A Young man by the name of Jason this boy has great musical talent but is kicked out of his band, he goes home next thing he knew he was falling towards Canterlot Castle, turns out hes an Alicorn. Let the story, Begin! BUt is everything as it seems.
I could tear this story apart, but what's the point. There will be others, many others to do that, so I'll give the main things:
Lack of basic editing (it's not that hard, copy paste into windows or some other similar program)
Rushed story telling
Unnecessary flashback scene (this was something that could have been handled with a 3-4 sentence paragraph, instead you make it an entirely different scene that only serves to break to flow of your story)
Switching perspectives in a first-person story, and in the middle of the chapter too (First person stories are limited on purpose, your supposed to be telling "your" story. If you want to tell the story from many characters' perspectives, switch to third person; at the very least, make someone else's perspective their own chapter)
I won't even go into alicorn oc, others will do that for me.
2196469 Thank you for that and honestly they do seem rushed because im fucking grounded and shit so im trying to not get caught here. The Alicorn OC has been done to death and I already know that will cause a shitstorm or two. I'm planning on getting rid of the flashback before I continue the story to help the flow a bit and slow it down. Thanks for the person of veiw switch advice I honestly put that in this chapter as a way to see how It would be seen upon by others. So thanks for the constructive criticism.
I'm going to actually favourite this, because while there are errors here and there, with a few fixes, this has potential, and I hope to see that potential being used.
Whatever you do, don't give up, just keep pushing.
I could tear this story apart, but what's the point. There will be others, many others to do that, so I'll give the main things:
Lack of basic editing (it's not that hard, copy paste into windows or some other similar program)
Rushed story telling
Unnecessary flashback scene (this was something that could have been handled with a 3-4 sentence paragraph, instead you make it an entirely different scene that only serves to break to flow of your story)
Switching perspectives in a first-person story, and in the middle of the chapter too (First person stories are limited on purpose, your supposed to be telling "your" story. If you want to tell the story from many characters' perspectives, switch to third person; at the very least, make someone else's perspective their own chapter)
I won't even go into alicorn oc, others will do that for me.
2196469 Thank you for that and honestly they do seem rushed because im fucking grounded and shit so im trying to not get caught here. The Alicorn OC has been done to death and I already know that will cause a shitstorm or two. I'm planning on getting rid of the flashback before I continue the story to help the flow a bit and slow it down. Thanks for the person of veiw switch advice I honestly put that in this chapter as a way to see how It would be seen upon by others. So thanks for the constructive criticism.
I'm going to actually favourite this, because while there are errors here and there, with a few fixes, this has potential, and I hope to see that potential being used.
Whatever you do, don't give up, just keep pushing.
One phrase
"I dont fucking know the meaning of giving up"