Ad Astra Per Derpy Aspera

by SparklingTwilight

Ponynaut Dossier: Derpy Hooves

Applicant Dossier #001: Derpy Hooves

---

"My name's Derpy Hooves." The blonde-maned mare nodded, one of her eyeballs jerking ungainly to a side.

After shaking her head, she answered the next mumbled question. "Yes, Mrs. Harshwinny, I did previously use another name. My birth name--Ditzy Doo. But I prefer Hooves. Even though it's an orphan surname. After my parents died of the feather flu, my biological relatives didn't want to adopt me. Since they don't consider me a Doo, I don't either."

Her answers to the next questions were written verbatim in a jaunty script.

"Feather flu. They died of feather flu."

"Health records explain my eye. Sure, though, I can talk about it. An accident detached my retina and then we all got feather flu and I got an eye infection and when the detachment was fixed, my eye was lazy and they said they could maybe do something if we paid a lot of bits, but I still might go blind. I can see fine. I just need to focus on where it's looking. In fact, it's a benefit seeing at unique angles. I have a special perspective. I've caught a few flaws in test equipment that way. It's not a problem."

"Excuse me. Sorry. My mail route has only lost six percent of its letters. It's a good record. Especially for Ponyville. We lose mailponies each year to attrition with all the strange happenstance from the Everfree Forest and whatever horrors seem to be attracted to the Elements of Hominy."

"Sorry, I meant 'Harmony', but hominy's pretty tasty. Not as tasty as muffins, though."

"Yes, some ponies do call me Muffins. I like them, a lot! But that would make it even more confusing--I'd be like, 'Muffins!' And everypony'd be like 'why are you shouting your name?' And I'd frown and say I'd just been asking for muffins. So, the short of my answer is, that's not my name, so I didn't list it."

"No, I didn't know there's a 'safecracking bindlestiff' named Muffins who operates on the Lower East Side of Trottingham. I've never been to Trottingham, except maybe as a foal."

"Yes, that IS just what a criminal might say, but what do you expect me to do?"

"Fine. You were just playing hard to see what I'd say. I don't appreciate it."

"No, I saw just fine out of my eye when your hoof reached out and pretended to slap me. I didn't flinch because I'm used to ponies playing tricks and didn't expect you would strike my head. I didn't think you were a mean pony. But maybe you are."

"It's okay. I forgive you, whether that was part of the official test or not."

"Yes, I have a daughter."

"I don't know the father."

"I don't want to talk about circumstances surrounding the conception."

"I--look at the police records. I don't want to revisit that. Please."

"Yes--they're not detailed but that's all I had to say at the time and it's all I can say now. It's been years. Please."

"No. I have nothing else to say about that."

"If anything occurs to me? Fine."

"I'm not married."

"I've never been."

"Do you really need to ask about sexual activity? This isn't going to be pubic record, right?"

"Public, sorry. No, I'm not trying to be funny. It must have been in my mind because of your inappropriate question, your eggselency."

"Then I don't want to answer it."

"I guess I'm a good-looking mare. You say that to everypony? I mean, I guess to mares, right?"

"You're just being polite? But your voice got softer when you said--"

"I really don't want to answer because ponies will make fun of me. I'm used to that, but my daughter's in school and these things have a way of creating weird situations. She might feel pressured. She already takes on a lot of pressure because I break things and I'm not welcome in a lot of places."

"Yes. I'm still paying off items on an installment plan from when I worked as a mover."

"I worked for a week."

"The ponies were really nice. They let me pay the minimum as long as the interest rate could be triple the original. I'm helping them account for inflation."

"I play a pony named Usury Interest."

"I mean, pay.... You're not going to record that bit about Dinky, though? Me just talking about her getting embarrassed and worrying about her might cause other ponies to bully her. A few years ago, ponies bullied her about her cutie mark and... I'm just talking myself into circles and making things worse. Sorry."

An annotation beside the statement indicated--lack of confidence. Dangerous when isolated in space without support.

"Again with that question about... you know what."

"Fine. I keep talking myself in circles and spiraling like a tornado of tumultuous torment. I'm not sexually active."

"Not since Dinky's conception."

"For real. You don't need to lean toward me. It's uncomfortable. Oof." At this point, the applicant slipped off her chair and fell on the floor. After she recovered: "Sorry about that. But these questions are weird. I can't imagine the Princess--"

"She allowed you to draft them in concert with leading psychologists?"

"So... like Fraud? Psychoticanalytically tracing everything back to... private sorts of things?"

"Yes! I know all about Fraud. At the orphanage, they tried to prod into our minds. We had phrenologists and markologists to help us unlock our true potential and to determine if we had any psychological scars from becoming orphans. Fraud came a few times. When Fraud came, he really... made me feel uncomfortable."

"Yes, I didn't like Fraud's cigar sticking in my face--he did that to you too?"

"No, you just heard? Okay. But it was more than Fraud's disgusting fat cigar.... that pony was so... filthy. Not friendly. Just poking and prodding and tearing into us and he made a lot of ponies cry."

"Yes, I cried. A lot. He interpreted my dreams in really bad ways." Fraud's report, with all its salacious details, was included in the file and had led to a lot of trouble for Derpy especially in the wake of her single motherhood.

"And yes, I've been telling you the truth. I wouldn't lie to the Government. I don't have time for that type of recreation you're implying. I have a young filly at home and I focus as much of my attention on her as possible."

"Not inappropriate attention!"

"Of course, I understand that was a standard screening question, if you say it is. I have no reason to doubt you. Even though you're acting like a bully." A red note appended to the transcript indicated 'aggressive tendencies.'

"But it really is ridiculous." Interview notes, in red, detailed Derpy's aggressive flaring of her wings and another document diagramming pegasus wing behavior was stapled to it as corroboration, with a diagrammed picture labeled "aggressive behavior" circled.

"Foal Protective Services has already investigated me far more than they would the average mare. Just because I was younger and alone and I wasn't great at my jobs and had a difficult time arranging child care and had that legal trouble--it's really frustrating to always be looked down on and treated differently. That isn't a serious problem?"

"Oh, by Celestia."

"She's in school... just not flight school, and she won't be going to flight school because she's a unicorn. Unless she becomes an alicorn. A pony can dream, right?"

"So, the father was a unicorn--"

"Maybe. Probably. I already said I don't want to talk about it."

The interview abruptly shifted focus.

"Of course I have non-pony friends."

"I'd gladly share information with them."

"If it was secret, I'd keep it secret, though."

"I wouldn't be bribed by them."

"Yes... Dinky and I don't have a lot of bits but we don't need a lot. I haven't asked for a raise in years."

"Yes. I haven't gotten the best ratings for performance either."

---

"Fears?"

"What if somepony uses them against me?"

"You can redact those but you can't redact the bit on sex?"

"Because my fears can be used against me? Any part of this interview can be used against me and it will be if my past is prologue to anything!" Derpy broke out in tears.

"Thank you for the hoofkerchief. I don't mind that it's used. I'll use this part instead."

"Fine. I'm afraid of REDACTED. And I don't like being made to feel small."

"No, I don't have delusions of grandeur. I'm not a showoff. I--you can see my evaluations from weather patrol and the Post. There shouldn't be anything like that. And you probably have my psychoanalyst's records."

"Yes, from when I was at the orphanage. They're a bit old. I wouldn't think too much about them."

"No, I don't wet my bed anymore."

"I live on the ground because of my daughter. Not because of a fear of heights. That's wrong. I fly all the time."

"Fine."

"I can get going?"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to spill the water."

"And I'm really sorry my wings are still spread out. I just. It takes a while to calm down. I'm not mad right now. Just worried about what--I suppose this is on the record too, I won't say too much. I'm real sorry."

"It's okay, I'll wipe it up. I've caused enough trouble. Sorry. Sorry. Just a wing here and lean a bit forward and--oopsie!"

"Sorry about the table. And your leg. I just don't know what went wrong."

---

The record was written. Documents included Derpy Hooves' performance and her grades in flight school and elementary school, her performance as a weather pony, as a mailmare, all her jobs. There also were Medical records, describing her wing injuries, lacerations from flying into windows and other structures. And there were recommendation pages, but they were not recommendations appropriate for the program: "She has a good personality." "She's friendly." "She cares about everypony." There was nothing about flight ability.

Most important, the pages noted Derpy's performance in the test program. Sure, she had been the Doctor's main test pilot and sure, she had tested a lot of failed equipment--but that was the key-- it was failed equipment. Equipment as failed as she. The tests all fell short of their goals. When an actually qualified pony took over, now that everything was supervised by the Government, the program was going to be better positioned to succeed.

Thus, the official verdict was:

Rejected for project Marred Mare. ^{(Note 1)}

---

Note 1: "Mare" meaning, as in Old Ponish, "sea"--referring to the cratered "seas" sighted on Marred that first led ponies to believe Marred might contain water, and with it life, and with that life, the possibility of friends!

Of course the first transit to Marred would merely survey the land, focusing on potential signs of habitation. But, eventually a pony would set hoof on Marred and either discover any hidden friends therein.

The project's name was not without its controversy, since Equal Stallion Rights Activists protested since the term "mare" inherently had a dual meaning referring to the female sex, but Operations Director Mrs. Harshwinny held fast against disputes, making clear that opposition to that term was really opposition to Old Ponish and opposition to Old Ponish was opposition to all the wonderful "History" of Equestria. And no right-thinking pony would want to do that.