The Diamond Cutter Anthology

by DiamondPrime

Prompt 4: Would You Care to Repeat That? - Mager Blutooth

“Don’t feel bad,” Diamond Tiara said haughtily, peering down at the three fillies as they recovered from their fall. “Just think of all the ponies that saw that display of incompetence.”

“Won’t that just make us feel worse?” Sweetie Belle asked, trying her best to ignore the piercing stares of all her classmates.

“Maybe, but it sure puts a smile on my face,” Silver Spoon said before she and her friend began teasingly giggling at their clumsy schoolmates.

As the crowd around them dispersed, Scootaloo rose back to her hooves to retort, “You wouldn’t be laughing if we’d stacked those last thirty-seven cards.”

“Yeah,” Apple Bloom agreed. “We finished at least two out of three halves of that house of cards. We were closer to getting our cutie marks than ever before.”

“Oh, you are absolutely right,” Diamond sincerely replied, “and nopony is more surprised than I am that you didn’t get them this time.”

“R-really?” Sweetie Belle asked, thrown off by Diamond's change in tone.

“Absolutely. I was so convinced you’d get your cutie marks in failure, stupidity, and oafishness, I even bet Silver Spoon you would.” Diamond scooped her tiara off her head and plopped it onto her friend’s. “Looks like you were right, Silver. They’re just beyond hopeless.”

Silver looked confused for a moment but quickly threw up a smile and replied, “Well, when you’re dealing with ponies like these, what’s there to hope?”

“We are not hopeless,” Scootaloo challenged. “We’ll get our cutie marks someday, and you’ll be sorry you ever made fun of us for not having them.”

“I’ll bet,” Diamond sneeringly replied. “I’m sure when your amazing shoe-tying cutie marks pop up one day, I’ll just be quaking with jealousy.”

“Scootaloo’s right,” Apple Bloom said. “You’ll see. We’ll have the best cutie marks this school has ever seen, and you two won’t be able to make fun of us ever again.”

“Have we tried shoe-tying yet?” Sweetie Belle whispered, earning a shush from her friends.

“But you don’t have them now, right?” Diamond inquired.

“N-no,” Apple Bloom replied, shrinking back a step.

“Well, if what you’re saying is true, then we better get as much as we can in now,” Silver pointed out. She and Diamond looked at each other and grinned before loudly proclaiming their always reliable insult in perfect unison over and over again as they gleefully hopped around the three in a circular pattern.

“Blank flanks! Blank flanks! Blank flanks!”

The two giggled in delight of their own mockery, their laughter sounding as thick and disheartening as ever. However, it was suddenly cut off by a curious yet authoritative voice that had found its way onto the playground.

“Would you care to repeat that?”

The five went silent and turned back toward the school to see their teacher, Miss Cheerilee, approaching them. Her step had no spring, and on her face was an uncomfortable expression of knowing concern.

“Oh, M-miss Cheerilee,” Silver Spoon spoke up. “Is it time to go back to class yet?”

“Actually, I thought I’d come out and check on my students,” Cheerilee replied, a hint of sunshine hidden behind her mostly cloudy expression. “Am I to understand that you two are teasing your classmates for not having their cutie marks yet?”

“What would give you that idea?” Diamond asked as if she wanted to spit on the notion itself.

“Maybe the fact that you were,” Apple Bloom replied, edging closer to her teacher.

“I’d like to see you prove that,” Silver challenged, sticking up her nose in disgust.

“Miss Cheerilee just saw you!” Scootaloo argued. “Right, Miss Cheerilee?”

“It certainly seemed that way,” Cheerilee replied, her eyes firmly glued to Diamond and Silver.

“We were just showing our friends here what teasing looks like in case they want to get their cutie marks for it,” Diamond explained, wiping some of the dirt out of Sweetie's mane.

“Oh yeah?” Apple Bloom asked bitterly. “Well if that’s what it is, don’t ya think you’ve been showing us long enough?”

“Yeah, and why would we want cutie marks in teasing anyway?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“I’m sorry, we just thought you might want to try something that wouldn’t make you wind up face-first in dirt,” Silver earnestly replied as Diamond stifled a giggle.

“That’s enough, both of you!” Cheerilee exclaimed. “I didn’t become a teacher to watch my students behave like this. Now I want you to apologize to your classmates and promise me you’ll never insult them for not having cutie marks again.”

Diamond and Silver let out a uniform sigh followed by an asynchronous assortment of words that contained the message that Cheerilee wanted without the emotion.

“Why don’t we try that again?” Cheerilee suggested. “Maybe this time like you at least halfway mean it?”

“Just forget it, Miss Cheerilee,” Scootaloo said. “Those two wouldn’t mean it if you dangled them over a pit of alligators.”

“Cut!”

The lights dimmed and the backdrop pulled back as the six turned in the direction of the boisterous command coming from the grand, yellow megaphone next to the camera.

“Scootaloo, how many times do I have to tell you?” the orange stallion grumbled through his megaphone as he got out of his folding chair. “It’s ‘if you dangled them over a pit of crocodiles.’ It’s not that hard to remember.”

“Sorry, Mr. Action,” Scootaloo timidly said, nervously flipping through her script. “That song Pinkie sang about Gummy from scene seven is stuck in my head. I’ve got alligators on the mind.”

“Somepony get this girl some brain bleach and an MP3 player,” the stallion barked as he repositioned his beret. “We’ve got to get this right today!” The stallion’s secretary approached him and whispered something into his ear. “How am I supposed to know where to find brain bleach? I’m a director, and I’m directing you to find it and bring it here!”

Scootaloo was promptly escorted off the set in correspondence with Mr. Action’s order. In the meantime, Apple Bloom had an idea of her own that she wanted to share.

“Mr. Action?” she asked, raising her hoof. “I had some concerns about my character in this scene. I feel like she’s being too passive. Don’t you think it would make more sense if I piledrived Silver Spoon after they started ringing around our rosy?”

“I get where you’re coming from, AB. Really, I do,” Mr. Action said, setting down his megaphone. “But you see, we’re trying to make your character seem sympathetic, and if you piledrive somepony, you sort of lose the image we’re setting up for you. You get what I’m laying down?”

“What about me? Can I piledrive somepony?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“Not in this episode, Sweets. We’re holding off on that until the episode where you dye your mane half-green and go on a rebellious streak.”

“Maybe I should piledrive Miss Cheerilee,” Silver Spoon suggested. “You know, to make sure the younger audience understands I’m the villain here.”

“That’s not a bad idea, Spoony, but we can’t afford to hire another stunt double right now. I’ll put it on my to-do list. I promise.”

“That reminds me,” Cheerilee spoke up, “when is my character going to become part of the main cast? You said it would be sometime this season, right?”

Mr. Action rubbed his forehead, letting out an exhausted sigh before raising his megaphone to respond, “Why don’t you all take five? We’ll try this again after I get some peace of mind.”

The buzzer went off to signal they were clear as the stage crew and cast dispersed to take their break.

“Nice work out there, Silver," Diamond acclaimed as the two walked off the set. "You were pretty good in that take.”

“Don’t insult me,” Silver snapped, slapping Diamond’s tiara back onto her head. “I was at my peak just now. Were you even paying attention?”

“S-sorry,” Diamond replied as Silver stormed off. “Are we still on for lunch after the session?”

“Work on your dialect,” Silver replied without turning back. “I can’t stand your voice.”

Diamond sighed as another voice grabbed her attention. “Hey, Diamond,” Apple Bloom said, Sweetie Belle to her right. “Silverware giving you trouble?”

“She’s just a little overworked,” Diamond said. “We have been at this for awhile.”

“You’re telling me,” Apple Bloom said. “Sweetie Belle and I were just on our way to take a bubble break. You in?”

Diamond said with a small smile, “I think I’ll pass. Maybe some other time.”

Sweetie shrugged. “Suit yourself. We’re still on for lunch after the session, though, right?”

“Wouldn’t miss it,” Diamond said, her smile broadening as she walked alongside the two on their way out. “I think I’ll need to get something to tide me over until then, though. I haven’t eaten since breakfast.”

Sweetie laughed. “Well, let’s just hope Scootaloo remembers her lines this time.”

“If you see her, ask her if she wants to join us for lunch,” Diamond said as they arrived at the studio exit. “She always seems so tense. I think her nerves get the better of her when she’s around high-profile actors.”

“You mean like you?” Apple Bloom asked in jest, pressing the door open to let Sweetie out.

“You know I didn’t mean it like that,” Diamond said, her voice filled with imitation irritation. “Besides, you’ve been in three more movies than I have.”

Apple Bloom smiled and gave a pretentious bow. “I’ll talk to you later, Your Majesty.”

Diamond rolled her eyes at her co-performer’s little jab as the yellow filly exited with her unicorn friend to calm their nerves with some bubble soap. Diamond decided to make her way to her dressing room and do something about her empty stomach, but the charismatic smile of her director put a blockade on her plans.

“Diamond Tiara,” he roared as if he was still using the megaphone, “just the crown jewel I wanted to chat up. How’s my favorite guest star doing? I trust your working conditions are to your liking?”

Diamond smiled wearily, trying to maintain her professional demeanor in front of her enthusiastic superior. “Of course, Mr. Action. You know how much I love being on this show. How could I complain?”

“That’s why I love having you here, Ti-ti. Always such a gem.” He laughed, giving her a forceful pat on the back. “So, can I get you anything? I can do that, you know.”

“It’s quite all right, Mr. Action. You already sent that gigantic gift basket to my dressing room. I think it’ll take me six weeks to finish that thing without ending up on every tabloid magazine in Equestria.”

“Hey, you deserve all those calories, little missy. I’ve never seen an actress do mean like you can. What’s your secret? You got a second personality you keep in reserve?”

Diamond chuckled playfully. “I just think of you, and it all comes naturally, sir.”

Diamond’s comment sent the director spiraling into a fierce guffaw.“Oh, Ti-ti, sometimes I just want to put you on a ring and gift you to my fiancée.” He pulled out a bubble wand and dipped it into a small flask of solution he got from his beret. “So, what’s this I hear about you becoming a regular on The Spitzershnicks? Don’t tell me this pond’s already getting too small for you.”

“No, of course not, Mr. Action!” Diamond said, wincing as a stream of bubbles blew right into her face. “My role on Friendship is Magic is a dream come true. What could be better than working with a director amazing enough to let me play a character that has my own name?”

The stallion pouted as he stirred his bubble wand in the flask, turning away from the pink filly. “Apparently working with one that lets you play a starring role.”

“Mr. Action, come on, don’t be like that,” Diamond argued as she walked around to look him in the eye. “You only put me on the cast list for two episodes this season. What am I supposed to do with all this free time? Throw diva tantrums?”

Mr. Action blew a few more bubbles before responding. “You know, a bad girl image might be a nice change of pace for you.”

“Rising...” Diamond said chidingly, giving the director a look to match.

“Yeah, yeah, you’re right. I can’t put a leash around your neck and lock you in my trophy room, no matter how much I might want to. Bubble?” he asked, offering Diamond the plastic wand.

“I’d rather not,” Diamond responded, softly rejecting the offer.

“I figured as much. Good girl,” Mr. Action said, sending another surge of bubbles into the air. “But take my advice, Ti-ti. Don’t be so good. In this business, you’ll end up with all the roles nopony else wants.”

Diamond felt her stomach switch from just growling to flat out roaring and began backing away toward the corridor behind her. “Thanks for the advice, Mr. Action. I’ll keep that in mind,” she said as she quickened her pace.

“And don’t go running off to some other show!” he called out after her. “I’m running out of antagonists as it is!”

“Then stop reforming so many of them!” Diamond called back as she disappeared around the corner and into the hallway.

She passed a few of her fellow actors, trying to keep small talk to a minimum as she headed straight for her dressing room. At long last, she arrived at the door bearing her trademark tiara symbol on it. Unfortunately, there was one more barrier separating her from finding a snack.

“I...I can’t believe it,” the skinny, brown-haired man replied with a look of pure delight. “It’s...the Diamond Tiara.” He paused for a moment as if to take a mental picture. “You are really you, right?”

Diamond fidgeted a bit, glancing between her door and the man, and uncomfortably replied, “Uh, yeah, I’m me. Can I help you?” she asked, trying to work up a smile.

“I...I’m...My name is Steve Luber. I came here from north of the border just for the chance to watch you work live. I can’t believe I’m talking to you with my own two lips. I absolutely love your work.” He removed the green bicorne from his head and squeezed it in his hands.

“Oh, r-really? I don't hear that too often. You flew out here all the way from Manada?” Diamond asked, trying her best to not seem distracted.

“Eh, who has time to fly these days?” he remarked. “I walked here.”

Diamond’s attention was pulled completely away from her door. “You...walked here? But...Equestria and Manada aren’t connected by land. The only way between the two is across the Ocean of Lost Dreams.”

“Walked, swam, what’s the difference?” Steve casually replied.

“You swam across the Ocean of Lost Dreams?” Diamond asked in disbelief. “It’s over 200,000 miles long!”

Steve dreamfully gazed up toward the ceiling. “Every time I got tired, I just remembered your inspiring words: ‘I won’t let you quit.’”

Diamond no longer had to pretend to be attentive. “I-I’m flattered, sir, but you’ll have to forgive me if I don’t believe you. That ocean hosts an entire network of cutthroat pirates and vikings that pillage and decimate without prejudice.”

“Oh, them?” Steve threw his forearm forward. “I infiltrated their ranks, slowly gaining their trust and working my way up their social ladder. Then one night, after cooking a meal of grubworms and orange casserole, I cleverly deceived them all into becoming embarrassed of their grandmothers and escaped in the resulting chaos. I don’t think there were any survivors.”

Diamond took a step backward. “O...kay, but that ocean’s filled with a ton of vicious sea monsters that prey on anything that moves. You’re telling me you got past them?”

The forearm went forward again. “Oh, them? I infiltrated their ranks, slowly working my way up the monstrous social network until I received enough social standing to meet the almighty Yuzuxuzootsupsut, hideous, snake-haired ruler of the sea and all things wet. She saw through my clever disguise by realizing I had no sharp teeth, refused to eat raw flesh, and was approximately the size of her thumbnail. She declared that I would become a sacrifice to her infinite power and captured me with her massive army of titanic sea monsters. I pleadingly appealed to Her Royal Wetness’s ego by saying she was too cool for mule. She'd never before been complimented in such a rudimentary and rhythmic fashion. She simply couldn’t allow a creature who said such things to cease existing, so she let me go, ordering all her minions to allow me safe passage to Equestria.”

Diamond’s mouth hung open in concerned bewilderment, debating whether to commend the fan on his dedication to her character or call every security guard in the studio.

“Will you sign my hat?” he asked, extending his green topper to the pink filly, the feather that protruded from it tickling her nose.

“Sure,” Diamond replied, pulling out the feather to use as a quill. “Steve...Luber, you said?” she asked, prompting a nod from the gentleman. She scribbled across the hat with the quill in her mouth before giving it back. “T-thanks for your support. It’s fans like you that inspire me to keep on!” she cheerfully said, quickly entering her dressing room and shutting the door behind her with a quick burst of nervous laughter.

Steve took a look down at his hat to see what magical words the famous filly had written. Scrawled across the rim of the hat was:

Steve, Maybe You Should Just Take A Plane Home. XOXO - Diamond Tiara

Steve kept his eyes glued to those words as he headed back to his seat in the studio audience, mumbling only the singular phrase, “I’ll do it.”

---

Diamond let out a heavy sigh and stumbled to get a look at herself in the vanity mirror on her dresser. “How did I end up in this crazy cage?” she asked, combing through her mane with her hoof.

“How did I end up in this crazy cage?”

Diamond looked over to her hat rack in the direction of the voice, cracking a smile at the comment. “What are you talking about, Peeve? You haven’t lived in a cage since I got this role.”

Diamond’s parrot flew from its perch, landing on her shoulder as she opened the top drawer of her dresser. Diamond shook her head. “You wouldn’t believe what that schlub of a director is making me do today, and here I thought he couldn’t degrade my character’s image any more.”

“Diamond’s the best,” Peeve squawked. “Nopony appreciates her talent.”

Diamond leaned back in her cushy lounging chair as she grabbed a full-sized carrot from her massive gift basket along with a pink bubble wand and plastic jar of soap she kept stashed in her dressing room drawer. “Get this: they want me to steal Scootaloo’s scooter, threaten to throw it into the lake, accidentally fall into said lake, and then start crying like a baby because I can’t swim, leading to Apple Bloom diving in to save me. Can you believe it? I think I’d rather just drown.”

“What are those writers thinking?” Peeve exclaimed, flapping its wings as if in outrage.

Diamond took an aggravated bite of her carrot, cutting it in half in one chomp. “And you should see what he has planned for me on my second episode this season. Here’s a hint: it involves hypnotism and me being lactose intolerant. I’m telling you, Peevey, he’s the worst. I’d prefer working with that Steve Luber freak than with him.”

“What a hack! He doesn’t know how lucky he is to have Diamond,” Peeve said before looking to his owner expectantly.

“Good boy,” Diamond gave him a nibble of the carrot before blowing a few dozen bubbles into the air to calm herself down. She snagged the family photo she kept on top of her dresser to look at it. “My family can’t even watch the show anymore, Peeve. Can you blame them? Who could watch their little gemstone play a role like this? I swear, the second my contract ends, I am so out of here.”

Peeve popped one of the stray bubbles in its beak and squawked in agreement.

“I mean, maybe it could be at least tolerable if I were working with half-decent actors. And here I thought the main six were a bunch of trainwrecks. Scootaloo can’t even remember her lines half the time, and she hasn’t done her own stunts since the second season.”

Diamond blew another stream of bubbles as Peeve flew off her shoulder.

“Then there’s Apple Bloom, the filly who can’t keep her nose clean long enough to breathe out of it. I swear, every time I pick up a copy of Copious Slander, she’s right there on the cover.”

Peeve flew back, now carrying the very magazine in his talons. Diamond rolled her eyes and turned away at the sight of Apple Bloom on the cover eating a raw pineapple. “Surprise, surprise,” she murmured, swirling her bubble wand around in the jar.

“Mr. Inaction says everypony’s been wanting to hear Sweetie Belle sing again,” Diamond thought out loud. “Remember that time they got her to do it for real? Hope they never make that mistake again.”

“She sounded like a goat with a turkey call,” Peeve replied.

Diamond smiled, stroking the top of Peeve’s head. “I’ve taught you well.”

“Who’s a pretty bird?” Peeve asked.

“Not Cheerilee, that’s for sure,” Diamond said. “She really needs to stop living in the past. You know she’s playing a role twenty years younger than she is? It’s almost disgusting. I'll bet she never even-”

Diamond stopped as she caught sight of her parrot sleeping on her shoulder, impersonating her own iconic snore.

“Well, fine then. If I’m boring you, I guess you don’t care about what I heard about Silver Spoon.”

The green bird sprung to life as he shouted, “Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!”

Diamond playfully kept her pet in suspense with another puff of bubbles. “Oh, that pique your interest? All right, pay close attention, because I’m not repeating myself. I heard this one straight from the gossip king, Big McIntosh himself. Turns out that ‘Silver Spoon’ is a stage name. You know what her real name is? Tea Spoon. She was so embarrassed of it that she had it legally changed.”

“Why not just name her Rainbow Disaster?” Peeve cawed in response.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if Tea Spoon’s a fake name too. She seems more like a Table Spoon if you ask me.”

Suddenly, the intercom called from overhead.

Diamond Tiara, you're wanted on set. We’re rolling in thirty seconds.

Taking one more breath of bubbles, Diamond rose from her chair. “Guess I better put my straight jacket back on,” she grumbled as she turned toward the door.

“Makeup!” Peeve shouted, shoving a large powder puff right into Diamond’s face and sending white powder everywhere.

“I’ll be back in ten, Peevey. Behave yourself while I’m gone,” Diamond said as she emerged from the imitation snow and grabbed onto the doorknob.

“What am I supposed to do with all this free time? Throw diva tantrums?” Peeve asked.

Diamond stopped, turning back to her nosy pet. “Have you been eavesdropping on me through the ventilation system again?”

“I’ll talk to you later, Your Majesty,” he replied with a squawk.

Diamond Tiara, we're rolling in fifteen seconds.

“Just don’t go causing any problems. I’m not supposed to be letting you roam around freely like this. I don’t want to get in trouble,” Diamond said as she rushed off.

“Good girl,” Peeve said. “Diamond’s the best. She deserves the world and then some.”

---

“Sorry, I’m late, everypony!” Diamond called as she rushed onto the set. “I...misplaced my special hairbrush.”

“Don’t worry about it, Diamond. You’re not late until the red light goes on,” the director called from his chair with his megaphone. “Now let’s take it from right after the house of cards collapses. Three, two, one...action!”

Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo stared in horror at the wreckage that was once something they could call a triumph. Hundreds of cards scattered around them, now filling them with only shame and anguish as the entirety of their class giggled at the event.

“Don’t feel bad,” Diamond Tiara said haughtily, peering down at the three fillies as they recovered from their fall. “Just think of all the ponies that saw that display of incompetence.”

“Won’t that just make us feel worse?” Sweetie Belle asked, trying her best to ignore the piercing stares of all her classmates.

“Maybe, but it sure puts a smile on my face,” Silver Spoon said before the two began teasingly giggling at their clumsy schoolmates.

“Surprise, surprise,” a raucous voice called out as a green blur whooshed past the crowd of colts and fillies.

Scootaloo shifted her gaze away from her tormentors for a moment as the crowd around them started to disperse. “Uh, well, you wouldn’t be laughing if we’d stacked those last thirty-seven cards!”

“Yeah,” Apple Bloom agreed, curiously looking up toward the sky. “We finished at least two out of three halves of that house of cards. We were closer to getting our cutie marks than ever before.”

“Hope they don’t make that mistake again,” the voice squawked as a small, green bird flew off the sun and landed on Diamond’s shoulder.

Her laughter vanished as she fearfully stared at the bird on her shoulder. “Uh, Mr. Action,” she said, completely dropping her prideful attitude, “maybe we should cut now.”

“Are you crazy?” a second unidentified voice whispered. “Keep going. This is beautiful.”

Taking another nervous glance at the bird, Diamond resumed her spiteful stance and replied to the yellow filly, “Oh, you are absolutely right, Apple Bloom, and no one’s more surprised than I am that you didn’t get them this time.” Under her breath, she muttered, “Or that there’s a bird on my shoulder now.”

“R-really?” Sweetie Belle asked, thrown off by essentially everything at once.

“Absolutely,” the bird answered. “I was so convinced you’d get your cutie marks in failure, stupidity, and oafishness, I even bet Tea Spoon you would.” The bird grabbed Diamond’s tiara in its talons and dropped it onto Silver’s head before perching on the Diamond’s head. “And here I thought the main six were a bunch of trainwrecks.”

“Wait, what did you just call me?” Silver asked, her face turning bright red.

“She seems more like a Table Spoon if you ask me,” the bird scathingly said.

“Nopony did ask you, birdbrain,” Diamond harshly whispered. “Now do you mind? We’re trying to shoot a scene here.”

“Well, let’s just hope Scootaloo remembers her lines this time,” the bird replied, casting a nasty glare at the orange pegasus. “I’m not supposed to be letting you roam around freely like this.”

“Uh, Mr. Action?” Scootaloo asked. “Maybe we should cut. This bird’s going off-script.”

“Come on, Scoots,” the unidentified voice called out again. “Just play it by ear. You’re all on fire out there.”

“Uh...we are not hopeless!” Scootaloo challenged. “We’ll get our cutie marks someday, and you’ll be sorry you ever made fun of us for not having them.”

“Not in this episode,” the bird hastily replied.

“Peeve!” Diamond softly shouted, looking around anxiously. “Only Pinkie and Discord are allowed to make those kinds of jokes.”

“Scootaloo’s right!” Apple Bloom said. “We’ll show ya. We’ll have the best cutie marks this school’s ever seen, and you three won’t be able to make fun of us ever again.”

“What am I supposed to say here? They didn’t give me the setup,” Sweetie whispered, earning a shush from her friends.

“You’ll have to forgive me if I don’t believe you,” the parrot replied. “Apple Bloom can’t keep her nose clean long enough to breathe out of it.”

“Say what?” Apple Bloom asked, wiping her nose with her front hoof. “Are you sayin’ I got a bat in the cave?”

“I’m not repeating myself,” the bird said, rubbing its head on Diamond’s mane.

“Where’d that bird even come from?” Silver asked, giving Diamond a strange look. “You never told me you had a pet parrot.”

“Uh, well I...just got him,” Diamond nervously responded.

“Then how does he already know so many words?” Sweetie asked.

“I just think of you and it all comes naturally,” the bird said. “Hideous, snake-haired ruler of the sea and all things wet.”

“Snake-haired?” Sweetie repeated, inspecting her curls.

“I can’t stand your voice. Sea monster,” the bird cawed. “I think I’d rather just drown.”

“Would you care to repeat that?”

The six fell silent as they looked back toward the school to see Miss Cheerilee approaching them. Her gait was solemn and uninspired, and on her face was a slightly befuddled expression of disturbed curiosity.

“Oh, M-miss Cheerilee,” Silver Spoon started. “Is it time to go back to class yet?”

“Table Spoon! Table Spoon!” the bird sang as it fluttered next to Silver’s head, quickly getting smacked away by the gray filly.

“Actually, I thought I’d come out and check on my students,” Cheerilee replied, her eyes switching between the fillies and the bird. “Am I to understand that you two are teasing your classmates for not having their cutie marks yet?”

“What would give you that idea?” Diamond asked as if she were describing a crime against ponykind.

“Blank flanks! Blank flanks!” the bird sang, this time next to Apple Bloom’s head, earning it another smack.

“T-that’s not my bird,” Diamond insisted as the bird flew back onto her head.

“Diamond’s the apex of the universe!” the bird cheered. “She sparkles more than Twilight and wills more than Iron.”

Diamond slapped herself with her hoof as Cheerilee continued, “I am very disappointed with the two of you. I won’t allow this type of behavior to go on in my class, and I can assure you that I will be speaking to both of your parents about this.”

“Can I piledrive somepony?” the bird asked.

“Excuse me?” Cheerilee asked.

“Stop living in the past.” The green bird whooshed off Diamond’s head, landing on Cheerilee’s and jerking the fuchsia hairpiece right off her head.

“Bring that back here this instant, you foul-mouthed leg of poultry!” Cheerilee shrieked, covering her head with her front hooves.

“Who’s a pretty bird? Not Cheerilee,” the bird mockingly called as it circled the six of them in the sky with the wig in its talons.

Cheerilee snorted and ran off the playground, all of her students watching in speechless terror. A loud slamming noise shortly followed.

“Uh, Mr. Action,” Scootaloo spoke up. “Miss Cheerilee just left the studio. Should we cut now?”

“Don’t worry about it,” the voice from nowhere insisted. “We’ll replace her with CG in post. Keep going.”

The wig fell onto Diamond’s head as the parrot landed back on her shoulder. “Diamond’s an uncut miracle!” It nuzzled against her neck. “Her only flaw is everypony she works with.”

“Shut up!” Diamond shouted, shooing the bird off her shoulder. “I told you to stay in your room and not cause any trouble. What’s wrong with you? Are you trying to get me fired?”

“Don’t be so good,” the bird barked back.

“What?” Diamond asked, checking to see if the director had finally turned the camera off yet. To her disappointment, the red light was still shining brightly.

The bird circled around Diamond’s head as it continued, “They’re making me look like a bad friend. They’re literally throwing mud on my character this time. They want me to wear bunny ears on international television. Whose idea was it to make me play second banana to Babs Seed? King Sombra beat me in popularity polls last week. They made Discord friendlier than me this season.”

It stopped circling and transitioned to flying right in front of Diamond’s face. “They want me to steal Scootaloo’s scooter and then start crying like a baby. And here I thought they couldn’t degrade my character’s image any more.”

Diamond turned off her anger as the feathered creature’s words rang through her ears. “You...you came out here just to stop me from going through with another crummy role?”

“Diamond’s the best,” the bird replied as it reclaimed its perch on her shoulder. “Nopony appreciates her talent.”

Diamond froze as if she had just heard that sort of praise for the very first time. “I repeated that in front of you at least seven hundred times to get you to say that,” she recalled. “You’re not just repeating it anymore, are you?”

The bird stared into her eyes and replied in a much calmer tone, “Who could watch their little gemstone play a role like this?”

Diamond had to smile as her pet rubbed against her neck again. “I love you, Peeve,” she murmured, stroking the top of the bird’s head again. She then shifted her gaze away from the four fillies at her sides and took an agitated step away from them.

“Mr. Action, I’m not putting up with this nonsense for one more second. I’ve been playing nice girl around here for way too long, and I’m sick of it! From now on, I want some say in what my character will and will not do. I don’t care how contractually obligated I am to work here. If you want to see a lick of talent out of me, you’ll start giving my character the respect she deserves!”

And...cut!

The lights dimmed as the red light shut off and the various creatures of the studio audience erupted in applause, the director joining in.

“Fantastic work, everypony. Now somepony throw a pie in Diamond’s face and we’ve got our scene.”

“Now wait just a-” Diamond and her shoulder bird were silenced as a large mass of banana and cream from Sweetie Belle splattered them both across the face.

“Did you get that?” the director asked the pony behind the camera. “Excellent. I think this might be the best scene we’ve had in years.”

“What are you talking about?” Silver Spoon asked. “None of what just happened makes any sense in the context of the episode.”

“Yeah,” Apple Bloom agreed. “We never explained where the bird came from, and its motivation for being here made less sense than half of its dialogue.”

“Plus, we made Miss Cheerilee look like the villain,” Scootaloo said, “and pointlessly at that.”

“And what’s the audience supposed to think about us randomly talking to some guy named Mr. Action that was never on-screen?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“I understand your concerns, but don’t worry,” the orange stallion encouraged. “All we need to do is harness the most magical force in the universe, and it’ll all be fine.”

“Friendship?” Diamond asked, wiping the pie out of her eyes.

“No, editing!” the director replied. “Just you wait. With a little word tweaking and a few fade transitions, we’ll have a coherent thirty-second masterpiece that the fans will be artistically rendering for the next three years. Now let’s move onto the next scene. Somepony needs to go dig up Twist.”

The actors groaned as they walked off the set to allow the stage crew to change the backdrop.

“By the way, Diamond,” Mr. Action added, getting the pie-coated filly’s attention, “I liked your little speech at the end there. It really made me think about what I’ve been doing with your character all these years. I think you’re right. It’s time for a change.”

“Really? You mean it, sir?” Diamond cheerfully asked.

“Absolutely. I think after what I just saw we can really go places with this.”

“Uh, go places with what exactly?”

“The bird! Little Peevey here,” the director exclaimed. “We’ll make it canon that your pet parrot has been calling the shots from day one. We’ll let all the hate that’s been coming your way fall right onto his birdy shoulders. You'll become a sympathetic character and we won’t even have to reform you. Am I not brilliant?”

“You mean you want me to become a weak-willed cream puff that acts mean because her pet bird tells her to?” Diamond asked as Peeve started tasting Diamond’s left ear.

“I’m telling you, Diamond. You’ll be more popular than Applejack by the end of the season. And Peeve, let’s do lunch. My ponies will contact you about a contract in eight to ten business days. I’ll be in my trailer if you need me.” Before Diamond could get in a word of protest, the director had left the studio.

Peeve paused its afternoon snack to comment, “I’d prefer working with that Steve Luber freak.”

“Your...your bird knows my name?” a praising voice stuttered. “And here I thought this day couldn’t get better. Will you both sign this golden chalice I got from Yuzuxuzootsupsut?” He held up a gaudy, shimmering goblet that took both hands just to hold.

Diamond put up a pleasant front as she grabbed the cup. “I’d be happy to-”

“Diamond Tiara!” a voice filled with ferocity shouted right in Diamond’s ear, making her drop the chalice.

Diamond turned to see four angry fillies staring at her.

“Who told you about my real name? Do you know how much I paid to cover that up?” Silver asked as she tossed the tiara she was wearing off her head.

“And I don’t mess up my lines all the time!” Scootaloo shouted. “It’s more like half the time.”

“What have you been telling that bird about my nose?” Apple Bloom asked. “My doctor says it's got the perfect amount of mucus in it.”

“Snake-haired?” Sweetie Belle fumed, her eyes bulging out with rage.

Diamond took a step back. “Oh, would you look at the clock? It’s lunch time. I don’t know about you girls, but I’m starving. I’ll see you there!” Diamond disappeared in a cloud of dust as the four fillies dashed after her.

Steve Luber picked up the fallen tiara off the ground as Diamond’s parrot landed on his shoulder. He looked at the bird and asked, “You think she’d mind if I kept this?”

“Are you kidding me, Lube?” Peeve responded in a subdued, typical speaking voice. “She’d freak.”

Cut!

Author's Note:

This has been The Secret Friendship of Steve and Peeve. Filmed before a live studio audience.

Comments

[Yukito]

Okay, this certainly took an interesting turn. Nice job there, and I can totally see DT having a pet parrot, if only so that she can teach it to say 'blank flank' over and over so that she can torment the CMC during show and tell without getting in trouble for it XD After all, she can't help it if her pet parrot just happened to learn a few words from a documentary about bullying and now can't stop repeating them

EDIT: Oh, also... " Peeve responded in a human-like voice. "

What the hay is a 'hoo-man'?

[ServingSpoon]

“Maybe I should piledrive Miss Cheerilee,” Silver Spoon suggested. “You know, to make sure the younger audience understands I’m the villain here.”

oh that made my day!

[ServingSpoon]

Mr. Action blew a few more bubbles before responding. “You know, a bad girl image might be a nice change of pace for you.”
“Rising...” Diamond said chidingly, giving the director a look to match.

what does Diamond Tiara mean by "Rising"? And btw Mr. Action's response is as equally confusing and slightly disturbing talking about putting a leash on her?

[ServingSpoon]

The bird circled around Diamond’s head as it continued, “They’re making me look like a bad friend. They’re literally throwing mud on my character this time. They want me to wear bunny ears on international television. Whose idea was it to make me play second banana to Babs Seed? King Sombra beat me in popularity polls last week. They made Discord friendlier than me this season.”

It's like he's pulling words right out of my head!

[ServingSpoon]

everything but that "sompony dig up Twist" comment was comedy gold!