Page generated in 0.028 seconds
Total duration
603 users online
1,200,973 hits today, 2,454,720 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Great chapter nice to see the use of crystal ponies.
towards the end its almost exactly like the original FO:E you sir are good at making stories
That was pretty good. I'm surprised at how much I'm liking reading this character because on the surface she seems kinda bland and over powered, but as the story progresses you see that she's kind of an idiot, she's practically useless in a fight, being frail, clumsy and a terrible shot (other than her power), and she's refreshingly ruthless in some ways. I didn't like her at first, but I like her now, and I can easily see her becoming more interesting as the story progresses.
I don't know how you're planning this, but I'd like to see a character arc heading in the opposite direction of most of the FO:E character arcs. That's to say, the wasteland changes them into better stronger ponies, but here its already set up in such a way that she seems less angled towards being a hero, and more towards toughening up, learning to get over herself, discarding some of her notions of right and wrong, and just learning to do what she needs to do to save the Wasteland. Screw the Enclave and all her old loyaltys and even her new friends if she has to, her cause is higher than that. A character arc that focuses on her learning to be ruthless and uncompromising in her goals. I don't know if you're heading that way, but the story feels set up for that character arc perfectly, and it'd be a refreshing change of pace from a lot of the poorly written and frighteningly unoriginal FO:E slock that's kicking around these days.
Their are two issues I have with this story at the moment.
One is it feels pretty unoriginal. 'Memories' is probably the most popular example of a pegasus-cenctric FO:E fic, but the thing is I don't think that story's actually very good. But at least it was original in that it had a insane main character (even if she was bland in her insanity) with a premise that hadn't been done in FO:E before, and she had a unique(-ish) look with her robot claw, even if cybernetics had been done before (many times). This story on the other hand doesn't seem like it has anything new to bring to the table just yet. Sure it's pretty early in the story, but you need to do something soon to make it stand out. At the moment it feels like 'just another FO:E fic' rather than another potentially spectacular FO:E fic the way that Project Horizons and Heroes were. This sort of bring me to my next point.
My second issue is your narrators voice is pretty meh. This main character feels a little dull compared to the average FO:E hero. This isn't a serious problem just yet, it could actually work to your favor if done right, but it's an issue. Most writers take a while to find their character's 'true voice'. Both Project Horizons and the original FO:E started with fairly standard character narration near the begining, and towards the end was where it got more interesting and unique.
Heroes is the only FO:E fic I can think of that started with a great voice. Silver Storm was an idiot, and that comes across in the way she's written. She's short sharp and to the point, constantly defending her choices of wording and sounding like she's barely tolerating the audience's presence. It works great for her, and Silver's voice is the main reason I count Heroes as one of the three true greats, despite whatever EQD wants to say about Pink Eyes.
Getting back to this fic though, I can't really say there's anything about your characters voice that makes her stand out at all. It's something that will probably fix itself with time, but you need to do something to try and make your character feel and sound unique.
Littlepip was kinda interesting near the start of the original because she was playing straight man to the world. She seemed to be the only who realised how crazy the world was, and constantly pointed it out inside her own head. It didn't last the whole story, and it wasn't perfectly done, but it helped her feel more like an actual person telling the story as she remembers it, and not like a third person narrator with all the 'shes' and 'hes' swapped with 'Is' and 'Mes'. Blackjack near the start of Project Horizons felt oddly cheery and excited for someone in such a bad situation. She felt less like a normal pony in over her head, and more like someone who finally has the excuse they need to cut loose and have fun, whether that was by killing a bunch of things, or by playing hero whenever she got the chance. (It was also why chapter 6 was so brilliant because it gave the reader whiplash at the incredibly sudden serious change in tone and character for Blackjack).
Your character though, doesn't have anything to her voice that makes her feel even remotely special. You need to fix that somehow. She doesn't feel idealistic enough to be naive, she doesn't feel snarky enough to be sarcastic, she doesn't feel selfish enough to be an antihero, she doesn't feel emotional enough to be angsty, she just doesn't feel like anything. At the moment I like her, because she's horrendously ill-equipped for the Equestrian Wasteland. She's a terrible shot, she's much too trusting, she's out of shape and, best of all, she's kinda dumb. She's not a moron in the way that Silver Storm is, she just lacks wisdom and doesn't seem to have a lot of foresight or skill at connecting the dots the way Blackjack and Littlepip do. This, despite her ice powers, makes her feel like the least likely terrorist in Enclave history, and I think that's a good angle for you to work at. Make her more oblivious, more naive and out of her league. That way, when she develops more and learns the ins and outs of wasteland survival it feels like a bigger deal. Like I've said already, I'd love to see a ruthlessness character arc, where the main character becomes increasingly less idealistic and eventually becomes and outright anti-hero, but it's your call if you want to do that or not. I think it'd be awesome but it's your story.
TL:DR? (and I swear I will put my fist through this computer if you don't read all that)
Good points:
1)I like your main character.
2)I think a 'learning to be ruthless' character arc would serve this story well.
Bad points:
3)This story needs more originality
4)Your character's narration needs to sound more unique.
Anyway, that's a massive review I just wrote, and I seriously hope you read it. Looking forward to more of this.
2353593
I actually share most of your concerns, Sleet's voice especially was nagging at me the whole time I was writing this chapter. Much like you said I couldn't shake the feeling that the narration wasn't "grabbing" enough. It's actually really nice knowing that others share this concern, it validates my own worries and means I have to really buckle down and fix them. Fortunately, I have a number of plot ideas cooking that will address the issue, hopefully to everyone's liking.
Thanks a ton for the review, and please don't hurt your computer