Freezing Rainbows- Chapter One- Decent to Ponyville
As I fly through the high cirrus clouds, I cannot help but notice how the ice crystals cling to my coat. It is like super fine snow, so pristine that it floats on air. They are too wispy to even stand on properly, so I am used to hovering for hours at a time, but today was different. I am moving to Ponyville, for Cloudsdale is just too competitive in the field of jobs. In an earth pony city, however, the pegasus jobs should be more available. My wings and coat are turning steadily whiter with ice crystals as I spot the bustling borough. Time to land.
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“Who are you and why are you on my house?” said a purple unicorn with a pink streak in her hair.
“I am Ice Bolt, and why do YOU live in a tree?” I wittily responded.
“This tree is hollow, my library is inside and you were outside my bedroom window mister Bolt! By the way, my name is Twilight Sparkle.”
“Nice to meet you Miss Sparkle, is there a hotel nearby?”
“Please just call me Twilight, and there is no formal hotel, but Rarity is renting a room at her boutique.”
“Please, lead the way.” I said.
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We were passing through town and I saw alarge house made of candy called Sugarcube Corner. Whatever it sold I sure as hay wanted it. Badly.
“Hey Twilight?”
“Yes Ice?”
“Let’s go there.”
As I walk through the door, I couldn’t help but notice a brief rainbow flash exiting beside me. I don’t quite know why, but I wanted to follow. Resisting the urge with the help of some wicked bad hunger, I walked up to the poofy pink cashier.
“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” the pink mare, well... gasped and ran full speed out the back door.
“Well what the bucking hay kind of service is that?” I exclaimed.
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Oh dear Celestia that was one good cupcake. So were the other nine. As I approached the Carousel Boutique, I could have sworn that I had seen a rainbow blur. It was somehow familiar.
“Hello there! Care to buy a suit, mister...” asked who I presume is Rarity.
“Bolt, Ice Bolt. I heard you are renting a spare room out?” I questioned,
“Why, yes! Only 100 bits a night!”
After suffering from a near heart attack I shakily replied,
”That won’t be necessary.”
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“So Twilight, any other options?”
“Well there’s Fluttershy, Applejack, and I wouldn’t consider Pinkie Pie or Rainbow Dash.”
“Wait a minute, did you say Rainbow Dash?”
“Yes I did, do you know her?” Twilight said quizzically.
“She won the Best Young Fliers competition!”
“You sound stressed Ice, what’s the problem?”
“I placed second Twilight! She beat me!”
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“Well sugarcube, Ih’m sorry, but another stallion is rentin the spare room at the barn.”
“I understand, I guess I’ll have to ask Fluttershy. See ya Applejack!” I replied. As I walked away from the barn, I was suddenly jumped by three extremely hyperactive fillies.
“How did you get your cutie mark? Huh huh huh!” yelled the orange one.
“You girls really want to know?”
“Yeah!” said the white one loudly.
“Sure do!” said a third, yellowish one.
Well, here goes.
Yes it is a cliffhanger but I am tired as it is 11:00PM so expect Ch2 soon!
hmm sounds good so far ill check this out
Somehow your character knows the name of the Carousel Boutique and Sugarcube Corner? Also your character randomly lands on the balcony of Twilight Sparkle and instantly she is ready and willing to lead him across town? Also your character speaks on an almost familiar level with the cast. And finally the CMC part didn't really flow nice.
Putting forth an admirable try, the things noted above are point of improvement I could see.
So try to improve (or not, it's your story ).
I'll definitely keep a little extra eye on this story and see where it goes!
Keep in mind though that all my critique is personal opinion, maybe a few other readers are willing to provide their input?
144179 Thanks for your input, I know there are some holes it the plotline which I will try to mend. As for the CMC, I was tired as hell and wanted to end the chapter. Sorry about that one, and wouldn't the stores have signs? In my story I say they do. About being almost familiar with the six, thhey are quite friendly, so I roll with it. Magic of friendship, you know. This is the longest thing ive ever written, so its a bit new to me. Thanks for your feedback!
144222 You're quite welcome!
i am sorry to say this but the really popular stories are long and yours is terribly short. make it longer!
this is an interesting start so don't give up!!!! this story has potential!