I would change the description, it runs on far too much. The extensive use of commas has dissuaded me from reading this, even if Zach helped out. A better appearance will bring in a better audience. So change it to this please.
The first of several fictions all set in the same world.
While walking home from School, young Zach finds a mysterious glowing orb. He then accidentally makes a wish, teleporting him to a whole new world inhabited by equines of all descriptions. After learning of injustices in this new land Zach seeks to liberate an entire race called the Flutterkin, equines with beautiful butterfly wings from their centuries-long enslavement.
At the same time, he must figure out one more important thing: How the hell do you walk on hooves, with these bendy legs?!
Of course, I could make it much better with permission.
The first in my fiction series, each of which set in the same universe.
Whilst making a short walk home from his school, a young human named Zach stumbles upon a mysterious floating orb. He mistakes the orb for an ordinary item, and makes the mistake of touching it. This action somehow brings him into a new world, filled with equines of all colours and builds. After a small portion of time Zach discovers the cruelty and injustice of the new world, and he seeks to liberate an entire race called the Flutterkin. They are equines blessed with beautiful wings not unlike that of a butterfly.
But one thing remains... how does a guy walk on hooves, when he has these bendy legs?
This may be what you wanted? In any event, I'm glad you didn't get upset by my comment, it seems a bit brash.. so thanks and all.
1926280 A few minor problems: The orb does not, in fact, float, and it wasn't touching it that set it off.
As for seeming brash... Well, I know my forte is dramatics and world building, not summaries and synopses. Thank you for your assistance, if you could refine it further, I'd be appreciative.
1928841 I know, the first chapter is a re-formatted chat log from Skype, from before we converted it to actual text and got rid of the traces of greentext formatting.
I would change the description, it runs on far too much. The extensive use of commas has dissuaded me from reading this, even if Zach helped out. A better appearance will bring in a better audience. So change it to this please.
Of course, I could make it much better with permission.
~Edward
1924727
This sounds awesome, and if you're willing to help, I'd love to have your contribution!
1925679 Bah, I have trouble seeing the keyboard that late.
Also, are the wings made of gossamer? I am assuming so, but I want to check
1925045
Sure thing, I'll just work my magic...
This may be what you wanted? In any event, I'm glad you didn't get upset by my comment, it seems a bit brash.. so thanks and all.
~Edward
1926280
A few minor problems:
The orb does not, in fact, float, and it wasn't touching it that set it off.
As for seeming brash... Well, I know my forte is dramatics and world building, not summaries and synopses.
Thank you for your assistance, if you could refine it further, I'd be appreciative.
1925631
I want you as an editor, if you're free.
1928841
I know, the first chapter is a re-formatted chat log from Skype, from before we converted it to actual text and got rid of the traces of greentext formatting.