Fallout equestria: Eternal sleep.
Prologue
Hello there. My name is Port Jumper. I am a pegasus from Ponyville. I used to live a normal everyday life in Ponyville. I didn’t have a job, but I lived with some friends, and tried to help out as best I could. I loved living in Ponyville. Everypony knew each other and everypony was happy. I kept hearing that Equestria was at war, but I didn’t pay attention to it.
Then the bombs fell. I remember the day second by second. I was on a bus going to Fillydelphia. My best friend Kami, a dark blue pegasus like me, with black mane and light brown eyes, was talking to me about anime. He always talks to me about anime. Hell he has a ninja mask as his cutie mark. He got it by trying to break into somepony’s house for some unknown reason. “For the lolz” he said. He actually got to watch quite a bit before the unicorn caught him. After that, he came up to me and said, “Let us never speak of this again.”
Anyways, while he was rambling on about some anime I’ve never heard of, I was staring out the window of cart and started thinking about the war. As a sophomore in Ponyville High, I really shouldn’t care about it, I should just go out and have fun since I was young. But I thought about everything that happened. Big Macintosh dying because he took a bullet to save Princess Celestia, the massacre of the children at Little Hoof, and the ministries going crazy.
While I was thinking, my friend Shokka was keeping Kami busy. Shokka is definitely the oldest of everypony going on this trip, so he’s the one paying for it. Also he is the only unicorn that came with us. He has an orange coat and black mane, and his cutie mark was a quill, because he was a writer, but he mostly wrote stories for anime, sometimes just for Kami.
As they were talking about their anime of the week, I went back to thinking about the war, then I felt a hoof on my shoulder. It was my friend Trebly. She patted my back as if saying, don’t worry, we’ll be fine. I gave her my smile. She was always good at making me feel better. She was grey, with a dark brown mane. She was probably the most optimistic of the group, and was considered the most fit. She was also arguably the most immature out of the group.
“Hey port” Shokka said, “look over here.” As I looked outside, I saw that we we’re nearing Rambling Rock Ridge. Yay, I thought. We’re halfway there.
"Well, at least we’re making good time” said Trebly, staring out the window as well. Kami was being unusually silent, just looking at the floor and messing with his glasses. Well since we were the only four on this train car, which I don’t know why, I asked if everypony was okay if I played some game music. They said they didn’t mind, so I decided to play something random on my ipony. Turn’s out it was pineapple smash crew. Fuck yeah. Love this them.
“Awwwwwwwww yeah” Shokka said.
“Did you just channel your inner Rainbow Dash” I said.
“Yep.”
“I freaking knew it.”
Suddenly Kami exclaimed, “When we get to fillydelphia I call sleeping in the bathtub” Everypony stared a Kami. “What? You guys want beds don’t ya?"
I facehoofed. “That doesn’t mean you sleep in the bathtub. Dear celestia what if Trebly has to piss?"
“Well I’ll just get up for a sec and wait for her to be finished and then go back in”
“Damn it Kami” I said quickly “Why do you always plan this stuff out”
Before Kami could say anything, we heard a announcement over the intercom
“ATTETION EVERYPONY. WE ARE MAKING A UNSCEDULED STOP AT RAMBLING ROCK RIDGE. PLEASE STAY CALM AND IN YOUR SEATS. WE APOLGIZE FOR THE INCONVINICE.”
“Great” I said, rolling my eyes. “Just when I thought we’d be there by tonight.”
Trebly looked at me. “Well think of it this way,” she said to everypony “at least we get to look at something else.”
“What a pile of rocks?” Kami said. He seemed almost as annoyed as I was, although he didn’t try to hide it.
“Hey I’m the one paying for most of this,” Shokka said, standing up “and I think this is a good way to get the most out of our bits.” Then the train stopped.
"Well we’re here.” I said, looking at the ridge. “We might as well look around since we’re here.” We all stepped out of the car. “Well,” I said, “lets go look at some rocks.” But nopony else moved forward.
I decided to fly up to see what was keeping us. Then a shot rang out, nearly hitting my wing. I saw a unicorn hovering his rifle with smoke coming out of it. Everypony gasped, including me. Somepony had almost shot me, and it wasn’t even a zebra
“Stay down civi. If I see anypony else move from this line, I won’t miss” I flew back down in line
“Who does that pony think he is.” Kami said. “I should go over there and-.”
Shokka interrupted him mid sentence. “I’m pretty sure pissing off the pony with a gun ISN’T a good idea.”
“I’m gonna have to agree with Shokka.” Trebly said, looking at me “but first, are you ok Port?”
I sighed. “Yeah I’m fine. Just startled a bit.”
Then the pony that shot at me got on a speaker. “Alright everypony listen,” he said in an actually calm voice. “Everypony stay calm and follow me and these troops. We are taking you to Stable 35. You will stay there until the area is clear. Nopony say a word. Let’s go.” And so everypony moved in a line with the troops.
“Hey Kami.” I whispered.
“What?”
“Guess you aren’t sleeping in the bathtub after all.” I said with a smirk. Kami facehoofed.
“Damn it your right.” Then we approached a tunnel.
“So this is stable-tec’s way of protecting us,” Trebly said.
“I guess so.” Shokka replied.
“Well this gives me a lot of hope.” Trebly sighed.
“Meh. Its not so bad.” I said trying to be the optimist.
Suddenly an alarm went off in the tunnel. Everypony turned to the noise. Then we heard a grinding metal sound. Then a door flew open and we saw inside the inside of the stable. As we marveled at the inside of the stable, the army pony ordered everyone inside. Then he started handing us papers. I got mine first. It read SECTION 14, CAPULSE 1. Then Kami got his, then Shokka, then Trebly. As we looked at each other’s, we found out we all have the same sector. Then we made our way to section 14, as we heard the stable’s door close.
As we were making our way there, Kami said “I wonder if this section has a bathtub.”
I looked at him annoyed. “Are you still on about that?”
“Yes”
I smiled. There was something about Kami that made him my best friend. We were two completely different ponies, yet we got along perfectly.
“Well, it couldn’t hurt if he slept in the tub.” Shokka said. “I don’t care either way.” Once we entered the section, all we saw were capsules.
“Well, looks like you aren’t sleeping in the bathtub Kami” I said smirkingly.
“Awwwwwwwww” Kami said, with a sad look on his face.
Then an intercom came on in our room. “Welcome to Stable 35, pony. You are in section 14. If this your designated sector, please go stand by your capsule.” We all looked at each other.
“Well we might as well do what it says,” Shokka said. So we all stood by our own capsule. The voice on the intercom came back “You will now open up your capsule and step inside of it, after that you will sleep until an administrator disable’s the capsule or until your designated time is up. Every capsule in section 14 has automatic wake up period 200 years from now. Thank you and enjoy your stay”
“Well Shokka,” I said, “you’re pretty much the one paying, should we go in”
“Hm……………” Shokka was in deep thought.
“I think we should go in,” Trebly suddenly piped up. “It shouldn’t be that long until the war is over. We might as well go in and make it quicker.”
“That’s, actually a good idea” Shokka replied. “What do you think Port?"
I looked at them and replied, “I don’t care, whatever you guys want to do. As long as we’re all together I’m fine with whatever we do.” “
Alright,” Trebly nodded. “And what about you Kami?"
There was no answer.
"Kami? Kami? Where in Celestia did he go?"
Then we heard a capsule open. We saw Kami about to enter it, but before he did he said, “I don’t know about you, but I’d rather sleep than get shot. I’m going in. Good night guys.” Then his capsule closed.
“Well fuck it. I’m gonna go ahead and go into mine now. See you guys when we wake up” Shokka said as he entered his capsule, leaving Trebly and me alone.
“Well, I guess we’re going in” I said.
"Yep.” Trebly replied. “Hopefully this works out well, and if things go bad, we at least have each other.” I smiled. That mare could make me happy even when I was in my most depressed mood. “Well here’s to a successful sleep” I said. We both brohoofed before we entered our separate capsules. The last thing I remember is that sonic colors final boss phase 2 was playing, the world becoming dark, and Trebly smiling at me. Then darkness washed upon me. And I slept. And slept. And slept.
interesting story dude.
love to see where it goes from here.
faults wise, a little grammar here and there and punctuation. i recommend having somepony take a run over it to give it that final polish.
also, you have got to get a cover made with no pony editor pics. thats a killer for any story on this site, no matter how good the story may be.
earned a fav on this
2193844
Thanks man. on terms of the cover i hate it myself but i felt like getting at least one up there. I'll get some people to look over this. Again thanks. have a cookie. *hands cookie*
2194119 hmm, i find the fic quite interesting so ill tell you what.
I'm a budding artist myself and has done covers for a few people here and there.
take a look at my dev art page and see what you think of my style, if you feel like it, pm me with some details and ill give a shot at drawing a new cover for you. Dev art page.
So... I have some time, and this have been on my read later list for far to long, so lets get started.
For starters, it would really help with a bigger front for the titles, both ones, and then adding a line between that and the real chapter. Air is your friend in this matter, and it makes the next stand more out.
Beside that do you start your story out a rather... amateurish way. Normally do you only star papers you give your teacher in the lower classes with a presentation of yourself and a greeting. Think on all the other stories that you have read on this site, and on any situation in life, have any story ever started with a "Hey my name is (BLANK) and this is my story..."? Sure some of the newer Disney shows do that, but they are not known for their quality.
I am normally capable of reading most things, that is unless they are giant wall of texts without separations what so ever, but I have to admit, I could not even read this to after the interrupting youtube link that came out from nowhere. Maybe was it that link, maybe was it the non pony pony names that got thrown into the mix, how non fallout feeling the story was with a world anno 2013, or the simple fact that you could not remember if they where on a bus or a train, or for that matter if Port Jumper did actually care or not about the war. Because he does sure speculate and worry a lot for a pony that "kept hearing that Equestria was at war, but I didn’t pay attention to it."
I know that I am harsh, and sorry for being that, but when I see a story like this is there from my point of view two things to do, either say what you mean so the issues can be changed, or walk away and keep the writer in the darkness.
Because you hare problems dude, both with your characterization that is so blunt as Lilpips libido is large, with your eye popping direct and blunt descriptions. (A good rule of thump, if you ever find yourself in describing how a character looks by writing down what colours they have are you doing something wrong. Instead let the ponies stay uncoloured for awhile, and put them into situations that will describe how they look. Indirectly means are always better than the direct ones.) With how it is clear that you don´t know some of the guidelines of literary flow, never add a link that break the flow like that, add a link instead so the reader can choose for themselves.
It is not like I am saying that this is bad, I did not read enough of it to be able to state anything about that, do just listen and hear that I say that this is under my normal standard, and that you could use some more training in writing.
Here are some mistakes that I found while reading:
"As they were talking about there anime of the week" You should use a their here, the there is wrong.
“Hey port” You are missing a sign to end your dialogue with
"I saw that we we’re nearing rambling rock ridge." Are rambling rock ridge a name on a place? It sounds that way, and if it is should it start with capital letters.