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Chapter 11,178 words
Chapter 2: Ponyville1,093 words

Chapter 1

“King Sombra is already attacking the Empire; he could reach the crystal ponies at any moment!” Twilight said, frantically trying to think of what to do. There’s no way out. Spike could take it, but then I would fail Celestia’s test… I have to get out somehow. Twilight tried teleporting out once more but to no avail. She looked out the window and saw everything dark and colorless. It was over. King Sombra had won.

Shining Armor looked at the blank Empire. “Twiley…” he whispered. He held Princess Cadence close to him, to make sure she was out of danger. He looked down off the balcony and saw the crystal ponies running around, trying to flee. And then he saw him. King Sombra stepped onto the balcony, his glowing eyes glaring at them, no, at Cadence. Shining Armor tightened his grip on her even more. King Sombra walked over and pushed Shining Armor aside without even trying and laid his hoof on Cadence’s neck, his eyes filled with hatred and the tiniest glint of fear. “No!” Shining Armor screamed. He jumped up to save her, but was pulled down by large jagged black crystals. He struggled, trying hopelessly to help the one he loved, but could not. King Sombra looked down at Cadence as she awoke. She gasped and looked up at him with wide fearful eyes. And then, Shining Armor watched as King Sombra crushed the neck of his wife.

Princess Celestia awoke to her sister, Luna bursting through the door. Luna looked at her and shook her head. “Come sister!” Luna said frantically. What? Did Twilight not make it? No, no she had to. She was chosen for thisCelestia followed her sister out to the balcony. She looked around at the great city of Canterlot, now filled with hatred. There are ponies trapped in black crystals, and almost Everypony she can see looks depressed. “Sister, she failed. You said she wouldn't.” Luna said angrily. Celestia looked at her sister just in time to see the crystals grow from under her. “Luna!” Celestia yelped. She tried to grab her sister, but instead was grabbed by a huge black crystal, which then grew until the Princess was covered in crystal, unable to do anything.

Rainbow Dash had heard Shining Armor. She looked down at Applejack who was still trapped in the crystal that Rainbow had been trying to get her out of. Apparently Applejack had heard him too. “Go.” Applejack said. “I’ll be fine, but they might not be.” Rainbow nodded and flew up to the balcony just in time to see the door close. There was no one else there. She broke through the door and only saw King Sombra taking a seat on his throne. He glared at her and she shot up in the air, just avoiding the crystal that appeared right where she had been. Quickly, she dashed into the nearest room and found herself in a room that was just a huge crystal wall. She tried to go back out the door but was blocked off by, you guessed it, crystal. She was trapped.

Spike stared Twilight in her prison, then looked at the crystal heart. "What are we going to do?" he asked frantically. He looked at Twilight, brave, smart, the mare with the plan, hopefully. "Nothing..." Finally came the answer. Spike's eyes grew wide. He sat for a moment hoping Twilight would just go "Ha! Just kidding" and then tell him the plan, but no, she just sat there, and stared at the ground. Twilight, nerdy, friendly, motherly Twilight, had no ideas, nothing. Then Spike felt a large hoof lightly land on his back. Thinking it was Shining Armor, Spike sighed with relief. But then he saw the look now on Twilight's face. He turned to see King Sombra staring down at him. King Sombra then pushed Spike as hard as he could, impaling him on a waiting crystal. The last thing Spike heard was Twilight screaming his name at the top of her lungs, and the last thing he saw, was King Sombra taking back the crystal heart, and the crystal empire with it.

Tears fell down Twilight's face as she stared at Spike's body impaled on the sharp crystal. Her #1 assisstant, her little baby dragon, dead. "You MONSTER!" She screamed at Sombra. King Sombra looked at her and smiled. "And what are YOU going to do about it?" he asked. "We'll stop you, somehow," Twilight growled. King Sombra laughed. "Without the crystal princess? I doubt it." And with that, he left. What did he mean? Is he going to kill Cadence? Has he already? Twilight wasn't sure, but she hoped that last question wasn't answered with a yes. Then, Twilight Sparkle lay down on the cold heard floor to cry for the lost of her baby dragon.

Rarity ran as fast as she could, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie at her side. All around them huge crystals were acsending from the ground, trapping whoever they could find, including Pinkie Pie. "Go on without me!" Pinkie screamed as she fell to the ground. Rarity started to run again, but Fluttershy stopped for a moment unsure what to do. Quickly, Rarity grabbed Fluttershy before a crystal could grab her. "B-but what about Pinkie Pie?" Fluttershy whispered. "There's no time, I'm sorry," Rarity explained, a couple of tears escaping her eyes and smearing her mascara. But that didn't matter anymore. They had to get out of there.

Shining Armor growled at himself. Stupid! Stupid Stupid! He should've gone to retrieve the crystal heart, not his little sister! Sure Cadence needed him to stay and protect her but see how well THAT turned out! Now he was alone in a dark room, pinned down by crystals, the only light in the whole room is the light glow that King Sombra had put around Cadence's dead body just to taunt him. Shining Armor had no idea what to do. All he knew was that Twilight had failed, and now his wife was dead. The screech of the one door echoes through the room, then fills it with light as King Sombra enters. "Look what I've got!" He taunted, revealing the crystal heart. "It was easy, really, that little unicorn did absolutley nothing, not even after I killed that puny dragon." Shining Armor looked up at him. "You killed SPIKE? A baby dragon? Wow, you really ARE evil, not that I ever doubted that." King Sombra glared at him. "Yes, I killed a baby dragon. I impaled him on a sharp crystal. He died as fast as your wife did. And your little 'Twiley' just sat there and watched." King Sombra then left, leaving Shining Armor once again in the dark thing, the only seeable thing being his dead wife.

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SwiperTheFox

SwiperTheFox #1 · Dec 22nd, 2012 · · ·

I have to say some things immediately:

a)New speaker means new paragraph.

b)Create a clear, solid line between thoughts, actions, and speech. So, have something like-- Oh, no, she can't! "Run," Twilight screamed out.-- instead of-- Oh, no, she can't! "Run," Twilight screamed out.

c)Avoid wall-of-text paragraphs like these. Break them up so that they seem concentrated in a way that flows from character to character.

d)Watch for punctuation as well as spelling. For example, the part-- All around them huge crystals were acsending from the ground, trapping whoever they could find. Including Pinkie Pie.-- would look better as-- All around them, huge crystals ascended from the ground- trapping whoever they could find, including Pinkie Pie.

This isn't too bad written, don't get me wrong, but I feel like you really, really need to work on a bunch of things in your prose. Good luck on that.