Derpy Happens

by Outlaw Quadrant

The Touch of Derp

Outside the Library Treehouse, Derpy was already at the door, biting her hoof. Earlier, the mare had gone home, collected her bits, and tried cleaning the book like it was a dish plate. Now, it was soiled with soup and soap, but it did have a fresh lemony fragrance. Even so, she knew that wasn’t going to sit well with Twilight who already had put two strikes against her, one for coloring in all the pictures and another for using a book on fishing as bait. With this latest mishap, she’d lose her library privileges for a month and likely be the first picture on the newly christened wall of shame, an idea from the librarian who had enough of the residents of the town that brought books tardy or with a tiny tear.

After an agonizing few minutes, Derpy knocked on the door and a small purple dragon swung it open.

“Hey Derpy” said Spike. He inspected the dour face of the visitor. “Let me guess. You ruined another book?”

The blonde Pegasus pulled out the item in question and Spike reeled back.

“Yikes! That…doesn’t look good.”

Derpy hung her head. “No more books for me?”

Spike rubbed his chin. “Well…Twilight’s not here right now so you got that going for you. There is something down in the basement that we might be able to use but…” He could already imagine impending disaster but with a sigh, Spike ignored it. “ …oh, what the hay. C’mon in!”

Derpy followed Spike through the door and towards the basement door.

“You see, Twilight’s been working on this new device that’s supposed to help restore any book back to mint condition, even if they’re hundreds of years old. It involves magic and some other stuff I didn’t bother to pay attention to. You know how boring Twilight gets when she yammers about the details.”

The duo went down the stairs to an area full of scientific books in bookcases, cups and beakers stored in cabinets, and a grey table in the middle. Attached to the table was a console full of buttons and levers and directly above, hanging on a support arm, was a zapper wrapped in coils, pointing straight down.

With the flip of a switch on the side of the console, Spike made the machine whirl into life, with its many little lights glowing in a spectrum of colors.

“Pretty.” Derpy hovered all around the device for a closer look.

Spike nodded “Neat, huh? The only problem is that Twilight’s machine is still in its testing stage and we haven’t had any success but it wouldn’t hurt to try anyways. Go ahead and put the book right in the middle of the table.”

The blonde mare complied, allowing Spike to pull a red lever. The zapper at the top buzzed a noise which grew louder and louder until the machine clunked out and all the lights went off.

“Not again” bemoaned Spike.

“Is it broken?”

“Hold on, Derpy.” Spike flipped the switch off and back on again and made small adjustments on one of the knobs. “Ok, let’s give it another go.”

A lever pull later, the zapper built up green energy, shaking ever so slightly. Both watched in anticipation to see something amazing happen but then, the light fizzled out as did the rest of the machine, going silent.

Spike snapped his fingers. “We almost had it.”

“Guess I’m going to be in trouble” moaned Derpy.

“Let’s not give up just yet. I know Twilight left some notes on this machine that might be able to help me. Now, where did she leave them?”

“I can help you look for it!” The blonde mare hovered towards one of the room’s tables and swept her hooves around, knocking a rack of empty vials over the edge.

Spike extended his arms and dove onto the floor, catching the rack with the palm of his hands. He put it back in place before turning to the Pegasus but kept his cool. “Derpy, I got this, don’t worry about it. Just take it easy while I find the notes.”

As the purple dragon searched the room, Derpy took a seat, pawing the floor beneath in boredom. With her tendency to cause trouble, she could understand why so many around her would refuse her help and yet, it didn’t stop Derpy from trying. She spotted the switch on the machine was lit, prompting her hoof to point at it.

“Do you want me to turn machine off, Spike?” she asked.

Spike had climbed onto a roller ladder attached to a bookcase. “Oh, yeah, go ahead.” He moved his head to resume the search but slammed it back and pointed. “But don’t touch anything else.”

Derpy drifted to the side of the console and became mesmerized of all the things she could push and turn but she gave herself a slap, telling her instincts to back off. Her gray hoof slinked over to the switch and at the moment of contact, a small static charge brought the machine roaring back to life and the arm began to move on its own.

Spike heard the noise and turned around, only to see a full-charged zapper aiming right at him. He veered right just as a beam of green light broke the rung he hung onto and the small dragon quickly met the floor. He shook off the landing and immediately rolled sideways, avoiding another zap. Spike stumbled up but the device refused to let up, forcing the purple dragon to run around in circles.

“What do I do? What do I do?” cried out Derpy.

“Turn it off! Turn it off!” Spike yelled in panic.

Derpy repeated flipped the switch but the machine refused the command and instead, aimed at the mare. She swung to the left, crashing into a bookcase and the books tumbled down onto the fleeing small dragon. The device fired again and Derpy dodged right into the wall, falling onto a wooden table and splitting it in two. She made a run for the exit but the machine gave no mercy, forcing Derpy to dance around the floor before she flipped onto another table which fell on top of her. The zapper persisted, giving the slab of wood constant hits of green energy but it somehow held together, allowing the blonde mare to put the table sideways for shelter.

Then, Spike dug himself out of the pile of books and saw an opening for the console. He moved his tiny feet as best the small dragon could but the device caught on and the arm with the zapper swung around and thwarted his charge. Spike bobbed and weaved around the room before he spotted a waving grey hoof and dove over the table’s edge to reunite with Derpy.

Spike grabbed the blonde Pegasus and shook her. “What in Equestria did you do?”

Derpy tapped her hooves together. “I only touched the switch.”

The device turned its reign of destruction to the rest of the room, breaking glass containers and zapping off the legs of a couple of stands, spilling foul liquid all across the floor. Suddenly, the sound of the zapper finally stopped, replaced by an electric whine which grew more intense by the second. Both peeked over the table and saw the machine spitting out parts, blowing off steam and glowing red.

“Is that bad, Spike?” said Derpy, unaware of the danger.

“IT’S GONNA BLOW!”

Both cowered down just as a kaboom shook the walls of the Treehouse’s basement and tossed smoking wreckage all over the room, with the zapper falling right behind the pair, spitting out a bit of energy before it powered off for good. Spike waved his hand, getting the smoky mist away from him before getting up and taking a tour of the battle zone. The pipes around the room gushed out steam, most of the fixtures had fallen down, and part of the wall had caught fire. He rushed to the nearby extinguisher and took it out in a wave of mist before hearing a cheer from behind. Spike turned to the leftover of the machine’s table and saw Derpy holding up clean book.

“Yay! The machine fixed it!”

The small dragon didn’t share her enthusiasm. “Yeah. It sure did. You might want to take a look around.”

Derpy dropped the book and her mood. “Oops. My bad. Twilight will be really mad at me now.”

Spike buried his face with his hands, groaning softly before he pulled them off and sighed, releasing any ill will. “Look. Don’t worry about it. If Twilight asks, I’ll…tell her it was me.”

With the generosity from Rainbow and Applejack, Derpy began getting suspicious. “Why would you do that, Spike? I’m the one that should be in trouble.”

“Well…” The small dragon fidgeted about. “…because, huh, how can I explain this without, well, no, I can’t say that. Listen, just—”

“Spike?” a voice from above called out. “Where are you? Are you down in the basement? Why do I smell smoke?”

“Uh oh! It’s Twilight! You gotta get out of here!” He ran to one of the walls and pushed a button, opening a hidden passageway. “Here, use the emergency exit. It’ll take you outside.”

“But—”

Spike pushed the reluctant blond mare through the entryway. “No time! Hurry!”

Derpy fell forwards into the narrow passageway and the wood paneling slid down behind her. She raised her hoof, ready to knock to regain entry.

“SPIKE! WHAT DID YOU DO?”

The blonde mare slinked back as the wrath of Twilight made her grey fur stand up. Derpy wanted to hear the end of Spike’s explanation but now wasn’t a good time to ask the cowering assistant and besides, the fuming librarian would probably do a lot more than just revoke her library privileges if she revealed herself. Defeated, she retreated down the passageway and flew up to the outside world.

Comments

[Outlaw Quadrant]

Forgot the notes, again!

Not much, though.

***SPOILER ALERT***

Author’s Hoof Notes for The Touch of Derp
1. The title of this chapter was the original title for the whole story.
2. Yes, this story is building up to something. There’s only five chapters so the wait won’t be long.

[MagicMissingno]

I bet it's Ditzy's birthday.

[Festus]

Derpy, why do you ruin everything? Apparently, she's so accident prone she can't even eat without causing mayhem! Looks like you're going one-by-one in the Mane Cast. Seeing how the story's going, Pinkie Pie might be last. Am I right?

[Outlaw Quadrant]

167917
I actually have the story completed and, huh, I need to tweak something.

[Muleicous]

Run Spike! Can't wait for the next chapter, something tells me things mite not be so good at Fluttershy's soon.

[Meta Knight]

great