On the Fine Art of Giving Yourself Advice

by McPoodle

Chapter 18B: Status Check, Part 2 (Raven, H. Rainbow Dash)

Raven. Rockville.

There are no shadows on the Pie farm, at least outside of the house. This was very much on purpose. Also, none of Raven’s daughters served as an aide in Rockville, as was spelled out in the Pie Family Accords.

Therefore, Raven had to enter Rockville behind the desert pine at the railroad crossing, and walk the fifteen kilometers to the farm on hoof, through the abnormally hot weather of this region. (Lots of sun is good for the rocks.) Igneous Rock Pie was waiting for her at the family well, located just within the entrance gate. He was a tan earth pony stallion with a thin gray coat and a striped gray mane. He had long sideburns, a dark gray rancher hat, and a light gray collar with a straight dark gray tie.

Igneous stood there, absolutely still, his eyes slowly tracking her progress until she reached the gate. By that time her collar had slumped down, and her cravat had wilted.

“Good morning, Mr. Pie,” Raven said, huffing from the exertion.

He dipped a ladle into the raised bucket of water and took a slow sip while he gathered his thoughts.

Raven opened and closed her chapped lips a few times, imagining drinking that cool water herself.

Igneous finally spoke. “I’ve heard of you,” he said in a low voice.

Raven laughed. “Do they still tell stories of me to keep the foals in line?” she asked.

“Have you stopped giving them reason to, Black Bird?”

Raven thought back on the look on Dr. Tarbell’s face after she had exhibited her true power to him. “No,” she said darkly. “And the name’s Raven this time around. Black Bird’s too obvious.”

Igneous sighed. “I will bow to the inevitable, then. Would you care to come in?”

“Don’t mind if I do.” She silently opened the gate and walked over to him.

Igneous frowned. “That gate was supposed to squeak,” he remarked.

“May I have a drink?” Raven asked, ignoring Igneous’ question.

Igneous handed over the ladle. It was nearly empty.

Raven smiled slightly at the obvious snub and drank what she was given without over-extending the offer by asking for more.

“How’s the government?” Igneous asked.

“Hasn’t fallen yet,” Raven replied. “Celestia’s still the Princess, in case you were wondering.”

Igneous snorted. “There’s a difference between non-participation and ignorance, Raven.”

“Yes, about that,” Raven said, returning the ladle. “It’s time for the Pies to re-enter society. That’s why I’m here.”

“‘Never a pony shall welcome a Pie / While color blue is painted the sky.’” He then looked up. “Those were the words of the prophecy. The sky still looks blue to me.”

“Harmony uses and ignores prophesies on Her whim,” Raven said. “And maybe it needs to be a Pie to go out there and break it.”

“Maybe it needs to be you,” Igneous said.

Raven looked away. “My relationship with the Pie family is complicated. You know that.”

Igneous rounded the well to get into her face. “And how do you know that I know that? As far as I know, we’ve never met.”

Raven’s shoulders slumped. “I’m not trying to pick a fight...Sir.” She almost said his name. “Harmony gave one of your daughters her cutie mark. That was no decision of mine. This daughter is meant for greater things. It is my expectation, but also my hope, that this daughter wants this destiny.” She took in a deep breath through her nose and let it out through her mouth. “You have a right to be angry at this, to be the first Pie in more than ten generations to have a child who wishes to move more than a day’s walk away from your home, a daughter that you may have to say goodbye forever to.”

“Two daughters.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“My eldest Maud wants a formal education. Show off her knowledge to the world, and receive praise and approbation for it.” Igneous did not audibly emphasize the words, but the slight expressions when he said “praise” and “approbation” signified that these words were distasteful to him. “So I have Harmony to thank for losing nearly half of my family on this day.”

“She doesn’t have to be leaving today.”

“I’m leaving today, Miss Raven.”

Raven looked over at the front porch of the farmhouse, where a gray filly with a teal-gray frock and violet-gray mane with a severely straight cut stood watching them. She did a double take on realizing that she absolutely did not hear that pony walk out onto the porch. Unless she was standing there the whole time?

“Were you standing there the whole time?” Raven said.

“I was standing here the whole time, Miss Raven,” the filly said, “and I just so happened to hear everything you were saying.” Her voice was completely monotone, but the timing of her words implied that what she said was in no way a response to what Raven had just said. “My name is Maud.”

“What’s your...oh, alright, Maud,” Raven said.

“And I’m Pinkie Pie!”

“Aaah!” Raven uttered a little scream, spinning about to face the pink filly with a mane that resembled cotton candy. “Where did you come from?” Raven hadn’t been truly surprised by anything in several pony generations, and yet these two fillies were able to keep her completely off-balance.

“Well, when a planet coalesces at just the right distance from its parent star and cools, water vapor forms, which collects into oceans,” the pink filly replied to Raven’s question, speaking at a breakneck pace. “The resulting stew of chemicals—”

“—Pinkie Pie?”

“Yes?”

“...I no longer need an answer to my previous question.”

“You look like a government pony,” Pinkie observed.

“I am.”

“Can you arrest me for being a human? I need the Princess—”

“—Princess Celestia,” Maud said. The emphasis on “Celestia” was barely perceptible.

“I refuse to accept that my principal is a primary force of nature!” Pinkie Pie said. “I didn’t believe it when my human parents said it, and I don’t believe it now.”

“Yes, I’m here to take you to the Princess. My name’s Raven.”

“I know,” Pinkie said.

“Were you listening to my conversation, too?” Raven asked.

“No, the name’s on your...” Pinkie pointed at a non-existent name tag.

Raven looked down.

Unseen by Raven, Maud gave Pinkie a warning look. Pinkie had a momentary look of panic, which vanished before Raven looked back up at her, confused.

“Made you look!” Pinkie joked. “I mean, I heard Maud say it just now. You weren’t just giving her a silly nickname, were you, Maud?”

“That’s more of a ‘Pinkie’ thing, I would think,” Maud remarked.

“No, the giving of nicknames shouldn’t happen on the first meeting,” said Pinkie, suddenly very serious. “That tends to be the name giver either trying too hard, or else imposing their ego on the victim. A proper nickname should be embraced by the per...pony receiving it, even if that process takes a few years.”

“So that would mean that ‘Raven’ is her name.”

“Yes. Hi, Raven!”

“Hello.”

“Well, are you both ready to go?” Igneous said, very much using grumpiness to hide his sadness at their departure.

Pinkie walked over and hugged Igneous. “Now you know full well that your Pinkie will come back here to see you when this is all straightened out,” she told him.

“And then I’ll have to send her too.”

“...Yes,” Pinkie was forced to admit.

“I’m not coming back,” Maud said, as a simple statement of fact.

There was an uncomfortable silence.

“Well, it’s true. We already had our goodbye party last night.” She put a gray valise as big as she was on her back.

Pinkie Pie put a pink hoof-purse on her back. She reared up on her hind hooves to offer a hug to Igneous, and the bag somehow managed to stay stuck to her back.

“We already had the physical display of affection,” said Igneous, backing away slightly.

“Right,” Pinkie said, disappointed. She lowered herself back down. “Thanks for everything.”

“You just remember to tell your father what I told you,” Igneous said.

Pinkie saluted. “Will do!” She turned and pronked her way over the fence.

Maud looked over at her father for a few seconds. “Farewell,” she said simply.

“Fare thee well,” said Igneous, before turning away to hide a tear.

Maud walked past Raven and out the gate.

Raven nodded to Igneous.

After a reluctant pause, Igneous returned the gesture.

Raven left the farm, speeding up until she was walking alongside Maud. There was no way she could possibly keep up with Pinkie Pie, who was halfway to the horizon already.

The two walked silently for several minutes, until Raven realized that Maud had been staring at her. With no expression on her face, it was impossible for Raven to tell why Maud was doing this, so she just looked back and asked, “Do you have a question for me?”

“Earlier, you said that the name Black Bird was ‘too obvious’,” Maud said. “What did you mean by that?” The presence of the question mark in her utterance was entirely implied.

Raven turned her head to look forward. “Four and twenty,” was all she said in reply.

Maud thought this over for a few moments. “I see,” she said finally.

‘Three and twenty now,’ Raven added mentally.

(In the distance, Pinkie Pie’s voice could be heard singing the nursery rhyme. She would come up with a dozen new verses in the time it took to reach Rockville.)

Raven decided that there was something she wanted to know as well. “Obviously you’re coming along to look after your sister,” she began.

“Obviously.”

“Is there anything else you’re hoping to accomplish on this trip to the capital?”

“Are there any geological seminaries in Canterlot?”

“No, and they’re called colleges now. The city library is good for finding the locations of those colleges in Equestria, though.”

“And beyond?”

“To a limited extent.”

“Would the Diamond Dogs have any colleges open to ponies?”

Raven stopped walking. “I do not know,” she said with a note of wonder in her voice. She smiled. “It’s been a while since I was asked a question where I had no idea what the answer was, or even how to find out the answer.”

“Then I guess we can find out together,” said Maud.

“Yes, I suppose we can.”

---

Raven bought train tickets for the two sisters in Rockville, then saw them onto the train. “You should arrive in Canterlot by late afternoon,” she told them.

“What about you?” Pinkie asked.

“I’ve got other ways to get around. I’ll pick you up when you arrive.”

Maud put a hoof on Pinkie’s withers, to stop her from saying anything in reply. Like challenging Raven to a race.

Pinkie waited until the train left the station until looking over at Maud and saying, “I wasn’t going to say it.”

“Weren’t you?”

“OK, maybe I would have. You know she’s going to figure out what’s going on with the two of us sooner or later.”

---

H. Rainbow Dash.

When the Friendship Express arrived at Canterlot, a light gray unicorn mare with a dark brown mane in a bun was waiting for Rainbow Dash and her party. She wore glasses with thick black rims over her dark brown eyes, and a starched white collar with a red cravat. A red elastic band held her tail in a second bun. “Hello,” she said. “My name’s Raven, and I’ve been sent by the Princess to personally escort you to the palace.”

“Thank the Maker!” exclaimed Gilda.

Standing beside Raven was a light blue unicorn filly in a robe and hat. “And I’m just an intern, so you don’t need to pay any attention to me whatsoever,” she said brightly.

Raven looked over at her, raising an eyebrow.

Trixie gave her nothing other than an innocent grin.

“Wonderful!” exclaimed Windy Whistles, who proceeded to introduce Raven and Trixie to the ponies and griffon traveling with her. Trixie seemed especially interested in meeting Applejack, acting as if they had known each other for years, to Applejack’s confusion. (“I might know a Trixie, but I’m pretty sure it ain’t you.”)

Rainbow Dash had the persistent feeling that she was missing something important. She decided to stop worrying for now about the manipulative aide to Mayor Mare. Including such unimportant details as her name...

---

Raven.

From her position leading the group to the palace, Raven smirked. She was confident that she had finally figured out how to make her magic work on magic-less ponies.

---

H. Rainbow Dash.

Raven led the group onto a pony-driven carriage, which took them straight into the courtyard of the fairytale castle. Everyone was in awe at seeing the building up close; even Gilda failed to keep up her cool facade. Which was a nice contrast to how she had swept the streets with her eyes every five seconds before they reached the castle.

After being admitted by the guards, the group entered not the castle itself but a neighboring building called “Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns”, proceeded down some stairs and ended up in a stone-walled round basement. A side room was absolutely stuffed with all of the things that had once been stored here. The basement now contained low tables with breakfast pastries, coffee and juice, and far more seating cushions than seemed necessary. Sitting in three of those cushions were three unicorns.

“Hello, I am Twilight Sparkle, and this is not my fault,” the youngest of the trio greeted them, getting up to her hooves with a bit of uncertainty.

Rainbow Dash was going to say something snarky until she was contradicted by Twilight’s last part, and instead just laughed. “I admit, I was thinking it from the moment I landed in Equestria. Name’s Rainbow Dash, although I doubt you’ve heard of me in your egghead circle.”

“Eggs aren’t circular,” Twilight said with a smile.

Fluttershy walked over to the other two. “You must be her parents,” she said.

Introductions were exchanged.

“Hey, what are you?” Twilight asked, pushing through the others to confront Gilda. “I’m not as well-versed on my mythology as I should be.”

“Griffon,” Gilda said tersely. “Not a myth.”

Rainbow Dash meanwhile pushed through the crowd in the opposite direction, in order to approach the infamous magic mirror at the far end of the room.

“You can look,” Raven told them after somehow appearing right in front of Rainbow from the other end of the room, “but definitely don’t touch.”

“Tell them about the magic protocol,” prompted Twilight.

Raven had a brief “I was getting to that!” expression, before she finally spoke. “There is a very important protocol that you all need to follow—more for the ponies on the other side than for you, but you can never be too careful. Now let me outline the exact cause of your current situation...”

(I think by this point we don’t have to go over that again.)

“...Now by our current timeline,” Raven concluded, “I do not expect anything significant to happen until after lunch, which will be catered by the way. So feel free to eat the free food if you’d like and find a comfortable spot to sit until the Princess arrives—she’s busy running the morning court, which is one reason for the delay. The other is the timetable of the school on the other side of the portal. The whole process will probably take until sundown. Now are there any questions?”

Bow Hothoof, already sitting down, raised a hoof into the air like he was back in Flight School.

“Yes, Mr. Hothoof?”

“Miss Raven, I was wondering if some of us might be able to go off and visit the city. Do some shopping, maybe eat at Restaurant Row—not that your catered food isn’t good, but Cloudsdale pegasi like us don’t get to visit Canterlot every day you know—and get rooms for the night.”

“You all will be staying in the castle tonight,” Raven said. “The Princess believes that you all will have a lot to catch up on once you are re-united, and might find it awkward trying to have those conversations in places where you could be overheard.”

Gilda nodded in satisfaction. This could fix everything. “Makes sense.”

“I have no problem with you going,” Raven replied, “so long as you are back here by, let’s say 11:15. I would also prefer if at least one of the girls stays behind, just in case we end up getting started early.”

Rainbow Dash turned to Gilda, to ask if she wanted to see the city. Gilda quickly shook her head. Rainbow shrugged. “I guess I’ll stay.”

Applejack shook her head. She had been rather silent the entire time in Canterlot.

Fluttershy was conflicted. Being a city, Canterlot did not appear to have any unusual fauna, but there was the matter of a genuine fairytale castle to tour. But it didn’t look like Rainbow’s parents had any interest in that, and she didn’t want to go alone or with strangers, so... “I guess I’ll stay as well,” she announced quietly.

Windy and Bow looked over to Twilight Velvet and Night Light.

“Oh, we’d love to give you a tour,” Night Light said apologetically, “but I’m afraid we really must stay here with Twilight.”

Windy looked at Bow. “So I guess it’s just us? Rainbow, you won’t mind us leaving?”

“No, you’ll see me again before I leave,” Rainbow replied. “You go ahead and have fun. Buy something nice to give your Rainbow when she gets back.”

Windy nodded, and the two of them took the stairs out of the basement.

Five minutes later, Princess Celestia teleported into the basement, holding a small wooden crate aloft in her magic. “Greetings, My Little Ponies,” she said. “And visiting humans.”

Gilda and the ponies bowed. The humans after a pause did likewise.

“...And that’s the last time you’ll have to do that,” Celestia joked. “We have business to do, and too many formalities will just get in the way.”

Raven frowned in dissatisfaction.

“Are we missing anypony?”

“Windy Whistles and Bow Hothoof, Rainbow Dash’s parents, are out sightseeing. They promised they would be back in time for lunch,” Raven reported.

“Very well,” said Princess Celestia. “I trust that my assistant Raven has explained everything to you already. Now do any of you have any questions for me?”

“Is it really true that you raise and lower the sun?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Or do you just do it as a ruse to maintain your reign of terror?”

Gilda put a claw over her beak to keep from bursting out laughing.

Celestia gave a bemused look at an utterly shocked Raven. “It appears that my counterpart wasn’t lying when she told me about Americans,” she quipped. “Sadly, we don’t have the time for a proper demonstration.”

“Please don’t play hoofball with the celestial bodies,” Raven said in deadpan. “Again.”

“I was just kidding,” Rainbow admitted.

“Are there any other questions?”

“What’s in the box, your, um, Majesty?”

Celestia wordlessly lowered the box to the ground. Raven reached within and removed several nearly-identical hoof-bound notebooks. The front covers had elaborate designs on the edges involving the three breeds of pony and various random cutie marks. Pairs of books with the same color covers were bound together by twine. In all there were six pairs of books, and the covers matched the coat colors of Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and presumably the two other humans that those four hadn’t met (as ponies) yet.

“These are magical communication books,” Celestia explained, unwrapping the yellow pair of books with her magic and floating one of them over to Fluttershy. “Anything written in one book of the pair will appear in the other, and vice versa. This will allow you to communicate with your counterpart after today.”

“Oh thank you!” Fluttershy gently exclaimed. “I was going to ask if something like that was possible.” She examined her book, which indeed had “COMMUNICATION NOTEBOOK” written across the top of the cover. The center of the cover had two white ovals, each of which had her name written neatly inside. Combined with the text around it, it read “For FLUTTERSHY and FLUTTERSHY.”

Celestia passed out the other books, which were similarly personalized.

Twilight eagerly examined her book in detail. She noticed that there was a serial number stamped on the back cover that matched between her book and the other Twilight book, with the other books having numbers in series. The front cover was a full centimeter thick with the pages and back cover being made of ordinary paper and cardboard, leading Twilight to conclude that the book’s magic was embedded inside that cover. Opening the book, she noted that the inside cover was made up of another piece of paper glued over the wooden cover, and feeling that pasted sheet revealed two indentations containing some substance that her enhanced senses identified as magical. One of the two shapes was a tilted cross in shape, while the other was round. The first few pages of her book were pre-printed with a set of instructions—it appeared that you could do more than just write or draw on the pages. With the right supplementary spells you could slip small objects between the pages and have them transmitted to the matching book.

Twilight frowned at a sudden realization. “I was under the impression that Equestria was pre-industrial,” she said to the Princess. “How were you able to produce these books so quickly, and so uniformly?”

Celestia nodded approvingly at Twilight’s quick perception. “The books are standard issue for the School of Magic,” she explained. “My school has both undergraduate and graduate programs. The graduate programs require the students to travel the length and breadth of Equestria as part of their research—they need to publish a paper materially advancing the field of theoretical magic in order to graduate. However they still need to be in contact with their academic advisors, who will stay here in Canterlot.

“This necessitated a form of instantaneous communication between student and teacher. One of those teachers invented the spell behind the communication books nearly seventy-five years ago. Wishing to maintain her anonymity, the noble mare put the invention in the public domain, where it became quite useful for many more individuals than just student unicorns. She went under the alias of ‘Zero X’, and so the notebooks are also known as ‘Zero-X books’.”

“And the colors matching our coats?” Twilight asked.

“The spell to do that, along with the spell to print a cutie mark, are pretty standard among unicorns,” Celestia explained.

“So is that a ‘Zero-X book’ over there?” Rainbow asked, pointing at a much more elaborate book that was sitting upon a lectern.

“Yes,” Celestia replied tersely. “Although I’m not certain if it will even be used or not.”

“‘Noble mare’...” Raven remarked with a roll of her eyes. “Zero X is Celestia. The name is from the shapes of the two simple artifacts that power each book. She would have used ‘XO’ as her alias if I hadn’t explained to her what the letters are commonly used to represent.”

The Princess gave her a shocked look.

“What?” asked Raven. “If you insist on demeaning yourself, you have to accept everything that goes along with it.”

Author's Note:

Here are the notes for this chapter.

Comments

[Stet709]

Interesting that you made the communication journals something not unique to Sunset. Though I wonder if the one on the lectern is the one that's paired with Sunset's, given that Celestia isn't sure whether it will be used or not.