[Special thanks to my love: http://emeraldthunder11.deviantart.com/ for making the cover, and for writing this with me. This is our first story together and constructive feedback is welcomed.]
There comes a day in everypony's life when he has to take a path. What path will Thunder, a normal pegasi that, like all others dreams to become a Wonderbolt, chose after bumping into a beautiful white mare that gets stuck in his head?
Will his heart prevail? And so, will he be able to say his feelings out loud?
Chapters (3)
1501662 We will
came here from the FB link an i thoroughly enjoyed it :)
1509470 Glad you like both my page and the fic
1509825
np always show support for what you love or it wont grow
1510028
I'm so happy to hear that. Here, have a brohoof!
More introspection, and a growing bond that formed out of friendship wouldn't hurt. That was really sudden.
1515649 First of all, nothing happened yet. You are too rushed
Saw that in your stories too 
Not bad. Grammar is decent, but a lot of the conversation felt a bit forced.
I have to agree that events seemed to roll rather quickly- bump, lost in each other's eyes, go to a show, agree to go out... Meanwhile the characters idly wonder "Who is that?" for a moment, but then seem to get dragged along with events.
I would recommend spending some time working on creating a personality for both these OCs- for now, they don't have much difference from your average background Pony. We know one likes bread, the other inexplicably can get a VIP ticket and get you past a guard and has a developing crush, but that's about all.
I see a lot of dialogue and plot being driven by actions and the description of those actions, and that makes it hard to get a feel for the characters- you need to get into their heads and use some third person narrative to let us know what they're thinking, why they think it... some memories to introduce some background without taking a paragraph to drop a bunch of information on the reader.
For example, why was ET sitting on a cloud at the beginning? One particular pony catches her attention, but later on she doesn't seem to recognize him? When they collide, why is she not surprised that she sort of gets lost in his eyes? Does she like it, or does it bother her? She wonders why he has one VIP ticket, but decides the question is unimportant, when really it should be VERY important- if the show meant so much to her AND she's wondering who he is, it could go a long way to creating a background for TR.
On the other side, what is it about her that catches TR's eye, to the point that he acquires a (probably rare) VIP ticket and just gives it to her? Why was he putting up flyers all over town?
You use new paragraphs for each speaker, which helps, but there are some misused words and phrases that don't fit. Overall puncutation looks good- nothing stuck out at me. I would recommend taking some time and spending words on creating the scenese your characters inhabit- some descriptions of houses, rooms... ponies that are around them, time of day, whether it's a familiar place to the characters or not. All this can be used to set the mood or create subtle tension against which the interaction between the characters will be more vivid.
1516158 Finally! Thank you for the over constructive critique. Me and my love will look over everything you told us and will try to make the second chapter better. We are editing it ourselves, but none of us is a native. Although, we could use some extra help if you don't mind. If you have time, could you probably be our editor or pre-reader. Any help is great, and we are thankful
1516214
You don't speak English natively? Knowing that, I can see why the syntax is not more fluid. With an obstacle like having to learn the language, you've done a good job! One of the problems with English is that to make it sound good you sometimes have to bend the rules and even (very occasionally) break them.
I can offer some help, but the real way to improve is to read, read, read from authors who have demonstrated their ability. There are some good ones here, but I'm also thinking of classic and not-so-classic literature.
Asimov has a very folksy style that is very good for building characters (and I believe he learned English as a second language!). For fantastic engaging and engrossing scene-building, I like Tom Wolfe; The Kandy-Kolored Tangerine-Flake Streamline Baby is an excellent collection of essays that show you can use language to create a scene and define characters. JRR Tolkein is a great English author whose work is still easy to get into (and I assume pretty much everyone knows who he is!) I have always loved Rudyard Kipling's Just So Stories for the playfulness and slightly outrageous characterizations.
So... I guess my point is, see what works for others and experiment and see if you can successfully use it. Even for someone who has grown up immersed in English it can be a challenge (as a quick trip through FimF will show you!) but if you enjoy the written word it can be well worth it.
1517234 Well, that is good to hear. I read many fics (almost 1m. words I think), but I had a huge break while I had the national exams last year in the 8th grade. Now that I'm a freshman I have a little more free time.
I'm glad someone is trying to help.
Not bad. I felt it moved a bit fast in the beginning but that's just me. It came together in the end. Keep it up. ^^
1601223 Yes, it moved a bit fast, but I'm working on improving so that won't repeat. But thanks!