Chapter One: Crimson Vision
Chapter One: Crimson Vision
“Crimson! It’s time to open up shop, get your ass down here!” a loud gruff voice shouted, prompting a low groan to emanate from a pile of pillows and blankets.
“Ugh… I know, I know!” a yellow unicorn shouted as he poked his head out from under the covers and let out a loud yawn. A red aura surrounded his horn and flicked on the lights in his room. He didn’t have a lot aside from a couple of gray and black dressers, a mirror hanging next to his door, a crystal orb that connected to a gaming console, and a single poster hanging on his wall of a black unicorn with a white mane and tail, wearing white armor in a heroic pose with the words “Join the Fight!!!” written at the bottom.
He rubbed his eyelids as he climbed out of his bed and made his way over to his mirror. A yellow unicorn with crimson red eyes, a white mane with red streaks, and a large scar over his right eye stared back at him. At the start of every day, he looked in that same mirror and saw the same eyes stare back at him, wanting someone else aside from him to believe in him just once. All he could do was glare in annoyance as he levitated a comb over and began to comb his mane.
You can do this Crimson! Father may not believe in you, but you can prove him wrong today! Show everyone that you can get in!
Once his mane was neatly made, he glanced above his door where he had a digital clock hanging and with wide eyes, noticed that it was 6:30 AM.
Damn old coot! I work my ass off all night fixing that client’s rusty old car and he can’t even let me sleep in a little longer…?!
He took a deep breath and let out a loud sigh before finally making his way down a spiral staircase, making a left turn down towards the kitchen where he saw an orange earth pony with a gray and black beard, mane, and tail with specks of white, sitting down at the kitchen table. Just as he was about to start arguing, two identical fillies pushed past him, arguing about something.
“THAT’S MY BOW!!!”
“NO, IT’S MINE!!!”
“IT LOOKS BETTER ON ME!!!”
“NO, IT DOESN’T!!!”
“Fire Flower! Fire Lily! Both of you stop arguing and sit down! You two know the rules, no arguing in the kitchen!” the old stallion reprimanded with a disgruntled tone.
“Yes papa,” the two fillies said simultaneously before flattening their ears and making their way over to the kitchen table to sit down across from the older stallion.
With a loud groan, the yellow and crimson unicorn made his way over to the refrigerator and pulled out a gallon of milk with his hoof, while his horn was surrounded by a red aura and magic began to open one of the kitchen cabinets and pulled out a bowl and a box of coco cereal.
“Hey, Crim! Can we have some!?” Fire Lily asked, and with a roll of his eyes, he levitated another two bowls from the cabinet.
"Fine, but next time you need to serve yourselves," he stated with a slight edge to his voice as he began to fill their bowls up before filling up his own and pouring milk for himself.
“Don’t forget, boy, I need you to run some errands,” reminded the older stallion as he began to read his morning paper, “Picking things up, dropping things off, that kind of thing.”
“Ugh, Dad…!” Crimson groaned, “You had me working on that old car all night, I barely got any sleep, can’t I have some time to unwind?”
“You already had the weekend off! And you wouldn’t have had to work on that client’s car all night if you had gotten the correct parts I asked for!”
“You gave me the wrong address! This is why I-” Crimson rebuked.
“Now, now you two, there shouldn’t be any arguing at the kitchen table,” a soft, calming voice drew the attention of both stallions towards a pink unicorn, her mane a beautiful orange with yellow streaks had just arrived, much to Crimson’s relief.
“Morning, Mom,” Crimson smiled just before his two little sisters jumped from their seats and ran up to hug their mother.
“MOMMY!!!” They both cheered in unison.
“Inside voices…” their father reminded them, but he lowered his paper and his expression seemed to soften. “Good morning, hon,” he said with a slight smile.
“Good morning, love. Please, go easy on Crimson today. He’s taking the entrance exam and he’s going to need to be rested and refreshed,” she replied, trotting up to her husband and giving him a quick peck on the lip.
Fleet Hoof sighed while giving his son a somewhat impatient look before raising his paper again, “I suppose…”
“Oh gee, thanks so much for your consideration, Father…” Crimson responded with a slight shade of sarcasm, only to get his ear flicked by his mother’s tail.
“Respect your father, Crimson Vision,” the mare scolded with a soft playful undertone and Crimson’s sisters giggled at the flummoxed look on his face.
“Yes, Mom…” he grumbled, before giving her a grateful smile, “and thanks.”
“Sunflower, dear, shouldn’t you have breakfast before you head to work?” Fleet asked as his wife took a seat beside him.
“I am perfectly fine, I was planning on going to brunch with some of my co-workers today at a new café. Buuuuttt, I’ll help myself to a few grapes before I leave,” she replied, levitating the bowl over.
Fleet Hoof smiled for the briefest moment before his scowl returned when he turned his gaze towards his son, “Crimson, how many times have you tried that exam? What is this, the-the… eighth time you’re gonna take it?”
“Third time, Dad!” Crimson rebutted, grinding his teeth together in irritation. But before he could continue, he soon felt a painful pinch against the tip of his ear and it started to hurt more.
“OWOWOWOWW!!”
“OWOWOW! NOT THE EARS AGAIN!” Fleet Hoof started yelling in pain as he also was feeling the same pain.
“Honestly, you two bicker like a couple of school fillies! I won’t tolerate this kind of behavior at the kitchen table, especially in front of the girls!” Sunflower yelled, earning a giggle from the twins as they continued eating their cereal.
“Hehe, Daddy and Big Bro got in trouble again~” Fire Lily whispered to her sister, trying but failing to cover their giggles.
“Okay, Mom! I get it! I won’t argue with Dad!”
“Fine, you can go, but before you leave, I need you to take the broccoli casserole in the fridge I made for the Harmonic family. I know you and Mezzo are meeting up later, but I’d appreciate it if you took this for them. Especially since his mother made such a wonderful cake for the girl’s birthday party last week,” Sunflower explained.
With a quick nod, Crimson shoveled the remainder of his cereal into his mouth and made his way towards the fridge to pull out the casserole his mother made and carefully placed it in a plastic bag. With a spring in his step, he made his way out the front door, but before he could make it out, he was quickly stopped by a hoof on his shoulder.
“Crimson, you know I love you, right?” Fleet asked, his tone low and his expression held no anger.
“So whatever happens, I am here for you, even if you don’t get in.”
There he goes again, telling me again that I’m not getting in, but I’m going to show him!
“I’m going to get in this time, I’ve been practicing my magic every chance I get. I have a good feeling about today,” he replied, still hoping that he'd show some support for his dream.
"Sigh… Just don't get your hopes too high, boy. I'll see you later at the shop today, got a lot of clients that need an oil change and I could use an extra set of hooves," Fleet Hoof said, making his way back to the kitchen, shaking his head.
I'll show you Dad, I know this time will be different.
With nothing else to say, Crimson made his way out the door and onto the streets of Manehattan, ready to take on the day as he began to make his way to his friend’s home.
It didn't take too long to reach his friend's apartment building and for him to make his way up a flight of stairs to the third floor. Crimson sometimes wished at some point he could have his own apartment, away from his family, a quiet space where he could get away from all his troubles. However, before he could dwell on those thoughts, he suddenly felt something jump on his back, almost knocking him to the ground.
“Heya Crimsy!” A sweet voice called out to him as he craned his head to be met face to face with a female griffon who had bright green eyes and white feather bangs.
Crimson barely stopped himself from recoiling and opted for a slight glare.
“Really? Again?” he stated, his tone as dry as the hot sun outside.
“‘Really?’ You’re not used to it by now, bucko?” a new, sharper voice cut through the air from beyond the tall doorway; it sounded almost like someone artificially pitched Star’s voice down. The door swung open to reveal a white griffon with navy blue and red feather wings.
“You gotta always be on edge when she’s around, bro,” another deeper voice called out to him from inside the apartment. “Use the staircase as cover next time, like, get low to the ground like you’re an infiltrator or something,” he said, his voice growing louder as he walked into view. Crimson scrutinized his friend’s jet-black and blue mane, gray coat, and matching wings, opting to direct another glare into his golden eyes.
"Geez, why didn't I think of that? Oh wait! I wasn't expecting to get jumped first thing in the morning!" he shouted, almost letting out a snarl in annoyance as Star climbed off his back. "Star, you almost destroyed my mom's casserole!"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know. You forgive me, right, Crimsy?" Star asked, her eyes widening and lip quivering.
"I'll forgive you… for twenty bits,"
"You're so mean!" she cried, sticking her tongue out.
Rolling his eyes, he couldn't help but chuckle as he turned back to the others. "So, Mezzo, Stripes, I take it you guys are ready for the flight exams today?"
“Fuck yeah, I am! I’m ready to reach ludicrous speed with these puppies,” Mezzo says with a grin and punctuates it with a flap of his wings.
"I'm excited, see?" She says with a quick flap of her wings with a bored expression.
"That’s probably the most excitement you've shown in a while, Stripes," Crimson stated, levitating the casserole over to Mezzo. "By the way, my mom made this for your folks, Mezz, for the cake your mom made for my sisters' birthday."
“Oh, shit, thanks,” he says with a smile and holds his wing out to catch the casserole. “By the way, you seem a little more wound up than usual. You don’t usually react that badly to Star, and you wouldn’t cause that much fuss from just a casserole. So, what’s up?”
"Yeah, you usually laugh when I jump you! What gives?"
"I'm just pumped for this exam! This is going to be the one and nothing is gonna bring me down!" Crimson declared, trying his best to force his lips to curl up. "If anything, I'm not excited enough!"
"You're bad at lying, you know that, right?" Stripes stated the obvious as she pulled out her digital scroll and went over her text messages.
“There’s always something more,” Mezzo said with a nod. “You’re not getting out of this, so you might as well just spill.”
"It’s nothing guys, just had another argument with my Pops, no biggie," he answered with a sheepish smile that soon fell into a frown. "You don't believe me, do you?"
“Yeah, imma hit you with the ‘lol, nah,’ brother,” Mezzo said, grinning.
Crimson sighed and let his shoulders drop a little. "Fine, I got into another argument about me taking the exam today. My father doesn't believe I'm going to get in. That's nothing new, but he didn’t really try to show his support, you know?" he explained as Mezzo swiveled his gaze back towards Star and Stripes who both sported sympathetic expressions.
"Well, we believe you, Crimsy," Star spoke with a smile, patting his back with her talons.
"Prove the old mule wrong then," Stripes responded, looking away from her scroll for a moment. "Get into the academy, then rub it in his fucking face."
“Exactly. While I don’t condone being an asshole most of the time, you don’t deserve that kind of negativity. When you get in, then…I dunno. Just don’t be a bitch about it to him, that doesn’t usually end up with anyone feeling happy,” Mezzo finished with a small smile.
“Sorry, I shoulda said something earlier,” he continues, waving Crimson in with his other wing. “Come on, let’s stop just standing in the doorway. So, what can I getcha? Water? Soda? Food? Snacks?” Mezzo slid the casserole off his wing and onto the kitchen counter.
"Heh, definitely some food, didn't get to enjoy my breakfast. Literally scarfed everything quickly and bolted out the door," Crimson replied as he followed his friends inside.
As they entered the apartment, Crimson began to recall all the times he visited his friend when they were young colts and how everything in the apartment was pretty much the same. From the old wooden floors to the same kitchen top counters that were right across from the living room. However, he did notice that there was a brand new gray sofa and a new glass coffee table.
"It’s been a while since I've been here," Crimson said wistfully, his gaze flowing across the walls and furniture of the apartment like waves on a tropical island.
"Probably because we're all either at your place, the diner, or that karaoke place that Star loves to go to," Stripes explained as she pulled up her scroll again and began typing away.
"Hey, Mezzo, got more of those glazed donuts?" Star asked with a wide grin, clinging to the stallion’s side.
“Fuck yeah, I do, lemme grab ‘em.” Mezzo then made his way into the kitchen and buried his head inside the pantry after motioning with a wing for the three of them to sit down in the living room. Mezzo returned with an already cracked open box of donuts by the time Crimson, Star, and Stripes plopped themselves down on the couch.
“Here, go nuts,” he said, letting them drop onto the small coffee table, only for Star to quickly grab two at once and start to devour them.
"Star, the donuts aren't going anywhere, seriously, you're going to choke if you don’t slow down-" However, before Crimson could finish, Stripes covered his mouth with her talons.
"Let her. If she wants to get fat, that's up to her." As soon as she finished, Star immediately stopped and placed the other donut back in the box.
Crimson couldn't help but let out a chuckle as he watched the twin griffons start to bicker with one another. He had to admit that being around his friends made feel less bitter about what happened earlier that morning with his folks. Despite all the negative emotions that keep pegging at his brain, he was determined to prove to everyone that he'll enter the academy and become an Arch Mage of the Order.
“You know, I’m glad to have friends like you guys,” Crimson said suddenly, as all of them turned their attention towards him.
“Dude, what’s with the sappy crap all of a sudden?” Stripes asked, her brow raised as she set her scroll down.
“No real reason, just wanted to say that is all,” he replied, his horn glowing a red hue as a donut levitated towards him.
“You such a weirdo Crimsey!” Star laughed.
“Not as weird as you Star!” Crimson joked, letting out a laugh as well.
I know I can do this, and as long as I have good friends like them by my side, there’s no way I’ll fail. I’ll become a hero just like my greatest idol, Watcher Obsidian, and become an Archmage
“So have you guys seen the news lately?” Stripes asked, opening up an article on her scroll as the four of them made their way to Manehatten’s Military academy.
“I didn’t exactly have time, why?” Crimson asked.
“Well apparently someone’s spotted a unicorn… with wings, claiming to be Celestia, Goddess of the Sun and ruler of Equestria,” she explained.
“Ay yo, what the fuck? What’s that, ten different sightings in the past six months now?” Mezzo asked with a smirk.
“Yep, honestly the whole hype about this faker should have stopped in the first month. There’s been, like, so many fakes coming and going over the years that it’s really getting annoying at this point,” Star explained as she rolled her eyes.
“Well, fake or not, doesn’t matter, the Order should be sending someone to help this mare. And hey, for all we know, she might be the real deal, you know, if she tries to prove it,” Crimson said.
“Yeah, assuming she ever gets the opportunity to,” Mezzo says, shrugging his wings.
“Everypony has been waiting for over two thousand years for the Princesses to return and restore peace to Equestria. The Order isn’t going to turn her away if it means restoring the rightful ruler to her place,” Crimson added.
"But that's just what the government wants us to think! Like how they want us to think that birds are real!" Mezzo said as best he could, his sides collapsing in laughter all the while.
“Haha! Well, either way-” But before Crimson could go on, he felt something or rather someone bump into him.
“Hey! Watch where- Oh why am I not surprised that it’s you!” A gorgeous unicorn with a dark red coat and black and white mane as bright yellow eyes glared at Crimson. She was wearing a gray uniform with a red tie and black skirt accompanied by a brown satchel hanging by her side.
Of all ponies, it just HAD to be Scarlett! Crimson thought as he glared back at her.
“What are you doing here, bitch?!” Stripes shouted, dropping her scroll for the first time, and began to snarl at the unicorn as the feathers on her neck began to ruffle.
“Oh, and you brought the useless flock with you, guess I shouldn’t be surprised that someone as useless as you would hang around useless birds,” Scarlett said, chuckling to herself as two other unicorns wearing the same uniform walked up beside her.
“Hey, isn’t that the guy who failed the magic exam twice now?” One of the mares said, letting out a laugh.
“Hey, isn’t that the mare who’s so insecure that she has to insult others to keep her social status?” Mezzo asked with a smirk and raised eyebrows.
“You stupid chicken! How dare you insult Scarlett! Why I-”
“Don’t listen to him, he’s not worth insulting, but Crimson! I thought I made it clear to you last time that I didn’t want you attending this school, only the best of the best can enter this academy!” Scarlett barked, causing him to back up a bit.
“You are even worse than these birdbrained rejects! Do you really think the academy is going to let a bug like you in when they already have someone like me?~”
“Shut up! Crimsey is just as talented as the rest of you!” Star shouted, but suddenly her beak was zipped shut while Scarlett’s horn glowed a blood-red hue.
“SCAR! Leave. Them. Out. They have nothing to do with-” But before he could go on, he was suddenly pushed to the ground by a similar blood-red glow.
“Hey, fuck outta here with tha-” Mezzo starts, but is cut off as he’s suddenly hurled to the group.
“I’d suggest keeping quiet, chicken, this shouldn’t take long,” One of Scarlett’s friends said, her mouth contorted into a sneer.
Mezzo could only glare back at her and purse his lips in response.
“Let them go!” Stripes flew at Scarlett, her talons ready to claw at the unicorn, but before she could, she was suddenly with Scarlett’s magic and was thrown into a nearby bush.
“Let me make this clear to you, Crimson,” Scarlett started, her voice as low as Crimson’s self-esteem. “You are nothing! No matter how hard you try, you’ll never make it with the rest of us! Even your weak-ass friends have a better shot at entering this academy than you, and they aren’t even unicorns! That’s the saddest part! So do us all a favor and just go home, the last thing the Order needs is for an embarrassment like you entering their school.”
“Hey! What’s going on over there?” An older unicorn came out from the gate of the academy, causing Scarlett to release her magic immediately while she helped Crimson to his hooves.
“Nothing, sir, just helping out an old friend!” She explained with a strained grin.
“Well, enough lollygagging! The entrance exam is about to begin, and shouldn’t you three be heading to the flight district on the other side of campus!?” the older unicorn asked Mezzo, Stripes, and Star.
“Yes, sir, we were just… trying to help Crimson out,” Stripes answered, pulling her friend away from Scarlett.
“That’s not true at all!” Star started.
“They were holding us down and about to beat up Crimson, sir. That’s it,” Mezzo stated while standing up and dusting himself off with his wings.
“They zipped my mouth shut! Threw my sister into a bush and shoved Crimson to the ground!” Star added as her wings started to flare up.
The older unicorn turned toward the trio of unicorns. “Is this true?”
“Professor Flashlight, they are simply exaggerating, it was an accident. I bumped into Crimson Vision and he fell to the ground. I was a bit distracted and for that, I apologize, Vision, I hope you’ll forgive me.” Scarlett said, smirking at the four of them.
“Well, don’t let this happen again, as for you three, get going! Sergeant Thunderstorm doesn’t like it when students are late,” The Professor said, making his way back inside while muttering under his breath “dumb birds”.
“Just remember what I said, Crimson, it’s cruel to keep dreaming about something that will never happen,” Scarlett said with a huff and trotted off with her other two friends following behind. Once they were out of sight, Crimson let out a deep sigh as he sat his flank to the ground in defeat.
“So much for having a good day,” he muttered.
“Hey,” Mezzo started, placing a wing over Crimson’s shoulder, “don’t let them get to you. You know they’re full of shit, I know they’re full of shit, the only thing that isn’t full of shit is the endless pit of despair they’ve fallen down. Though, I think that’s more so because they’ve fallen into Tartarus, but that’s not the point.”
“Mezzo’s right, and we’re here for you Crimsey,” Star added, sitting next to him and placing a wing around him as well.
“Tch! This is such bullshit! What gives them the right to treat you like this!? Not to mention, even when you two tried to explain things, they only got a warning! And did you hear what that professor called us when he walked off!?” Stripes shouted, pacing back and forth.
“He wasn’t really nice, was he?”
“Nice or not, nothing we can really do about it now, I shouldn’t be that surprised that he’d take her side. She always did have a way of putting on a show when she wanted to,” Crimson explained, before finally standing up once more. “Once all of us get in, we’re going to make real changes for a better future. I don’t care what everyone says, no one tells me what I can and can’t do and no one gets away with calling you guys dumb birds or chickens!”
“Soooooo… Prank the teacher later on?” Star asked, grinning.
“Prank the teacher later on!” Crimson said confidently. “Alright guys, I better get going, and you should too!”
“Alright, we’ll see later, just promise me we’ll get back at that bitch, too!?” Stripes asked, barely managing to smile at him for a moment.
“It’s a… promise,” Crimson said, only smiling when Stripes’ mockery of happiness morphed into a true smile.
“Anyway, good luck at your exam, bro,” Mezzo said with a smirk before retracting his wing and standing up. “See ya on the other side.”
“See ya on the other side,” Crimson replied.
“Sorry, kid, but you aren’t cut out to enter this academy,” An old unicorn mare stated as she looked down at her clipboard.
“W-What? I haven’t even started yet!?”
“Crimson Vision, you’ve been coming here every year for two years, and for two years you have failed to meet the requirements to enter this academy. I just don’t see a point in even bothering to go over this exam with you.” She explained.
“Are you kidding me right now!?! The requirements are right here on your entrance forum for this school!” He replied, pulling out the forum from his saddlebag and slamming it onto the table. “Requirements for entrance exam: must have mastered five different spells and maintain spells for thirty seconds.”
“Ugh! I thought we had retracted those old forums, sorry for the misunderstanding, but the requirement to enter this academy is to have learned ten spells and maintain them for two minutes. I’m sorry, but you can’t take this exam Crimson Vision, it’s best that you return home,” She explained, trying to be apologetic towards him. “If it makes you feel better, we won’t put this on the record and you can apply at a different school.”
“Oh, bullshit! Several other unicorns came in here and performed five spells, and you didn’t bother mentioning this to any of them!”
“You want the truth? Okay, here it is then, our school has a reputation to uphold and we already let one low-class unicorn into this academy and we don’t plan to bring anymore! We require pure pristine unicorns who have class and elegance. Not some downtown garbage boy! Now if you are done wasting my time, get out while I’m still in a good mood.”
“Fine… But do know that you’ll regret this someday,” Crimson stated, making his way out of the testing area as another unicorn began to make their way inside to take the test.
“Replace bolts on tires, install new tires… and oil change,” he muttered out loud as he looked over the checklist for the client’s car, putting on his apron as he began making his way towards the garage, but before he could enter, he felt a hoof grab his shoulder. Looking behind him in annoyance, he saw his father who looked distressed.
“Crimson, are you okay?” he asked.
“Yeah… I’m fine, just gonna take care of this last car for the day and then I’ll head home,” he answered, doing his best to hide his anguish and misery.
“Son, you can head home for the day, I’ll close-”
“I’ll handle it, Dad! Sorry, just- I need to be alone right now, I’ll close up shop for the day,” he said in a strained tone, as a red hue began to tie the straps of his apron around his waist and he made his way inside the garage.
Holding the door open, Fleet Hoof struggled to find the words he needed to say to him, but nothing came out as he saw his son checking the dipstick to the oil. “J-Just be careful when you come home, there’s supposed to be a thunderstorm tonight. So if you get caught in it, you can stay in the spare room we have here. A-and don’t forget to take the trash out please,”
“Yes, sir,” he replied, and as soon as his father left, he was about to start working on the oil change, but his scroll started to vibrate.
The Group!!!
Mezzo: Passed the flight test
Star: Same!!! And same with Stripes!!!
Stripes: You don’t have to put so many exclamation points you know. One is enough, but hell yeah! Same here!
Crimson couldn’t help but laugh at the messages as he leaned against the car, sliding against it as he plopped down in defeat. Tears began to form as the messages kept coming in.
Star: Hey Crimsey!!! How did the test go!?
With a deep sigh, Crimson began typing away.
Me: Everything was good, I just have to wait for now.
Stripes: Hey, I know you are going to get in dude, don’t worry, and if you ever need someone to talk to, we’re here for you.
Mezzo: Yeah, we’re here for you, if you want we can all go out to celebrate once you get in
Me: Sure, anyways gtg, need to finish work.
Stripes: Have a good night Crimson
Star: Night, Crimsey!!!
Mezzo: Night
Crimson did everything in his power to force himself to stop crying, and despite hearing the sounds of tapping against the glass window as rain began to pour down. He didn’t realize that some time had passed and despite all his efforts, he couldn’t help but just let it all out.
And so he cried, letting out the pain as he sat alone in the garage, tears finally flowing freely as they hit the ground.
It hurts… Despite having the support of his friends, it wasn’t enough.
Damnit! Why!? WHY IS EVERYTHING GOING SO WRONG!?!? I couldn’t get in! I couldn’t tell my friends what happened!?!? I couldn’t even protect my friends!! I couldn’t even stand up to Scarlett of all ponies!!! It sucks even more that my own family couldn’t even support my dream!!!
Can’t the universe just throw me a bone just this once!?!?!
*CRACKLE BOOM*
Crimson immediately jumped to his hooves after hearing the sound of thunder screamed out. Seeing that the storm was getting worse, his horn began to glow and he lifted the trash bag out and began to take it out, hoping to get it over with quickly, but just as he was about to make his way out.
*CRASH*
I swear this just isn’t my day! THANKS UNIVERSE!!! Now I have to deal with those dumb raccoons again!
However, he didn’t find any raccoons when he got outside, instead he found a white mare wearing an old dirty brown cloak, laying over the garbage from his trash cans. He was surprised at first, but just as he was about to go inside and pretend that he didn’t see anything, his conscience stopped him from doing so as it had always told him to help.
“Hey are you okay?” he asked, getting closer to the mare and it was there that he noticed upon closer inspection when she looked up to him that she had a pure red mane and strange tattoo markings across her face. He also noticed that she had beautiful magenta eyes, the most beautiful he had ever seen.
“I-I’m sorry, I’ll go-” She tried to stand, but fell back down and he noticed that she had injured her leg.
“H-Hey it’s okay, it was an accident… and if you want I have a medkit back inside, we can treat your injuries, if you want of course?” he offered, extending his hoof out to her.
“W-Why are you helping me?” She asked, her eyes narrowing as she began wondering if he had ulterior motives.
“It's the right thing to do,”
“W-What is your name?”
“Crimson Vision, what’s yours?”
“Celestia… Princess Celestia,”
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Oh boi oh boi oh boi oh boi oh boi!
...Well it's an interesting plot? I won't sugar coat this, the pacing may have need some work along with the bad guys. Scarlett could've used a lot more environmental reasoning to why she just came off as mean. Like maybe explain more about how society sees unicorns like Crimson as inferior. I liked how you did establish characters like the family and friends. For a first chapter I really can't comment other than, maybe you could've added more emphasis on the idea of why people in general see him as inferior, or maybe like an upper class only thinks that? Idk, I just think if it was vital it would be established at chapter 1. And the desk pony just seemed to be an asshole for no reason turning a 180 from trying to help out to just suddenly being an asshole.
Maybe you could've made them like be nice but as more Crimson pesters them the more they'd be ticked off? Or perhaps show WHY the school is so important.
Also could've added more built up to meeting Celestia, like what if he was scared of a creature or monster outside, could've added tension that built suspense instead of just; but it was no raccoon he saw but a injured unicorn.
Like add descriptions to her bruising to add some level of interest to the viewers.
Example. "Turning the corner I swiftly swerved my head to the main center of suspicion. But what I found shook my body; a pegasus with a swirling mess of colors onto what could barely be recognized as pure pristine white fur. Instead in it's cleanliness was a red swirled mess that was soaked in it's cuts and gashes. The body limping, it's limbs trying to move from the spilling of it's own sources of crimson streaks." Something like that to show the cuts and bruises, it makes us the viewers wonder what she went through, what sort of damage she suffered to go that far. Instead of just glossing over it like, "she's hurt."
Painting that kind of a mess of a picture that she is puts a much more vivid depiction of what we're see in terms of damage.
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Thank you for the input, when I have time I'll probably go back to add more to Celestia’s scene. As for Scarlett and the Order, more will be explained in future chapters. I didn't want to over explain everything like I did in my previous story.
There are reasons why Scarlett is like that, there are reasons why unicorns view Crimson in such a way, and there is a reason as to why the school is important and why Crimson wants to go to that school.
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Can't believe it's out now xD
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Oh, hello, fancy seeing you here
All of this is very interesting can't wait to see more.
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Look forward to more :)