• Member Since 31st Oct, 2021
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Daemonabacus


Fanfiction? Nah, Heresy.

T
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Rumble is disillusioned with pony society, Cutie marks specifically; they're so pretentious right? Yet Tender Taps is happy living a life centered around nothing but dancing? Maybe while Tender Taps perfects his dance moves for the Hearts and Hooves dance Rumble can figure out how Tender Taps is able to live happily with a Cutie Mark while at the same time challenge it with everything he does.


Vectors by: JawsandGumballFan24

Chapters (10)
Comments ( 25 )

"'Catcher in the Hay' by J. D. Stallionger" :rainbowlaugh:

Very cute story so far, and I like how Rumble is trying to be a little articulate in his positions, even if I don't necessarily agree with them. I do like the shipping and seeing Rumble learning to dance with Tender Tap with some romance is very interesting to. The writing isn't haft bad, but I would suggest that you put your writing though a Text to Speech program to make sure you got the right word, I would recommend 'Balabolka'(yes, it's totally free, I use it all the time ), unless you want to keep writing Sweetiebelle to 'Swette Belle' emphasizing her sweating while writing as a new nickname. Keep it up dude.

Rumble x Taps? Certainly a ship we don't see very often

Now you got me interested, can't wait for the next chapter to find out how things will lead to :pinkiehappy:

11447518
Thank you for the suggestion on Test-to-speech. I think I rushed this chapter quite a bit because I just wanted to get started, and as I reread it now I see all sorts of grammar and spelling errors I shouldn't have overlooked. I'm starting to get all these ideas about where I want to take the story and I want it to be good, so I will be taking the editing phase more seriously now. Wish me luck.

I would read this instead of school literature

Still a bit stilted in the writing, but it was still a fun read, glade to see there wasn't any noticeable misspelling as before. Good job.

11461863
If you don't mind me asking, what do you think I could improve about my writing? I would appreciate the constructive criticism.

##### Chapter 1 #####

Meanwhile, back under a tree, Tumble continued to struggle with his dilemma with no foreseeable answer, or help.

*Rumble

‘Rumble! Are you there?’

I think you dropped these: " "

“It's OK Scootaloo…*huff*…he didn’t…hear you…*gasp*” Sweetie Belle collapsed on the floor, “You can just ask him when we all go to school today”.

Floor...?

Regardless of Apple Bloom's comment Scootaloo sighed romantically, “I don’t know, he's just so cool”.

Gosh, four in a row. How does one sigh romantically? Longingly, sure, but romantically? Some food for thought...

‘Hu?’ [SIC] ‘Hu, he must be an advanced student he isn’t at all clumsy’

I think the expression you're looking for is: Huh

"Do I need to remind you again that freestyle is not acceptable! The hearts and hooves event is just around the corner and I need my class to be presentable!”

Proper names of holidays are capitalized: Hearts and Hooves Day (the 'and' doesn't need it since it's just a connector word)

##### Chapter 2 #####

'Eh, the kid looks harmless. He had the decency to enter quietly and try to not disturb class...Unlike that yellow fillie who had burst in here months ago shouting like she owned the place...'

*filly

Rumble felt saddened, Tender Taps had been so alive a moment ago, what happened?

Aw, poor thing. Wait a minute. Exactly WHY isn't this SHOWN to us? Does his frown deepen? Does a pit form in his chest? Is there a creeping anger beneath it that such energy was sapped away?

Cutie Marks

cutie marks. They aren't capitalized except for at the start of a sentence (i.e. follow normal grammar rules)

"Well, no actually, I just came in to watch the students dance. I had some time before I went to school and I thought I'd watch the class perform...you guys are going to perform for the hearts n hooves day event at town hall right?"

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH--

"oh, nothing like that, just..." the stranger seemed to be considering whether he should spill the beans or not, his eyes searched around until he made a decision and looked back at Tender Taps. "Well, you know how it's going to be hearts n hooves day soon?"

STRIKE 1: Hearts and Hooves Day - OR - Heart 'n Hooves Day - The second one is ACCENTED, so not normal conversation for most characters (outside the Apple Family).

"Well, there's this fillie at my school who thinks I'm cool for some reason, and I think she likes me, but I don't" the stranger put emphasis on: don't , "How should I tell her I'm not interested without being rude?"

"Well, there's this filly at my school who thinks I'm cool for some reason, and I think she likes me, but I don't PERIOD" [SNIP THE SENTENCE AND REPLACE] - Formatting can show accent! Although, it isn't egregious... YOU WIN THIS TIME!

"Yeah, it was great meeting YOU TOO!!" he had left by the time he finished.

WHY ARE WE YELLING?!

##### Chapter 3 #####

And all those fillies received was a slap on the woof and a "What did you learn today?" from the Elements of Harmony!

Gosh, Cheerilee is petty. Discord obviously wasn't their fault, but hey, what can you do? :applecry:

Also: *BARK BARK* Wait, you didn't mean woof? Did you mean hoof?

... They'd probably suck him off too! If he paid them... '

STRIKE 2: SPOILER FORMAT IS NOT FOR STORIES!

'Speaking of Wendigos. Well, here we go...'

*Windigos. One of these is a magical creature that thrives on disharmony between ponies, the other is a carnivorous shapeshifter.

Apple Bloom propped herself up and smiled wide. "Well, yeah! I can't wait to make Hearts n' hooves cards!"

YOU GOT IT HALF RIGHT! FOR &$*@'S SAKE!

"You know... Scoots has a crush on somepony! Can you believe it! Scoots! And we... I mean, Sweetbelle and I, had something in mind but we need your advice...and".

*Sweetie Belle (Yes, I'm going to be this petty. You got it right every other time!)

Cheerilee smiled. " Great, I'm proud of the growth you've made ".

Is that supposed to be an actual thing she said? Also... WHY THE ITALICS?!

Cheerilee honestly felt like apologizing to Applebloom and renouncing her job at the schoolhouse, then going home to cry and rethink her life choices.

*Apple Bloom (You brought this on yourself and have only yourself to blame)

"And renumber class, today is crafts-day! We will be making a few hearts n' hooves cards today in preparation for the holiday later this week... And due to some coordination on Mayor Mare's part, our class will get the opportunity to attend the Hearts n' hooves dance at the town hall if we pitch-in and make posters for the event...."

Why am I still here? Just to suffer?

The class of now intrigued filles and fouls lifted in attention.

Second time fillies is misspelled and it's &$^&ING FOALS! It's not even the right word either! It's fillies and colts! They're all foals!

"Oh my gosh! You're right! If we get backstage passes we could make the dance like the MOST RomAnTIc FIrST DatE EVeR!"

Not a complaint, more like a compliment. I love to think Sweetie's voice cracks when she says lines like that! Sounds adorable in my head!

...

At least it ended on a high note. To be honest, the amount of downvotes baffles me. I mean, it's not very well written, but it had a half-way decent story so far and wasn't horrible on a structural front. I've read much worse. There's a lot of room for improvement, but the main thing (and what most of my complaints were about) is the spelling/grammar. Sentences had a tendency to have the period dropped, capitalization was all over the place, and that's not to mention the other issues I touched upon during my pass over the story.

I think bits and pieces can be expanded and tidied up, but it's a start. It feels like this could have received far more attention during editing to iron out the smaller issues. I'll keep an eye on this for development and to see if it improves once writing/publishing resumes. There's room for growth as an author when editing this. Focus on every line to make sure it's correct in terms of spelling, grammar, style, and formatting. It makes the story much easier to read when there aren't glaring issues.

My recommendation? Work on improving your editing skills. The story structure could do with some improvement (such as the amount of internal dialogue being a little heavy), but it's by far not the biggest problem at the moment. Small steps make up a journey. Keep writing and learning!

11462325

Grammar is the big one. Using “okay” instead of “ok” typically makes a piece of writing seem more professional, there’s also a handful of simple mistakes, such as:

"Whoa, that is upsetting...", Tender Taps was truly overwhelmed

Comma should be before quotations

'nice, maybe if I...'

“Nice” should have a capital n

You’re not consistent on whether it’s “Miss Steps” or “Miss. Steps” ((it should be the first one))

And a handful of others.

The last chapter had more, but that’s probably because you said you were tired when writing it.

Overall, I’d advise an editor and reading over it a couple times before publishing. I promise, it really is worth it. You can also probably go back and edit previous chapters for all these little mistakes.

Hope this was helpful - love the story and the ship so far. Happy writing! :twilightsmile:

11555874
I agree with you on that, despite the need for extra care on the editing there is a an interesting story behind this. I hope he take my advice to use a text-to-speech program advice more to heart, because it sure helps to show how well the writing flow as well as to better pick up on those tiny mistake that he does that slightly spoils the reading experiance.

Still, I do love the story so far and I am looking forward to reading more of this in the future.

11555874
Wow. When I asked for constructive criticism you delivered. Thank you so much for pointing out all of my spelling/grammar errors; you shot me down and made me laugh while doing so!
I'm flattered that you think I have potential. I came across an editors group here on FimFiction and I think it's a good call for me to take more time rereading and editing my stories (maybe with text to speech like Mix-Up keeps telling me) or asking for help from them; I honestly thought I had caught everything myself, I'm so naive.
Well, I guess I'll learn from my mistakes and just keep writing. Again, thank you so much for dissecting my story; I'm going to double check how I spell Hearts and Hooves Day from now on, trust me.:twilightsheepish:

The schoolhouse of fillies and colts, awakening from the mathematically induced haze, rose to attention like Meerkats greeting the dawn.

*meerkats, it isn't a proper noun.

Whatever, point being: all those things would supposedly culminate in a romantic setting so entrancing and suffocating that a couple's true love for each other would blossom, they would see eye to eye, and everything would be perfect . Hell, the couple could get married right there and then! Because Hearts and Hooves Day helped them see: it was always meant to be!

Rather than 'Hell,' try the more canon-friendly 'Hay.'

Does anypony realize how silly it is to say you're going to do something special for somepony-else, at the same time as everypony-else?

Hyphens are improper.

(Which mind you, we still don't have an understanding from where or why they appear.)

Brackets should be used extremely rarely in writing. The only time I've found when they're appropriate is specifically first-person stories.

Taking the role of a shadowplay villain, aiming to ruthlessly stop the hero, Miss Steps' approached Tender Taps.

Misplaced possessive apostrophe

"The carousel isn't a prison necessarily, it's deeper than that. When Golden sees the carousel pony at the end of the book, and how happy his fille sister is, he comes to an epiphany."

Fille? Is it supposed to be filly or 'a young unmarried woman'? I don't feel either word fits here.

...

Loving philosophical Rumble! Hope to see more of Tender Taps' personality in the coming chapters!

Also:

Hearts and Hooves Day

YYEEEEEESSSSSS!!!

Sorry missed the update, I did like it and felt it was finally starting to progress the plot a little. It's too bad you decided to cancel the story I did very much liked it. would have loved to see the ending to it.

11618316
Woops.
Sorry about the little scare everyone. I only canceled the story because I was in a fit of frustration about the next chapter. :facehoof:
I can't seem to get it right and I irrationally just canceled it. I definitely plan on finishing this story. I certainly don't want to string my readers along so far just to disappoint them. My apologies. Writing is stupidly hard sometimes. So just to be clear: No, I'm not canceling the story.

11618425
Okay that is good to know, I wish you luck man.

"HHhaayyyyyyyyyy....", Scootaloo bagin but it was too late to back down. Dread slowed her to a craw.

began* and crawl*

...

Looking forward to the next chapter!

Nice to see an update on this story, your writing is improving a lot, it flow so much better then before. The only thing I would like to point out that the transition change of scene between Rumble/tender tap and the CMC could have been better presented either with a mark or a description of of the scene the CMC were in and what they were plotting, I think I get what you were trying to do and it mostly work, just that a little context on what they were doing could have helped in understanding on what is going on, nothing much.

I really did like how Rumble his desire to prove a point or wanting to help a friend completely overwrote casual social norms in wanting to help Tender all the while Tender is surprized and flattered by his willingness to help him up and including learning to dance for him. I could wonder what is the theme or message that could be pulled between the relationship that Rumble and Tender are developing and what the CMC are trying to force on to Rumble and how it could go all wrong. I find it curious that the CMC are the unwitting antagonist of the story. Good job man keep it up.

Apple Bloom announced this, a little too teasingly, from the podium inside the Crusader Club House. Sweetie Bell listened intently with a wide grin, ideas already forming in her mind as she held a tight hoof around an embarrassed Scootaloo.

Sweetie Belle, and there's several other instances of this that should be corrected.

Scootaloo groaned as if Sweetie Bell's hug caused her mortal pain. "Apple Bloom, get on with it!" Scootaloo knew she was to flustered to possibly appear intimidating, she settled on hiding behind her little wings to save the little dignity she had left.

Her wings don't extend that far. You know, flight issues and all that.

...

A few other errors I didn't point out. Maybe take a look over it again to fix the small stuff before publishing, making sure the spelling and grammar are straightened out.

Looking forward to the next chapter!

Fun chapters glade to see you around again. you still misspell Cheerily again. The dance practice was cute between the two and how they are sort of unaware about their feeling while the obsess over the specific aspect of their goat. Keep it up dude.

you still misspell Cheerily again

:facehoof: I need a cider.

Thanks for the kind words. Yeah I enjoy writing this when I do get around too it. I'll finish it eventually.

Cheerily

I know someone already pointed it out, but... Cheerilee.

Rumble’s stomach then loudly grumbled and his feelings of hopelessness rapidly became a growing hunger.


This line break isn't necessary.

...

Unless that last section provides context for a future chapter, it probably isn't necessary to know Thunderlane is going to Dodge Junction. The previous section had a finish already, so adding on that extra bit really doesn't add much to the story (it's not about Thunderlane, but Rumble and Taps, so maybe that last section could be about Rumble's final thoughts on his brother's teasing or something). Just something to keep in mind.

Looking forward to reading the next chapter! EDIT: Jeez, I just realized how repetitive my sign-off sounds.

Nice to see an update on your story again, nice progression at least. For the cutie mark stuff I would SORT of agree with Rumble, but it's more about taking their marks too literally or too restrictive in interpreting them and shouldn't restrained to define their life or let others judge them to what kind of job or personality they should have. I see it as something strictly personal thing that you can't take it literally, it's a manifestation of what constitute a pony's core of themselves.

Keep it up dude.

11728036
Thanks for the comment. :heart: It's nice knowing if people still read me or not.
Writing Rumble is interesting for me because—like you, and most viewers of the show—I only partially agree with his views as well because of the differences in context.

The way I see it, the stance that cutie marks are absolute in Equestrian culture is based on how the characters talked about them in the show: most of the time they are mentioned they aren't ever questioned or challenged; they are as fundamental as the blue sky. So it would logically follow: most of everypony in equestrian holds them to some sacred sanding—where questioning their legitimacy or even just thinking they aren't "that serious" is comparable to proposing atheism in a medival world. Thus, texts like The Catcher in the Hay are intentionally written to be misunderstood by the general public for plausible deniability before an angry mob.

Oh course, I can't say this within the story itself because it would be too meta. I find it cool as a concept at least.

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