On the Fine Art of Giving Yourself Advice

by McPoodle

Chapter 17A: Seeing the Light, Part 1 (P. Trixie, P. Celestia)

P. Trixie—Equestria, a guest suite in the royal palace of Canterlot. Early morning of Day Two.

When Trixie woke up, she had to rub tears out of her eyes before she could see clearly. She stopped and thought carefully, recalling everything she could about the dream she had just had. She smiled slightly on realizing that they were tears of happiness, not sadness.

When she went into the bathroom to clean herself up, Trixie was glad to see that she had been put into an earth pony suite instead of a unicorn one. Slipping her hoof into the loop attached to a curry comb, she arranged her mane. For a moment, she arranged it so her useless horn was invisible, but as always, she eventually settled for leaving it visible. ...And then later obviated that decision by covering her horn with her magician hat.

Carefully, she went over the items strapped inside of her robe: a mouth-operated grabber, the pushbutton that activated the little light in the top of her hat, and a little rubber mouthpiece that made it possible for her to turn those infuriating round doorknobs. The final item, tucked into an insulated pocket of the robe, was a small steel thermos bottle; the lid had a flip-up straw attachment. That lid was a custom job, made using plans she supplied to a metallurgist in Ponyville. Ponyville was generally the best place to order these “horn-replacement” items. The ponies there didn’t look at her when she asked for them.

Once these were all in place, she went over to the suite’s desk, dipped a nearby feather pen in some ink while it was held in her mouth, and began to pen a letter.

# # #

Trixie headed straight for the royal kitchens, her eyes alert to any signs of her mother. Trixie’s mother was the palace’s head housekeeper, and as such could never be expected to be in any particular location in the building complex at any one time.

Trixie’s path through the open and secret corridors of the palace was fast and efficient—she had spent half of her life here, and was thoroughly familiar with its intricacies. Of course, this was the first time that she was walking through these halls alone as an honored guest of the Princess herself, instead of being an anonymous daughter of a servant, and she carried herself appropriately.

When she reached the swinging doors of the kitchen, she carefully positioned herself and knocked. Right on schedule, an earth pony with a stack of pancakes balanced on his back raced out of the doors, causing them to swing wildly.

The pony jerked his head around, seeing how close the door came to knocking Trixie off of her hooves. “Sorry, I didn’t see you!” his voice cried, rapidly fading as he kept running.

“You never do!” Trixie called back. She turned back towards the kitchen, and saw the head chef standing in the door: a tan unicorn with a gray mane. “Good morning, Chef Gallop,” she said with a curtsy.

“And good morning to you, Dame Trixie,” the chef said with a mischievous grin. “How long will it be until you’re the one bossing us around?”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie gives it another decade or so...” She said this while polishing one hoof, and then broke out laughing. “You nearly got me last night when you served the soup!”

“You needed to lighten up, I could tell.” He used his magic to levitate out a thermos bottle identical to the one Trixie carried with her, only this one had wisps of water vapor rising from its frosted surface.

Trixie hoofed over her other bottle in exchange, and soon had the cold one tucked into place inside her robe. “What flavor of milkshake did you make me this time?”

“Chocolate and peanut butter,” Chef Gallop replied. “It seemed like a special occasion.”

Trixie lightly bit her lip and looked away. “It...it might be. I’ve got to get something settled, first.”

“Care to tell me about it?” the Chef asked.

“...No,” Trixie said quietly, still looking away.

“Alright. Will you be coming in for breakfast?”

“No. I need to do this first.”

# # #

A few minutes later, Trixie bumped into her mother, an orange unicorn with a yellow and gold mane. She was dressed in a traditional maid’s uniform, with a crown-like trim of white lace around her forehead denoting her rank. Her name was Spectacle.

“Trixie!” Head Housekeeper Spectacle called out, hugging her daughter tight when she got close enough. She held her at hooves’ length. “How did the dinner go?”

Trixie said nothing for a moment, then put on a fake smile. “It went great!” she exclaimed. “The Princess really liked my ideas. She said we saw the world the same way.”

Spectacle’s own smile faltered for a moment. “That...makes sense, I suppose. Being ruler of all of Equestria, for so long...that would tend to...color your perceptions. Is there any word on Twilight Sparkle?”

Trixie shook her head. “She’s still recovering from the initial dose of painkillers. Doctor Teeter said that she had never seen a unicorn so sensitive to those drugs before. But she did say that Twilight should wake up later today.”

“Well you can tell her that I wish her the best, and to give her my congratulations on becoming Celestia’s personal student.”

Trixie said nothing. She regretted telling her mother what the Princess had said, considering what was likely to happen to poor Twilight.

“Speaking of the Princess, did she tell you what’s going to happen to you? Are you going to be punished for faking your magic school examination?” Spectacle reached out to lift Trixie’s head.

Trixie brushed away her mother’s anxious hoof. “I told you, Mother! She’s not mad, and I’m not going to be punished. As for what happens...” She looked off into the distance, at the spot where she imagined the Princess was just then raising the sun from. “I need to do something, and after that, I’ll tell you what happens.”

Spectacle wrung her hooves. “Is there any chance that she can do something about your—”

“No,” Trixie said coldly, looking away. “There was nothing she could do about my horn. But I never considered that a possibility anyway.”

“I thought that was why you cheated your way—”

“It was never a possibility!” Trixie screeched. And then she caught herself, pulling her mother into a hug. “I’m sorry!” she cried. “That’s not me, that’s not me...”

Trixie’s mother patiently stroked her mane, saying, “I know dear. I shouldn’t have pushed.”

Trixie pushed away once more. “No, you did nothing wrong. Look...something happened last night...in my dreams.”

Spectacle nervously bit her lip.

“I...I’ll tell you all about it. After I’m done with the Princess. I...I have to catch her, before she starts court for the day. I promise I’ll tell you everything I can.”

“Alright,” Spectacle said.

“Now go off and be the best servant the Princess ever had!” Trixie said over her shoulder. The sentence had the air of something repeated on a daily basis, her way of saying goodbye to her mother.

“And you continue to be the best daughter you can be!” Spectacle said in reply. She kept up her smile until Trixie had turned the corner, then hung her head and sighed. ‘When will you ever share your burdens with me, Little Angel?’ she asked herself.

# # #

Trixie had almost reached her destination, the royal dining room, when she saw an obviously drunk unicorn pacing back and forth in front of the doors, appearing to practice some sort of speech.

Trixie sighed. “Excuse me, Sir,” she said, in her “authoritative servant voice”. “I don’t think you should be here unaccompanied.”

“What was that?!” the unicorn stallion cried out in an abnormally loud voice. His eyes were bulging out of his head, and there was an erratic glow around his horn. Those weird eyes were darting around, looking for an adult source to her voice.

Trixie scurried around a corner, and bumped into the legs of a royal guard. She looked up, to see a familiar face. “Whinnyfield!” she whispered urgently.

“Relax,” the Guard Captain replied in a low voice. “I’ll handle the weirdo.” Turning the corner he enveloped the intruder in his magical field and lifted him up. “Sir, you’re going to need to come with me.”

“N...no!” The crazed unicorn replied. “I need to make her see the truth. Make them all see!” He shot out a magical beam of his own, which with some difficulty broke through the barrier and surrounded Whinnyfield’s head.

Whinnyfield let the intruder down. “Yes,” he said in a dull monotone. “You do need to let her see.”

Around the corner, Trixie made a strong effort to keep her knees from literally knocking. She opened up the flap of her robe, flipped the straw attachment up, and took a long fast pull from the thermos. The left side of her face twitched as a brain freeze set in.

“Princess Celestia!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, as she barreled straight into the attacker. Her attack caused him to lose his balance...for about three seconds.

Whinnyfield watched unblinking, awaiting orders.

“You lousy little...” the madpony cried as he stood back up. He sent out his mind-control beam to Trixie’s head. “Wait...what?” he cried out. “Why are you immune? Nopony’s immune!” He then turned his head, to see a furious Princess Celestia towering over him. She punched him in the face, knocking him out.

“Sorry, I couldn’t think of a snappy one-liner,” she said sheepishly to Trixie. She walked over to Whinnyfield and tried to snap him out of his trance, starting with addressing him verbally and including both physical force and a spell. “I’m afraid I haven’t encountered this particular mind-control spell before,” she said to Trixie. “I have no idea why there are so many of them.”

“Here, make him drink this,” Trixie said, holding out her thermos.

Celestia looked at her incredulously, then took the thermos in her magic and presented it to the mesmerized guard. “Drink this,” she ordered.

Whinnyfield remained immobile.

“I order you to drink this,” she said, using magic on her vocal chords to try and mimic the attacker’s voice.

Still nothing.

“I think it was a little higher than that. With a Germane accent,” Trixie commented.

Celestia tried again, and this time Whinnyfield took up the thermos in his field and started drinking.

“Faster,” said Trixie.

“Faster,” ordered Celestia.

Whinnyfield’s facial expression started jerking around, and then he collapsed to the floor. “Uhhh...” he moaned a few seconds later. “I feel like I just got run over by the Friendship Express...including all of the driver ponies.” Looking over at the legs of the Princess, he scrambled to his hooves. “Your Royal Highness!”

“Captain Whinnyfield,” Princess Celestia said sternly. “Where is your second? Guard patrols need to be two or more in number, precisely to handle situations like this one.”

The Captain bit his lip in embarrassment. “He’s using the little colt’s room...again.”

The Princess looked down on him in disappointment.

A few moments later, he was carting the intruder away, with a magic-blocking compound applied to his horn first.

“I bet you have to use that a lot,” Trixie said, pointing at the putty-like substance in a jar held in Celestia’s hoof.

“You have no idea,” Celestia said. She turned calmly and walked back into the dining room, putting the jar into an open cabinet next to the door. “So, did you want to see me?” she asked over her shoulder.

“What?” asked Trixie. “No! I just happened to walk this way. I was looking for my mother.”

“So you were going to deliver this letter to her instead of me? Curious, as you’re resigning from being my student, not hers.” She held aloft a folded piece of paper.

Trixie looked frantically inside her robe, to see that her letter was indeed missing. She hung her head, and then swiftly turned around. “Well, you’ve got it, so I’ll go.”

“I think not, Trixie,” Celestia said sternly. “I never accept a resignation without an exit interview. Come in, and close the door behind you.”

Trixie slumped even lower, then slowly did as she was told.

Celestia walked over to a large window looking out at Equestria and then turned, the sun at her back. “I have no idea why you’d want to stop training to be my aide,” she told Trixie. “Your act just now is precisely the sort of quick thinking I picked you out for. That...milkshake solution, for example.”

Trixie looked away, panic in her eyes. “I can’t be your aide,” she blurted out. “I...I’m crazy, and that milkshake proves it!”

Celestia raised an interested eyebrow.

“You’ve seen me carrying that thermos around with me everywhere, right?”

Celestia blinked. “Yes, I have. And you noticed that I noticed. Another admirable trait.”

“Stop praising me!” Trixie insisted, sitting down so she could pull at her mane with her forehooves. “I keep that thermos for exactly the reason you saw me use it for: as protection against mind control. I spend a significant portion of my life obsessing about being the victim of mind control. That’s not normal! I’m not...I’m not a...a sane...pony. Those scenarios I told you about...”

“A very prescient set of scenarios for one of your tender years,” Celestia said.

Trixie closed her eyes to stop seeing the wrong reactions from her princess. “Yes, but I have no business thinking like that! Ponies shouldn’t be obsessed with death, and conspiracies, and torture...” She opened her eyes. “I need therapy,” she told Celestia. “The voice that taught me those things, the other Trixie...she appears in my dreams, and yells at me. She’s been yelling at me since I was four.”

Celestia held out a wing, inviting Trixie to huddle under it.

Trixie did this very reluctantly.

“Perhaps you do need a therapist,” Celestia told her in a quiet voice. “Harmony knows how much I need my therapist.”

Trixie looked at her wide-eyed, blown away that the practically-perfect Princess of Ponies needed therapy.

“And maybe you should be telling this to your therapist. I’ll even let you use mine, if you can’t find anypony else you like.”

“Are you any good at therapy?” asked Trixie.

“I’ve had a little experience at dealing with crazy creatures,” said the Princess, leaning in. “Let me tell you a secret: all of the creatures in charge of this world are crazy, in different ways.”

Trixie looked at her incredulously, since of course she was including herself in that group. And then she made up her mind. “I want to tell you. You can be my therapist for now.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

Celestia picked up Trixie with a combination of her magic and her wings, and laid her down across a couple of cushions. She then sat down primly in front of her, pulled her flowing mane up into a bun, and produced a pair of glasses and a notebook and pen.

In Trixie’s eyes, she now looked a lot like Raven.

“Let me start by asking you this: what does this other you yell about? In your dreams.”

Trixie smiled a little at the ridiculous situation she was now in, before answering the question. “At first, she complained about the lousy life she was living, a totally made-up life in a made-up, messed-up world. And...she beat me up. Used me as a punching bag.” She waved her hooves at seeing Celestia’s sad-eyed expression. “It wasn’t as bad as it sounds! From the beginning, I knew I was in a dream, and that meant that the other Trixie couldn’t hurt me. It took me a few months, but eventually I found my courage, and fought back.

“We were in the realm of my imagination, and I was more imaginative than her, so I always won.” She sighed as she thought over her words. “I’m calling a part of my own personality ‘her’. That can’t be good.”

“Leave the diagnosis to me, Patient,” Celestia said in a smug voice, before winking at Trixie.

Trixie giggled. “All right. The most-infuriating part was that she thought that she was real, and I was imaginary. Said that there were no such things as unicorns, or pegasi, and that ‘horses don’t talk’.”

Celestia leaned forward, listening intently.

“It wasn’t...all bad. I...I had this awful ego. I pushed everypony away from me...so they couldn’t hurt me when they left, like Dad did...” Trixie’s eyes got a little misty. “I remember everypony around me telling me that I shouldn’t act like that, that I was only going to hurt myself. But it didn’t matter if it was my teachers, my friends...my Mom...I pushed them all away.

“And then she knocked some sense into me. She got through to me, because she was me. And...I saw where I was going...I saw myself growing up into an even worse version of Dad...and I turned away. I became a better pony, because of that evil voice inside my head. She has to be evil, right? Because she made up the world she lives in, and that world is so awful! They kill each other there for a bus fare, or to protect their delicate egos. I saw her becoming more and more like the others she described to me day by day, clinging onto her victimhood like it was a shield!” Trixie started panting with emotion as she became lost in her memories.

“And did you help her?” Celestia prodded.

“Yes, yes I did!” Trixie said, wiping the tears from her eyes. “I pulled her back from the brink, just like she did for me. I taught her to take responsibility for her actions, to live her life in the present instead of the past.

“Things...things got better after that. I had figured out the trick with the milkshakes, which I had been using to keep her from taking over my dreams. But I didn’t need to do that anymore. We didn’t fight all that much anymore, except to argue which of us was real.

“And then...last night, when I wanted to tell her about our conversation, she was at my knees, bawling and begging for my forgiveness. She said she found out from her religion that I was real. And now...I don’t know what to think.”

Celestia nodded to herself. “Trixie, that...brain freeze...technique of yours. It stops others from taking over your mind, yes?”

“Yes,” said Trixie, “I researched it in a book afterwards.”

“And that book...did it say what effect it had on insanity?”

Trixie started curling in on herself. “It said it only blocked mental spells.”

“So that would imply...”

Trixie jumped up. “Princess! This is not a path we can take together. I have spent a long time thinking about this, and there are only two roads: either I’m crazy, or I’ve stumbled across something so big, so secret, that you would have no choice but make me disappear, or wipe my brain.”

Celestia frowned. “That may be something that they do in the world of that other Trixie, but it’s not how I handle these things. I have already brought you into my confidence, shared with you plans that nopony other than Raven knows. Do you not think I would trust you with this as well?”

Trixie’s breath hitched, her eyes once more threatening to fill with tears. “P...Princess Celestia? Are...are...are humans...real?”

“Yes, Trixie, they are. The human Trixie is real, and you’re not crazy.”

Trixie let out an incoherent howl of relief, and buried her head into Celestia’s chest fur, crying uncontrollably.

Celestia sat there, gently stroking Trixie’s mane, for nearly a half hour.

When she was done, Trixie pulled away from Celestia. Her face was an absolute mess, but that was offset by a look of pure joy. “You don’t know how much this means to me, Princess. All my life I’ve thought myself broken because I thought she was a piece of me. I...realize now that she was a very miserable filly, even by human standards, and I’m happy I was able to help her. I...I might even say that I’m proud of what I did.”

“I certainly am proud of you,” Celestia said, putting a hoof on her withers as she used her magic to clean up Trixie’s tear-stained face. “You are what I saw in you yesterday morning: a shining example of Harmony, shining through even the most-difficult of circumstances.” She used a hoof to lift Trixie’s face to look at her. “You know, I need my advisors to be knowledgeable about all of the realms that Equestria has to deal with, and you’re already an expert on the most obscure of those realms, the alternate reality of Earth.”

“I...I guess I am, aren’t I?”

“There you go.”

There was an urgent knocking at the door. “Your Royal Highness, you are ten minutes late to court!”

Princess Celestia sighed. “I have to go to work. Are you going to be alright, Trixie?”

Trixie put on another pure smile of joy and relief. “I will now, Princess.”

“Very good,” the Princess said. “I have affairs of state for the rest of the day, including dinner, I’m afraid. But meet me at the hospital afterwards, and we’ll look in on Twilight together. And then later, I can’t guarantee when, I’ll tell you what I know about the humans.”

Trixie nodded her head rapidly. “I’ll see you then, Teacher!”

Celestia picked up Trixie’s resignation letter in her magic and prepared to tear it up. “Resignation rescinded, Student of Politics?” she asked.

“Resignation rescinded!”

---

P. Celestia—Canterlot Palace. Mid-afternoon of Day Two.

“Announcing Meridiem Tempest and Gnosi Augur, Professors of Magic at Your School for Gifted Unicorns!”

Princess Celestia nodded towards the herald, who allowed the two middle-aged unicorns to proceed. They stopped at a respectful distance from the throne and bowed.

“Greetings, Your Royal Highness,” they said in unison.

“Rise, my little ponies,” the Princess replied. “Now that the formalities are out of the way, how can I help you?”

“Well,” said Pr. Tempest, “this is regarding Twilight Sparkle, the unfortunate unicorn from the exams yesterday.” She looked at the Princess with the expectation that the busy monarch lived far too busy a life to keep track of a minor unicorn she only met once.

“I’m familiar with and am tracking her case.”

“Oh good!” Pr. Augur exclaimed. “Is there any way you can get us in contact with her parents? We would like to offer our services to assist in Twilight’s recovery, and they appear to be living in the hospital full-time right now.”

“What services do you intend to provide, Professor Augur?” the Princess asked.

“I’ve spent a considerable part of my free time dedicating myself to ways of teaching magic to unicorns with problems,” Pr. Augur explained. “From what we were able to learn about Miss Sparkle’s condition, she will need help catching up on her magic, and my wife and I would like to volunteer for that job. It’s our way of paying back what you did for me five years ago, to ensure that no other unicorn would ever find him- or herself on a Ponyville road, thinking they had no choice with their life better than trying to face down the Princess of Equestria.”

The Princess nodded in understanding, remembering her confrontation with the mind-controlling unicorn. “You would have to move away, though,” she warned. “Won’t that be bad for your career?”

“My career has never been very important to me,” Pr. Augur admitted. “I just want to be there for unicorns that need me.”

“And I just want to help my husband,” Pr. Tempest chimed in, looking lovingly at him.

“I should tell you,” the Princess said, lowering her voice slightly. “It is my intention to make Twilight my personal student of magic when she recovers. So it may be that I myself will be doing the job you are suggesting.”

“True,” said Pr. Augur. “But you are the Princess, with limited time to devote to remedial magic training. And in addition, your magical field is so much stronger, and therefore potentially more dangerous for the recovering filly. Even if it would only be for a few months, I’m still interested in offering my services.”

“Our services,” insisted Pr. Tempest.

“Very well,” the Princess said. “I will ensure that Twilight’s family hear of your offer. If they are interested, they will contact you. But do not try to approach them yourself. If you hear nothing in the next week, assume that they have some other means of dealing with the problem. Regardless, I appreciate the offer, and I will not forget it. You are dismissed.”

The two unicorns bowed, before turning and walking out of the throne room.