on the mannequins. Then, magically bring out some equipment as she sings more. She starts daydreaming about herself in a royal wedding with her prince charming. She was wearing a beautiful wedding dress much like Princess Cadence’s wedding dress. Standing beside her is her soon-to-be husband, whose face it not shown to her. (Let’s just said he’s a random pony.) He smiles at her as she did the same.
The daydreaming end when she heard knocking from downstairs as she finishing up her dress. It would probably some customers looking for some outfits.
Afterwards, she open her shop up so letting ponies in her shop for outfits. Greet them politely all is matter. Every pony love designs. While helping a mare find a fitting room, she notice a lovely couple came up for her and ask if she have a wedding dress for the bride to be. She said she did one just today and offer it to the mare.
After seeing her hard work taking away after the bride buys and leaves, Rarity felt like she couldn't have hope to find a special pony for her. She is a beautiful mare and she deserves one for crying out loud. She leaves the shop for a while to see what her friends up to. She was hoping to get thing off her mind and focusing her something else. Maybe finding a stallion perhaps.
Oh, who is she kidding? No stallion would not every see her seriously. Not even a “country” mare like her.
Rarity’s Pov
I actually feel unsightly myself that I would never be able to find me a stallion. I ever imagine what he think of me really? Me? A beautiful mare like me who would do anything for get attention. Oh, listen to me. Jamming on and on with this. What would it matter to be so kind for a living? Maybe. Just maybe I will find my prince charming. As I walk back home, I notice my little sister, Sweetie Bell, who was staying over at my house since my mother and father are on vacation again, walk up to me and gave me a letter that came today. I took it and read it. An invitation to Fancypants’s party from Canterlot. Me? Rarity to Fancypant’s party with the high society? This is absolutely marvelous! So, excited that I starting packing now.
But, I stop myself wonder? Why did Fancypants invite me to the party after what happen last time. Shudder with memories of the disaster of the party that was savages by my friends, who came to visit me to celebrate Twilight's birthday party. My own friends embarrassed me right in front of the rich ponies. The reason was me. All I ever wanted was to blend in and show them that am not a "country" folk from Ponyville and show off my fashion designs.
Maybe... Maybe I wasn't good for them. I never gonna be blended in.
I glance to the window. Seeing not far is Canterlot from Ponyville. I begin to sing. Maybe I tried making a happy face. I walk over to my mirror. Smiling with my "happy face" as I continue singing. My smile went with a frown. No pony would ever think of me like that. I magically over one of my mannequins. I pretend it was a stallion and dance with it. I keep on dancing. Twirling around and around with the mannequin.
Thump!
The mannequin fall on the floor as I stop dancing. Looking at it makes me feel... empty inside. I sat back on the bed curl up in a fetish position. I grabbed a pillow and hug it. Leak of tears starting to come out. I'll go to Canterlot tomorrow.
The next day at the train station, am already to go to Canterlot. All my friends, including, my little sister and her friends are there also. They wish me well and goodbyes. I told them I would write them as soon a possible once I in Canterlot. The train whistles it's whistle meaning letting the passengers know it is time to go. I went in, find me a sit, and look at the window. I wave at my friends by the window as they wave back. The movement of the train start slowly move.
I sigh and look down. I wonder what lays ahead.
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Ok, since nobody is there to give the proper critique and just gives downvotes. I'll do this for them.
Point One:
You could skip the Rarity’s Pov and Third Person's POV. They break the flow of the story and you can do without them.
Point Two:
You should break the paragraphs up a bit to have less of a wall of text feel. Also indent paragraphs it is important.
Point Three:
I believe that
would suit Rarity better.
Point Four:
You should change short description a bit to.
Point Five:
Let's list the mistakes in text:
That's first paragraph. You should get someone to check your text before you publish.
From that paragraph I'm lead to believe that you're not native English speaker.
As such you should take up my advice below.
Final Word:
You're getting downvotes not exactly because of the mistakes. Of what I've seen of the story isn't really that terrible.
You have Blueblood, Rarity and Romance tags. Some people think of the idea as automatically bad.
Find an Editor and Proofreader in one of the groups centered around that on FimFiction.
Try reading the text few times to get every mistake out.
Don't get down and keep on writing. This story has potential.
P.S.: I recommend thirtyminuteponies to get skilled up in writing.
They are fast to write and you get constructive feedback.
well, thanks for the help. and i know about finding a editor and proofreader.
This is good! Although there are some errors, this shall progress very well. I take my word on it.
2260018
thnx and i know about some grammar errors. that is why am looking for some editor and an proofreader.