Hearts ablaze

by Fuster Cluck

Chapter 2

Luna took a few steps back, the red alicorn followed, tilting its head slightly. They just stood there for what seemed like an eternity, staring at each other. Luna looked over him. He seemed... familiar, but she couldn't quite tell from where. Cautiously she took a step towards him.

"Who- who are you?".

The red alicorn adjusted his gaze a bit then spoke "My name is Blaze, and you are?". Blaze... the name seemed familiar.

"Luna, what are you doing out here, and at this hour?".

"I have lived out here nearly all my life." Blaze responded "And I only come out at night".

"Why?" Luna asked.

"Fire is best seen at night" he responded. No, it couldn't be... Luna thought as the memories came flooding back.

Luna remembered to when there were other alicorns, each one standing for something in nature. Then she remembered her best friend, a red alicorn... Blaze. They did everything together, tag, hide and seek, practicing magic and flying and even chores. Other ponies would always comment on how cute they were together, the most popular of these comments being "Fire is best seen at night". Then the other alicorns left, and she assumed he went with them.

Luna slowly approached him "Blaze...".

"Its been a long time, Luna", Luna pulled him into a tight embrace.

"I missed you so much" she sobbed with tears streaking down her face. Blaze returned the hug

"Me too". Luna pulled away. "What happened", Blaze sighed.

"My brother... Spark. He invented electricity, light bulbs, electric stoves and ovens. See, fire is not like the sun or the moon, its living. It breathes, it eats and most of all... it hates. Fire used to be a symbol of life and warmth. It kept our homes lit, kept us warm and cooked our food. But electricity replaced all that and fire became our play thing. Fireworks bon fires, birthday candles, you name it. Fire wasn't handled with respect any more, for it wasn't part of our day to day lives. And fire made them pay, it destroyed their homes and killed their families, and who did you think was blamed for their faults? Fires name became tainted, it was no longer life, it was destruction. And with fires name tainted, so was mine. They cast me out, shunned me, labelled me 'evil', some even tried to kill me. So I ran, ran and never came back".

"I'm so sorry" she said, "but could at least have visited me at the castle".

"Just because you're forgotten, doesn't mean your forgiven" he replied.

The winter sun started to pierce the horizon and Luna felt a chill go up her spine. To tired to fly back to Canterlot, Luna asked.

"Is there a place I can sleep?"

Blaze showed her to a cave. He lit a fire and showed her to a double bed.

"I'll sleep on the ground" he said.

"Nonsense" Luna protested, "Its about time someone showed you some kindness".

Luna patted the bed right beside her. He climbed in beside her and instantly fell asleep. He instinctively wrapped his forelegs around her. She smiled and fell asleep in her friends arms.

Comments

[awduipfghpafohu]

Good Day to you sir.

I am just going to say it right now. I like the idea (which is the first thing I've done were a Alicorn was presented) but you should make your chapters longer. Chapters with 500 words isn't that much and you should always aim at 1000 or more. Writing is hard, but you got great potential in this story.

[HyperRandomness]

This is an interesting story thus far, and could use a bit of grammatical work, but I like where this idea is going. I'm gonna tag along for the ride before I decide to make any brash judgments.

[Yurikomaru]

I like some of the ideas here, I would just say to space out the dialog a little more, have different paragraphs when different characters speak. (It helps the reader keep track of who is speaking)

images4.wikia.nocookie.net/kinglazy/images/0/09/My_little_vector_applejack_by_rudahn-d4e0rhg.png

[Deep Pond]

Interesting . . .

My first fanfic, so be gentle please.
This is the best way I know to ensure that commenters will not be gentle. Once you've put your story out there, you're held to the same standards as anypony else. This is actually a good thing, as the only was to improve is to recognize your weaknesses and work to overcome them.

So, in short, no. I will not be gentle.

New speaker, new paragraph. Always. No exceptions.

Thoughts are usually italicized, rather than put in quotation marks. This makes it easier to distinguish what a character is thinking vs what they are saying out loud.

A few minor spelling/grammar errors ("their" for "they're," for example). Nothing major, but a good proofreader would catch them.

Alicorn OC! Abort! Abort! In all seriousness, people are going to hate this fic for that alone. Now, OC alicorns can be done well, but it's very rare and takes a lot of effort, so be prepared. I appreciate that you gave Blaze an actual reason to be an alicorn, but it opens up a whole host of other questions, like where all the other alicorns went, and when, and why, and why nopony else has notice an immortal demigod of fire hanging around Canterlot in the last millenium.

Too fast. Your chapters are very short, and the story feels rushed. This is bad, especially for something dealing with Luna and her adaptation to modern society. Generally speaking, each chapter should be at least 1,000 words. This isn't an absolute rule, but it's a good rule of thumb. In particular, Luna hasn't seen Blaze in centuries, and the reader has never seen him. This deserves quite a bit of elaboration. What does Blaze look like, exactly? How does Luna feel? Does her heart seem to stop when she recognizes him? Had she forgotten him entirely? Does she expect that he'll hate her form becoming Nightmare Moon? Does he hesitate to approach her? Stuff like that.

The whole demonization of fire seems weird to me. Fire is pretty central to civilization, and it seems odd that it would come to be considered evil. Not saying this is bad, but it strikes me as weird, especially given that Equestria varies between a medieval tech level and a roughly 1800s tech level (with some anachronisms like video games). As far as I know, Equestria does not have electricity.

All in all, this has the potential to be pretty decent. Your main flaw is the rushed pace; fix that and the grammatical issues, and you'll have something that might be good. Too early to tell for sure, especially since OC/major character shipping is always a tricky thing to pull off, but you have definite potential.

Good luck, and keep writing! Feel free to PM me if you want.

[Fuster Cluck]

1354240 I'll try to make them longer and fix the grammar errors.
I do believe that Equestria has electricity since they have modern day ovens and stoves, along with speakers and turn tables, they also mention the word light switch once in a while