Chapter Thirteen
Ivory Spark did look into her claims, about a mare named Blue Mist abusing a colt named Leo, and found exactly what she expected.
She wasn’t the least bit surprised when nothing turned up, but what could she say? The Princess of Equestria herself said that if anything strange was physically going on, she would’ve noticed it, and the mare already had her diagnosis in hoof. All that was really left to do was to talk to her parents for a quick investigation and get started on therapy, which was technically already ongoing.
Before all that though, the unicorn took the little pegasus around Ponyville on a trek to the School of Friendship, walking around the building as Emily gawked in awe at all that she saw. She flapped her wings and chattered excitedly, telling all the stories she heard about the place as mare and filly examined the building. Once again, she seemed younger than she actually was, but now Ivory Spark had a good explanation for why. She hoped that she could get through to her and help her, because Emily definitely needed help.
After this, they went back to the empty group home and left Emily to talk to the caretaker as Ivory Spark looked up information on the mare and colt, finding exactly nothing, just like she expected. The unicorn wouldn’t have even given it a thought had the filly not mentioned abuse, but because of that, she had to be sure and double check. Thankfully, her double check turned out to be just a waste of time.
After this, she sat down to talk to the filly some more, now over a dinner of roasted vegetables and oatmeal that the filly enjoyed. During the meal, Emily took time to ask Ivory Spark questions of her own, a good sign in her opinion.
“If I do have DID or OSDD, how do you know it?” she asked. “One test isn’t enough to say. I’m pretty sure dissociation is common with lots of things.”
“It is common with a lot of things,” she agreed, “but like you said, you’re too young to have a psychotic disorder like schizophrenia, and if you did, it’d be much more obvious than DID or OSDD would be. There are other things it could be, since dissociative disorders like this aren’t really diagnosed until you’re a little older, but right now, that seems like the most obvious and direct fit. But we’re gonna do another test later back in Baltimare to see. I don’t have it with me now though because it’s very comprehensive.”
“Was that other worksheet not the test?”
“No, that was just one for dissociative experiences, which is why we’re going with… well, nothing really, outside of some dissociative disorder for you right now. Because we don’t know which one it is. That’s what the longer test is for. If you even have a dissociative disorder, of course, which you might not.”
“Huh.” She looked down at her plate in thought, and then back up at the mare and asked, “How come I don’t have alternate personalities or hear voices in my head then? I’m pretty sure to have DID, you need that. That’s what ‘identity’ means, I thought.”
“You’re right, that is a feature, however, if you’ve just been going along assuming that your experiences are normal, how are you going to differentiate between what actually is normal and what’s not?”
“By knowing that most people don’t have voices in their head? I’m pretty sure I’d know if that was happening.”
“Maybe, but let’s take something smaller first,” Ivory Spark said, shifting the conversation. “You said you know what dissociating is, and said you were pretty sure you’d remember it if you were. Can you give me an example of a time when you were dissociating?”
“Um, I guess when I’m going someplace and I suddenly realize I don’t remember part of the trip? But everyone does that.”
“I understand. But do you know you’re dissociating while you are?”
“No, but I can look back and see that I don’t remember immediately. It doesn’t just slip me by. I know that I was missing something, and notice it immediately.”
“That’s a very good example,” the doctor smiled kindly, “and it’s actually the best one to help with my point. While you’re dissociating, you don’t know that you are. You just are and don’t realize it.”
“Not immediately, but I do directly after,” Emily countered.
“I’m sure,” the unicorn replied, then paused before asking something else. “Do you mind if I do a little example of what dissociation might be like in an everyday circumstance?” It was a little bit risky to do, but wouldn’t mean much if she answered the opposite of what Ivory Spark expected.
“Sure, but if you’re gonna ask what I ate for breakfast or lunch or something, I already remember that.”
The mare smiled. “No, nothing like that. But do you remember what the first question you asked me at the start of this conversation was?”
“Huh? Oh, it was… um… it was… don’t do that to me,” she scowled. “That’s not dissociating. That’s just filtering out unimportant information. Do you remember what the first question you asked Mr. Bright Side was the last time you spoke to him?”
“No, but the last time I talked to him was yesterday. We started this conversation two minutes ago, Emily. Forgetting what question you asked two minutes ago isn’t very normal, especially since we didn’t change the subject.”
“I remember! It was… um…”
“You asked me how I know you have a dissociative disorder.”
“That’s not dissociating though! I was sitting here talking to you the whole time, and know that! I wasn’t just staring off into space and suddenly realizing I was talking to you! That’s just a cheap way to say I have something I don’t!”
“Okay, can you tell me what we did at the park today?”
“Yeah, I flew around, and then we saw Twilight Sparkle’s school!”
“And do you remember what you asked me to do?” Ivory Spark asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Huh?”
“You told me that you wanted me to do something, and it sounded like it was very important. Do you remember what it was?”
“What? When? I didn’t ask you anything, I don’t think so anyway.”
“You definitely did, sweetheart. You just got done with flying, and then told me I should do something, and said that it would prove that you don’t have a dissociative disorder and that you really are from Cansess. Do you not remember that?”
“...no?”
“You don’t remember you asking me to see if a couple of ponies named Blue Mist and Leo were real?”
“I… no?” she said, sounding confused. “That sounds like something I’d ask, and it makes sense that I would, but I don’t… that’s not dissociation, is it?”
“That is dissociation, Emily,” the mare told her kindly. “And more specifically, dissociative amnesia.”
“But I don’t… I wouldn’t… what?” She looked like she was thinking hard to try and remember back to the question, but the longer she thought, the worse the look on her face became.
“Just take a breath, okay sweetheart?” the mare said, petting her mane carefully. “You’re gonna be okay. I know it’s a lot to take in right now, but it’s important to know what’s happening so that we can start helping you.”
“Okay… I heard you’re not supposed to tell kids what’s wrong with them though,” she said. “Like, if they have something rare like this. Not that I do, but–”
“Well as I said, I think a young mare like you seems like she can handle it, and it’s important that you know what’s going on with you so we can get you the right help.”
“I guess, but like I said, I don’t hear voices in my head, and I’m pretty sure I’d notice amnesia or dissociation, but I guess I don’t.”
“If it’s been happening all your life, you might not notice at all,” the unicorn explained. “It’s not really something you’d pick up on because most of the time it’s just going to be unimportant day to day events. And if it’s unimportant and you don't remember it, how are you gonna know that a memory is missing? And you saying you don’t hear other voices in your head is why we’re just saying it’s probably a dissociative disorder right now and not DID.”
“I guess that makes sense… but I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” Emily laid her head down carefully in her hooves and turned away, leaving Ivory Spark with a sad look on her face.
“It just feels like a cheap way to say ‘oh, you have this now’ when I don’t,” the filly muttered quietly. “You’re trying to make symptoms fit to something I don’t have.”
“Sweetheart, dissociation isn’t a disorder. Dissociation is a symptom. Whether or not you have a dissociative disorder doesn’t have any bearing on whether or not you’re dissociating as much as it seems like you are.”
Emily only sighed in response, keeping her head on the table. It made Ivory Spark sigh, too, and frown.
“I want to make it clear though that right now, we’re just speculating, okay? Until we get back to Baltimare and do a full test, we can’t know if you even have a dissociative disorder. The test I gave you only indicates one.”
It didn’t improve her mood, and garnered nothing more than silence, and as a result, Ivory Spark scooted in a little closer and bent down to the level her head was at.
“You’re gonna be okay, I promise,” she assured her. “The most important thing is to know that any disorder is just a phrase to describe how you and your body and your mind works. It doesn’t mean you have anything new wrong with you.” There was no response, and after a long, silent moment, the foal psychologist asked, “Wanna talk about something else?”
“Yeah, but I don’t really know what about.”
“How about your writing? You said you liked to do a lot of that? What kind of music is it?”
It got the filly’s mood to improve, a little bit at least, as she described her favorite music, and then moved on to talking about stories she read. She was smiling by the time Ivory Sparky had to leave for the evening, which helped the mare to feel like she’d gotten something accomplished at the end of the day.
She did wonder though if she was going about this correctly, and hopefully not rushing into this. A dissociative disorder was the most likely, just based on the way her answers lined up, although schizophrenia wasn’t entirely off the table, as unlikely as it was, as well as a couple of other things. Even still, it didn’t really fit schizophrenia that much, and she was definitely still in touch with reality. Emily knowing that the answers she gave for some things didn’t make sense was a good indicator.
Although the bigger issue was letting the filly know that that’s what she thought, something that wasn’t very common for things like this. Normally, most psychiatrists and psychologists would wait until the foal was a little bit older, but she guessed it didn’t make that much difference since she would be fourteen next year anyway. Although it was important that she did know what was going on, since therapy wouldn’t be as effective if she didn’t.
Speaking of which, she needed to speak to her psychiatrist when she could, and sent a quick letter back to her office in Baltimare describing the situation before retiring for the night. Tomorrow was another long day, one filled with that and speaking to Emily more, as well as the arrival of her guardians for Ivory Spark to question.
First though was the psychiatrist in Baltimare, a stallion named Peace Keeper the letter she received from him in the morning told the mare. He described how she’d been going to his office for a few years, and confirmed autism and ADHD, although said he’d never considered any dissociative disorder as a diagnosis because she’d never reported any abuse and because of the close association with dissociation and how it could be confused with the attention issues of ADHD. He agreed though that something like that could fit, although, like Ivory Spark was thinking, said it was probably best not to rush into a diagnosis and try to fit symptoms into something. He also agreed that he’d let her remain in Ivory Spark’s care if she wished once she got back to Baltimare and that he’d send her records to the unicorn once she got back.
Next was heading over to see Emily again and preparing for her parent’s arrival. She was already awake and eating breakfast, but just like yesterday, seemed more sad than she did when Ivory Spark first met her.
“How are you feeling after yesterday?” she asked politely. “I know it’s probably a lot to learn in one day. Are you feeling okay?”
“Yeah, I guess,” she said, a mixture between something disinterested and sad in her voice. “I’m not upset because of that though. I’m upset because they don’t have any tuna here, and I really want some. It’s one of my favorite foods.”
That made Ivory Spark laugh, and got the filly to smile. “Well, I’m sure soon you’re gonna be back in Baltimare right by the ocean and be able to eat all the tuna you want. Speaking of which, your parents are gonna be here in a few hours, after lunch from what I hear. How do you feel about that?”
She shrugged. “Okay, I guess? I haven’t seen them in a while, and don’t really like them, but I don’t hate them. But I already told Mr. Bright Side all of that while he looked at me with eager eyes.”
“Mhm, I remember what he told me. You said they got divorced and they kicked you out, and that you live on your own now. Do you remember what happened with that?”
“Yeah, and that’s still the truth. I don’t remember when they got divorced, but my dad kicked me out cause he thought I was stealing his stuff, I know that.”
Ivory Spark nodded along and kept that in mind. “Anything else that he did that you don’t like?”
“Nothing in particular, other than what I already said… I wonder what he’s gonna look like. Also, I’m really uncomfortable with meeting a filly’s parents who aren’t mine when I’m not her.”
“I’m sure it’s going to be fine,” Ivory Spark said, not poking at that statement. “But how about we chat about that after breakfast before they get here, okay? I don’t wanna distract growing young mares from their nutrition.”
“Okay, sounds good.”
Ivory Spark didn’t know how good it sounded per se, but it sure did sound interesting. She wondered what she was going to say and how it was going to line up when she met her parents. She hoped it would be okay.
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I'm so turned around with the mental gymnastics of this situation. You have me questioning what I know about the characters involved.
Well played.
I'm completely confused about what I do know and what I don't know about these characters.
Statements I know:
- There is no record of Blue Mist abusing a colt named Leo
- Emily is intended to be a self-insert for the author
- Emily has memory gaps in this story and can't always remember the stuff she's done
- Emily the character seems to have memories of the author.
Statements I'm pretty sure of:
- Emily has some variation of ADD
- Physically Emily seems like a healthy thirteen year old pegasus filly
- Ivory Spark wants what's best for Emily
Statements I'm unsure of:
- Does Blue Mist exist here?
- If so then naturally there would be no record of Leo as that was not the colts proper name and the original colt never stood up for himself.
- Is this actually a mind over matter situation?
- If not who the heck is going to be visiting Emily.
- How does that diagnosis from Baltimare even exist?
- Where does the title come into play? Is Emily subtlety influencing the world?
When I have tuna, I drown it in mayonnaise. Literally drown it, as in there is more mayonnaise than tuna.
I'm a freak, and I'm okay with that.
11506204
I hope this isn't a bad thing or I'm not making it too confusing. I do want to slowly paint the picture that were figuring things out along with Emily and Ivory Spark (although the story is probably already about half over).
11506197
This is the reason why I had to write it in 3rd person and away from Emily's POV, because the story's narrator/perspective needs to be reliable, since we don't know if Emily is reliable yet.
11506468
It isn't a bad thing at all. It's understandable. I just need to wait.
11506470
Author uses "unreliable narrator"... it's super effective!
Nice twist though with her not remembering asking about the Leo stuff, lot of ambiguity thrown into the situation about what is actually going on. Very reminiscent of some of the tv shows which switch back and forth between a fantastical situation and the protagonist actually being in a mental hospital and it never being exactly clear which is truly real.
11479481
This is where I feel the story is at the moment (metaphorically) and it's honestly getting a bit disheartening with Emily coming up with ways of proving her version of reality and just repeatedly being slapped down. I would have liked for her to have some good things happen too.
I had a very ambigious feeling about the story while reading Mind Over Matter too, and that one eventually resolved to something that made sense, so I guess I'm in for the rest of the ride. It seems pretty depressing at the moment though.
Ah ye old Psycholgist unintentionally gaslighting their patient into thinking they're crazy, a classic tale.