Faith

by Unknown-Brony

"What is happening to me?"

It was a sunny day in Ponyville. A certain white mare called Emerald Thunder was sitting on the solitary cloud hovering in the clear sky, watching the ponies beneath her. She looked down into the small town, seeing many ponies doing their daily chores. As she was watching them, she couldn't help but notice a pegasus with lavender coat, who was placing some posters all over the town.

After sitting on the cloud for a while, with the gentle breeze flowing through her emerald mane, she stretched her wings and flew into the town, landing in Ponyville's market, prepared for her weekly shopping. She took her shopping list from her backpack, and after checking everything she needed to buy, she started by going to the nearest baker to buy the first thing on her list, bread. As the mare approached, she could smell the delightful aromas of freshly baked pastry. She looked through the different kinds of tasty pastry, until she found the bread she was looking for. As delicious and tasty as every single type of pastry looked, she had to focus on her job.

“Two bits for one loaf," the baker told her, as he saw her interested interested in buying some. Emerald grabbed the amount of bits he requested, and gave them to the baker, placing the freshly baked bread in her backpack. After she left, she turned her head and thanked him.
As the mare had her head turned, she didn't notice where she was going, and, as a result, bumped into another pony. It was the lavender coated colt she had seen a while ago.

“I... I’m sorry... I wasn't paying attention”, the white pegasus apologized, grabbing the bread that fell on the ground.

“No, excuse me,” the lavender pegasus replied, stretching his hoof out to assist her. She accepted his help, and got back onto her hooves. Trying to thank him, she realized that she couldn't say a single word. Both pegasi kept staring into each other’s eyes, lost.

“Could you at least get out of the way?! In the name of Celestia, get a room!” an annoyed pony yelled, as he was trying to carry his wagon filled with vegetables to the market. The pegasi were startled, and moved out of the way. “Those daydreaming pegasi...”, the pony said once again, as he trotted by them with his wagon.

“My ... My name is Emerald Thunder. Sorry that I bumped into you...” the white pegasus apologized once more, in a shy tone.

“No need to be sorry, it was my fault. I shouldn't have been inattentive. My name is Thunder Runner. Pleased to meet you. Excuse my manners... but, I have to run. I have to put up all these posters around the town by tonight. Goodbye!” the pegasus told Emerald before he left in a hurry.

Emerald sighed and watched as Thunder flew away. After she couldn’t see the pegasus anymore, she sighed once again in disappointment, and went through all the stalls to get everything she still had on her list.

As she stretched her wings, preparing to leave, she heard someone calling her name from the other side of the market. As the mare stood there waiting to see who called her, Thunder came out of nowhere.

“Emerald!” he managed to say, between heavy breaths. “I wanted to ask ... if you would like ... to come to the Wonderbolts’ show this afternoon with me ... as an apology for bumping into you earlier today. It’s not a date, I can assure you," he said, trying not to scare her.

When Emerald realized that the pegasus was inviting her to a Wonderbolts show, she called with an excited voice: “A ticket for the Wonderbolt show? Yes-” But, after she thought about it, she exclaimed, a little worried: “...Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait! I don’t think I can go there with you. You are a complete stranger to me. I don’t even know you!”

A bit hurt, Thunder took a step backward and looked at Emerald. “First of all, I'm not denying that. Second, I was just trying to apologize for my behaviour."

“Thank you, but I’m fine,” Emerald replied with a cold tone, as she trotted away.

When she thought that she had finally gotten away from her 'bumper', Thunder flew in front of her, blocking her way. “Then, at least take this," he said, as he handed Emerald a VIP ticket for the upcoming Wonderbolts show. The mare looked at the ticket and then at Thunder’s serious face, revealing that he wasn't going to back down. Without a word, she took the ticket between her teeth and flew back to her home in Cloudsdale.

When Emerald arrived back at her house, she stored the groceries in the fridge, and looked at the ticket. The show was at 4 PM this afternoon. She wasn’t sure if she would go or not. After a moment of thinking, she turned away and started to make lunch.

After she finished cooking and eating her meal, she looked at the clock. It was exactly 4 PM. “It’s too late to go to the Wonderbolts show anyway...” Emerald thought. She took a look at the ticket once more. The mare closed her eyes and started to think about Thunder. She was thinking about how sad he looked when she rejected his offer to go to the show with him, just like that. The pegasus knew that Thunder had just tried to apologize, but she was still hesitant to go. The mare opened her eyes, took the ticket and ran out of her hut. She had to make it to the Wonderbolts show, no matter what.

*****

As he saw the mare flying away, Thunder sighed in disappointment. "Well, it could've been worse," he told himself, as he flittered his wings to fly off to the Stadium, the Wonderbolt's place in Cloudsdale where their shows took place.

Arriving there, he saw the rows where everypony would sit, except for some special seats closer to the action, reserved for the VIPs. The stadium was nothing he would've expected. Being as shocked as he was, he bumped into a guard.

"Do you have a ticket?" the guard asked on a cold, serious tone. He didn't even move an inch when the lavender pegasus bumped into him.

"Oh... uh... yes!" he exclaimed, a little bit dizzy from the strong bump.

Taking Thunder's ticket, the grey pegasus moved away to let him take his place. "What has he been eating?" the lavender pegasus asked himself, a little sore from the impact with the massive guard.

"Ladies and gentlecolts! We are honored by your presence at today's Wonderbolts show! In a few minutes, Spitfire's team will start their routine. If I were you, I'd buckle up! It's going to be a blast!" the host said. Using some magic, he amplified his voice so it could be heard from all around the stadium.

"Well ... seems like Emerald won't show up after all ... maybe I said something bad, or I might've offended her," Thunder thought, as he looked at his watch. Suddenly, when Spitfire and her team took off, he saw something at the entrance of the stadium.

*****

Emerald flew as fast as she could. After a while, she could see the big stadium in Cloudsdale. She tried to fly faster, hoping that she could still catch the show.

The mare landed in front of the entrance of the stadium, breathing heavily. Running to a guard, she showed him the ticket given by Thunder.

“Sorry ma’am. You are too late. The show already begun.”

“But I need to get in, please!”

“Do I need to repeat myself? You are too late. You have to come earlier next time.”

“But-” the mare tried to say as the lavender pegasus stepped by the guard.

“Don't worry, she's with me,” he said.

Emerald glanced over the guard's shoulder to see Thunder walking up to the guard who was blocking the white mare’s way.

"Excuse these guys... they are just taking their job too seriously."

"I-"

"Come on! The show is about to start!" he interrupted her as he took her to their seats in the VIP rows. Emerald remained silent until she saw Spitfire and her team. The mare’s eyes went big as she followed every single move of the Wonderbolts. Thunder released a sigh of relief. The pegasus was happy that the white mare had decided to come at last. Suddenly, he noticed how shiny Emerald’s mane and tail were. The lavender pony also noticed the mare’s deep, emerald colored eyes. She was... gorgeous.

Shortly after, Thunder said: "Hey Emerald, did anypony tell you how-"

"It started! I'm so excited!" the mare said, followed by a squeal. "I'm sorry, did you want to tell me something?"

"No, no! Nothing at all just ... nothing," Thunder replied, before releasing a disappointed sigh. He then moved his attention to the thrilling show.

As the Wonderbolts kept pulling off their stunts and tricks, Thunder couldn't help himself from taking a sneak peak at Emerald, and how her eyes were glowing as she watched her idols doing some of the most amazing stunts.

"Wouldn't it be amazing to be up there?" Emerald suddenly asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Like... be up there. With the Wonderbolts."

"Yes... it would be..." Thunder replied, a bit thoughtful.

As the show kept going and the Wonderbolts closed in on the grand finalé, Emerald tried to take a sneak peak at Thunder, herself. She was grateful to him. Even though he was a complete stranger, he took her to such an important event just like that, without asking for anything in exchange. She felt something... but she couldn't really put her hoof on it. One time, as she wondered and looked at the lavender pegasus, their eyes met once again. They kept staring, and Thunder couldn't help but notice how deep and beautiful her eyes were. But they snapped out of it as the Wonderbolts took some height for their final stunt.

The crowd exploded in cheers and amazement as Equestria's most talented flying team finished their show with the most amazing, ear-piercing stunt, leaving the ponies in the front rows mute for a while, until they came back to their senses and jumped in joy.
Emerald did the same, and Thunder stood there by her side. She looked beautiful that happy.

After the show, the sun was already setting. Emerald and Thunder stepped out of the arena, followed by lots and lots of other pegasi ponies. The eyes of the white mare were still glowing. The show was a blast for her.

“Thanks for the ticket... And thanks for helping me out with the guards,” Emerald told Thunder.

“It’s nothing, really. I’m just glad you decided to come.”

“Alright then, and again, thank you. But I have to go now.”

When Emerald opened her wings to take off, Thunder called: “Emerald, wait!”

The white pegasus turned around and asked: “What is it?”

The lavender pony looked at his hooves, a bit shy, and mumbled: “I wondered if we could... you know... meet again?”

“Uh... sure,” Emerald replied in a surprised tone.

“Great! I’ll be waiting for you tomorrow at midday, right here. See you tomorrow!” Thunder exclaimed and flew away. Emerald was staring at the lavender pegasus as he flew, a bit confused and unsure about what happened. She shook her head and flew back to her house.

After she landed in front of the door of her house, she opened it and went inside. She went to bed immediately, even though she wasn’t tired. Many questions came into her mind. "Who is Thunder, really? Why did he have one VIP ticket left for the show? Can I trust him?"

‘It is pointless to think about such questions,’ the mare thought. And she was right. "All I can do now is to have faith in him," Emerald told herself and crawled under the bed’s blanket. “Have faith...” the mare mumbled once more.

*****

As Thunder left, he couldn't believe what just happened. He closed his eyes dreamily and started to fly up and down, performing daring nosedives and loops with a content smile on his face. He continued his tricks until he snapped out of it, and came back to his senses. The pegasus blinked a few times, surprised about his offhanded stunts, and started to fly toward his house. While he was flying back to Ponyville, he couldn't stop thinking about her. Her emerald green mane, her deep shiny eyes... Her snow white body... Emerald Thunder. The colt kept daydreaming about her, when all of a sudden, he accidentally bumped into a female pegasus who was coming back from the show.

"I think the sky is big enough for all of us, right?" she asked Thunder, a little cocky.

"I'm sorry for that... I... Was unobservant..."

"Whatever,” the pegasus interrupted him. “Just look where you're flying, okay?” the pegasus said before she left Thunder alone.

“Sorry...” Thunder called. “Big-headed mare..." he told himself, as he saw her disappear into the cloud mantle.

After he arrived at his house, he unlocked the door, and went directly to bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. He felt something, but he couldn't really tell what. At the show, Emerald was so... beautiful. He thought about the marketplace, where he had bumped into her. And now, he was happy that he did that after all.

He went to the window beside his bed and looked at the sky. The colt turned his head towards the horizon, where the orange sun was setting behind high mountains and fluffy clouds.
He threw himself back at his bed and closed his eyes. “What is happening to me?” he whispered, as he couldn’t tame the storm of feelings inside him. He cringed as he heard the echo of a voice that seemed so far away from him, yet it was right inside his head.

“Have faith...” an inner voice told Thunder.
“Faith is all you need.”

Comments

[Unknown-Brony]

1501662 We will

[stillstartrekn]

came here from the FB link an i thoroughly enjoyed it :)

[Unknown-Brony]

1509470 Glad you like both my page and the fic

[stillstartrekn]

1509825
np always show support for what you love or it wont grow

[Unknown-Brony]

1510028
I'm so happy to hear that. Here, have a brohoof!

[N00813]

More introspection, and a growing bond that formed out of friendship wouldn't hurt. That was really sudden.

[Unknown-Brony]

1515649 First of all, nothing happened yet. You are too rushed Saw that in your stories too

[Featherprop]

Not bad. Grammar is decent, but a lot of the conversation felt a bit forced.

I have to agree that events seemed to roll rather quickly- bump, lost in each other's eyes, go to a show, agree to go out... Meanwhile the characters idly wonder "Who is that?" for a moment, but then seem to get dragged along with events.

I would recommend spending some time working on creating a personality for both these OCs- for now, they don't have much difference from your average background Pony. We know one likes bread, the other inexplicably can get a VIP ticket and get you past a guard and has a developing crush, but that's about all.

I see a lot of dialogue and plot being driven by actions and the description of those actions, and that makes it hard to get a feel for the characters- you need to get into their heads and use some third person narrative to let us know what they're thinking, why they think it... some memories to introduce some background without taking a paragraph to drop a bunch of information on the reader.

For example, why was ET sitting on a cloud at the beginning? One particular pony catches her attention, but later on she doesn't seem to recognize him? When they collide, why is she not surprised that she sort of gets lost in his eyes? Does she like it, or does it bother her? She wonders why he has one VIP ticket, but decides the question is unimportant, when really it should be VERY important- if the show meant so much to her AND she's wondering who he is, it could go a long way to creating a background for TR.

On the other side, what is it about her that catches TR's eye, to the point that he acquires a (probably rare) VIP ticket and just gives it to her? Why was he putting up flyers all over town?

You use new paragraphs for each speaker, which helps, but there are some misused words and phrases that don't fit. Overall puncutation looks good- nothing stuck out at me. I would recommend taking some time and spending words on creating the scenese your characters inhabit- some descriptions of houses, rooms... ponies that are around them, time of day, whether it's a familiar place to the characters or not. All this can be used to set the mood or create subtle tension against which the interaction between the characters will be more vivid.

[Unknown-Brony]

1516158 Finally! Thank you for the over constructive critique. Me and my love will look over everything you told us and will try to make the second chapter better. We are editing it ourselves, but none of us is a native. Although, we could use some extra help if you don't mind. If you have time, could you probably be our editor or pre-reader. Any help is great, and we are thankful

[Featherprop]

1516214

You don't speak English natively? Knowing that, I can see why the syntax is not more fluid. With an obstacle like having to learn the language, you've done a good job! One of the problems with English is that to make it sound good you sometimes have to bend the rules and even (very occasionally) break them.

I can offer some help, but the real way to improve is to read, read, read from authors who have demonstrated their ability. There are some good ones here, but I'm also thinking of classic and not-so-classic literature.

Asimov has a very folksy style that is very good for building characters (and I believe he learned English as a second language!). For fantastic engaging and engrossing scene-building, I like Tom Wolfe; The Kandy-Kolored Tangerine-Flake Streamline Baby is an excellent collection of essays that show you can use language to create a scene and define characters. JRR Tolkein is a great English author whose work is still easy to get into (and I assume pretty much everyone knows who he is!) I have always loved Rudyard Kipling's Just So Stories for the playfulness and slightly outrageous characterizations.

So... I guess my point is, see what works for others and experiment and see if you can successfully use it. Even for someone who has grown up immersed in English it can be a challenge (as a quick trip through FimF will show you!) but if you enjoy the written word it can be well worth it.

[Unknown-Brony]

1517234 Well, that is good to hear. I read many fics (almost 1m. words I think), but I had a huge break while I had the national exams last year in the 8th grade. Now that I'm a freshman I have a little more free time.
I'm glad someone is trying to help.

[The Bookieman]

Not bad. I felt it moved a bit fast in the beginning but that's just me. It came together in the end. Keep it up. ^^

[Unknown-Brony]

1601223 Yes, it moved a bit fast, but I'm working on improving so that won't repeat. But thanks!