- Member Since 10th Dec, 2012
- offline last seen Nov 15th, 2023
Burnasius
Making fics that suit my interest and preferences.
Burnasius
Joined 10th Dec, 2012 ·
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NO.
2141628
It was the first thing that I can really move the story. His past will be complicated to work on.
I like this story so far
2145630
Good to hear, I'm working on the next chapter as it is. It will be obvious what comes next after this kind of prologue.
You have my 'Let\'s see where this goes.'
I will look forward to his developing relationship with Celestia...
2191811
Will take some time for me to try and establish that but I have more things in store.
Celestia… if I found out you dragged me into some mess, I will throw a water balloon at you in the middle of the night…
WOW now that is a threat
2191884
Can't have a very dangerous get-back-at-you ploy.
Just yet anyway.
Taking a wild guess here. Is the pair Alphonse and Edward?
2192832
Unfortunately, no, if they were, I would have added 'Crossover' at the start.
I admit the concept may have some relation with Fullmetal Alchemist, but Daybreak is not Alphonse, Daybreak is in gold and his armor is empty to all the ponies but inside, he knows he is alive... somewhat.
His race is complicated, something I've been working on for so long, I'll just have to work on a blog post sometime in the future and keep referencing it when I do finish that, to clear things up, I suppose.
2194755
The main thing was that line there at the end that did it.
2194810
Yeah, I guess that's where it does seem like Alphonse is being called out by Edward.
This could be promising.
...
(Looks at own story's 1,000 to 5,000 word chapters.)
Well. let's get started.
2229338
About that...
When I pour all my heart and efforts for something I tend to lose track of time and word count so yeah... that's how it happens.
Nice story and i absolutely LOVE 10k+ word chapter stories!
You have some grammar issues here and there but nothing sufficient that I am unable to read around.
Please continue as you have earned a thumb and star from this humble reader.
2245493
Thank you. Though I try to fix the mistakes here and there, I am still with flaw.
Still, Working on my chapters do take time.
LoL Wingboner hehe!
hehe
celstia??? isn't the name Cel'e'stia
Looks like someone likes daybreak
2397752
Well, there was a very distinct lack of male alicorns.
2397872 1000 years can do that can't it
2395790
LOL... nothing else to say about that...
My week has been made!
yay
2528747>>2529094
Good to know there are readers for my story.
2529162 why WOULDN'T WE
it's so awesome
2529303
I thank you for that.
May I ask a question other than this one? Why do you add parts of the next chapter? I dislike most spoilers, and when you put in one, it takes away from the awesome cliffhangers.
Why? 
2530021
First, I hate cliffhangers
Second, I do so to give content
but if you feel that way, then I might as well start in the next chapter to not showing some preview.
2530583 Why???? Cloffhangars are awesome (intentionally misspelled because of implied accent)! They help in so many ways and add to a story to make it more interesting than it usually would.
Thank you for taking my previous suggestion. I'm sorry you don't like Cliffhangers, but I find them fun, and occasionally zany. As well as the thank you for taking my suggestion, I'd also like to thank you for responding to my comment.
Thank you,
ISA
2530600
No problem, it's just that Cliffhangers are not of my interest and best to get to the main point and end it there. I do this instead of adding a kind of tick of annoyance to readers and such.
2530708 Well, they should be used to it. With as large a community as the Bronies, they should at least watch television. Writers, and viewers alike should be prepared for what naturally happens in a story that emulates a show...Cliffhangers. I mean, it's good and all, to try to not Hang on the Cliffs, but they help more than they hurt the stories in question.
ISA
I for my part kinda enjoy your story.
I mean, the Version you had created holds so much potential.
Even if it slowly becomes kinda numb, so to say. More activity maybe? ^^
2690223
Good to hear that, though I must confess still, the story is going to be in Hiatus dues to returning to studying, so the updates move... about a monthly update if I can...
Still, good to see my rendition of the MLP Universe to be appreciated by one, and the Sequel will be visiting... other renditions when I get to that.
The grammar is a mess in places. Structure, same thing. Paragraphs are improper, and on numerous occassions you have multiple speakers within the same paragraph (that's a big technical no-no. Can make it hard to tell who is talking after some time). Also, this is nothing but tell-tell-tell. There is zero showing involved. Your character is very bland as well. There's no depth to him. with how large this chapter is, there should've been some development to him, but there as none at all, just a description.
Amnesia is cliche, your lines of the random chatter in his head when it happened made no sense and was hard to follow. Truthfully, the only reason I continued to read it is that I can get through some things better at three in the morning. Were it a proper time of the day, I probably would've dumped it and moved on to another thing already.
Also, numbers. You typically write out small numbers, i.e. a hundred years, seven years, not 100 years, 7 years. Just another rule with writing. When using a narrative, caps aren't used except in speech, even if it is a first person. Additionally, if you're going for emphasis, you italicize the text in question. Not capitalize it. This applies to both speech and narrative.
I'll take a peek and see if it improves any. Honestly though, you could use someone to go back and properly proofread this and correct the numerous errors that exist within it. If you do get someone to do this, I'd recommend watching them work while in a program like Google Documents (if your writing hasn't improved, and even then, you can learn a lot by watching an editor go to town on a piece of writing). All I got for now
WOO three way with tia, day, and eris heeheee
2744923
Yes, I have considered how flawed I am at making the story and have already accepted how stupid I was in thinking of continuing this thing when my grammar, storytelling skills and even use of perspective and narrative is not in a normal standard but of a near crazy retarded standard.
I will just state, I'm a lazy bum, an idiot and a guy with Dyslexia. So if you don't want reading things that are not to normal standards, which is constantly changing by the minute, then please state your dislike or hate towards my story by the use of the message system.
....so wait....Eris, female counterpart of Discord, was the one doing the disreputable worldhopping?
2749663
Yes, Eris is the culprit and one who had much more power than Discord. I will be visiting Eris' story on a later story, which is the sequel of this when I'm done.
2749756 ...hmn...Sounds Interesting...But all this is little more than confusing... Maybe make a timeline?
2749769
That was my target for Eris, confusing though a bit of everything. In a nut shell, she escapes her own world, which I will be explored on a different Chapter here and a focus in the next story.
As for Timeline, I'm going to have to create that when I find time and willing to do so.
Anyway, will be working on thinking how to fix this... and look for an editor/proofreader.
2749833 ...In all, most of your work doesn't need an editor, but investing in a proofreader to check spelling seems to be the best direction to head in. An editor might help getting your ideas across clearly, though... Unfortunately your work seems to be getting less interesting with each chapter...perhaps you'd add a little bit of comedy, or serious notes? Or go somewhere new? Even side-dimensions have levels of completion, that you can explore more thoroughly, to add a bit more description to the story.
2750167
Yes, I have seen and have read through stories that have slowly become bland when stuck into one setting throughout the whole of it. As much as I also want to add details in my descriptions and describing the setting and the events, I find little to do so as my current studies in my College asks attention much greater than this, thus, the slowly declining creativity and attention to detail.
Anyway, yes, a Proofreader would be a better suitable assistance but considering that I have not that much time to look, I might as well take all the dislike and the negativity users send my way and just work on this as best and enjoyable as I can.
I was listening to the soviet march red alert 3 fitting for when they were going though the forest
4216437
OH! Interesting.
4216510 fun game like halo wars/age of empires RTS and that is a very good song
Man, I found this story not too long ago and now I'm confused! You said in a previous chapter that he had fingers (Which says Daybreak is human shaped) and now he seems to be like a pony! Is he anthro?
My question was mostly answered.