Intro/Meeting Applejack
Revelations of Past and Present
Part 1
Intro/ Meeting Applejack
On the last sunny day before the pegasi started preparing the weather for winter, all of your favorite ponies were busy enjoying their last day of autumn sunlight for the year. While everypony was busy enjoying the Sun and going about their daily routines, none of them took notice of the new pony slowly shuffling into town square, wondering if she had finally found the place where she belonged. Sunny Eclipse is a very small pony, most of the others often mistake her for a filly, until they get to know her, but so far that has only happened once. Sunny doesn't much enjoy company, at least not yet.
Sunny was lost in thought, wandering slowly towards a restaurant, when she suddenly found herself on her haunches, in the dirt. "Oh sorry 'bout that, Sugarcube! Ah couldn't quite see where Ah was goin'," a strong country accent said from the other side of a toppled barrel of apples. Sunny peeked around to see who she had just run into, "Oh no, it was my fault entirely. I should've been paying attention, here let me help you with that." She started to help pick up the apples and put them back into the barrel. "Ah don' reckon Ah've seen y'all 'round Ponyville b'fore. Are you new 'round here?" Sunny looked intrigued at the mention of the town's name, "Ponyville? Is that what this place is called? I think I've heard of it... My name is Sunny Eclipse, and, yes, I'm new here."
Sunny studied the earth pony carefully, taking in every detail. The pony with whom Sunny had collided was a rustic orange color, with a blonde mane and tail and a brown stetson hat perched upon her head. Her Cutie Mark was three apples in a triangle formation. Upon noticing that she was staring, Sunny looked down at the dirt, trying to avoid eye contact, being the shy pony she is. "Well then, Ah'd say it's mighty nice t'meet ya! Mah name's Applejack!" came the friendly reply as Applejack moved to help Sunny up off the ground, looking a little confused at Sunny's apparent lack of knowledge of her surroundings. "Now don't you go around lookin' like that li'l missy, it ain't your fault Ah couldn't see where Ah was goin'! Y'all just cheer right on up now."
Sensing something, Sunny looked Applejack in the eye, trying to decide whether or not she was genuinely different from the other ponies she met, or just the same. Applejack noticed Sunny's hesitation, and as Sunny studied her, she returned the look, taking in all her details. Sunny's coat was strawberry red, and her mane and tail were white with a thick, pink streak running down the middle of each. She had deep midnight blue eyes, eyes that have seen the world, but haven't seen what's in it. And her Cutie Mark, it was peculiar to Applejack, her name was Sunny, yet her Cutie Mark was a Crescent Moon, surrounded by three Stars. What was more interesting was the series of intricate, almost tribal, tattoos that were based around her Cutie Mark, and spread all over her body. Coming to the conclusion that Applejack was sincere, Sunny gave Applejack a little smile.
"Why don'tcha come on 'round to mah house and Ah c'n cook ya up somethin' nice? We c'n talk a little, and Ah can answer some questions fer ya. Plus, Ah like t' get t' know everypony that comes through town, whether they plan on stayin' or not." Sunny perked up at the idea of a home cooked meal, her stomach giving a loud growl, How long has it been since I last ate? Applejack chuckled, "Well, judgin' by th' sound o'yer stomach, Ah'd say that's a yes, come along now!"
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"...And I was thinking about how this place felt different than anywhere else I've been, and was hoping I could maybe settle down here, when we ran into each other." Sunny finished her story and took the last bite of apple fritter, she had never had anything like the food Applejack had just made for her, "That was delicious! Maybe we can do this again sometime?" Applejack looked happy at the response, proud of her apples, "O'course Sugarcube! That was quite th' story y'all had there, and ya don' know anythin' about how ya woke up at th' ol' castle? Or anythin' b'fore that?" Sunny shook her head in response, "Huh, tha's just a li'l odd don'tcha think?"
They sat for a minute in silent thought, "Well, I feel like my memories are somehow linked to this," Sunny pointed out her necklace, a sterling silver circlet inlaid with a gemstone not unlike her eyes. "But other than that, I don't really know what to think... I just know that I'm missing something important." Applejack smiled reassuringly, "Well, Ah'm sure that if it's important, ya'll figure it out one way or another." She got up and took care of the dishes, leaving Sunny to her thoughts.
Sunny really liked Applejack, and she enjoyed being able to tell somepony about her jumbled story, even if she still hadn't revealed her dreams. Things were looking good in Ponyville, it just might be the place Sunny has been looking for. Applejack had been looking out the window, watching the sunset, when she turned back to her guest, "Y'all don't 'ave a place t' stay th' night, do ya Sunny?" Sunny just looked slightly saddened at remembering she didn't, in fact, have anywhere to stay the night, and gave a small shake of her head. "Well there's a nice room in the loft out in th' barn if yer wantin' ta stay here ‘til you c'n get yourself a house, Ah c'n show ya if ya want." Sunny smiled and nodded fervently, "That would be great! Is there anything I can do for you in return?" Applejack just laughed and started walking to the door, "Come along, we c'n talk 'bout that in th' mornin', Ah might jus' need some help with some last minute cleanin' b'fore the snow comes in."
As Sunny followed Applejack up the stairs into the barn loft, she took in the surroundings. The loft was cozy, it opened up to a small living space as she exited the stairway, and three doors branched off of this area. Sunny wasn't quite sure where they would lead, but Applejack quickly amended that, "Th' door on the left is th' bedroom, it should be ready fer y'all to settle in. The middle'un leads to th' attic, don't go up there though, it's a might dangerous. An' that last door leads to a bathroom, it's easier t' get water piped there on account o' the barn bein' connected to th' house on that side." Tour over, Applejack started to turn around, "Now y'all just get yerself settled in, an' we'll talk in th' mornin' alright? G'night Sunny!"
Sunny had put her saddlebag on the small table next to the bedroom door, and was unpacking her very small collection of things. She stopped and looked at Applejack as she was leaving, "Good night Applejack, see you in the morning." Sunny turned back to unpacking her bag, she sifted through until she found a little velvet bag, no bigger than an acorn. She peeked inside the bag, and sighed with relief, her two baby blue earrings were still inside. Some days earlier, she had been running though the Everfree forest, and a branch had snagged her ear, cutting a large gash out and taking her earrings with it. She had snatched up the earrings, and put them in the small bag for safekeeping. She didn't know why they mattered so much to her, but they carried a blurry memory of a midnight blue pony, watching over her, as she drifted slowly to unconsciousness.
Having confirmed she still had her earrings, she put them back in the saddlebag, along with the various flowers and plants she had collected, either for food, or medical purposes. Sunny made her way into the bedroom, it too was cozy, but fitting for one pony. The small room was filled mostly by a single four-poster bed in the back corner. There was also a small dresser, which extended into a writing desk on the right side. Sunny slipped into the bed and slowly thought herself to sleep, hoping that she had made a genuine friend today, but still holding caution close.
*** *** *** *** ***
[Author’s Note]
Hello! Now, as fun as going by aliases and nicknames can be, you can just call me Jacob, or GeneralTsunami, if you really want to... Anyway, this is a story that I have put about 16 hours into total, over the space of two or three weeks. I have about 20,000 words written on it, but it’s all pretty much a giant blob right now... so I will prepare each chapter to be released on a Wednesday (hopefully weekly, but I won’t make any official promises...) and I will make sure that it isn't too hard to read. Please give constructive criticism, and point out any errors you might find (except the Applejack talking, that’s all intentional) and I will fix them.
Plus, if you have any ideas for the story let me know, but remember, I already have a fairly large portion of the story written (though you shouldn't let that stop you). I don’t think I have reached the halfway point yet, but I could be wrong... I promise future A/N’s won’t be this long (Unless otherwise mentioned).
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1664307
Lol! nice...
1664928 Sorry, Regi has a pretty large obsession with Kurt Cobain.
1664932
Well that's quite alright... I don't mind. Did you like my story then?
p.s. why doesn't it say your names when I reply to comments? I don't understand...
1664945 Hmm, it wasn't bad for an OC story, actually. You've got a fairly nice, balanced character. You've got a good plot, I think. I would actually consider following this.
However, you've got quite a few mistakes in the story, mostly grammatical. I didn't see many lexical/syntactical errors, which is quite surprising. It's clear you're a pretty good author, but you just need to brush up on grammar. I'd strongly suggest finding yourself a pre-reader and an editor to read through what you've written already. I'd also advise you to find some cover art for your story; image hooks are quite good at drawing readers in.
1664975
Yeah I'd love to have a cover picture, but I need an artist first... You know any?
Also... my editor has been busier than me these last few weeks, so I guess I kinda need to find a new one...
Please, if you could help in any way, I would very much appreciate it.
1665002 I know of a few, but they're all busy at the moment. Sorry about that... dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_sad.png
Also, I'd love to help you, but I'm damn busy at the moment. I literally just finished another 3,000 word edit that almost took me three or four hours to do. You could look for an editor here, or on one of the other groups on the site!
1665030
....... Okay... I'm still fairly new to this site... all I've really done is read and comment on stories... It's really a miracle that I managed to post this story... Why am I not allowed to post on that thread........?
1665079 Oh, you need to join the group. If you go to the front page, there's a 'Join Group' button!
Users are identified by a number code. Give them a while and they'll update to names.
1665084
Okay thanks 
1665084
You know... looking back at your first comment, a lot of those mistakes might be intentional......
For example, I have written this story in a fashion that almost completely drops the need for lines like
"Then Sunny replied, 'Okay, thanks Applejack!"
Sorry, that's probably a bad example... basically, I wanted to get rid of the need for words like said, mumbled, replied, yelled, etc. and instead use an action or detail of emotion to relay the sentence... Does that make any sense?
1665270 It makes perfect sense. What I picked up on most, however, if the excessive number of capitalised words. You only need to use capitals for 'proper nouns'; you seem to use them quite a lot. Here's an example I like to use:
Pegasus or pegasus? You wouldn't capitalise 'human' in a sentence, and the rule applies to pony races as well. For example, Rainbow Dash is a pegasus pony. See?
This should help for deciding whether something should have capitals or not. There are exceptions, but they aren't widespread.
1665297
Oh... that makes sense, that you would pick up on that, that is... When I saved the three types of ponies into my Word dictionary, it was when I was writing definitions for them, so they were capitalized when I saved them, and every time I wrote them after that, they auto'magic'ally capitalized themselves... I can fix that.
But, I won't decap the 'Sun' 's, the 'Moon' 's, or the 'Star/Stars' 's, because they are important elements in the story and signify each character related to them.
1665326 That's fine. If they play a big role, it's okay to waive that rule.
1665329
Lol... you know what this site needs? Some brohoof emoticons...
1665614 /)
1665618
Yeah... I guess that could work... 
(\
By request, all the way from FiMFiction.net, for one night only, it's the TWE! You demanded it, so here it comes! THE REVIEW!
Veni, Vidi, Vici, Badfic Checklist™!
Potential Badfic Checklist™ (v2.4)
By OtterMatt
(key: Green = pass, Red = fail, black = unsure or median, strikethough = doesn't apply)
Pre-read
Picture of an OC in General Zoi's ponymaker or MSPaintNonsense salad of genre tags
Synopsis that is too long or explains the plot
Summary is full of gramatical errors
Appeal for kindness or first fic excuse
Drawing attention to the writing rather than the story
Multiple chapters under 900 words
In-story
Atrocious grammar
Absent spelling
Boring sentence construction
Wanton cruelty to the common comma
Main character who makes me want to shoot him
Plot that has no business being set in Equestria
Wall-o-text syndrome
Insta-kills
Use of an unjustified alicorn
Unoriginal Human/Brony-in-Equestria
Author insert or wish-fulfilment story
Canon ponies acting wildly out of character
Black-Hole Sue Syndrome
Rating: 2/5 Pinkies
Verdict:
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Some ending thoughts...
Okay, lemee break this down for you here. This story has a few major problems in it, ones that will destroy a reader's immersion before they can get into it.
The things you failed in the checklist:
- First fic excuse/drawing attention. Never do this before your story starts. Let the work speak for itself, and explain afterwards if you think it's necessary. Never prejudice the audience against your work, you're only hurting yourself if you do.
- Grammar. Tense is your enemy here. You flip-flop quite regularly between tenses.
Present, past progressive, and straight into past tense. You seem to drift into present tense in your descriptions. You need to keep it consistent.
- Comma (punctuation).
I know you're probably trying to be clever here by highlighting the repeated word, but take a wild guess how many of those should get a capital letter? Yup, none.
Like so many young authors before you and yet to come, you have yet to learn that when you're writing dialogue, if you intend to continue the sentence after the dialogue is over, you replace a period with a comma. So that means that sentence above should change the period for a comma, and don't capitalize the 'A'. It's all the same sentence, after all.
Stuff that wasn't part of the list:
Okay, sadly, this is where the real meat of the critique comes in. The major problems with this story aren't simply technique-related, it's mostly in terms of your writing style and the direction this story appears to be going.
- You have a bad problem with infodumps. The entire first half of this chapter is just a huge block of test describing things completely devoid of action, dialogue, or plot. It may set the scene, but it's boring. You did all right with the first two sentences, but then you launched into a long, boring list of details. You need to weave these things into narrative, and don't bring it up unless it's important. Ideally, as the reader, we should be introduced to new details as the characters are, and not before. Unfortunately, the only real prescription for this is to read moar. Go pour over your favorite books and stories, and really pay attention to how they handle things like descriptions. Hell, go highlight passages where things are being depicted if you really want the studious experience. I think you'll be surprised by how often details are scattershot across pages or whole chapters. Very rarely do good writers use paragraphs of description, unless what they're describing is blatantly critical to the plot.
- Oh man, I get a bad feeling about this OC of yours. It's the kind of bad feeling that usually accompanies the appearance of a big ol' Mary Sue. You've got a character who no one knows, you blatantly told us that she's got a mysterious background, she wields a form of magic that doesn't exist in canon and probably never could, she has a visually distinctive appearance (with the cutie mark thing, something else that canon doesn't support), and the first thing she does is run into the primary canon character(s). Unfortunately, again, my only practical advice is to run away from this character like your literary life depends on it. Do not get into the habit of writing characters like this. Go to TVTropes.org and read up on Mary Sues, their common traits, and why they're justifiably hated.
I wish you luck, and definitely think on where this story is going and how you want to get it there.
- OtterMatt: TWE Moderator, Storycraft Artist, and Master of Music
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1687976
I appreciate the review, and edits will be made accordingly, the whole first fic thing was meant to come across as a mockery of people who actually use that as an excuse. I couldn't care less what people think, as long they like or dislike the story for legitimate reasons. But, seeing as it mars the story, it will be obliterated.
Grammar and commas have never been my strong point, and I am trying to learn when and how to use them, thank you for the examples.
That tense issue is an easy fix, I noticed it as you pointed it out, again thank you.
As for the whole 'Sun' thing I guess I could keep the capitals to just the base word, but I must insist on keeping those capitalized, my apologies.
The dialogue problem is duly noted and will be edited, I thought I knew to do that, but I guess I failed by that margin.
And yes, while the OC does seem to fit in this 'Mary Sue' category, which I will read up on momentarily, I do believe I have a fairly good thing coming here, I will let the people decide on that one, if any people actually care enough... I don't exactly have high expectations here, just wanting to stretch my wings. So to speak.
I will try to examine some descriptive elements in other stories, and see what I can do to fix that....
Whether this story comes to be the worst fic ever or featured in the box, or just thrown into the abyss to be forgotten by all, I would like to keep to my original plot as much as possible, but I will attempt to justify everything in it. I wanted to write something easy, but with a twist, and this popped up. Basically, it's just a field test, needing as much criticism as possible so I can learn how to write a story through writing a story, if that makes any sense whatsoever...
So essentially, this review was my first real lesson on story writing, thank you for teaching me!
Oh crap, I forgot something, when you say 'draw attention to the writing, rather than the story' was that covered in the descriptive issue? Would you mind elaborating?
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Totally up to you. Like I said, I think I can see what you're going for with it. Style is definitely something that I'm just offering my opinions on. You know where the story is going and what it should be, so follow your path.
This makes absolute sense to me. By most accounts, my first story is pretty damn blase, and looking back at it now makes me almost facepalm at the obvious storycraft mistakes I made. The things I point out should be taken to be large warning signs which say "Big Hole Ahead". It's merely so that you're aware of what can lie ahead so you can step carefully and avoid the common pitfalls.
The main point of this is that anytime you talk about yourself or your writing in the synopsis, you cause bias in your audience. The synopsis is a place to only talk about the story itself, author notes should generally come after the story, either at the bottom of the page or in the first comment. That's pretty much all that means.
If you're really interested in writing to learn how to write, one great way I've discovered is to write very short scenes around a specific concept or writing technique. I've done a few so far, based around ideas like writing a first person scene with no first-person pronouns, or a scene with no dialogue told entirely through nonverbal communication. It's a great way to tune your writing sense to description and technique.
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Thanks again, I will take these to heart, you've been a great help!
1688102 This comment isn't specifically geared towards you, Ottermatt... I just wanted you to see it... Guilty as charged
Yeah... I'll admit, having read that article... My OC is quite similar, though Mary Sue seems to me to be almost too broad, that it is unfair to writers... Generally I get how cheesy these characters can be and I have a very short list of ones don't particularly like, and others that aren't so bad.
My first thing, Sunny Eclipse is in no way, shape, or form me, at all. I simply created the character. Although I do admit to having a pony that does resemble my character a little... I had no real plans to put him in the story... I mean come on, how are you a brony, or pegasister, if you haven't even made yourself a ponysona?
Second, Sunny is far from all powerful, or even flawless, and you will see this as the story progresses...
Finally, I had no plans to give my OC any romantic relations to anypony, that was too daunting for me to even think about... But I am guilty of creating a family member of somepony in the story...