Chapter 6: The way to a wrestler's heart is under his loincloth.
All that Glitters is Gold
Chapter 6
The way to a wrestler’s heart is under his loincloth.
Yoshiwara Kokugikan, also known Daigongen Arena! The greatest indoor sporting arena of Canterlot, located in the heart of the Shangri-La District, dedicated fully to the glorious sport of sumo wrestling! Its massive wooden walls dominated the great commercial centrum of the otherwise poor district, like an ancient diamond covered in the history of the immigrants. The pyramid-shaped roof was like the humble, balding head of the former shogun Neighpon after whom it had been named, and the many nobori flags surrounding it advertising the various wrestlers were like the unfashionable briefs worn by the same shogun.
Inside that beautiful building dedicated to the most beautiful of all sports, a group of four creatures listened earnestly the to the lecture given by a the instructor of a very famous sumo stable. This pony, a former yokozuna himself, was known by the name of Kingdom. He was a huge stallion, easily doing his name justice, with his dark mane put up in a chonmage.
“Understand?” Kingdom questioned the four with a booming voice. “Your job is to make sure that our current champion, Hawk Beak, will be as relaxed as possible before the match starts! That includes a healthy snack, a massage, his specially prepared sports drink, a hoof-bath, a manicure, preparation of his loincloth, another massage, tightening of his chonmage…”
As the lesson continued in the locker room, the freelancers were focused on jotting down notes. Their eyes, like those of dead fish, were filled with pride and honor as they were now a part of this most noblest of sports. Indeed, these creatures are our protagonists, the Gold Standard “We do everything!” freelancer team. Finally their efforts had paid off and they had moved up in the world!
Fool’s Gold leaned towards Ambra and levitated his notebook in front of her, showing what he had written down.
“Look, look. I drew Short Fuse,” Gold whispered to the gryphon and snickered. In his notebook was a crudely drawn picture of a fire-breathing earth pony with a permanent scowl.
“Less is more,” Ambra whispered back, showing her own drawing. “Look”.
In Ambra’s notebook, there was a picture of an explosion with profanities scattering around it.
“Hey! Take this seriously, ya idiots!” Short Fuse roared, smacking both the gryphon and the unicorn. “We finally got a well-payin’ job, and now ya don’t even bother ta show interest in it!”
She’s right! You should be hanged for ridiculing such a glorious sport as sumo wrestling!
“Just shut up, two of you,” Fool’s Gold groaned, rubbing his forehead. “Especially you, narrator. What fun is there in watching two overweight ponies sweat and struggle in a ring that’s far too small for them?”
S-such insolence! I should quit this job right now!
“Just face the facts, will you?” Gold said. “Look, even the monkey is showing zero interest in this ridiculous sport. That should tell you enough about it.”
The unicorn pointed at the other end of the bench they were sitting on. There, curled up in a large, furry ball, was Hideyoshi. The monkey was fast asleep, snoring like there was no tomorrow. He even had a large string of drool hanging from his mouth.
“If a monkey doesn’t care about it, neither do I,” Fool’s Gold concluded. “I’m only here because I need more money, and fast. A new casino opened just recently, and I was thinking of hitting it b—“
The rest of Gold’s words were cut off as a huge belly collided with his head, sending him hurling straight at the back wall. The stallion hit the wall head-first and ended up embedded into it like a shameful Nightmare Night decoration.
“Somehow, this feels familiar…” Fool’s Gold mumbled, his voice barely audible.
“You idiots! Show some respect! This sacred sport is the pride and joy of us Neighponese! If you’re planning on living here on Yoshiwara Street, you had better learn to appreciate sumo wrestling!” Kingdom roared, causing both Ambra and Short Fuse to flinch back. “If you fools screw up this job, I’ll be sure to inform about it to la famiglia! They’ve invested a lot in today’s match, so our stable cannot afford to lose!”
“U-understood,” Short Fuse hurried to calm down the stallion. “Ya can count on us! We’re the best freelancers in the business, so don’cha worry ‘bout tonight. We’ll be as good as your regular employees, I tell ya.”
“You better be.” Kingdom snorted. “Of all the days for all of them to fall ill, it had to be today. Well, it can’t be helped. I’ll trust you to take care of Hawk Beak. I need to go oversee the preparations for the match now, so I’ll see you after the match. If you do a good job, you’ll be paid well. If not…”
Kingdom made a very clear cutting motion across his throat.
As the colossal stallion left the locker room, the freelancer team began preparations for the arrival of the current champion, Hawk Beak. Short Fuse began gathering the warm towels, while Ambra headed to the side room where the wrestlers’ lunches were kept. Hideyoshi, on the other hand, started the difficult tasl of yanking Fool’s Gold out of the wall; a task which the monkey just barely accomplished.
“I guess there’s no avoiding it. Let’s just get this silliness over with, and quickly,” Fool’s Gold said while nursing his bleeding head. “The faster we’re out of this place, the faster the narrator stops declaring his love of a sport featuring sweaty stallions huffing and puffing like they were big bad wolves.”
Hey! I have to put up with the idiocy of you four every chapter! Give me a break!
“I agree,” Short Fuse said, having finished with the towels. “But we still hafta do our best, ya know? It’s our first job in weeks.”
“I know, I know,” Gold answered. “We need that money, especially me. That new casino sounds simply wondrous, so I have to check it out with Wordwise.”
“If ya think that, ya got anoddah thing comin’,” Fuse growled and gave quite the glare to her boss. “That money ain’t for ya to squander like ya please. It’s for our rent!”
“Right…” Fool’s Gold backed down a bit when he saw the menacing stare of the mare. “W-what do you say we go get that massage table? I think the trainer said it was in the storage.”
“Sure,” Short fuse answered and nodded. She then turned towards the open door of the side room. “Ambra? Can ya handle things here while we go ta fetch the massage table?”
“Sure. Hideyoshi will help,” Ambra shouted from the other room.
Gold and Fuse left the locker rooms and headed into the maze-like corridors that sprawled under the arena proper. Above them, through the ceiling, they could hear the constant chatter, whistling and excited hollering of the masses that had come to see the day’s match. Curious creatures as they were, ponies were excited to see a sumo-match of such a grand scale, like every creature should be. It was too bad that the duo entering the storage did not share their enthusiasm.
“I swear, if I have to hear one more quip about how great sumo wrestling is, I’m gonna hurl,” Fool’s Gold grunted. His eyes scanned the storage room until they fell on the massage table tucked in the corner.
“Stop grumblin’ an’ help me with this,” Short Fuse said as she started pulling the table out. “Don’cha know lookin’ a gift horse in the mouth is bad for ya?”
“That’s slavery, oi,” Gold answered. “Don’t go joking ‘bout things that’ll get us into trouble.”
The two ponies started moving the massive massage table out of the storage room and into the corridor. Seeing as it had been made to sumo wrestlers, it was a colossal thing with wheels, meant for only the finest of athletes. For them, it was like Valhalla: a place of rest for glorious heroes of modern times!
“Don’t make it sound something so glorious,” Fool’s Gold said with an annoyed look. “Rather than Valhalla, this is the last pit-stop before the fiery end for those athletes: a place where they lie motionlessly and in despair until they are forced into the hell known as B-grade foals’ movies just to make the ends meet.”
Nopony wants to hear such depressing facts!
After battling with the rusting wheels of the massage table for a while, the two ponies were finally able to drag it back to the locker rooms. Short Fuse kicked the door open and, after a minor struggle with the doorway, they rolled it inside, setting next to the lockers in a wide space reserved for it. Both Fuse and Gold wiped sweat from their foreheads and gave sighs of relief. It had been a more demanding task than they had anticipated, but having done it, they were that much closer to the paycheck.
“Well, with that out of the way, the only thing we need is the champion himself,” Gold said and turned around. “Just what’s keeping that pony… any… way…”
His words slowly died on his lips as he began to take in the scene before him. Short Fuse frowned at the sudden silence of her boss and turned around too, only to freeze in a similar manner. Expressions of pure shock and terror began to climb on their faces as the situation in the locker room dawned upon them. Gold even started making unintelligible noises, as if his attempts of a retort had been prevented by the stupefying effect of the sight before him.
“Ah. Gold. Fuse. You came back,” Ambra said nonchalantly while her claws kept working. “The wrestler came. I started working.”
As if to answer that, the sickly-green and convulsing pony on the ground groaned painfully and reached out to the duo with his hoof.
“Just what did ya do, ya birdbrain!?”
The horrified shout of Short Fuse and Fool’s Gold resonated like a gong-like echo inside the locker room.
“I fed him. Hemlock sandwiches,” Ambra answered. “That’s what you ordered.”
“They’re poisonous ta ponies, ya idiot!” Fuse roared. “Are ya tryin’ ta kill the champion!?”
The originally midnight-blue sumo wrestler lying on the ground made another pained attempt at getting up, but was only able to writhe pathetically. Foam formed around his mouth and his magnificent, blue chonmage came undone, revealing the embarrassingly prominent bald spot on top of his head. Giving one more gurgling cry, he went limp against the floor, becoming completely motionless.
“Oii! The champion’s completely limp! He’s more limp than his own ‘champion’ after a scandalous affair with a fan!” Gold shouted. “Quick! We need to flush his stomach! Give him something to drink, fast!”
“Here. Sports-drink.” Ambra produced a bottle of a strangely-colored liquid from behind her, and offered it to the stallion. “I made it. It’s a powdered drink mix.”
“Give it here!” Gold grunted and opened the bottle before jamming it into Hawk Beak’s mouth. “Come back to us, champion!”
Unfortunately, contrary to the hopes of Fool’s Gold and Short Fuse, the drink did not ease the pain of Hawk Beak. Instead, his face went completely white, and another cloud of foam poured from his mouth. His eyes rolled to the back of his head, and the sumo wrestler began twitching as the color of his coat changed from dark blue into sickly purple.
“What’s with this drink!?” Gold roared in panic. “What was in it!?”
“Like I said, a powdered drink mix,” Ambra answered and pointed to the corner of the locker room, where there stood a small, suspicious box of white powder. “I mixed it. From that.”
“That’s the salt for the shikiri! It’s what they use for the ceremony before the bout, you idiot!” Gold shouted and swatted Ambra on the head. “Not only is the champion poisoned, now he’s plastered, too!?”
“Stop shoutin’ ‘n start thinkin’!” Fuse joined the chaos. “We need ta fix this! First off, we need ta stop the champion from convulsin’ ‘n dyin’ on the floor!”
“Oh, we can fix that,” Ambra calmly answered and looked at the monkey near her. “Hideyoshi. Fix it.”
“Ook!”
Unceremoniously, the golden monkey grabbed Hawk Beak by his hind hooves and lifted him up in the air, dangling the champion like a yo-yo. The primate then scanned the locker room, searching for a specific spot with its eyes. Finally it found a hatch on the wall. It briskly walked over to it, still dragging the sumo wrestler, and opened the hatch, revealing a long chute that led downwards.
“Wait, what are you doing you stupid primate? Don’t even think of—“
“Ook!”
Gold’s words were mercilessly cut as Hideyoshi shouted energetically and raised Hawk Beak above his head. The monkey then rammed the large pony into the chute with a tremendous force, half-burying him into it. Both Short Fuse and Fool’s Gold watched in horror as the rear of the current sumo champion stuck out of the wall in a rather disgraceful manner.
“Stop it!” Fuse shouted. “The champion’s not gonna fit! An’ why are ya stickin’ him in ta the trash-chute, anyways!?”
“That’s right,” Ambra nodded, looking troubled. “He’s too big. He needs a bigger push.”
The gryphon calmly drew her fist back and aimed it at the rear of Hawk Beak. Despite the horrified screams of Fool’s Gold and Short Fuse, Ambra then launched a brutal punch to her target, utilizing all of her ridiculous strength. The metal siding of the trash-chute groaned as it bent. It eventually gave away and the current champion of the Equestria Sumo Kyokai was sent barreling down the chute. The following silence was broken only by the occasional sound of Hawk Beak hitting something on his long, long way down to the basement.
Fuse and Gold were unable to even scream anymore. The expression of helplessness and terror plastered on their faces seemed to be etched for eternity.
“All good,” Ambra triumphantly stated, and gave the duo thumbs-up.
Her only answer was a chilling silence, followed by Short Fuse grasping her by the head and shaking violently.
“No it ain’t!” The mare retorted. “Do ya have any idea what that monkey just did!? If Kingdom finds out, we’ll be dead meat, ya know!? Go fetch Hawk Beak, quick!”
“But…” Ambra tried to argue back, but she was immediately petrified by Short Fuse’s glare, one that rivaled that of a certain yellow pegasus with much calmer disposition.
“No. Buts.” Short Fuse’s voice was now nothing but a low growl. “Go.”
Never had Fool’s Gold seen a gryphon move so fast at such a low altitude.
“And ya! Monkey!” Short Fuse turned at Hideyoshi after Ambra’s hasty exit. “Why did ya stick him in ta the trash-chute!? Ya damn #¤&@§-brained primate! What was the point!?”
Hideyoshi only shrugged nonchalantly in response, as if it hadn’t been its problem. It would have looked much cooler, however, if Short Fuse hadn’t roundhouse-kicked him out of the door immediately afterwards.
“Go check the ring! That way ya can’t do any more damage, idiot!”
Only few seconds later, a brown and smelly projectile flew from the door through which Hideyoshi had disappeared. It hit Short Fuse squarely in the face, causing her to stumble backwards. An alarmingly awkward atmosphere fell into the locker room, during which Fool’s Gold could only watch as the situation spiraled from disastrous into catastrophic. It was as if that single room had, for a moment, transformed into the chaos capital of the world.
“That… that…” Short Fuse seemed to be momentarily stunned by the smelly projectile that had hit her.
It took for full ten seconds for the mare to recover, and when she did, it sounded like a small nuclear explosion had gone off in the locker rooms. This narrator has decided that, in the interest of good taste, to omit the next fifteen lines of dialogue from Short Fuse. It is also to prevent breaching the acceptable limits of a Teen-rated story. This narrator apologizes.
So, after an outburst that left Fool’s Gold looking as if he had heard the innermost secrets of Tartarus…
“C-calm down, delinquent mare,” Gold said and patted Fuse on the back. The mare was heaving and her bloodshot eyes were focused on the floor. “We can still fix this. When Ambra brings the champion back, we’ll have a way out of this. It doesn’t matter if he’s conscious or not. As long as he makes it to the ring, nopony can prove we were involved with this in any way!”
“You’re soundin’ a bit desperate, Boss,” Fuse grunted, wiping the sweat off her forehead. “But I got ya. We don’t hafta get paid, we just hafta get outta this alive. So we just need the champion, gotcha.”
“Speaking of whom… where is that birdbrain?” Gold asked, looking worriedly at the door leading to the corridor. “She should be back by now…”
Just as the golden-maned pony said this, they both heard a pair of claws scratching against the cold, hard floor of the corridor. This sound was accompanied by not only by the fluttering of wings, but by the sound of hooves clicking against the same floor. The sounds got closer and closer until the knob of the door turned, and the door slowly swung open.
“Good job, Ambra! Now, bring that half-dead champion here quickly, so we can mask his sickness somehow,” Gold hurried the gryphon. “Afterwards, let’s get out of—“
“Hmh? Dost thou mean that We are to have our own, personal seats so close to the ring?” A booming, powerful voice cut off Gold’s words. “T’was most fortunate for Us to have met thee, Miss Ambra. We were afraid that We hath completely lost Our way in this large building.”
“It’s alright. Best seats, here,” Ambra answered. “You get to see everything. All up-close.”
“We art satisfied. Please, doth must alloweth Us to reward thee in some way, after the bout,” the booming voice answered just before the door swung open completely, and two creatures stepped into the locker rooms.
Just like the champion, the pony with Ambra had a midnight-blue coat. Her blue mane was also vaguely of the same color as that of Hawk Beak. What the champion did not have was the horn that jutted out of the pony’s head. Nor did he have the pair of magnificent wings, or the moon-shaped Cutie Mark adorning the mare’s flank. In fact, other than the slightly similar color-scheme, the tall mare walking besides Ambra looked nothing like the rotund sumo champion the gryphon had poisoned earlier.
Pri… Pri… Fool’s Gold was unable to comprehend the sight before him, and was reduced to repeating the same syllable in his mind. Pri… Pri…
But who could blame Fool’s Gold? He had all the right to look like his world had come to an end in an abrupt and absurd manner. In fact, something like that had pretty much happened. After all, there, in the doorway, standing besides Ambra and radiating a royal aura that seemed to fill the room to the brim, was…
Princess Luna!? Fool’s Gold and Short Fuse screamed in their minds.
The Ruler of the Night, the Lady of Dreams and the former tyrant called Nightmare Moon, had descended amongst the commoners, and somehow found her way into one rundown, smelly locker room.
“What is the Princess doing here!?” Fool’s Gold whispered furiously to Fuse. “This doesn’t make any sense!?”
“That idiot!” Fuse answered in an equally fervent whisper. “Ambra probably thought we could use the Princess instead ‘a Hawk Beak! Ya gotta be kiddin’ me!”
“We can’t do that!” Gold said. “First of all, the Princess would have to be incredibly ignorant to even enter the ring, let alone compete!”
“But do tell me, Miss Ambra…” Princess Luna suddenly spoke up. “Where art the seats? We do not see them anywhere.”
“Oh. They’re in the ring,” Ambra stated. “Best seats.”
“Dost thou mean We are able to watch the bout from the ring itself? How marvelous!” Princess Luna boomed. “We truly hath made the right decision when partaking in this foreign sport!”
She’s more than incredibly ignorant! Gold and Fuse screamed internally, in perfect unison. That’s 1,000 years in the moon for you!
While the Princess was busy looking around the locker room, Fuse and Gold moved quickly to Ambra, grasping the gryphon by the shoulders and shaking her violently. Ambra was less than bothered than this and simply kept picking her nose like it was a common occurrence in her bizarre life, since it pretty much was.
“What do ya think you’re doin’!? Now we’re goin’ ta get killed, either by the mafia or by the royalty! Ya damn birdbrain, ‘a all the ponies why did ya have to drag the Princess in here!?” Short Fuse whispered furiously.
“It’s alright. Perfect substitute,” Ambra calmly answered. “We’re safe.”
“How are we safe!?” Gold retorted. “You can’t hide the fact our wrestler is a bona fide alicorn, not some sweaty Neighponese immigrant! She doesn’t even have the right body shape! She’s missing about three hundred kilos! If she had partaken more keenly of the local cakes we might be able to do it, but because she has been keeping on her diet, we’re outta luck! Damn you, royal health plan!”
“That’s got nothin’ ta do with this!” Fuse retorted. “Don’t go blamin’ the Princess for takin’ care ‘a her figure! We need ta figure a way outta this!”
Suddenly, Ambra patted both of the ponies on their heads.
“Calm down,” the gryphon said. “I have a plan.”
“… A plan?” Fuse and Gold asked.
Ambra gave a small, confident smile and put her talon behind her. From there, she pulled out something that looked suspiciously like a big, dark blue garbage bag. The ponies stared at it in confusion while Ambra continued to look like she had found the perfect answer to all of their problems.
“Eh?” Gold uttered.
****
“From myself and every one of us here in the shoutbox, we'd love to thank you all for joining us at the 14th annual Equestria Sumo Kyokai, but don't even think about leaving just yet, because here comes the moment you've all been waiting for, the championship match! It is beauuutiful day for a fight! Tensions are running high here in Daigongen Arena! I am your commentator for the day, Gutter Ridge, bringing you up to speed with the highly-anticipated match between the greatest yokozuna in all of Equestria!” The shrill voice of the commentator blasted from the loudspeakers, destroying all kind of dignity this fabled sport would have had in its homeland. However, the uncultured ponies of Canterlot did not seem to mind this and simply cheered.
If only this narrator had been there in the commentators’ box, instead of Gutter Ridge…
“The challenger is none other than Starbow North, here all the way from Neighpon! Making his first appearance in the ring when he was only fifteen years old, now this gargantuan stallion aims for the very top! To win the championship tournament of Equestria!” Gutter Ridge continued to holler. “He’ll be going against his toughest opponent yet, but we shall see how he handles these odds!”
The main hall of the Daigongen Arena was immense in size and most of it had been taken up by the seats of the audience. A veritable sea of ponies had filled these seats to the brim. In the center of the hall was the ring, dohyou, only about four meters in diameter. Above it hung the additional roof that resembled those of Neighponese temples, with colorful tassels suspended from each corner. Spotlights had been aimed at this relatively small ring, showing the referees and attendants who had already taken their place.
Another spotlight was lit, one aimed straight at a stallion advancing down a ramp towards the ring. The stallion was the challenger for the Equestrian title, the sumo prodigy known as Starbow North. His pearl-white coat, grey mane and confident stride evoked the image of a pony with royal blood flowing in his veins. Confidently, this aristocratic sumo wrestler took his place on the other side of the ring.
“Aaaaand his challenger is none other than Equestria’s current champion, Hawk Beak! With an unbroken record of victories and nearly zero losses, it would be a surprise for him to lose today!” Gutter Ridge bellowed. “Shall this be an easy victory for Hawk Beak, or will he finally meet his match?”
A single spotlight lit up, and aimed itself towards the top of the other ramp. Thousands of fans turned their gazes towards the light, eager to see the gallant form of their hero and idol. Unfortunately, that was not what they saw. Instead, what greeted them was a rather awkward-looking pony with a lumpy-looking stomach who edged carefully down the ramp while trying to look confident.
Or, more accurately described, what they saw was Princess Luna wearing a plastic garbage bag, and Ambra who was clinging to the Princess inside that bag, pretending to be her stomach.
A deafening silence fell over the hall and, for a moment, one would have been able to hear a pin drop.
“I-it’s not working!” Fool’s Gold whispered to Short Fuse. “No matter how you look at it, nopony is mistaking that abomination for Hawk Beak! Just look at them, every single pony in the audience looks like they’ve been sucker-punched! Their eyes have whited out!”
Indeed, it seemed that all of the audience had adopted an identical expression as if an incredibly sour lemon had been forced down their throat.
“Ya gotta calm down, Boss!” Fuse hissed. “We just gotta play it cool, an’ we can get outta this alive! I’m sure the Princess can do it!”
“Do it!?” Gold retorted. “That idiotic royal doesn’t even realize she’s taking a part in the match! She just thinks she’s on her way to her seat!”
Princess Luna made her way down to the ring, apparently completely oblivious to the fact that the whole audience, not to mention the referee and the assistants around the ring, were staring at her like some sort swamp monster. With a calmness befitting a member of the royalty, she took her place behind the white line drawn to the ring just like Starbow North had done previously.
“This isn’t good! The referee is gonna call the match off because she’s obviously not Hawk Beak!” Fool’s Gold was now sweating bullets. “This is going to end up in tears!”
But, on the contrary…
“Ook!” The referee, or gyoji as the Neighponese called him, raised his wooden fan as a sign that the match was about to begin.
However, for Short Fuse and Fool’s Gold, that was not the most surprising development.
“What is that monkey doing as the referee!?” Gold groaned. “How did Hideyoshi end up in there!?”
“I dunno!” Fuse answered, just as flabbergasted as her boss. “I knew I ordered him ta prepare things here, but that damn primate took it too far!”
While the wrestlers started the preparation ceremonies (the Princess performing them without realizing why), the two ponies at the ringside stared in confusion as Hideyoshi, dressed in the full uniform of a sumo referee, watched over the ring. It seemed that the decision of the “referee” had dissolved the awkward atmosphere, as now the audience was chattering like normal, and even the opposing wrestler seemed to have shaken off his confusion about his opponent’s identity. It was all because of Hideyoshi, and the monkey looked surprisingly comfortable where he was now, even turning to look at the ponies at the ringside and giving them a wink. After seeing that, Fool’s Gold gave a sigh of relief.
“I think he realized we’d need additional help,” the stallion said. “Who’d have known that monkey was so clever?”
“I still haven’t forgiven him…” Fuse grumbled. She let her gaze wander around the ring, before suddenly performing a double-take at the sight of Fool’s Gold. “W-wait… Boss? What are ya wearin’?”
Instead of his usual golden Neighponese garments, Fool’s Gold was now sporting a yellow jacket, white shirt and a black beanie. At the same time, the stallion was levitating a bottle of water and a moistened towel. He was staring intently at the ring, and Fuse could not but help to think that he was in a slightly wrong place with such a get-up.
“What do you mean? I’m not Fool’s Gold anymore, I’m Gold Mill!” Gold announced with a goofy grin. “I’m here to make sure that the Princess is gonna eat lightnin’ and crap thunder, Adrian!”
“Who’s Adrian!?” Fuse retorted. “This whole thing’s already a disaster, ya don’t need ta add ta it, Boss!”
Despite Fuse’s complaints, Gold refused to switch back to his regular clothes, and before long, the match started. With the chattering, murmuring and deafening sounds of conversation that came from the audience, it was impossible for Fuse to voice her complaints towards her employer anymore, and so she was reduced to shooting an angry glare at him every now and then; in other words, rather similar to the actual whining female that Gold had mentioned.
As the attendants, with the monkey-referee in the lead, started taking their places in the ring, Princess Luna kept looking around her in mild confusion. Her “stomach” squirmed occasionally as Ambra tried to shift her position to a more comfortable one. Unfortunately it was rather hard, seeing that she was clinging to the alicorn and hanging under her belly, not to mention there was a suffocating plastic bag covering her whole body.
“P-Princess!” Gold hissed loudly enough to catch the attention of the alicorn. “Don’t fret it! This is just a normal procedure! Looks like somepony had booked the best place in the house, too, and now you have to fight him for it! Just go with the flow!”
Short Fuse smacked her head against the floor when she heard this incredibly stupid lie.
“We understand. Such a peculiar tradition, but We are more than happy to partake in it!” Princess Luna answered. “Thou were kind to bring this to Our attention.”
Having just gotten back up, Fuse fell head-first to the floor again when she heard the Princess’ reply.
The two wrestlers took their places, Princess of the Night mimicking the movements of her opponent perfectly. Or rather, as perfectly as one could when they had a fake stomach made of a gryphon and a plastic bag. Hideyoshi took his place near the edge of the ring. This got the attention of the audience as they piped down once more, and even Gutter Ridge, who had been yammering on constantly in the background, had the decency to shut up now that the actual match was about to start.
An electric tension ran in the air as Princess Luna and Starbow North squatted down, sizing each other up. While this might have looked impressive to the audience viewing it from afar, both Gold and Fuse were nervous for a completely another reason. After all, while Princess Luna might have been able to mimic her opponent’s movements, there was no guarantee that she would not be tossed out of the ring in an single instant. Neither of the ponies wanted to even think about what would happen in that case.
Hideyoshi bent his knees and eyed the Princess and Starbow North, both of whom were prepared for the match to start. The monkey drew the wooden fan up to its knees, and that single gesture seemed to bring the tension to the boiling point, both in the audience and in the ring. Short Fuse swallowed nervously, while Gold clamped his jaw down on the towel he had been holding.
The silence in the hall was almost unearthly. It was the calm before the storm, a single moment before everything would explode. Starbow North locked his eyes with Princess Luna’s, and despite her clearly not being his original opponent, he seemed to accept her as a contester for the championship title.
Too bad the only thing the Princess was contesting was the right to sit in a seat that did not even exist.
Suddenly, the silence was broken and everything erupted into a flurry of movement. Hideyoshi pulled back his wooden fan and Starbow North charged forward, both at the same time. Despite being so large, the stallion moved like greased lightning, crossing the short distance between him and the Princess in under a second. His enormous weight crashed into the alicorn, pushing her back with terrifying force.
“No! Princess!” Short Fuse roared, realizing the match was about to be over before it had even begun. “Ya gotta shift your weight down! Shift your weight down!”
“Hit with the front hooves! Slaps, not punches!” Gold shouted, gritting his teeth together. “Keep hittin’ ‘em in the ribs! Don’t let him breathe!”
“Will ya cut it out already!?” Fuse groaned and swatted her employer.
Hearing the voices of her friends, Ambra decided to act. While the Princess of the Moon had been taken completely by surprise, the gryphon had been prepared. She let go with her paws, breaking the hold of her hind-legs from the Princess. Quickly, she slammed her paws against the ground, her claws digging into the soil that made up the ring. Using all her strength, she was able to stop the furious charge of their opponent and stop them from being pushed out of the ring.
“We thank thee, Miss Ambra!” Luna bellowed to Ambra. “We were caught by surprise, but We now see what manner of competition this truly is. Alloweth us to prepare a counter-attack!”
Using her front legs, Princess Luna delivered two arching strikes towards Starbow North, forcing the stallion to retreat slightly. This took the pressure of her and Ambra, allowing a single second for a breather. The paws that had been stopping their slide backwards now applied all their force forward, making the alicorn shoot forward like a rocket. Princess Luna slammed against Starbow North in a violent fashion, now forcing the stallion back. The tables had been turned.
Seeing that there was unrealistic force behind his opponent’s charge, Starbow was forced to resort to a similar tactic to the one that the Princess had employed earlier. He raised his left front leg, ready to deliver a slap to the body of the Princess. But Fool’s Gold had anticipated this. He had seen his share of battles, and some of the same tactics could be applied to sumo wrestling. Therefore, he yelled out a single order, one he knew would bring the end of the bout.
Sumo matches rarely lasted over a minute. It had truly come the time to bring this fight to a crashing finale.
“Princess!” Fool’s Gold roared like a lion. “It’s your chance! Use a cross-counter!”
“Understood!”
With the acknowledgment of the Princess ringing in their ears, both Short Fuse and Fool’s Gold watched in awe as the alicorn raised her left front hoof. The hoof gathered momentum before it came hurling forward in a magnificent strike aimed straight at her opponent’s head. It travelled along the trajectory of Starbow’s punch, blocking her enemy’s punch completely. In the end, the punch connected with the head of the stallion with a thunderous sound. The force behind the punch was enough to send the stallion flying back a couple of meters, causing the audience to roar in surprise.
And so, with a sound similar to that of a falling elder tree, Starbow North fell to the ground, having been rendered completely unconscious.
“Ook!” Hideyoshi announced, raising his wooden fan. This sign, the sign of the bout’s end, caused the audience to erupt in a cheer that seemed to shake the whole arena.
Lights flashed as hundreds and hundreds of cameras started taking pictures of the result, and thousands of hooves struck the ground rhythmically to applaud the fighters. Both Short Fuse and Fool’s Gold joined in the roaring applause before embracing each other in a bear-hug. Fuse laughed in relief and squeezed with all her strength, while her boss made gurgling sounds as his spine started to creak dangerously.
This was the explosive end of a match between the current champion “Hawk Beak” and the prodigal challenger Starbow North. It was a fight that would be talked about everywhere in the months to come, one that would forever remain in the memories of those who had witnessed it. Even those who had not seen it would hear about it, and tell the tale of the showdown between the two giants.
Yes, Equestria would never forget how the acclaimed sumo wrestling champion, Hawk Beak, was disqualified in his championship match for brazenly punching his opponent straight in the head, giving him a third-degree concussion.
“Eh?” Fool’s Gold uttered, his eyes snapping wide-open in the midst of his celebration.
Yeah, tough luck, Mr. Protagonist. It seems that you shouldn’t have watched so much Joe.
****
Ten minutes after the start of the chaotic celebration in the Daigongen Arena, a group consisting of two ponies, a gryphon and a monkey could be seen sneaking out of the building. The freelance team Gold Standard had made the unanimous decision that it was the time to hightail it out of the wrestling arena before a certain rotund sumo trainer could catch them. After they had gotten a good distance away from the building itself, the group broke into a run, their golden-maned leader in the forefront.
“Screw it! I’m not going stay there and waste my life!” Fool’s Gold shouted. “I’m going to get as far away as I can!”
“But Boss! What ‘bout the mafia? If Kingdom rats ‘a us ta them, we’re dead meat!” Fuse asked. To the mare’s surprise, Ambra scoffed.
“Let them try. We can move away,” the gryphon stated.
“That doesn’t mean we have to agitate them, birdbrain!” Gold retorted.
As the quartet crossed the street that would have taken them out of the vicinity of the Daigongen Arena, they suddenly heard a booming voice that came behind them.
“Halt!” The voice ordered. “We wouldst have a word with thee, before thou leaveth.”
To the group’s surprise, the one standing not far away from them was none other than the Princess of the Night. She was still wearing the remnants of the garbage bag, through which Ambra had ripped as the situation had dawned upon her. However, contrary to the fearful expectations of the freelancers, there was a smile on the face of the alicorn; something they had not expected to see.
“’Tis a shame that We were not able to see the bout, for it seemeth to have been cancelled,” Princess Luna spoke. “However, thou alloweth Us to experience a thrilling match for the ownership of the greatest seat in the Daigongen Arena, and thus, We would like to thank thee.”
You’re still obvious to what’s going on!? Fuse and Gold shouted in their minds. That’s 1,000 years in the moon for you!
“But more than that, We wouldst like to thank thee for another reason,” Princess Luna said. “And that is the simple act of allowing Us to experience something fun. We were only expecting to be able to experience the thrill of a match watched from afar, but thanks to thee, We were able to partake in one Ourselves. T’was twice what I expected. Therefore, thou couldst say that thanks to thee, the fun truly was d—“
“No!” Fuse, Ambra and Gold shouted in unison, drowning in the last word of the Princess.
The alicorn stared at the quartet in confusion.
“Sorry, Princess, but despite who we are, we still have some dignity,” Fool’s Gold said. “Never say that line. Ever.”
“We… We see. Then we shall refrain from doing so,” Princess Luna answered, confusion clear in her eyes.
“But, ya know, Princess… ya don’t hafta thank us,” Fuse said. “I mean, this is normal ta us. These things just tend ta happen. So, if ya thank us for draggin’ ya inta our troubles, you’ll make it awkward ta us.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Ambra chimed in. “Just enjoy it. That’s what we do.”
The Princess of the Moon stared at the group for a moment with wide eyes, before breaking into a small chuckle. It was such a genuine sound of amusement that it took the whole group by surprised. Before long, they joined in the laugh too, tension disappearing into the wind like it never had been there.
“Then We shall do just that,” the alicorn said. “There is still much We need to learn of the life of the common ponies, but We think that if We followed thy advice, We shall find it no trouble at all.”
“Oh, it will be troubling, if you want to mingle with us common folk, Princess,” Fool’s Gold said while lighting a cigarette. “But don’t get me wrong, that trouble is part of the whole fun. No, you could say that it is what makes up what we consider ‘normal.’ So just go with the flow and do what comes to mind.”
Gold was about to say more, but at that moment they all heard angry shouting coming from the direction of the Daigongen Arena. The stallion quickly took the cigarette to his lips, and signaled to the others it was time to go.
“Sorry, Princess, but the thing that now comes to my mind is that we need to get going. Fast,” Gold hurried to say. “See you around, Your Majesty!”
A set hasty goodbyes later the group resumed their run, galloping fast in the direction of the other end of Yoshiwara Street. On the first chance they got, they dove into a side-alley, intending to lose their pursuers in the crowded evening-streets of the Shangri-La District. But even though the group had disappeared, the Princess of the Night kept staring after them, as if she could have still seen them. The small smile on her face had not disappeared; in fact, it had widened.
“Such a life truly sounds pleasant, my little ponies,” the alicorn quietly said. “We shall have to try Our best in that regard.”
Then, as if it had been an afterthought, a small frown passed over Princess Luna’s face.
“But We must be honest. That one with the golden mane… I have seen his face somewhere before,” she mumbled.
And so, it is with these thoughts and these words that we end this chapter of the story.
****
All that Glitters is Gold
Chapter 6: End.
Once again, Minuette and Twinkleshine were sitting in the otherwise empty theater, gazing at the now dark silver-screen. Both were munching on popcorn, but while Twinkleshine had still half of hers left, Minuette was nearly out. Thus, while her friend’s attention was elsewhere, the blue mare snatched a hoof-full of popcorn and stuffed them in her mouth.
“Hey!” Twinkleshine said. “Hooves off! These are mine!”
“Ease up, no harm done,” Minuette answered and sighed. “You don’t have to get so uppity.”
“But stealing is a serious crime!” Twinkleshine complained.
“If there’s one thing I thought this chapter would have taught you, it would have been the contrary,” Minuette said, frowning slightly. Her friend arched an eyebrow in confusion.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, think about it. If stealing was truly a crime, this story would be lots of trouble because of ‘royal’ties,” she answered.
The two mares bumped their hooves together and burst into bellowing laughter which echoed in the empty movie theater.
“Do-ho-ho-ho-hoh!”
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Smrgh bwahaha
2884332
Good to know you're enjoying it. I hope that I'll manage to keep it interesting in the future, too
Haha, this fic is like a western reading of an anime, and I love it :D
3860357
While Fool's Gold himself prefers women (his preferred type is "loose women" since he is, well... a scoundrel by nature), he is also the type to hit on anything pretty enough... at least when he has had enough to drink. Of course, his only true love is money, or so he claims.