Closer

by Avery Day

IX – Chorus

{ Chorus 3 }

Every day since I had arrived, Twilight and I would wake up around the same time. Each time we did, we would smile wide, dive right into each other and spend a good portion of the morning snuggling in bed. It was the perfect way to start a day—the way I wish I could start every single day.

This morning was different. We still smiled, but as we lay across from each other in bed, we both struggled to hold it together. For better or worse, our emotions were perfectly in sync. We felt every single bit of what the other was feeling.

These last ten days were wonderful—undoubtedly the most fulfilling and enriching days I’d had in months. And from the look in her eyes, I could tell she felt the exact same way. It was why it was so hard for her to pretend to be happy. It was why it was so hard for me to hold myself together.

But I was determined to be strong. I had to be. Every time our visits came to an end, it always seemed to hit Twilight the hardest. I was going to be the shoulder she cried on—just as I always was—and when we were out of each other’s sight, I could let my emotions out on my own.

Unfortunately, we didn’t have as much time to spare for snuggling that morning. Most of my stuff had been packed the night before, but there were still a few things I needed to put away. Then I needed to double check and make sure I had everything. Considering the distance between us and how busy both of us were, it could take weeks for anything I forget to come back to me.

As I checked over my belongings and got myself together, we didn’t talk much. Twilight scoured her apartment for anything I might have accidentally left out, and thankfully came up empty-handed. Aside from that, our words were sparse. It’s not like we didn’t want to talk. It’s just that talking took focus, and we were both clearly concentrated on one thing: not losing our shit.

With everything ready and accounted for, we placed my bags into the trunk of her car. Before going to the airport, we had time to make one more stop. After graduation, Twilight and I would go out almost every weekend to a place called Canterlot Kitchen for pancakes. Most of the time, we went during the evening, but, for obvious reasons, we arrived at a more appropriate time that day.

“It’s kinda funny,” I remarked as the car pulled out of the parking lot. “Even though we always got breakfast food at this place, this is the only time I can remember going in the morning.”

On any other day, I would have expected Twilight to agree with me, or maybe correct me. She had a much more consistent memory than I did. But she did neither of those things. Instead, she looked at me with a wan smile, exhaling an even weaker laugh before turning her attention back to the road. I couldn’t blame her for her lack of a reaction. I was just trying to do anything to not think about the emptiness creeping up inside of me.

It wasn’t long before we were entering the restaurant. The waitress led us to a booth, Twilight taking the first seat, me taking the one across from her. Without even looking at the menu, I told the waitress our regular orders. For me, a stack of strawberry pancakes, and for her a stack of chocolate chip, both with a black coffee. After writing down our orders, the waitress walked back to the kitchen.

Then we were alone once again. For the first minute, neither of us said a word. Both of us sat there, our eyes idly wandering around the room. Occasionally, one of us would bring out our phone just to put it back after less than a few seconds of browsing.

Twilight finally broke the silence. “Umm, Sunset?”

I looked up from the phone in my hand. “Hmm? What’s up?”

She looked down at the table, biting her lip and letting out a quick sigh.

“Would you mind sitting over here? With me?”

“Of course,” I replied, giving her a sympathetic smile. I shimmied out of my seat in the booth, hopping over to her side, scooting in nice and close after taking my spot next to her.

“Th-Thanks,” she stammered.

I placed my hand on her thigh, gently squeezing it. “Anything for you,” I said.

A weak smile spread across her face. We held each other’s gaze for a few brief moments before her eyes darted away from mine. I may not have been able to see it, but I didn't need to. I could tell she was struggling not to cry. There had been a lump in the back of my throat since that morning, but it was still gradually swelling. I still managed to quickly swallow it back down.

Not long after I switched to her side of the table, the waitress came back with our orders in hand, placing them in front of each of us.

“Anything else for you two?” she asked.

I shook my head. “We’re good, thank you,”

“Just let me know if you need anything,” she said before making her way over to another nearby table.

Both of us ate in total silence. I thought about maybe trying to talk about something a few times, but ultimately decided against it each time. It felt weird to say, but I felt proud of Twilight. During the last visit, she cried almost the entire day when I was leaving. So far, if she had cried, I wasn’t able to tell. Maybe this was getting easier for her.

Maybe she was getting used to me being gone.

For the first time this morning, I could feel tears well behind my eyes. Closing my eyes, I breathed a deep breath, letting it out slowly. If nothing else, the effort it took not to cry made the time we had together last longer—or at least seem to last longer—and even if that meant I was struggling the entire time, every extra perceived second with her was worth it.

My free hand had been resting on the cheap faux-leather seat between us. As the last of my sigh left my body, I felt a set of fingers weave between my own. I turned my head to look at Twilight. She didn’t look back, she just kept eating her breakfast. It may have been too hard for her to look at me, but that subtle gesture sent a clear message: she was there for me as much as I was for her.

My eyes fixed on my food as I continued to eat. We didn’t talk until after we’d finished eating. If either of us did, that would mean surrendering. Any words we spoke would inadvertently signal the floodgates to open.

Soon, there would be plenty of time for tears.

Not then, though. Not yet.

After paying the bill and leaving a generous tip, me and Twilight sat for a few more moments, finishing our coffee.

“Ready to go?” I asked. Her eyes met mine for the first time in a while. She opened her mouth to respond, but not a sound came out. Instead, she just nodded. Rising from my seat, I let her exit the booth and led the way to her car, our hands still intertwined. There was just one more drive left.

During the ride to the restaurant, I felt confident in my ability to hold myself together until the end. Upon pulling out of the parking lot and hitting the road again, I felt my confidence begin to waver. By the time we were halfway to the airport, it had already almost completely withered away.

Nothing I did was grounding me. Deep breaths felt shallow, and I couldn’t be too obvious about them or else Twilight would notice. Looking out the window to distract myself only made things worse. Seeing all the sights of my old hometown only emphasized the fact that I was leaving it behind once again. There was nothing left to hold me down, just as there was nothing left for me to hold onto.

By the time we pulled up to the front of the airport, I was trying desperately to hold it all together. In less than half an hour, I’d be waiting at my terminal, out of view from Twilight. I could let it all out there. There was no need to let it out a moment sooner.

A few moments of silence ticked by after Twilight threw the car in park. Both of us kept looking forward, afraid to look at each other. Finally, it was Twilight broke the silence.

“So,” she began, a tremble in her voice, “I guess this is it, then.”

Turning my head toward her, I found Twilight already looking at me. She was trying to give me a smile, but it quickly faded after just a moment. The pain behind her eyes tugged at my heart, sending a tremor throughout my entire body. That tremor shook the walls I put up around my emotions and threatened to send them tumbling down. My nostrils flared as I exhaled hard—one last attempt to hold myself together.

It wasn’t enough.

Everything came pouring out of me all at once. My entire body went slack as I finally lost it. My eyes screwed shut, squeezing out hours worth of tears at once. Twilight quickly reached her arms out to me as I leaned into her, my face making contact with her chest.

Once I started sobbing, it felt impossible to stop. The tears just kept flowing. Twilight held me close, her hands gently rubbing my back, but her comfort was only making it harder to reel myself in. Eventually, it got to the point where sobbing wasn’t enough. I started wailing, and her grip over me tightened as I did.

White noise filled my mind as thousands of thoughts and dozens of emotions blended together. I was embarrassed by how hysterical I had become. I was angry there was no simple, immediate solution to all of this. I felt horrible about the fact that I was once again leaving her behind for an indeterminate amount of time. I was terrified by the thought that Twilight might be growing accustomed to my lengthy absences.

Above all of that, I just didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to leave at all. I wanted to call the record company and tell them I quit. Tell Dash to find another lead guitar player. Maybe I was living a dream, but it wasn’t mine anymore. What kind of dream leaves you feeling so lonely? So tired? What kind of dream makes you choose between it, and the one you love more than anything in the world?

The money, the fame, the rush I got from performing—none of that was enough nor would it ever be again. In ten days, I’d felt more happy and fulfilled than I had the whole time I was gone. It wasn’t like those things didn’t bring me any joy, but the feeling I got from having Twilight so close to me outmatched anything else. I couldn’t do this anymore. I needed her.

“It’s okay,” Twilight whispered. I could feel her breath against my ear as she held me close. If I wasn’t so hysterical, I’d have been taken aback by how calm she sounded. I expected her to be more emotional than I was, but her voice wasn’t even trembling.

She kept whispering it in my ear every few moments. Each time she did, I relaxed a little more. My wailing regressed into sobbing, then into sniffling, and before long my breathing was stable. When I finally had some semblance of composure, I pulled myself away from her.

“I’m… I’m really sorry–” I stopped mid sentence as I felt her fingers touch my lips.

When I looked up at her, I could barely see her at all. All the crying rendered me temporarily blind. After wiping the tears off of my face, we looked each other in the eyes. Her own tears glistened off of her face, but for the first time this morning, she was smiling genuinely. The look on her face was infectious, I could feel my lips curling to match her expression.

“This isn’t the end,” she said, punctuated with a sniffle. “If I take a few courses this summer, I can graduate next winter. Then I can finally move out there with you. And we won’t ever have to be apart like this again.”

My smile faltered. “Yeah, but… that’s only one piece of the puzzle. Even if you move in with me, I’ll still be touring pretty frequently.” With a sigh, I looked away from her. “And depending on how well the next album does, we might be headlining. If that’s the case, we could be touring for almost all of next year.”

Her hand gently cupped my face, bringing my eyes back to hers. “That’s okay,” she replied. “It’s just one more year.”

My lips tightened as I held back even more tears. “That’s just it, though. I don’t want to wait another year. I… I don’t know if I can.”

“I know you can,” she spoke softly. “And once the year is over, I can move in, and—who knows—maybe I can come with you?”

Holding up my hand, I shook my head. “I couldn’t ask you to do that,” I contended. “Touring life is really hard. It would make you absolutely miserable, I couldn't do that to you.”

She was silent for a few moments. The comfort in her smile wavered for a moment as she contemplated her response. “Well… we’ll work something out when the time comes. The point is–” she paused, trying to catch her breath before it hitched. Before she attempted again, she held my face in both of her hands.

“You’re gonna go back out there, you, Dash and the others are going to make the best album you’ve made yet, and you’re gonna show everyone why they should know who you are. And when it’s all done, we’re gonna figure it out. This is not goodbye.”

The rest of the departure was a blur. Exiting the car, hand in hand, tears in our eyes. Walking to the terminal as slowly as we could without missing the flight, sniffling every few steps. And finally, standing at the gate in our last few moments on that trip.

Both of us tried to say something before we left, but if you asked either of us what we said, we couldn’t answer. What may register as a brief, choked noise in someone else’s ear graced mine like the most beautiful word of our love language.

Comments

[ScisetShimmerEvan]

White noise filled my mind as thousands of thoughts and dozens of emotions blended together. I was embarrassed by how hysterical I had become. I was angry there was no simple, immediate solution to all of this. I felt horrible about the fact that I was once again leaving her behind for an indeterminate amount of time. I was terrified by the thought that Twilight might be growing accustomed to my lengthy absences.

Never be ashamed of your emotions Sunset, it's how we all are in life.

“You’re gonna go back out there, you, Dash and the others are going to make the best album you’ve made yet, and you’re gonna show everyone why they should know who you are. And when it’s all done, we’re gonna figure it out. This is not goodbye.”

It's just til next time.

[EileenSaysHi]

Well, at least you had the courtesy to bring some glue after shattering my heart.

[Sunnydaze911]