All Of My Unrequited Love For You

by ButterflyEclipse

Sweet as Apple

"Rainbow? Can we talk?"

"Yeah sure, AJ. What's up?" Rainbow was sitting on Applejack's living room couch, rereading Blossom Shy's letter again and again. "What did you want to talk about?"

"About us."

"Oh..." She shifted awkwardly in her seat, "If this is about last night, Fluttershy and I were just hugging and accidentally fell asleep. I promise that—"

"That ain't what I wanted to talk about. Well sorta, but not entirely. I think it might be best for us to end whatever this is between us."

"What? Why?"

"It always feels like you were never present in this relationship. It's like you'd rather be somewhere else. Or maybe with someone else."

"Is this about Fluttershy?"

"You tell me." Applejack regretted her words, "But it also doesn't matter. I don't know if something happened between you two, and it'd make a lot of sense if you guys did— but that still doesn't justify your behavior."

"My behavior?" She now stood up, "Applejack, I do like you."

"Are you sure you're not just saying that?"

"Why would I be lying?"

"It doesn't necessarily have to be a lie. It's just you barely show any feelings towards me. You are always hesitant when it comes to me. Like when I offered to massage your leg you were pretty damn reluctant. And whenever I touch you— even if it's for a slight second, you flinch. You can't even be comfortable around me or show any signs of content when you're around me and here you are telling me you like me?"

"No- I- I'm sorry. I'm sorry I reacted like that. I truly am. I never wanted to hurt you."

Applejack studied her face. She sighed and tilted her head back in frustration, "I believe you." She groaned cause she knew that Rainbow meant it. None of it was purposeful, but part of that hurt more than if it were.

"Are you okay?" Rainbow asked delicately.

"I think a part of me knew that you didn't like me as much as I liked you, since the beginning. But o'course, I was too stubborn to admit it. I told myself that maybe romance just isn't something you show too often. Pretty soon, it was easy not to have feelings when there was nothing to attach itself to. All my feelings were to a person who was barely there. I know it's a different case for ya and Fluttershy. It might be subtle, but I see the feelings you have for her. You do show romance, it just wasn't towards me."

"C-Can I explain myself, first?"

"Go on."

"I know you prefer the truth so... I'll just say it. I did love Fluttershy. I don't know if I still do. I tried to move on from my feelings for both of our sake, because I hurted her so badly. Mentally I was in a terrible state and by the time I felt better, it would be nearly a year that we wouldn't interact. And then, I'm now in a happier state. When we started hanging out a lot more, I realized that I did feel something for you, but I wasn't able to tell what it was. I think I knew that I liked you as a best friend and someone who I could spend my time with and not get tired of. But when Fluttershy and I slowly started talking again, I realized that my feelings for her are completely different. But now— I just don't know anymore. She means a lot to me. Of course she does. I've known her for more than a decade. When I found out that she was leaving all of a sudden, I got really scared. I didn't want to lose her."

"I understand, Rainbow. Which is why you should go and talk to her now and tell her all of that. If not for me, do it for her."

"I know. But I also don't want to lose you as a friend, Applejack. I don't deserve a single sliver of your time and I have been the greatest asshole of the century. I have messed up so many times and I don't deserve your forgiveness. But if by chance, you'd be willing, I will spend the next decades trying to make things right."

"You won't lose me as a friend. If we can get past the time Sunset tried to mess with us when she was still the mean gal before, we can get through this. I don't doubt it. Just give me time, please. I promise I'll come around, I just need time."

"Thank you Applejack. And take all you the time you need. Again, I am really really sorry."

"It's alright. Now run-along to Fluttershy, Dash." Rainbow threw a hug onto Applejack before leaving swiftly. Applejack sighed as she laid back on her couch. She was a strong person, she was bound to get through this. She gave herself another minute before burying herself with chores to take her mind off.

---

"Hey Twi, Flutters is staying with you, right?" Rainbow asked, she took off her bomber jacket and let it fall on the doorway, where she normally puts it at home. Twilight, however, in minimal movements, picked the jacket up and took it to another room to hang it. When she came back, only then she replied.

"Yeah. She's staying in the guest room for now. Do you know what happened to her? She seems— how do I put lightly-—unstable?"

"She'll tell you when she's ready. Can I check up on her?"

"Of course! Spike and I will be running a quick errand while you're gone. Could you lock the door from the inside?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Thanks. I will be back in a bit!"

And once again, they were alone together. Fluttershy couldn't quite describe it, but she could tell from the way the person breathed and the way their footsteps dragged the ground ever so slightly that she could recognize as the one and only Rainbow Dash. Her voice gave it away exponentially. She was convinced that she could sense Rainbow even if she had only one sense left— whichever one it was. Well, perhaps not taste, but then again, she still remembers how her lips pressed and tasted against hers, and the love kisses she traveled her body curves with. However, the memory was starting to feel foreign, which she knows it should. Months ago, she should have started forgetting the smell and touch of her hair or the taste of her lips or the sound that she makes when she wakes up or the sight of her eyes when they're in love, but deep down she couldn't find it in herself to let them go.

"Hey," Rainbow spoke softly. Fluttershy turned around and returned with a slight smile, "What are you doing?" She saw the notebook and calendars spread across the twin-sized bed.

"I'm trying to plan for summer break and next year."

"What do you got so far?"

"I still want to go to North Mossbay so that I can attend my mom's funeral. That will have to take a few days so I may have to skip a day of school to make it. After that, I have school to figure out. Assuming that SVU even wants me anymore considering how long I'm taking to accept to their application, I will need a roommate because I really can't afford rent."

"Are you kidding? SVU will definitely still want you. You can legit talk to animals like you're some magical fairytale princess. They wouldn't miss out on opportunity like that. And I think there are some perfect roommate options, as well."

"I mean, I already asked some people and three people have said they will think about being my roommate."

"Who?"

"Vinyl Scratch, Bulk Biceps and Pinkie. Vinyl is certainly the calmest and perhaps best option out of the three. Her and I could still write and compose songs which would be fun. Thing is, I would feel really guilty if I end up being roommates with her, especially when her and Octavia are so close. I know they were trying to become roomates as well. With Bulk, I don't know. I've been to his place for a small project and every room was very messy with heavy weights everywhere and a protein shake spill in at least every room. I need a roommate who will keep some kind of maintenance and will clean up after themselves. Now, Pinkie— she's slightly tough. I mean friends wise, her and I are definitely the closest and it may be fun to be roommates with her. I just fear that she will host too many college parties and make a very anxiety-inducing environment for me."

"Are you really going to sit there and not think about the most obvious roommate?"

"Who? Am I forgetting someone?"

"Me. You're forgetting me."

"No, of course I didn't forget you."

"Then why—" she pointed to the clutter, circling it with her finger, "all of this?"

"Aren't you and Applejack going to be roommates?"

"Um. AJ and I sort of broke up."

"Oh... I'm so sorry."

"Don't be, it wasn't your fault. Well—" she stopped herself before she could say more, but Fluttershy caught on. She immediately started to panic. A tsunami of guilt drowned her. "I mean— even if we were still together, I don't think that would change us being roommates."

"Oh, I thought— are you sure you don't want to be roommates with someone else? Maybe Sunset or Soarin?"

"Who else could I possibly be able to live with for months if not years? Only you, Flutters."

"But, what if we became too distant when we stopped talking—"

"Yet we're still talking like old pals right now."

"I just want to note it in case..." Her words drifted away. She felt pure guilt slip down her throat, her lungs filling in with bitter remorse and drowning in resent.

Something shifted in Rainbow, a cold-heart realization that slipped through her head, "Flutters, do you not want to be roommates with me?"

She sat still, she couldn't bring herself to look at her friend. If she could even call her that. No. She fought in her head. She was still her friend. Maybe not the best one, but one nevertheless.

Rainbow stuttered. "H-have we changed so much that you don't want to be roommates with me anymore?" She knew it was a stupid and desperate question, and a part of her was dreading the answer since before she asked it.

"I'm sorry Rainbow. A part of me does want to be roommates with you. I mean our plan in middle school was perfect. You would have been the perfect roommate to have. I would have absolutely loved living with my best friend through college."

"So what changed?"

"Us."

"What about us?"

"Our friendship."

"Aren't we still friends?"

"I don't know, are we?" Fluttershy felt her words slip up out of her mouth. She hated that her frustration was taking advantage of this moment, but she couldn't help it. Before she could think thoroughly, she spoke back, "Cause it really feels like we aren't anymore."

"What do you mean? Of course we are."

"And how am I supposed to know? You stopped talking to me for an entire year after you broke up with me! You let me suffer completely alone for months! My mom got sick and had to move away— the only family I had left—, the animal shelter shut down— I lost my job and my animal friends— and I lost my bestfriend to a break up I can't tell anyone but you. Were you expecting me to be completely fine that you brushed that off like I was nothing? I don't want to be roommates with you because you hurt me so fucking much." Rainbow flinched at Fluttershy cursing. Fluttershy never cursed. "I tried to leave to North Mossbay without you knowing because I thought that if I never saw you again, then the pain would have to disappear then. Because you know know what the worst part is? It isn't about how you keep abandoning me time and time again. It isn't even about how you broke up with me within the same sentence that you said you loved me. It's how you completely acted like I never existed. It was the way that you acted like we never met. Our friendship was just so easily disposable that it didn't matter to you— I didn't matter to you."

"I'm so sorry for hurting you and abandoning you. Of course our friendship matters to me. You matter to me so much."

"Well you don't make the effort of showing it. I don't know what happened to you Rainbow, but you've been a terrible friend and an overrall bad person. You've hurt me, your old middle school friends and now Applejack because of your inability to maintain longer meaningful relationships. You can win all the soccer championships or other special medals all you want, but if you keep casting aside people who care about you, soon no one will want to." Though Fluttershy was not yelling as much, her tone turned bitter and ultimately the harshest she has ever been to Rainbow. Once her own words registered to herself, it left her speechless. Guilt pinned her tongue to the bottom of her mouth.

That was the worst thing someone has ever said to Rainbow. It was true, goddammit. The words coming from a source such as Fluttershy hit harder than any other comment made about her before. She'd been told that she'd be doomed to an eternity of hell by her religious aunt when she was outed by her cousin. Her aunt used to be her favourite family member. Her teacher humiliated her in front of the entire class, asking her if she was stupid for not being able to solve a mathematic equation and reprimanded her for not knowing the answer. Her dad in a heated argument, wished he had a loyal son than the disappointment in front of him. But being told that she is a bad person and that soon no one will want to care about her, bruised her like no other. Because people like her distant relatives, her teachers and even her parents, she expected to be disappointed in her. Part of their job description is to bring out her potential and exert it to the fullest. But her friends? The only people she has to cling onto? They were the people she begged everyday not to lose. Especially Fluttershy. Ironic, isn't it?

Something within Rainbow snapped as well. Her emotions got the better of her and forced her to shout, "Do you think I had it easy? Do you think you were the only one crying that day we broke up? I'm sorry for ignoring you, but I had a fuck load of shit going on in my life that people, including you, added onto every day. I didn't have the time or the stability to make our relationship work no matter what I tried. Again, I'm sorry for breaking up with you the way I did, but you're not the only one hurting! I had the worst time of my entire goddamn life when we were dating so I'm sorry if I wanted to move on from that time." Rainbow realized how the last part sounded. It wasn't what she intended to say, but it was far too late.

Fluttershy choked on her tears and she struggled to breathe. Dating her was the worst time of her life. Rainbow's words ringed her ears, aching her head to the ground. All of her words were so contradictory it made Fluttershy feel crazy. She doesn't know what to feel anymore when she looks at Rainbow. She's the person she loved the most. She's hurting this much because it is still true.

"F-Flutters." Rainbow gasped. "I-I didn't mean it like— I can explain—"

"Did you read it?"

"What?"

"The book I gave y-you. Did you read it?"

Rainbow was now utterly confused, now with tears of her own. She felt like a baby crying about a light that is too bright. A baby who cries at confusion and hates it when it hurts her. Her entire body feels sensitive— like if she were to fall, her head would explode from contact.

"No, I haven't."

"Just as I predicted." Fluttershy brought herself up, picked up a bag and started to head towards the door.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm sorry for what I said." Fluttershy cringed at how emotionless and disingenuine her apology was. "But I think we still need time to cool off for me to give you a better apology."

---

Fluttershy knocked softly, it would have been almost unheard if Applejack wasn't already on the other side. When she opened the door, she was surprised— truth be told, part of her was waiting for Rainbow to come back even if she knew she wouldn't. She was hoping for that slight chance that Rainbow changed her mind, and chose to love her instead.

"Fluttershy?"

"I'm sorry for coming here like this. Are you busy?"

"I've a few chores left, but I got a break right now. Come in." She invited Fluttershy up to the living room where they would stand in ticklish, daunting silence. It echoed throughout the room and painfully scratched their limbs.

Fluttershy was the first to speak, "I heard from Rainbow that you aren't together anymore." She then went through her bag and pulled out a tub of ice cream and two spoons. "Being friends with Rarity for so long helps in these situations. Don't worry I bought two tubs."

"What flavour?"

"Vanilla. I figured you'd want to pair it with apple pie and caramel."

"That would be just about perfect." Applejack went to the kitchen and Fluttershy followed as they prepared two dishes. "You didn't have to do this, Shy. I'm not that attached to relationships as Rarity. And that's not an insult to Rares, it's just I handle breakups differently from hers."

"I know, but it's still a breakup. I thought you might still want a friend." Fluttershy gave a sweet smile.

"I appreciate it," Applejack smiled back. They brought their plates to the living room, where they sat on the couch whilst taking a bite into the delicacy. "I don't mean this in a bad way, I just thought that'd you'd be consoling Dash over me. You are closer to her than you are to me."

"You're still one of my best friends, Applejack. I was going to come here regardless. I would have brought comfort bunnies, but as you know, the animal shelter shut down. Though, I will admit that the reason that I'm partly here is because I'm... frustrated with Rainbow."

"What did she do this time?"

"I think it just built up over the past several years. It started from her wondering why I wasn't considering her as a roommate and we had a fight. I said terrible things. She said them back."

"How do you mess up a love confession that badly? I mean, I might be partly to blame. I did send her over to you after her and I broke up."

"Wait, what? I'm sorry if this is insensitive, but I have to ask, was I the reason you two broke up?"

"Nah. Well— Ultimately, no. Rainbow and I fell out a while ago and we just broke up officially today. I think the reason Rainbow fell out was because of you." Applejack couldn't help it. She loves Fluttershy as a best friend. They bonded greatly through her farm animals and such. But despite it all, she couldn't help feeling resentment towards her. Applejack feels so guilty having this grudge, but if she doesn't, she doesn't have anything or anyone to blame for her hurt.

"Because of me?"

"Yeah, whatever happened to you two before maybe got resurfaced yesterday. When Rainbow found out you were moving away, she realized that you still mean the world to her."

A moment of realization stunned Fluttershy as she took recognition of their conversation, "Oh my. Applejack I'm so sorry. I came here to help you, but all I've done since I've gotten here was talk about your ex. I am a terrible consoler. The entire reason I'm here is to hopefully make you feel better by not thinking of Rainbow, but I'm just making it about me. Applejack, I'm so sorry."

"Calm down. It's alright, Shy. No, really it makes me feel better that you're here trying to cheer me up." Applejack smiled, but part of her hated it more. Why of all people, did it have to be the nicest person? The kind of nice that you can't hate even if a deep part you wants to. "Did you like her?"

"Huh?"

"Rainbow— did you like her? Don't worry about my feelings, I'm just curious."

"We don't have to talk about her."

"I'm the one asking. I don't mind."

Fluttershy sighed and looked down. "Yes, I did. Maybe I still do. But I'm not going to act on them, I promise. She's your ex, I couldn't live with myself if I did that to you. I already hate myself for letting our friendship fade because you two were together and I was selfish. I broke so many girl codes, Rarity will be furious at me.", with sparking-teared eyes, she continued, "I'm sorry that I hurt you. I absent-mindedly avoided you this year like Rainbow did to me because I was jealous. You're beautiful and so admirable. Anyone would be ridiculous not to realize it. I don't deserve your kindness or forgiveness, but I do want us to stay friends."

It took longer than it should have for Applejack to say her thoughts, but finally she was able to vocalize them. "Shy, it isn't selfish to want to love and be loved. Don't put it against yourself, especially because of me. I'm starting to hate myself for holding a grudge against you, but you're not at fault. It wasn't anyone's intention to hurt each other. And I know Rainbow didn't want to hurt us. She's not a bad person." She had to pause, collect her following thoughts. "From what I know, you like her, and Rainbow likes you back. I don't see any reason to be against that. Neither should you since I'm okay with it. Even if you act on your feelings with Rainbow, we will all still be friends. I promise that much."

"Are you sure? Even if you are at a slightest discomfort—"

"Fluttershy— it's okay."

"You definitely deserve the element of kindness more than me."

"Stop downplaying yourself." She gave Fluttershy a comforting, prolonging hug, "There is not one person who is more deserving of the element than you."

"T-Thank you Applejack." Fluttershy stuttered.

"Now, I know I said what I said, but can we stop talking about Rainbow Dash, now?"

"Oh, yeah of course." She said wiping her tears away with a smile.

"Great," Applejack said whilst taking a bite of the apple pie, but the salty taste of a breakdown logged in her throat soured the piece. "So, you're staying in Canterlot. Are you still planning to go to SVU?"

"Yeah. I still have to find a roommate at the very least."

"So, what made you stay here? I know Pinkie tried her absolute best to make you stay and you know how she gets when she is determined. It seemed that no one could convince you to stay."

"Oh," Fluttershy started to fidget with her spoon, "plans changed in North Mossbay,"

"What do you mean? Weren't you going there to stay with your mom?"

When Applejack didn't get an answer, she looked directly into Fluttershy's sea foam eyes and saw an ocean expanding.

After the mention of her mom and now the pearlescent waterfall down her round cheeks, she knew that when she was hugging her, she was holding herself ten-years ago. She recognized every second of it. She saw herself in the way Fluttershy lost it at the vague mention and how her tears would fall until her own body would be too exasperated to whisper a single word. I know, Applejack whispered in her hair. She herself knew the pain of losing her mom at an always too young age. She started to cry as well when she remembered all the non-existing moments both her and Fluttershy will now have. No proud parental figure to watch at highschool graduation or carry down the aisle if they can ever figure out a love life. No mom who can pass down their jewelry so that their grandchildren can inherit them. No dad to set up the bed in the college dorm room, never showing too much emotion, but just enough to show that he cares. No one to run to when life gets rough and feel safe in the arms of family in a way that's hard to replicate with someone else.

For years, she had a life barely anyone could relate to. Apple Bloom was too young and starting from that point, Big Mac never said too much. She had never felt so utterly alone in her life. Regardless what she did— the kitchen where her mom would make pancakes or the garden where her dad assembled the chicken coop— the memories stained bittersweet, permanent bruises of what she lost. She remember nights where she would be so afraid that her dreams would be filled with memories she will never be able to recreate again, but still, she craved to see them, even if it wasn't real. Then when she'd wake up, she would cry all over again when she runs into her parent's bedroom and sees empty space where her love used to be.

Fluttershy's dad passed away at a very young age. It was like Apple Bloom. They can picture their faces, but nothing else. Applejack couldn't imagine Fluttershy's situation. Being in such a big family, every Apple had a story to tell about her parents, reshaping the view of their parents and molding into phantoms they could look up to. Sharing the same grief with dozens of people did feel comforting. It felt like a community when it was the time of their funeral and their memorial. It was just when it was just her, Big Mac and Apple Bloom, that no one could comfort her correctly. Granny Smith was the best she had. Knowing them for all of their lives, it was her only salvation. It broke her heart, when she started to forget the memories. Her age confined her knowledge of the people solely to records and the love letters her parents sent to each other.

But Fluttershy— her mother is the only family she knows. No one to share that pain with. No one closer to tell stories at their funeral beside her.

They remained silent and sat on the couch until the sun came down and the fatigue from crying dragged them down. It had just then dawned on Applejack that this was what happened last night with Rainbow and Fluttershy. She had never felt more guilty.

"A-Applejack?"

"Yeah?"

"When will it not hurt anymore?"

"From losing a mom? Never. There will always be a sting in your heart whenever you hear her name or see bracelet she used years ago. But, it does eventually get better. I remember in summer camp with Rara, she was the first person I could really open up to about my parents, besides my family, since they passed. In that moment, it made me feel like I was finally healing because I finally felt not completely alone. I know it will be hard, but grieving will only get better once you let people you trust be in your life and not to just vent but also help you mourn along the process. I know because that was when things actually got better for me."

"I am so sorry you had to go through that."

"Fluttershy, I know Rainbow can be annoying and frustrating at times, but I think you know better than I do how much she means to you. You need to let people who you trust like ever-so-loyal Dash in your life when you need her the most."

"Thank you, Applejack. I can't ever thank you enough."

"I'm just glad I can be the one to make this better, because it will get better, you just need to grieve surrounded by those who care and love you."

Comments

[DragonIdiot]

honestly, flutters and aj bonding over their shared dead parents is so cute