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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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After finishing this chapter, I simply cannot continue reading.
I could look past the flimsy motivations, the excessively flowery language, the many disregarded writing conventions, and even the grammar mistakes, but this dialogue is simply too much. If you are trying to have it sound natural in any capacity, it fails. If you're trying to go for a more poetic style, then it clashes too heavily with the rest of the fic being written like a normal story.
Furthermore, taking characters from other people's work and twisting them the way you have done in this chapter is already iffy, but acting like your rewrite is better because they "Act like real people" and are more "complex" is disrespectful to say the least.
11919910
That's why the first chapters don't convince me too much, from chapter 5 I think, I realized that my FOE was becoming just another one of the bunch and that those two ideas wouldn't be enough and I said "Fuck that, originality is key" and from chapter 6 or 7 I think I changed my focus to an emo, philosophical, deep, realistic story, inspired by The Matrix + Requiem For a Dream + Silent Hill, Session 9.
That's why the first chapters and the last ones that I have released can feel like the story takes a 180 degree turn so to speak, I was just looking to make my story more original. FOE can be much more than an adventure in a post-apocalyptic world action, gore and sex, with chapter 10 that is more than demonstrated and I feel proud of what I have built.
Now, I don't know when I said that my rewrites were better than the originals, that's completely subjective, the fact that my rewrites defy expectations of what someone would expect from seeing other FOE characters in other stories, doesn't make it a lack of respect. I knew what I was doing, there are many people who have a lot of appreciation towards these characters that they would even put them on an altar and anything that does not align with what those characters should be, they are going to attack you and discredit you (Cof Cof My Littlepip One-shot Cof Cof)
I guess that's how you found my story. If people see it as an attack that doesn't depend on me, this is what fanfiction is about, anyone can take a work and reinterpret it according to your visions as an author, I don't have to satisfy anyone by making these characters glorified because this doesn't fit into my story and I have fun reinterpreting them because most of them are reflections of who the author would like to be (Sometimes thank to this it ruined my experience reading their stories) Something I don't do in this story, not even with Stardust.
People can take my characters and make fun of them and make them suffer if they want, I couldn't care less, and I even would appreciate it because I would basically be giving more attention to my story.
11919957
The ideas weren't really what took me out of it, it was the writing style as a whole. The dialogue is extremely stiff, and the prose is unconventional, but not in a good way. Some things, like changing styles mid-chapter from literary writing to radio play, are jarring for the reader.
As for the rewrites, the descriptions of your spin-off fics are always punctuated by a paragraph where you clarify that it is your interpretation of the character, where they act more like a "real person". This reads as you claiming you can do better than the original creator.
I found your story by randomly browsing the "recently uploaded" section of the fallout tag, and took a special interest in it because it took place in Baltimare, much like my own. I don't have a problem with rewriting other people's characters, what irks me is the insistence on your version being "more realistic". Keeping a character in-character is not glorifying them, it is simply following along with what the previous author set down. Regardless, the warping of Somber's characters is an issue, but it pales in comparison to the other issues this fic has.
With all due respect, I recommend a rewrite, at least of the first couple chapters. And either getting a proofreader or giving chapters an extra couple rounds of polish before posting them.
11919970
What you are saying is completely subjective, that can vary from the reader, I was thinking about having an editor or proofreaders, because I really want my story to be perfect, but my condition (ADHD) would make it very difficult to work with me, because I get distracted too easily when I write and I can't concentrate without doing other things, that's why I don't remember anything that happens in the first chapters. I even forget my characters' names LMAO
What I mean by acting like real people is that sometimes the characters say dialogue so absurd and ridiculous that it took me out of the story, even by MLP standards, mostly emphasizing the sexual ones. For example this dialogue from Blackjack
Blackjack: So, am I going to grow tentacles? A third eye? A penis? Eye tentacle penises?"
For some people this may be the pinnacle of comedy, but for me... This was my face of reaction when I read that:![:ajbemused:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/ajbemused.png)
I don't see the fun in it, this is what I mean, dialogues like these do not exist in my story, of course this can vary, depending on who you ask but not to me.
Obviously I want to emphasize what my story could highlight, that the characters act in a less exaggerated way.
These dialogues would not fit into a story like mine, that's why there are radios, because you are commenting on the chapter where Blackjack and Glory are barely mentioned and in later chapters they become important characters in this story, the entire radio show It was a satire on the Mary Sue trope, I would tell you to read the ones where BJ and Glory are the main characters and their chapters are more serious, but since you stopped reading, now you are left wondering how they REALLY are potrayed.
I was planning to rewrite the first chapters, but I will do that later, at this moment I have no motivation to modify them, if they are going to have changes, because honestly, I don't know how many changes there would be.
11920010
Proofreaders don't need to "work with you" directly. My proofreaders simply have commentator access to my WIPs and leave suggestions or point out errors for me to correct or consider at my own pace.
I don't hold up Somber's writing as the best thing ever created, because it is not. I am not fond of egregious sexual content where it doesn't belong. I simply cannot make peace with the characters being drastically rewritten in this manner. And while I would be interested in reading further, the way in which you write dialogue makes this a pretty tough read.
11920037
I understand, I don't really know how working with other people would be, since I started writing I've done everything myself, and let's say that in the fandom I don't have friends, connections, or anyone to give me a hand. I have to do everything myself, plus I had asked for help in the editors group, but it seems to be inactive because no one responded, so I am completely alone in this project, a shame for an FOE as unique as this, even my current chapters still have flaws, although not as serious as the first chapters, as I already mentioned, nor do they convince me now that I have become more ambitious for this story, because really, my FOE would not stand out at all if I continued writing like the first chapters.
I don't know if I will even have editors and the potential of this story will never be reached, if no one wants to collaborate that is completely out of my hands and leaves me without options.