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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Oh man you REEEEEAAAAALLY need a pre-reader... Good chapter, though. A description of their hominid forms would be nice, too.
Pretty good story but there are alot of grammar problems and you could describe the enviroment more.
Your grammar problems are alot of "there" when it's supposed to be "their" and similar words that are spoken the same but spelled and meaning different things. "There" for example fits in this sentence: "She was sitting over there in the sofa" while "Their" fits in this sentence: "That is their clothes not mine"
The description can really be fleshed out alot more, take the end of chap 11 for example. Peter sees the girls and remarks that they are kinda pretty and could pass as humans. Now here you could have described how each girl looked instead of just glossing over it and saying they're cute.
I'm tracking but you'd better fix the grammar atleast since that can be fixed by simply rereading a chap a day after you done it.
Letting you brain disconnect from the story before you edit it is good since if you try and edit directly after it's done your brain is simply going to pick up key-words and using your memory to fill in the rest.
frienzonedhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSwsJtSfyXU
frienzonedhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSwsJtSfyXU
You my good sir are one hell of a writer, keep up the good work and oh yea you might need a pre-reader
362810 Thanks for the feedback, i added a brief description to each of them for now but i'll give off more details as the story progresses.
I could probably be an editor for you.
And I still love this story, it's just that the grammar sometimes gets to me.
Well if she doesn't want him as more than a friend his fair game right? Oh and get this, we all know these ponies personalities well right? So lets say he does something unintentional like be incredibly awesome/ smart etc. and have another one of them unintentionally fall for him. Oh the poor guy would be thorn apart, I mean they are living with only one guy so they're bound to fall for him sooner or later. Hilarity, drama, cat-fights, and suicide attempts ensued HA. Good story man.
The guy above me has you down packed... you probably should up the rating, it'll give us more to work with. And you need a pre reader/editor to help you out because grammar mistakes and un fleshed out sentences are really holding this back from being great. If you want a pre reader/editor, hit me up: sonicx6400sh@gmail.com
370953 Thanks, i send you the next chapter when i'm done.
Oi!
Ya forgot to describe somethings important.
First off: how tall are Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy?
Second off: Even I pay attention to proportions. I don't need detail, but things like "hourglass" or "pear" are important in order to build their body in my mind.
Three: Hair length and style. This should make sense.
Four: Apparent age
Five: We only know the race of Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Twilight. What are the others?
I think that's it...