Asterix in Equestria

by 23LEvans

Chapter 3

Chapter 3
Asterix and Anticlimax were walking back to the village with dead strange chicken lizard creatures on their shoulders, “I say cousin, what do you think was with those statues?” Anticlimax asked, “well if we got transported by magic, then it’s safe to assume that these things petrified them” Asteris replied, “if not them then i don’t”, they arrived back at the village, crossing the wooden bridge while the others were setting up a banquet.

Cacofinix was still bound and gagged, this time with a fish, “i’ll make you gag up those words” Unhygenix shouted back at Fulliautomatix throat, “if your fish weren’t already doing that i would be” Fulliautomatix shouted back. “Fish, fish and more fish that’s all that starts arguments, it’s hardly cricket” Anticlimax said, “yoohoo Asterix” called out Obelix as he ran back through the gate, “what on earth is that?” Asterix asked, pointing to the seemingly, Lion scorpion hybrid with bat wings on Obelix’s back.

“Dogmatix found it, nothing like a wild boar but it might be just good” Obelix said, putting a set of helmets down, not roman helmets “goodness gracious where did you get those?” Anticlimax asked, the rest of the villagers came around and listened carefully “i got it from some strange new horses dressed in roman armor, they could talk, maybe their new” Obelix said excited, “straight from the horse's mouth if by the sounds of it” a villager commented, “straight into the horse's mouth you mean” his friend countered.

“Don’t get on your high horses Obelix we may have just got involved in something we shouldn’t have” Asterix said, “i quite agree” Getafix said, having overheard the conversation “you see anymore obelix don’t attack unless they attack first”, “but they did attack first” obelix pointed out, “uh-well then good work Obelix” Asterix said.

“Something smells fishy about this” Unhygenix said pointing to the helmet, “that would be you and your stores” Fulliautomatix said back, “that’s rubbish and you know it” Unhygenix retorted, “my stores are the best in gaul”, “Cod is what it is, if you were the best then you’d have a shoal in Lutitia”, the two were now having a good punch up.

Canterlot
Celestia and Luna paced in their throne room, when the door burst open and the element bearers including Spike ran in, “Princess’s we came as soon as we could” Twilight said, “i’m glad your all here follow me” Celestia said, the lot of them followed Celestia to the hospital for the royal guards, “why are we here?” Rainbow asked, “maybe someone needs help getting better” Fluttershy suggested.

“Not exactly it’s a little more grave than that,” Celestia said, as they arrived at a certain room, “Cadence!” Twilight exclaimed as she spotted her ol foalsitter and sister-in-law, “Twilight!” Cadence exclaimed happily seeing her as well. “Sunshine sunshine ladybugs awake, clap your hooves and do a little shake” they sang in unison.

“Twilight!” exclaimed her brother, Shining armor, Twilight’s face fell when he saw his front hoof in a cast and multiple bruises and grazes plagued his body, “oh faust what happened BBBFF” Twilight asked concerned, “this is why i called you here, they ran into creatures, new to equestria, and sent the royal guards flying, literally” Celestia explained concern very much audible in her voice. “If we were meant to fly I would've been born a pegasus” one of the earth pony guards commented, “there was a big fat creature, ape like that had us taking off” a unicorn commented, “Enuf wif tha puns you're giving me a headache” said another royal guard who was missing all his teeth.

“I swear he didn’t even give us a countdown” a second unicorn added, “good heavens how could one ape do such devastation” Rarity said, “really?” Applejack and Rainbow deadpanned, “there was more than one apparently” Cadence said, “they called themselves romans but they called the fat one a Gaul” Shining armor said. “And we want you to go and capture one for us to interrogate” Luna said, “yes princess” Twilight said, “be careful my little pony’s” Celestia said as the Mane 6 departed.

On the train sure enough
The mane 6 were on the train towards the east coast and looking at the map we’re discussing their plan, “okay so these creatures were seen in the forest south of Baltimare” Twilight said, “oh I do hope nobody was hurt” Fluttershy said, “we also may need to be careful the forest their actually has Manticores and Cockatrice in it” Spike said, “so like the everfree no sweet” Rainbow said.

“Applejack got your rope?” Twilight asked, Applejack showed her her rope with a smile, “Pinkis got your cannon?” Twilight asked the bouncing pinkie pie, Pinkie zipped away and zipped back holding her party cannon.

“And we have the elements as a final resort so we are ready” Twilight said with confidence in her voice, “there are camps of royal guards stationed outside the forest

Sure enough
The mane 6 strode right into the camp, it looked more like a small castle made out of crystals, the crystals were from the crystal empire and were good for making building off in a matter of hours.

The royal guards saluted and bowed in respect, but they met an unpleasant sight, prince Blueblood, the nephew of princess Celestia, going back to her distant relatives who weren’t alicorns and latest down the ages. “What are you doing here?” Twilight asked, “I'm personally inspecting the troops, not that I like being with the peasants,” Blueblood said.

“Now to business we should take a battalion and personally whip these creatures of the face of equestria” none of the mane 6 were particularly surprised about blueblood making this suggestion instead they all gave their considered opinion and they got nowhere.

Outside the camp
“Well this is clearly interesting” said the leader of a roman patrol, “crystal clear at that” another legionnaire said, “come on quit looking glass yourselves and return to camp and report this to centurion Oleginuis” , back at the roman camps Oleginuis was elected incharge considering that he was the most disciplined off all the four centurion, within 5 month he went from legionnaire to centurion after the previous centurion of Laudanum retired.

He was actually featured in asterix and the normans, and he was not afraid of the gauls no matter how much he was thumped, the others said that he had no sense, they might have been right. “Interesting” he said when he heard the news, “Decurion Thisisserious, ready a platoon and let us head for this camp and talk to the leader” he said to his second in command.

“Are you sure what about the gauls?” asked the centurion of the camp of compendium, “peace is raining at the moment so no cause for alarm from an attack from them” Oleginuis said. However the walls had ears, Getafix had been sneaking around the camp and being a druid had good ears so heard the lot, with him was cacofonix, the two had ran into each other in the forest and had decided to spy on the camp.

Cacofinix was originally going to practice his singing and Getafix had been collecting mistletoe in the forest among other ingredients for the magic potion, but when cacofonix had started singing, “SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP” Getafix had fummed bashing cacofinix with a branch per word to shut him up.

However they had spotted the patrol heading towards the camp from the pony camps and were now on their way hurriedly to the village, “i say that’s a interesting development” Vitalstatistix said, “what do we do now piggywig” Impedimenta asked, “simple we teach them to leave us alone” Vitalstatistix said, “huh pigs might fly” Impedimenta huffed, “i quite agree chief if the romans and the locals meet up then we will have double trouble” Getafix said.

“Oh come on let’s go get them it’ll be fun and we can all have a contest to see who will get the most helmets” Obelix begged eagerly, “why don’t we have a little bit of fun first” Asterix said as a plan formed, “now listen”.

Meanwhile back at the pony camps
Oleginius marched up with a cohort of legionnaires behind him the pony guards who must have been none to bright pointed their spears at them instead of raising the alarm, “terrible form i’ll have words with the formal about this” Oleginius thought, he and Decurion Thisisserious march briskly up to the gates, “Ave Unicorns” Oleginius said saluting, “i wish to speak with whoever is in charge” the two guards looked at each other than lowered their weapons, “follow us we’ll take you to blueblood and the princess”.

Blueblood and the Mane 7 were still arguing about what to do about the Romans and Gauls, “well best introduce myself” Oleginius said as he, Decurion Thisisserious and the whole cohort of roman Legionaries, took off their helmets and saluted. “Ave Blueblood and Princess” Oleginius said giving both Twilight, Blueblood and the mane 7 a start, “Et conventu nostro primo salutant vos”.

Blueblood squealed and hid behind one of the guards, “hey you can’t talk to us like that” Rainbow dash said getting right up in the Centurians face, “he said for our first meet i salute you” Thisisserious said, “oh well um pleasure” Rarity said speaking for the whole group. “As polite as you are, I'd appreciate talking to the Princess and Blueblood being the representations of this new country”.

“Well then we welcome you” twilight said sweetly, Blueblood cowardly came out from behind one of the nearby guards, “yes i welcome you creatures to equestria” he forced out looking slightly pale. “I am Centurion Oleginius of the roman camp of Laudanum and this is my second in command Decurion Thisisserious “ Oleaginous said.

“Princess twilight sparkles and these are my friends…” Twilight began but the Centurion interrupted, “no Civilians allowed in a military camp i’m afraid” he said “please remove them from the vascility and escort them home”. “Now listen here you we don’t abandon twilight just because you don’t approve...”, “if you are of high status then tell me now before i lose my temper by Neptune” Oleginius said going red in the face.

“Yes we are the elements of harmony” Twilight said, the legionnaires fell over laughing, “ohohohoho” they laughed, “is this a joke hahaha, talking about raising the moral of the troops” one legionnaire laughed, “dressed to kill to hahaha” another said, “oh no Thisisn’t Humourus, stop it right now” a third laughed, “ATTENTION” Thisisserious shouted all the troops stopped laughing and stood to attention.

“Anyway i am here on behalf of the four camps on Laudanum, Totorum, Compendium and Aquarium and representative of the might of rome and it’s ruler Julius caesar” Ocelginius continued “and…”, “oH fAREwEll anD AdiEU to YoU CElTic LaDies” a voice then warbled and rain began coming down intolerable, “FaREwelL and AdIEu To YOu LadIES of GuAL” “Help” the legionnaires shrieked, “i want my mommy!” “STOP IT WILL YOU!” one shouted into the forest as everyone dropped what they were doing and clamped their hands(and hooves) over their ears.

“WHAT IS THAT MONSTROSITY?” Blueblood yelled, “it’s awful” Pinkie pie agreed, “absolutely horrid” rarity added, “oh the poor animals” Fluttershy said having to think of what the animals in the forest had to go through “STOP IT RIGHT BUCKING NOW” Rainbow Dash shouted to the skies “IT’S ONE OF THE GAULS BY JUPITER” Oleginius shouted, “RAINBOW CLEAR THE SKIES”

Rainbow tried to clear the skies, she really did, but no matter how many clouds she cleared more filled in its place and the rain came down worse than before, but then the singing stopped and the rain followed, “hey it dried up” remarked Pinkie pie, “that means the bard has” Thisisserious said thankful, “the who?” Twilight asked, “the bard, sounds like he’s close to” a legionnaire said, “when we want your opinion we’ll ask” Oleginius said, the Legionnaire shut up and stood briskly to attention.

“That monster shall pay for this” Blueblood said, “go and capture that thing and report back” he ordered two royal guards, “well your gonna need our help then” Oleginius said, “i personally volunteer to stay with my legionnaire to help you face the gauls”, “well then we agree and thank you for being so negotiable” Twilight said, “Alea Iacta Est” said Decurion Thisisserious said, “the die is cast”.

Forest not far from the pony camp
Fluttershy and Applejack had volunteered to capture the bard Cacofonix, “i don’t see what the problem is” Applejack admitted, “you just all attack a village and capture them what’s the big deal with these vermin?”, “what’s the deal she asks?” a legionnaire said, “the deal is that every time we do we are sold short of victory” another one explained, “halt i can see him” the captain said they all got low so as not to be seen.

“Well he doesn't seem so bad” fluttershy said, “don’t be fooled we could be in an ll out beatdown at any moment” one legionnaire said, “Legionaire’s present parsley” the part leader said, they all got out parsley they had in their pouches, bringing them out in the great coordination belonging to the great roman legions, “in time place parsley in ears” they all except for Fluttershy and Aj, put the parsley in their ears.

“Oh you're all over reacting it’s just one stallion” Applejack said, “pardon?” the patrol leader asked, “i said your over reacting” Applejack repeated, “applejack maybe there's a reason for this” Fluttershy said, “Madam i am the commanding officer and you by default are civilians and as the commanding officer all health and safety regulations must be acknowledged by me” the patrol leader said, “SO STUFF YOUR EARS OR BECOME STUFF ANIMALS PICK” “you’ll be stuffed and hung if you don’t” a legionnaire added, “pardon?” his friend next to him asked.

“ALRIGHT MEN CHARGE” the roman patrol leader said as he and Applejack ran out of the bushes, “oh two fans how marvelous” Cacofinix said upon laying eyes on them, “two?” Applejack asked, looking around, “where are the others?” the patrol leader also looked around, “now what shall i sing for you two?”, “where is that cowardly lot they shall be thrown to the lions for this?” the roman patrol leader said, “lions? What lions?” Applejack exclaimed.

“I shall now sing you a song” Cacofinix proclaimed twanging his lire out of tune, “pardon?” the patrol leader said “FaREWelL anD ADieU tO You FaIr CeLTIc LadIEs'' Cacofinix warbled, “farEWeLl and aDIEu to YOU LADies of GaUL” “STOP! SHUT UP! MERCY! MERCY!” the patrol leader begged as he grabbed Cacofonix and bashed him on the head multiple times before he fell to the ground unconscious.

The Patrol leader panted in exhaustion while Applejack just stood there stunned by this, “uh i think i found the others'' she said, Fluttershy and a legionary poked their heads above the bush they were hiding in, the patrol leader tore them a new one “Well where were you by Juno, you cowardly lot, i should report your treason and insubordination for this and send you to rome to be with the lions in the circus maximus!!!” the Patrol leader said red in the face, “pardon?” the legionary asked, taking the parsley out of his ears.

Soon enough
“Mmmppphhh” Cacofinix mumbled as he was now bound and gagged and being carried by two legionnaires, “what did you say?” A legionnaire asked,cupping a hand behind his ear, “TAKE THAT PARSLEY OUT OF YOUR EARS” shouted his friend indignantly.

Meanwhile Asterix, Obelix and Dogmatix who had seen it all and were sniggering at this, it had all been a joke, they had even forgotten the gord of magic potion on Cacofinix’s belt in their rush, the ponies were twice as incompetant, “shall we-?” Obelix asked hopefully, swinging his fist above his head “no obelix remembers the plan, we cause trouble for them and they leave us alone and take us seriously. plus why should we spoil Cacofinix’s fun now” Asterix said.

Back at the pony camp
“So this is the gaul?” Twilight asked studying Cacofinix who no longer had the gag on 2 but was still chained up, “total wimp could beat him 2 seconds flat” Rainbow dash bragged, “if only i wasn't restraining myself” Cacofinix thought, “hii’mpinkypiethegreatestpartyplannerinallofequestriaandwecanhaveawelcometoequestriaparty” Pinky pie blurted non of which Cacofinix got, “pardon?” he asked, “we’ll he does have a fine taste of cloths and mane style” Rarity said, “finally someone who has good tastes” Cacofinix thought smiling, “if only his singing weren't so terrible” Cacofinix’s face dropped into a scowl, “throw this peasant in the dungeon” Blueblood ordered.

“Hang on i want to question-” Twilight began but their was a thud outside the camp, they all exited the camp and found that the Romans were using people of poor clothing and different cultures including espaniange, persians, Pheonicians, belgiums, goths and more all being whipped and were knowing hauling away a tree they had cut down.

“What are those?” Fluttershy asked, “Slaves off course” Oleginius said, “WHAT!” the ponies even Blueblood exclaimed, “but why Slavery is illegal in equestia” Twilight said “but we aren’t of equestia and we have the duristinction of Ceaser to have slaves from the lands we conquered in the name of rome” Oleginius said.

“Plus our legions are too busy readying for battle to do the hard labour” Thisisserious added, for someone with a tender heart like Cacofinix seeing the poor slaves whipped was too much, “stopped having those poor slaves whipped” he said defiantly, “release me and let me sing them a song to lighten them up”

“Oh yes yes please do” Pinkie pie said, “they need cheering up” Pinkie said as she released Cocofinix, Cacofinix smiled then began Playing up, “MAYbe bEcauSe I’m AMmoriCaN tHAT I lovE AmMoRICa so” “STOP STOP PLEASE” Begged a slave, “MERCY HELP US MERCY” another begged, “This is worst singing i heard” a Goth slave commented, “Pardon” asked a legionnaire with parsley still in his ears, “MOTHER BUCKER” Swore Rainbow covering her ears, “GOOD HEAVENS” Rarity added, “THIS IS NOT FUN” Pinkie pie added as the rain became to come down.

“Our work is not all fun and games” said the slave incharge, once Cacofinix had dried up along with the rain and everyone had calmed down “but this is just inhuman, please shut up the gaul, bring back the whips if you must but shut the gaul up and we promise to work our hardest”, “we don’t negotiate with slaves and peasants” Blueblood snapped, “no i agree take him away” Centurion Oleginius ordered “YOU VANDALS” Cacofinix yelled infuriated, as he was dragged away by two legionnaires and a unicorn to caste a muting spell “YOU VISIGOTHS, YOU BARBARIANS, THILASTIENS, BRUTES YOU WILL ALL END UP IN THE GALLERIES” “well already did” the slave incharge pointed out, “AND SERVE YOU RIGHT” Cacofinix yelled.

Meanwhile in a tree overlooking the camp, Obelix, Asterix and Anticlimax were laughing heartily at the Ponies reaction to Cacofinix singing, “i say they are even less coordinated than the romans ohohohoho” Anticlimax commented laughing in the traditional british custom, “you got that right” Obelix said out of breath nearly falling off his branch, “alright remember the plan” Asterix said calming his friends and relation down to watch even more.

After a little while Asterix thought it was time, “okay Obelix you and dogmatix stay here for backup while me and Anticlimax look around for clues to help us against our new enemy should the time come” Asterix told Obelix, “what that’s not fair” Obelix said, “oh don’t worry old chap you can demolish the base after where done say what?” Anticlimax told him.

The two jumped down from their perch inside the camp, they were spotted but by 2 pony guards however but they were not at all bright, “AVE romans” they saluted getting quite used to the respectful roman greeting, “howda do” Asterix said cheerly, “good day gentlemen” Anticlimax added, “yes good thanks” one of them said as they walked past.

Asterix then had a brain wave, “excuse me but do you happen to know which tent has all the information about this land?” Asterix asked, “just go to the library over there” one of the pony guards pointed to a large tent with bookshelves, “a Library!?” Anticlimax exclaimed, “just look for history of equestria old and new” the second pony added as they walked off.

“Oh well that was easy” Asterix said perplexed, “a Library! A Library in a military camp, well that’s not cricket, oh i ask you” Anticlimax muttered still flummoxed by the library, what was even more puzzling was that the pony guards let them in without question as they began looking for the book, then Asterix had a good idea of a joke “oh and i why don’t you go shut the gate while your at it, Centurians orders” Asterix said.

The pony guards saluted and ran off, Asterix and Anticlimax didn’t do a thing for a minute, then they began giggling then they began scoffing, then chortling and built up to a full on laugh at the foolery of the Pony guards.

Back with Cacofonix he had been bound and gagged in a prison cell next to the wall of the camp, “okay so can i ask some questions about your history with this gaul?” Twilight asked, “well you see Ceaser is our emperor of the roman empire and we have successfully conquered all the known world except this little village in ammorica that this gaul lives in '' Decurion Thisisserious started.

While they were Talking about the history of the world, Cacofinix waited and watched, it wasn’t until it came to the ‘indomitable gauls and how they have for years been holding out against the roman invaders’ bit that he saw Asterix and Anticlimax giving him the thumbs up behind a tent with a book under Anticlimax’s arm, it was the signal. “Mmmhhhppp” he tried to say, off course he was gagged, he tried again, yet again the pony’s didn’t hear him except for- “Hiimpinkiepiewouldyoulikeadrinkfromyourgordandthencanwebebestfriends?!” she said, Cacofinix only got the gord bit so nodded.

Pinkie pie undid the gord with a gaulish drink(a drink with lobster and mistletoe) took the gag off and allowed him to drink it, but a roman spotted this and ran at them making a grab for the gord, “NO DON’T” he yelled desperately but too late. Cacofinix burst out of his chains, “well that fills so much better” he said as he punched the cell door open with his bare fists.

The Pony’s stood mystified by this development, but Oleginius was not going to go down without a fight, “COHORTS INTO THREE LINES FORM” he shouted, “YES FORM YOU FILTHY GUARDS AS WELL” BLueblood added, “I WANT IN” Rainbow dash said hovering above the now formed cohorts with their shields pointed at the guard, the Mane 6 couldn’t help noticing that the romans were shaking in fear and pointed their pillums at him, “oh Obelix!” Cacofinix called, “CEASE THE GAUL SURROUND HIM!” Oleaginous shouted, “legions Maneuver” Decurion Thisisserious added but then Obelix ran straight through the closed gate and into the legions, “we can’t the gauls in the way” a legionnaire said reasonable.

“Charge by George” Anticlimax shouted, whirling his fist in the air, “attack by Belonous” Asterix added as he did the same, “Retreat by Mars” a panicked Legion shouted as he ran from a pursuing Dogmatix. The battle was short but sharp with legionnaire and pony guards flying everywhere and being used as Melee weapons, “please don’t kill me,sorry we took your bard” Blueblood begged to Asterix sobbing, the Mane 6 backing away from asterix “and let it teach your bard from kidnapping our bard” Asterix said lifting him up by his collar with one finger, “you thought that we wouldn’t miss him with his awful singing gone with him but you were wrong. A Gaul knows how to make his enemy respect him”.

And with that Asterix flung Blueblood onto the fence around the camp, the Mane 6 were lucky enough to avoid being hit(except for rainbow) and the camp was left in ruins, “i don’t believe it” Applejack finally said after staring at the devastation, “just a handful of them did this?” Spike said not believing it himself.

Oleaginous limped up to them, “So how was your first gaulish experience?” He asked, “I thought it was fun.” Pinkie pie said with a smile never leaving her face, “it’s official! your friend may still be on her feet but she’s off her head!” a bashed up Legionary, “let’s face it we were all off our heads when we joined” another said glumly, “join the army they said it’s a man’s life they said” a third grumbled, “they also said that we would be easy” a fourth commented, “and yet they had to put the settings up to hard” a fifth moaned, by they he meant the gauls.

“I’m setting my sights back to germany island the goths t’s to dangerous around these parts” a sixth added, “you lot were certainly on your high horses” This Serious said to a group of bashed up pony guards, “those gauls are trouble” the highest ranking soldier said, “ENOUGH” shouted Oleaginous slamming his helmet onto his head, “i want this camp back into tip top shape and then we shall head back to our camp and leave the pony’s until Celestia arrives SO GET MOVING YOU LAZY LOT!” he shouted, Twilight tried to object but decided against it to stay on good terms even if it was hard to watch the poor romans limp about on their broken spears.

Pinkie pie however had an absolutely brilliant plan, “oh oh what about a joke?” she asked Legions jumping about smiling, “What do you call a bear with no teeth?” “Thump up like us” a Legionnaire said ruining the joke completely, “must have ran into a gaul” another agreed, “it must have gotten very grizzly” a third added, “and it didn’t have the luxury of armor” a fourth pointed out, “it was ‘bear’ naked” a fourth quipped to his friend, “enough of the stupid puns it just to much for me too overbear” his friend exclaimed pulling at his hair.

Author's Note:

Okay that’s another chapter done as always like and leave comments

Comments

[efug25g]

LMAO!!! Ponies and romans get thrashed by the Gauls again. But for Rainbow Dash, I hope she doesn't break down that easily just because she lost.

[Alex80]

Updates ?????

[Alex80]

New chapters ????

[23LEvans]

11103176
It’s coming don’t worry might take a while, school is coming up and I’m doing my A levels

[Alex80]

11104016
will the romans have siege towers and rams or catapults in their fields ?????

[23LEvans]

11104020
they don’t appear often in the Asterix comics but I’ll see if I can put them in

[Alex80]

11104263
to the reason that in comics they are not often seen in fact I was referring to animated and non-animated asterix films. just to clarify

[23LEvans]

11104833
Thanks for clarifying and I will see if I can put the seige engines in

[Alex80]

I hope not to disturb you but I just wanted your opinion on these ideas: how do you see their druid meeting zzcora the zebra ????
and if you spike the dragon by chance drinking the magic poziome ?????
would you ever put pictures of the formations of the Roman legions ???
to be clear I don't want to tell you how to write your story, these are just suggestions or questions I asked myself while reading it

[23LEvans]

11111080
I’ll see about these ideas good suggestions, after my A levels

[Alex80]

A levels ?????

[23LEvans]

11111198
Exams

[Alex80]

11111450
or sorry for not understanding and good luck 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻