The Doctor ran around the spire in the center of the TARDIS’ main room, flipping seemingly random switches and hitting several buttons before stepping away from the console and towards Derpy.
“So Derpy, where do you want to go?” Asked the Doctor.
“Well I’ve always wanted to see what Equestria was like only a hundred years ago. Maybe see the start of Ponyville or something,” Derpy said, shrugging as she said the first thing that came to mind.
“Well then let’s see us the start of a town,” the Doctor said, smiling as he turned back to the TARDIS. The Doctor stepped up to the console and moved a few more levers and turned some dials. Then, everything started to briefly shake then stop. The Doctor turned one of the overhanging monitors towards him and said “good,” as he gave himself a quick nod.
“Are we here?” Asked Derpy.
“Well we are on the right date, a Tuesday I think. Why don’t you take a look,” the Doctor offered, motioning towards the TARDIS exit.
The Doctor and Derpy walked over the door and exited the TARDIS. The duo stepping into a glade. The open patch of forest seemed to be completely void of any plant life, and the dirt itself looked as if it had all been recently disturbed.
“What is this place Doctor?” Derpy asked as they closed the TARDIS doors and stepped towards the middle of the clearing.
“I don’t know, never seen anything like this,” the Doctor said as he knelt down to the dirt and began to inspect it. “It’s almost like all this dirt was dug up,” the Doctor said that as he licked a bit of it and allowed himself to taste the makeup of the dirt.
“Did you just eat some dirt Doctor?” asked Derpy, worriedly.
“The dirt is definitely natural. Nothing alien has affected it, at least nothing that sticks out,” the Doctor mused. “But why would an individual, or even a group for that matter, go through the trouble to dig up this opening? I’m missing something, something obvious, but what?” The Doctor stared down at the dirt attempting to figure out why he was so curious about this dirt and exactly what it was that bothered him about it.
“Um, Doctor,” Derpy said cautiously.
“One moment Derpy,” the Doctor said, still analyzing the dirt before him.
“Doctor, this is kind of important, we may have a problem,” Derpy said, now beside the Doctor trying to look him in the eyes.
“Alright, what’s the matter Derpy?”
“Doctor, the TARDIS, it’s not there anymore,” Derpy told him.
“What do you mean it isn’t there any more, of course it is,” the Doctor turned to look at the TARDIS as he said this, but when he looked in the direction the TARDIS should have been his gaze was met with the dense forest. “Yeah I’d say you were spot on when you said we had a problem Derpy.”
“Where do you think it went Doctor?” Asked Derpy.
“Well I doubt it went far, we would have heard it dematerializing. No, I suspect that someone or something may have taken it, and they couldn’t have gotten very far.”
“Because it’s so heavy,” Derpy said, more stating than asking.
“Well not really, from the outside it’s relatively light. It’s just the inside that’s heavy,” the Doctor told Derpy.
“The inside weighs more than the outside?” Asked Derpy. “Well then how much does the inside weigh?”
“Well let’s see, if I were to give a rough estimate I’d say about 5 × 107 Newtons, or the weight of 5,000 tonnes, yeah that sounds about right,” the Doctor said absentmindedly.
“What about the outside?”
“Oh who knows, it’s clearly light enough that it got carried away, now are we going to sit here and talk about how much my TARDIS weighs or are we going to go and find out where it’s gone off to?”
“Did you just sass me Doctor?” Derpy asked. “I didn’t think you were the type to sass.”
The Doctor opened his mouth and raised a hoof to make a point, but before a word left his lips they heard a strange voice that seemed to come from all around them.
“Po-nies.”
“Well now that’s rather creepy,” the Doctor said. “Who’s out there? Show yourself! Are you the lot that has got my TARDIS? You won’t get any use out of it, you might as well just give it back,” the Doctor called out to the forest.
“Do you think that’ll work Doctor?”
“Doubtful but it’s always worth a try,” the Doctor responded with a smile.
”Po-nies.”
This time the word sounded muffled and seemed to come from below their feet. The Doctor and Derpy looked down then back to each other in confusion.
Derpy lifted a hoof and looked underneath it, after seeing nothing she turned back to the Doctor and said “I think maybe we should get out of here Doctor.”
“I agree, we’ll find my TARDIS later.”
With that the Doctor and Derpy made a beeline for the trees. The Doctor was nearly beyond the trees when he heard Derpy let out a yelp behind him then go silent. He turned around to see what seemed to be a deep crater in the dirt and no sign of Derpy.
The Doctor slowly stepped towards the crater only to find it was, in fact, a hole, and a deep one at that.
“Derpy!” The Doctor called down the hole.
There was no response.
“Derpy!” The Doctor called out, this time a little louder. Still nothing.
The Doctor took a few steps back, turned around, then shouted out “Whatever you are, you are making an extremely big mistake. Because it’s my fault she is here, and I will fight to my last breath to see her safe again! Now you’ve got to the count of three before I come looking for you, and believe me when I say that you don’t want that.”
“One,” the Doctor called out. There was some rustling beyond the trees and shrubbery that caught the Doctor’s attention. The Doctor took a few steps towards the rustling and called out again.
“Two.”
“Last chance,” the Doctor offered. “Very well then. Thre-“
The Doctor was cut short by sudden and rapid movement. The ground seemed to give out underneath him, and all light seem to vanish as he felt a strange sensation that seemed to be a mixture of falling and sliding, yet, there was something holding onto the Doctor's rear limbs. The Doctor couldn’t place what was it was that was dragging him, but whatever it was, it had claws, and they were digging deep into the Doctor’s flesh.
It was only around ten seconds before the Doctor and his captor had stopped moving. The Doctor began to look around in an attempt to get his bearings.
The Doctor saw many torches adoring the walls of several caves and passage ways as they sprawled outward. The Doctor turned to face his attacker only to be met with darkness the Doctor quickly realized was nothing more than a black hood, which was tightened around his neck immediately.
The Doctor tried to fight it, but a quick blow to the back of his head with some unknown blunt object quickly stopped any resistance he had been putting up.
The Doctor awoke several hours later in a daze. The first thing he noticed was the lack of actual bedding. The Doctor opened his eyes to see he was actually elevated to about the height of a bed, though the only thing he felt below him was dirt. In fact, the small room he found himself in seemed to be dug out of the earth. The only things that weren’t dirt was the torch on the adjacent wall that gave the room a low glow, the other was the few plywood boards that had been fashioned into a rudimentary door.
The Doctor sat up and got to his hoofs. He stumbled his way to the mediocre door and when he stepped out he was greeted with a particularly large chamber. There was no natural light seeping into the large room, but there were torches everywhere.
There were also dozens, maybe even hundreds of ponies of varying ages that were doing all sorts of work. Some were pulling carts of gems down different passageways while others simply dug up the gems and loaded them into the carts. There were a few creatures that clearly weren’t ponies, but rather they appeared to be canine in nature. These dogs all had a strange set of studded iron armor on and some even carried whips with them as they barked orders at the various ponies.
The Doctor didn’t know what was going on, but he had a pretty good guess. He stepped forward only to be stopped by a sage green hoof extending in front of his path from his left. The Doctor looked towards the origin of the hoof that was blocking his path to see a Pegasus stallion with a deep purple mane with a single stripe of a dark pink down one side of his hair who seemed to be near middle aged.
The Doctor looked over the stallion before accepting that he wasn't in the condition to fight.
“What’s your name?” the Doctor inquired.
The stallion spoke in a gruff and harsh voice as if he had taken a shot a whiskey only a moment before speaking. “My name is Rain Step. Though most just call me Doc, seeing how I’m the only one here who will patch ponies up. The Diamond Dogs seem content to let us rot. I guess they figure they have enough of us that it doesn’t really matter, but so long as I’m around I’ll do what I can. I think I did a pretty good job stitching you up stranger.”
The Doctor looked down at his hoofs where the claws had cut his flesh to see several fresh stitches. “Thank you very much,” the Doctor said. “I take it those armored dogs are whom you’re referring to.”
“Well yeah, they must have hit your head something fierce for you not to recognize a Diamond Dog,” Rain Step said.
“Why isn’t anypony fighting back?” Asked the Doctor.
“Most have been in captivity so long they’ve stopped caring. They’ve lost hope.”
“Well why hasn’t anypony on the outside tried to stop them?”
“Think about it, we are in the middle of the Celestia damned Everfree. Anypony that actually comes looking for us gets trapped, and their work force increases,” Rain Step told the Doctor. “Personally I think it’ll take all of us fighting back together to be free, but I can’t imagine this lot coming together to fight back. They just don't have the will anymore.” The Doctor looked out towards the slaves thoughtfully and muttered to himself “a rebellion of slaves huh?”
“Sorry, where are my manners, you have a name mister?” asked Rain Step.
“Uhh, yes actually. Just call me Spartacus,” the Doctor told Rain Step.
“Spartacus? Not the name I would have chosen, but if that’s your name that’s your name,” Rain Step said. “Do you have any other questions Spartacus?”
“Actually I came in here with somepony else. Well not necessarily in here with them but about the same time we were taken. You wouldn’t happen to have heard anything about a gray Pegasus mare would you?”
“A gray Pegasus? Not that I’m aware of. There are many different rooms like this, though I would wait another hour or so when they move us all towards the central hall so they can feed us whatever scrap they happen to feel like feeding us today. She’ll probably be there, but I can’t guarantee you’ll be able to pick her out in the crowd.”
“I think I’ll be able to manage,” the Doctor said. “If you don’t mind me asking, why is it you aren’t doing any heavy work right now?”
“It’s no bother,” Rain Step told the Doctor. “You see, like I said before, the Diamond Dogs could care less if we get hurt. But they still would rather not lose the worker if they don’t have to spend the time themselves to patch them up. So they allow me to help where I can so they can keep as many workers as possible, and in return I don’t have to do much of heavy lifting.”
“Seems rational enough,” the Doctor said.
“You can’t rationalize with them Spartacus,” Rain Step told the Doctor. “In fact the only medical supplies I have is from the various things ponies come in here with.”
“Speaking of which, do you know where they might have taken my stuff? I had a few things in my pockets that I’m sure will prove useful.”
“Actually I have it over in my office, follow me,” Rain Step told the Doctor.
The Doctor followed Rain Step over to another dirt room that was only slightly larger than the one he had woken up in. In this room, the elevated dirt served as a desk rather than a bed. Rain Step walked behind the desk and pulled a box out from behind it before lifting it onto the dirt desk.
“Let’s see, it should be in here somewhere,” Rain Step said. A brief moment passed, and he spoke again. “Here it is.”
Rain Step pulled out a dusty coat that the Doctor instantly recognized. The Doctor reached for it and stuck his hoof into the deep pockets of his coat only to find them empty. The Doctor felt around in the pockets again to verify what he had just felt then reached for the box and began frantically looking through the box. He found nothing.
“Missing something friend?” Asked Rain Step.
The Doctor sat back it defeat. “Yes actually, but it’s replaceable,” the Doctor told him. “My friend, however, is not.”
“I’m sure we’ll find your girlfriend right away, but there isn’t much we can do right now. Now why don’t you follow me, I’ll show you the ropes of being a slave,” Rain Step said, only partially jokingly as he started to make his way to the doorway.
“She’s not my, oh never mind,” the Doctor said to himself as he threw his jacket back into the box and followed Rain Step out the door.
The Doctor trotted up beside Rain Step and Rain Step turned his head as he led them down a passageway.
“I can see it in your eyes Spartacus, a fire. If you really want to try and free all of us, you’ll have to get popular with all the other prisoners. Become a symbol, as it were.”
“And how would I do that?” Asked the Doctor.
“Well, down here, there are only three ways to get in good with the populous,” Rain Step began. “First, you can fight, there are daily tournaments that the Diamond Dogs like to bet on. The winner gets one desire granted. Usually that is to go free, which the Diamond Dogs do keep to their word, but they are almost always immediately captured again.”
“What if I asked for them to set us all free?”
“They’d refuse, and it might be the spark needed to begin a revolution. However it isn’t just fights, the fights are to death in an arena,” Rain Step told the Doctor.
“Well I guess we can rule that out,” the Doctor said. “Next option?”
“The second way is to become a dealer of various goods and comforts. Supply things others can’t, though I’m not sure how you would do that.”
“You mean play off the desperation of others for profit?” Asked the Doctor.
“Hey, I never said the options were pleasant,” Rain Step said defensively.
“Fair enough,” the Doctor said. “What’s the other way?”
“The other way is to do something incredibly stupid. Things like that tend to get around quick, I guess gossiping helps everypony to distract their minds,” Rain Step told the Doctor.
“That’ll work. I’m good at stupid,” the Doctor said, just glad there was a way to get known without having to do something he knew he’d regret later.
“Well whatever you are going to do I suggest doing it at meal time.”
“Great, how much longer do we have to wait?” Asked the Doctor.
“Well we’ve been walking to the feeding hall this whole time. I’d say we’ll be there in about five minutes, I hope you’re a fast thinker,” Rain Step said. “And be careful, I’d like to see you in my office again, but I’d prefer if you weren’t unconscious this time.”
“I’ll do my best Doc, I’ll do my best.”
So I finally put this chapter out, the rest of this adventure should follow suit rather quickly.
Also, do you guys like the pun for the title of this particular adventure?
I see what you did there. Also, this episode is good so far.
Onward to new adventures!
This is gonna be good
Spartacus Spartacus oh i loved that episode
Just read through your story up to this point and I must say I'm impressed! You've got a good sense of all of your characters, from the Doctor and Derpy to the younger versions of Celestia and Luna. I love the fact that it was the Doctor that acted as the final tipping point to launching Nightmare Moon, as well as motivating Celestia to act compasionately rather than doing something she would eternally regret.
Quibbles? A few spelling and grammatical errors here and there, but nothing outrageous or that a prereader couldn't help with. Otherwise, your narrative is well constructed and flows nicely, your characterization is well-crafted (as I said before), and as a whole it has that nice blend of fun and whimsy that characterizes both Doctor Who and MLP:FIM, making your story a pleasure to read. I'm interested to see what comes from this new adventure, and judging from the Doctor's name choice and self-admitted propensity for acting stupidly, it should be quite amusing to see play out. Keep up the great work!
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Hello, there. I’m OtterMatt, of WRITE, and I’m here to try to give you some guidance with your story. I will say that I took this story since I’m a DW fan myself, which does give you some rather large shoes to fill, unfortunately. Anyway, enough preamble, let’s get into this thing.
Right off the bat, I’m going to say that it seems that you’ve got the basics of writing down. I don’t see a large number of errors, from a grammatical and mechanical standpoint. One thing that’s a problem is that you don’t close your dialogue when you tag it.
should be
Two commas that you need are missing. Overall, I’d say that comma usage is your primary problem as far as mechanics go. Go google comma usage rules and read up a little bit, because it’s a little thing that adds a lot when you do it properly.
Really, though, I’m not here to go over your story in an editorial fashion, because that’s not the most helpful thing I can do. The most helpful thing I can do is evaluate the story as a whole and see where it can be improved, and there are a few things we need to cover.
Characters
I gotta be honest here, I just really don’t feel any of the characters in this. On the one hand, you have a much-beloved character that you borrowed from another series, one with more character development, quirks, oddities, and mannerisms than our own ponies. On the other hoof, you have one of the most beloved fan-created characters, one who has been given personalities and fanon-agreed characteristics.
It’s not totally fair to judge characters that have no canon personalities of their own, but I just feel very little personality from anypony in this. Talk about vague and unhelpful advice, I know, but the long and short of it is that you’re using mannerisms of a character without making me believe that it is that character. There are two primary reasons why this is...
Show vs. Tell
One of the most common traits of amateur fiction is this; where an authors tells the audience what they should be able to glean for themselves, were the story well-written.
These are two examples of what I’m talking about. There are lots of ways you could show the reader that Derpy is confused (rubbing her chin, quizzical expression, exasperated breathing, etc), but you just outright said it. When you just give an emotion to a reader, there’s a good chance that you’re telling instead of showing.
When you tell, it prevents the reader from attaching to your characters, because they aren’t experiencing anything along with the characters. If you’re telling, then the emotions belong solely to the character, and the reader is just informed of it. But if you do your job as a storyteller, we get to experience the fear of being chased, the thrill of combat, the stress of being forced to solve a puzzle—and we get to do it with the characters in the story. This is a large part of making a character believable, because it’s your whole job to get us to relate to them.
General Storytelling
Overall, this story is... simple. It very rarely gets into the characters’ emotions, it doesn’t dwell on scenes or descriptions. It’s very much like reading the Cliff’s Notes of the story rather than the whole thing. What you have here is what I would have after a good first draft: it’s got all the bones of the story, but no meat. What I typically do at this point is spend the next few weeks proofreading, tweaking, and—mostly—adding to what I have. What you have is good, but I just need more of it. I need more setting, more action, more emotions, and especially more activity during dialogue. Nobody stands still while having a conversation. Well, not normally, anyway.
Final Verdict: 3/5 Pinkies
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Closing Remarks:
I realize that I’m probably being a bit harsh, on account of my DW fandom feeling underwhelmed. I critique what I felt needed to be critiqued, and most of the points I didn’t mention are probably not that flawed by omission. The primary point is that this story has good potential, but it needs more love.
- OtterMatt, WRITE Co-Founder and Composer Laureate
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Thank you. I really do appreciate the thought you put into your comment and I will definitely do some self evaluating as well as a bit of research. Hopefully I can improve a bit and should you ever see this again in passing you enjoy it a bit more