Throughout their friendship, Fluttershy wrote letters to Rainbow without the intention of giving them. This time, she's writing her last one and finally gifting all of them. It'll be her goodbye present for her.
"Maybe we could have continued to be friends. But not in this story. I've decided to make a brave decision like you taught me to, and say goodbye.
— Fluttershy"
Fluttershy wrote letters that formed a journal to give one day to Rainbow Dash. She has written it throughout the majority of their friendship, relationship and heart break. Now was the time she was going to give it to her. Not because she wants Rainbow to know she still loves her, but because she wants Rainbow to know how much she has hurt her. Besides, she doesn't have to stick around much longer anyways as she's planning to move away.
"I never hated anything before. But you've filled me with so many heavy emotions, it's so overwhelming. I don't hate you, but I hate what you did to me. Because of you, I avoid our band practices and our lyric writing sessions. Because of you, I'm losing interest in hanging out with our friends when you're around. Because of you, I'm losing myself. But, you seem fine. And despite everything I tell myself, I'm happy that you're okay. I'm happy that you smile with her. I'm happy that you are in nearly every school club together and you spend all your time with her. I'm happy you could move on because of her.
She's really pretty. Applejack may not be the first person people think of when there's a beauty contest involved, but there's no denying that she's pretty. She has the most beautiful golden hair, stunning green eyes and cute freckles that anyone can notice the moment they meet her. She's also one of the best people I know. I admire her everyday for her hardwork and determination that she has for her friends and family. She has helped me countless times, and I truly hope I have done the same for her. I would never wish any harm or inconvenience to anyone especially someone as great of a bestfriend and person as Applejack. So, please believe me when I say this isn't about her. This isn't about the fact that you left me and then moved on with her. This is between you and me.
I have a question to you: why? Why did you have to be so enigmatic? I thought at the very least you could spare me from further heartbreak, instead of leading me on just to leave me. Because even if we aren't lovers, we're still friends who look out for eachother. Or are we not friends anymore either? I'm tired of keeping track of it. It's burning my brain the fact that you can't seem to decide what you want me to be. Nevermind the fact what I wanted to be to you. But no one listens to poor naive Fluttershy. Not even you anymore.
You've broken so many promises with me. So in return, I will do us both a favour and make my move.
So, I guess I should start at the beginning. Stretch back to the first day we met. We couldn't have been more than eight years old. My mom dropped me off at some summer camp I forgot the name of. I was terrified. Really terrified. The camp was settled deep in a forest. I remember all the massive trees reaching up all mighty to the clear sky and you could hear a river flowing down the years in the remote distance. Some boys named Hoops and Dumbbell found me and saw an abandoned toy in me to play with. At first it was just teasing, but very quickly, they became more aggressive. Once they grew bored of pushing me around, they instructed me to come with them. They had claimed that they were sorry and that they would take me to my mom. Silly eight year old me just wanted to see my mom after that experience, so I agreed and followed them. It never dawned on me that my mom had left already so I followed the boys the entire way. After a while they said they needed to check the route so they left me there. It took me an hour to realize they weren't coming back. It also took a year to understand that they were never going to take me to my mom. They just wanted to mess with me one last time.
I remember how dark the forest was that night. And I was so incredibly scared. Keep in mind that I never discovered the marvel of animals then. So, whenever I heard some scurried noises or shuffled leaves moving, I'd be oh so terrified. I remember sitting on this uneven rock, crying my eyes out. I was alone in the dark, dangerous forest for hours. It didn't matter if my eyes were open or not because I still wouldn't be able to see anything. It was so dark that you couldn't differentiate shadows and figures.
You couldn't have found me without your flashlight. At first you scared me so much, but you quickly began to comfort me. I think you said, "Hi, my name is Rainbow Dash. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm going to bring you back to camp, alright?" Then, we walked through the woods together. You let me hold your hand as you guided me to the forest. Every few minutes you checked up on me and made sure I was okay every step of the way.
There was something about you that made me feel safe. Something that made me realize that you weren't going to hurt me like Hoops and Dumbbell did. When we got back, I remember how you hugged me so that my sobs could calm down. You did that until my mom came to pick me up.
I knew then, that I wanted to see you again. So I asked my mom to bring me to summer camp again the next day. At first, she refused, she said it was a mistake to send me to camp. She was persistent, but, so was I. According to her, that was the first time I've ever threw a tantrum. I wanted to see you so much that I cried and screamed uncontrollably until my mom gave up. She took me to a toy store so that I could give you a present.
I ended up giving you a tortoise plushie. At first you were really confused with your present, but you eventually liked it. Little did we know that a decade later you would get Tank. And I know you still have the plush. I know because I saw it under your bed months ago. That made me feel so much better about the fact that I still have the bracelet that you gave me years ago.
After the summer camp, our parents finally agreed to our endless pleas to go to the same elementary school. Two months later came my birthday. I wasn't expecting anything until you shoved a box in my hands. Until then I thought only family got people presents, so I was even more surprised when it came from you. You were the first person who gave me a birthday present that wasn't from my mom. It was until that day that you showed me that someone could care enough for me to give me a birthday gift when it was far from obligatory. The bracelet is too small for me now obviously, so I currently hang it on my rear view mirror in my car. It makes me feel safe driving whenever I see it.
We had a falling in middle school. We were just growing differently. I was the shy quiet kid that the cool kids always picked on. You became one of those cool kids. It did hurt when you were sat at the same table as my bullies. The ones that called me names and cut my hair before photo day. For some time, I did resent you for that, but just even a year later, I understood it. Looking back, it was just so appealing for you to be in the powerful clique that respects and admires you as equal. And we were so incredibly young that I don't blame you for any of it anymore. I do wish you gave some sort of direct apology, but I'm not holding that grudge against you. Besides, one day, you all of a sudden sat at my lonely lunchtable instead of theirs. We reconnected and it was like we never fell out.
Now fast forward a couple years. Somehow by some miracle we're still friends. Best friends in fact. We'd spend hours together. We were there for each other in our darkest moments. With every passing year, we only grew closer. Too close, to be honest. It didn't take a lot for me to realize what I felt for you. I can't pinpoint the day when I found out, but I know that between the day we met and now, I had developed a helpless crush on you. It's hard to describe, but everything in the world felt quieter and brighter when I was with you. Every time we were together, I liked myself better. I was used to feeling more adventurous and foolish with you, something I never dared doing with anyone else.
Do you remember that night in spring break? Because I do. I remember it too well. Before high school started we wanted to spend another day together. I took you to a trail park where I showed you some types of birds I know you don't care about. Regardless, you still listened to my ramblings despite my eager fascination of animals. By the time the sun started to set, we had already set up a picnic blanket beside the river bank. We were planning to watch the constellations while some fireflies could fill in for light.
That night, you looked at me differently. I can't explain it, but there was this constant knot in my stomach from the way your eyes found mine. I watched as you stumbled over your words and scratched the back of your neck. I took a risk and leaned in. To this day, that was the most reckless thing I have ever done. I risked the precious friendship we had and craved for you. I was terrified in that moment. I became so careless that I was risking all of our previous years of friendship in that one single movement. It surprised me how brave you could make me.
It surprised me even more when you leaned in. You closed the gap between us and kissed me exactly how I imagined you would. You were quite bold, yet kept the contact delicate for me. That first kiss didn't last long as you leaned away for air. Quite selfishly, however, I wanted more. When I kissed you again, it was stronger than the first time. It felt so breathtaking for me. Maybe I'm overthinking or imagining this, but you thought so too. You held me ridiculously close, near enough that you could hear my rapid heart beat pulsing.
When we pulled apart you still had me in your arms. It took mere moments for us to both fall asleep under the stars and fireflies that lighted that beautiful night. Before I fell asleep I told myself that we could talk about the kiss in the morning. When morning came and we hadn't spoken a word to each other, I thought we could always talk about it later. I wish I knew then that we wouldn't talk about it. Not even now. After nearly four years we still never said anything about it. That doesn't mean I don't think about it from time to time.
The biggest strain there was in our friendship was when Sunset Shimmer came to ruin all of us. I was so insecure of our friendship— there was a large part of me who knew you could abandon me whenever you please, as you once did before— so much so that I believed it the moment when I got a text from supposedly you saying you wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I mean, with high school and all, it was natural for us to grow apart. Besides, high school was the only time I managed to make friends other than you so I wasn't as distraught as I would have been before. Then, Princess Twilight Sparkle came and made us give everyone another chance. And then you gave us another chance.
One night after your soccer game, you had pulled me from the crowd. You were restless and not thinking clearly. Which can be the only reason you brought me close and kissed me. It's quite pathetic, honestly, how quickly I accepted it and kissed you back. When we pulled apart, you whispered in my ear, "I'm sorry. It's just that seeing you in the crowd, cheering me like that reminded me how much I missed you. There's something about you that makes me feel instantly better whenever I see you smile."
We never officially said anything about it, but we went out together. Secretly. Never told anyone about us. And, I was fine with that. If I hadn't before, I had definitely fallen for you now. We were together for no longer than a month but it felt like I spent a decade loving you— which, I have. So it completely broke me when you texted for us to meet after school. Despite your words, you still held me comfortingly whilst I sobbed in the crook of your neck. Before I could fathom the idea of us being together after prolonged years, you broke it off. What I didn't understand, and still don't is the fact that your first claim that you loved me was when you were breaking up with me. You said you loved taking nature walks with me, practicing instruments together and napping on the couch on a gloomy afternoon. You said you loved loving me. But that clearly wasn't enough because half a moment later you said you needed time apart. I said I understood and let you have your space.
I let a year and a half go by. We're eighteen now and we're getting ready for college or university. Of course now, you moved on. You're now starting something with Applejack. Everyone knows it. Even some of our teachers have made comments of the fondness you two have of each other.
So why am I telling you all of this? Why am I just recapping our history together when you know all of these things already?
I want you to understand why a part of me is starting to hate you. I hate how easily you made me fall in love with you. You made me feel safe, strong and brave since the very first day I met you. You made my life so much more meaningful and exciting. You showed me that I could be cared for and loved. When I think about it, you were most of my firsts. You were my first hero, first friend, first best friend, first kiss, first girlfriend, and first heartbreak. I know you can't say the same. But, that isn't why I slightly hate you.
I hate that you never talked about our first kiss that night. I hate that after I got over the fact that the kiss meant nothing, you kissed me again after the soccer match. I hate that you said you missed me and needed me after not being there for me when I missed or needed you. Then you had the audacity to ask me out only to break up with me too soon. Not to mention the fact that you confessed to loving me at that moment as well.
Part of me wishes you never said you loved me. That would certainly make things a lot simpler. None of our friends even know we kissed, nevertheless, dated, and I would never expose anything you weren't comfortable with. But now I can't even tell anyone how much I am hurting because of you. The only person I can go to talk about this is you. But, even if I had the courage to tell you all of this, you're too busy with Applejack. I'm writing everything down because I can't handle the burden of all of this nonsense anymore. I even bought a new journal to dump all of my unrequited love for you.
Maybe we could have continued to be friends. But not in this story. I've decided to make a brave decision like you taught me to, and say goodbye.
— Fluttershy"
She tied the last knot. The book was binded together with her meticulous stitches, skills that she learned from Rarity. She could have easily made these pages into proper letters, however, after years of writing, she decided that she would make it into a journal.
Originally, she planned for her writing to be a birthday present, but quickly changed her mind and throughout the years, Fluttershy has written letters to Rainbow Dash, with the mindset that she will never actually read them. That night, however, she had a change of heart. She picked up the pen one more time and wrote to Rainbow for perhaps the last time.
She couldn't remember when she started. Maybe start of middle school was the time she decided to write consistently. Two hundred twenty-three pages. She counted. In the journal in her hands, decade worth of feelings were spread across through ink. She even made a cover for it and everything. She had embroidered her initials at the bottom in small print. For the longest time, she couldn't think of a title for it. Fluttershy didn't know if it needed one. It wasn't supposed to be a professional book or anything, but she still felt like it was needed to at least have a name. She sighed as she thought of one of the most pathetic titles. "All Of My Unrequited Love For You."
Once she settled one a navy blue plain cover it was official. All of her years spent on Rainbow were painfully written in these pages. Now she needed the courage to give it to her. She already imagined the day ahead of her. But, it was going to be easy to give it to her. Because by the time Rainbow Dash reads the pages, Fluttershy would be long gone.
"Hey Shy!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed from the field. Fluttershy had a wrapped box in her hands. She held a sweet smile for her, as it may be one of their last few moments together. Rainbow signaled to her team, letting them know that there is a break. Fluttershy held a breath as she recognized the setting. Both of them were at this exact spot one and a half years ago— where she kissed Rainbow for the third time. "So, what's up? We haven't talked in a while."
And who's fault is that? Fluttershy dared to whisper. She pushed her thoughts aside and gave her the gift instead. "I got you something."
"It's not my birthday, is it?"
"No. I just wanted to give you something I thought you might... like."
"Can I open it now?" Fluttershy nodded and watched Rainbow as she tore apart the wrapping paper. She held her breath as Rainbow opened the box. "A book? 'All Of My Unrequited Love For You' by F.S."
"Do you like it?"
"I think so? I'm sorry I'm just a little confused. Normally Twilight is the one always giving me books. Is this a romance novel?"
"Uh... sort of?"
"Oh, I don't think I'm really the romance reader type. I guess I could try reading it. Just a warning now though, I am a slow reader for anything besides Daring Do. It might take years before I finish this, but I'll eventually read it."
"Thank you."
Rainbow waited for Fluttershy's smile to appear, but got disappointed when she never got it. She searched for her words before filling the silence. "So, how are you?"
"I am f-fine." Fluttershy stuttered. Her vision for the day was already getting off track. She had planned to just give Rainbow the present and leave before she could get hurt further. Her original plan had worked though. She had convinced Rainbow that the journal was some random sappy romance book written by some stranger who goes by F.S. Fluttershy started to wonder how long it'd take for her to realize that the story was about her. It wasn't like it was subtle in her entries. There are some very specific moments that only they could share. It would take a maximum of three entries before she recognizes the story. But as she said, it could take years for her to finally get around to read the first few words.
"I'm glad. I guess what I really mean, is what are you up to now?"
"Not a lot. I'm quite stressed about finding a job right now."
"A job? What happened to the animal shelter?"
"It shut down."
"Wait, what?"
"Yeah. The owners went bankrupt so they had to sell the store and all the animals were taken to an unethical pet store."
"Oh my. I'm so sorry Flutters. When did this happen?"
"Like... eight months ago."
"Eight months ago? That was a long time ago." It was. Fluttershy was miserable for months when she heard the news. Only Pinkie Pie and Rarity recognized that something was off when Fluttershy came to school with a pale face and eyes stained with tears. Luckily, she was able to set up a pet drive in her neighbourhood and some of the animals were taken into loving homes instead of suffering through the inhumane treatment the pet store was inflicting.
"I know. I guess you became busy and we fell apart."
"Do you want to hang out, then? So that we can actually catch up? Are you free on Tuesday?"
"No, sorry."
"Oh, that's fine. Maybe next time." Next time. If there even will be a next time.
"Rainbow Dash!" Pinkie squealed. All three of them were at the local coffee shop. Applejack was sat next to her as she was sipping from her drink. Rainbow and Applejack never made anything official or anything. People around just assumed that they were together and they were fine with it. They have spent a lot more time together over the last year. They are constantly at each other's place, playing video games, doing homework and that type of activities. "Can you pick up some soda and popcorn for the party?"
"There's going to be a party?"
"Well, duh."
"When?"
Applejack answered for Pinkie, "Thursday."
"Uh, yeah sure."
"Okie dokie lokie. I need to stop by the dollar store and pick up some more decorations. You two have fun!" With that Pinkie left gleefully. Applejack moved over so that both of them were sitting on the same couch.
Rainbow looked at her while asking, "Another party? Wasn't there one a few weeks ago?"
"It's for a good reason."
"After I deliver what I have to, do you wanna skip the party with me? I know Pinkie will probably yell at me, but I am really not in a party mood this week. Especially now that my ankle is sore from practice."
"Here, bring ya leg up." Rainbow hesitated at first, but rose her legs so that Applejack could gently massage her ache. "Does this hurt?"
"Uh, not really." Applejack then pressed quite hard, causing Rainbow to groan out in pain, "Ok, yeah now it hurts."
"Sorry. You want to skip the party?"
"Yeah. Is there something wrong with that?"
"Sort of. Did something happen between you and Fluttershy?"
"No. Why?"
"Because I don't know a darn good reason for you miss out this party otherwise. If something happened, you better fix it before it's too late."
"I'm confused. What does this party have to do with Fluttershy?"
"Do y'all seriously not know?"
"Know what?"
"The reason that Pinkie is throwing a party on Thursday?"
"Since when does Pinkie need a reason to throw a party?'
"Point taken. But this party is different from the other ones she hosted. It's a farewell party."
"For who?"
"Fluttershy."
"When were you going to tell me that you were leaving?" Rainbow yelled to Fluttershy. As soon as Rainbow heard it, she couldn't believe it. She needed proof, so she ran over to Fluttershy's place, knocked on her door impatiently. Rainbow was stunned when she opened the door and saw most of the place empty. Paintings were taken down, the animal figurines were gone and nothing but a large suitcase stood in the room.
"I figured someone was going to tell you eventually." Fluttershy whispered.
"You were seriously letting me find out at the last possible moment?"
"Well, Pinkie was throwing that party so I thought it was obvious at that point—"
"No, that's not the point, Flutters. You're leaving and you weren't going to tell me in person?" Fluttershy was genuinely taken aback. For a while, she thought Rainbow didn't care enough to stop her. She didn't expect her to be so affected by this.
"I thought you were too busy and—"
"Stop with those excuses. You could've told me when you gave me that book like a week ago. Or you could've told me when we saw each other a few days ago in the hallway. You had multiple opportunities to tell me."
Fluttershy didn't say anything. All she could do was sit on her couch and stare at the floor. She wouldn't dare sneak a glimpse into those magenta eyes. "...I'm sorry."
Rainbow Dash wasn't going to take it anymore, she sat next to Fluttershy and took her hands, waiting until their eyes meet. "What I don't understand is how you could not tell me. I'm your best friend—"
"I am?"
"What? Of course you are. Why would you think you aren't?"
"Because you've never given me a reason to believe that we are anymore. You've avoided me entirely for a year. For all I know, you hated being around me and never wanted to interact with me ever again."
"Fluttershy... I value our friendship a lot. I will admit, I have been a very shitty friend. There is nothing that can be argued against that. But I don't think I can deal with at least not being your friend. This past decade has been awesome and part of the reason is because you were there. Which is why I am so intense right now. I don't want to have to lose the one constant in my life. And I'm really sorry. I'm sorry that I made you feel anything less than my best friend. I don't hate being around you, I never did. You've truly been there for me countless of times— more times than any other person has. There is no way anyone could replace you or the time we spent together."
Fluttershy couldn't help it anymore. She couldn't contain the tears falling, cascading down her cheek. She felt so pathetic and ashamed. Rainbow tried comforting her by hugging her tight, but that made Fluttershy feel worse. Feeling Rainbow's grasp that never failed to remind her of warmth and safety felt like it had just been weaponized against her. Despite how much Rainbow has hurt her— she couldn't let go of the fact that she still loved her, now matter how hard she tried to stop for both of their sake.
Between quiet sobs and whispers, Fluttershy muttered, "I'm sorry for not telling you. Even if we weren't on the best terms, you deserved to know directly from me."
"It's alright. Where are you moving?" They shifted to a more comfortable position. Fluttershy hesitated letting them be so close, but her last moments of despair craved for a droplet of affection. Rainbow laid back against a wall and let Fluttershy rest on her chest. This wasn't at all considered abnormal. They were both years past the times they'd be shy to be this close. Instinctively, Fluttershy let Rainbow fidget with her fingers whilst she impatiently waited for an answer.
"Um... North Mossbay."
"That's- wow. That's really far away."
"It's where my mom is staying. I'm moving there so that I can take care of her. She doesn't have much time left."
"Oh... now I remember. She moved about a year or two ago, right? She was always so kind and caring towards me. You're a lot like her." A year ago. Another moment where Fluttershy wished she had Rainbow to be there for her. She was not. Instead, she lived truly alone for the first time, isolated by the ones she loved.
"I should've left sooner. That way I could spend more time with her. But, she would always refuse saying that I should give SVU a chance."
"Wait, yeah that's right! You got into SVU, right? What happened to it?"
"I'm going to decline it."
"Wait what? Why?"
"Because I can't afford to pay for rent here. North Mossbay is a lot more affordable anyways."
"You can think of jobs later."
"Rainbow, I don't have much here. The animal shelter closed, my only parent is a few hundred miles away, everyone else is choosing colleges outside of Canterlot. There's not a lot keeping me here."
Rainbow was stuck. She couldn't take Fluttershy from her own mother, but SVU was something she talked about wanting to get into since they were in middle school. She couldn't believe Fluttershy was going to give up her dream school. She remembered the hours they had both sat underneath the stars and talked about their future together. It felt like a time warped happened, where a part of Rainbow doesn't recognize the hollow despair behind Fluttershy's eyes. Suddenly, Rainbow had the realisation,
"Wait, if you move away, I won't have a roommate for college. Didn't we make a promise that we'd share an apartment together?
"I thought we had a change of plans."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I thought after all these years, you'd want a different roommate. Maybe someone you might like better like Applejack or someone else."
"Flutters, do you not remember when we'd stay up all night planning our future? We even took an oath." Rainbow laughed as she recalled how serious they both were. Middle school was a time when the only friend they had were each other. They didn't want to let that go so they swore to always be close— so that neither ever has to be alone. The difference here was that, Fluttershy was always still alone, but Rainbow had friends the size of a baseball quartier.
"Of course I remember. That was the reason I stayed for as long as I did."
"Why can't we still do that? I'm sorry, I just hate for you to not get into SVU. You actually got in. That was a moment you kept waiting for since the beginning!"
"SVU like other colleges have an expensive tuition, Dash. Our plan was to live in an apartment together so that we could both save money on rent for college. Since I assumed we weren't going to be following through with that plan anymore, I didn't see any worth in going to SVU just to eventually drop out because I can't afford tuition. It would be a waste of everyone's time and money."
"Even if I wasn't your roommate, couldn't you still find another one? Not that I am, I'm just not following."
"Dashie... it doesn't matter now. I want to spend the last moments of my mom's life with her."
"Come in!" Rainbow yelled. Applejack came into her room with a stack of mail in her hands.
"Rainbow, you should seriously deal with the hoard of mail piling out the front door. There could be something important."
"Nah. Most are spam anyways."
"So," Applejack started as she sat on the bed. "Did you talk to Fluttershy?"
"Yeah..."
"Which means we're not going to skip the party, right?"
"Yeah, of course we're not."
"Good. I'd hate to miss out on a goodbye." She then shuffled through the envelops and flyers. "Yeah, most of these are junk." She then stared at the last one. It was different than the other obvious advertisements and offers. This one was a letter with a wax seal and everything.
"Blossom Shy? Why does that name sound familiar?"
Rainbow stopped at the mention of the name. She turned to face Applejack who held the envelop in her hands. "Blossom Shy? That's Fluttershy's mom."
"Oh right— yeah the address is from Mossbay too. From the looks of it, it was posted about a week or two ago."
"Can I have it?" Applejack handed her the envelop and watched as Rainbow opened it.
Dear Rainbow Dash,
It has been a while, hasn't it? I do hope that all is well. I am going to be quite direct in this letter. I already have limited time left— it would be foolish to waste any of it.
Fluttershy just told me that she will be moving here after high school ends. Actually, I think she's considering moving earlier than that. I truly think she's making a big mistake doing that. No matter how much I try to talk sense into her, she doesn't see that this would be a grave mistake. You know how much Fluttershy has wanted to be a vet and I'd absolutely hate for her not to achieve that because of me. She deserves to at least give SVU a chance. So I'm writing to you because I was hoping that you could convince her as well. Before it is too late, she should live the life that she has worked so hard towards. Unlike the life that I've lived, I do not want grief to set her back too far. And I know how hard I am making this for her— and believe me, it breaks my heart to not be able to see her one last time— but I know that in the long run, Fluttershy will be much happier and loved. That's what I want above all.
I also have one last request. When I am gone, please take care and look out for my daughter for me. I know you have already done that since you were both seven. Fluttershy would always tell me how much she admired you like a hero. She would constantly boast about how you saved her from her bullies and other mean people. You cared for her so amazingly in the past decade that I know that you will do a great job caring for her now. I am sorry if I am putting a lot of pressure on you, but I know when I am no longer here, Fluttershy will need you.
I do not want to pry and ask why you two are not talking to each other anymore. I just know that one day, you hurted her, and that really affected her. But it has been clear since day one that she still loves and cherishes you. So, please Rainbow Dash. As my last dying wish, apologize and make up for whatever young mistakes you have made and continue to be the beacon of hope for Fluttershy that I know that you have always been.
— Kind regards, Blossom Shy
Rainbow felt her entire body tremble. She couldn't let Fluttershy go now. Not after her mother had made it her last wish for her to stay. She didn't realize a tear had escaped her eye until a hand swiped it away. Instinctively, Rainbow flinched when they made contact, causing Applejack to back away.
"I-I'm sorry, AJ."
"It's alright, Dash." She said with a hidden frown.
"Can you call Pinkie? Tell her we need to change plans for the party."
"Uh, yeah. Why?"
"Because we're not going to throw Fluttershy a going away party. We're going to throw a different kind of party."
The sound of her phone calling drained out. She was now impatient. Why was she not picking up? Maybe she's just taking a nap or looking at the flower garden. Her mind was ambushed by excuses that she never thought of the real possibility that on the other end, there might be no one anymore. She threw away the possibility and was insistent on getting an answer.
She felt at ease when someone picked up the call finally. "M-Mom?"
"I'm sorry." The other line spoke softly. A voice she did not recognize. "Blossom Shy passed two hours ago. I wish you all of my condolences."
Horror tripped in front of Fluttershy's eyes. "W-wait. What?! No. She said- she said she had more time."
"Yes. However a month ago, she was informed that her time may be shorter than we thought."
"A month?! Why didn't she or any of you tell me?"
"Because she did not allow us to tell you. Legally, we are unable to share the health status of our clients without their written consent. She said she wanted to spare you the burden of witnessing her passing."
Time turned to eternity flew by— each passing second threatening to brutally break Fluttershy. Her mom was dead. She was an orphan now. She knew that she was going to die any day now and she refused to tell her own daughter. Even after the lost of her father at a very young age, her mom never explicitly told her. One day, he just wasn't there. The empathetic compassion in her heart skipped beats.
She still remembers the distraught and heartbreak her mother went through, watching day by day her lover be taken away from her grasp and losing parts of him everyday, starting from his body to his clothes showing up in the laundry to his smell on his favourite spot on the couch. No matter how hard she tried to keep him alive in her life and pretended he never died, there was a stronger force that trapped her to remember and repeat the moment when colour escaped her lover's eyes. She wanted to spare her only daughter the pain and torment of seeing her loved ones perish in front of her eyes. She withdrew as an act of compassion. Fluttershy understood it. Which was what made her even more frustrated. Frustrated at her mom, herself and maybe her dad as well— creating a family reunion of blame. Maybe her dad had decided it was time to reach back for his lover.
Fluttershy didn't know what to do with her emotions. Her life had become lost at sea now. With no anchor, sails or way home, her vessel would succumb to the deepest of storms. Fluttershy has never had the easiest life— her dad passing, constant bullying, unstable best friends, all of it— nothing compared to the pain growing like a tumor on her heart. All she wanted to do was flee. And she did. Abruptly, she ended the call and left running.
"Alright! Do we have everything ready?"
"I don't know about this Rainbow." Twilight commented. "Are you sure this is what Fluttershy wants? It's her decision whether she stays or not."
"No, this is what she needs."
"Why do you think you know what she needs?" Sunset asked in the most genuine way she can.
"Because I know her better than anyone else. I know that if she doesn't take the offer, she will regret it for the rest of her life."
"This isn't an easy choice, Dash. She's choosing to be with her mother or stay here for SVU. If she goes to college, who knows when's the next time she will see her." Twilight added. "I just want to make sure that you have Fluttershy's best interest here."
"Of course I do. I always will."
"Uh, Rainbow? Who else did you invite?" Applejack asked.
"Just the six of us. Why?"
"Because someone's walking up the driveway." Following this was a faint sound of a knock. Rainbow Dash sighed as she went down to open the door, expecting it to be a delivery person. She was shocked when Fluttershy stood there at the doorway.
"Oh, uh hey Flutters! Um— w-what are you doing here?"
"Hi." Rainbow immediately sensed that something was off. Something about the way she said that single word made Rainbow question her supposed smile. "Are the rest of the girls here? I saw Sunset's bike across the street."
"Yeah—" Without anything else, Fluttershy went past her and went up to her bedroom. The rest of her friends were shocked as well to see her before the party.
"Oh, Fluttershy, darling! We were just planning your party. I promise we were going to invite you to plan things out, but we figured that you were busy with packing and all of that." Rarity explained. Rainbow, now caught up with Fluttershy, was standing right behind her when she says,
"No need for the party, girls."
"Aww why?!" Pinkie exclaimed. "I promise this won't be a loud crazy party! We just want to be able to say goodbye the proper way!"
"We won't say goodbye." Fluttershy muttered. "Because I've decided that I'm not leaving."
"Wait, what?" Rainbow was the first say it. Immediately after her whole group of friends huddled around her, hugging her tightly.
"Goodness gracious." Rarity said, "I am so relieved that you're staying."
"Still, we can still have a party right? Because now, we actually have something to celebrate now!" Pinkie yelled as she squished Fluttershy until she struggled to breathe. Eventually she let go and Fluttershy strangely went limp. Rainbow was quick to catch her right away. As it were an instinct, her arms caught grasp of Fluttershy before she could fall to the ground.
When Fluttershy could stand, her stance still felt unstable, Rainbow noted as she saw a glimpse of agony escape her face before she concealed it with a smile. "T-Thank you."
"Great timing for you to tell us, Shy." Sunset commented, "We were just changing all the plans to a 'yay you're staying party' anyways."
"W-What do you mean? Why would you throw that kind of party if you didn't know if I was going to leave or not?"
"Well, let's just say that Rainbow was still determined to make you stay." Applejack said this time. Rainbow looked at Fluttershy guiltily.
This was what Rainbow and her mother wanted. Rainbow wanted Fluttershy to stay here, so why was she not happy at all about this?
Maybe because the look rested on Fluttershy's face did not compensate for any amount of happiness Rainbow felt. She looked around to her friends. She couldn't tell if the others had noticed the slight change in her. It was her slouched back, her trembling fingers and her ghostly red-stained eyes. It was the way that she took an extra breath before saying every sentence. It was how all the light and hope that she had in her body had disappeared in a mere gaze. Fluttershy was mere moments away from breaking down— it just wasn't obvious to everyone except Rainbow. Rainbow could see it if she was blind and was in a room wielding nothing but beautiful darkness. Something was terribly wrong. She had never seen her with so much sadness in her skin.
"Hey, Flutters, I just realized that I still have your— I mean, since you're here can you...," Rainbow kept hesitated, thinking of an excuse, "...come downstairs with me and check up on Tank?"
"Oh is something wrong?"
"Just come with me please."
Though lying was never and never will be Applejack's strong asset, she has developed to know when someone may be lying to her. She can easily sense when Apple Bloom was lying about doing her chores correctly or when Braeburn was making up some elaborate story to boost his pride. With Rainbow Dash, she could see the swift in her body language and voice. There is also the strong possibility that people like Apple Bloom and Rainbow are just terrible liars in general, but still, Applejack knew that Tank was fine and that Rainbow just wanted a reason to be alone with Fluttershy. She decided to not think much about it, but noted it in the back of her mind.
Tank looked at Fluttershy wide eyed. Incredibly slowly, a smile appeared on his face.
"Hello to you too, Tank." Fluttershy giggled as she picked him up. "How are you?" Even without a geode, she could tell that nothing was bothering the tortoise. She then looked up to where Rainbow stood, confused.
"Yeah sorry. I just— needed an excuse. Tank's fine. I've still have him on that diet you recommended me."
Fluttershy nodded blankly. She immediately knew why she was downstairs alone with her friend. Why else would they be? Her eyes started to swim in overflowing tears. Suddenly, her sight grew blurry, blinded by the vision of grief.
"The reason you're staying... don't get me wrong I love that you're staying but, I can't help but think that if you're willing to stay here it's so easily is because— well. I-Is she...?" No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't bring herself to say the words. Her mind screamed at her to say that simple yet cruel word, but she couldn't. No word or implication could've croaked out of her throat. It didn't matter anyways, because from the way Fluttershy was breaking in her living room, it answered her question.
"T-Three hours ago." Fluttershy stuttered out. Rainbow grimaced at the colossal amount of pain she was in. Faster than she could think, she wrapped her arms around the broken down girl freely letting Fluttershy go limp in her arms.
Fluttershy sobbed more, still not moving from her position. In the quietest little squeak she choked out, “R-rainb-bow?”
“Yeah, I’m here Flutters. I'll be here every moment you need me to be.” Rainbow said in the softest voice that anyone has ever heard her. Grief and agony weighed them both down, forcing Rainbow to sit on the floor, her back pressed against the edge of her couch with Fluttershy always deep in her arms. Both were now sitting underneath dim lights, trying to cry their pain away. Rainbow gently caressed her hair as Fluttershy continued weeping into her faintly blue neck.
They were taking a while. All the girls needed to go now, and leave to their own homes. The only way to do that was to go from downstairs to the front door, past the living room. So there was no outcome of them not seeing those two on the ground fully embracing each other. They had both fallen asleep, but their arms were still around each other, keeping them close. Fluttershy's face was nuzzled in the side base of Rainbow's neck and her arms wrapped around her waist. Rainbow's hand was holding her head up as her elbow rested on the edge of the couch. It seemed like a very uncomfortable postion for both to be in, but they were still peacefully sleeping with each other so close.
Applejack felt her friends stare at her. They had all expected that her and Rainbow were a couple by now. Applejack took a second to close her eyes and breathe normally before resisting to her loud urges. Instead, she went back upstairs to Rainbow's bedroom and brought down a blanket to cover both of them for the night. In a quiet whisper she spoke, "Goodnight you two." and turned off the remaining lights.
All of her friends went off their separate ways now. Applejack had softly closed the door and locked it with a backup key Rainbow had showed her the location of. Once she placed the key back where it was hiding, she went off on her sage green jeep. While driving under the lonely streetlights, she had time to think about Rainbow Dash. Did she like her? Yeah sure, she liked her. Were they ever really together? She couldn't really tell. It was more that the people around them pushed to this narrative that they were and they never corrected them. Then, Applejack thought about the time she had spent with Rainbow Dash recently. Though they were both together for a considerable amount of time, Rainbow always felt hesitant. Which was why she had a hard time answering her own question: Did what she saw earlier bother her a lot?
Seeing Rainbow and Fluttershy so close felt strangely familiar. Despite them not talking for quite some time this past year, it is hard to ever surpass their foundation of trust and bond. They always come back when the other needed them to. Even when she saw them together in the living room, though she felt sparks of anger and jealousy, it didn't last long. Why? She wondered to herself. Maybe it was because Rainbow never felt present in their relationship in the first place. Whatever the reason was, she knew she had to talk to Rainbow Dash soon about this.
"Yeah sure, AJ. What's up?" Rainbow was sitting on Applejack's living room couch, rereading Blossom Shy's letter again and again. "What did you want to talk about?"
"About us."
"Oh..." She shifted awkwardly in her seat, "If this is about last night, Fluttershy and I were just hugging and accidentally fell asleep. I promise that—"
"That ain't what I wanted to talk about. Well sorta, but not entirely. I think it might be best for us to end whatever this is between us."
"What? Why?"
"It always feels like you were never present in this relationship. It's like you'd rather be somewhere else. Or maybe with someone else."
"Is this about Fluttershy?"
"You tell me." Applejack regretted her words, "But it also doesn't matter. I don't know if something happened between you two, and it'd make a lot of sense if you guys did— but that still doesn't justify your behavior."
"My behavior?" She now stood up, "Applejack, I do like you."
"Are you sure you're not just saying that?"
"Why would I be lying?"
"It doesn't necessarily have to be a lie. It's just you barely show any feelings towards me. You are always hesitant when it comes to me. Like when I offered to massage your leg you were pretty damn reluctant. And whenever I touch you— even if it's for a slight second, you flinch. You can't even be comfortable around me or show any signs of content when you're around me and here you are telling me you like me?"
"No- I- I'm sorry. I'm sorry I reacted like that. I truly am. I never wanted to hurt you."
Applejack studied her face. She sighed and tilted her head back in frustration, "I believe you." She groaned cause she knew that Rainbow meant it. None of it was purposeful, but part of that hurt more than if it were.
"Are you okay?" Rainbow asked delicately.
"I think a part of me knew that you didn't like me as much as I liked you, since the beginning. But o'course, I was too stubborn to admit it. I told myself that maybe romance just isn't something you show too often. Pretty soon, it was easy not to have feelings when there was nothing to attach itself to. All my feelings were to a person who was barely there. I know it's a different case for ya and Fluttershy. It might be subtle, but I see the feelings you have for her. You do show romance, it just wasn't towards me."
"C-Can I explain myself, first?"
"Go on."
"I know you prefer the truth so... I'll just say it. I did love Fluttershy. I don't know if I still do. I tried to move on from my feelings for both of our sake, because I hurted her so badly. Mentally I was in a terrible state and by the time I felt better, it would be nearly a year that we wouldn't interact. And then, I'm now in a happier state. When we started hanging out a lot more, I realized that I did feel something for you, but I wasn't able to tell what it was. I think I knew that I liked you as a best friend and someone who I could spend my time with and not get tired of. But when Fluttershy and I slowly started talking again, I realized that my feelings for her are completely different. But now— I just don't know anymore. She means a lot to me. Of course she does. I've known her for more than a decade. When I found out that she was leaving all of a sudden, I got really scared. I didn't want to lose her."
"I understand, Rainbow. Which is why you should go and talk to her now and tell her all of that. If not for me, do it for her."
"I know. But I also don't want to lose you as a friend, Applejack. I don't deserve a single sliver of your time and I have been the greatest asshole of the century. I have messed up so many times and I don't deserve your forgiveness. But if by chance, you'd be willing, I will spend the next decades trying to make things right."
"You won't lose me as a friend. If we can get past the time Sunset tried to mess with us when she was still the mean gal before, we can get through this. I don't doubt it. Just give me time, please. I promise I'll come around, I just need time."
"Thank you Applejack. And take all you the time you need. Again, I am really really sorry."
"It's alright. Now run-along to Fluttershy, Dash." Rainbow threw a hug onto Applejack before leaving swiftly. Applejack sighed as she laid back on her couch. She was a strong person, she was bound to get through this. She gave herself another minute before burying herself with chores to take her mind off.
"Hey Twi, Flutters is staying with you, right?" Rainbow asked, she took off her bomber jacket and let it fall on the doorway, where she normally puts it at home. Twilight, however, in minimal movements, picked the jacket up and took it to another room to hang it. When she came back, only then she replied.
"Yeah. She's staying in the guest room for now. Do you know what happened to her? She seems— how do I put lightly-—unstable?"
"She'll tell you when she's ready. Can I check up on her?"
"Of course! Spike and I will be running a quick errand while you're gone. Could you lock the door from the inside?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Thanks. I will be back in a bit!"
And once again, they were alone together. Fluttershy couldn't quite describe it, but she could tell from the way the person breathed and the way their footsteps dragged the ground ever so slightly that she could recognize as the one and only Rainbow Dash. Her voice gave it away exponentially. She was convinced that she could sense Rainbow even if she had only one sense left— whichever one it was. Well, perhaps not taste, but then again, she still remembers how her lips pressed and tasted against hers, and the love kisses she traveled her body curves with. However, the memory was starting to feel foreign, which she knows it should. Months ago, she should have started forgetting the smell and touch of her hair or the taste of her lips or the sound that she makes when she wakes up or the sight of her eyes when they're in love, but deep down she couldn't find it in herself to let them go.
"Hey," Rainbow spoke softly. Fluttershy turned around and returned with a slight smile, "What are you doing?" She saw the notebook and calendars spread across the twin-sized bed.
"I'm trying to plan for summer break and next year."
"What do you got so far?"
"I still want to go to North Mossbay so that I can attend my mom's funeral. That will have to take a few days so I may have to skip a day of school to make it. After that, I have school to figure out. Assuming that SVU even wants me anymore considering how long I'm taking to accept to their application, I will need a roommate because I really can't afford rent."
"Are you kidding? SVU will definitely still want you. You can legit talk to animals like you're some magical fairytale princess. They wouldn't miss out on opportunity like that. And I think there are some perfect roommate options, as well."
"I mean, I already asked some people and three people have said they will think about being my roommate."
"Who?"
"Vinyl Scratch, Bulk Biceps and Pinkie. Vinyl is certainly the calmest and perhaps best option out of the three. Her and I could still write and compose songs which would be fun. Thing is, I would feel really guilty if I end up being roommates with her, especially when her and Octavia are so close. I know they were trying to become roomates as well. With Bulk, I don't know. I've been to his place for a small project and every room was very messy with heavy weights everywhere and a protein shake spill in at least every room. I need a roommate who will keep some kind of maintenance and will clean up after themselves. Now, Pinkie— she's slightly tough. I mean friends wise, her and I are definitely the closest and it may be fun to be roommates with her. I just fear that she will host too many college parties and make a very anxiety-inducing environment for me."
"Are you really going to sit there and not think about the most obvious roommate?"
"Who? Am I forgetting someone?"
"Me. You're forgetting me."
"No, of course I didn't forget you."
"Then why—" she pointed to the clutter, circling it with her finger, "all of this?"
"Aren't you and Applejack going to be roommates?"
"Um. AJ and I sort of broke up."
"Oh... I'm so sorry."
"Don't be, it wasn't your fault. Well—" she stopped herself before she could say more, but Fluttershy caught on. She immediately started to panic. A tsunami of guilt drowned her. "I mean— even if we were still together, I don't think that would change us being roommates."
"Oh, I thought— are you sure you don't want to be roommates with someone else? Maybe Sunset or Soarin?"
"Who else could I possibly be able to live with for months if not years? Only you, Flutters."
"But, what if we became too distant when we stopped talking—"
"Yet we're still talking like old pals right now."
"I just want to note it in case..." Her words drifted away. She felt pure guilt slip down her throat, her lungs filling in with bitter remorse and drowning in resent.
Something shifted in Rainbow, a cold-heart realization that slipped through her head, "Flutters, do you not want to be roommates with me?"
She sat still, she couldn't bring herself to look at her friend. If she could even call her that. No. She fought in her head. She was still her friend. Maybe not the best one, but one nevertheless.
Rainbow stuttered. "H-have we changed so much that you don't want to be roommates with me anymore?" She knew it was a stupid and desperate question, and a part of her was dreading the answer since before she asked it.
"I'm sorry Rainbow. A part of me does want to be roommates with you. I mean our plan in middle school was perfect. You would have been the perfect roommate to have. I would have absolutely loved living with my best friend through college."
"So what changed?"
"Us."
"What about us?"
"Our friendship."
"Aren't we still friends?"
"I don't know, are we?" Fluttershy felt her words slip up out of her mouth. She hated that her frustration was taking advantage of this moment, but she couldn't help it. Before she could think thoroughly, she spoke back, "Cause it really feels like we aren't anymore."
"What do you mean? Of course we are."
"And how am I supposed to know? You stopped talking to me for an entire year after you broke up with me! You let me suffer completely alone for months! My mom got sick and had to move away— the only family I had left—, the animal shelter shut down— I lost my job and my animal friends— and I lost my bestfriend to a break up I can't tell anyone but you. Were you expecting me to be completely fine that you brushed that off like I was nothing? I don't want to be roommates with you because you hurt me so fucking much." Rainbow flinched at Fluttershy cursing. Fluttershy never cursed. "I tried to leave to North Mossbay without you knowing because I thought that if I never saw you again, then the pain would have to disappear then. Because you know know what the worst part is? It isn't about how you keep abandoning me time and time again. It isn't even about how you broke up with me within the same sentence that you said you loved me. It's how you completely acted like I never existed. It was the way that you acted like we never met. Our friendship was just so easily disposable that it didn't matter to you— I didn't matter to you."
"I'm so sorry for hurting you and abandoning you. Of course our friendship matters to me. You matter to me so much."
"Well you don't make the effort of showing it. I don't know what happened to you Rainbow, but you've been a terrible friend and an overrall bad person. You've hurt me, your old middle school friends and now Applejack because of your inability to maintain longer meaningful relationships. You can win all the soccer championships or other special medals all you want, but if you keep casting aside people who care about you, soon no one will want to." Though Fluttershy was not yelling as much, her tone turned bitter and ultimately the harshest she has ever been to Rainbow. Once her own words registered to herself, it left her speechless. Guilt pinned her tongue to the bottom of her mouth.
That was the worst thing someone has ever said to Rainbow. It was true, goddammit. The words coming from a source such as Fluttershy hit harder than any other comment made about her before. She'd been told that she'd be doomed to an eternity of hell by her religious aunt when she was outed by her cousin. Her aunt used to be her favourite family member. Her teacher humiliated her in front of the entire class, asking her if she was stupid for not being able to solve a mathematic equation and reprimanded her for not knowing the answer. Her dad in a heated argument, wished he had a loyal son than the disappointment in front of him. But being told that she is a bad person and that soon no one will want to care about her, bruised her like no other. Because people like her distant relatives, her teachers and even her parents, she expected to be disappointed in her. Part of their job description is to bring out her potential and exert it to the fullest. But her friends? The only people she has to cling onto? They were the people she begged everyday not to lose. Especially Fluttershy. Ironic, isn't it?
Something within Rainbow snapped as well. Her emotions got the better of her and forced her to shout, "Do you think I had it easy? Do you think you were the only one crying that day we broke up? I'm sorry for ignoring you, but I had a fuck load of shit going on in my life that people, including you, added onto every day. I didn't have the time or the stability to make our relationship work no matter what I tried. Again, I'm sorry for breaking up with you the way I did, but you're not the only one hurting! I had the worst time of my entire goddamn life when we were dating so I'm sorry if I wanted to move on from that time." Rainbow realized how the last part sounded. It wasn't what she intended to say, but it was far too late.
Fluttershy choked on her tears and she struggled to breathe. Dating her was the worst time of her life. Rainbow's words ringed her ears, aching her head to the ground. All of her words were so contradictory it made Fluttershy feel crazy. She doesn't know what to feel anymore when she looks at Rainbow. She's the person she loved the most. She's hurting this much because it is still true.
"F-Flutters." Rainbow gasped. "I-I didn't mean it like— I can explain—"
"Did you read it?"
"What?"
"The book I gave y-you. Did you read it?"
Rainbow was now utterly confused, now with tears of her own. She felt like a baby crying about a light that is too bright. A baby who cries at confusion and hates it when it hurts her. Her entire body feels sensitive— like if she were to fall, her head would explode from contact.
"No, I haven't."
"Just as I predicted." Fluttershy brought herself up, picked up a bag and started to head towards the door.
"Where are you going?"
"I'm sorry for what I said." Fluttershy cringed at how emotionless and disingenuine her apology was. "But I think we still need time to cool off for me to give you a better apology."
Fluttershy knocked softly, it would have been almost unheard if Applejack wasn't already on the other side. When she opened the door, she was surprised— truth be told, part of her was waiting for Rainbow to come back even if she knew she wouldn't. She was hoping for that slight chance that Rainbow changed her mind, and chose to love her instead.
"Fluttershy?"
"I'm sorry for coming here like this. Are you busy?"
"I've a few chores left, but I got a break right now. Come in." She invited Fluttershy up to the living room where they would stand in ticklish, daunting silence. It echoed throughout the room and painfully scratched their limbs.
Fluttershy was the first to speak, "I heard from Rainbow that you aren't together anymore." She then went through her bag and pulled out a tub of ice cream and two spoons. "Being friends with Rarity for so long helps in these situations. Don't worry I bought two tubs."
"What flavour?"
"Vanilla. I figured you'd want to pair it with apple pie and caramel."
"That would be just about perfect." Applejack went to the kitchen and Fluttershy followed as they prepared two dishes. "You didn't have to do this, Shy. I'm not that attached to relationships as Rarity. And that's not an insult to Rares, it's just I handle breakups differently from hers."
"I know, but it's still a breakup. I thought you might still want a friend." Fluttershy gave a sweet smile.
"I appreciate it," Applejack smiled back. They brought their plates to the living room, where they sat on the couch whilst taking a bite into the delicacy. "I don't mean this in a bad way, I just thought that'd you'd be consoling Dash over me. You are closer to her than you are to me."
"You're still one of my best friends, Applejack. I was going to come here regardless. I would have brought comfort bunnies, but as you know, the animal shelter shut down. Though, I will admit that the reason that I'm partly here is because I'm... frustrated with Rainbow."
"What did she do this time?"
"I think it just built up over the past several years. It started from her wondering why I wasn't considering her as a roommate and we had a fight. I said terrible things. She said them back."
"How do you mess up a love confession that badly? I mean, I might be partly to blame. I did send her over to you after her and I broke up."
"Wait, what? I'm sorry if this is insensitive, but I have to ask, was I the reason you two broke up?"
"Nah. Well— Ultimately, no. Rainbow and I fell out a while ago and we just broke up officially today. I think the reason Rainbow fell out was because of you." Applejack couldn't help it. She loves Fluttershy as a best friend. They bonded greatly through her farm animals and such. But despite it all, she couldn't help feeling resentment towards her. Applejack feels so guilty having this grudge, but if she doesn't, she doesn't have anything or anyone to blame for her hurt.
"Because of me?"
"Yeah, whatever happened to you two before maybe got resurfaced yesterday. When Rainbow found out you were moving away, she realized that you still mean the world to her."
A moment of realization stunned Fluttershy as she took recognition of their conversation, "Oh my. Applejack I'm so sorry. I came here to help you, but all I've done since I've gotten here was talk about your ex. I am a terrible consoler. The entire reason I'm here is to hopefully make you feel better by not thinking of Rainbow, but I'm just making it about me. Applejack, I'm so sorry."
"Calm down. It's alright, Shy. No, really it makes me feel better that you're here trying to cheer me up." Applejack smiled, but part of her hated it more. Why of all people, did it have to be the nicest person? The kind of nice that you can't hate even if a deep part you wants to. "Did you like her?"
"Huh?"
"Rainbow— did you like her? Don't worry about my feelings, I'm just curious."
"We don't have to talk about her."
"I'm the one asking. I don't mind."
Fluttershy sighed and looked down. "Yes, I did. Maybe I still do. But I'm not going to act on them, I promise. She's your ex, I couldn't live with myself if I did that to you. I already hate myself for letting our friendship fade because you two were together and I was selfish. I broke so many girl codes, Rarity will be furious at me.", with sparking-teared eyes, she continued, "I'm sorry that I hurt you. I absent-mindedly avoided you this year like Rainbow did to me because I was jealous. You're beautiful and so admirable. Anyone would be ridiculous not to realize it. I don't deserve your kindness or forgiveness, but I do want us to stay friends."
It took longer than it should have for Applejack to say her thoughts, but finally she was able to vocalize them. "Shy, it isn't selfish to want to love and be loved. Don't put it against yourself, especially because of me. I'm starting to hate myself for holding a grudge against you, but you're not at fault. It wasn't anyone's intention to hurt each other. And I know Rainbow didn't want to hurt us. She's not a bad person." She had to pause, collect her following thoughts. "From what I know, you like her, and Rainbow likes you back. I don't see any reason to be against that. Neither should you since I'm okay with it. Even if you act on your feelings with Rainbow, we will all still be friends. I promise that much."
"Are you sure? Even if you are at a slightest discomfort—"
"Fluttershy— it's okay."
"You definitely deserve the element of kindness more than me."
"Stop downplaying yourself." She gave Fluttershy a comforting, prolonging hug, "There is not one person who is more deserving of the element than you."
"T-Thank you Applejack." Fluttershy stuttered.
"Now, I know I said what I said, but can we stop talking about Rainbow Dash, now?"
"Oh, yeah of course." She said wiping her tears away with a smile.
"Great," Applejack said whilst taking a bite of the apple pie, but the salty taste of a breakdown logged in her throat soured the piece. "So, you're staying in Canterlot. Are you still planning to go to SVU?"
"Yeah. I still have to find a roommate at the very least."
"So, what made you stay here? I know Pinkie tried her absolute best to make you stay and you know how she gets when she is determined. It seemed that no one could convince you to stay."
"Oh," Fluttershy started to fidget with her spoon, "plans changed in North Mossbay,"
"What do you mean? Weren't you going there to stay with your mom?"
When Applejack didn't get an answer, she looked directly into Fluttershy's sea foam eyes and saw an ocean expanding.
After the mention of her mom and now the pearlescent waterfall down her round cheeks, she knew that when she was hugging her, she was holding herself ten-years ago. She recognized every second of it. She saw herself in the way Fluttershy lost it at the vague mention and how her tears would fall until her own body would be too exasperated to whisper a single word. I know, Applejack whispered in her hair. She herself knew the pain of losing her mom at an always too young age. She started to cry as well when she remembered all the non-existing moments both her and Fluttershy will now have. No proud parental figure to watch at highschool graduation or carry down the aisle if they can ever figure out a love life. No mom who can pass down their jewelry so that their grandchildren can inherit them. No dad to set up the bed in the college dorm room, never showing too much emotion, but just enough to show that he cares. No one to run to when life gets rough and feel safe in the arms of family in a way that's hard to replicate with someone else.
For years, she had a life barely anyone could relate to. Apple Bloom was too young and starting from that point, Big Mac never said too much. She had never felt so utterly alone in her life. Regardless what she did— the kitchen where her mom would make pancakes or the garden where her dad assembled the chicken coop— the memories stained bittersweet, permanent bruises of what she lost. She remember nights where she would be so afraid that her dreams would be filled with memories she will never be able to recreate again, but still, she craved to see them, even if it wasn't real. Then when she'd wake up, she would cry all over again when she runs into her parent's bedroom and sees empty space where her love used to be.
Fluttershy's dad passed away at a very young age. It was like Apple Bloom. They can picture their faces, but nothing else. Applejack couldn't imagine Fluttershy's situation. Being in such a big family, every Apple had a story to tell about her parents, reshaping the view of their parents and molding into phantoms they could look up to. Sharing the same grief with dozens of people did feel comforting. It felt like a community when it was the time of their funeral and their memorial. It was just when it was just her, Big Mac and Apple Bloom, that no one could comfort her correctly. Granny Smith was the best she had. Knowing them for all of their lives, it was her only salvation. It broke her heart, when she started to forget the memories. Her age confined her knowledge of the people solely to records and the love letters her parents sent to each other.
But Fluttershy— her mother is the only family she knows. No one to share that pain with. No one closer to tell stories at their funeral beside her.
They remained silent and sat on the couch until the sun came down and the fatigue from crying dragged them down. It had just then dawned on Applejack that this was what happened last night with Rainbow and Fluttershy. She had never felt more guilty.
"A-Applejack?"
"Yeah?"
"When will it not hurt anymore?"
"From losing a mom? Never. There will always be a sting in your heart whenever you hear her name or see bracelet she used years ago. But, it does eventually get better. I remember in summer camp with Rara, she was the first person I could really open up to about my parents, besides my family, since they passed. In that moment, it made me feel like I was finally healing because I finally felt not completely alone. I know it will be hard, but grieving will only get better once you let people you trust be in your life and not to just vent but also help you mourn along the process. I know because that was when things actually got better for me."
"I am so sorry you had to go through that."
"Fluttershy, I know Rainbow can be annoying and frustrating at times, but I think you know better than I do how much she means to you. You need to let people who you trust like ever-so-loyal Dash in your life when you need her the most."
"Thank you, Applejack. I can't ever thank you enough."
"I'm just glad I can be the one to make this better, because it will get better, you just need to grieve surrounded by those who care and love you."
Rainbow waited until she heard Twilight unlock her door. It hadn't been too long since Fluttershy left. Twilight was perplexed when she saw Rainbow laying on her couch as if she lived there for months now. "Rainbow? Where's Fluttershy?"
"I have no idea. I thought of leaving, but I don't have a key to the door. I figured it'd be safer if I stayed here in case of anything."
"That's thoughtful of you." Twilight unhooked the leash that was attached to Spike's collar. Even if he is insanely domesticated, he still gets tempered at the sight of a squirrel or a really crusty white dog. "Well, you're free to leave now, if you'd like."
"We had a fight."
"Huh?"
"Flutters and I. We had a fight before she left."
"Oh, may I ask what it was about?"
"I guess I wanted to be roommates because that's what we have always wanted to do since we were in middle school. Now she doesn't want to be roommates with me and it became a thing where she'd question if we were even friends anymore. Then in the moment, she said some things and I said some stupid things." Rainbow blankly explained, "Here's what I don't get. Right after, she told me to read this book she gave me a while ago."
At the mention, Twilight suddenly grew more intrigued. "A book? What book?"
"It was called like 'All of My Requited Love For You" or was it unrequited? But why would Fluttershy bring that up right after we fought? I didn't get to explain myself because she brought that up."
"Maybe it means a lot to her. I know with my books I am very attached to them." Twilight took off her coat as she continued her train of thought, "Oh, maybe she's using the book to tell you something."
"What do you mean?"
"When I was little, I'd give Shining Armor books to show what I'm feeling without actually telling him. I don't know if you know, but I was a very untalkative person. I didn't even want to talk to my own brother. So, when I had to tell him something important but too complicated to explain, I gave him a book to show him exactly what I was thinking."
"That seems complicated."
"I know. But it worked most of the time. Maybe the fact that Shining Armor was adequately smart and my brother helped." Twilight stated. "Now, the book Fluttershy gave you. Who is it by? I could've sworn I read all the local books around Canterlot. Non-local books can't have a title that long unless it is destined to be renowned."
"The author is like F. S." She saw Twilight frown at what she had said, "What?"
"That's odd. I've never heard of that before. I mean of course they're just initials, but I don't know many names starting with the letter F. I think I know three people with names that start with F. Do you know the author's full name?"
"I haven't even read a single page, how am I supposed to know that?
"Oh, then you must do that first."
"Fine. Thanks Twi. I'll see you later."
"Can I borrow the book after?"
"Maybe."
The thought remained in Twilight's mind for a good while. The three people she knew with names that started with F was Fluttershy, Fleur and Flash Sentry. Fleur has never enjoyed a book in her life— even at Crystal Prep, reading was never on her priorities even if it was for school. Flash would've told her every detail if he had done it. He would have taken notes from her, asked her out to the diner for some editing help. Now, Fluttershy— she was the one who gave it to Rainbow too. Initials match near perfectly.
Now of course, there is always the possibility, that there is another person that the author is, but Twilight slept well that night knowing the feelings Fluttershy could potentially unravel to Rainbow.
"Dedicating this book to my best friend. I'm sorry that this is my goodbye...
First time writing in this journal. This won't be a normal diary, though. It will be all about my best friend in the world. I'm planning to write in this so that I can give it to her on her birthday. I'm not entirely sure which birthday. Her 10th is coming soon, but I don't think that's enough time to write all I want to say. I guess I should refer her as 'you', since you'll be only one who will be reading this. This is stupid, but when I originally had thought of the idea, I thought it was perfect.
Where do we even start with you? You are loyal, caring, bold, confident and everything I always wanted to be. I can't even be jealous because you are just so amazing. I could always count on you to be there. Even when people started to bully me at our new school, I thought for sure you would abandon me. But you didn't. Instead, you fought the bullies and almost got held back seventh grade. Thankfully, you didn't. I couldn't imagine a better friend than you. I hope we remain to be friends forever and ever.
Today at lunch we had strawberry jam sandwiches and a ladybug had landed on your bread. You flailed your sandwich and it was the first time I had gotten mad at you I think. I'm still sorry for raising my voice, but I wanted you to stop terrifying that lovely ladybug. If it was anyone else, they would have laughed and continued it anyways. I know, because they've done it. But you're different. You actually listened to me and understood how important the bug was to me. Then you made sure the ladybug was safely on a leaf before tearing the part where it touch your sandwich off. I know it was a small moment, but it really meant a lot what you did.
I might keep writing our memories and keeping them forever in this letter/journal. I can't wait to see your reaction. Until then I have to think about what to get you for your upcoming birthday. You're just such an awesome person that it is hard to think of a gift that will amount to what you are. I hope that whatever I get, it will be as special as you.
Not the longest first entry, but I have a lot more words to say about you, and a lot more pages to fill."
Rainbow felt like she heard this story before. She doesn't know why, but it felt familiar to her. Ignoring that feeling, Rainbow was terribly confused. This was the book Fluttershy wanted her to read? Was this an autobiography about some person's best friend? It was fitting, but she didn't see the reason to gift your best friend a book about the experiences of other best friends. The book was also long. Weirdly enough, there weren't any page numbers, but if she had to guess, there were around a hundred fifty of them.
Rainbow took Twilight's advice and started reading "All My Unrequited Love For You". It was... fine. It wasn't her style of reading. She preferred more action-packed openings that lead the reader wanting to learn more, like Daring Do. Those books have thrill and an exhilarating adventure. Autobiographies or romance were genres she never particularly liked. She considered ditching the book to read Daring Do and the Sapphire Shore once again. But she couldn't turn the first page of Daring Do without a stab of guilt cursing her. She let out a groan and she opened the first book again.
She had to keep reading the book Fluttershy gave her. It clearly was important to her, and Fluttershy is important to Rainbow. Especially after their last conversation, Rainbow had to prove to Fluttershy that she means something in her life. Fluttershy thought they weren't friends anymore. Then, stupid words were said and Rainbow essentially said that being with her was the worst time of her life. She didn't mean it in that way. She had said the wrong words in the wrong order and it all just ended in tears.
She was going to read the book. All of it. She was going to keep reading and seeking out the words until she knows what Fluttershy is trying to say to her with this book. It might be futile and utterly useless. However, for the sake of Fluttershy, Rainbow was willing to try.
The country girl yelled from the other room, "Fluttershy! Something's wrong with Winona!"
Quickly, Fluttershy hurried to see Winona laid uncomfortably on top of Applejack. "W-what is happening to her? One moment I was sitting down on the ground, tryna pick up her dog toys, then the next Winona is sat right on top of me, refusing to move and she's whimperin'." Applejack asked, "Is she alright?"
Upon a further look, Fluttershy recognized the signs and she smiled. "Yeah. She's alright." She knelt down next to Applejack. "Don't worry. She feels safe with you. It might be a little painful for her to deliver, but she'll get through it with you by her side."
"Deliver?"
"We need a whelping box, newspapers, towels, sterilised scissors, notepad, pen, and gloves."
"What's a whelping box?" Applejack asked.
"Hmm, do you have a big empty cardboard box instead?"
"Yeah, behind the staircase, there's a storage room."
Luckily for Fluttershy, she knew the house of the Apples fairly well. Quicker than she could think, she gathered all the needed materials with some guided help from Applejack. Carefully, Winona moved to the makeshift whelping box with a towel underneath. Heat was provided, as well as the scissors, baby nasal applicator and other required materials. It took her several minutes to gather all of these.
"Applejack, you should have prepared more. If we wasted any longer there's a higher chance of an unsuccessful birth and recovery!" Winona was a rather healthy dog, however, her siblings have had recorded problems of delivering, and no one had ruled out genetics as a cause.
"I didn't know she was pregnant."
"What? How did you not know?"
"I don't know what a pregnant dog looks like and I haven't been able to find a new vet or an animal sheltering place cause yours got shut down."
They stopped talking when they saw Winona getting her contractions. Gently, Applejack comforted her dog as Fluttershy took charge of ensuring the safe arrival of the puppies. By the end, five new puppies had been brought to the world. It was long past midnight by the time they cleaned up and checked up on the puppies, Winona and their birth station. Fluttershy and Applejack took turns of taking a shower whilst the other paid attention to the newborns.
Once they were completely done, they sat on the floor and watched Winona sleep safely with her puppies.
"It was a goddamn miracle that you were here, Fluttershy. I can't ever thank you enough." When Fluttershy was about to reply, she noticed that tears formed in the green eyes of the country girl. "Winona was the last gift my parents ever gave me. Apple Bloom was four and I was eight. Knowing that now, I'm able to see the puppies of the gift that they gave me is the best thing that has ever happened to me this year."
Fluttershy smiled, "I'm just glad I was able to help you in the way you helped me. No matter what happens between Rainbow and us, I will always cherish our friendship." Soon, they both had tears in their eyes and hugged each other until their tears dropped into the same puddle.
Applejack pulled back, "Listen to me, Fluttershy. The passing of your mother will be hard. It might be the hardest thing you'll ever do in your life. But, what you're going to do is talk to Rainbow, fix or end your friendship— whatever needs to be done— and you'll go to Stardome Veterinary University, just like you've always dreamed of. If today proved anything is that this community needs people like you to help animals and owners in need. I don't even want to know what would have happened if Winona had given birth and you weren't there. Go chase your dream and help save lives and memories. I know your mom wouldn't be prouder."
Fluttershy pulled her back in for a final hug. She stayed there for the night, and when dawn arrived, she returned back to Twilight's place.
It took her eight pages. Eight pages to figure out what the story was about. Rainbow felt so incredibly stupid. She reread the first pages and it all started to make tremendous sense. The book is a journal that Fluttershy has written. F.S were roughly her initials. It made sense. It made sense to why Fluttershy would give this to her.
Rainbow didn't know how to respond. How was anyone supposed to when they receive what is essentially is a decade long love letter? She was now hesitant to read it. Not like how she was hesitant before. Before, she didn't want to read it because it seemed like a boring romance novel compared to her favourite books in the world. Now, she doesn't want to read it because she is scared of Fluttershy's perception of her now. Rainbow isn't blind. Fluttershy gave this to her after they broke up. She wouldn't have given it to her now and not have written about their strenuous moments.
Rainbow had to stay brave. She had to read and see the root of the problem between her and Fluttershy. And so, she kept on reading for another two hours.
"I made a decision.
I'm going to keep this journal to myself. I know in the beginning, I said I'd give this to her as a birthday gift, but this has become too personal. I'd be so embarrassed if I gave this Rainbow. Maybe in like two, five, ten or twenty years I'll give this to her, but for now, I'm going to keep it. My feelings for Rainbow... I don't know what to say about them. I thought it was normal. I thought it was normal to feel these things about your best friend. Rainbow is my saviour, my hope, and my favourite person in the world. She is pretty, athletic, brave and everything that any girl dreamed of being.
Rainbow is my hero. She probably heard those words time and time again. She deserves to hear the praise for eternity if she so wished."
The sweat from her fingers damped the pages. She rested the book over her face, covering the mess that is beneath it.
She remembered that look Fluttershy often gave her. It was a look others gave to her as well. When Rainbow looked deep into Fluttershy's eyes, she saw nothing but admiration. There was a certain gleam that swam in her iris that showed Rainbow that she was cherished. And she did once love nothing more than to sink into that feeling. She loved having people adore her and call out her name as a calling grace. But lately, it's been different. Whenever Rainbow stares at her favourite pairs of eyes— notably Fluttershy's— it's still there, even if she hates her now. She continues to see the shine of hope igniting her eyes.
"It's been a while. Rainbow and I haven't really talked much. Remember the things I wrote earlier? "Even when people started to bully me at our new school, I thought for sure you would abandon me. But you didn't. Instead, you fought the bullies and almost got held back seventh grade". So, that's not quite true anymore.
I am so hurt and confused.
I confided in her about how Gilda and Cloudy Spark tormented me. And now she's hanging with them, watching them say these things to me while Rainbow stays silent. I don't know if she knows the bruises they caused or the bits of hair they cut. I don't know if she's agreeing with them. Each comment they make about my weak body, my ridiculous hair and my gullible personality, I wonder if she is nodding her head to it all.
If I don't have her, what do I have? I don't think I am going to like middle school at all."
Rainbow had an idea. She had the perfect way to respond to this journal and it might take her all night. Speaking of which, it was now 12:43 AM. Despite everything, she has to wake up 5 AM because she has an early game before school. She had to push herself to let go of the journal and get enough energy out of a four hour sleep.
Her performance was lacking to say the least. Even after she put down the journal, her mind rattled, following and incapturing her thoughts deep into the night. Guilt that has been hiding in the corner of her mind spilt over for all the shit since middle school Rainbow has put Fluttershy through.
With less than three hours of sleep, Rainbow was struggling to focus on herself. She was lucky that the game was against the same neighbouring school and not something like provincials or anything to that level. Still, it was evident Rainbow wasn't doing the best she can be— and people noticed. From the crowds, she heard murmurs and whispers about her bad performance. Her teammates grew more frustrated and their coach yelled at her more. She fucking hated it. She felt like she was drowning into the lawn, choking on her short breaths and her pounding chest was crawling out her throat. Rainbow knew now exactly how Fluttershy felt when presenting to the class or being in front of a large crowd. It was horrifying. No wonder Fluttershy got scared. Rainbow never got stage fright until a few months ago. The actual critisms whispered through stadiums will never amount to the level of the bloodcurdling hallucinations she imagines when she misses a goal. And even when she does win, she doesn't feel the same glory as she did before.
School wasn't much better. She could barely stay awake for her classes and used lunch to nap the entire time. Her friends noticed. Fluttershy was far, always at a safe distance but even in Rainbow sluggish state, she could tell she was worried. She saw how Fluttershy furrowed her brows, creating a soft crinkle between and the way her bottom lip disappeared under her top pursed one.
It wasn't that major of a problem until it became the third block of the day. The class had read over a bit of text and was filling out a questions sheet. Rainbow groaned as her pencil tip broke and her head turned as she stood up. She became incredibly dizzy, unable to feel or think without it blurred. She walked her way to sharpen her pencil and suddenly— she collapsed on the way over, the pencil rolling to the side. Before a long period of pure darkness, all she heard was someone calling her name.
That day, Fluttershy had two classes together with Rainbow. Second and third block— biology and social studies. She tried to talk to Rainbow before, but the tension between them pulled against each other like magnets. That was a special way of saying Fluttershy was cowardice.
She quickly noticed how sleep deprived Rainbow looked this morning. Her eyes had no motivation nor did her hands as she wrote the first word or two. Part of her heart ached to see her in such a state. Rainbow normally came to school fatigued, but today was a much worse case.
Fluttershy was already absent-mindedly watching Rainbow— a small habit of hers— when she suddenly fainted to the ground. Fluttershy was quick to react: calling out her name and out of her seat immediately.
She had been trained in first aid and recently got renewed, so she tried to act as effectively as she had been taught but couldn't help but feel her heart tearing itself apart. She never imagined her first real victim being Rainbow.
Once she assured herself that Rainbow was breathing, she moved onto vitals. Her skin was cold to the touch, her heartbeat to the slower side, but still considered normal. She hasn't woken up yet. Why hasn't she woken up yet? Her memory froze afterwards. Nothing after that moment could she remember clearly in three minutes. She recognized the voices of the teacher and her classmates but only considered them as echoes. She heard the dial of 9-1-1 as faint as a dream. She watched as people took Rainbow away. Fluttershy tried to reach for her, but she was a ghost floating in the phantom world, unable to touch or hear, only watch.
All her complicated feelings emptied as soon as it happened. No resent, hate or hurt. Every betrayed emotion she felt towards Rainbow disappeared. The mammoth of a spider web string untangled itself the moment Rainbow fell into that state and tore out Fluttershy's sense of safety.
She wanted to leave. She wanted to drive swiftly to the hospital and check up on Rainbow immediately, but she couldn't. Fluttershy had to stay at school for another two hours. She had near perfect attendance and had a math test in her last class— she couldn't risk that, but throughout the rest of the day, she considered it with each passing moment.
Rainbow's mom had come over and dropped off the things she had requested. Fluttershy's book, paper and a pencil and lastly, her tortoise plushie— the one Fluttershy gave her the day after they first met. It still gives her the greatest sight of comfort when Fluttershy herself wasn't there.
The doctors said they wanted to keep an eye on her for another hour, but Rainbow had broken enough bones and fainted enough times to understand doctor's language. An hour is the equivalent of a two hour delay which in total is three hours stuck in the quaint room— and that's if you round down the numbers.
Her mother left to make a call with her basketball coach to tell them she couldn't make the game tonight. They were semi-finals and another strong player already said they wouldn't be able to make it. The moment she woke up, she knew that one of the first words her mother would say were: "It's a shame you have to miss your basketball game because of this", after a kiss on her forehead.
To spend the time, Rainbow continued to read Fluttershy's journal. By the second hour, she finished reading the journal. From front to back, she read all the notes on the margins, recognized the dates written on the top corners and relived the moments in Fluttershy's eyes this time. With the plushie at her lap, she hugged it wishing it was Fluttershy when reading her pages inked with her painful memories. She hated the person Fluttershy was describing. She despised how the person time and time again betrayed Fluttershy and took her for granted. Since the beginning, she hated people who hurted Fluttershy. Now she doesn't have a choice but to hate herself the most.
Rainbow let go of a profound sigh, like she was blowing a forest fire out of the confines of her mind and turned her attention to the paper and pen. Then, she started to write, "Dear Fluttershy..."
When she was released, Fluttershy immediately drove straight to Rainbow's place. In the groupchat with all their friends, Rainbow told them that the hospital let her go and that she'd tell them about what happened at a later time. Even with that, Fluttershy still stood impatiently waiting on her doorstep— just like after every time Rainbow has broken a bone because of her soccer practices or games.
In the form of shivers beneath the cold night, worry paralyzed her thoughts. She loved coming to Rainbow's lively house, but she absolutely hated it when she had to come after Rainbow had returned from the hospital. Fluttershy never hasn't been worried about Rainbow when she got hurt.
Fluttershy knocked delicately cause the doorbell often scared Tank. She waited and waited until she heard footsteps— and then, the door opened.
Rainbow's eyes gleamed once she saw who was at the door. A warm feeling tugged her chest to lean forward. Fluttershy took no second to waste and rushed to embrace her. Rainbow lifted her up— Fluttershy's feet floating off the ground and being supported by only the arms wrapped around her waist and her arms hanging from Rainbow's warm neck. Rainbow breathed into Fluttershy's hair, her heartbeats calming down immediately.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. Are you okay? I wanted to come sooner."
"It's perfectly fine, you still had school." Rainbow closed the door behind them and brought her upstairs to her room where they would sit on the lonely single bed that could still fit the both of them.
"Are you feeling better?"
"Yeah."
"W-why did you faint earlier?"
"The doctors said that it was a mix of insane stress and tiredness."
"Oh. Is this new?"
"I've had this happen once before. It wasn't during school though."
Fluttershy nodded. She didn't know what else to say or do. Rainbow took that step and she quickly said her apology first, "Flutters, I hope you know that you never made my life even the slightest bit worse. What I said yesterday was horribly worded. You being in my life has made it so much more bearable and awesome. I don't think I could have survived some moments without you. I'm so sorry for what I said.
"No, I am so unbelievably sorry. What I said was cruel and you only reacted that way because of my words. You are not a bad person. Despite everything, I know you didn't mean to hurt anyone."
"It's true though. Even if I didn't mean to, I hurted so many people and especially you. I took you for granted so many times. I'm the reason our friendship drove away each time that it did. I know you hate me now, but I need you to hear my apology for not only yesterday, but for the last decade. I am so sorry and I hope one day you can forgive me." The words didn't sound like her at all. Rainbow rehearsed her lines over and over again. The last thing she wanted was to fail perhaps her last apology before Fluttershy never talks to her ever again. She wanted to do it so desperately just a week ago, there was likely chance that she still wants nothing to do with her.
"You think I hate you?"
"You're the one who wrote like ten pages about it."
She saw how confused Fluttershy was until her gaze saw the book at the side table. Part of Fluttershy's heart skipped a beat when she saw a bookmark stuck at the very end of the book. "Y-you read it."
"I did."
"All of it?"
"All of it."
"Rainbow I didn't—"
"You don't have to explain yourself, Flutters. But I wrote something for you too." Rainbow said as she pulled out a letter from underneath Fluttershy's journal. It was four pages double sided. Fluttershy felt like there was a tight wrap strecthing her heart, struggling to beat further. She was overwhelmed by emotions that she swore she would cry instantly. "I was going to send it to you, but since you're here, I might as well read it to you so that you can hear everything from me."
Rainbow unfolded the letter she wrote half an hour ago and read her one and only entry.
"Dear Fluttershy, I read your journal— just like you told me to. I never knew that throughout all of these years that you were writing this. My attempt compared to yours is really pathetic. Your journal spans a decade and mine is based on faint memories that hold so close to me.
You have told me your story and your point of view of the moments we shared together. From your perspective, I completely understand why you wanted to leave. My actions seemed only cruel and heartless— and I'm so sorry that I've hurt you this much. For years I hated to see people hurt you, but I am so ashamed to realize fully now that I hurted you more than anyone else could.
All I want to do with this letter is to explain everything you found confusing and answer your questions. I also want to show you my perspective of our relationship since the beginning, like you have. I'm going to base everything mostly on the last entry you wrote as it has most of our big moments.
It started at summer camp, ten years ago. You might have forgotten the name of the camp, but I didn't. I remember it so well. Blush Burrow Camp— that summer was my third year being there. Hoops and Dumbbell tried to intimidate me, but I wasn't having any of it, and they backed off. After, I saw them talking to you, but I just hated them so much that I ignored it. Then about an hour later, I heard that you were missing and that Hoops and Dumbbell were accountable. I didn't know what I was feeling at that age, but now I know that it was guilt. So, I felt that it was sort of my responsibility to find you first and bring you back home.
Deep in the forest, I found you during the darkest moments of the night. I saw your pretty pink hair and the face of someone so terrified. I wanted to do anything to make you feel safe. On the way back, I held your hand and walked with you back to camp. Even in the dark, I saw how you looked at me with hope. You made me feel like a hero.
I thought I'd never see you again after your mother picked you up. Instead, the next day you came back to camp and gave me a present. You gave me my first plushie. A tortoise plushie.
You might have already known this, but my parents always wanted a son. Not a daughter. So in efforts to make up for it, they always gave me toys like action figures with tanks and sport playing cards of old men that I have never heard of which thankfully I did adore, but because of that I never got something like a plushie before. I kept that plushie much longer than any super masculine toy my dad gave me. And you're right. I still have it. I even asked my mom to bring me it while at the hospital earlier.
Anyways, after that gift, I wanted to repay you on your birthday. I made you the bracelet because I couldn't find one that was perfect for you.
Apparently a year after, you were supposed to give me this journal, but gave us walkie talkies instead and we'd talk on them forever. Similar to how we would fall asleep during our eight hour calls once we both finally got a proper phone. You were the reason my phone battery was complaining so much in the mornings. I wasn't complaining though.
Near the end of elementary, I realized there was something about you that made me feel so happy and calm. After sport tournaments and competitions, you were the one place I could go to and take a breather from winning. You still are.
For the longest time, I didn't know people normally don't feel this way with their best friends. I didn’t feel this growing need to be near you at all times, protect you from all harm and be wanted by you with any other of my friends. When I told my grandma about it, she was kind of the reason I realized I liked you. I was scared about it. You both were also the reason I found out that I wasn't straight before I realized what that word meant.
When I told you two years later, I was terrified as hell. I was even more terrified of telling you and losing you than if it were my parents. I told you long before I told them too. But the second I did, you reassured me, repeatedly told me that you accepted and loved me. We were both so young yet you were so grown up and responsible at the same time.
Now, I did have a first kiss, and it wasn't you. I wish it was you honestly. It was Cloudy Spark. Other than you, she was my best friend. I know I abandoned you back then. I hanged out with people like Gilda, Cloudy, Lightning Dust, etc. People who I know bullied you, but I still wanted the glory of being the 'cool kids'. I was stupid back then, I know. I was young and prioritized fame over friends. I don't deserve the element of loyalty, especially with the several times I was disloyal to you and middle school was only the first time.
You deserved this apology years ago, but I am so sorry Fluttershy. I am sorry that I stood beside your bullies and betrayed you like that. If I had known from the start, I wouldn't have ever talked to them. But that's not an excuse, and I am sorry, but I wanted to explain myself a little bit.
One day after school, Cloudy and I got close and we kissed. We dated for two days which I refuse to count as my first relationship. However, I think a month later I saw the lengths her and her other friends went to terrorize you. I truly didn't know the extent that they were hurting you. I thought they were just ignoring you from time to time and gossiping about you, like they do with every other person in the school. Then, finally I found out. I kept making excuses to myself and them, but when I found out everything they were doing to you, I fought with them immediately. I yelled at them, and made them promise to never hurt you again.
When I finally decided to talk to you again, I sat at your lunchtable we bonded like we never faded. We were even better best friends than before. And my crush for you has never been so strong before.
Then came one of the best days I've ever had. The night in summer break— the transition period between middle school and high school. I want to make it clear that I care a lot about your animal ramblings. I know sometimes I may seem like I'm disinterested and bored, but I promise as long as you're happy about it, it's enough to make me care for it. Seeing you so passionate and smiling in golden hour made me officially fall for you. My crush for you at that point lasted about two to three years, but that summer made me fall in love with you.
We both passed our puberty phases pretty early (though you never looked bad). You looked breathtaking under the bright lights of the constellations and the fireflies. You were always pretty, but that night I stared at every beautiful feature you had and that completely took hold of my gaze. It startled me at first when you leaned in. I saw your beauty so close to me and my heart pounded so harshly, I swore you felt it.
I knew I may never have another chance to do it, so I leaned in and closed the gap between us. You didn't move so I suddenly became scared— I don't think you realize how terrified you make me. I tell everyone that I'm not scared of anything: not ghosts, not darkness, not spiders, not anything. But losing you or tempering our friendship is my top three worst fears ever. Which is funny cause I did both four times. And each time I felt like dying.
I was so scared that I pulled away from the kiss. But you quickly pulled me back in, and it was, as you said, breathtaking.
I held your close, and if your heart was beating rapidly, I couldn't tell because mine was having a seizure trying to figure out if your affection made my heart race or calm it down. To this day it really switches up to your benefit— making me feel so much for you it hurts, but in a way I wouldn't want it to change at all.
I didn't think we'd have to talk about the kiss in the morning. It somehow felt so natural to me that I didn't think we had to mention it awkwardly. I'm sorry I assumed that, but I need you to know this fact: that kiss meant everything to me, because you are my everything.
The second time we fell out was, as you said, when Sunset Shimmer came to the picture. She told me that you were the one who outed me to the school on the first week. You knew how hurt I was when my cousin outed me to my family and the hate I got from them, and I felt so betrayed. I sent you the text that I didn't want anything to do with you anymore in response. That time, everything was puppeteered and manipulated by Sunset that we forgot and resented each other. After Twilight Sparkle came, we all became better people and for once I apologized not years too late. Besides now, for the small fallout we had yesterday.
Now, here comes the excuse. The big shitty explanation as to why I did what I did despite the fact that I had fallen so deeply in love with you at this point.
When high-school started, we naturally grew apart, just like you said. Here's what you might have not known. I haven't told many people this because I was so ashamed.
I'm not mentally okay. I haven't been for a long while.
You know that one journal entry you wrote? You said "Rainbow is my saviour, my hope, and my favourite person in the world. She is pretty, athletic, brave and everything that any girl dreamed of being." Turns out, all of those things are the reason I've been so fucked. Just like today, when I fainted. It hadn't been the first time. The doctors told me that it's because of my immense athlete stress levels that I lose consciousness. Because of the threat of it hindering my performance, my mom got me a therapist over a year ago.
With her, I was able to figure out what was wrong with me.
I have become so attached to the Rainbow that is always confident, bold and winning that I'm scared to do anything but win. I am absolutely terrified of the consequences if I slip up and end up losing. My parents are definitely a key factor: they consistently push me to win and do everything possible to come up on top. They were disappointed I wasn't a boy so I wanted to do everything they pleased so I didn't disappoint them any further. My mom has got me to compete in soccer, football, swimming, basketball and volleyball— leaving me hardly any time to study or relax. My dad pays for all my coaches and ensures that nothing impedes my performance. I see them both the happiest about me when I'm carrying a trophy or standing on the number one podium. That has caused me to keep persevering and persisting, but I am now absolutely terrified to place second.
But also, besides them, you were unknowingly a reason as well. Not you specifically, but you said it yourself— you know me as a girl who is athletic, confident, and brave. Your first impression of me was this hero. What if that's all I am? What am I without a medal around my neck and a smug smile on my face? Do I have a purpose outside of winning? Those were the questions that made me go in a spiral and ultimately end up in a very depressive state.
My mother told me before the game started that university advisors would be watching and though I wouldn't be the right age, I still needed to impress them and do the best I could. She made it one of the most stressful games I played. Luckily I work well under stress— well, I used to. I scanned the crowd to try to find the university advisors. I saw you instead.
You hadn't come to my games until the one after Princess Twilight left. I didn't blame you. High school was so busy and I wasn't even able to see you in the halls. So the moment I saw you, my world lit up. You smiled and cheered me on, which motivated me to continue on with my games and impress everyone when I only did it for you.
After the game, I snuck off and avoided my mother and was desperate to find you instead. I pulled you from the crowd and I think I was so exhausted from being stressed and scared all the time that I latched onto the one bottle of sunshine I had in my life, which was you. I should've thought about it or at least talked to you before, but I pulled you into a kiss. I remember I melted into it when you kissed me back because for a brief moment, all the stuff going on in my life vanished. One glance from you made me feel instantly better from my shitty two years.
Then as you said, we unofficially got together. You were the one good thing I had in my life and I tried so hard to hold onto you. I hid you because I thought that if people knew, people would react and the thought of having people invade the one tranquility I had made me selfish. That wasn't fair to you, but I couldn't think fairly at all in those years.
I developed a weird obsession with winning. If I won, people like you would scream my name in celebration, my parents would praise me as their favourite only child and the school could write another win in the history books. If I continue to win, people start expecting me to keep winning and never lose. If I do lose, even once, I disappoint myself, my friends, my family, my team and the school. There were too many people I would disappoint so I over-exerted myself to the breaking point so I would never become a failure.
At that point, my therapist diagnosed me with depression and imposter syndrome. I doubted if I deserved any of the success I was getting if I felt this terrible about it all the time. Then it just became a cycle of misery. I was so close to ending all of this. I have thought of it multiple times. Everything in my life was going too fast with not enough time to practice and study and spend time with friends and win. But I so desperately craved for validation and praise that I kept pushing myself until I ended up fainting and being driven to hospitals. I was so mentally unwell that I knew I reached a breaking point, and had to face the truth.
I came to my senses and realized that it'd be unfair to you to have to deal with everything I was going through. Even if I never told you, I wanted to protect you from everything in my life and it was getting impossible to keep anything good in my life. If I told you— and I know you— you would try to put up with me and I know I would crave into it. I would become completely dependent on you, to the point where my life would end up in your hands. You would end up being my one reason of living. Putting that kind of pressure onto you is such a shitty thing that would ruin both of us, so I knew I had to let you go. I knew I needed to work on myself before I could love you like you deserve to.
That's why despite it being the last thing I wanted to do, I broke up with you after school. I told you that I loved you because in my head at the time, it would somehow make up for it. My past mind was going through so much that it couldn't handle sensible thoughts and actions. I understand now that it was confusing as hell. And again, I didn't want to tell you because I equally was ashamed and that if I did, I knew you would burden yourself with problems that would only mentally drain the both of us.
I also think part of me wanted to hide this vulnerable and depressed side of myself because all I want to see when I look at you are faces of happy and love. I was scared that once you saw that I wasn't the strong and daring hero you met on day one, you'd lose the worth you saw in me. I know it's stupid, but I'm telling you now because I know I lost you already, and you deserve to know the truth.
So after that, I was slowly getting better through therapy. To this day, I'm still getting terrible episodes, but they're less harsh and frequent now. I talked to my mom and she fully agreed to let me quit swimming and football, which helped a bit. She even fought against my dad about it. I think I cried that day.
I thought after what I'd done to you, you'd want nothing to do with me. Everytime we had the tiniest conversations, there was still hurt in your voice, and then we didn't talk for a year. And when Applejack and I got close, I did genuinely start to like her, but I never could commit from my unresolved feelings for you, and I just ended up hurting both of you. You both deserve so much better than what I am and what I did. I can't say sorry enough to make up for anything, I know, but I will try for you both.
And that was everything. Everything that I could possibly explain to you. I know this doesn't really justify the hurt I have caused you, but I just wanted you to know what was happening with me and my side of our story.
I know I was a lot of your firsts. I can't say the same, but I can say that you are all of my favourites. My favourite person, favourite bestfriend, favourite kiss, favourite girlfriend and favourite memories. You know I love you and I'd do anything for you to be happy. If after this, you don't want to see me again and run off to another country without talking to me ever again, I understand.
— Love, Rainbow Dash."
The papers were shaking in her hands. Her vision blurred from burning tears, but she had become so numb to her life that she wasn't as effected as she thought she'd be.
Not once since she started reading had Rainbow looked up from the letter. She refused to look at Fluttershy until she was finished. The only thing she focused on was reading her messy handwriting and repeat some of the parts she choked on.
Even now, she was scared to see the sea foam eyes of Fluttershy. She was still always ashamed that she had to see her like this. She wanted to drown— drown in a tsunami and sink her insecurities to the bottom of the ocean, one of a similar hue to her past lover's iris. Rainbow looked at anywhere but at Fluttershy
Her shoulders tensed, but calmed down immediately when she felt the lightest touch turn her cheek towards her and gets pulled into a heartcrawling embrace. This was part of Fluttershy Rainbow's body both loved and hated. So effortlessly, Fluttershy could make her feel every opposed feeling imaginable— her body couldn't decide if her heart raced or calmed down when they touched, or if her breathing stopped or started because of her, or if her mind becomes smarter or dumber when she's around her— and her body gets so overwhelmed with pains and tingles that it makes her fall in love over and over again.
Fluttershy pulled away from the embrace, but kept her hand on Rainbow's cheek. They rested their foreheads against each other, somehow reaching a level of intimacy they have never explored before. Rainbow's eyelids fluttered, and she saw the red in Fluttershy's eyes, contrasting beautifully against her blue-green eyes that made them a work of art.
Fluttershy whispered, her eyes closed. "Thank you for telling me all of this."
"I told you a year or two later." They pulled away, just enough where they could see each other's faces and watch every movement in the other's lips and eyebrows.
"Still, I'm beyond thankful that you told me. I am so sorry if you felt pressured to tell to me because you thought you were going to lose me. I am also sorry that you thought you couldn't tell me. You're right. If you told me, I think it would end up exactly as you said. Looking back I was selfish. In my head I kept asking these questions of why you would do certain things, but I never truly thought about the stress and the problems you might have been having in your life. I am so sorry for being so inconsiderate and blind of what was happening to you and even contributing to it."
"I'm sorry too. For not telling you, even if it might've ended that way, and letting you to believe I didn't care about you. You're the person I care about most and I'm sorry I haven't been able to show it well."
Fluttershy smiled sweetly— it wasn't a bright smile but it was one that warmed Rainbow, "I know I never said it to you properly, but, I love you. Take it in whatever sense you want, bestfriends or more, I just need you to know that you are loved. You are loved because you are you— not the image you put yourself to others. I fell in love with you because of everything that you are, and you are more than a medal around your neck and always confident. I know you are a not always a winner. And though you don't show it often to me or our friends, I love you and without a doubt in my mind you are loved just as much when you score the winning goal of a soccer match to when you get vulnerable and lose a few times."
Rainbow didn't try to fight the rain that rolled down her eyes, falling down into bittersweet puddles. Back in each other's arms, they opened every loose stitch of pain and let it bled out until they bathed in it. They wept every tear and exhaled every whisper of regret. The drunk smell of fearless professions of love pervaded their space, staying in their hair for the remainder of the forgiving night.
It was scary how perfect the timing was. The weekend after was a three day break due to a regional holiday they didn't celebrate. It was the right amount of time to head off to North Mossbay, and return before school started again.
They said their goodbyes to their friends and the two girls got on the camper van Sunset let them borrow. Fluttershy was heading up north to attend her mother's funeral and take care of her items. When her mom first got sick, the first thing she did was make a list. A list of things Fluttershy should come and take as it has a special place in her heart. It mainly composed of jewelry, or photos of them together and even her dad holding her. When her mother first brought up the list, Fluttershy refused to see it. She was so upset that her mother accepted her death so early. It was like she was preparing to die for the past several months.
Rainbow begged her own mother to let her go on this trip. She would have to miss a few practices and a game on Saturday, but she would hate herself for the rest of her life if she let Fluttershy go through this grief alone and in a foreign place that only binds her by a ghost.
They left on Friday, so that they could arrive early the next day, and leave on the morning of Monday. For the first three hours, Fluttershy drove the van, driving towards the border, in a Northern-Western direction. With the exception of Sunset, Fluttershy got her driver's license first and is less reckless than her friend beside her. They sat in silence as Rainbow fell asleep within ten minutes of the drive. Fluttershy fluttered her eyes back to the beauty next to her every once in a while.
Then, after a washroom break and a tank refill at a gas station, it was Rainbow's turn to drive for the next few hours. Fluttershy gazed outside, seeing that the scenery changed from urban towns to fields that run the earth for miles. Her eyes got excited seeing roaming cows or a horse while passing by. However, it soon became lands that had nothing. The grass isn't too vibrant or tall. There are no trees at all, nor street lamps. There is solely a single road stretching across the emptiness.
"Rainbow, can I ask you a question?"
"Yeah, anything."
"Did I... contribute a lot to the reason you grew so attached to winning and always being confident?"
"Why were you wondering about that?"
"I know your parents were the main reason. I've seen them smother you with praises and criticism. I always thought that they were quite intense, but back then, I thought you liked it. And maybe you did once, but not anymore. Maybe I've been so blinded that I can't recognize my own actions and how I have affected you. I mean, I wasn't exactly hiding the fact that I admired you."
"I get what you mean. I think you are... sort of a weird exception. Whenever I'm near you I get conflicted whether I keep my image up or not. Like of course, I felt the pressure to be the heroic figure you saw the night you met me. I made sure you saw me be the star on the field or the best electric guitar soloist you've ever seen. I did— and still do— try hard to impress you. Not because I wanted your praise or anything, but just so that you have something about me you liked. But, you know, I've never broken down to someone the way I can with you. I never felt comfortable crying or being so vulnerable with anyone else. Which, ironic, cause I didn't tell you anything about what was happening to me in the last two-ish years. But, without you knowing, you still helped me. I don't even want to repeat the things that were in my head back then." Fluttershy saw Rainbow fidgeting with the wheel and how the van started to swerve ever so chaotically. Words just kept overflowing her mouth and her rants steamed the glass ever so slightly. She grasped Rainbow's hand and placed a kiss on the backside of the palm. She felt Rainbow melt into ease under her lips. The driving, as well as Rainbow's breaths steadied.
Just like that— Fluttershy’s hand grasping Rainbow's as they drove along the peaceful and empty road. It helped herself more selfishly than she would have liked. In a few hours, she will have to tower over a casket and stare, with pearlescent eyes, at the hands she will never be able to hold or the smile she will never see again. She tried not to think too much about the image, but it haunted her dreams and prisoned her from sleep. Though she is, of course, grateful, she knows she will curse at the mortician, who made her mom look so alive— it looked like she was only sleeping, and then a part of Fluttershy will want to wait for hours and hours for her to wake up, crying even more each moment that those eyes does not open. The only way she could think of to distract her from crying again, was to talk with Rainbow.
"For me, I think it's sort of the opposite. Whenever I'm with you, I gain confidence and be reckless with my words and actions. I dare to fight for the things I want and finally find it in me to stand up for myself. You made me question my shyness at times."
"Is that why you kissed me at summer break?" She heard the light air-laughs and the curve of Rainbow's smile forming, her own forming as well.
"You already read the book."
"Sorry, I must have skimmed over that part. Could you remind me what happened?"
"I thought that kiss meant everything to you. Isn’t that what you wrote?"
"See, you wouldn't be so cocky with anybody else. My arrogance caught onto you too."
"You just have that affect on me."
"A decade of the Rainbow Dash was bound to rub off of you eventually. I am just so inspirational." Fluttershy smiled. She's happy Rainbow is able to joke and be effortlessly sarcastic— that means the worst has passed and it is all a path of recovery now.
"Yet I still can't play soccer no matter how many times you try to teach me."
"That's a skill issue. Sorry, I have this thing where me being so good at everything is a problem. I'm drowning in success."
"Hey, you're not good at everything. There are things I'm good at, that you're not." Fluttershy has also learned to play along with Rainbow's sarcasm from time to time— which has been a new language for her, but she's a quick learner if it's not sports or athletic related.
Rainbow only smiled gleefully. "Like what?"
"Communicating with animals."
"Okay, but that's not fair. The universe literally bounded you to that power. I don't count that one, say a different one"
"Cooking, gardening, crocheting, painting, pottery, baking, embroidery... arguably, I am also better at archery than you."
"Damn... way to humble me."
"That doesn't make you any less of a person. You just need time to realize that it's okay to not always be the best. And you can lean onto me whenever. I promise you that."
"Thanks, Flutters." Rainbow turned to her, not expecting to be absolutely breathless when the sun shined onto Fluttershy's face beautifully and enraptured a kind of celestial beauty. She was the prettiest girl she has ever seen. She knew that before, of course, but that moment showed her a type of beauty that made Rainbow's heart cry.
Forcing her eyes to return back to the road, Rainbow thought of everyone who was interested in Fluttershy. There was a rumour in middle school that one of Hoops' friends liked her. He denied it every time someone brought it up. The only other person was a guy from the earlier years of high school. When Sunset tore everyone's friendships apart, Fluttershy went on a date with a classmate. It did not go past two low-effort dates before the guy pressured her into sleeping with him. The whole thing made her blood boil, even if she supposedly 'hated' her back then. There wasn't a single moment that Rainbow has ever hated Fluttershy. Thankfully, even though they all still fought, her and Rarity stepped up and told the guy off, convincing Fluttershy to break things off with him immediately. Other than those two, there was no one else.
Rainbow looked back to Fluttershy once again, now noticing her cute yawn and the shadow under her eyes. "You should sleep. I know you didn't sleep that much last night."
"How much longer until we get to the motel?"
"About five hours."
"Okay, then wake me up in after two hours so we can switch driving."
"Flutters, napping is best when it's long and uninterrupted, take it from me, the nap expert."
"Yes, but it's not fair for you to drive that much.'
"I'll be fine—"
"Promise me that you'll wake me up in two hours."
"But—"
"Dashie."
"Okay fine, whatever, just go ahead and sleep your pretty head. I'll wake you up at like 7, alright?" She didn't, in fact, ended up waking Fluttershy up.
She considered greatly, she did. At seven, she pulled over, the sun crept behind the horizon, and she was about to wake her up. But, the indescribable feelings that were happening in her heart and the perfect, delicate image of Fluttershy sleeping so peacefully was enough to sway her over. She turned the keys into immunition once again, and continued driving, until they reached their destination.
They left on a Friday, after a long and strenuous school day. That was a grave mistake. But they couldn't have left on Saturday as they wouldn't be able to come back in time before Tuesday. That left the two even more exhausted than ever. Rainbow Dash ended up driving the full five hours, stopping for a washroom break and getting drive thru dinner near the end. She arrived to the motel reception and got the keys to their room.
Grief must have been in the form of potent melatonin. Fluttershy has been out for nearly a quarter of the day. She slept barely an hour last night, worrying about everything and giving calls to some advisors and the memorial service. She seemed to be sleeping decently now. That was what mattered to Rainbow.
She hadn't forgotten about the promise Fluttershy's mom wrote to her. She would take care of her daughter to the end of time if she could. If Fluttershy let her. She did feel this slight overwhelming pressure to never fall short of this last-dying wish. She felt like it was now her lifelong goal to always be there to take care of Fluttershy. She would have done it regardless, of course, but now that she was tasked with it by Fluttershy's mother, there was an added element. She wrote to be the "beacon of hope" that she's always been. Rainbow couldn't help but feel the worry that she will fall short on these expectations.
Rainbow went back to the car and debated on whether to carry the girl to their room or not. She opened the door and the cold air must have woken her up as she stirred a bit. Fluttershy sluggishly opened her eyes.
"R-Rainbow?"
"Yeah?" Rainbow then thought of an idea, "Hey, if you're still too tired, I can carry you to the motel room if you want."
"The motel?" Fluttershy instantly woke up and took a look around at the surroundings. "Rainbow Dash! You said you'd wake me up! What time is it?"
Fluttershy checked her phone, "Ten PM?"
"I'm sorry, but it's fine now. We're here." Rainbow could see Fluttershy's frown under the dimmed lights springing from the moon. "Hey, why don't you come inside and I'll make it up with sushi dinner."
"You got dinner?!"
"Oh boy. What's done is done. Now, let's get out of the cold and into the room, okay? Then you can be mad at me."
She'd never say it out loud, but Fluttershy was stubbornly cute when she was mad and eating her sushi rolls. She would chew a little louder and her chop stick skills got more sloppy. She also tends to stuff her mouth with the food, making her cheeks chubby. Every so often, her lips would extend to a pout, warming Rainbow's heart every time. Something about the sight made Rainbow so conflicted between being scared or wanting to smile.
Fluttershy was perfectly content with her meal and everything should have been fine. But still, deep in her heart, she knew there was a slight grudge against Rainbow for lying to her. It was a lie so minimal and so negligible. It probably wasn't supposed to be a lie, but it happened anyways. Rainbow told her that she'd wake her up at seven. It shouldn't have been a big deal, but her emotions abused her sensibility.
Rainbow saw her wince and the ache on Fluttershy's face. She would have been able to spot it miles away.
"Hey, what's wrong?" Her face turned away, but Rainbow immediately put aside her food and sat next to her, bringing the side of Fluttershy's head to the base of her neck. Her fingers traced the flow of Fluttershy's hair— from the roots to the parts of her hair that framed her cheeks.
"I-I... I just feel so... alone? In the dark? I don't know how to explain it. I keep losing time with people. The people that I l-love the most keep shutting me out. I couldn't be there for you or for my mom in your hard moments. Without e-even knowing it, I almost lost you and I completely lost my mom. She didn't want me there with h-her. And I get it. I get why she did it. And I feel awful but I resent her so much for it. I don't want to, but I can't help but feel that she was selfish."
Her words stuttered with every breath lodged in her throat by her tears. "Instead of being with her for her last moments, she never gave me any chance. I don't remember the last thing I said to her. She stole my chance to say goodbye to her. And maybe she was right. Maybe I would have been worse if I watched her d-die, but I want to feel the pain if that means I get to see her before she- before she—" The words shattered in her mouth and she felt like choking on hundreds of mirror shards. "I want to feel hurt and pain freely. I-I want the choice to stay and to be there for you."
When Rainbow first heard that her mom didn't tell her at all, she was slightly pissed. If her mom was dying and knew about it, the least she could do was let her only child know. The phone call was so sudden that it caught Fluttershy off guard and it was a miracle the large bottle of grief she was drank didn't harm herself. But now, she knows why her mom tried to save Fluttershy from that pain. Rainbow did that to her with her own pain. Rainbow tried to save Fluttershy from the burden of whatever fucked up shit that she was dealing with by shutting her out. She ended up recovering, but what if she didn't? What if her depression successfully took its next victim and she did something so irreversible that it killed her? It was nearly a reality to a point too close for Rainbow to want to admit. Then Fluttershy would have to search for the pieces and investigate her killer without ever being exposed to it herself. The thought haunted Rainbow and made her hold onto Fluttershy tighter.
"I know I keep saying it, but I don't think I can stop apologizing. Your mom and I have the same favourite person. And I think we just wanted to protect you from pain, not realizing that we're making this so much harder for you by shutting you out." Rainbow gently tugged Fluttershy's cheek, bringing her gaze to hers, Rainbow losing herself to her eyes. "And I know we haven't been there for each other these past few months, but I want to change that. If you let me, we can be each other's safe space again." Rainbow placed a soft kiss on her forehead.
Fluttershy only nodded. A fragile smile breaking just before delicate yet heartbreaking sobs crawled out of her, her mouth murmuring whispers and regrets. Rainbow's arms enveloped her, bringing her in closely and merging their heartbeats as one.
Rainbow was the first one to sleep, obviously. Fluttershy had slept for five hours in the car so she had energy to stay up. After they ate, Rainbow took a quick shower and went off to bed. Fluttershy did the same thing. She cleaned up and got ready to take a shower. Her body felt so numb. After crying for what felt like an entire summer, her emotions just left her. Everything just keeps leaving her.
Maybe she loved being happy so much that it left her as well.
Nothing Fluttershy did felt meaningful anymore. When she took a shower, she turned the faucet to scolding hot water, a temperature she has never liked, and stared at the tile wall. The burn on her back was not enough, nor was the sight of her boiling red skin. For a girl who has been constantly bullied for being sensitive and emotional her entire life, they seemed to have been drained out of her system.
Once she finally got out, she stared at the mirror completely covered by steam. There wasn't anything there. That's what she felt like. Nothing.
But not the nothing where you feel worthless. Being worthless means there is still something there that is not up to standards. No— Fluttershy feels the kind of nothing where nothing she does or feels is registering to her mind or the world around her. She is just there. A shell of a tiny cosmic body on a colossal floating rock with no purpose or feelings.
She considered blow drying her hair, but by the time that she reached for it, her hair had dried, and the mirror was clear. She'd been in front of the mirror for an hour and a half— it felt like ten minutes for her. Fluttershy felt like she was going insane. How did time slip past her so quickly?
Fluttershy had no energy left. She had no motivation to do anything else and she wanted to sleep and refuse to wake up. She turned off the lights and got into the bed next to Rainbow. They booked a single bed as it costed less and it wasn't strange for them to share one. They have laid next to each other in the tightest of beds since they were nine.
In the complete darkness, Fluttershy thought of the girl next to her. She wants to be part of her life. All of it. Even if Rainbow doesn't want her in it, the selfish part of her wants to cherish every ounce of her. She wants to feel the pain that she feels and she wants to feel the wins and joy that Rainbow feels. She wants to be for her in her worst moments and smile when she's in her best. She wants to kiss every part of her— the deep bruises and the rosy cheeks as well. Most of all, she wants Rainbow to look at herself all the same when she gets a silver medal instead of a gold one.
But also, in the darkness, fear consumed her. Her artistic imagination brought to life her mom's lifeless body, puppeteered as a marionette by morticians. She dreamed of a room where Death awaits for her with painstaking fingers. When she closes her eyes, she sees a grave and a hand reaching for the sky beneath her.
Her rapid breathing tightened around her chest— gasping for air like a drowned victim. It wasn't enough to wake Rainbow up, thankfully, Fluttershy thought to herself. She tried going back to sleep, but those images tortured her eyes.
Desperately, her hand found Rainbow's and she gently interlocked the fingers. The mere touch calmed Fluttershy down. Those images buzzed into a peaceful limbo like undoing creases to a dress or lowering blasting music to a soft whisper in one's ear. Her breathing slowed danced enough and she easily fell asleep a few moments later.
Motel heating doesn't work at any place that is the same price as a painting made by a beginner artist. Though spring was arriving, the nights still grew to be cold. When Fluttershy woke up, she felt her entire body arching towards the girl still sleeping next to her. Their legs were intertwined and their bellies were pressed against each other. Their hands weren't interlocked anymore, but their fingers were meeting between the two.
Her hazy morning mind didn't register the situation until Rainbow shifted in her sleep, bringing her closer to Fluttershy's face. Her heart was pounding and she swore it was harsh enough that it vibrated the entire entanglement she had going on with Rainbow.
It's been a long time since they've been this close to each other. Besides the time at Applejack's house. Or that time after Rainbow found out about Fluttershy's departure. Back when they were dating, they would wake up tangled in each other's arms and be clinged to each other. She still remembers so much of the past that she never fully knew.
It was the night when Rainbow pulled Fluttershy out of the crowd, ignoring her mom and university recruits, and only focusing on her. Rainbow kissed her— she wanted for everything single bad thing that had ever happened in her deteriorating life to heal itself when she kissed Fluttershy's lips. She whispered to her ear, "I'm sorry. It's just that seeing you in the crowd, cheering me like that reminded me how much I missed you. There's something about you that makes me feel instantly better whenever I see you smile."
Later, Rainbow fully avoided her parents and just wanted to be near the only source of joy she had in her life back then. Fluttershy drove Rainbow back to her place and let Rainbow shower at her place. Once she dried her hair, only then did she text her parents who caused half her phone bill that month. She would pay the dreadful consequences later. But, she didn't want to think of that, and instead all she wanted in that moment was to be laying next to her lover.
That word tickled Rainbow's heart. Lover. It was a title she felt Fluttershy always had. Even as children, she thought of her as an ambiguous platonic lover before she knew what each word meant.
When they were both laying in bed, they stayed facing each other, not saying a word that would dare to shatter their beautiful moment. Rainbow's hand brushed against her cheek and played with Fluttershy's curtain bangs. In the safety of her cozy little bedroom, alone with her best friend, Fluttershy ventured to be the daring person Rainbow was a few hours before. She was the one who initiated the first gestures, pulling Rainbow into deep kisses— Rainbow smiling each and every moment.
Though neither of them said it, they thought about how much of this should have felt weird or awkward, but it never did. In the utmost natural manner, all of this love and affection has always been there— there were just more physical gestures now. That's why even when they went out in secret, it still felt so natural— like nothing changed. Anyone from the outside would not bat an eye with anything they would be doing as long as they weren't being too risky. Holding hands, kisses on the forehead or study dates in the library were all things everyone in their school have seen them do and simply associated it as something they did in their friendship.
The feelings that these girls had for each other were indescribable. So much of their love was unsaid, natural and inevitable.
Fluttershy couldn't tell if it had changed. The girls who laid in their bed years ago on a night after a soccer game were not the same to the ones laying in the motel bed entangled in warmth and bedsheets. Between those people, there is a history of hurt and pain that distances themselves apart. There formed a distinction between a then and a now. Fluttershy tried to categorize all of the stars and memories she claimed as theirs into a before and after. Saving from bullies. The Venus constellation. Love letters. Late night song writing sessions. Embraces to comfort tears.But at the same time, history repeats itself, after time and time again, with two girls with an undeniable love for each other laying in a bed with no one but silence accompanying them between the creases in the bed sheets.
Rainbow dreamed of her. That moment in the van— when the sun beams kissed Fluttershy's shadows. The way she smiled at her made her body ticklish and fluttery. A kind of cloud nine where she remembers how to fly and soar through the sky. She couldn't figure out what made that moment so different for her. More times than she can remember, she has been completely breathless and heartstruck by Fluttershy. That hasn't changed.
No— what changed was that Rainbow's shitty life and actions were fully known to Fluttershy, and she still smiles at her. Rainbow has poured out her darkness on a platter and got Fluttershy to consume its performance, and she still sees her with angelic beauty in her eyes.
She thought selfishly, she knew it, but she wants to stay with Fluttershy through it all. She wants to sleep in her smile for all their shared nights. She wants to hold her soft fingers when she gets nervous and get kissed by her on the forehead and cheek to be calmed down. Rainbow doesn't want to hide. She's been doing that for all of her life. Rainbow Dash is in love and is loved by her soulmate, and she knew it— and she wasn't going to let herself be the reason that they deny or hide it much longer.
Fluttershy didn't let Rainbow utter a word of resistance. Fluttershy drove all four hours and she was stern on doing it. It actually scared Rainbow a little on how dedicated she was.
They finally arrived to North Mossbay. The atmosphere there was vastly different from Canterlot. These areas were underdeveloped, overgrown and cheap, to say the least. The buildings are very simplistic in design and functionality— everything in that town was like that. Everything was just the bare necessities. There was no money or place for a movie theatre or a jewelry shop. As the name suggests, the most influential part of the town is the bay that looks out into the ocean, bringing in a motherlode for the fishing export industry. Fluttershy remembered her trips with her mom on a sail, trying to be brave of the deep waters for both of them. Her love for ocean life started there. Though it terrified her, the scales, claws and fins of reticient sea creatures intrigued her all the same.
The two browsed the town on the Saturday. They visited the small attractions that were never designed for tourists and looked out to the sea that echoed their names. Fluttershy met with her counsultant and discussed the left affairs inherited by her mother. At the late sleeping hour, they found a non-monitored, safe area and decided to sleep in the van for a few hours.
The funeral home was so warm in colour. The flowers, the chairs, the lights— it made Fluttershy partly sick. Her eyes only saw grey spiralling down her cheeks at each surface of reflection. It was like someone turned the lights on of the world and it shined onto her. Stage fright was creeping up her arms like spiders. She thought she gotten over it. And she did. She can perform a concert to a crowd of thousands as long as she's with her best friends. She can give a presentation in front of her class as long as she has prepared notes to reference. Fluttershy's confidence has grown tremendously and Rainbow Dash and her friends are her witnesses. She just wished her mother could be one too.
Despite the lights giving her a headache, there was no denying that the reception was beautiful. It was small and reserved to those who cared for her the most. Or the ones that are still here and cared for her the most. More people than she thought attended the funeral. The few friends her mom made at the nursing home sat on the second row, with the expiration of their own illness nearing by each candle lit. One of her caretakers showed up, apologizing on the behalf of the others for not showing up as well. Winter and spring are harsh seasons for caretakers— cutting away and springing wilted flowers by the night. Other residents of North Mossbay showed up. The librarian across the street or the bee keeper from the communal park. There were also intendants who had no relation to her mother at all, but showed up out of respect.
She thanked each guest repeatedly, ensuring her immense gratitude is not to be ever confused. She decided to have her speech be last. She cried and applauded each time someone stood up at the stand to tell about the interaction they had with her or the short night of games they shared together.
Rainbow Dash was next. She prepared a speech on a paper and stretched it across the stand. Nervously, she put her hands in the pockets of her unisex suit, before realizing it might come across disrespectful and placed them on the edge of the stand. She was so unbelievably nervous. Fluttershy reassured her, but she was still terrified of saying the wrong words in the wrong order.
"Hi. My name is Rainbow Dash. I am Fluttershy's best friend since childhood. I have known her and Blossom Shy for the majority of my life. I can say undoubtedly, she has been like a second mother to me. She would give me rides to soccer practices when my mom couldn't and she would write a note for me like how she did for Fluttershy and her lunches." All of this made Rainbow think of her own mother and reflected her thoughts and feelings she wants to tell when she sees her again. "Just like how she raised Fluttershy to be, she was unbelievably kind— like the kindness that makes you suspicious, but makes you believe the goodness of people again— and she was compassionate towards life in all forms— she maintained this beautiful garden that I saw every season and the care she put into the life around her was definitely something to admire." She was worried now. She glanced up and saw the eyes on her, a sight she has seen countless of times, yet somehow this was unlike anything she has ever experienced. Maybe her voice sounded too rehearsed or her body language wasn't respectful enough. Fluttershy noticed Rainbow's clenched fists and the sting of her voice in the back of her throat.
When Rainbow's eyes met hers, she smiled a hundred words. Her unsaid whispers calmed Rainbow down from across the stage and she was able to continue. "Admittedly, throughout the years, I grew more unable to see her. I think the last time I saw her in person was a little over a year ago. The selfish and messed-up part of me is glad. My parting image of her, though I resent that there is one, is her smiling and tending to her flower garden with Fluttershy's pet butterflies hovering over her. I wish that is everyone's image of her. Knowing that is her peace, I find a portion of mine knowing that she found hers. Goodbye, Mrs. Shy, I hope to watch your daughter grow into your kindness and fulfill both your dreams— she's already nearly there."
Fluttershy applauded through her tears. She hugged Rainbow Dash, whispering 'thank you' to the underside of her jaw before mounting the stage herself. She cleared her throat, straigtened the creases formed on the black dress Rarity made, and watched the light shine through prismatic windows.
"H-hello. I am Fluttershy, and I am the daughter of the deceased of whom we are mourning for here today. Before I start, I would like to say that I am so grateful to be able to share the life of Blossom Shy to you all. It means so much that you took the time to remember and celebrate her life together with me today." None of those words were on her paper. She simply spoke from her heart. Her eyes shifted over to her handwriting shortly after. "My father died when I was at a very young age, so for all of my life, my mom was all the family that I knew. My mom told stories about him. She told me he liked cloud watching and carpentry. He built a crib and rocking horse a week or so after my mom told him that she was pregnant. She said that he was so excited to raise me and see me grow up. Though I don't remember him much, I remember how much she loved him, and I hope they are happy reunited once again. Shortly after my birth, my dad got into a car crash with an angry and drunk driver. He made it to the hospital, but he died after reuniting with my mom. I remember how much she cried and how much his death affected her, years after the incident. It was like she lost the colour of her eyes and never saw the world fully recovered again. But despite this, she portrayed herself strong and healed so that she could raise me. Even if my nose or my eye colour reminded her of him everyday, she never let that get in the way of loving me and taking care of me." Fluttershy had to pause to cough out the itch tangling in her throat. She wasn't crying too hard yet, but she fears that it will change very quickly. "Her trauma of watching him die in front of her was what I think drew her to distance herself when she became sick. She didn't want me to go through the pain she felt when she lost her lover so hopefully. Last year, it took her a month after the diagnosis to tell me her condition and at each step, she withdrew her health status to me. She did not want me to get hopeful if her surgery went good or if she felt better on a certain day, because she knew from the beginning that her illness was going to win. She told me she wanted to move here, a twelve hour drive away— she told me the waters and the small town was where she wanted to be, but refused me the right to go with her. I saw her seven times in person since she moved here. She got me a guardian to look after me who didn't see the point in coming three weeks in. I felt so ostracized from my mother as she was actively trying to replace herself with a stranger who did not care for me. Finally, about a week ago, I packed my belongings, ready to move here and take care of her. Right before I could leave, I received the phone call that changed my life. Until the very end, she remained frustratingly stubborn and took away my chance of saying goodbye to her, in a way to protect me from the pain she felt, nearly two decades ago."
Rainbow tensed. These were things Fluttershy never told anyone, not even her, that she was pouring out endlessly to the crowd. The crowd went tense too. Ordinarily in these funerals, presenters never dare to say anything but the best towards the deceased. They come up with some spiritual and sacred reason for their deaths, but never say their killer out loud. They only say praises and compliments— afraid to upset the dead and their resting soul. The town itself was a lot more in favour for tradition and pure beliefs on humanity.
The last part surprised Rainbow as well. She did not know about the guardian or that her mom would withdraw and delay the mention of her condition status to Fluttershy. As much as Rainbow's life this past year was unknown to Fluttershy, so was hers. She was absent in so many moments of her crying with no one to hold her and so many times her sobbing heart became too heavy. Rainbow's heart ached when she realized she could've been there— she should've been there— but wasn't. Even in friend groups, she never heard Fluttershy utter a word about this; they simply knew that her mother grew sick and wanted to move away.
Fluttershy unravelled herself in her eye-swelling words, in front of a crowd of people judging her grieving words. It wasn't because they were debating the truth or not, it was a question of morality and whether it was ethical to speak of the dead, no less, her mother, in such a way where her image is tampered in the minds of the audience. Rainbow knew this, and she trusted that Fluttershy also knew this.
"N-Now, please do not get the wrong idea from my words. I am not trying to speak ill of her. I do not resent her for passing down a very understandable trauma response. All of you today, shared phenomenal stories of her with the beautiful image you have of her." Fluttershy spoke meticulously, yet fluently letting the words flow out the tip of her tongue unrehearsed and in the moment. "But I only know and loved the person who raised me with so much resilience and determination. All of these things that she has done in the past year were acts of the expansive and unconditional love she has. She was unbelievably selfless and down-to-earth. I wanted to share this very vulnerable and messy part of Blossom Shy's life, because as important as her peaceful and kind stature, I wanted to highlight the qualities and events that motivated her life the most. She has endured so much and had no one to tell it to. S-She would have loved having someone to hear her and have it change nothing how you feel about her. More than anything, continue to picture her and be memorialized in your thoughts, a woman smiling divinely in a garden or on a sailboat. But, I also implore you to personify her determination for love as a tulip or an anchor in the same scene. Thank you." She exhaled out.
Rainbow was the first to applaud with tears and a smile, the rest following her movements and creating a sort of symphony. There were one or two individuals who were still adament, but Fluttershy shifted the minds of the funeral. Stepping down from the stage, her knees gave out, and she almost immediately broke into sobs— it was like she had compartmentalized her emotions throughout her entire speech and it all exploded into a supernova for Rainbow to catch.
"T-That's the s-scariest thing I-I think I've e-ever done." Fluttershy spoke between heartwrenching sobs into Rainbow's shoulder. She felt the eyes of the crowd on her, and she tried to stop her sobs, but the attempts only made her break down even more. Rainbow felt like her own soul was tearing itself apart feeling Fluttershy's crying spasms rattle her and carve out her chest.
Having her deep in her embrace, Rainbow whispered into a space only Fluttershy can soak into, "I am so proud of you." she kissed her temple and steadily took in Fluttershy's most thunderous storm.
After the service, the caretaker went up to them with an envelop in her hands. Fluttershy had just said her goodbyes to her mother's body laying delicately in the casket, and preparations for cremation were commencing— the same way Blossom Shy mourned her husband's body.
"Mrs. Shy. I apologise for not giving this earlier."
"Thank you. May I ask what this is?"
"A parting letter from your mother."
This immediately had Rainbow intrigued. Her own letter stuffed in her left pocket. The caretaker must have clicked on what Rainbow was thinking or noticed the frown creasing her forehead. "It was supposed to be in your possession much earlier, however Mrs. Blossom Shy was unable to finish it, which is why we were not able to send it in rightful time."
Fluttershy still had red puffy eyes and lips painfully parched. "T-thank you so much. We will stop by the services later tonight to pick up her belongings."
"Take all the time that you need."
Leaving Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash alone and sitting on a bench watching the view outside the window. Fluttershy's head leaning sideways against Rainbow's shoulder. Her hands fidgeted on the corners of the envelope instead of her wrists. Years ago, it became a slight habit where Fluttershy would scratch and pick the skin on her wrists, leaving temporary, yet noticeable marks. It didn't take long for Rainbow to notice it when she was talking to people she didn't know or when the teachers would made loud and demeaning remarks about her for being so quiet. When Rainbow brought it up to Fluttershy, she gently placed kisses over the striking red marks on her particularly light skin, comforting her shame and letting Fluttershy drain her panic through her tears. The hurt that she saw on Rainbow was enough to stop doing every time she found herself vigorously itching her skin.
"Are you going to read it?"
"Not now. T-This is too much right now."
"It's okay. Even the strongest people need breaks."
"Says you." Fluttershy turns her head and Rainbow relaxes when she sees a slight smile. "You're the strongest person I know and you don't take breaks."
"Which makes you a better stronger person than me." They both let out hallowed smiles. Fluttershy's speech echoed through a valley of blurred grief clouding Rainbow's head.
"Flutters, I know and I will be apologizing for it for the rest of my life that we fell apart last year, and I am so sorry that you had to go through all of that on your own. I never knew that she kept her health status away from you or that you had another guardian."
"Which reminds me, I have to contact her. She lives in Canterlot near to where Pinkie lives, and she has a son of her own. My mom knew her from work. They weren't really friends, but she owed my mom a huge favour. Somehow she agreed to be my guardian and be legally responsible for me until I'm nineteen."
"Do any of our friends know this? Have you told them?"
"Not particularly. Rarity I've told the most, but never the whole thing. And when Twilight organized that field trip, she saw my guardian's signature on the forms. I know I should lean more to my friends, and it's not like I don't want to, it's just, I don't like burdening people with my life, unless it's someone like you who has already seen my worst. Obviously, people have seen me cry over and over again. But you've seen my night terrors, panic attacks, stage frights— all of it." She corrected herself. "Most of it."
Fluttershy shifted, leaning more towards Rainbow, her skin jumping and tickling from her heavy heart. "Can we talk about something else please?"
"Yeah, of course. Um... you said you helped deliver Winona's puppies?"
Fluttershy lit up, and her body felt lighter at the mention of animals. Only now she realized how long she has gone without a critter's company. Before the animal shelter shut down, she was able to interact with dogs, cats, hamsters, snakes, bunnies, fish and birds. Now, she was deprived from it. Twilight was currently looking after Angel and Pinkie Pie was looking after Tank. Oh how she wished to see the familiar critters again.
"Yeah, five of them! Applejack told me that she's keeping two of them and the rest are in the process of getting adopted. She still needs to wait a bit for the younger ones to be able to be away from Winona, but that time should come soon."
"Do you know what she named them?"
"I think Apple Bloom came up with names. In honour of their parents, I think it's Buttercup and Bright. Here I have photos, hold on." Fluttershy spoke with a smile Rainbow wished she could capture like a butterfly, instead she admired its beauty and watched as it eventually flutters away.
Dear Fluttershy,
I think I have to be honest and say that I have put off writing this for a while. Because as much as I have accepted that I am going to die, I don't think I can say an acceptable goodbye. My goodbye for your father was stolen, and rather poetically, I repeat history. I hope this letter finds you well and that you are willing to hear my cowardice goodbye, my limitless love for you and my most profound apology.
All year, I tried to justify myself for shutting you out. And when I finally couldn't, I was already too far gone. Originally, I thought that if I kept this from you, then you wouldn't care as much and you wouldn't be in much grief or pain because of me. I somehow convinced myself that it was reasonable and played the part. Now it is the deepest regret I have in my life, but I am still too ashamed that I let it get this far and cowardice to change it with the limited time I have left.
I tried to raise you right. And I am so proud of you for being such a kind and caring soul. But I know that I also gave you traits that you would get bullied for and made fun of and I am sorry for that. You watched me cower in fear each time a landlord or a coworker asserted their dominance or you saw me choke up and panic when talking to others I am not familiar with. I unintentionally taught you my fear and timidness.
Aside from that, my greatest accomplishments are what I did right by you. After your father passed, I strongly debated what I had to look forward to in life and the answer was always you. I kept fighting and persisted so that you could have a happy childhood and success in the field that you love. That is also a reason why I am still so against you moving here. Stardome Veterinary University would be so fortunate to have someone as gifted and passionate about fauna as you and the idea of you leaving that dream of yours terrifies me.
I hope for when you hear about my death and fully register how bad of a dying mother I have been to you this past year, that you are surrounded by those who deeply care for you and that you can be supported by them. Whether it's Rainbow Dash or someone else, you find that reason to keep breathing despite the grief trying to suffocate you. You were mine a few years ago.
As for my possessions, I pass down everything to you. You decide what you want to do with them. As for my ashes, I have one request.
Fluttershy screamed in frustration, the first time she ever has. Somehow the last sentence that her mother ever wrote was the one that involved her ashes, the very ones that she was cradling in her arms now. She could imagine her mother writing the sentence with a thought in mind, but thought that she would have another day to write the rest.
It was just Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, watching the ocean bleed the colours of the sunset on a log bench that looked out from coastal, rocky shores. Her plan was to spread the ashes, make them soar into the sky as high as they could fly, and watch as it falls down to the ocean, letting her soul to rest in beautiful waves and swim with floating petals from the flowers her death received.
But what if that wasn't what she wanted? What if her one request was to be spread in her garden and used to grow flowers that outlive her? What if it was to be free in the same place her father was, back in Canterlot? What if she wanted her ashes to be immortalized, encased in a ring or a necklace?
Rainbow tried to reassure Fluttershy, but for the first time in her life, it didn't work.
Fluttershy was crumbling under pressure and the sun trying to hide beneath the horizon was mocking her. It was getting exhausting, being this fragile and crying over and over again in this short period of a day. At a certain point, her bleeding heart lulled itself to sleep, a numbing cry tearing herself apart.
Distancing herself from the bench, she closed her eyes and profoundly exhaled, seeing only black. Her arms cradled the urn and her letter she left behind, Rainbow Dash holding it so that it doesn't fly away. She imagined her mom's words, the ones she never said and finished the last line of her letter.
Gently, she opened her eyes, and she went back to hold Rainbow's hand. Rainbow put her letter in her pocket to keep it safe and followed her. They laid flower petals— only a few— on the ocean surface, the wind drifting them further and further away. With only a few moments before the sun tucked itself to bed, Fluttershy kissed the urn and carefully opened it. She exhaled, and so did the breeze as it brought gray ashes with it. It flew in the shape of a butterfly before it fell down gently to the idyllic waters, some even landing on the petals.
"Goodbye mom," she whispered, watching the scene as a moment that she will never let go of so long as she lives. She side hugged Rainbow, craving for warmth for her body and heart. Rainbow's arms fell into the perfect places— she moved so that she was behind Fluttershy, and had her arms over her shoulder and across her body. Fluttershy couldn't even try to fall if her body so desperately wanted to fold itself in. Instead, she melted into the warmth as Rainbow kissed the side of her head, and like it was a daily habit, cried until the moon crawled across the sky.
Fluttershy's letter was in the right pocket. Hers was on the left. That's what Rainbow told herself.
They stopped by the nursing care home and picked up Blossom Shy's belongings. By the end, it was like she never existed to the place at all. It was clean and ready for the next soul to either fall into an eternal slumber within those walls or survive to see their room become vacant.
Rainbow loaded the trunk with all the belongings for Fluttershy to fully sort through when she was back home. The home of which she wasn't sure of. Shining Armor and Cadence were stopping by so by the time she gets there, the guest bedroom of Twilight's will be occupied. That's when Rainbow suggested she could stay with her.
"Dashie, you've done so much for me already. I feel like I owe you something."
"Flutters, we're long past the stage where we 'owe' each other things. That's just our relationship and how it works."
"What about your parents?"
"My mom loves you. She'll be fine with it. My dad doesn't love much, but I don't think he'll care. I actually think I'll have to talk to them when we get back." Rainbow was driving. Fluttershy tried to do it, but she was reminded that her grief will be the one controlling the wheel. The thought of them getting into an accident because she triggered some deep emotional turmoil within her tormented her— instantly getting reminded of how her father died.
"About what? If you don't mind."
"Just— about me and how they've been making me feel. I haven't had that conversation in a while. I never had it with my dad. My mom— I know she's trying to be better. And she has. It's just not always enough when she talks about my games with me."
"What are the kind of things she'd say?"
"I mean when I passed out last time, she saw me wake up and nearly immediately told me 'it's a shame you have to miss your basketball game because of this'. Which, yeah sure, but it felt like she prioritized my game over me. And there have been times where similar things happened."
She listened to her words and sat through the silence. It was nearing midnight and she'd been trying hard not to sleep. She reclined her head to rest and closed her eyes temporarily. "Dashie, can you promise me something?"
Recently, Rainbow realised that the closer they were and the more comfortable they were with each other, the more Fluttershy uses 'Dashie' rather than 'Rainbow' and it makes her heart flutter every time. Before yesterday, she hadn't heard her say 'Dashie' in so long, it was like having a crush on her for the first time all over again when she says it. "What is it?"
"If I say the wrong thing or I do something that pressures you in that way, can you promise to tell me right away? Of course I'll try to be careful with it, but I don't know how my words come across sometimes."
Rainbow only smiled, "You trying already means so much. And yeah, I promise."
They stopped by a twenty-four hour convenient store and bought four slices of pizza as their dinner. They ate on the bench outside the store and continued to drive for a little more until they reached a motel. It was a different motel than the one they stayed previously— this one was further from Canterlot.
After they both showered and changed, Fluttershy asked while sitting on the bed, "Can I have my letter?",
Fluttershy's letter was in the left pocket. Hers was on the right. That's what Rainbow told herself. "Yeah, of course."
Fluttershy took the letter, almost immediately realizing that this one wasn't for her. She read it almost too quickly, having to reread words and parts again.
Dear Rainbow Dash,
It has been a while, hasn't it? I do hope that all is well. I am going to be quite direct in this letter. I already have limited time left— it would be foolish to waste any of it.
Fluttershy just told me that she will be moving here after high school ends. Actually, I think she's considering moving earlier than that. I truly think she's making a big mistake doing that. No matter how much I try to talk sense into her, she doesn't see that this would be a grave mistake. You know how much Fluttershy has wanted to be a vet and I'd absolutely hate for her not to achieve that because of me. She deserves to at least give SVU a chance. So I'm writing to you because I was hoping that you could convince her as well. Before it is too late, she should live the life that she has worked so hard towards. Unlike the life that I've lived, I do not want grief to set her back too far. And I know how hard I am making this for her— and believe me, it breaks my heart to not be able to see her one last time— but I know that in the long run, Fluttershy will be much happier and loved. That's what I want above all.
I also have one last request. When I am gone, please take care and look out for my daughter for me. I know you have already done that since you were both seven. Fluttershy would always tell me how much she admired you like a hero. She would constantly boast about how you saved her from her bullies and other mean people. You cared for her so amazingly in the past decade that I know that you will do a great job caring for her now. I am sorry if I am putting a lot of pressure on you, but I know when I am no longer here, Fluttershy will need you.
I do not want to pry and ask why you two are not talking to each other anymore. I just know that one day, you hurted her, and that really affected her. But it has been clear since day one that she still loves and cherishes you. So, please Rainbow Dash. As my last dying wish, apologize and make up for whatever young mistakes you have made and continue to be the beacon of hope for Fluttershy that I know that you have always been.
— Kind regards, Blossom Shy
Halfway through, Rainbow realized her mistake. Her eyes widened and checked the other pocket. She read the first line, 'Dear Fluttershy...'. She cursed to herself.
"When did you get this?"
"Um... I opened it the day you told me you're mom passed away. But I think it was left delivered and unopened for a week or two." She was scared. She hoped Fluttershy wouldn't be mad at her for it. Instead, however, she did something even more daunting, and stayed quiet.
"Are you mad at me?" Rainbow asked hesitantly, sitting down on the bed beside her.
"What? No. Why would I be?"
"I don't know. Because I didn't tell you or something?"
"No, it's perfectly understandable why you didn't tell me. I also couldn't imagine the conversation we would've had before I got my letter." But there were still something that bothered Fluttershy about the letter in her hands. Soft fingers lifted her chin up where she met the gaze of her former lover.
"But what?" She asked softly.
"Two things. The first: I'm sorry for the pressure this might have caused you. Now I am realizing how much of an affect my excitement for you might have. Being tasked to be a 'beacon of hope' is such a heavy ask and it isn't fair to you. If this is too much, you don't have to stay."
"What? No, of course I'm staying. Here, with you as long as you want me."
Fluttershy slowly smiled before looking at the ground before hesitantly asking, "And secondly, y-you're not— you're not here only because she told you to, right?"
At that point Rainbow had to laugh. "What? Of course not, silly. Sure, the letter motivated me that day to make you stay in Canterlot, but I'm here regardless of it and would've done everything I did the same."
"Why are you here?"
"Because I love you." Rainbow breathed out like it was the easiest confession she ever said. "Because I love you, and I want to be someone you can break down to in moments like these."
"You love me?"
"Did you ever had a doubt?"
"Evidently." Fluttershy muttered. "The last time you said those words, you broke up with me. I wrote a journal called 'All Of My Unrequited Love For You'. And yeah, of course, now I know so much more, but— I don't know. You never said it much."
Rainbow's heart ached. Everyday, her love for Fluttershy grows expansively and it shattered Rainbow when she realized Fluttershy didn't feel it. Rainbow's hand cupped the side of her cheek, Fluttershy leaning into the comfort, closing her eyes in fatigue and warmth. When she opened her eyes, her breath got caught in her throat from the lovestruck sight of Rainbow Dash— and the look was exclusively and incandescently for her.
"You know, I read your book. And though I loved it, I have a few critiques."
"Oh?"
"First of all, that character 'Rainbow Dash', total idiot. Secondly, the title is inaccurate."
"What should it be called instead?"
"Something like, 'All Of My Requited Love For You' or something similar." Fluttershy smiled like the sun. Rainbow wanted her lips to burn onto her and taste the sunlight. In a faint whisper, she asked, "Can I kiss you?"
Fluttershy smiled like the sun. Rainbow wanted her lips to burn onto her and taste the sunlight. In a faint whisper, she asked, "Can I kiss you?"
"Can I kiss you?" Rainbow said, clearly in a wrecked state. Fluttershy tilted her head at that question. It was after school and Rainbow texted her asking to meet her at the bleachers, on the field behind the school. It was a cloudy day, but it wasn't that cold. No one else was there that day.
"Of course you can, Dashie." Rainbow pulled her in, Fluttershy's legs on her lap and cradling her. She leaned in and kissed her out of selfish desperation. Even from that kiss, Fluttershy could tell something was happening. Rainbow never kissed her like this. She never kissed her like it would be the last one. She never held her so close she would leave marks. She never breathed so few the moments passed by slower.
When they leaned apart, Fluttershy saw a world of devastation in her eyes. With her delicate hands, she wiped her tears away, kissing her cheeks and embellishing them with a red glow that spread across Rainbow's cheeks. It looked like it hurt Rainbow when she took Fluttershy's arms away, kissing the back of her hand before gasping out, "I love you."
Fluttershy's heart should've jumped in glee. She should've felt like she was on cloud nine and frolicking down a field of sunflowers. She should've wanted to cherish that moment for all of eternity. But she wasn't. Words that should've sounded like a promise to her heart, sounded like a goodbye.
"I love you too." Fluttershy spoke confusingly, but she meant each word.
Those words impacted Rainbow Dash more than it should've. There were a lot of things that should have gone a certain way, but fate and perhaps its players struck a misfortune.
"I-I love taking nature walks with you, and I love our late night instrument practing sessions, and I love napping together when it's raining outside. I love loving you." Fluttershy gleamed at those words, but each time she was happy, it got struck down by Rainbow's words breaking down and the tears that were streaming down her face.
"But—" Rainbow started, getting interrupted by the shatter of her heart.
"But what?"
"I-I need time apart."
"What?"
"W-we need to break up."
"I don't understand."
"This isn't because of you. Please don't ever think that. But I need time to not be in a relationship."
Rainbow felt like dying when she saw tears mirrored on Fluttershy's face. "You just said you loved me."
"And I do! So much. But that's also why we need to break up."
"You're being so confusing." She spoke whilst choking back sobs.
"I know. I'm sorry. And I'll make it worse by being unable to tell you right now. I can't even explain it right now because I don't even know." Her own tears ruined her. It broke her down to smaller and sharper pieces for her to later rebuild herself like a kintsugi. Fluttershy still sat close to her lap, yet she distanced herself away, trying to process it all and it will take a dozen of moon cycles before she can.
Rainbow Dash swore in her head, trying to resist the urge to comfort her out of habit, even if the reason she's crying was because of her. Eventually, it won over, bringing Fluttershy close so that they can cry in each other's arms. At first, Fluttershy flinched and even tried to fight it, but her emotions got the better of her and no matter how many times she told herself to in that moment, she couldn't let go.
Fluttershy held her head between Rainbow's neck and shoulder, hearing a hurting heartbeat that she couldn't identify as hers or not. The words she now spited rang in her ear, I love you... I love you... I love you... continuously until all the lights of the world shut down.
I love you... I love you... I love you... She had previously choked up on tears trying to say those words the last time. Her eyes foresought a tsunami as she said them and still sailed right into the thunderous wave. Now the words were as easy as breathing, like it could bring her back to life.
Fluttershy was still traumatized by those words from the last time. Can I kiss you? I love you.It has been engraved into her veins and has flowed her blood and her tears to the pounding chambers of her heart. So when she heard those exact words said by the same lips she used to worship, it had her hesitate. It quivered and ached as a reminder of what happened the last time. I love you... I love you... I love you...
Just when she started to make her foreign too. Her smell wasn't in her room or in her car anymore. The scent of an autumn breeze and a clean cloth flying through it that she loves when she hugs her. Her gym bag wasn't in the corner of her room with her school bag. The bag that she embroidered Rainbow's name on. Her sport games and practices schedule nearly became unknown to her. She would come to as many of the games she could to support her and had her practice times memorized. Her songbook wasn't on the bedside table next to her. The notebook that she'd annotate with her pretty pens about lyrics that were about her. The small gestures she does when she kisses were becoming foreign. She was starting to forget how Rainbow would press herself onto her to deepen the kiss or the way she would lace her fingers on her jaw and neck on quicker kisses. I love you... I love you... I love you...
But the one thing she once feared she could never make foreign, (I love you... I love you... I love you...) was that she loved her. No matter how many moments and objects she tries to forget, she remembers it all once she looks at Rainbow Dash and is reminded over and over again:
I love you... I love you... I love you...
And so when she is asked that question again, in a motel room that is as cold as that day on the bleachers, she says yes.
Rainbow pulled her in with a similar tone of desperation as that lonely day many moon cycles ago. But it was laced with something different this time. She handled her desire with care and hope. Her hand moved so that her fingers lightly drag her neck towards her, her thumb still caressing her cheek. She guided her to her lips, a place they both cherished as their Neverland.
Fluttershy missed this. She missed Rainbow's gentleness with her and the slow bite she does on her bottom lip. She missed her hands finding new places to make her shiver. She missed the way her heart fluttered and in an instant, it felt like they were floating.
Rainbow felt like she was already pushing the limits, so she separated, but Fluttershy immediately countered, their lips reuniting once again. Rainbow smiled into the kiss, Fluttershy feeling the curving of her lips on hers. Just like old habits, Rainbow leaned into the kiss, deepening it until Fluttershy fell back onto the bed. Her arms went around Rainbow's neck and they breathed into the kiss, her body feeling ticklish with lovebugs crawling on both of them.
They're foreheads leaned against each other after they separated, both gasping for air. Suddenly the motel room didn't feel so cold. In a sultry voice, Rainbow whispered, "I love you."
"I love you too." Fluttershy smiled beautifully.
Rainbow kissed her again, "I love you". Then she kissed her forehead, then her cheek and continued from her jaw to her neck, each time repeating those three words. And each time, Fluttershy felt it as those lips cherished and re-explored her body.
It was like training a puppy or a kitten, associating words with treats so they react to their owner's commands. Previously, Rainbow ruined I love you's for Fluttershy. Those words only reminded her of the devastating breakup and her broken heart. She was haunted by those words and would cry fear that someone else will leave her from them. Now the same person is trying to re-teach the meaning of the words to her. Through a trail of kisses and warm hands, maybe her relationship with those words could be healed.
Rainbow looks up when she reaches her chest. Fluttershy tilts her head back and closes her eyes when thunders rolls through her body. Rainbow asks before she goes further and Fluttershy kisses her in response. She jumps out of her body the further down Rainbow's loving lips explore the deeper parts of her.
And in her head throughout it all, she screams, I love her... I love her... I love her...
When she wakes up, she felt light kisses on her shoulder and warm arms wrapped around her waist. Rainbow groaned when she stirred, realizing the sun wasn't even out yet. She turned around so that she was facing Fluttershy and smiled. Fluttershy placed light kisses on her cheeks and played with her hair that was recently cut into a wolf cut.
"Mmm... What time is it?"
"Six-forty. We need time to drive back home and do any homework. You also said you wanted to talk to your parents."
"What if I don't feel like doing that anymore?" Rainbow spoke, her eyes still closed. "What if I just want to stay here with you?"
"For how long?"
"Forever."
She giggled. "I think you'd get tired of me by then."
Rainbow smiled and pulled her in closer, her head laying on the side of Fluttershy's chest. "Never."
Fluttershy wrapped her arms around her head and kissed her calming hair, Rainbow burying herself into her warmth even more. "I think we can maybe risk another hour." Fluttershy whispered.
She felt Rainbow's lips turn into a smile against her skin, "Perfect."
"Hey, can I talk to you guys?" Rainbow asked her parents. Her mom was finishing up putting the dishes in the washer and her dad was sitting on the couch. Fluttershy kissed her cheek before going upstairs and starting on her homework in Rainbow's room.
"Yeah sure. What's going on? Is this about Fluttershy?" Her mom asked.
"No. Can we sit down?"
Rainbow's dad made room for her mom on the couch and Rainbow stood across from them. "What did you want to talk about?"
"So, when I was at Blossom Shy's funeral, it made me really reflect about you guys and how you affect me. And I am so grateful that you raised me as a champion and always supported me on my wins and achievements. But it has been a noticeable that I struggle a lot sometimes because of your support. And for the first years I was able to handle it, because I didn't have as many things to do at school and I had more time for extracurriculars, but I don't think I can keep doing this, especially when college comes around."
Rainbow saw compassion in her mom's eyes. The same ones she showed when she told her a similar conversation a few months ago. Her father, however, scoffed. "What is this? We pay for all your competitions and your practices and now we're the bad guys? I didn't make you a star just so you can quit now."
"Honey, she has been struggling because of it." Her mom spoke, her head now turned to her husband.
"I don't care. I was all sad and depressed for most of my life, that doesn't mean I suddenly turn into a failure. This sad bullshit is not acceptable."
This led Rainbow to speak up. "Do you not care at all that I've been so mentally messed up until it affects my sports performance?"
"Sports is a mental arena. If you are not fit for it, you have to work past it until it sticks."
"You are proving her point. You should care that she ends up hospitalized or needs a two hundred dollar an hour therapist because of us." Her mother spoke.
"Oh are you two ganging up on me now? I have supported you two through it all and this is the mistreatment I get?" He was getting more and more angry. "You should show me the respect that I fucking deserve. If only you weren't a whore and got me a son instead, then this wouldn't ever been an issue. Now I am living with two disappointments."
That was when her mom realized that she didn't love him enough to stay with him anymore. There used to be a time when he wasn't like this. There used to be a time where her heart bounced when he called her name. But her heart hasn't felt that way in decades. Instead, her legs freeze and her hands feel heavy with anger.
Rainbow froze. This was the worst she has ever seen her dad. She has never seen him boil so many regrets and so many degradations to her or her mom. Because as much as her dad resents her for not being a boy, he does— if not more— blame it on his wife.
She stood up and kissed Rainbow's forehead before she whispered, "Go upstairs and get Fluttershy. Pack a bag. I promise everything will turn out okay."
Rainbow, still shocked and her arms shaking, did as she was told, looking back at her mom throwing her ring and shouting at him. She opened the door and Fluttershy sat on her bed reading a Shakespeare poem for English. Tears now swelled up in Rainbow's eyes, red blushed behind her magenta iris, as she choked out, "S-she told us to leave. Now."
So overwhelmed, Fluttershy packed her things for her. She remembers which shirts she liked the best and the items she cherished the most. Most of Fluttershy's things were in the car— they had transferred her things from Sunset's van to hers and a storage unit half an hour away. Rainbow put Tank in his cage and grabbed Fluttershy's journal. She thanked herself for leaving her electric guitar at Applejack's garage where the group would practice.
Despite it all, she knew her mother's plan. So she sneaked to their bedroom and took a few things for her mom.
Still fighting downstairs, the two sneaked past her parents, her mom glancing at the departing figures. Once they were outside, she left as well, leaving a man and his life disintegrate in his striking and furious hands, smashing beer bottles on his daughter's walls and destroying his wife's vanity and bed frame.
Her mom knew someone who could let them stay temporarily. They had one guest bedroom and bathroom where Fluttershy was showering after a long day of traveling and constantly moving. Her body has become used to all this change, but deep down she knew that her emotions would be delayed and would soon overwhelm her. She just needs an anchor to stay throughout the ever-changing world, and she is relieved to say she found one through Rainbow Dash. And she is hers.
Originally, Fluttershy suggested that she sleeps on the couch of the living room and that Rainbow and her mom can occupy the guest bedroom, however, her mom against it and Fluttershy folded nearly immediately. Rainbow set her things up before collecting the items she stole for her mom.
It wasn't too much. It was the necklace her grandmother got her, her phone and her wallet. Her mom cried when she saw them and pulled her daughter into a hug. "I'm so sorry"
"Mom, it's okay."
"I know I have said this before and I have broken my promise, but I really am trying to be better for you."
Rainbow's tears almost instantly. "I know you are, and I feel the changes, it's just the small things you say."
"I'm sorry."
"What's going to happen with dad?"
"Well, I sure want a divorce."
"Will we be okay?"
Her mom smiled sweetly. "Yeah." She kissed her forehead and hugged her goodnight.
Rainbow felt strangely numb when she entered the room, her breathing eased when she saw Fluttershy sitting down on the bed with paper and a pen in her hand. The room did not have a table and had a built-in wardobe, so there was no surface to write. Because even through all of this, they still had school the next day.
When she saw her at the closed door, Fluttershy put aside her work and opened her arms for Rainbow to fall into her— her face burying into her hair and collarbone. She breathed in her soft skin and melted into her warmth. Fluttershy's fingers untangled strands of her hair and closed her eyes to soak into the moment. Rainbow fell beside her and they stared each other, laying sideways on a bed, recreating a scene empty ceilings across Canterlot and beyond have seen time after time again.
"Are you okay?" Fluttershy asked softly.
"Yeah," Rainbow's thumb drew circles on her cheek, "I have you."
She kissed into her sweet breath and Fluttershy's heart fluttered. "Are you okay?"
"If you're here with me, I'll be okay."
The view from their place stretched across urban horizon as sunlight kissed them goodnight. Small sparkles reminding her of stars or fireflies glowed across the city landscape. Their apartment suite was considerably high up and it overwhelmed Fluttershy at first, but she grew to love cloud watching from this height and admiring the view of the park from there.
Fortune held their hands and guided them when they chose this place. The location was perfect— it was nearly equal distance to the university and college that Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash respectively attended. This part of city was undeniably urban, yet it never forget to shower in nature and spread its luscious vines. Their suite itself is quite compact— it is one of the smallest and cheapest of the building— however, it was perfect for the two.
On her desk where she studied, she displayed her favourite books that she continually rereads, starting with Daring Do to the Power Ponies to Fluttershy's journal. She checked the time and her calendar for the week. She has track and soccer for her extracurriculars and that was it. With her sports schedule being cut significantly, she has been able to focus on her college work. She has gotten a sports scholarship and is studying kinesiology. She knows she wants to be some sort of coach or personal trainer and become a exercise physiologist to help people who were struggling like her.
She checked the time again, seeing thick darkness flying slowly in the wintry night and Fluttershy wasn't back yet. Angel was sleeping on her lap— they used to hate each other's company, but they got more comfortable with each other by the second year. Tank always laid beside her desk, eating the last pieces his dinner.
Suddenly, she received a text from her mom. Her divorce was finalized months ago, but her dad still bothered her, resulting in involving the police. She has her own apartment now and she lives half an hour away from them. The text is confirmation that they can make it to dinner the following weekend. They meet up at her mom's place for supper once every one to two months.
Rainbow sent back a text when she heard the door knob rattle. She jumped out of her chair, apologizing to a very frustrated and tired Angel Bunny who scowled at her before curling his body and sleeping next to Tank. Fluttershy stood with a tired spine at the doorway, and placed her tote bag carrying her three textbooks on the floor, then hung her mint-green puffer coat on the stand next to her after locking the door. Fluttershy's smile turned into a beautiful phase of the moon when she saw her, but glowed the same light of the sun. Rainbow kissed her cheek before fully embracing her into her loving arms. Fluttershy's tired body would slump into the empty spaces of Rainbow's and they would breath the same stars. Every day they replayed the same moment at the doorway, and Rainbow loved it. Every day for the past one and a half to two years, but neither ever got tired of it.
"I'm sorry I'm late. I hope you weren't waiting for too long."
"Don't worry. How was classes today?"
"It's all getting more intense and technical. But I like the pace that it's going." They now separated and Fluttershy started to change into more comfortable clothes. "SeaMeadow asked me out today."
SeaMeadow was Fluttershy's colleague and they worked on a report together before. Rainbow suddenly felt a spark of some emotion she couldn't quite place. It was the same feeling she got when she heard that Fluttershy was seeing a guy back when Sunset broke them off. It was the same spark and the same tug at her heart.
"Oh. What did you say?"
Fluttershy saw Rainbow's face and recognized her thoughts. "Dashie," she cupped her face and kissed away the frown on her forehead, "I told him that there's a girl that I love more than anything waiting for me at our apartment."
Rainbow's smile gleamed and it warmed Fluttershy's skin and bones. "I didn't mean for it to come out that way. I just thought it was kind of crazy that someone asked me out."
"Why would it be crazy? I can't blame them for trying, I mean look at you." Rainbow spoke before placing kissed on her wrists. "Did you eat anything?"
"I had ramen. I bought you another one."
"Thanks, but I think I'm too tired to eat right now."
They began their nightly routines together. It was near midnight and Rainbow had a test in her first class tomorrow. They brushed their teeth and Fluttershy took a quick shower. Rainbow was done much quicker and was in bed with her laptop, reviewing her notes before the stress-inducing assessment the next day. Their bedroom was still quite empty. Neither had too much money or time to decorate the place. Still, it was all perfect.
They upgraded from mattress on the floor to a frame half a year ago. Fluttershy used her fairy lights and vines from her old bedroom to curl around the headboard. She also crocheted a round rug to put underneath. Rainbow put her additions as well. She put up soft grunge style band and sport posters. They share the closet and the contents inside, smiling brighter every time they see each other wear their clothes.
Tonight, Fluttershy wore one of Rainbow's band shirts they went to the concert of two months before. When she came out of the bathroom, Rainbow smiled and put her laptop to the side. She opened her arms for Fluttershy to fall into. Rainbow wrapped her arms around her, bringing her close and smelling her freshly shampooed hair that smelled like lavender shea butter but wasn't overwhelming in scent.
Fluttershy kissed into Rainbow's sighing breath and laid on her chest after, hearing her favourite song playing on repeat beneath and relaxing her stiff body to it. They both closed their eyes and breathed into each other, leaning into each other's touch because even if it has been over a decade, they still feel quiet sparks in their restless hearts when the other plays with their hair or traces their jaw and cheek. They were each other's maps and they explored each vein and bruise everyday.
"Have I ever told you I love you?" Rainbow muttered into her temple.
"You may have mentioned it."
"Well, I guess I'll have to say it again. I love you."
"Which parts?"
"All of it. All of you."
"I love all of you too."
Rainbow turns off the light and they sleep the night that has already passed the horizon of morning and its moon watched the lovers whisper a thousand confessions of love through their words and touch. The stars that ressemble fireflies burn in requited love that survives to see a hybrid solar eclipse and beyond.