During a sexual experience Fluttershy learns the magic of pain and pleasure becoming one and decides she has to share it with everypony

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ALSO, DAT TITLE

1634067 The pacing is going to be a bit fast throughout the whole story, especially when you consider the topic. She being a generally shy and "repressed" for lack of a better word, pony, everything seems to be happening at once and it's confusing and overwhelming.. I think it's important that gets translated into it as much as possible. Which is why the plan is to have it focus heavily on the big moments, the ones that push her down this road and those moments are pretty intense and a flurry of physical and mental.
Plus being the intro, we kinda wanted to open up right into it and make sure it was clear that this is what we are doing. Think of it like a grouping of mini stories/moments that are all relevant to each other. Each chapter should be almost able to function on it's own as a "quick short" but, if we do it right, together it'll be that much better.

1634383 The title was part of the reason I got in on the story. It was just too cool to pass up.

1634676 I can understand how it's not going to be everyone's thing. I'd agree with you about the pacing if we were shooting for heavy erotica, but we're not. This is going to be (hopefully) well written smut and that gets down to the nitty gritty a lot faster and cuts out all the bs around it. (Not that building character and all is bs, far from it, just using the term) I don't think it'll lose the intensity, in fact if anything I'm hoping it adds to it. Her rollercoaster isn't going to be long and intense, it doesn't fit the personality cycle she has in this or the type of writing we're using.

As for the fandom references that's my fault. What can I say? I just liked the sound of it.

1634636 Emoshy is best Shy.

1634796 I'm not trying to ignore you or your help, I know that you've quite a talent for writing shipping and it's part of what you're known for on here and I respect that. It seems that I've upset you/insulted you, for which I'm sorry. It wasn't my intention. I was just trying to point out this is smut not erotica, it's going to be crass it's going to be fast paced, and it's not going to make a lasting impression like an erotic tale would. It's not going to stand next to the quality of your types of stories because it just can't. People will read this to clop, they'll read some of your tales and they might or might not clop but either way they get a really good love story.

As for the writing that's just how I phrase things. It comes from my focus on poetry irl and tending to break format in preference for moments. (which I admit doesn't always work and comes out as awkward.) I know I'm horrible with punctuation and I'm always trying to improve there. Adding on to that, I have a hard time finding typos in my work unless they're blaring, it's something I'll probably always have to deal with. As For the hollow characterization I hope we can improve that with the upcoming chapters. It's been awhile since I've written as Fluttershy and I'm sure it shows.

1634848 Indeed.

1634997 Lol ya I've heard your name when shipping convo's come up every now and then. Mostly when my friends try and convince me to start reading some. I have read one or two of your chapters on Lavender and I will say the writing is good. It's just, ironically, (esp. considering the context of this post) shipping and clop are two of the biggest things I don't like. I got asked if I wanted to collab and decided I needed the motivator and it turned out to be fun working with somebody else, even if the subject isn't one I tend to enjoy. I'd say the majority of the good writing in this is SilverTongues and I'm trying my best to keep up.

1635059
Appletini get in the skype chat now

The dialogues were adorable!

I like to call her Sluttershy, but that's just me.
Also . . .
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1635084
Yes yes I would!

Dat emo.
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1635090
Thanks for the watch!

1635101
Sure man! oliver.sherren is my skype name

Hi! Remember, you asked for this!

Twilight grinned and began her work, slowly massaging Fluttershys’ marehood with her hoof, caressing the folds as toyed with the pegasus

Missing punctuation. Also?

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Because this is ridiculous. Even in clop for the sake of clop, you need a LITTLE build up.

Twilight grinned and began her work, slowly massaging Fluttershys’ marehood

continued down to almost touch her marehood

Marehood is actually an incredibly vague term. The female vulva is actually a fun little wonderland with LOTS AND LOTS OF STUFF THERE, so you need to be more specific.

Linking instead of posting the whole picture because...because.

Every one of those spots is different with different sensations to them. Even if you just stick with clitoris, vagina, and labia, that will still be a decent mix of Stuff to Do.

lying in a pool of her own juices,

Females aren't males. While females CAN ejaculate, it's actually pretty rare, and definitely does not result in a 'pool' large enough to lie in. The vulva gets slick, and sometimes the upper thighs and ass get wet as well, but that's about it.

“is somepony there?” Fluttershy, lying in a pool of her own juices, scanned the room. Nervously looking for that somepony she was sure was watching her.

Capitalize. And try to avoid sentence fragments.

Realizing she mustn’t attract the attention of the animals around the house she bit her lip. Her scream dying on her trembling lips.

Seriously, stop that. Commas won't hurt you, I promise.

“Good.” hesitating an inch away from her own marehood, she pulled her hoof back and sighed.

Capitalize.

and upon closer inspection, found that the needle was sharp

It's little 'You don't say' things like that that pull me out of the story.

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What if angel had walked in on her.

Angel is a proper noun, and questions get question marks. Moving on.

Her wound had opened up and the blood began to drip in a thin line down her hoof.

Okay, speaking as 1. a female 2. a female that loves pain during sexytimes, this doesn't make sense. Is Flutters a hemophiliac? Because a needle prick isn't really a 'wound'.

Maybe once more, she thought, dipping a hoof down to her now dripping triangle. “Oh... Yes that’s... mhm, hmm...” She let out a short rakish breathe. “Aahooo.” She whimpered and moaned.

her once more alive marehood. Her hoof slowly gravitated towards her yellow lips,

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OH COME ON.

Her body was quivering uncontrollably all over. “Yes!” Her wings shot straight out knocking her away from the bed and down onto her side, as she let loose a deep and lingering winnie! “Ooh yes!” Her stomach shot in and in clean and deep breaths.

This needs a lot of clean up. You shouldn't fap while trying to write unless you're REALLY good at multitasking.

The blood and the steady trickle from down front behind her shaking hoof combined, to make a rose mix that flowed across the cottage floor.

She's going to die if this keeps up. That's a lot of blood.

Congratulations. Her whole body shook once more in a post orgasmic rupture of pleasure. You just lost your virginity... again. She let the words soak in as she splayed out onto her back. Causing her wings to edge slowly back in and against her body.

I'm reasonably certain that masturbation does not count as losing your virginity. If it did, most of the people on this site wouldn't be virgins.

So, overall...this was something. I LOVE SOMETHING.

But seriously-vague terms, almost physically impossible things, and childish mistakes in punctuation and capitalization really made it impossible to get turned on by this. I guess some dudes would like it? Since this was written for dudes by dudes, that makes sense, but you're writing about a female character, so you should really endeavor to figure out what masturbation and sex is like for females.

Because right now you apparently either have no clue or are too shy to write it.

~MidnightDancer, the TWE's cranky mod and clopfic reviewer dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/yay_red.png

1635252 A revision I'm sure will be in order Thanks for the in depth review. We'll do our best to get a little more colorful with the sex, as for these:

"and upon closer inspection, found that the needle was sharp"

All I can say is real life has stupid moments like these. Like any "first time" you notice that kind of thing. When I was given my first knife my first question was, "is it sharp?" (Then again I may just be a stupid little guy lol) It's kind of like when someone asks you to help move a table and you ask, "is it heavy?" or gives you a gun to shoot and you ask "is it loaded?"

"Her wound had opened up and the blood began to drip in a thin line down her hoof."

"The blood and the steady trickle from down front behind her shaking hoof combined, to make a rose mix that flowed across the cottage floor."

It's an on purpose exaggeration. It's going to sound bigger than it is, since it's coming from her viewpoint on the situation.

When we added words like "wound" and "rose mix" it was purposely placed there. She's can't quite understand her love of pain. (even though small being the first time it feels and looks huge) The pin prick is really not a big deal, but it feels that way. Explaining more after taking another quote:

"Congratulations. Her whole body shook once more in a post orgasmic rupture of pleasure. You just lost your virginity... again. She let the words soak in as she splayed out onto her back. Causing her wings to edge slowly back in and against her body."

it's not an actual losing of virginity, it's figurative, as if what she was thinking about, her first time, was relived with the pain/pleasure she is getting again. It's how she currently copes with her budding enjoyment of s&m. The only way she can explain why pricking herself pleases her. The pain she gets from that accidental moment with the needle the first time round, reminds her of her very first time and the pain she felt back then. It stuck in her head and she can't get enjoyment without trying to relive that moment.

That said, as part author I have more than a bit of bias which means if you don't see it that way I fucked up somewhere. I'll try to be clearer later on.

1635420 I don't see it the way you typed it, no. You gave no build up to the situation, so there's no way to really know her issues with it beyond the poorly written dialogue in the story itself. But you can take or leave my crit, but remember, Silver specifically asked for it, and it took awhile, so I'd appreciate you at least taking it on board.

i have the weirdest boner right now

1635475
We are dont worry

1635475 Sorry, once again it appears like I've come off as cold and arrogant. I really do appreciate the review and we are going through the chapter right now and revising like crazy. As for you not getting it, I'm with you on that. It's my fault for not portraying it better and hopefully once the chapter is edited again there should be a ton of improvement.

1636014 it's okay ^^ i just get annoyed when someone requests a review and i get back WELL LET ME TELL YOU WHY YOU'RE WRONG kwim. im glad you're improving it!

1636027 Sorry I should've clarified that I agree with everything you said and my rant was saying "This is how I see it, and if the readers aren't getting that, I must've screwed up."

Good stuff man I took this for what it is good clop with a bit of plot lolz anyhoof I enjoyed the flow it felt a bit fast sometimes but I didn't really mind your spelling was good all together I enjoyed this keep it up ill be watching

1635084 Lol, I think I'll take that pie after all. It just looks too darn tasty!

1636301 Thanks We slowed it down some with the edit and hopefully it makes for a much cleaner and better read.

With the edits, this is much better. There's still a few stray mistakes (eyes don't moan, for instance), but nothing too major. Well done!

1634383>>1635495
I don't know who that guy is, or why he comments so fast, or why it is always that face, but...
OP, that Regidar summarized EVERYTHING. That title, that summary, Hall of Fame stuff right here.

1639202 I do my best.

1634383 dude, you are
EVERYWHERE I AM.
Seriously though, you are on every story I look at.
( I love your comments by the way).

1642135 Thanks. I love how people love me, even though I don't get the same deal in real life. It's kinda the opposite, actually.

1642145 Regidar's distinctive.

1642161alltheragefaces.com/img/faces/png/sad-i-know-that-feel-bro.png

1642242
Wow..... Thanks

1642242 It'll do that to yah.

1642334 That's a really passwordic password.

.1642242 What can a n***a do?
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1642422

1642455
Why so much comments!! I love it!!

1642465 Glad to make you happy!

1642482
Its working!

1642488

Fluttershy now worships Slaanesh.

You know, I was actually eating a banana as I was reading this. I lost my apietite now ._.

Even though I didn't get turned on (well, except for the beginning; everything else was too hardcore for me) I still found this interesting. Good job

I don't even....

1647385
Sorry Guard. But it just happened

my reaction:

1651951
Glad you liked it?

1634636 Gonna read this just for your profile pic

1701180 lol thanks

1703771
We should work on chapter 3 no?