I am Pinkie Pie
“On your marks, get set, go!”
I face the wall.
It's blue.
It's blue and drippy.
It's blue and drippy, and there is a purple unicorn beside it.
What was her name? Twinkleshine? Yeah, that seems right. Anyways this Twinkleshine, she seems really pumped about this. Even the dragon - Spine, I think - seems really into it. He even brought popcorn. He doesn't seem to be eating much of it though.
The Pinkie Pie in front of me doesn't seem excited though. She's been all mopey today. Poking at the ground? That's almost less fun than watching paint dry. I guess she could probably do this all day. I don't think she can tell the difference.
The wall is still blue. It is slightly less drippy.
Some of the other Pinkies have stopped staring. At least not intently. They shift around restlessly, They probably don't know why we are here either.
I survey the wall. There isn’t much to see. The wet patches of paint each form pools, which travel down the wall at a painfully slow speed. They feel like tiny ripples in a great pool of blue.
I make a game of following their path. I start at the bottom right corner, follow the path around the perimeter until I have reached the center. My eyes quickly trace out the proper path.
I try it again. The path feels the same. After two more tries, there is little change. My eyes start to wander.
Twinkleshine is significantly less excited. Expressing little emotion, she lazily surveys the crowd. Her eyes seem to shift across the crowd in separate rows, and four distinct columns within each row. It seems to help her keep focus
The dragon has fallen asleep covered in uneaten popcorn.
My head begins to dip. My body is sore from the picnic. Juggling tortoises is harder than it looks. Especially when they try to fight back. After I had finished, most whom had struggled did not walk. Many tried, only to stumble.
One of them had immediately retreated into his shell. When I set him down, he didn’t come out, or move in any way. The yellow pegasus, Blustershy, approached him. She talked to him in low, soothing toons. Slowly, he came out of his shell and walked long before any of the others.
He must have had a good nap.
My eyes droop. The hard wooden floor is suddenly very inviting. Before my eyes close, they linger on the wall. There is little change. I bid the wall a good night.
“Hey look, it's a birdie!”
My eyes instantly widen, and my body springs back into attention. A beam of bright crimson magic erupts from Twinkleshine’s horn. The beam lances across my vision, and I am momentarily blinded. There are a series of otherworldly sounds, and a small pop.
The silence is deafening. I dare not blink. My eyes are completely fixated on Twinkleshine’s horn. My hooves shake and my vision is unsteady, as though affected by the slightest of ripples. I blink. My vision is still.
Twinkleshine’s mouth is set in a tight grimace. Her eyes are intense and her brows severe as she scans the room.
The wall is still blue. It’s still not very drippy. I try to trace the path in a different direction. My glance diverts abruptly as Twinkleshine shakes her head, moving a strand of violet hair from her eyes.
I scold myself silently. My eyes return to the wall
My forehooves are still sore. They are stiff now from supporting my weight. I shift about uncomfortably.
I silence my hooves, and settle my attention on the wall
The silence starts to recede. Many quiet sounds fill the hall. The twitch of nervous ears, swiveling in all directions. The slight clops as hooves are rearranged. The rhythmic breaths of the crowd.
“Watch me bounce and touch the ceiling!” I hear an excited squeal and a very loud clop before Twinkleshine sends two more beams in the direction of the disruption.
Her face is neutral, her eyes impassive. My eyes are pinned to her horn.
For a moment, it seems as though her eyes meet my own. I avert my gaze to the wall once more.
In the following minutes, she lights up the room. I try to I draw patterns in the wet paint, but the constant flashes pull my eyes away. After the flash, another outburst is always soon to follow. Each is silenced the moment it erupts with a cruel sort of efficiency. When she is done, her horn is glowing red and smoking. She is wearing a predatory grin as she surveys the three survivors.
My legs barely hold me. They are sore, yet they tremble horribly. My eyes frantically veer between the wall and Twinkleshine’s eyes, which mercilessly scan all three of us.
The wall is nearly dry.
Twinkleshine doesn’t seem to notice.
We stand there. The mopey Pinkie survived. Her breathing is steady.
I am gasping for air. I am wet with perspiration; my hooves feel clammy on the floor. I try to focus, but my eyes are constantly drawn to Twinkleshine’s horn.
With a slight grunt, I bare my teeth. Slowly, I trace the ripples of still-wet paint. They move at an agonizing pace. For a time, I forget to blink. When I do, I hesitate to reopen them.
It is dark and I am a pebble. I am falling into the wall. The surface comes alive with fresh ripples, and I fall through. A pink hoof reaches out and I take hold. It pulls me out, through the surface of the wall.
I reopen my eyes. The wall is unchanged. The tremble in my eyes is the only movement I see.
The ripples have hardened. There is nothing to look at, but I don’t stop.
My unblinking eyes carve the ripples into my mind. Again. And again. And again.
A rough voice yells something behind me. I hardly hear it. Another blast.
In the silence, I still hear mopey’s steady breath.
My breath is a whisper, almost forgotten.
The wall looms above me. My eyes trace the solid ripples. I dare not blink.
My eyes grow sluggish. They settle in the center of the wall.
The edges of my corneas are becoming dry. My eyes hurt when I move them.
My perspiration is drying. My hooves stick to the wooden tiles.
The rough voice returns. “Uh, there's fun outside, just, look. Ya know, outside; away from the wall.”
Mopey’s steady breaths are the only response.
“C’mon, look in another direction. We can't do this all day.”
Twinkleshine sighs, “Rainbow, I don't think that’s going to work.”
“Well we can’t just leave them here all night!”
A pause. Twinkleshine’s voice returns, “Applejack, I need you to watch over the Pinkies after sunrise.”
“Uh, sure Twi.”
“I will keep guard till then. If anything happens while I am asleep be sure to tell me right away.”
“Ah promise I won’t let you down. Good luck.”
The hoofbeats fade quickly.
My eyes don’t move. They can’t.
I don’t try to move my legs. Their joints have locked.
My vision is fading. My eyes grow dry. I can only see a calm surface of endless blue.
The pool is still. It has always been still. Occasionally some small part of the cave ceiling would fall, and there would be ripples, but only for a moment.
When I was Pinkie Pie the water was never still.
I guess that too, was only a moment.
Many moments pass. I hear the rough voice again. It seems as though it is speaking from a mile away.
“Stop. This is insane.”
Twinkleshine’s taut voice returns. “Rainbow, you can’t just barge in here and dem-”
“I’m serious, you can’t keep them here all night.”
“What else would I do? Do you want there to be two Pinkies in town? We have to find the real one, and this is the test that we chose, we have to carry it through to the end.”
“But -”
There is a long silence. Twinkleshine’s speaks up first, her tone terse.
“Rainbow -”
“Don’t you see what this is doing to her! PInkie Pie shouldn’t have to be like this, and you know it.”
“There’s no other way -”
“Horseapples! Of course there is, you’re smart. I’m sure you have some trick to figure this out. Right?”
A pause. Ragged, angry breaths fill the silence.
Twinkleshine’s voice returns; silent, but firm.
“No, there isn’t. I don’t know any other way. But I know Pinkie, and I know that she would never let us down.”
The rough voice responds tonelessly.
“Even if we let her down.”
There is a slight sniffle. It is nearly inaudible in the silence.
For the longest time, there is no speaking.
My muscles no longer ache to keep me standing. I could not move if I tried.
The fibers of the wooden floor reach up through my legs. Slowly, the thick chords climb up my torso; wrapping around my neck; smothering my muzzle.
I hear a brittle voice nearby. “Sorry.” The voice grows louder, but the chords reach my ears and I stop hearing words. There are wails, but my ears are filled with timber.
The vibrations in the floor are all that I hear.
Soon there is a chorus of many vibrations followed by complete stillness.
For a time, there is nothing.
After nearly an eternity, I feel a hoof poke me in the shoulder.
I attempt to reorient myself and fall lazily to the floor in a pile of limp hooves.
I blink several times, and I see a purple blob with Twinkleshine’s voice. “Its alright, you can look away now.”
Realization returns. It hurts to speak, and the my raspy voice hurts my ears. “I passed?” I look up, my expression hopeful.
“Yes, you were the only Pinkie Pie that never looked away from the wall.” She extends a hoof to me. I grab the hoof and she pulls me from the floor. I look back towards the wall one last time. It is gone. I turn towards Twinkleshine. Silence reigns as she looks at me with trepidation.
I embrace her with all of my might.
Twinkleshine complains that I am choking her, but she returns the embrace. The fur on her cheek is damp with fresh tears.
I rest my muzzle next to her ear, and whisper. “Thank you Twinkleshine.”
Hmm....Interesting......
I LIKE IT!
1847656
I am glad you enjoyed it!
INTERESTING SALAD.
Hmmm... Nice idea.
HOW DARE YOU CLIFFHANG! :D
1850765
I did have an epilogue written initially, but it wasn't very complete, and I felt that it wasn't necessary. If there is a major demand I can revise that epilogue and hopefully provide a more satisfying ending.
Hey there! I saw this story in the Useful Feedback group, and thought I'd drop by. Merry Christmas, by the way!
Okay, so, first: the nitty-gritty. There are a number of sentences here which end without punctuation or which have other minor grammatical niggles. Comb back through the story and see if you can weed them out. It's a very easy thing you can do to improve how your story looks significantly, and shouldn't take too long in a piece of this size. There are also a few misplace words here and there; 'the my raspy' near the end is one that stood out enough for me to pick it out.
Let's see...Other than that, the piece does have a certain monotony about it, which may well have been your intent given the subject matter; it arises mainly because there isn't much variation in terms of sentence length or complexity. If you want to change it, try mixing up your sentence structures a bit. The concept is definitely a nice one, although personally I don't quite 'get' what's going on; I have a feeling it makes references to a season 3 episode I haven't seen yet or something. Although mystery is nice, most people like to know what's going on when they read, so you might try specifying the scenario a little more. So, yes, the idea is sound, but I don't think the execution is quite solid enough to carry it to a satisfactory conclusion.
However, what I will say is that, for a first story, it's quite good. It manages to have basically good grammar and no immediately obvious spelling errors, and the characterisations of Twilight and Rainbow Dash are brief, but solid when they happen. There are several parts of this story which I thought were nice, even if I wished they were developed a little better; the fact that Mopey Pinky is one of the last two ponies left is a nice touch given Pinkie's bipolar reputation, and the cliffhanger at the end was also an interesting development.
My recommendation here is practice. You've got a good grasp of the basics, which is already a step above a lot of users on-site. However, writing is one of those processes that needs to be honed through repeated attempts. Don't get discouraged, and keep at it. My other big tip would be to read, both fanfiction and published work, since that will give you many examples of style, pacing, and all sorts of things that you might learn from. Good luck, and I hope you have a lovely New Year!
1852900
Thank you very much! I had this story developed for some time, but I was having trouble getting feedback, so this is enormously helpful.
I will definitely comb back through the story to find any missing punctuation. Also, I think I can do more to convey the monotony with a more varied structure, at least in the initial portions. Even if the situation itself is very monotonous, the character should still try to approach it in a more varied fashion.
Personally, I have trouble telling how much I need to elaborate upon a scene. Familiarity with the episode is definitely a factor, but it should not be required. The trouble with description for me is that I am generally afraid of ruining the rhythm of a piece or being to forceful with interpretation. If you care to say anything else, I would love to hear if there was any parts in particular that really needed elaboration.
(ps: I loved Kaleidoscope, thank you for writing such an amazing story!)
(pps: Merry Christmas and a happy Hew Year to you as well!)
1853935
Well, as much as I'd love to try and say how to explain the scenario, that's hard to do without actually knowing what the scenario is. However, it might be possible to include some basic reference points in another character's speech. To explain it in a basic way: as the first person narrator, Pinkie controls the flow of the text in this case. However, she doesn't control the pattern or length of what other ponies say, so you can elaborate a bit more within that. I don't actually think it conflicts with your aim of conveying the monotony Pinkie is experiencing here; Twilight, Dash and co. are essentially the only parts of Pinkie's world that break that monotony, so those sections would logically be a little more lively than the surrounding parts whilst they're doping stuff that entertains her. (That's also in keeping with Pinkie's character, since she's such a social pony.) Done well, you should be able to create a contrast between the stark blandness of a Pinkie without her friends, and the more lively parts where they're around, which will drive home how untolerable the former is.
You might also choose to elaborate a bit more on the details of Pinkie's prison and her activities therein; in particular, you might try a more detailed description of the wall. If you've ever been bored in class and watched the seconds hand of a clock go 'round, you know that boredom can lead to an incredible focus on otherwise uninteresting stimuli! You might also want to try describing the wall in other senses, too. Does it make any sounds as it ripples and shimmers? Does it have a smell, an observable texture? Pinkie's a baker, with good taste buds; how does she imagine the wall would taste if she were to lick it? That kind of thing.
However, those are only suggestions. It's your story, and an important part of that is being able to take or leave advice as you will. Since you're the author and I'm not, I won't know exactly which of these suggestions will actually fit in with what you intend to get out of the story.
(Also, I'm glad you enjoyed Kaleidoscope!)
1854008
Okay, since the scenario is very dependent on the episode from which the story originates, I will do more to bring that context into the story. That should clear things up a lot more, and give far more basis to expand upon what is there. I will try to make revisions in the very near future.
Thank you for your input.
1854106
You're welcome! I hope it was useful. I'll probably try and get your story moved out of the Detailed Feedback Requested folder, if that's okay. I'm trying to start going through those, since the group as a whole has got basically nothing done for ages. Again, Merry Christmas, and I hope you do well in the New Year!
Edit: D'oh. Just realised that that's against group policy, apparently. I haven't checked in on those forums for a while, since I've sort've been a sleeping founder. Essentially, if you want more feedback from other group members (which seems a little unlikely at this juncture, since the group is fairly inactive), you're welcome to have your story moved back to Feedback Requested. I'll do all the busy work and stuff.
1854150
Your feedback was extremely useful. The story does not need to be moved back.
Thank you very much, and good luck with the other stories!
I likedt his story. That is all.
That was awesome!
Of all the concepts born from the "Too Many Pinkie Pies" episode, this was by far the most enjoyable!
WELL DONE!
- For the record, I love Twinkleshine best too! Spine is SO CUTE!
2075277
I am glad you enjoyed it!
I was really trying to look at the clones in a different way, and I am glad you found something interesting in that.
ps: Your stories have been wondrously entertaining thus far!
This is good, and the revision takes it to a whole other level, far more immersive.