Coffee can really make a pony's morning, it clears the mental fog caused by waking-up too soon and can invigorate just about anypony who doesn't want to take on the day. Except, Cheerilee.
It wasn't exactly morning anymore (around 9am) and the high Cheerilee had gotten from her coffee had since worn out; no thanks to her first early-morning class. Up next was the 2nd shift of students for the day; the most challenging.
Was it all the bad timing in Equestria? A test of her ability devised by Celestia herself!? It didn't matter; Cheerilee's next class involved the CMC, two very spoiled fillies, and the inevitable conflicts that would ensue.
In their own right, neither was that bad...
No! They were terrible in fact!
Oh! And when they started one of their inevitable squabbles, Cheerilee and her class seemed to be left completely at their mercy.
Nomatter how many times Cheerilee had complained to the school board or tried to resolve this with a good old fashioned parent/guardian conference, nothing worked; everything always just seemed to reset like no damage or suffering had ever happened.
For Celestia's sake! The CMC released flippin Discord! The Eldritch Daemon of Chaos upon her good town!
And all those fillies received was a slap on the hoof and a "What did you learn today?" from the Elements of Harmony!
'Of course the Elements didn't do anything. Half of them are related to the CMC! Nepotism I say! And, speaking of corruption...Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon are no better either. They are soooooo Celestia damn rich that nothing can touch them!...'
'...I bet Filthy Rich bribes the school board, no doubt about that! He gives them money and they shut up! Easy. As. That...'
‘...They'd probably suck him off too! If he paid them...'
Cheerilee let out a low moan and sighed in frustration.
'Ok, Cheerilee, all you have to do is wait this out... Just give class and ignore the fillies and you can just go home when the day is done....'
Cheerilee began her breathing exercises. Soon enough she felt numb and stoic enough to take on the remainder of the day. Until...
"Gooouud Moornnnin! Miss. Cheerilee! How are you?"
'Speaking of Windigos. Well, here we go...'
Cheerilee's head turned to greet Apple Bloom with a smile as fake as Spoiled Milk's nose.
"Good morning Apple Bloom! It's so nice to see you! I'm feeling wonderful, thank you. Are you ready for a day of learning?"
Feeling like she had let herself become possessed, being so kind to the literal bane of her existence, Cheerilee addressed Apple Bloom.
Apple Bloom propped herself up and smiled wide. "Well, yeah! I can't wait to make Hearts’n Hooves cards!"
Apple Bloom composed herself and huddled over to Cheerilee's desk, she signaled to Cheerilee so she could share a secret with her.
"You know... Scoots has a crush on somepony! Can you believe it! Scoots! And we... I mean, Sweetie Belle and I had something in mind but we need your advice...and".
'Oh NO!. Oh TARTARUS no!'
With a weak smile Cheerilee interrupted Apple bloom's crazed scheming.
"Um, Apple Bloom, need I remind you what happened last time you...intervened with another pony's personal romantic life?...I'm sure you learned something from that experience..."
"Huh?..."
Cherelle prayed internally. 'She has to remember, surely...'
Apple Bloom's eyes went wide and she blushed in embarrassment, "oh...Oh. Yeah, I see what you mean...Sorry again" Just as quickly as it had appeared, Apple Bloom's enthusiasm hid away as she smiled wide and chuckled with embarrassment.
'Thank the stars!' Cheerilee relaxed. But just as she was going to direct Apple Bloom to her desk she started again. "But... I was hoping you'd..."
'Nope!'
Cheerilee corrected her posture to seem as professionally condescending as possible.
"Apple Bloom, I appreciate your apology..."
Cheerilee regretted never suing the Apples, honestly what was she thinking...
"...however, regardless of what your methods are..." Cheerilee emphasized with her hooves. "...No pony, should intervene with the personal lives of others, it's inconsiderate, disrespectful, and the results of your efforts are unpredictable, as you unboudly know."
Apple Bloom lowered her eyes in remorse and embarrassment.
'That's right, know your place'
"I would suggest...I would highly recommend, that you don’t repeat the same mistakes. And, that you would tell Sweetie Belle the same. If Scootaloo has a crush, good for her..."
'Celestia above, guide and protect whomever unfortunate soul has taken interest in her'
"...but she needs to progress her romantic affairs on her own. You can talk to her and give her advice, that's fine, but meddling CAN ONLY cause damage. For Scootaloo, her special somepony, and your relationship with her as a friend."
Apple Bloom conceded by nodding. "Ok, Miss Cheerilee, I understand. I'll tell Sweetie Belle too."
Cheerilee smiled. "Great, I'm proud of the growth you've made".
"Thanks, Miss Cheerilee." Apple Bloom turned her back to Cheerilee and walked gloomy to her desk.
Taking another sip of her second coffee for the day, Cheerilee watched the defeated filly with a smirk she was just too joyous to hide. Sure, she still felt miserable because of the nightmares, but boy did this moment make her day!
Until her consciousness returned.
'wait... Oh Celestia, what's happened to me? Honestly Cheerilee, taking joy for 'defeating' young and emotionally-vulnerable foals? ...As loose as that definition may apply here, seriously?'
Cheerilee honestly felt like apologizing to Apple Bloom and renouncing her job at the schoolhouse, then going home to cry and rethink her life choices.
'Maybe my mother was right... I should've just gone into the family business... I could really use some alcohol right now...' The sweet release of cherry wine and images of her family's happy vineyard invaded Cheerilee's imagination.
Finishing her coffee like a shot of whiskey, Cheerilee found a new resolve.
'Ok, one thing at a time, two more classes, some after school tutoring, then I can go visit the vineyard and clear my mind. Besides...'
Rumble entered the School house with a stumble, reading The Catcher in the Hay.
'Some of the other, more promising students, make it all worth it in the end...right?'
"Good Morning My Little Ponies, is every pony ready for another day of learning?"
The class of foals and fillies, now full, answered with a mostly neutral enthusiasm.
Beginning to write out mathematical notes on the board, Cheerilee continued:
"And renumber class, today is crafts-day! We will be making a few hearts and hooves cards today in preparation for the holiday later this week... And due to some coordination on Mayor Mare's part, our class will get the opportunity to attend the Hearts and hooves dance at the town hall if we pitch-in and make posters for the event...."
The class of now intrigued fillies and foals lifted in attention.
"...The best poster will win that student, or students, VIP access backstage! Now doesn't that sound fun?"
The class began to chatter and revel in excitement. A dance? Posters? A competition? What an opportunity!
Cheerilee finished writing on the board and looked back to class. "But first we need to cover polynomials"
A collective "Ugh," followed. Cheerilee frowned.
Later after the lesson, the CMC's gathered around in the typical Crusaders' planning action.
"Girls! We can totally win that competition!" Sweetie Belle brought over some paper and glitter to the desk they were sharing for crafts time.
"Totally! If we win, we could get our cutie marks in poster design'in!"
"Apple Bloom, we're over that, remember?" Sweetie Belle asked incredulously.
"Oh I know, Just a force of habit, sorry... Besides, I think this is a great opportunity regardless!"
"Really? Why?"
"We could totally set up Scoots with Rumble at the fancy dance if we win! Just imagine!"
"Oh my gosh! You're right! If we get backstage passes we could make the dance like thee MOST RomAnTIc FIrST DatE EVeR!"
Both Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom turned to look at the pegasus in question. "What do ya think Scoots? Totally awesome right?"
Scootaloo looked back with wide eyes and a fierce blush on her face; she had some craft paper in her mouth that she promptly spit out in shock. "What! NO!, I...no!"
"Scoots, ya joke'n right?” Apple Bloom became amused with her 'fearless friend'.
Scootaloo put her hooves over her head and tried to hide. "Guys! I haven't even asked him to hang out yet, I can't take him on a date! What if it weirds him out? I'm pretty sure he's been avoiding me" Scootaloo sighed, then quickly glanced in Rumble's direction to see if he had heard anything.
"Oh Scoots, you can't be serious! You were all for chas'in him down this morn'in!"
"Yeah, I got my hooves dirty encouraging you to pursue him romantically!" Sweetie Belle emphasized her dislike of dirt by dusting herself off, which earned her a weird look from both crusaders.
"What? Rarity says it's most preferable that a lady stay pristine and clean in times of pursuing love"
Scootaloo sighed again, "I am really regretting telling you guys about this, I should've just kept my feelings to myself.” Scootaloo put her head down on the table and tried to hide. “What we did this morning is the reason why I'm having second thoughts."
Scootaloo looked up from the table to Sweetie Belle in particular.
“What were you thinking, Sweetie Bell? You can't just chase after somepony and propose a date!... What was I thinking? We're going about this all the wrong way!"
Sweetie Bell was saddened by the remark. "Wait, you regret listening to me?"
"Actually Sweetie Belle, I think Scoots has got'a point..." Apple Bloom looked between an upset Sweetie Belle and a dejected Scootaloo, “...As much as we wanna help ya Scoots, this is your thing. And, like I had to learn when we got our cutie marks, us Crusaders need to understand when we should split up and do things on our own.” Silence followed.
Cheerilee's ears perked up from a distant corner of the class, 'Thank you Celestia, thank you!'
Scootaloo smiled, "Thanks Apple Bloom, I would like to do this on my own."
Apple Bloom Smiled back, "Well, that settles that".
Scootaloo turned to Sweetie Belle, who was still a bit sad. "But, I do appreciate that you guys care..."
Scootaloo thought for a moment, "Maybe...if you guys give me space, we can still do this...sort-of-together. I want to be the one to call the shots, but without the encouragement I might not ever ask Rumble out..."
Sweetie Belle's eyes glittered and her smile returned, "Are you saying, what I think you're saying?"
"If you guys give me space, I'll let you guys help me. That dance idea sounds really nice... if we do it right", Scootaloo scratched the back of her head as she blushed lightly again.
"Oh, Scootaloo of course we'll help you! What do you say Apple Bloom? Cutie Mark Crusaders: Wing-mares!"
"That sounds awesome!"
The three friends cheered and rejoined in a hug.
Still listening in from a corner of the classroom, Cheerilee cursed herself internally.
##### Chapter 1 #####
*Rumble
I think you dropped these: " "
Floor...?
Gosh, four in a row. How does one sigh romantically? Longingly, sure, but romantically? Some food for thought...
I think the expression you're looking for is: Huh
Proper names of holidays are capitalized: Hearts and Hooves Day (the 'and' doesn't need it since it's just a connector word)
##### Chapter 2 #####
*filly
Aw, poor thing. Wait a minute. Exactly WHY isn't this SHOWN to us? Does his frown deepen? Does a pit form in his chest? Is there a creeping anger beneath it that such energy was sapped away?
cutie marks. They aren't capitalized except for at the start of a sentence (i.e. follow normal grammar rules)
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH--
STRIKE 1: Hearts and Hooves Day - OR - Heart 'n Hooves Day - The second one is ACCENTED, so not normal conversation for most characters (outside the Apple Family).
"Well, there's this filly at my school who thinks I'm cool for some reason, and I think she likes me, but I don't PERIOD" [SNIP THE SENTENCE AND REPLACE] - Formatting can show accent! Although, it isn't egregious... YOU WIN THIS TIME!
WHY ARE WE YELLING?!
##### Chapter 3 #####
Gosh, Cheerilee is petty. Discord obviously wasn't their fault, but hey, what can you do?
Also: *BARK BARK* Wait, you didn't mean woof? Did you mean hoof?
STRIKE 2: SPOILER FORMAT IS NOT FOR STORIES!
*Windigos. One of these is a magical creature that thrives on disharmony between ponies, the other is a carnivorous shapeshifter.
YOU GOT IT HALF RIGHT! FOR &$*@'S SAKE!
*Sweetie Belle (Yes, I'm going to be this petty. You got it right every other time!)
Is that supposed to be an actual thing she said? Also... WHY THE ITALICS?!
*Apple Bloom (You brought this on yourself and have only yourself to blame)
Why am I still here? Just to suffer?
Second time fillies is misspelled and it's &$^&ING FOALS! It's not even the right word either! It's fillies and colts! They're all foals!
Not a complaint, more like a compliment. I love to think Sweetie's voice cracks when she says lines like that! Sounds adorable in my head!
...
At least it ended on a high note. To be honest, the amount of downvotes baffles me. I mean, it's not very well written, but it had a half-way decent story so far and wasn't horrible on a structural front. I've read much worse. There's a lot of room for improvement, but the main thing (and what most of my complaints were about) is the spelling/grammar. Sentences had a tendency to have the period dropped, capitalization was all over the place, and that's not to mention the other issues I touched upon during my pass over the story.
I think bits and pieces can be expanded and tidied up, but it's a start. It feels like this could have received far more attention during editing to iron out the smaller issues. I'll keep an eye on this for development and to see if it improves once writing/publishing resumes. There's room for growth as an author when editing this. Focus on every line to make sure it's correct in terms of spelling, grammar, style, and formatting. It makes the story much easier to read when there aren't glaring issues.
My recommendation? Work on improving your editing skills. The story structure could do with some improvement (such as the amount of internal dialogue being a little heavy), but it's by far not the biggest problem at the moment. Small steps make up a journey. Keep writing and learning!
11555874
I agree with you on that, despite the need for extra care on the editing there is a an interesting story behind this. I hope he take my advice to use a text-to-speech program advice more to heart, because it sure helps to show how well the writing flow as well as to better pick up on those tiny mistake that he does that slightly spoils the reading experiance.
Still, I do love the story so far and I am looking forward to reading more of this in the future.
11555874
Wow. When I asked for constructive criticism you delivered. Thank you so much for pointing out all of my spelling/grammar errors; you shot me down and made me laugh while doing so!
I'm flattered that you think I have potential. I came across an editors group here on FimFiction and I think it's a good call for me to take more time rereading and editing my stories (maybe with text to speech like Mix-Up keeps telling me) or asking for help from them; I honestly thought I had caught everything myself, I'm so naive.
Well, I guess I'll learn from my mistakes and just keep writing. Again, thank you so much for dissecting my story; I'm going to double check how I spell Hearts and Hooves Day from now on, trust me.