All that Glitters is Gold

by Bucephalus

Chapter 5: Use your monkey wrench for monkey business only!

All that Glitters is Gold
Chapter 5
Use your monkey wrench for monkey business only!

An unusually relaxed silence reigned in the office of Gold Standard as Maccha entered it. It was midday, and since the hostess club hadn't opened yet, she found herself with a surprising amount of free time. Therefore, she had decided to help her friends by cleaning their office.

The reason was also because Empress had told her the whole office stunk like a combination of skunk and roadkill. This narrator, though, would say it was closer to the unwashed sweater of Mr. Rogers.

“Excuse me, Mr. Gold? Short Fuse? Ambra?” Maccha softly called out as she opened the sliding door. “Are you in?”

The only response she got was silence. The Neighponese style office bathed in the soft light from outside, but since it was lacking in furniture, the light simply emphasized how bare it was. With only Fool’s Gold’s desk and chair and the few sofas, it wasn’t much to look at.

Maccha didn’t blame the owners, though. They barely had the money to pay their rent.

“Well, I guess I’ll start by myself, then.” Maccha giggled to herself as she put down the mop and the bucket of water she had been carrying.

To her surprise, the loud clonk of the metal bucket was met with an annoyed groan that came from a sofa facing the door. Curiously, she trotted over and peeked over the sofa’s edge.

There, sprawled on the sofa and drooling on the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue he had been reading, was Fool’s Gold, who was fast asleep with a stupid smile on his face.

In other words, being a disgrace to protagonists everywhere.

“Haha, such a helpless stallion,” Maccha said and smiled gently. “He’s like a foal who fell asleep on a warm Sunday afternoon.”

Erm, Maccha? Foals wouldn’t usually be openly reading such magazines. Their mothers would probably dropkick them through the window if they did. This narrator was dropkicked, at least.

“Well, I’ll let him sleep,” Maccha said and took the magazine, carefully wiping the drool off of it. “I guess I should take out the trash first, to not wake him up.”

Having said that, Maccha unceremoniously threw the magazine into the trashcan lying nearby.

Noooo! The Swimsuit Issue!

“Throw that into the combustible trash and your ass will follow after it, Maccha,” Fool’s Gold suddenly spoke out. “Spitfire’s in that number, so I suggest you don’t try to get rid of it. Your mane will be fierier than hers or my loins after Empress’ precision-kick when I tried to hit on her.”

“Ahahaha,” Maccha let out a deflated laugh. “So getting in the way of your questionable fun is the only way to get your attention? I am sadly unsurprised, but I thought you were a Rarity fan?”

“Of course! Rarity is the best pony!” Gold grunted. “But a stallion can have many favorites. Like a favorite model, a favorite sportsmare, a favorite hostess, a favorite news-anchor—“

“In other words: a harem? Wow, how despicable, Mr. Gold,” Maccha commented without even looking at the stallion. “We’ll lose the last of our readers if you go that route.”

“Sorry, I was being stupid,” Fool’s Gold hurried to say.

Maccha tried to maintain her deadpan expression, but couldn't help but giggle at the strange exchange between them. She walked over to the bucket and took the mop between her teeth before sticking it in the water. Humming to herself, she began cleaning, her joyful presence filling the bare and somewhat cold office with some much needed warmth.

So a few minutes passed in silence, with only the shining sun outside and the lilting sound of Maccha’s song breaking it.

“So, where are Ambra and Fuse?” Maccha finally asked. “I thought they lived here at the office.”

“Those two? Oh, they’re on an errand,” Gold answered, having closed his eyes. “I promised myself I’d take a nap today, so I had them do the shopping for today. It’s not like we have any jobs, anyways.”

“Shopping? For what?” Maccha tilted her head.

“You know, for the usual. Food, beer, toilet paper, oh and the newest issue of the official comic,” Fool’s Gold answered. “I didn’t have the time to pick it up myself. I heard the New Nightmare Moon arc is going to start, so I’m looking forward to it.”

“Wow, the comic?” Maccha asked. “Isn’t that hard to find? Are you sure they’ll be able to find it?”

Fool’s Gold chuckled.

“Oh come on, what could go wrong?”

****

“We’re so screwed.”

Short Fuse stared at the shelf they had been searching for in horror. She and Ambra were currently on the other end of the Yoshiwara Street, in an Almond Comic Distributors store. As they had been looking for the newest issue of Fool’s Gold’s favorite comic, it had seemed like the logical place to go. However, a problem had arisen when they had finally found the place. It seemed to be out of that particular comic.

“Yeah, sorry ‘bout that,” the mare behind the counter said. “The official IDW comics are all out. I’d suggest that you’d look in some other store, but I know they’re all out, too. Don’t bother trying.”

“But why!? Ain’t it pretty darn strange that the specific comic is all gone!?” Short Fuse asked. “Ya’d hafta find a pretty obsessed fan ta buy them all!”

“No can do,” Ambra said and sighed. “Alternative. Let’s get him something else. From this shelf.”

The young gryphon moved sternly towards the shady corner of the comic store. Rows and rows of comics with titles that would make de Lancie blush had been shelved there, out of the view of the normal customers. However, this was Shangri-La District and this narrator finds it kind of inane to hide that sort of comics in a place with street-names like this.

In any event, Ambra was moving towards the shady corner faster than King of Pop on an escalator only to be stopped by the hoof of Short Fuse. The mare gave her a stern glare before dragging her away from the corner.

“Don’t’cha even think ‘bout it! No matter how much ‘a pervert Boss is, we ain’t gettin’ him an R-18 comic!” Short Fuse said. “We’re a Teen-rated fic!”

Ambra clicked her tongue in annoyance.

“Stick-in-the-mud.”

“It ain’t ‘bout that!” Short Fuse retorted. “Plus you’re a kid! I can’t let ya near such stuff!”

With a tired sigh, Fuse let go of the gryphon and turned to look at the comic store’s owner. The mare had a mane as red as wine and a coat as green as a watermelon. She was a Neighponese immigrant named Suikawari, and just as her name implied, her Cutie Mark was a split watermelon. For some odd reason or another, she was also in business of selling comics.

This narrator thinks that her story would be much more interesting than that of the two idiots who can’t even find a comic for a stallion who is far too old to be reading them.

“Don’t go suddenly changin’ the direction ‘a the story!” Short Fuse shouted. “We ain’t even ten chapters in! Ya gotta give us anoddah chance!”

“Don’t worry, I ain’t interested in taking a leading role in a story full of degenerates like this,” Suikawari said and snorted. She took a drag from the cigarette she was holding, shaking some of the ash to the ashtray. “So just carry on with today’s chapter.”

“Whazzat!? Ya just pitied us! Ya totally pitied us! How pitiful do we hafta be if we’re bein’ pitied by a side-character!? Want me ta split your head like a melon!?”

Short Fuse was ready to blow her fuse, which would leave her with just Short. ‘Short’ is truly pitiful name for a character who is supposed to be strong, so let’s not antagonize her any further.

“I’ll kill ya! I’ll kill ya, ya &%£@$§% Narrator!”

And so, four chapters since the first time, Short Fuse completely lost it.

“Well, the gist of the story is that the comic can’t be found anywhere in Canterlot,” Suikawari said and sighed. “I talked to some of my colleagues earlier and it seems even Canterlot Library is out.“

As the blue mare raged around the shop, destroying everything in sight with her bare hooves, Ambra and Suikawari had started discussing the sudden lack of the comics. The wrinkles on the store owner’s face showed that even she was worried about the situation.

“Why?” Ambra asked and tilted her head. “Holo-foil cover?”

“That would have just dropped the sales,” Suikawari grunted. “No, it seems that somepony is going around stealing every single issue that has been delivered. Who knows about the reason? Even though I hid a few boxes, they were gone when I woke up in the morning.”

“Strange,” Ambra said. “A thief? Usually it’s just underwear. Why comics?”

“Oi. Underwear thief is not a common thing. Especially amongst ponies,” Suikawari retorted and took a drag from her cigarette. “Get your head checked, you birdbrain.”

“Don’t call me birdbrain,” Ambra answered. “Want me to split your head open? Like a watermelon?”

“That joke is getting old,” Suikawari said and frowned. “Make a reference to popular culture next.”

“Ugh…” Short Fuse had finally calmed down and now looked worse than Fool’s Gold during a hangover. “S-so, what? We hafta find ‘em blokes who stole all the comics? Ya got any leads?”

As a result of the delinquent mare’s rampage, most of the comic store was now in ruins. The shelves had been flipped over and there were huge grooves in the walls here and there. In short, it was not unlike if a small, non-talkative dinosaur with an alternative costume that’s a turtle shell had been let loose in the shop. In fact, the comics featuring said small dinosaur had been ripped to shred, as if to deprive the reader any better literature than this story.

Suikawari took a drag from her cigarette before stumping it in the ashtray. She leaned on her front hoof, giving the two a tired expression.

“You really want to find that comic for Gold? By Celestia, you’re just as idiotic as he is, huh?” Suikawari said. “He’s a big colt already. He should give up on comics. What I don’t get is why he even bothers with such trash. With his education, Gold should be reading the high-level stuff they have at the royal library. You know, the stuff that requires you to be level 80.”

“Huh?” Short Fuse and Ambra asked in perfect synch, tilting their heads.

“Never mind.” Suikawari sighed. “Anyways, clues? Well, there’s one, I guess, though I don’t know about it…”

“Just hurry up ‘n say it,” Short Fuse groaned.

“Lean closer, then,” the store owner said. “It’s not something that outsiders should see.”

The two did as told and curiously leaned closer to the mare.

“A bit closer.” Suikawari motioned them forward.

Ambra and Fuse stretched their necks over the counter.

“Just a teensy bit closer,” Suikawari said.

Now the two were already feeling a bit sick, having stretched so far they started looking like nightmarish versions of Stretch Armstrong.

“Good. This is the clue.” Suikawari nodded.

The store owner then proceeded to stick a big piece of dung straight into the faces of the two. The reaction was as could be expected.

In a span of few seconds, many things happened: First, Short Fuse retreated to the opposite wall in what seemed like a sped-up moonwalk. Second, Ambra fell to the ground on the spot, her eyes completely white. Third, because of the sudden reaction and flailing legs of Short Fuse, the turd flew in a beautiful arc out the door, landing straight on the head of a stallion passing by.

And yes, this narrator can confirm that said stallion was a certain wisecolt known as Joey.

“Whazzat!? Ya got some sick sense ‘a humor, ya idiot!” Short Fuse shouted, holding her muzzle. “Where did ya even keep that turd!? Under the table? It was under the table, right!?”

Meanwhile, a small amount of froth was seeping from Ambra’s half-open beak. Though she seemed all but dead, her thoughts were racing at alarming speed.

At the hoof of mare.
The dung leaps into my face.
A deep deep disgust.
— Ambra

“Why did ya hafta use a haiku!? Ya are makin’ less ‘n less sense every chapter!” Short Fuse shouted, glaring at the gryphon on the floor.

“Well, that’s about it,” Suikawari sighed and watched the wisps of smoke that lingered above the ashtray.

“Don’t ya ‘that’s ‘bout it’ me! Ya didn’t explain squat!” Fuse retorted, turning her attention to the mare. “Ya hafta give us some context! Why is a turd the only clue we have!?”

“Beats me. For some reason they’ve been found all over Yoshiwara Street recently, mostly in comic stores. These stores are the same exact stores that were carrying a copy of the newest issue, so the cases could be connected,” Suikawari answered. “But what connects dung to a comic is beyond me. Well, except the quality, of course.”

“Stop with that sort ‘a talk. Andy will be out ta get our heads if he hear that,” Fuse pleaded. “Not ta mention this whole store is anoddah can ‘a C&D ready ta explode.”

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” Suikawari said. “As long as we’re fanfic, we’ll be fine.”

“No we won't!” Fuse retorted.

Despite Short Fuse’s attempts at digging up any other clues they could use in their hunt for the missing comic, the duo came up empty-hooved. Suikawari seemed to have talked enough for the day, and was more inclined to read the latest issue of the comic adaption of Daring Do’s adventures than to talk with Fuse. Thus, with heavy hearts, both Fuse and Ambra exited the comic store into the streets of Shangri-La.

Well, at least Fuse was heavy-hearted. In Ambra’s case it was her usual heavy sleep deprivation.

As was often the case in the middle of the week, there wasn’t much going on on Yoshiwara Street. Other than the few occasional locals, courtesans heading to work or members of the yakuza walking around hunting for easy prey, there weren’t many ponies out on the streets. It didn’t help that the spring sun was shining down with such magnitude that it made one wonder if somepony had recorded over Princess Celestia’s old VHS of the third season of Power Rangers.

… Crap. Now this narrator wants to watch Power Rangers instead of narrating this story.

“Focus. Or we’ll replace you. With Kyle Hebert,” Ambra said and gave the sky a meaningful look.

N-next time, on All that Glitters is Gold!

“But by Celestia… ain’t there anything we could do?” Short Fuse said. “If we show up without that comic, we’ll hafta find anoddah job as a side-note of some tumblr.”

The thought made both Short Fuse and Ambra shudder and they hurried down the street. Their legs moved faster, while their eyes darted around with absolutely ludicrous speed, going over every nook and cranny of Yoshiwara Street they came across. Whether it was a dumpster filled with garbage or a dumpster filled with an old drunkard, the searching eyes of the duo did not leave anything unanalyzed.

It was thanks to that perseverance that they both saw the form of a pony dressed in a pinstripe suit, with remnants of turd dangling from his fedora, shouting at the rooftops.

“Oi, ya bastard! Give it back! That was the precious copy I was delivering to Capofamiglia! Don’t ya dare to steal that comic!” The wisecolt kept yelling, waving his hoof towards the sky.

Needless to say, this colt was none other than One Ear – better known as Joey.

“… What’s that colt doin’?” Fuse tilted her head. Her confusion was understandable. After all, the way Joey was acting made him seem more awkward than a certain alicorn princess in a dance-off.

“Ya damn thief! I already had a piece of turd dumped on my head! Why did ya have to add to that with another one!? Is there some sort of quota when it comes to turds on this street!? ‘You must be this covered in dung to enter Yoshiwara Street.’ Is that it? Is that it!?” Joey continued his tirade. “I didn’t even want to come here! I just needed the comic!”

That was the magic word. When they heard that last sentence, both Short Fuse and Ambra turned their eyes towards his direction in a way similar to how sharks turn their attention to bikini-clad mares in movies. Their eyes flashed red, and in perfect unison they began galloping towards One Ear, raising a huge cloud of dust in their wake.

When he heard the noise, One Ear looked back with a relieved expression.

“Ya came to help me? It was about damn time! We need to get that comic back from that thieving—“

Joey was unable to say anything else - that tends to happen when four hooves, two claws and two paws slam right into one’s face. Using the stallion’s muzzle as a spring board, the duo launched themselves high into the air, straight to the rooftops.

“Stop that thief. Stop that thief. Stop that thief…” Ambra kept mumbling under her breath.

“What’re we!? Shortedly and Birdley in Their Not-So-Flying Machines!?” Fuse asked, grunting as her hooves hit the tiles of the roof.

When the two gazed around the rooftops of Yoshiwara Street, they found themselves face-to-face with a world they had never seen before. The endless thatched rooftops covered in dark green tiles, larger pagoda-style buildings rising from the sea of smaller houses like lighthouses, and large neon signs devoid of any color… when it was all put under the golden shine of the sun and the wide expanse of the sky, the extending vastness before the two felt both alien and somewhat nostalgic.

However, neither of the idiots cared for such sensations. They were too busy staring at the escaping form of the thief in the distance.

“There! After ‘em, Ambra!” Short Fuse shouted.

Eight legs hit the roof tiles and both the mare and the gryphon dashed after the shadowy figure of the thief.

Rooftops zoomed past the two as they chased the thief, jumping from one roof to next. Fuse was grinding her teeth together and her eyes were fixed on the escaping figure, while Ambra looked like she had just accidentally gotten on a treadmill. The gryphon’s eyes were half-closed, and she mechanically kept putting one leg before other, mimicking Fuse’s movements in a half-assed way.

“What’s with ya!? Look alive! Ya can’t expect ta catch the thief lookin’ like expired milk!” Fuse shouted at Ambra.

“This. Just logic,” Ambra answered. “No reward, so no enthusiasm.”

Fuse groaned at the gryphon’s attitude. If Ambra had just bothered to use her wings, she could have circled above the thief and forced him into a trap. As the two ran forward, the mare wracked her brain, trying to come up with a way to ignite the fires of passion in the gryphon’s heart. It took her a minute or two, but eventually she came up with an idea.

Someone with as lazy an attitude as Ambra could only be enthusiastic about one thing.

“Think ‘bout it, birdbrain!” Fuse shouted as they jumped from one rooftop to another. “If we help Boss, he’ll be glad! An’ if he’s glad, he’ll buy ya more empty VHS cassettes! Which means ya can record those episodes ‘a Thundercats ya miss!”

What followed those words was nothing short of a small explosion. A small part of the roof was destroyed as two wings beat the air with enormous force, creating a gale that nearly threw Fuse off the roof. The blue mare watched in horror as a gryphon-shaped missile shot forward with incredible speed, drawing a line of destruction across the rooftops because of her low-altitude flight.

In other words, Ambra had become a supersonic jet for a ridiculously stupid reason.

“Thundercats, hoooooo!”

The shout of the gryphon echoed across the rooftops of Yoshiwara Street as Ambra collided with the thief. So great was her speed that she swept the thief off the roof with a single punch. The two collided into a nearby building, crashing through one wall and exiting through the opposite one, making the top of the building come crashing down. While they were suspended in the air, Ambra caught hold of one of the thief’s legs, pulled back a claw, and delivered a guillotine-like strike straight into his stomach that sent the thief barreling down to the street.

“Hoooooo!” Ambra shouted, victoriously.

“’Hoooooo!’, my ass! Don’t shout like a hero while causin’ huge amounts ‘a collateral damage!” Fuse roared, following the two down to street-level.

When Fuse finally got to the site of the catastrophe it was already too late. Ambra was sitting on the side of the street, picking her nose and looking like the energy she had previously exhibited had disappeared as fast as the popularity of a boyband. Her victim, meanwhile, was laid on the ground in a sizeable crater, twitching helplessly. As the clouds of dust and rubble started to settle down, Fuse was relieved to find that the commotion had caused the ponies on the street to run away, rather than gather to look.

“This is…” Fuse muttered, her eyes widening at the sight of the thief.

The moment Short Fuse saw what the thief truly was, she thanked all the gods she could think of for the fact that nopony else was there to see the scene.

In the crater lay a monkey; more specifically, a golden snub-nosed monkey. It was a creature little over half a meter tall with blazing, golden fur. While the hair around its head was short and coarse, the lower one looked the longer the fur was. It had stubby fingers, a Mohawk-like crest of hair on top of its head, and a blue face that was in direct contrast to the color of its fur. Two button-like eyes were swirling in its head as the animal tried to recover from the surprise attack.

“A monkey!? It’s a monkey!?” Fuse shouted, pointing at the creature. “Ya didn’t hafta make the title ‘a the chapter so literal! That’s just pathetic!”

Hey, don’t blame me. I am simply narrating this idiotic stuff.

“The clue was a turd. It was this monkey’s,” Ambra said and sighed. “Elementary, dear Watson. Even monkeys fall from trees… after all.”

“Don’t try ta make it sound like ya got it figured out.” Fuse threw a glare at the gryphon. “I’ll punch ya.”

As the two quarreled, the monkey started to wake up from its short coma. It was still clutching the comic it had stolen, like it was its most precious treasure. When the monkey saw that the two who had attacked it were preoccupied with arguing, it slowly started crawling out of the crater. In the manner of a certain one-eyed espionage agent, it made its way towards the freedom that was so close by. In its eyes, it saw the chance of escape slowly growing like the Gates of Heaven opening before it. A grin slowly spread to the monkey’s face and it hastened its pace, crawling towards the back-alley where it could hide.

However, the Gates of Heaven soon became those of Hell, as a claw and a hoof struck it down and held the small monkey in place with crushing force.

“Where do ya think you’re goin’?” Fuse asked, glaring at the monkey like an Austrian cyborg from the future. “Ya hafta be pretty stupid if ya think we’ll let ya go now.”

“Stupid as California,” Ambra added with a similar expression.

The monkey screamed like a little girl at the sight of the two Terminators.

“Hmh? Isn’t that Mr. Monkey?”

A sudden, small voice caught the attention of both the duo and the monkey. It came from one of the side-streets. There, a group of small foals were looking at the scene with confusion in their eyes. However, when they realized that the monkey was really there, they broke into beaming smiles and ran up to the primate.

“Mr. Monkey! You’re here again, yay! Did you bring us new comics?” a green filly asked with pleading eyes.

“I’m sorry, we tried to get you some bananas, Mr. Monkey, but the store owner caught us,” a slightly older-looking colt said with apologetic smile. “We got away but lost the bananas.”

“Yay! Yay! Mr. Monkey!” A group of very young fillies kept squealing as they surrounded the monkey, frolicking around it in an odd way.

“W-whats goin’ on?” Fuse asked, looking around in confusion. They were now completely surrounded by dirty foals in ragged clothes. It was like a gathering of the local street orphans.

“Hmh? Oh, are you two friends of Mr. Monkey, too?” the colt asked. “Mr. Monkey is our hero. He always brings us enough comics for everypony. We wouldn’t be able to afford them on our own, but Mr. Monkey always makes sure none of us is without one, and distributes them to all the orphans in Canterlot.”

Both Short Fuse and Ambra looked at the monkey with shock in their eyes. The primate chuckled a bit, wiggled its eyebrows and let out an “Ook!” that sounded somewhat victorious. Seeing that smile, the two released the monkey and stepped back, allowing the creature to rise up. It got on all-fours, dusted off the comic book, before handing it over to one of the fillies close to it. The filly’s eyes were sparkling as she took the comic, and all of the foals surrounded her in excitement.

“So, ya mean… the monkey was stealin’ the comics ‘cuz these orphans couldn’t afford ones on their own?” Fuse asked, looking like she could barely believe her own words. “Not for itself, but for the orphans…”

The previously steely eyes of the mare softened considerably as she watched the unfolding scene. The small foals in their tattered clothing gathered in one big ring. Some of them had already dug up their own copies of the magazines. Some had pages missing, other were wet and soggy, but still the foals squeezed them tightly, as if they never wanted to let go. The new one given to the small filly was the center of attention, however. After all, none of the pages were missing or unreadable.

Short Fuse chuckled at the excitement of the foals before looking at the monkey.

“So, ya were like a Robin Hoof, huh? Who’d have thunk?” She said and chuckled. “Still, I can kinda see why a lone monkey woulda risked its freedom for a sight like this.”

“Ook!” The monkey answered, flashing a toothy grin to the mare.

Short Fuse turned to look at Ambra next. The young gryphon was staring at the group of kids with a strange, unreadable expression. They were not far from her age, and Short Fuse knew that seeing such a tight group of friends must’ve made Ambra think. After all, she had not made a single friend of her own age during her time in Shangri-La. Ambra glanced at the golden monkey beside her, before looking back at the group of foals.

“You wanted to… make them happy? Make them glad? Strange.” Ambra tilted her head. “Comics. Are they… so magical?”

“Ook!” The monkey exclaimed, and patted the gryphon’s shoulder. Ambra turned to look at it once more and raised her claw, as if to reach for the gentle hand of the primate.

“You…” Ambra said. “Aren’t you…”

“Ook?” Monkey tilted its head, the happy smile still plastered on its face.

At this point, many things happened at once. First, Ambra’s raised claw was clenched into a fist. Second, said fist was swung down like a hammer. Third, the face of the monkey changed from joy to utter confusion, before being promptly introduced once more to the ground. Fourth, Short Fuse’s face turned into an expression of pure shock as she watched Ambra beat up the monkey in front of all the foals.

In short, Ambra had used her ridiculous strength to attack the monkey once more for no discernible reason. Now, she towered above the pummeled primate like some sort of god of death, orange eyes blazing. It was a look that would have sent this narrator running out of the room screaming if it was ever directed against him.

“Fool!” Ambra roared with a voice louder than she had ever shown before. “Comics aren’t food! Comics aren’t warm! Comics are trash! Kids… cannot live on comics!”

Every single creature on the street was now staring at Ambra with a mask of utter horror on their faces. It felt like the small gryphon had grown to the size of an Ursa Major.

“You. You desire to help kids.” Ambra pointed at the monkey. “Make money. Lots of money. The only way.”

The eyes of the gryphon were nearly burning a hole into the head of the monkey.

“Money. Makes. World. Go. Round.” Ambra drilled this sentence into the monkey’s ears, emphasizing each and every word.

A silence descended upon the alley with all eyes staring at the gryphon who looked more like she was from a post-apocalyptic world of a year 199X than from the land of colorful equines. Even Short Fuse found the change in Ambra’s aura extremely confusing and a bit scary. The monkey’s well-meaning but pointless way of helping the orphans seemed to have flipped a rather dangerous switch in the gryphon, and now the results were bared for all to see.

“M-Miss Gryphon…” One of the fillies finally piped up. “A-are you the Supreme Ruler of the Century’s End?”

“No,” Ambra bluntly answered. “Simple. I hate idiots. Idiots avoid proper jobs. They don’t get it. The value of a job.”

So that’s what this is ‘bout. Short Fuse sighed. It’s ‘cuz she’s been fired from so many jobs, she knows their worth. She doesn’t wanna see foals grow up thinkin’ thievery is okay.

“Think. Shoplifting isn’t good. It’s not for kids,” Ambra told the monkey. “You want to help orphans? Show them your spine. Show them your guts. Get a job. Be proud. Stand tall. Lead them out of poverty. With your own hooves.”

I-It’s just like Boss! Fuse thought with a shocked face. It’s like a miniature version of Boss!

“It may be hard. It may be painful. But stand up from the dirt. Show them your strength,” Ambra continued. “So they’ll follow your example.”

Once the gryphon had finished her speech, the confused silence was replaced by one of reverence and awe, radiating from both the monkey and the foals. The primate lying on the ground was staring up at Ambra with eyes that especially screamed of adoration and respect. It was like watching a simple peasant meeting his queen for the first time. If the monkey would have been able to speak, it was clear what he would have called Ambra right then and there.

Gōng zhǔ – Princess.

“I guess Boss’s influence is startin’ ta rub on her,” Fuse said and chuckled. “But I still wonder ‘bout one thing…”

And that would be?

“Why would the monkey speak Chinese?” Fuse wondered.

… Good question.

****

As the door of Gold Standard opened, Fool’s Gold raised his head from the couch. He was still reading his magazine, probably for the fourth time. Meanwhile, Maccha had finished cleaning the office and was nowhere to be seen. Only the sparkling floors and the absence of dust on the tables acted as a testimony that she had ever been there.

“Hmh? What took you guys so long?” Fool’s Gold asked. Then, after doing a double-take, continued. “...and what is that golden, hairy thing behind you?”

“This?” Ambra asked, looking at the monkey walking beside her. “A new member. For our team. Wants a proper job.”

“There ya have it, Boss.” Short Fuse nodded and grinned. “We would’a come sooner, but we got involved in somethin’ strange. An’ we found a new member for Gold Standard in the process.”

Fool’s Gold gave a long and confused stare at the monkey, who returned it with similar one. It was almost as if two beings on the same mental level had met for the first time. Finally, Gold sighed and turned his eyes back to Ambra.

“Does that thing even have a name?” Gold asked.

“Of course,” Ambra nodded. “Hideyoshi.”

“Don’t try ta be cheeky!” Short Fuse retorted.

“Then Tyler,” Ambra tried again.

“Now you’re just bein’ mean!”

“Rastapopoulos.”

“Wrong type ‘a monkey!” Fuse said.

The argument between the two was cut short by groan from Fool’s Gold. He leaned back on the sofa and grunted as he settled on the pillows.

“Just forget it. I don’t even care about its name anymore. It’s just one primate. One monkey in Equestria can’t cause too much trouble,” Gold said. “So, sure, whatever, he can stay. More importantly: did you bring my comic? I’ve been dying of anticipation here.”

Hearing the words of their employer, Ambra put her claw into their shopping bag surprisingly quickly and fished out a familiar comic. It was the much-sought new issue of the comic book. Showing a rare hint of a smile, the gryphon tossed the magazine over to Fool’s Gold, who caught it easily from the air.

As the stallion opened the comic book and started reading, the trio in the doorway entered inside. Ambra wanted to introduce the monkey to the office already and Fuse knew they had to get the bargain bin ice cream into the fridge quickly. It might have still been spring, but it was already quite warm outside.

Because of their hurry, neither Fuse nor Ambra expected the sudden question posed by Fool’s Gold.

“Hey, you two. Why does this comic book smell like monkey’s dung?”

Like in a film that was being rewound, Ambra, Short Fuse, and the monkey retraced their steps hastily. In just few seconds they were at the doorway, through it, and out in the streets. Before Gold could even react, the door of the office was slammed shut, and the trio dashed down the street to escape the fallout of what had just happened.

Behind them, a yell echoed from the office.

“What the hell!? This thing is completely smeared in monkey sh—“

And so, it is with these thoughts and these words that we end this chapter of the story.

****
All that Glitters is Gold
Chapter 5: End.

Once again, Minuette and Twinkleshine were sitting in the otherwise empty theater, gazing at the now dark silver-screen. Both of them were staring at the screen with somewhat bored expressions, until Minuette snickered and nudged Twinkleshine with her hoof.

“Why are you laughing?” Twinkleshine asked with a frown. “It was bad like always!”

“What do you mean?” Minuette asked and grinned. “Today’s show was just as it should have been.”

“What do you mean?” Twinkleshine tilted her head.

“Finally they had a proper reason to go completely bananas!” Minuette answered.

The two mares bumped their hooves together and burst into bellowing laughter which echoed in the empty movie theater.

“Do-ho-ho-ho-hoh!”

Comments

[hwrogers]

another good chapter, want me to send you a message in the normal fashion?

[Bucephalus]

2453627
Ah, gah, I had completely forgotten to send this to you before I posted it! And yeah, go ahead, that would be helpful.

[hwrogers]

2455107

it will be a little later today, will have to get around to it.

[Kencolt]

An interesting fic. I only found it because of a picture on EQD, which drew my eye.

Because there was a pony with a tetsubo. Wearing a kimono in the classic Bad Ass style.

You put up a picture like that, I'm going to have to read it.

[Bucephalus]

2606016
The awesome pic you mean was drawn by equally awesome JackJacko-Eponymous. Hopefully you'll enjoy the story as much as the picture.

[Bucephalus]

2610345
I actually edited that bit after he mentioned it, along with many other typos and such.
But I'm glad to hear you like it. Guess this means I have to finish up the next chapter soon.

[Bucephalus]

2615542
There is no specific era, but since Yoshiwara Street is modeled after Japan, they come from there. Just like with lot of modern eastern terms, they are adapted from English, yet have their own distinct meaning.

And regarding Fuse's accent... well, I did not mean for her to start dropping it gradually. It is, however, harder to write than I initially expected...

[Themaskedferret]

Another goofy and strangely perfect chapter XD

[Bemmo]

Like many of the stories I had put on my read-later list, this quirky fic has not disappointed :D
Hope it stays awesome in the future