A simple but funny tale of a day in the life of Derpy Hooves.
Derpy isn't your typical pony and as such, doesn't have a typical life. No matter where she turns, hilarity ensures and on this day, it's certainly no different, except everypony is acting rather strange around her.
Pegasus live and sleep in the sky. Anything other than that was considered unusual.
However, a gray Pegasus mare with blond hair and crossed eyes called a petite, two story inn within Ponyville her home. Yet, it wasn’t the choice of this pony named Derpy to live on the ground. In fact, she did have a humble cloud abode in the sky, at least, until the day she forgot to anchor it and the forecasted wind carried it all the way to one of the entryways of the Cloudiseum where it got lodged in. A Pegasus maintenance crew had to take the home apart but it would take a week to re-assemble, forcing the blonde mare to live somewhere else. No pony wanted to take her in, the reasons ranging from not enough room to claiming they had the Cutie Pox, even when their flanks clearly showed otherwise.
Derpy’s temporary residence had little furnishings other than the cloud mattress she slept on, an icebox to the left and a nightstand with a red alarm clock set to go off at 9am. When it rang, the grey mare swiped at it, aiming for the snooze but instead, silenced it by having it fall off the nightstand and onto the floor with an unpleasant crack.
“Oops! Broke it.”
She got up and looked at the gift from Celestia beaming its glow towards the center of town down the hill from her. Unfortunately, Derpy didn’t expect the sun to be that far up at this time of day.
“Uh oh. I’m late!”
The gray mare rushed to grab a saddlebag out of the closet and came back to the nightstand to open the drawer. She took out and dumped into the bag a book labeled Weather Control – An Introduction and a list of groceries before aiming for the window. Instead, Derpy ate the yellow wall and after shaking off the bits of wood, made a less embarrassing exit to the outside world.
Up above the skies at Whitetail Woods, dark clouds stood packed in neat rows. Rainbow Dash paced around them, venting her frustrations.
“I can’t believe this!” The cyan mare put her hooves up. “I told her a million times that the sunrise was going to be an hour earlier today! The one time I tell her she’s going to do something other than a really easy job and this happens to me! Just my luck too that I have to let her do this because–”
Derpy suddenly appeared in front of Rainbow.
“Ahh!” The cyan mare forced her mouth to curl up. “Hey, Derpy. Um, I was…expecting you to be here earlier.”
“My bad, Rainbow Dash. You’re not mad at me, are you?”
“No, it’s…fine.”
“Are you sure? It sounded like you were mad.”
Rainbow muttered “I wasn’t being mad.”
“But you always yell at the skies when I do something bad.”
“Well, you heard wrong, ok?”
“But Nurse Redheart told me last week I can hear just fine.”
“That’s not what I meant!”
The blond Pegasus wriggled her eyelid. “And your eye does that funny thing too.”
“Der–pyyy?”
“And you say my name just like that.”
“I’m…not…MAD!”
The gray mare slinked back and put her head down.
Rainbow sighed and put a hoof on Derpy’s shoulder. “I’m sorry if I yelled at you. Let’s just drop the whole thing. I’m sure you want to jump into today’s job, right?”
Derpy gave a joyous nod.
“That’s the spirit! Ok, let’s get this started! Just to refresh your memory, we’re supposed to set these babies up all across the forest. You have to be careful with these because they hold a lot of water but we only want a drizzle. Now, you read that book from the Library, right?”
“Sure did, Rainbow Dash.”
“Good. Then you should know the technique on how to set these up, then. How about you show me, just in case?”
The grey mare hopped onto one of the clouds and with glee, jumped up and down. A rush of water descended to the ground below, drenching some pony’s picnic.
Rainbow slammed both her hooves on her face. “Ughhhhhh! That was all wrong! I thought you said you read the book!”
“I did but it didn’t have any pictures.”
The cyan Pegasus rolled her eyes. “I should have known. Well, can’t blame you.” She then landed on top of a cloud. “Just watch what I do, all right?”
Derpy gave a salute. “You got it.”
With a deep breath, the cyan mare did a slow, standing march and the puff of black released a few drips. “Nice and slow. Just enough to get it going. Now you try.”
The blonde Pegasus dashed over to another cloud and her eager hooves made the cloud tremble, spitting water like a sprinkler.
“Ugh! That’s too fast and uneven.”
Derpy’s stomping slowed to a crawl.
“Ok, now, pick it up just a little bit…and…you’re there!”
The blonde mare looked down and spotted a successful drizzle. “Yay! I did it!” Derpy did a celebratory dance when suddenly, flashes of light shot from the cloud.
“No, wait! You’re going to—”
Lightning struck another cloud and began setting the others off. Rainbow rushed to the black puffs and stomped on each of them, hoping to stop the chain reaction. Derpy made a move towards her.
“No!” Rainbow waved her hooves. “Just…stay there! I got this!”
The cyan mare then blazed through the sky, spreading the puffs of black apart and attacking the problem ones. With her speed, the ribbons of light quickly shrank in number until she reached the last trouble cloud and slammed her hoof in from above. Its energy fed right into the cyan Pegasus, sending her into convulsions. Derpy rushed over and grabbed Rainbow to pull her out but instead, joined her in the spasm dance. Finally, the cloud ran out of juice and both collapsed in a smoky heap.
Rainbow moaned and rubbed her forehead when she heard the snorting mirth of Derpy from aside. She turned her head and saw her grey hoof pointing above her head.
“Your mane’s funny!”
The cyan mare reached up and realized she could be mistaken for a peacock. Her sights narrowed on the grey blonde in front of her.
“And your eye’s doing the funny thing again!”
“Der–pyyy?” Rainbow snarled.
The gray mare stopped her laughter and gave a shy smile. “You’re not mad at me again, are you?”
Rainbow grinded her teeth but said nothing, opting for thoughts instead. “It’s just for today. It’s just for today. It’s just for today. It’s…”
Lunch time for Derpy usually meant a packed lunch inside a brown paper bag and of course, the bag often ended up on her head. Unfortunately, said lunch was inside the icebox back at her room and rather than go back to retrieve it, the blonde mare decided to go out and eat at the Fancy H Café in Ponyville. Fortunately for her, the place lacked the usual hustle and bustle and she found a seat outside at one of the purple tables with a vase of blue flowers in the middle. A familiar cream-colored stallion wearing a red tie and white shirt came to greet her but got beaten to the punch.
“Hi Horte Cuisine!” said Derpy.
The typically classy waiter took a step back and opened his brown eyes. “You again, madam Derpy!” Horte did a small cough. “My apologies for that remark. It is a pleasure to serve you but please, no incidents this time. Now, have you made your decision?”
“I want a shamrock sandwich.”
“Madam, I am so sorry but we are out of bread. Would you like to try ze shamrock soup instead?”
Derpy gave a big nod and tossed the menu away.
“Ah! My eye!” a fellow customer cried out.
Horte gave Derpy a subtle glare before walking away with grace to deal with the injured pony. “My apologies for that, monsieur.”
The mare flashed an uncomfortable grin to the victim before reaching into her saddlebag and pulling out the weather book. Even though Rainbow gave her the rest of the day off, the grey Pegasus wanted to go over the material one more time, hoping to dig out some more knowledge for next time, if Rainbow Dash would ever allow it to happen. If anything, she felt lucky that she had this job since the last one involving the delivery of heavy packages ended up with no ponies getting their items on time, or in one piece although it provided a boost in employment for medical professionals.
After a few minutes, Horte appeared with a steaming bowl and set it down. “Ah, your food.”
Derpy glanced down to clear green liquid with shamrock leaves thrown on the top. “This looks yummy!”
“Why, of course, madam. This is only ze best soup on the menu. Enjoy.”
Now it was time for the blonde mare to eat except she wanted to keep reading. She took one sip without incident, then two, and a third. Derpy smacked her lips and then read a page in the book, carefully wiping her mouth with a cloth napkin to avoid any unfortunate incident. With more turns of the page, the grey Pegasus felt more relaxed, believing that lunch would be a quiet affair. When she moved her muzzle towards the bowl again, a small, black visitor had decided to take a bath in the sea of green and use a piece of shamrock as a towel. Yet, Derpy kept nipping around it until the tiny wings of the creature tickled her nose, prompting her to open her eyes.
“Fly!”
Derpy flailed her hooves and the fly took flight, as did the bowl which twisted and turned over before the dish made its new home on top of her head. Its contents, however, decided to spill onto the pages of the book. She grabbed the napkin and pressed down hard on it, only for the liquid to make a retreat. With her hoof, she flipped the pages over and continued fighting but the napkin soon became soaked in green liquid and she tossed it away, slapping a passer-by. With her panic growing, Derpy saw an empty table with a tablecloth and dirty silverware above it and made a sprint for it, knocking the bowl on her head down to the ground, shattering it to pieces.
Horte approached the same table and saw incoming disaster. “Oh no! Madam Derpy! Please do not—”
The grey mare yanked the cloth off but somehow, the dirty crystal dishes and glasses did not move.
The fancy waiter sighed in relief and came up to Derpy, now rubbing the tablecloth all over the book. “Um, madam? I do not think that will work. That book appeared to be ruined.”
Derpy’s ears flopped and she plopped down.
“Pardon me but, your bill, madam.” Horte placed a thin black book down on the table.
The blond mare flipped it open to see the receipt. Her server was right, it was the best soup at the café and the price tag matched it. Derpy reached into the saddlebag in search for some bits but none could be found. It then dawned on her that like her lunch, they were back at the inn. All she could do is put on her best puppy dog face and hope for the best.
Horte responded by raising his voice a notch. “That will not work on me this time. We cannot continue to provide you free meals every time you forget your bits. I am afraid you will have to work them off in ze kitchen.”
The gray mare’s voice cracked. “But…but…I can go home and get them.”
“Unacceptable. That is what you said last time. Follow me. There are many dishes to be cleaned today.”
Derpy’s eyes gushed out water and she bawled out loud, catching the attention of the crowd. They began to plead with the blue mane waiter for leniency but he shook his head.
“I am sorry but this is ze only way.”
A new voice then called out from the crowd. “Hold on, there, Horte. I can pay for her.”
The cream stallion saw an orange mare with a cowboy hat coming through. “Ah, Madam Applejack. That is not required. Madam Derpy needs to learn her lesson.”
Applejack calmly raised her hoof. “Now wait just an apple-pickin’ minute. It ain’t like she’s doin’ it on purpose so there’s no harm in lookin’ the other way.” She motioned Horte to come closer to whisper. “Besides, think about what you’re askin’ her to do. Derpy? Dishes? Get my drift?”
It took the waiter a few seconds to get the message. “Yes, of course, but how do I explain it to ze manager? When she hears about this, I may end up washing dishes for weeks.”
“Oh, I got you covered. You see—”. The cow pony got right into the waiter’s ear and mumbled something.
“I understand, madam.” Horte grabbed the bits from Applejack before coming up to the sniffling blonde Pegasus and kneeling down. “Please, forgive me for my rude behavior. I hope to serve you again soon.”
Derpy pulled her hoofs off her eyes, confused at the waiter walking away from her, the crowds dispersing and the cow pony now standing next to her.
“I took care of it for ‘ya” said Applejack. “Just be careful next time ‘cause I don’t think he’ll be able to—”
“Yay, Applejack!” Derpy leaped onto the orange mare and both fell with a dusty thud.
“Ohhhh, I think I hurt my back.”
The gray mare hovered off the injured pony. “My bad. Do you need help getting up?”
“NO! I mean, I’m sure I can manage.” Applejack wriggled her hooves until they touched the ground before pushing up with a grunt. “Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Oh, tarnation!” She finally got up and flashed a smile. “You see? Nothin’ to it. Well, I’ll see ‘ya later.”
Derpy scratched her head until the cow pony was halfway down the road and something clicked in her mind. She rushed over with her question. “Wait, Applejack. Why did you help me?”
A few beads of sweat fell off her face as she put on a grin. “Oh, um, I…well…I just felt like it. Yep. That’s it. No particular reason at all. Got nothing to hide.”
That was enough to satisfy Derpy. “Ok! Bye!”
Applejack hobbled away, giving a friendly wave to the blonde Pegasus and she returned the gesture in kind. Then, Derpy went back to the table and her spirits fell off a cliff. The book had dried out under the sun, uniting soup and pages in unwanted unison.
Outside the Library Treehouse, Derpy was already at the door, biting her hoof. Earlier, the mare had gone home, collected her bits, and tried cleaning the book like it was a dish plate. Now, it was soiled with soup and soap, but it did have a fresh lemony fragrance. Even so, she knew that wasn’t going to sit well with Twilight who already had put two strikes against her, one for coloring in all the pictures and another for using a book on fishing as bait. With this latest mishap, she’d lose her library privileges for a month and likely be the first picture on the newly christened wall of shame, an idea from the librarian who had enough of the residents of the town that brought books tardy or with a tiny tear.
After an agonizing few minutes, Derpy knocked on the door and a small purple dragon swung it open.
“Hey Derpy” said Spike. He inspected the dour face of the visitor. “Let me guess. You ruined another book?”
The blonde Pegasus pulled out the item in question and Spike reeled back.
“Yikes! That…doesn’t look good.”
Derpy hung her head. “No more books for me?”
Spike rubbed his chin. “Well…Twilight’s not here right now so you got that going for you. There is something down in the basement that we might be able to use but…” He could already imagine impending disaster but with a sigh, Spike ignored it. “ …oh, what the hay. C’mon in!”
Derpy followed Spike through the door and towards the basement door.
“You see, Twilight’s been working on this new device that’s supposed to help restore any book back to mint condition, even if they’re hundreds of years old. It involves magic and some other stuff I didn’t bother to pay attention to. You know how boring Twilight gets when she yammers about the details.”
The duo went down the stairs to an area full of scientific books in bookcases, cups and beakers stored in cabinets, and a grey table in the middle. Attached to the table was a console full of buttons and levers and directly above, hanging on a support arm, was a zapper wrapped in coils, pointing straight down.
With the flip of a switch on the side of the console, Spike made the machine whirl into life, with its many little lights glowing in a spectrum of colors.
“Pretty.” Derpy hovered all around the device for a closer look.
Spike nodded “Neat, huh? The only problem is that Twilight’s machine is still in its testing stage and we haven’t had any success but it wouldn’t hurt to try anyways. Go ahead and put the book right in the middle of the table.”
The blonde mare complied, allowing Spike to pull a red lever. The zapper at the top buzzed a noise which grew louder and louder until the machine clunked out and all the lights went off.
“Not again” bemoaned Spike.
“Is it broken?”
“Hold on, Derpy.” Spike flipped the switch off and back on again and made small adjustments on one of the knobs. “Ok, let’s give it another go.”
A lever pull later, the zapper built up green energy, shaking ever so slightly. Both watched in anticipation to see something amazing happen but then, the light fizzled out as did the rest of the machine, going silent.
Spike snapped his fingers. “We almost had it.”
“Guess I’m going to be in trouble” moaned Derpy.
“Let’s not give up just yet. I know Twilight left some notes on this machine that might be able to help me. Now, where did she leave them?”
“I can help you look for it!” The blonde mare hovered towards one of the room’s tables and swept her hooves around, knocking a rack of empty vials over the edge.
Spike extended his arms and dove onto the floor, catching the rack with the palm of his hands. He put it back in place before turning to the Pegasus but kept his cool. “Derpy, I got this, don’t worry about it. Just take it easy while I find the notes.”
As the purple dragon searched the room, Derpy took a seat, pawing the floor beneath in boredom. With her tendency to cause trouble, she could understand why so many around her would refuse her help and yet, it didn’t stop Derpy from trying. She spotted the switch on the machine was lit, prompting her hoof to point at it.
“Do you want me to turn machine off, Spike?” she asked.
Spike had climbed onto a roller ladder attached to a bookcase. “Oh, yeah, go ahead.” He moved his head to resume the search but slammed it back and pointed. “But don’t touch anything else.”
Derpy drifted to the side of the console and became mesmerized of all the things she could push and turn but she gave herself a slap, telling her instincts to back off. Her gray hoof slinked over to the switch and at the moment of contact, a small static charge brought the machine roaring back to life and the arm began to move on its own.
Spike heard the noise and turned around, only to see a full-charged zapper aiming right at him. He veered right just as a beam of green light broke the rung he hung onto and the small dragon quickly met the floor. He shook off the landing and immediately rolled sideways, avoiding another zap. Spike stumbled up but the device refused to let up, forcing the purple dragon to run around in circles.
“What do I do? What do I do?” cried out Derpy.
“Turn it off! Turn it off!” Spike yelled in panic.
Derpy repeated flipped the switch but the machine refused the command and instead, aimed at the mare. She swung to the left, crashing into a bookcase and the books tumbled down onto the fleeing small dragon. The device fired again and Derpy dodged right into the wall, falling onto a wooden table and splitting it in two. She made a run for the exit but the machine gave no mercy, forcing Derpy to dance around the floor before she flipped onto another table which fell on top of her. The zapper persisted, giving the slab of wood constant hits of green energy but it somehow held together, allowing the blonde mare to put the table sideways for shelter.
Then, Spike dug himself out of the pile of books and saw an opening for the console. He moved his tiny feet as best the small dragon could but the device caught on and the arm with the zapper swung around and thwarted his charge. Spike bobbed and weaved around the room before he spotted a waving grey hoof and dove over the table’s edge to reunite with Derpy.
Spike grabbed the blonde Pegasus and shook her. “What in Equestria did you do?”
Derpy tapped her hooves together. “I only touched the switch.”
The device turned its reign of destruction to the rest of the room, breaking glass containers and zapping off the legs of a couple of stands, spilling foul liquid all across the floor. Suddenly, the sound of the zapper finally stopped, replaced by an electric whine which grew more intense by the second. Both peeked over the table and saw the machine spitting out parts, blowing off steam and glowing red.
“Is that bad, Spike?” said Derpy, unaware of the danger.
“IT’S GONNA BLOW!”
Both cowered down just as a kaboom shook the walls of the Treehouse’s basement and tossed smoking wreckage all over the room, with the zapper falling right behind the pair, spitting out a bit of energy before it powered off for good. Spike waved his hand, getting the smoky mist away from him before getting up and taking a tour of the battle zone. The pipes around the room gushed out steam, most of the fixtures had fallen down, and part of the wall had caught fire. He rushed to the nearby extinguisher and took it out in a wave of mist before hearing a cheer from behind. Spike turned to the leftover of the machine’s table and saw Derpy holding up clean book.
“Yay! The machine fixed it!”
The small dragon didn’t share her enthusiasm. “Yeah. It sure did. You might want to take a look around.”
Derpy dropped the book and her mood. “Oops. My bad. Twilight will be really mad at me now.”
Spike buried his face with his hands, groaning softly before he pulled them off and sighed, releasing any ill will. “Look. Don’t worry about it. If Twilight asks, I’ll…tell her it was me.”
With the generosity from Rainbow and Applejack, Derpy began getting suspicious. “Why would you do that, Spike? I’m the one that should be in trouble.”
“Well…” The small dragon fidgeted about. “…because, huh, how can I explain this without, well, no, I can’t say that. Listen, just—”
“Spike?” a voice from above called out. “Where are you? Are you down in the basement? Why do I smell smoke?”
“Uh oh! It’s Twilight! You gotta get out of here!” He ran to one of the walls and pushed a button, opening a hidden passageway. “Here, use the emergency exit. It’ll take you outside.”
“But—”
Spike pushed the reluctant blond mare through the entryway. “No time! Hurry!”
Derpy fell forwards into the narrow passageway and the wood paneling slid down behind her. She raised her hoof, ready to knock to regain entry.
“SPIKE! WHAT DID YOU DO?”
The blonde mare slinked back as the wrath of Twilight made her grey fur stand up. Derpy wanted to hear the end of Spike’s explanation but now wasn’t a good time to ask the cowering assistant and besides, the fuming librarian would probably do a lot more than just revoke her library privileges if she revealed herself. Defeated, she retreated down the passageway and flew up to the outside world.
Any pony that wanted a good selection of clocks, especially ones that can take severe punishment, would visit the merchant Tick Tock at the Ponyville Square. Oddly enough, the store also stocked cups and given that her shop, Clocks and Cups, was next to Quills and Sofas and across from Plants and Ties, it somehow made sense.
Derpy landed in front of Clocks and Cups and nudged the door open. Inside the rustic shop, one side of the brown paneled walls had shelves of plain cups, mugs, teacups, wine glasses, and large pitchers. The mare had no plans to buy any of those items as she bought them by the bulk for obvious reasons. She hovered over to the other side where all sorts of timepieces hung on the wall from the plain white round clocks to more sophisticated wooden pieces of art and at the corner, stood a large grandfather clock which suddenly chimed 3pm. However, Derpy was more interested in the assortment of cuckoo clocks which went off all at once, making her giggle in fascination.
From the back of the store came an elderly brown mare with a faded blue mane. “Such magnificent pieces, aren’t they? Some of them came all the way from Germaney where the ponies there craft it with such care and precision. I took a visit there last year and I so much wanted to stay but, then again, somepony needs to bring these masterpieces out to the world of Equestria. Oh, but I’m prattling on. What can I do for you?”
“I need an alarm clock, Tick Tock” said Derpy.
The merchant adjusted her small, round glasses. “Of course. Let me check the back of the store. In the meantime, would you care for some complimentary tea and biscuits?”
Derpy rubbed her stomach. “Thanks, but I already ate.”
Tick Tock made a quiet exit and Derpy was all alone again but only briefly as a white unicorn mare strolled in.
“Miss Tick Tock. Are you in here? I need a…” The newcomer spotted the gray Pegasus and stopped in her tracks. “Oh…dear.”
“Hi, Rarity!” replied Derpy, waving her hoof.
The white unicorn gave a tiny hoof wave. “Yes, well…good afternoon, Derpy.”
“Are you here to buy a clock or a cup?”
“Yes, I was, NO!” Rarity took small steps towards the back of the store. “I mean, I came in to…have a conversation with Miss Tick Tock…about some…dresses and…” She disappeared through a door way and bumped into the brown mare.
“Oh, Miss Rarity” said Tick Tock. “Quite a pleasure to see you again. Pardon me for a minute while I—”
Rarity pushed the merchant back and whispered “Apologies for asking but what’s Derpy doing here?”
“She came in asking for an alarm clock but I had then all in storage. I was going to bring her a selection to choose from.”
“You can’t! You must!”
The merchant touched her glasses. “I’m sorry, my dear, but I don’t understand.”
Rarity glanced through the doorway, spotting Derpy grasping at the cuckoo birds to no avail before muttering something in Tick Tock’s ear.
“Are you sure about this? I suppose I can do that but you can always—”
Rarity brought out the glitter in her eyes. “Please, Miss Tick Tock?”
The elder mare thought it over. She always wanted to please the customer but given what she heard, made an exception and nodded.
Both went back to the main floor where Derpy was now looking at her reflection on a large glass pitcher, moving her head around and sticking out her tongue. Tick Tock did a small cough to grab her attention and the blonde mare turned around, knocking her flank right into the shelving. A few of the glassware fell off and came to within inches of the ground when they glowed blue and made a complete stop. Rarity swiped her brow and carefully levitated the items back in place.
“I’m sorry but I’m all out of alarm clocks” said Tick Tock. ““Would you like some tea cups instead? Some of them are from my home country of Great Breton. Classical, yet durable.”
“No thanks” replied Derpy.
“Very well. I should have a new shipment coming in tomorrow so I hope you can wait until then.”
“I will. Thanks Tick Tock.” She pushed the door open to leave.
Rarity placed her hoof on her chest. “Well, that was a close call. For a moment there, I thought she would—”
The door closed shut with a judder and the shelving gave way, spilling the glassware onto the floor, setting off the cuckoo clocks with the crafted birds going in, out, and then completely off.
“—break something.”
On the outer edges of Ponyville, a red building shaped like an octagon barn dwarfed the smaller buildings surrounding it not so much with its size, but with the number of ponies going in and out the large and wide entryway. Above it, the sign read Rich’s Barnyard Bargains and large yellow dollar symbols were nailed on both sides.
A young earth pony stallion wearing a red vest then walked out and put up a ladder, climbing up to check on a sagging banner “We Now Sell Groceries!” below the store’s sign when Derpy flew on by. In all her time in and around Ponyville, the blonde mare had never shopped at Barnyard Bargains before and thought a change of scenery would be nice.
The blond Pegasus mare landed at the entryway with a clunk, knocking the ladder off. The employee jumped off and hung onto the dollar sign, screaming for help. Derpy flew up, grabbed the yellow stallion with the red vest, and bonked his head on the wall before putting him back on solid ground.
“My bad, mister” said Derpy.
“N…no…problem…m…miss” mumbled the employee.
Satisfied, Derpy walked inside and marveled at the rows of trinkets and knickknacks scattered around the dusty-hay filled floor before pulling out her list from the saddlebag and noted it only had three items: milk, bread, and jam. She veered right and moved her head to the jazzy muzak before it momentarily cut off for a store-wide announcement.
“Hello, fellow customers! This is Filthy Rich of Rich’s Barnyard Bargains. Today’s bargain is an assortment of perfumes, perfect for that special mare in your life or as a gift for special occasions. Remember, if it ain't from the barnyard, it ain’t a bargain.”
Derpy went on to the grocery section of the store where another pony in a red vest had set up station, calling out to sample some cheese. The blonde mare hovered over and raised her hoof to grab one, then gobbled up the entire plate of cheese cubes. With a burp, she left behind a baffled employee and some irked patrons.
She continued up an aisle and tossed a loaf of bread in the saddlebag, followed by the milk, and then reached the end and turned left, spotting the jam neatly racked in a square. The employee who assembled the display intended for the customer to pull the jars from the top down but they hadn’t planned for Derpy to pull one off the middle, despite cries from other ponies nearby. Yet, the stack of jam remained motionless and she went along into a different section of Barnyard Bargains when she saw a few alarm clocks on display. Derpy picked one up and it rang for a few seconds before falling apart. She glanced at the price tag and sure enough, it was a bargain but unlike with cups, Derpy wanted quality, not quantity.
Up ahead, Derpy spotted the checkout lines but she had to go through the perfume section first. However, a familiar yellow Pegasus happened to be in the aisle, sampling the various bottles of fragrances. She made a slow approach, knowing this pony didn’t like to be startled.
“Hi Fluttershy” said Derpy.
The shy Pegasus turned her head, holding a bottle of perfume. “Oh, hello Derpy. I was just…” She paused for a second to open her eyes.
“Something wrong?”
Fluttershy gasped and sprayed the perfume all around her, tickling the nose of Derpy. With a powerful sneeze, the blond mare flung backwards into the shelving, knocking it over to the next aisle. Ponies scrambled about as the domino effect took out the Horseshoes section, then Clothing, Recreational, Arts and Crafts, Toys and finally, the grocery section where Filthy Rich wandered by the racks of jam as the last of the shelves came crashing down. He cowered down, expecting the worst but when the ruckus ended, disaster avoided him by mere inches although some bouncing basketballs made mincemeat of nearby egg cartons.
Filthy Rich took out a handkerchief and swiped off some sweat. “Whew! Thought I was going to—”
The racks of jam collapsed on itself, spewing its contents all over Filthy Rich. He took a step forwards and slipped onto the floor, making the employees around him snicker and point. A serious stare from the owner silenced them and they all, got him up and wiped the jam off his brown fur and red tie before he waved them off and fixed his slick black mane.
Filthy Rich then turned to the store floor and bellowed “Now, who is responsible for this?”
The patrons around him pointed in the direction of Derpy and Fluttershy and he made a march through the sea of destroyed merchandise. When he arrived, he went right after the gray one.
“I see they let you in. I heard about your little antics from the Megaoats Mart. Now, I’m not one to refuse service to anypony but—”
Fluttershy gave Filthy Rich a gentle prod. “Excuse me, Mr. Filthy but—”
The stallion narrowed his brow at the yellow mare.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Mr. Rich, I need to tell you something very important.” She whispered a few words to Filthy Rich who nodded a few times.
“Are you sure about that?” he muttered. “You’re not just making this up?”
“That’s what they told me.”
“All right, then. I suppose if that’s the case.” Filthy Rich turned to Derpy who rubbed her hoof on the ground. “Ahem. Now, I’m sure this was all just an accident. Now go ahead and run along. No need to pay for your items, all right?”
The blonde Pegasus smelled something was up and turned to ask Fluttershy but she was sneaking past the entryway. Derpy closed the gap and blocked her path.
“What’s going on?” said the confused grey mare.
Fluttershy looked around for a distraction. “I…I’m not supposed to tell you. Oh, but I wish I could. I’m really sorry.”
“Tell me what?”
Suddenly, the dollar sign fell off and took Derpy down into the ground. When the dust settled, the yellow mare pulled off the splintered wood, revealing the flattened blonde more. She snuck her yellow hoof towards Derpy when she suddenly popped up on her hooves. Fluttershy fell backwards and shook violently, noticing the crossed yellow eyes were now normal.
“I’m…okay” Derpy mumbled.
“Are…you sure?”
The blonde Pegasus shook herself and her eyes went back to its usual crookedness. “Sure am!”
“Oh, good.” Fluttershy sped off and with her, the answers Derpy was looking for.
Every day before sundown, Derpy always made a stop at Sugarcube Corner for her favorite baked treat. She landed in front of the door and pushed on it but didn’t budge an inch. Derpy made another effort but entry to the bakery was again denied. She took a step back, ready to charge in when she finally noticed the letter on the door written in pink marker.
*** To our customers,
Sorry! Had to close early! We’ll be open tomorrow, promise!
- Pinkie Pie, on behalf of Mr. and Mrs. Cake ***
“No muffins” Derpy moaned. She turned around and saw a light brown stallion wearing a blue suit.
“Well, hi there, Derpy!”
The mare recognized the mail carrier and jerked his hoof around. “Post Haste! I’m so happy to see you!”
He favored his appendage, and then tipped his hat. “Same to you too! How’s that weather job going?”
Derpy’s ears flattened, and she poked his mail bag. “I had more fun when I was doing the mail.”
Post Haste flattened his smile. “Ah, I know. Don’t worry. I’m sure the bosses will forget about your little Spreading the Mail incident…someday. Listen, I got a letter for you.”
“I do?” She grabbed onto a plain white envelope. “Thanks Post Haste!”
“Not a problem. Well, I hope to see you again soon!” He gave a nod to Derpy and began to walk down the road, raising his head high for a job well done.
Derpy’s mind smacked her in action and followed the skinny stallion. “Wait. Why are you delivering mail now?”
He slammed the brakes and tapped his hoof. “It was…special delivery! That’s what it was!”
She lowered her brow, sensing deception. “In fact, I have another one to make…right now!” The mail pony galloped away and entered an alleyway to the left.
“Not this time!” Derpy flew into action and made the blind turn, crashing into a hanging sign, and slid off to the dirt below. When she got up, Post Haste had escape her sights, and she kicked up some dust.
“I just want to know what’s going on” she moaned. With nothing else to do, she opened up her mail.
*** Derpy,
Your recent actions have attracted the attention of the officials from Cloudsdale and Ponyville. You are to report immediately to the Ponyville Town Hall for a special meeting.
- Mayor ***
The blonde Pegasus read the letter a few more times before the words found meaning, and her heart sank.
“I’m in big trouble” Derpy mumbled.
Rather than go toward the large structure in the center of town, she made a lonely flight all the way back to the inn, bumping into the side of the building before going through the window and inside her temporary residence. Derpy dumped her saddlebag on the floor and collapsed on the cloud mattress, opened up the faucet in her eyes, allowing a few drips to leave her eyes. She believed that severe punishment awaited her at Town Hall, likely to be sent off to the Everfree Forest, some island in the middle of nowhere, or even all the way to the moon. Whatever stood in front of her, Derpy didn’t want to face it but even if she wasn’t the brightest pony in the sky, she knew that any wrongs meant consequences and had to face up to them. With a sigh, she floated up and aimed for the open air, finally making a smooth exit.
Below her, Ponyville’s lights illuminated the landscape but the residents usually wandering the streets running errands, exercising, or enjoying the rise of the moon were nowhere to be seen. When she approached Town Hall, the scene was the same, nothing but the glow of the village keeping her company. Derpy landed in front of the door to the large structure and went inside, immediately noticing a path of miniature baked treats down the circular corridor heading left.
Derpy’s jaw hung open and drool dripped out. “Mini-Muffins.”
She gobbled up each piece, and the trail led her down the passageway and up the stairs to the second level where it continued to a pair of double doors, one of them left partially open. Without looking, she went inside to pitch darkness and brought her hooves out, feeling out her surroundings. All of a sudden, the lights came on.
“SUR-PRISEEEEEE!”
Derpy staggered back and crashed through the double doors, knocking it off its hinges. She picked herself up and then gazed at the throng of ponies within the large assembly room, all with smiles on their faces. Streamers hung on the pillars of the room, balloons floated around the hall, and the floor had tables upon tables of cakes, sandwiches, punch, fruit, and her beloved muffins. Derpy took a step forward when Pinkie Pie materialized, added a hat to her head and broke into song:
*** Thank you, Derpy, for saving our town Even though your actions, at first, made us frown Who would have thunk it, Derpy saved the day And so we give praise with a party and some cake!
Yay! ***
Everypony in the hall stomped her hooves in approval and all leaned forwards, waiting for the guest of honor to say some words.
Derpy moved her hoof back and forth, as the corners of her mouth moved up and down, unsure where to station them. “So I’m not in trouble?”
The Mayor of Ponyville stepped forwards and gave a nod. “On the contrary, Derpy, you did very well but I’ll leave it to Twilight to explain.”
A purple unicorn emerged from the crowd and for a moment, she shoved her face right into Derpy with an “I know what you did” look, and the gray Pegasus gulped. Twilight then backed off and composed herself. “You see, when your house got stuck in the Cloudiseum, the building had to be checked for any structural damage and surprisingly, there was a lot more than what the Pegasus crew had expected so there had to be something more going on. They found out yesterday that it was because of a design defect, and it was a good thing it was caught on time because the building was on the verge of breaking apart. According to the calculations I provided, the Cloudiseum would have bumped into the Cloud Factory and most of it would have drifted off and crashed into Ponyville, spewing toxic waste all over. Do you realize what your little accident did?”
Derpy scratched her head for a few seconds before shrugging.
“She doesn’t get it!” Rainbow yelled from above. She hovered down and used her hooves to illustrate. “If you didn’t have an oopsie, we wouldn’t catch somepony else’s big oopsie. Cloud Factory crashes into Ponyville. Yucky stuff all around. You saved all of us!”
A light bulb came on, and the blonde mare raised her hooves in triumph. “Yay! I’m a hero!”
“That’s right, Derpy” said a pristine voice from above. In front of the cross-eyed mare landed a white alicorn with a multi-colored mane.
The crowds knelt at her presence, whispering the name of Princess Celestia.
Derpy bent her front hooves and collapsed forwards, earning a chuckle from the Princess.
“There’s no need for that. Derpy, I know your actions, even if they’re not always…agreeable…can often lead to good surprises, and your home crashing into the Cloudiseum is certainly no exception. For that, on behalf of Ponyville and Cloudsdale, I present to you our highest honor.”
She took out a round medal and placed it around the neck of Derpy, making the auditorium’s crowd cheer and chant the name of the recipient. Derpy put up the gold award and after a few seconds, pawed at it and then tried to bite it.
Princess Celestia whispered, “Um, Derpy, that’s not chocolate.”
“My bad” she hushed back.
“Don’t worry about it.” The empress turned her attention toward the assembled. “Everypony. The ceremony will now commence!”
A gaggle of ponies picked Derpy up and carried her away to the largest table where stacks of gifts awaited her. She ripped up the wrappings, and some of the items came with an explanation.
Rarity pointed out an alarm clock encased in carved wood. “My apologies for the deception earlier but I thought that would be the perfect gift for you. I know that Rainbow goes off every day about your tardiness and wanted to provide you something durable, yet elegant.”
Derpy banged the clock onto the table but even she couldn’t make a dent. “Fancy! Thanks Rarity!”
Fluttershy then carefully sprayed a few bottles of perfume on the grey mare. “I’m sure ponies would like to be with you more if you smell really nice. Oh, and I didn’t mean to spray you and lie to you earlier. I’m really sorry.”
“Derpy forgives you!” She tightly grasped the yellow Pegasus, making her squeak.
After the last of the gifts, Derpy munched on some muffins while some ponies got up to a podium, eager to say a few words.
First was Rainbow Dash. “The Wonderbolts just happened to fly by and my crazy do grabbed their attention. I actually got to talk them!” She squealed into the microphone, forcing everypony to cover their ears.
Applejack limped up to the stage. “When I went to see the doc, I ran into a long lost friend of mine. Couldn’t believe my luck, after all these years of searchin’ ‘round, she was right there.” She raised her front hooves up for a yee-haw but immediately wriggled in pain and came back down.
Horte was up next. “When I told ze manager about what I did, I got a promotion! Oh, the years of superior service finally paying off.” He took off a handkerchief and wiped off the stream of joy running down his face.
Tick Tock came up to the podium and banged on it. “Forgeries, all those cups and clocks!”
The crowd of ponies gasped and one of them fainted.
She postured with confidence. “Do not worry. I will replace all those fabrications free of charge.”
A raucous cheer echoed through the chamber.
Twilight then stormed up and grumbled, “She destroyed my basement.”
“And?” Spike yelled from the table.
The unicorn switched to a more pleasing tone. “Well, she did prove that my machine works so I know I wasn’t pursuing a worthless endeavor but…” She became crabby, and a hair strand stood up. “…my basement…”
The small dragon ran up and pushed her away. “Okay, that’s enough Twilight.”
Then, it was Filthy Rich, who fixed his mane before speaking. “My generosity happened to impress the customers so much, guess who’s finally going to be voted #1 in Customer Service this year in retail? That’s right, Rich’s Barnyard Bargains. If it ain't from the barnyard, it ain’t a bargain.”
Pinkie pushed the stallion aside and tapped the microphone. “Wakey, wakey, Derpy.”
All turned their attention to the blonde mare who was slumped on top of the table.
“We silly ponies bored her so let’s get this party going!” She blew a kazoo right into the mike.
Derpy rose up and heard the blaring of the music. “Yay! Party!” She went up in the air and jigged all across the room, banging into the pillars and onto fellow Pegasus.
Below, Twilight squirmed and writhed. “Um, guys? Don’t you think we’re asking for trouble with—”
“Oh, don’t worry” replied Rainbow, waving her hoof. “After the last time, Town Hall was fixed up to withstand anything, right Mayor?”
The khaki colored mare writhed and took time to respond. “Well, actually, we couldn’t exactly afford the best out there but…” She watched Derpy, now with a punch bowl on her head, bump into a wall. “…it should hold, I think.”
“Good enough for me!” Pinkie wheeled in and fired her party cannon, spitting out confetti, balloons, and streamers.
Fluttershy dove under the table and grabbed the legs. “Pinkie and Derpy in the same room? Is that safe?”
Princess Celestia paused from sipping punch and watched Derpy climb into the mortar’s barrel. She maintained her radiant smile. “Oh, don’t worry. Let them have their fun.”
Pinkie struck the pink cannon and it exploded, sending a tremor throughout the assembly room. Yet, when the smoke cleared, the only consequence was two toasted ponies, both wiggling on the ground, cracking up. Any concerns about a grand catastrophe happening tonight evaporated, and the party went on.
The once barren room at the Inn was now filled with all of Derpy’s gifts and some pink boxes crammed with muffins. After waving at some ponies through the window, Derpy hit the light switch which broke off, but she was too much in a good mood to care. In her mind, today was a great day. Wake up, cause chaos, and find out you saved Ponyvillle by mistake. She stumbled and fell onto the cloud mattress, only to land a few inches short, crashing into the empty room below. Still, she kept smiling as she finally got on top the fluffy white and closed her crossed eyes, ready to start all over again tomorrow morning at 9 am.
Unfortunately, the alarm was set to 9 pm instead but it didn’t matter. Just after 6 am the next day, the raucous sound of tumbling wood woke her from her slumber. She rushed to the window and saw a big plume of smoke where Town Hall used to be. When it cleared, it looked as though some large hoof rose up and slammed down on it, crushing half of it. The nearby residents came out and gazed at the remains before speaking out.
“Oh no! Not again!”
“Was anypony there?”
“Nah. The sun just came up!”
“Why can’t we just build a smaller one this time?”
“How in Equestria did this happen?”
They all stopped and turned to the inn, focusing on Derpy on the second story window. It didn't take the mob long to figure it what happened: Derpy, plus pillars, plus Party Cannon, equals collapsed Town Hall. The residents put on their peevish faces, not helped by being up so early.
All she could do is rub her mane and give them a small smile in appeasement. “Oops. My bad.”
Derpy didn’t have to worry because the town forgave her.
