• Published 25th Feb 2013
  • 4,134 Views, 32 Comments

My Little Innuendos: Sex Jokes are Hilarious - electreXcessive



What happens when ponies come together for the celebration of friendship? Well, sex jokes of course, and lots of 'em! Join us as ponies both young and old get into questionable sounding situations. You know you want to.

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Grandma's Secret Recipe

Apple Bloom awoke early in the morning, feeling alert and attentive. Today was just another day on the farm for her. Waking up early and getting ready for work was an everyday occurrence for her, and she loved helping her family earn their living by working the fields. Things were going to be slightly different today, however; she was supposed to help Granny Smith make the pies using her patented "secret technique."

She ran down the stairs excitedly, happy and eager to spend time with her Granny making those oh-so-delicious pies. Not only that, she was finally going to learn the secret family recipe that had been passed down for generations. Every Apple knew the recipe, and the passing of this great secret onto her would signal the start of her journey into Apple Family adulthood. This was her rite of passage, and she was ready and willing to help however she could.

Her tiny hooves flew like the wind, skipping a few steps as she skidded to a stop on the ground floor. As she struggled to maintain her balance for a moment, she looked into the kitchen, seeing her grandmother happily working away at the pie dough and setting out all of the ingredients they would need to make the treats delicious. Strangely enough though, she couldn't actually see anything too out of the ordinary in the way of ingredients. Maybe it was some sort of spice? Cinnamon or a little bit of nutmeg perhaps?

No... That would just give the pie an overall weird flavor that wouldn't match with the crispy texture of an Apple Family apple pie. Slowly, she inched her way around the corner, eyeing her grandmother working furiously. She had no idea that a pony of her age could be so energetic or enthusiastic about anything, especially with the normal sluggishness that she usually exhibited. Inching ever closer, she rounded the corner and walked into the kitchen.

She observed her grandmother quickly moving about the room, mixing various things and moving others to other counters. She'd never seen her move so fast in her life before now. Maybe she was just excited for this day as Apple Bloom was? After all, it wasn't everyday that she got to teach a the secret recipe to a new family member. Apple Bloom inched closer to her grandmother, who hadn't seemed to have noticed her yet. She decided to call out to her to get her attention; she didn't want her grandmother to finish making the pies before she'd even gotten a chance to help after all!

"Hey Granny, whatcha' doin'?" Apple Bloom asked, tilting her head in curiosity.

"Ah! Apple Bloom! I've been waiting for you ta get up honey! I'm just gettin' everything together for the pies."

"But Granny, I don't see any special ingredients anywhere 'round here," Apple Bloom said in confusion.

"Oh... I have it right here. A lotta ponies don't get ta' see this in their lifetimes," she said, bringing the special surprise out for her grand-daughter to see.

Apple Bloom eyed it with wide eyes. Never before had she seen such a pristine specimen; it was practically shining and radiating, filling her with a sense of wonder and awe. A little bit of spittle and drool began to fall out of her mouth as she began craving its sweet taste on her tongue.

"G-granny... I didn't... Is that...?" her voice trailed of as her grandmother merely nodded her head.

"Yes Apple Bloom, it is. Its juice is what gives our pies its special kick! It takes a lot of care to harvest it, and you have to treat it just right or you won't get what you want. Usually I'm too tired to do it and I don't have as much endurance as I used too... Most of the time your sister and brother have to do this instead. It's a lot easier for them since they're younger too... But... I thought since it was your first time, that you should share this special moment with your granny."

"I-I don't know granny... Are you sure it's alright to do this? I mean, what if I mess up?"

Her grandmother just smiled, patting her on the back reassuringly, "Don't worry deary, I wasn't exactly grade A material on my first try either. Just try your best and we'll both have fun."

Apple Bloom nodded her head, looking back towards the thing that had so easily captured her interest. She eyed it intensely, it looked ripe with age, but still strangely enticing. She just wanted to taste it for herself, but she knew that wouldn't be fair. After all, she had to share its wonderful flavor with the rest of Ponyville! Maybe she'd even be able to earn her cutie mark if she did it well enough! Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle would be so excited for her; maybe they'd even get to try the finished product. First however, she'd need to figure out how to extract the ingredient that she needed for that ultra-special pie filling.

Tentatively reaching out a hoof, she attempted to grasp it. Her hooves were trembling from nervously from anticipation, brushing up against the side of it repeated and causing Granny Smith to frown with concern. She was going to damage it! It was very fragile after all, and the simplest mistake could ruin it. Even with a few years time, she might never be able to have such quality in her special ingredient again!

"C-careful now Apple Bloom! Just take some slow, deep breathes and calm down. We wouldn't want to have any accidents now!"

"R-right, sorry granny!"

Apple Bloom paused to take a deep breath before returning her gaze it. How was she supposed to get the stuff out? She could always try the tried and true method of using her hoof, and if worse came to worse, she could just use her mouth to try to force it out. After all, how hard could it possibly be?

She brought her hoof up to it again, attempting rub at it and get it warm for what was to come. Her hoof rushed quickly back and forth, bringing a raised eyebrow from her grandmother. Slowly she stopped rubbing it and tried to grasp it to no avail. It was just too smooth for her to do anything about, and all of the rubbing barely did anything to get it ready. She needed something else... Her eyes gained hope as she felt a new idea pass through her head. She could use the sink to run hot water over it! That way, it would be easier to actually get the secret ingredient!

"Uh... Granny... Can you come over to the sink and help me? I wanna run some hot water over it to loosen it up a bit, is that alright?"

Granny Smith nodded, noting Apple Bloom's interesting choice of technique. Most ponies didn't want to do it that way. It was sort of cumbersome in a way, and not very effective when it came right down too it. Still, whatever would help was fine with her; it wasn't easy to do for somepony her age anyway. The pair walked over to the sink, Apple Bloom climbing up on to it and looking at her granny. She gripped the hose nozzle extension from the sink, aiming it and firing, getting her granny a little wet in the process.

"Aww shucks Apple Bloom, now ya don' got me all wet!" Granny Smith chuckled.

"Sorry granny, but I just thought it wouldn't be easier this way since ya won't have ta move as much!"

Granny Smith smiled at her grand-daughter's thoughtfulness as Apple Bloom jumped down from the counter, preparing to give it another go. She attempted once more, but her hoof just slipped right off of the now wet surface, providing no leverage for her whatsoever. Now what was she supposed to do? She had exhausted all of her options at this point, looking around the kitchen for anything that she could use to open the gateway to those delicious contents she so desired.

Could she possibly use the tongs to grab both sides and... No, that idea just sounded stupid the moment it entered her head. Maybe she could use one of those special gloves that ponies had that allowed you to get a better grip on things? Frantically, she searched around the kitchen, not finding a single one of those miraculous gloves that could have saved her so much trouble. This was it, she'd have to go to her last resort.

Carefully, she lowered her head towards the object, searching for the point point of attack that she could find. Slowly, she opened her mouth, biting down hard on the outside and causing an excited yelp from her grandmother.

"Be careful y'all hear? It's very fragile!"

Apple Bloom's tongue slipped and slid over the surface, which was a lot smoother than it appeared to be at first. This aggravated her as she bit down tighter, slowly attempting to twist her head to get the contents out. She let out a victorious chuckle as she felt it turning. Her chuckled died out into surprised as it exploded outward, some of the contents spraying out and coating her whole face.

Apple Bloom licked her lips, taking in the sweet flavor of that beautiful fruit, carefully lowering the container to the counter in front of her. It was a miracle that she hadn't managed to actually drop it or break it with that last unexpected explosion. She hadn't expected the contents to be so pressurized, but she was just glad that she got to get a little taste of it before it went into the pie. Granny Smith shook her head with a soft chuckle.

"Didn't I tell ya to be careful? Now you're all covered in the stuff... Oh well, lets just put some into the filling and get ta bakin'!"

Apple Bloom gripped the container in two hooves, walking over to the counter and pouring some of the filling into the pie crust. She smiled with delight as she saw it fill up the tin, and she covered it with a top layer of crust, brushing it in a light spread of butter. Together her and Granny Smith put the waiting pie into the oven, both breathing a sigh of relief.

"Geeze granny, I never thought it would be so hard to open that jar! Usually it's a lot easier to get the zap apple jam outta the jar! That was the best batch that I ever tasted though, Applejack and Big Mac sure did a great job with harvestin' this year!"

"They sure did Apple Bloom. I keep on tellin' em though: they make those darn jars way too hard to open! Gotta put way more effort than ya should into it! Celestia knows how many times I've thrown out my back tryin' to open them things!"

Apple Bloom simply hugged her grandmother, a small smile crossing her face, "I love you grandma... Thanks for letting me do this with you."

"Don't mention it Apple Bloom. I love spending time with my favorite grand-daughter!" Granny Smith chuckled.

"Do you really mean that?"

"Yes I do! But don't tell your sister I said that..."