My Little Pony: Train in Equestria

by Tisalie

Safe and Sound

(12th April 2017)

Train woke up with a yawn in the morning, Sarah still sleeping beside him. He got up quietly and wrote her a note.

I left for work. Thanks for the evening, Princesa. I hope you stay a bit.

He smiled one more time at her, before flying off.

Train was in a very good mood that day, striking up conversation with Dash and Vapor Trail and having some good conversations with them.

"Now, tell me that Germanes suck at small talk again." He said confidently. He didn't quite know what it was, but today was extra cheery for him. An outsider could've thought he was on an ADHD trip.

"Okay, Wrecky, spill it! What's happened? You're so.... Happy today, even for your standards." Rainbow asked with a chuckle.

"Oh, you know, it's just one of those days today, Dashie. That happens every once in a while."

"Well, I'm glad to hear that. I hope that energy stays with you for my big show later today."

"Oh, tell me about it. You haven't told me about any big show."

Rainbow Dash grew more excited.

"Ah, it's nothin' much. I'll just revive the SONIC RAINBOOM!!"

"Uhm.... Beg Pardon, what's a Sonic Rainboom? Is that some sort of maneuver?"

"Wait, you don't know the Sonic Rainboom? For real? Where'd you grow up? I earned my Cutie Mark by doing one."

"Okay, now you've got me interested. Pray tell, what exactly is that?"

"You were half right about it being a maneuver. But it's more than that. To reach a Sonic Rainboom, you have to literally break the sound barrier. Once you've done that, it creates a shockwave with a rainbow wake trailing behind it. It's just the coolest thing!"

Train couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"You.... No way.... You broke the sound barrier?! I knew you are fast, but.... Really?!"

Rainbow chuckled and smirked.

"760 Miles per hour, to be exact. That's also my top speed. My body just kinda works different it seems."

"Did I ever tell you how awesome you are, Dash? I'll have to see that for myself."

"You'll soon be able to. At 4 pm in the old Flight School playground."

"You bet I'll be there. I'm already hyped."

"You better be! It's gonna be totally awesome! If you'll excuse me, I'll practice now. See ya!"

She flew off at the speed of light (not literally though).

Train looked after her, before heading home to find Sarah still sitting in his kitchen, sipping a cup of mint tea.

"Hey, you're still here!" Train said surprised.

"Well, you did ask me to stay, didn't you? How was work?"

"Oh, it was great! I was just in the perfect mood the whole day through. And Rainbow Dash is gonna do an extra special maneuver of hers later today. Plus, I slept perfectly thanks to you." He gushed, like he was a colt talking about his crush.

She smiled softly and hugged him for half a minute.

"Same here." She whispered in his ear.

After they pulled back from the hug, Train grabbed a cookie and munched on it.

"You want to come to Dashie's big show?" Train offered.

"Sure, why not? And who knows, maybe you'll actually court her." She said with a smirk.

Train just shrugged it off and rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, right. Like that's ever gonna happen. Ah well, there are still over 2 hours left 'til the big show."

"Fack Ju Goethe 2?"

"You read my mind, Princesa."

Train and Sarah watched the movie, ate a little snack and arrived on time at 3:53 am. A little crowd had formed at the Flight School, including the Mane 6. Applejack instantly recognised Train and called him to them.

"Howdy, Train! Nice ta see ya. I've got ta introduce ya to mah friends."

He went over to them and bowed when he saw Princess Twilight Sparkle, the newest crowned princess of Equestria.

"Princess, Elements, heya, nice to meet you."

Twilight chuckled, her purple coat sparkling in the sun.

"Now, you don't have to bow. Nice to meet you, Train. I've heard of your feats as a flyer and I'm personally very interested in your story. Would you care to meet me someday and tell me your story?"

Train was pleasantly surprised by that.

"Oh, why, sure. Sounds nice. Has Dashie told you about me?"

"Oh, alot!" Applejack answered.

"She always tells us how nice and skilled you are." Fluttershy whispered.

"You could say.... She really likes ya." Applejack nudged his shoulders with a smirk.

"Really? That's.... So sweet."

"Why, Darling, you've got quite the fancy accent. Where are you from?" A white unicorn with a British accent similar to Train's asked him curiously. Her name was Rarity, the Element of Generosity.

"Oh, I'm actually a Germane. My accent is fake if you will. I just love the UK and it's the preferred way to speak Ponish for me."

"Germaney?! That's quite far out, Darling. I respect you deeply for mastering that accent then. Me personally, I am from Leeds, a town in Yorkshire."

"Yorkshire, huh? That's awesome. We'll have to continue this talk soon."

"Indeed, Darling. Let's meet up for a cuppa."

"Oh, yes please!"

"Fillies and Gentlecolts, may I have your attention please?"

Rainbow Dash's voice hollered through the playground.

"You've all come here to see me revive my famous Sonic Rainboom."

The crowd erupted into cheer. Rainbow Dash bowed with a confident smile.

"Thank you! Thank you all for coming. I surely won't disappoint. Now..... Watch in awe!!"

Rainbow took off at phenomenal speed, only getting faster as she went. All that could be seen was a rainbow blurr. The crowd cheered her on, amazed by her speed.

"Isn't she just the most talented mare you've ever seen?" Train gushed.

Sarah just rolled her eyes, smiling at her best friend.

Everything went swimmingly and she got increasingly faster. But then there was trouble.

"Huh..... Get out of.....!!!!"

At a staggering speed of 540 Miles Per Hour, Rainbow Dash collided with a bird in mid-air. The force of the collision knocked her out immediately. The crowd watched in horror, as Rainbow Dash plummeted down.

"DASH!!!!" Train could barely look. It was like his worst nightmare.

In that moment, Train's instincts kicked in, as he leapt forward.

"Train, what are you doing?!" Sarah yelled, but he didn't hear her.

All he was focused on, was saving Dash now. The images in his head worsened. Images of the death of the pony he loved.

"No....."

He realised he wasn't fast enough and it was only a matter of time before she would hit the ground.

"NO!!!!!"

His eyes lit up green, as the adrenaline overtook him. He picked up the pace, a green aura overtaking him as he got closer to Dash.

He went down so fast, that he managedto break the sound barrier, which he didn't even think was possible for him.

"Hold on.... Please...."

He desperately grabbed her tail, pulling himself closer to her. He then got a proper hold of her as he tried his very best to brake.

Dash regained consciousness soon after. After she realized what's happening, she quickly braked with all of her might aswell, panicking.

"Train!? How did you...."

She was interrupted by Train pressing his lips on hers. She blushed extremely, overwhelmed by everything that's happening. She closed her eyes, kissing him back, very passionately.

Despite them making out, they managed to land on the ground safe and sound. After they landed, both fell to the ground in exhaustion. They burst out into tears, happy to see each other alive.

Train took the last of his energy and rushed ontop of Rainbow, hugging her.

Rainbow then smiled at him, blushing.

"I..... Love you too, Train..... I love you too..."

A fresh set of tears overtook Train, this time happy tears. Rainbow Dash pulled him in for another kissing session.

It wasn't long, until an ambulance arrived for the both of them. The whole way to the checkup, they were holding their each others hoof.

"I'm so glad to still have you around. I've adored you from the second I met you."

"I've never met somepony as sweet as you, Train..... I swear.... I've never been interested in colts.... But you might've changed that."

Train just smiled and kissed her on the cheek.

The two of them escaped with minor injuries and a warmer heart.

Author's Note:

Trainbow Dash is Canon!

Comments

[Bronycommander]

very nice!

[Tisalie]

11628037
I've been waiting for sky long to finally have them get together. I'm so happy right now.

[Bronycommander]

11628044
indeed

[Tisalie]

11628047
Believe me, it's only gonna go up from here. I have quite a few things planned.

[Bronycommander]

11628049
eager to see it

[Mix-up]

Okay Dude I just finished reading your story so far and I will share my thoughts on it tomorrow.

[Tisalie]

11629335
Alright, that's cool. I'll be waiting.

[Mix-up]

Okay here is my comment on the story so far. The first chapter, while a bit bare bones in narrating the context, made it up for it with the action of the train accident, but after that the flaws of your lack of experience in writing really started showed through, with coming off more as a corny fan service self insert with RD and Spitfire, with interactions sounding more revolving around their interest in Train then anything else, which it was a bit of a slug to read through. After the first third of the story, the writing steadily started to improve and get more interesting, but there wasn't much of a hook for me to get into it, clear stated goals or challenges to overcome in some way, being more of as a stated romance and slice of life story which isn't usually my cup of tea.

Writing wise, what is missing would be more narration in giving context to what is going on and explaining between characters as things just seem to happen without reason or context; I just assume it's the lack of experience in writing that is the problem, especially about the first five chapter, but there were moments in the later chapter which felt more as a proper story which helps to give a foundation for your to apply to the rest of your story.

The first major glaring issue that I see in the writing is the lack of an intro setup paragraph in between scenes which makes it difficult to give an impression of how things look around the characters and how the reader should feel being in this surrounding in the characters place. You sort of managed to do it in sporadic areas, but would need to be applied more consistently and strategically into your chapters

Example 1: The Wonderbolt's compound was busy as any morning, with members and recruits having gotten up at the crack of dawn in doing their routine daily stretching exercises before moving on to the more grueling parts of their regiment. All were either marching in together, or flying in formation following their instructor's orders drills at the snap of a feather.

This, for example, helps to establish the ambiance of life at the Wonderbolts camps, being strict and discipline, not a place where you are there to have fun, but serious and what is expected for anyone being there.  

Example 2: Train Wreck's home was a very homely place, despite being a bachelor's dwelling, being much cleaner and more organized for one thing. There with card game piles, video game consoles and lots of books on shelfs, most notably Daring Do ones, it didn't feel like a place of a sports addict or adrenaline junky, no trophies or awards, but more of your casual geek place to relax, play and enjoy stuff during down time.

This describes Train's place (like I would imagine it), being a place of comfort, but also reflects his personality and priorities as a person, looking to enjoy himself rather than always competing all the time and putting all his values in his flight performance.

You can also do the same for telling what happened in between two scenes to tell what happened before and now, which helps to give more context on what happened but is not worth going into detail, and just highlighted.
For example: After a much needed shopping trip for new clothes in Cloudsdale, they explored the fast pace, always moving and changing life of the great pegasis city, for all it had to offer. Once they finally came back they were all dead on their hooves and wings, wanting only to crash on the sofa and relax.

The next issue I see is the lack of posture and tone that follows the dialogue, making it often feel emotionally ambiguous in the moment with no clear sense if it reflects the characters personality, which doesn’t convey the subtext of their feelings in the moment or their intentions. You’ve managed to  Here are a few examples.

Train looked after her, before heading home to find Sarah still sitting in his kitchen, sipping a cup of mint tea.

"Hey, you're still here!" [Train asked surprised that she wasn’t gone as expected] 

"Well, you did ask me to stay, didn't you? How was work?" [She said teasingly, nursing her tea in her hooves, casually enjoying the aroma, obviously staying, at least until she was done with her tea.]

[Train decided to humor her company.]
"Oh, it was great! I was just in the perfect mood the whole day through. [“he said excitedly “] And Rainbow Dash is gonna do an extra special maneuver of hers later today. Plus, I slept perfectly thanks to you." [“ he gushed excitedly like a colt coming back from school talking about his crush.”]

This is just a quick example to get the general idea across.

After for what I see is the lack of descriptions of the various characters, like their physical descriptions or the occasional reminder of their physical traits.I know you know what the cannon characters look like, and I know what the cannon characters look like, but I don’t know how you ‘HOW’ you perceive the characters in your mind and story. There is always a discrepancy in interpreting existing characters for each people, even more so for each stories, so it helps to do a little expositions on who they are in your story what they are like what are their personalities, explained their impressions and intentions they give off to the protagonist in various time to better get to know your take on them, the same goes for your OC’s. Never assume that the readers know who the Mane 6 are, even if they almost certainly do, and describe them as if they were original characters in their exposition. It helps to better understand your interpretation of them to the reader but also helps to better ground them in your mind sense you worked out how they function in your mind and give them a more consistent behavior and personality rather than just assume there is nothing further to explain. And I would like to point out, from my reading experience, that the fest fics that follows this line of thinking,

Example: Rainbow Dash, one of the latest new Wonderbolts to join the team of the greatest stunt flyers in Equestria. She is the fastest most aweseomoust, most coolest pony to be. You could always recognize her from the rest of the team with her rainbow mane and the rainbow spectrum streak that she leaves behind in her flight. She is always up for a challenge and never backs down from anything scary. She loves action, and always lives on the edge.

This example of a intro exposition to helps to show that RD is a top super stat and a risk taker, and a bit of a bragerts too, all the basics you need to know what she is like for a first impression to a reader, which you can expand further later in the story. And, just to add it also reflects how the narrator perceives RD and by extension, to let us know that the protagonist is gushing over her and admires her.

If you want to use a very useful tool to help better analyze your writing I would suggest that you try out a text to speech program like Balabolka(yes it’s totally free) it helps to hear what your writing sounds like to your reader and helps to better understand how well your writing flows as well as comparing it to other stories you like. I used it constantly and is what massively helped me to better learn to write in English. 

I hope everything I posted here helps you and that I didn’t offend you too much with my remarks. Best luck on your writing man.

[Tisalie]

11629722
Wow, the waiting certainly paid out.

You're totally right, I'm still an amateur in this field, but just hope it'll better over time. I thank you wholeheartedly for giving this little criticism. I hope I can work with it.