Berry Punch in the Big City

by bahatumay

Prologue

Prologue: Two years earlier.

Berry Punch stumbled down the streets.

What.... what happened to her?

She stumbled down an alley, drunk more with fear than alcohol, a massive headache pounding in her head.

Of course, the headache part wasn't all too singular an experience. What had happened before, though....

The last thing she remembered, she was drinking in the graveyard. When she had come to, it was dark, except for a pony, cloaked in a dark cloak....

Berry Punch shook her head at the redundancy in her own recollection, and then regretted it instantly as her head swam.

"I'm sorry," the stranger had said.

Sorry for what?

But for some reason, she had been afraid. And so she ran.

She slipped, possibly in a puddle, possibly because she was drunk. She fell against a broken fence, and her fall was halted by a broken, sharp, metal pole, sticking out at a very inconvenient angle.

It penetrated her ribs. She screamed in pain.

Pinchy.... What would happen to her?

Berry Punch knew she was dying. Poor Pinchy.... if only she would get a second chance, she would show her some more love, be a better mother, maybe loosen up a bit.... Ruby did know that Berry loved her, right? Right?

Berry sighed, and waited for the inevitible.

Which should have come a while ago.

Berry looked down. She was still very much alive, in a manner of speaking.

She did the logical thing: she stood up, and pulled herself off of the fence. It stung like no other, but luckily she still had some alcohol in her system. At least, she thought she did.

She looked down at her side. There were not even any scars. And the pain was.... fading?

Am I THAT hammered? Berry Punch briefly wondered.

She decided to walk home, because when things got this crazy, it was best to just sleep. She stepped outside, picked a random direction, and started walking.

Luck was on her side, apparently, because she quickly realized where she was. After a few minutes of walking, she headed up to her house and walked inside.

At least, that was the plan.

She couldn't cross the doorstep. She saw it, saw that it was open, but whenever she tried, it was like there was something blocking her. The door was open, she didn't feel drunk, but her hoof just wouldn't go in the doorway, like there was a glass pane there or something.

Berry Punch was very confused. She scanned the streets, not noticing how well she could see because of her confusion.

Suddenly, the cloaked figure was there again.

Berry screamed in fright, and backed against the door, trying to get inside.... but it felt as though the door was shut, even though it wasn't.

What had she been drinking? And why couldn't she think of another way to describe the door situation? (1)

The mare stepped back, and lifted one yellow hoof and lowered her head down to show submissiveness. "I'm so sorry," she repeated.

"Wh.... who are you?" Berry stammered.

"I'm a nopony. I'll be gone in five minutes. Point me towards the next town, and you'll probably never see me again."

"Who are you?" Berry repeated.

The mare laughed hollowly as she removed her hood, showing a yellow face with sky blue eyes that seemed like they were... missing something. Her dirty brown mane was unkempt at best, but it looked natural on her and fit her well. "I have used many names.... I think the one my mother gave me had something to do with Sunshine."

"How do you not know?"

The mare jumped that question. "I'm sorry...." she repeated.

"For what?"

"I almost killed you. You were so drunk, and I was so thirsty, I didn't even think you would mind. I didn't think anypony would miss you. It was so, so hard.... I wandered through the Everfree Forest, lost for weeks, but even for somepony like me, it's not a pleasant place. I was lost, and so thirsty...."

"Heh.... We both got that problem, sister," Berry Punch said.

Sunshine might have cracked a smile. "We do now, that's for sure. I didn't think anypony would notice if you mysteriously disappeared—you were drunk, you wandered into the Everfree, your body wasn't found until it was too late to tell what had happened to you, but when you started talking, you mentioned Pinchy. I asked more. She's your daughter, and you love her very much."

Berry's eyes narrowed at this stranger mentioning her daughter. "I don't know who you are, or what you're doing here...."

"Then please let me finish," the strange mare interrupted. "By then, I had taken so much blood, I was just so thirsty, animal blood just doesn't cut it (2), I couldn't help it. I couldn't let your filly be abandoned.... so I did the only thing I knew how to do to make sure you wouldn't die." She took a breath, as if confessing a major indiscretion. "I turned you."

"Turned me?" The thought, 'But I like stallions....' briefly flashed across the mare's mind.

"I'm so sorry. I know you didn't seek this out. I did. I wanted revenge.” She paused. “I don't know why I'm telling you this. You're never going to see me again.”

“Tell me anyway,” Berry said, interest thoroughly piqued.

Sunshine sighed, but relented. “My parents were murdered, abandoning me and leaving me alone. I... I couldn't let that happen to Pinchy. Look what that did to me.”

“You put on a dark cloak and became the poster pony for stalkers?” Berry asked cheekily.

Wait.

Berry's eyes widened in shock. Where had that retort come from? She hadn't had that snappy a comeback since... not since he had died and she had started drinking.

Sunshine might have cracked a smile at that, too, ignorant of the gears turning in Berry's head. “I wanted revenge. I became a vampony. I traded fifteen minutes of revenge for a lifetime of misery, fear, and thirst." She licked her lips. “And now I've done the same to you. I'm so, so sorry.”

Now thoroughly confused (and quickly losing what little patience she had left), Berry growled. "Why do you keep saying that?"

Sunshine looked up sadly. "You don't know? Can't you see how fast you ran back there? How well you can see in the dark? You retched as you passed the bakery—they are running a sale on garlic bread. I watched you stab yourself on accident—that would have killed any normal pony, but you landed on metal, not wood. You can't even get back inside your own house, because you need permission from a mortal pony who lives there to even come in."

"I am a mortal pony who lives there!"

"Not anymore." Sunshine stepped forward, blue eyes meeting purple. "Berry Punch...."

The purple eyes glared. "How do you know my name?"

Sunshine sighed and rolled her eyes. "You are a very blabby drunk."

"Oh. Right."

"Berry Punch.... Welcome to the herd of vamponies."

Comments

[bahatumay]

Author's notes:
1) Sorry, Berry; that one's the author's fault, not yours.
2) “Vegetarian” vampires are BS and you know it.

[Fuzzy Necromancer]

"She stumbled down an alley, drunk more with fear than alcohol, a massive headache pounding in her head."
This language gives me a problem early in. How can you be "drunk with fear"? I'll admit the metaphor could be used in some circumstances, but the description just sounds like she's very drunk and a little nervous.

Further comments:

She looked down at her side. There were not even any scars. And the pain was.... fading?
Am I THAT hammered? Berry Punch briefly wondered.
Not bad. Some sense of Berry's character and vampirism.

showing a yellow face with sky blue eyes that seemed like they were... missing something I like this. It's a nice ominous little detail that suggests the perceptual filters of vampirism and stimulates the imagination.

Regarding note 1, I think the "door that seemed closed even though it was open" is actually a clever and interesting way to describe the invitation prohibition. Her inability to enter her own house was also the point where I really got engaed by the store.

"Turned me?" The thought, 'But I like stallions....' briefly flashed across the mare's mind. That got a gigglesnort out of me.

[i"I'm so sorry. I know you didn't seek this out. I did. I wanted revenge. Why? Because my parents were murdered, abandoning me and leaving me alone. I couldn't let that happen to Pinchy, but at what cost
Oookay, this is technically character consistent, but the dialogue kind of fizzles out. I get the "distracted, emotionally-driven ramblings" feel your going for, but given how evasive and reticent Sunshine is, she shouldn't be airing this much personal information this soon. I'd either spread it out and work up to it, or rewrite this as a much more obscure and hinting passage.

Hmm. On the whole, I like the tone you're setting, a decent atmospheric chill and hints of twisted perception peppered with just enough humor. However, I feel the language needs polishing, especially some of the dialogue. There are veins of good story here, but I don't feel deep enough inside Berry's world, aware of the sensory contrasts between intoxication and vampirism. Sunshine is torn between helpful exposition figure and reticent mysterious sire, and a lot of her lines feel awkward because of it. You've got a good thing going here, and the alcohol/blood theme is one that should flow nicely.

One more thing, vampires that feed on animal blood rather than the blood of their own kind are a bit less wimpy and more abhorrent in a world where almost all animals are at least quasi-sapient and where the dominant species is herbivorous.