A humanoid form, one in golden armor, though unsure of how he came to be, arrives in the wold of Equestria only to find himself in the middle of all the happenings of a certain pony named Twilight Sparkle
The grammar is a mess in places. Structure, same thing. Paragraphs are improper, and on numerous occassions you have multiple speakers within the same paragraph (that's a big technical no-no. Can make it hard to tell who is talking after some time). Also, this is nothing but tell-tell-tell. There is zero showing involved. Your character is very bland as well. There's no depth to him. with how large this chapter is, there should've been some development to him, but there as none at all, just a description.
Amnesia is cliche, your lines of the random chatter in his head when it happened made no sense and was hard to follow. Truthfully, the only reason I continued to read it is that I can get through some things better at three in the morning. Were it a proper time of the day, I probably would've dumped it and moved on to another thing already.
Also, numbers. You typically write out small numbers, i.e. a hundred years, seven years, not 100 years, 7 years. Just another rule with writing. When using a narrative, caps aren't used except in speech, even if it is a first person. Additionally, if you're going for emphasis, you italicize the text in question. Not capitalize it. This applies to both speech and narrative.
I'll take a peek and see if it improves any. Honestly though, you could use someone to go back and properly proofread this and correct the numerous errors that exist within it. If you do get someone to do this, I'd recommend watching them work while in a program like Google Documents (if your writing hasn't improved, and even then, you can learn a lot by watching an editor go to town on a piece of writing). All I got for now
NO.
2141628
It was the first thing that I can really move the story. His past will be complicated to work on.
I like this story so far
2145630
Good to hear, I'm working on the next chapter as it is. It will be obvious what comes next after this kind of prologue.
You have my 'Let\'s see where this goes.'
Celestia… if I found out you dragged me into some mess, I will throw a water balloon at you in the middle of the night…
WOW now that is a threat
2191884
Can't have a very dangerous get-back-at-you ploy.
Just yet anyway.
The grammar is a mess in places. Structure, same thing. Paragraphs are improper, and on numerous occassions you have multiple speakers within the same paragraph (that's a big technical no-no. Can make it hard to tell who is talking after some time). Also, this is nothing but tell-tell-tell. There is zero showing involved. Your character is very bland as well. There's no depth to him. with how large this chapter is, there should've been some development to him, but there as none at all, just a description.
Amnesia is cliche, your lines of the random chatter in his head when it happened made no sense and was hard to follow. Truthfully, the only reason I continued to read it is that I can get through some things better at three in the morning. Were it a proper time of the day, I probably would've dumped it and moved on to another thing already.
Also, numbers. You typically write out small numbers, i.e. a hundred years, seven years, not 100 years, 7 years. Just another rule with writing. When using a narrative, caps aren't used except in speech, even if it is a first person. Additionally, if you're going for emphasis, you italicize the text in question. Not capitalize it. This applies to both speech and narrative.
I'll take a peek and see if it improves any. Honestly though, you could use someone to go back and properly proofread this and correct the numerous errors that exist within it. If you do get someone to do this, I'd recommend watching them work while in a program like Google Documents (if your writing hasn't improved, and even then, you can learn a lot by watching an editor go to town on a piece of writing). All I got for now