Opposites Attract - Return To PonyVille
Dubs and wubs erupted from the building ahead, a simple brick building. It didn’t even look like a club or anything. The sounds Octavia was able to hear from the place she was standing at sounded odd to her, but that was dubstep for you. She was never very fond of it. The road, that was separating her from the club, wasn't even big. It wouldn’t have taken long to just walk across, but she just stood there. Afraid and deep in thoughts. Will she ever forgive me? I have done and said some terrible things, things that she will hate me for. What have I done? I-I left her... No, no, it has been two years, it will be fine. But... will it?
A few moments passed before Octavia made the first step. Well, no sense in delaying. She slowly made her way to the building... one small step at a time. The club had no name, or rather, none that she was able to see. Hell, it didn't even look like a club. It looked like it should actually have a name but it didn't. So it was natural that no one really knew the name, they all just called it “That one club where that one DJ plays.” However, that “One DJ” wasn't normally Vinyl. But information told her, that she was having a guest appearance.
As she walked up to the building, a bouncer stopped her, with a curt “Ticket?”.
The bouncer was huge, no, colossal. He seemed to be one of those guys who can snap any ponies back without even trying! She looked both ways to make sure there was no one around and slowly passed a bag of bits over to the bouncer. “Welcome to our club, Ms. Smith.” She nods and heads through the door. Bribing always works, she noted to herself.
As soon as she entered, she made a beeline to the bar.
“Well, miss, what can I get for ya?”, the barmare asked as Octavia set herself onto a stool. She didn't even hear her and took the moment to look around the room. There were tons of ponies listening and dancing to the colt who was playing right now. “Yo, I hope you had fun, but I am done for the night.”
The crowd groaned in unison, annoyed that their favorite DJ was leaving. “You don't have to worry, though, we have a very famous DJ comin’ in to entertain ya! I’m sure everyone knows her name, as she just moved back to Ponyville about a month ago! Hell... Pinkie threw one hell of a party for her!”
The crowd started cheering to the name of their favorite pink party pony.
Huh, I didn't know Vinyl left, but it comes to mind, as she always wanted to see the world. Octavia thought to herself as the barmare finally was able to break her concentration.
“MISS what can I get for you?” The barmare asked, annoyed.
“I will have a scotch on the rocks with a twist...” Octavia replied slowly, not paying much attention.
“Huh. You know, you’re the second pony to ordered that from me today”, the bartender said, absentmindedly cleaning a glass.
Octavia perked up. “What did the other pony look like?”
“Oh, just a mare. She had those shades, a lot like that DJ... maybe she’s a fan or something!” The mare pointed at the DJ booth.
“Oh, she isn’t a fan....” she muttered to herself focusing her own hoofs. Turning her head back to the barmare, “Would you be so kind to give me more information about this mare... her mane color and similar things to that?”
“Alright, let’s see... She had a white coat with this weird looking hair, it was just blue.... really spiky blue hair-”
Vinyl...
“- oh, and she was really depressed about something, said something about an anniversary or something...”
Damn it, I almost forgot.... I left on this day 2 years ago.
“You know her?”
“I- I used to”, she stuttered.
“Erm, okay”, was the last thing the barmare said, as she handed Octavia her drink.
Octavia crossed the room to find a place to sit, from which she would be able to see the DJ booth the best she possibly could. Shortly after sitting down, a rather sad looking mare walked onto the stage, Double-checking her equipment. All of a sudden her eyes lit up, and she ran to the microphone.
Vinyl... she looks just the same as always... perhaps a little less happy.
“Yo, how is everypony doin'?”
The response of the crowd wasn't really enthusiastic, a few “Goods” and “Greats” from a few patrons, but no one sounded overly excited looking at the DJ.
“Aww, c'mon, you guys can do better than that!” This time the response was a loud cheer.
“Alright that’s better, now let’s start up some tracks!” And then she began. The music and beats blasted through the speakers and the lights started to flicker across the dance floor, illuminating the wildly dancing ponies.
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Vinyl’s Playlist
Deniz Koyu - Follow You (feat. Wynter Gordon) Here
Dash Berlin - Man on the Run (Original Vocal Mix) Here
K12 & The Noisy Freaks - Snowflakes (Original Mix) Here
Rank 1 - Cosmomatic (Extended Mix) Here
Armin Van Buuren - Imagine (Original Mix) Here
Ali & Fila meet Roger Sarah - Perfect Love Here
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About halfway through, Octavia had enough and started to walk through the cheering fans, muttering ”excuse me” or “sorry” every time she bumped into somepony. Finally, she broke through the last row of fans and continued to watch Vinyl playing her gig.
“Alright, last song of the night!”
The crowd started booing.
“Oh, c’mon, I did a lot of songs and hey, I was planning on taking the day off to remember a friend...”
Vinyl would take a day off just to remember... me?
“Alright, no time to waste! Let’s go!” And then she jumped into another song.
It’s still lost on me as to how anypony would like to.... listen to this kind of music, if you can even call it that. But Vinyl likes it, that's all that matters... Again, doubt crept its way back in Octavia's mind. Oh, Celestia, will she be mad? I hope she won't be mad. I mean, I was gone for two whole years. All I can hope is that she will understand why I left.
Deep in thoughts Octavia continued to stare at the DJ. Vinyl always plays on the same turntable, constantly upgrading it to its newest stats. She can’t help it. It was a gift from me. I can’t believe she kept it, it was the last gift from me before I left. She made up her mind. I need to talk to her.
Vinyl was bouncing to her keyboard to all those infernal knobs that can easily ruin amazing music. This way she was playing the last song. About halfway through she started looking through the crowd slowly scanning, registering every pony. Until her eyes fell on Octavia. Her grin dropped, the music stopped and she stared at her for what seemed like forever.
“T- T- Tavi?”
“H- hello Vinyl.”
As if on cue, the music stopped and the crowd waits expectantly.
“DISC!” Vinyl screamed.
“Yo!” said somepony from inside the crowd.
“Take over for me.”
“Gotcha!”
Yay all done (Finally) Now time to wait 2-5 hours :| Meh whatever ^.^
You need to work on your sentencing.
1804806 so we meet again... I will
For once, I'm going to have agree with Regidar on something (and Regidar, it KILLS me to admit that!); you've got some kind of weird syntax going on. You seem to switch tenses often, such as in this sentence:
It sounds weird, because you went from present to past tense in one sentence. It should either read "there were tons of ponies listening and dancing to the colt who was playing right then" or "there are tons of ponies listening and dancing to the colt who is playing right now." This is a problem I noticed all through the chapter; your tense seemed very inconsistent.
Your use of commas is also kind of odd; there should be one here:
But not here:
Also, the inserted playlist in the middle of the chapter kind of put me off. It broke up the story in a weird way and seemed out of place. I would put it as an author's note at the bottom if you simply want to list it, or find a more creative way to work the song tracks into the prose of the story.
I think if you cleaned this up a little, it could be really good. Right now, it's just kind of mediocre.
And the cover image is ADORABLE.
1804917 Ok well I put the music there because it was what Vinyl was playing. As well as my editor one being in the US and one in Germany so they kinda cross each other but they are both great people... Normally And the cover image I found was just SOO cute I needed to add it.
1804930
Is English not your native language? Because that would explain a lot of the odd wording and sentence structure. It's pretty hard to translate things to English.
To me, the playlist being tossed into the middle like that was like a commercial when I'm watching TV -- It annoys me and I just want the show back, you know? It disrupted the flow of the story a lot.
1804939 Ahh it happened again... Well no I live in the US but my main editor (The US guy) Rarely wants to edit so I have a 2nd editor to help me out im going to change the chapter name to 50% edited to let everyone know its not done yet.
1804952
It definitely needs more editing. You need to decide if you want it to take place in the past tense or present tense before it can really be completely edited, though. That will make your editor's job much easier, knowing which tense it's supposed to be in.
Good job, excited for the next chapter.
1804983 Great.... Im excited... to see you there?
1804968 I believe I fixed it.. I forgot that you need to manually input the italics...
1804968 Oh and thanks for pointing out some stuff I missed, I pre-read this version but I missed some. Oh and we are doing it in past tense
I need more. And I need to soon. Upvote.
1806156 Mehehehe I have you now... But anyways ill start soonish. I will start at some point but I do have school.... Gah school.. I feel sick
Most awesome Fanfiction ever made!
1814812 Don't you know it!
Not bad. I'll be waiting for the next chapter.
1822242 YAY oh and umm one thing... gah what was that.... oh ya UPDATE NOW!!! xD well thanks im.. slowly writing it underline slowly Slowly ahh there we go!
I almost skipped over this because it says "50% edited." Unless you put the name like that just as a joke, in which case you're lucky I have trouble finding Octavia/Scratch fics, or else I would have skipped it. Under the pretense that it isn't a joke however, If you uploaded it, say its ready and keep going. If it isn't ready you shouldn't have uploaded it. How am I supposed to be happy with a story if the author isn't even sure. Barring that however I say that you just keep writing and throw caution to the wind. I really enjoyed the Pirates of the Caribbean reference. Keep writing and be confident.
Sincerely;
The Fictional Critic.
1860630 Let me explain in more detail, I have 3 editors (Cause i'm awesome )One of them lives in Germany so English is a second language to him. He edits first finding everything he could and fixing it. Then I have one of my friends fireballninja do a 2nd run-over to make sure, and finally I have Learned1 who will do the final touches and is my best editor. However, he is a lazy sack of S**T and he doesn't edit much. So I antagonize him until he does. I believed that the version of this is good enough for the public but Learned has yet to do the final view, so its not 100%. Also I love making obscure references, there are 5 in here ;)
Thanks for the review,
SinisterBronyz
A lovely story and i cant wait for the next chapter
1913762 I cant wait ether.... Just a- hold on one moment... (Runs away screaming i'm sorry i'm not done yet!)
1823099 I do believe I fulfilled my side of this deal
Reading this again, I have to point out there are a few errors-namely, the thoughts of the characters. you may want italicize Octavia's thoughts.
But what I really want to say that this is a great improvement from the writing style of your other stories! The details and imagery are making a HUGE difference, and the story is unfolding spectacularly! Keep up the good work!
2109929 Damn I thought I got all of them... well I will recheck.
2111721 don't worry, the errors aren't too bad.
1804939 No, english is his native language, and he speaks it rather well, but his writing somehow needs more editing than My Immortal. I can say this without causing offense to him because I'm one of the people who edits for him out of courtesy, on my own time.
1862843 I'm not lazy! I have fics to write too!
2201674 Aye, you are. Your "Fics to write" include one which every so once and a while you open, I wouldn't call you lazy if you set a date for editing instead of just saying "I'll get to it."
2201665 *Grumbles and walks away.*
2111904 ALL ERRORS MUST DIE, EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE!
2201799 Well, okay, maybe I just resented the "Lazy sack of Sh*t" comment. I do write the fic, though. I've been, err, studying the tactics of the era it's based on by... erm... playing Rome: Total War. Yeah! That's it! Great excuse, learned1!
(UNRELATED PART)
Also, Medieval II : Total War: Kingdoms is better.
Who else can't wait for Total Rome: War II?
(END UNRELATED PART)