The Day I Sneezed Pinkie Pie

by Dancing Dead

Three chap- oh hell no, I'm outta here...

*A brief ride later…*

Our dynamic duo loudly, but slowly came to a stop in front of the United Bubble Wrap Emirates building. “Huh,” the human studied the architecture of the building, which strangely resembled the United States Treasury Building, “How ‘bout that, it really does exist,”

“Well, yeah! What, you didn’t believe me when I told you?” Pinkie piped up from behind the human.

“No, not really,” Mike shut off the engine and removed the key from the slot. He moved the kickstand back down into place before letting out yet another heavy sigh, “Alright, so how are we gonna do this?”

“Ok, here’s the plan,” Pinkie leaned in close to his ear, “Whisdiispwspisiwsssdsisipspsps,”

“Oh for fuck sake, just tell me,” the two shared a laugh, just like they had many times before.

“Alright, alright, here’s the real one: we’re gonna go in there and tell them to give up the bubble wrap,”

“And if they don’t?”

“We kill them,” she gave him a smile that at first glance would be bright and cheery, but in actuality was one of psychotic glee. She pulled her shotgun seemingly from nowhere and loaded a few shells into the tube, *chk-chk*, “Hehe, this is my boom-stick,”

Mike laughed again and hopped off the bike, Pinkie following closely behind. He felt around himself to check for the plethora of firearms that he couldn’t have possibly carried before. Sensing that everything was in its rightful place, he tightened his mask a bit, then dug around the various bits of ammunition in his pocket for the spare mask he carried with him. Eventually, he found it and playfully tossed it onto the equine’s head, “You might wanna put this on. It’s not like it’ll help keep your identity a secret, but it’s better than nothing,”

Pinkie quickly tied the mask around her face, identical to Mike’s own. She spoke in a slightly muffled voice, “Let’s do this, Rosie,”

“Kay,” was the human’s monotonous response. Pinkie bounced across the street and up the stairs to the large, gold-paned revolving doors. Upon arrival, Mike had the sudden feeling that his partner-in-crime was about to do something absolutely ri-goddamn-diculous with the door, and stopped a few yards short of the entrance. Just as he predicted, when Pinkie used the doors, they began spinning at astronomical rates comparable only to the speeds of the warp drive on the Millennium Falcon.

Shortly after causing a small twister in the street, Pinkie emerged wearing a clown mask which replaced the skull-mask that her BFF or whatever had given her, “This isn’t a Batman movie, you know,” he said, taking notice of the similarities of Pinkie’s newly-acquired mask and the masks that Joker’s goons had worn in the beginning of ‘The Dark Knight’, “Hey Bruce Nolan, we got a problem over here,” he playfully called out to no one.

“Hey! Batman Forever was the best Batman that there ever was! Now come on, let’s get that bubble wrap!”

“Fine,” The pair burst through the door; locked, loaded, and ready to party. Mike began to address the patrons, “Alright everyone, this is a robb-“

“ANY OF YOU FU- hey, there’s no one here,” Pinkie’s eyes scanned the room, skipping over the smokin’ hot receptionist who had an eyebrow raised at the two.

The receptionist raised her hand and fluffed her unreasonably curly black hair before addressing them in a heavy Brooklyn accent, “Ah you heah to see Dick Johnson?”

“Who the hell is Dick Johnson?” Mike lowered his assault rifle and let it hang even to his hip by the strap.

“Dick Johnson is the CEO of this company. Normally when someone busts in heah with a buncha’ guns it’s ‘cause they wanna see him,”

“Um, okay then. Where-“ Mike almost asked ‘Suzy’, as portrayed by the nametag pinned to her red silk top. The buttons holding it almost popped off, barely able to contain her massive bosom. Yeah, I went there.

Pinkie leapt onto the counter and thrust the ‘business end’ of her weapon into the nice lady’s face, whose eyes crossed as she stared down into the barrel of the shotgun. “WHERE’S DICK JOHNSON HIDING?!”

The equine was just about to begin interrogating Suzy ‘Pinkie Pie style’, but her cohort shooed her off of the desk “Let me do the talking,” Reluctantly, she hopped down, “Sorry about that,” Mike began speaking softly in a half-assed attempt at calming down the large-breasted woman, but he suddenly found it incredibly hard to maintain eye contact with her, “So yeah, where’s he hidin’?” he awkwardly scratched the back of his neck.

Suzy, now much more at ease, disclosed the location of this mysterious ‘Dick Johnson’ to the young man, “Top floor, end of the hallway. Elevatah’s ovah theah,” she brightly smiled up at him and motioned towards the back of the room, pointing out two pairs of large steel doors.

“Thanks,” Mike gave her a grateful nod of his head, then called over to Pinkie, who was carefully inspecting a fichus in the corner, “Alright Pinks, let’s go,”

“Okie-doki-loki!” With that, her observation came to a close and she bounced joyfully over her companion, who waited by the elevatah. The button glowed as he pressed it, causing the pony to go into a trance-like state and stare at it with wonder.

A moment later, a distinct *ding!* was heard and the elevatah doors slid to the sides, revealing a luxurious, yet sparsely decorated interior. “Oh, by the way,” Mike looked back at the receptionist as Pinkie hopped into the lift. He paused for a second before continuing, “Nice tits,” he said with a grin.

Much to his surprise, Suzy took it as a compliment, “Aw, thank you sweetie!” she gave him a girly wave and smiled with flattery as he joined the pony in the lift. Once inside, he pressed another button, on which the number 69 was engraved. All was quiet for the beginning of the ride.

“That went exactly according to plan,” Brain broke the silence that had befallen him and his host shortly after they entered.

Totally.

“She really did have nice tits, though.”

Yup.

“I know what you’re gonna do when you’re thinking about ‘em later.”

Didn’t I tell you to shut the fuck up in the last chapter?

“Well, you are.”

Do I need to go all Battlefield 3 on yo’ ass again?

“No, I don’t-“

I NEED A VEHICLE EXTRACTION SOMEONE GET ME SOME FUCKIN’ AMMO GET YOUR DICKS IN THE DIRT THEY GOT A MACHINE GUNNER I NEED A MEDIC I’M GETTIN’ LIT THE FUCK UP JESUS CHRIST GRENAAAAADE!... Suddenly, a chorus of virtual soldiers sounded off inside Mike’s surprisingly crowded skull.

“Alright, alright! Fuck, I can’t do nothin’ around here…”

No you fucking can’t.

“…loud enough in here as it is…” Brain mumbled, vainly hoping that Mike wouldn’t hear him.

FUCK YOU HERE COME THE FRAGS!

“Граната! Ложись!”

lol

“lol”

Growing ever bored with the wait, Pinkie began making small talk, “Hey, do you like Aerosmith?” she asked, her gaze meeting Mike’s.

“Yeah,”

“So you’ve heard ‘Love in an Elevator’, right?”

“Uh-huh,”

“And remember how I said that this was gonna be like The Matrix?”

“Yup,”

Brain, feeling the need to give Mike a warning as to what would happen next, directly violated his orders and spoke up, “Why are you so dumb?”

Fuck you mean?

“I MEAN, do you even know what’s about to happen?”

No, but I take it that you do?

“Yeah, in a few seconds, she’s gonna be on you like flies on shit and then you’re going to shoot the reader in the throat or something for having witnessed it, ya dig?”

I don’t have a shovel, so no.

“…WHAT THE F-… mmmh,” If the human brain could actually facepalm, this one would tear a hole the size of a continent in the space-time continuum. “Alright, how about we use memes to get the message across?”

Memes are amusing, or should I say… ‘amemesing’ HAHA- ok I’m done.

“Oh my fucking… Alright, pay close attention to what I’m about to say… Brace yourself, the steamy romance is coming. Now let that sink in.”

Mike mulled the words over for a bit before coming to a realization. Oh… OOOH, okay. I gotcha.

“God, it’s like talking to a god damn fencepost.”

I NEED A MEDIC I’M GETTING MY SHIT PUSHED IN HERE I’M PINNED I’M PINNED I N-

“For fuck sake, shut up!”

Hehe. The human closed the debate with himself and returned his undivided attention to Pinkie.

“So if this is supposed to be like The Matrix,” her weapons clunked against the floor as she dropped them, “theeeeeen that means I gotta do this,” she pounced on her prey. The pony knocked him into the wall behind him, and before you could say ‘holy twatwaffle’, her tongue had already explored every nook and cranny of the human’s mouth.

Mike was initially surprised, but quickly began to relax into the change of pace. However, he felt that something was amiss and pulled himself away from Pinkie, “Somethin’ ain’t right,” he said as he searched all around the lift until his eyes came to rest upon you. You there, standing in the corner, pleasurably watching this debacle take place. He looked back at his assailant, “Told ya,”

He takes a few steps towards you, unsheathing the guthook knife strapped to his belt as he does so. You quickly turn to leave, but are met with the solid steel doors of the elevatah car. Mike reaches around with his knife and drives it straight into your jugular, and what used to be your blood came cascading out from the gargantuan wound in your throat, giving some of the walls and floor a fresh coat of red paint. The dog tags you wore caught in the small hook on the end of the blade, and the chain snapped the very moment he yanked the knife out of your flesh.

Your lifeless body drops to the floor, spilling more blood out onto the tiles. The man scrutinizes the two aluminum pieces in his hand, “Let’s see here. Nemesis tag aaand… Attack Helicopter Mastery. Not bad,” he commended his victim as he drops the decorations into his pocket.

“See? I told you that this shit was gonna happen.”

Yeah, but you weren’t exactly right.

“Okay then, motherfucker. Enlighten me.”

Alright, so while you were right about Pinkie, were only half-right about the guy that I just killed.

“I said you would kill him, and that’s exactly what the fuck you did.”

No, you said I’d SHOOT him in the throat, so I STABBED him just to prove you wrong.

“…Fuck you.”

OH SHIT THAT’S A GRENADE

“Fuck. You.”

Mike turns to Pinkie once more, “Now, where were we?” the pony giggles as she enbraces him once more…

...I don't care how much you want that to happen, it's still not gonna happen.

“Look at that cocksucker with that machine gun!”
-US Marine, Battlefield 3

“…do you like cupcakes?” she asked, her gaze meeting Mike’s.

“Yeah,”

“Ohmygoshthat’ssocoolbecauseIusedtomakecupcakesallthetimebackinEquestriayouknowifwegothereI’llhavetomakeyousomeandthrowyourawelcometoPonyvillepartyandwe’llhavetonsoffun-”

“Hey look we’re here!” Mike pointed out the glowing red indicator above the elevatah buttons display the number 69. He shook his head, thinking that whoever designed this building had a very immature sense of humor, “Wow, really? Sixty-nine floors?”

Pinkie laughed out loud at the spectacle as the heavy steel doors slid open. A corridor was revealed; decorated with only the finest of luxury design. There were no doors on the sides, just a long, straight hallway with two oak double doors at the end. “Welp, let’s go!” the pony was about to begin her hopping, but Mike held out his arm and stopped her

“Hold up, we can’t just walk in there. We gotta make an entrance.”

Curious, Pinkie asked, “How are you gonna do that?”

Mike grinned wryly at her, “Don’t worry, I got this shit…”

Author's Note:

Merry Christmas.

Also, I need to stop playing Battlefield 3 so much.

Comments

[Brightscales]

Are you going to continue this? Just wondering...

[Dancing Dead]

You bet your sweet ass I am... just not now. I lack motivation or some shit, I dunno. Whatever~

Also.

OMYGODWHEREHAVEYOUBEENIMISSEDYOUSOMUCHIWASSOLONELYANDDUSTYWASMAKINGFUNOFMEANDBRAGGINGABOUTHISSTUPIDRP'S
ANDINEEDAHUG ;-;