All Of My Unrequited Love For You

by ButterflyEclipse

The Lonely Letter

When she was released, Fluttershy immediately drove straight to Rainbow's place. In the groupchat with all their friends, Rainbow told them that the hospital let her go and that she'd tell them about what happened at a later time. Even with that, Fluttershy still stood impatiently waiting on her doorstep— just like after every time Rainbow has broken a bone because of her soccer practices or games.

In the form of shivers beneath the cold night, worry paralyzed her thoughts. She loved coming to Rainbow's lively house, but she absolutely hated it when she had to come after Rainbow had returned from the hospital. Fluttershy never hasn't been worried about Rainbow when she got hurt.

Fluttershy knocked delicately cause the doorbell often scared Tank. She waited and waited until she heard footsteps— and then, the door opened.

Rainbow's eyes gleamed once she saw who was at the door. A warm feeling tugged her chest to lean forward. Fluttershy took no second to waste and rushed to embrace her. Rainbow lifted her up— Fluttershy's feet floating off the ground and being supported by only the arms wrapped around her waist and her arms hanging from Rainbow's warm neck. Rainbow breathed into Fluttershy's hair, her heartbeats calming down immediately.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. Are you okay? I wanted to come sooner."

"It's perfectly fine, you still had school." Rainbow closed the door behind them and brought her upstairs to her room where they would sit on the lonely single bed that could still fit the both of them.

"Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah."

"W-why did you faint earlier?"

"The doctors said that it was a mix of insane stress and tiredness."

"Oh. Is this new?"

"I've had this happen once before. It wasn't during school though."

Fluttershy nodded. She didn't know what else to say or do. Rainbow took that step and she quickly said her apology first, "Flutters, I hope you know that you never made my life even the slightest bit worse. What I said yesterday was horribly worded. You being in my life has made it so much more bearable and awesome. I don't think I could have survived some moments without you. I'm so sorry for what I said.

"No, I am so unbelievably sorry. What I said was cruel and you only reacted that way because of my words. You are not a bad person. Despite everything, I know you didn't mean to hurt anyone."

"It's true though. Even if I didn't mean to, I hurted so many people and especially you. I took you for granted so many times. I'm the reason our friendship drove away each time that it did. I know you hate me now, but I need you to hear my apology for not only yesterday, but for the last decade. I am so sorry and I hope one day you can forgive me." The words didn't sound like her at all. Rainbow rehearsed her lines over and over again. The last thing she wanted was to fail perhaps her last apology before Fluttershy never talks to her ever again. She wanted to do it so desperately just a week ago, there was likely chance that she still wants nothing to do with her.

"You think I hate you?"

"You're the one who wrote like ten pages about it."

She saw how confused Fluttershy was until her gaze saw the book at the side table. Part of Fluttershy's heart skipped a beat when she saw a bookmark stuck at the very end of the book. "Y-you read it."

"I did."

"All of it?"

"All of it."

"Rainbow I didn't—"

"You don't have to explain yourself, Flutters. But I wrote something for you too." Rainbow said as she pulled out a letter from underneath Fluttershy's journal. It was four pages double sided. Fluttershy felt like there was a tight wrap strecthing her heart, struggling to beat further. She was overwhelmed by emotions that she swore she would cry instantly. "I was going to send it to you, but since you're here, I might as well read it to you so that you can hear everything from me."

Rainbow unfolded the letter she wrote half an hour ago and read her one and only entry.

---

"Dear Fluttershy, I read your journal— just like you told me to. I never knew that throughout all of these years that you were writing this. My attempt compared to yours is really pathetic. Your journal spans a decade and mine is based on faint memories that hold so close to me.

You have told me your story and your point of view of the moments we shared together. From your perspective, I completely understand why you wanted to leave. My actions seemed only cruel and heartless— and I'm so sorry that I've hurt you this much. For years I hated to see people hurt you, but I am so ashamed to realize fully now that I hurted you more than anyone else could.

All I want to do with this letter is to explain everything you found confusing and answer your questions. I also want to show you my perspective of our relationship since the beginning, like you have. I'm going to base everything mostly on the last entry you wrote as it has most of our big moments.

It started at summer camp, ten years ago. You might have forgotten the name of the camp, but I didn't. I remember it so well. Blush Burrow Camp— that summer was my third year being there. Hoops and Dumbbell tried to intimidate me, but I wasn't having any of it, and they backed off. After, I saw them talking to you, but I just hated them so much that I ignored it. Then about an hour later, I heard that you were missing and that Hoops and Dumbbell were accountable. I didn't know what I was feeling at that age, but now I know that it was guilt. So, I felt that it was sort of my responsibility to find you first and bring you back home.

Deep in the forest, I found you during the darkest moments of the night. I saw your pretty pink hair and the face of someone so terrified. I wanted to do anything to make you feel safe. On the way back, I held your hand and walked with you back to camp. Even in the dark, I saw how you looked at me with hope. You made me feel like a hero.

I thought I'd never see you again after your mother picked you up. Instead, the next day you came back to camp and gave me a present. You gave me my first plushie. A tortoise plushie.

You might have already known this, but my parents always wanted a son. Not a daughter. So in efforts to make up for it, they always gave me toys like action figures with tanks and sport playing cards of old men that I have never heard of which thankfully I did adore, but because of that I never got something like a plushie before. I kept that plushie much longer than any super masculine toy my dad gave me. And you're right. I still have it. I even asked my mom to bring me it while at the hospital earlier.

Anyways, after that gift, I wanted to repay you on your birthday. I made you the bracelet because I couldn't find one that was perfect for you.

Apparently a year after, you were supposed to give me this journal, but gave us walkie talkies instead and we'd talk on them forever. Similar to how we would fall asleep during our eight hour calls once we both finally got a proper phone. You were the reason my phone battery was complaining so much in the mornings. I wasn't complaining though.

Near the end of elementary, I realized there was something about you that made me feel so happy and calm. After sport tournaments and competitions, you were the one place I could go to and take a breather from winning. You still are.

For the longest time, I didn't know people normally don't feel this way with their best friends. I didn’t feel this growing need to be near you at all times, protect you from all harm and be wanted by you with any other of my friends. When I told my grandma about it, she was kind of the reason I realized I liked you. I was scared about it. You both were also the reason I found out that I wasn't straight before I realized what that word meant.

When I told you two years later, I was terrified as hell. I was even more terrified of telling you and losing you than if it were my parents. I told you long before I told them too. But the second I did, you reassured me, repeatedly told me that you accepted and loved me. We were both so young yet you were so grown up and responsible at the same time.

Now, I did have a first kiss, and it wasn't you. I wish it was you honestly. It was Cloudy Spark. Other than you, she was my best friend. I know I abandoned you back then. I hanged out with people like Gilda, Cloudy, Lightning Dust, etc. People who I know bullied you, but I still wanted the glory of being the 'cool kids'. I was stupid back then, I know. I was young and prioritized fame over friends. I don't deserve the element of loyalty, especially with the several times I was disloyal to you and middle school was only the first time.

You deserved this apology years ago, but I am so sorry Fluttershy. I am sorry that I stood beside your bullies and betrayed you like that. If I had known from the start, I wouldn't have ever talked to them. But that's not an excuse, and I am sorry, but I wanted to explain myself a little bit.

One day after school, Cloudy and I got close and we kissed. We dated for two days which I refuse to count as my first relationship. However, I think a month later I saw the lengths her and her other friends went to terrorize you. I truly didn't know the extent that they were hurting you. I thought they were just ignoring you from time to time and gossiping about you, like they do with every other person in the school. Then, finally I found out. I kept making excuses to myself and them, but when I found out everything they were doing to you, I fought with them immediately. I yelled at them, and made them promise to never hurt you again.

When I finally decided to talk to you again, I sat at your lunchtable we bonded like we never faded. We were even better best friends than before. And my crush for you has never been so strong before.

Then came one of the best days I've ever had. The night in summer break— the transition period between middle school and high school. I want to make it clear that I care a lot about your animal ramblings. I know sometimes I may seem like I'm disinterested and bored, but I promise as long as you're happy about it, it's enough to make me care for it. Seeing you so passionate and smiling in golden hour made me officially fall for you. My crush for you at that point lasted about two to three years, but that summer made me fall in love with you.

We both passed our puberty phases pretty early (though you never looked bad). You looked breathtaking under the bright lights of the constellations and the fireflies. You were always pretty, but that night I stared at every beautiful feature you had and that completely took hold of my gaze. It startled me at first when you leaned in. I saw your beauty so close to me and my heart pounded so harshly, I swore you felt it.

I knew I may never have another chance to do it, so I leaned in and closed the gap between us. You didn't move so I suddenly became scared— I don't think you realize how terrified you make me. I tell everyone that I'm not scared of anything: not ghosts, not darkness, not spiders, not anything. But losing you or tempering our friendship is my top three worst fears ever. Which is funny cause I did both four times. And each time I felt like dying.

I was so scared that I pulled away from the kiss. But you quickly pulled me back in, and it was, as you said, breathtaking.

I held your close, and if your heart was beating rapidly, I couldn't tell because mine was having a seizure trying to figure out if your affection made my heart race or calm it down. To this day it really switches up to your benefit— making me feel so much for you it hurts, but in a way I wouldn't want it to change at all.

I didn't think we'd have to talk about the kiss in the morning. It somehow felt so natural to me that I didn't think we had to mention it awkwardly. I'm sorry I assumed that, but I need you to know this fact: that kiss meant everything to me, because you are my everything.

The second time we fell out was, as you said, when Sunset Shimmer came to the picture. She told me that you were the one who outed me to the school on the first week. You knew how hurt I was when my cousin outed me to my family and the hate I got from them, and I felt so betrayed. I sent you the text that I didn't want anything to do with you anymore in response. That time, everything was puppeteered and manipulated by Sunset that we forgot and resented each other. After Twilight Sparkle came, we all became better people and for once I apologized not years too late. Besides now, for the small fallout we had yesterday.

Now, here comes the excuse. The big shitty explanation as to why I did what I did despite the fact that I had fallen so deeply in love with you at this point.

When high-school started, we naturally grew apart, just like you said. Here's what you might have not known. I haven't told many people this because I was so ashamed.

I'm not mentally okay. I haven't been for a long while.

You know that one journal entry you wrote? You said "Rainbow is my saviour, my hope, and my favourite person in the world. She is pretty, athletic, brave and everything that any girl dreamed of being." Turns out, all of those things are the reason I've been so fucked. Just like today, when I fainted. It hadn't been the first time. The doctors told me that it's because of my immense athlete stress levels that I lose consciousness. Because of the threat of it hindering my performance, my mom got me a therapist over a year ago.

With her, I was able to figure out what was wrong with me.

I have become so attached to the Rainbow that is always confident, bold and winning that I'm scared to do anything but win. I am absolutely terrified of the consequences if I slip up and end up losing. My parents are definitely a key factor: they consistently push me to win and do everything possible to come up on top. They were disappointed I wasn't a boy so I wanted to do everything they pleased so I didn't disappoint them any further. My mom has got me to compete in soccer, football, swimming, basketball and volleyball— leaving me hardly any time to study or relax. My dad pays for all my coaches and ensures that nothing impedes my performance. I see them both the happiest about me when I'm carrying a trophy or standing on the number one podium. That has caused me to keep persevering and persisting, but I am now absolutely terrified to place second.

But also, besides them, you were unknowingly a reason as well. Not you specifically, but you said it yourself— you know me as a girl who is athletic, confident, and brave. Your first impression of me was this hero. What if that's all I am? What am I without a medal around my neck and a smug smile on my face? Do I have a purpose outside of winning? Those were the questions that made me go in a spiral and ultimately end up in a very depressive state.

My mother told me before the game started that university advisors would be watching and though I wouldn't be the right age, I still needed to impress them and do the best I could. She made it one of the most stressful games I played. Luckily I work well under stress— well, I used to. I scanned the crowd to try to find the university advisors. I saw you instead.

You hadn't come to my games until the one after Princess Twilight left. I didn't blame you. High school was so busy and I wasn't even able to see you in the halls. So the moment I saw you, my world lit up. You smiled and cheered me on, which motivated me to continue on with my games and impress everyone when I only did it for you.

After the game, I snuck off and avoided my mother and was desperate to find you instead. I pulled you from the crowd and I think I was so exhausted from being stressed and scared all the time that I latched onto the one bottle of sunshine I had in my life, which was you. I should've thought about it or at least talked to you before, but I pulled you into a kiss. I remember I melted into it when you kissed me back because for a brief moment, all the stuff going on in my life vanished. One glance from you made me feel instantly better from my shitty two years.

Then as you said, we unofficially got together. You were the one good thing I had in my life and I tried so hard to hold onto you. I hid you because I thought that if people knew, people would react and the thought of having people invade the one tranquility I had made me selfish. That wasn't fair to you, but I couldn't think fairly at all in those years.

I developed a weird obsession with winning. If I won, people like you would scream my name in celebration, my parents would praise me as their favourite only child and the school could write another win in the history books. If I continue to win, people start expecting me to keep winning and never lose. If I do lose, even once, I disappoint myself, my friends, my family, my team and the school. There were too many people I would disappoint so I over-exerted myself to the breaking point so I would never become a failure.

At that point, my therapist diagnosed me with depression and imposter syndrome. I doubted if I deserved any of the success I was getting if I felt this terrible about it all the time. Then it just became a cycle of misery. I was so close to ending all of this. I have thought of it multiple times. Everything in my life was going too fast with not enough time to practice and study and spend time with friends and win. But I so desperately craved for validation and praise that I kept pushing myself until I ended up fainting and being driven to hospitals. I was so mentally unwell that I knew I reached a breaking point, and had to face the truth.

I came to my senses and realized that it'd be unfair to you to have to deal with everything I was going through. Even if I never told you, I wanted to protect you from everything in my life and it was getting impossible to keep anything good in my life. If I told you— and I know you— you would try to put up with me and I know I would crave into it. I would become completely dependent on you, to the point where my life would end up in your hands. You would end up being my one reason of living. Putting that kind of pressure onto you is such a shitty thing that would ruin both of us, so I knew I had to let you go. I knew I needed to work on myself before I could love you like you deserve to.

That's why despite it being the last thing I wanted to do, I broke up with you after school. I told you that I loved you because in my head at the time, it would somehow make up for it. My past mind was going through so much that it couldn't handle sensible thoughts and actions. I understand now that it was confusing as hell. And again, I didn't want to tell you because I equally was ashamed and that if I did, I knew you would burden yourself with problems that would only mentally drain the both of us.

I also think part of me wanted to hide this vulnerable and depressed side of myself because all I want to see when I look at you are faces of happy and love. I was scared that once you saw that I wasn't the strong and daring hero you met on day one, you'd lose the worth you saw in me. I know it's stupid, but I'm telling you now because I know I lost you already, and you deserve to know the truth.

So after that, I was slowly getting better through therapy. To this day, I'm still getting terrible episodes, but they're less harsh and frequent now. I talked to my mom and she fully agreed to let me quit swimming and football, which helped a bit. She even fought against my dad about it. I think I cried that day.

I thought after what I'd done to you, you'd want nothing to do with me. Everytime we had the tiniest conversations, there was still hurt in your voice, and then we didn't talk for a year. And when Applejack and I got close, I did genuinely start to like her, but I never could commit from my unresolved feelings for you, and I just ended up hurting both of you. You both deserve so much better than what I am and what I did. I can't say sorry enough to make up for anything, I know, but I will try for you both.

And that was everything. Everything that I could possibly explain to you. I know this doesn't really justify the hurt I have caused you, but I just wanted you to know what was happening with me and my side of our story.

I know I was a lot of your firsts. I can't say the same, but I can say that you are all of my favourites. My favourite person, favourite bestfriend, favourite kiss, favourite girlfriend and favourite memories. You know I love you and I'd do anything for you to be happy. If after this, you don't want to see me again and run off to another country without talking to me ever again, I understand.

— Love, Rainbow Dash."

---

The papers were shaking in her hands. Her vision blurred from burning tears, but she had become so numb to her life that she wasn't as effected as she thought she'd be.

Not once since she started reading had Rainbow looked up from the letter. She refused to look at Fluttershy until she was finished. The only thing she focused on was reading her messy handwriting and repeat some of the parts she choked on.

Even now, she was scared to see the sea foam eyes of Fluttershy. She was still always ashamed that she had to see her like this. She wanted to drown— drown in a tsunami and sink her insecurities to the bottom of the ocean, one of a similar hue to her past lover's iris. Rainbow looked at anywhere but at Fluttershy

Her shoulders tensed, but calmed down immediately when she felt the lightest touch turn her cheek towards her and gets pulled into a heartcrawling embrace. This was part of Fluttershy Rainbow's body both loved and hated. So effortlessly, Fluttershy could make her feel every opposed feeling imaginable— her body couldn't decide if her heart raced or calmed down when they touched, or if her breathing stopped or started because of her, or if her mind becomes smarter or dumber when she's around her— and her body gets so overwhelmed with pains and tingles that it makes her fall in love over and over again.

Fluttershy pulled away from the embrace, but kept her hand on Rainbow's cheek. They rested their foreheads against each other, somehow reaching a level of intimacy they have never explored before. Rainbow's eyelids fluttered, and she saw the red in Fluttershy's eyes, contrasting beautifully against her blue-green eyes that made them a work of art.

Fluttershy whispered, her eyes closed. "Thank you for telling me all of this."

"I told you a year or two later." They pulled away, just enough where they could see each other's faces and watch every movement in the other's lips and eyebrows.

"Still, I'm beyond thankful that you told me. I am so sorry if you felt pressured to tell to me because you thought you were going to lose me. I am also sorry that you thought you couldn't tell me. You're right. If you told me, I think it would end up exactly as you said. Looking back I was selfish. In my head I kept asking these questions of why you would do certain things, but I never truly thought about the stress and the problems you might have been having in your life. I am so sorry for being so inconsiderate and blind of what was happening to you and even contributing to it."

"I'm sorry too. For not telling you, even if it might've ended that way, and letting you to believe I didn't care about you. You're the person I care about most and I'm sorry I haven't been able to show it well."

Fluttershy smiled sweetly— it wasn't a bright smile but it was one that warmed Rainbow, "I know I never said it to you properly, but, I love you. Take it in whatever sense you want, bestfriends or more, I just need you to know that you are loved. You are loved because you are you— not the image you put yourself to others. I fell in love with you because of everything that you are, and you are more than a medal around your neck and always confident. I know you are a not always a winner. And though you don't show it often to me or our friends, I love you and without a doubt in my mind you are loved just as much when you score the winning goal of a soccer match to when you get vulnerable and lose a few times."

Rainbow didn't try to fight the rain that rolled down her eyes, falling down into bittersweet puddles. Back in each other's arms, they opened every loose stitch of pain and let it bled out until they bathed in it. They wept every tear and exhaled every whisper of regret. The drunk smell of fearless professions of love pervaded their space, staying in their hair for the remainder of the forgiving night.

Comments

[DragonIdiot]

WHAT THE EORIUH4U9JV5H that was so cute

actually, rd having imposter syndrome sounds rlly interesting