CRISIS: Equestria - Divergence, Book 3

by GanonFLCL

Chapter Eight: Relations

Pinkie had had to be very careful in how she went about finding where Pedigree's office was, which incidentally was on the floor just above the Shadows' school. She'd taken a few days to finagle her way around and to subtly inquire about it to the one pony she knew wouldn't snitch—Curaçao—just so that nopony would know what was going on.

Even Rainbow didn't know that she was here right now, but wouldn't be bothered by it anyway; she was out with Havoc watching a skyball game and wouldn't be back until later tonight.

Most of Pinkie's time had been used studying Pedigree and Velvet's schedules so that she could do this at a time when it was highly likely that the former would be alone in his office and that the latter wouldn't disturb him for long enough—or at all—that Pinkie could do her thing and get out before anypony else was any the wiser to her shenanigans.

This was a stealth mission, and so Pinkie dressed for the occasion in a tight-fitting sleeveless gi, bright purple in color and accessorized with a long red bandana that covered her mouth and nose and flowed behind her like a scarf. There were few more iconic ninjas than the one who could wear such bright colors and get away with it.

The outfit was one of her own, of course, not something anypony had given her. Where she got it, nopony else knew, but Pinkie knew and that was all that mattered. You don't need to know where she got it, so don't ask.

I am ninja; silent, deadly, and as swift as the wind, she thought as she skulked her way into the elevator from her and Rainbow's room.

She clung to the ceiling of the elevator as it passed up alongside the tower; nopony would see her unless they looked straight up, and why would they look straight up anyway? In fact, there was nopony in the elevator but her, at least not at the moment, so who would—

Then, the elevator stopped at the tower's gymnasium, and a couple of Shadow youngsters entered, two colts. She recognized them, of course, because she'd memorized the faces of all of Red's students in very little time; she just had to know more about the bunch of precocious youths, and it simply would not do to not memorize every last one of them.

One was Black Bolt, a unicorn with a jet black coat and a silver mane; the other was Silver Spots, another unicorn, though his mane was white and his coat was dark gray and covered with silver spots, hence the name. They were both chatting about something when they got in, and Pinkie got to hear a snippet as she rode with them to the next floor up.

Hmm hmm hmm, I have escaped their notice, for I am as delicate as a leaf on the breeze, invisible as a teardrop in the rain. I am ninja.

"—until Sunspire gets back," said Bolt. "He's gonna be so jealous. I can't wait to see the look on his face."

"Hee hee, yeah!" cheered Spots. "I didn't think Black Typhoon would answer your question, especially on air like that! That was so cool!"

"I had goosebumps when he was reading it!"

"So cool!"

"So cool!"

The elevator dinged seconds later for the Shadow facility's main floor, and the two colts started to step off the elevator.

Then, Pinkie slipped from her perch and landed on the floor of the elevator behind them.

They stared at her.

She stared at them.

Then, they just shrugged and went on their way without another word.

Pinkie scuttled back to her spot on the elevator's ceiling as the doors closed behind the colts. Hmm hmm, I strike fear into the hearts of ponies. Any who see me know that to acknowledge my presence is death, for I am ninja.

The elevator then dinged on Pedigree's floor, and Pinkie expertly slinked down to the floor and crawled her way towards Pedigree's office, inch by excruciating inch; none would see her approach until it was too late. There was no escaping from Pinkie at that moment; she saw all the angles and knew every avenue of exit that her target could take. No, he would not escape her. He could try, but he would fail.

She shimmied up alongside the door to his office, unnoticed, invisible to the naked eye. Time to strike. With a single motion, she slid open his door and leaped into the office, striking a fearsome pose, the darkness of the room clashing with the light behind her and creating a silhouette that meant only pain and despair—

"Hmm? Oh, hello Pinkie," Pedigree said, raising an eyebrow. "To what do I owe the pleasure? I didn't even hear you knock, my apologies."

Pinkie straightened up immediately and tugged the bandana down from her nose and mouth as she closed the door behind her. "Hello Pedigree! Hey, do you mind if we have a little chat? You have time, don't you?"

He checked the time on his watch, seeming to run some calculations in his head as he did so, then nodded. "Yes, I have some time if you want to have a conversation. I have a meeting with Miss Dawn in about an hour that I must prepare for, though, so if we can wrap things up before that I would appreciate it."

"Oh yeah yeah yeah, no biggie!"

She jumped over and into the swiveling office chair on the opposite side of his desk, taking a glance around the room as the chair spun in place. Everything was remarkably simple with hardly any decorations at all to note, not even so much as a potted plant, even a fake one! Most of his furniture was black with red trim, lending a slightly sinister vibe to everything that, if Pinkie didn't know better, would be just perfect for some sort of villain.

But then most of the tower was colored like that. Did the sisters not redecorate after Silvertongue left the tower to them? Weird.

"What did you want to talk about?" Pedigree asked, leaning back in his seat. "I'll admit that I don't know terribly much about you, but I'm still a bit surprised that you want to talk to me in the first place. I doubt that we have much in common."

"Well, we have one thing in common," Pinkie said with a firm nod. "Red Velvet. We both care a lot about her, don't we?"

Pedigree nodded back. "I suppose that's true. She and I have an excellent working relationship together, and I consider her a good friend."

"Mmhmm. A good friend, yup, sure," Pinkie said with a tight-lipped smile. She kicked her rear hooves up onto one of the chair's side rests. "Be honest with me, Pedigree: what are your intentions with her? Hmm?"

He raised an eyebrow. "My… intentions? What do you mean?"

"I've been watching you, y'know. And I've been watching Red. Like a hawk, mmhmm. A hawk with the eye of an eagle… or a hawk. Nothing escapes my sleuth sense, and I know that you know that you know that I know that there's more to you two than 'just friends'."

Pedigree tilted his head slightly, eyebrow still quirked. "I assume you are referring to our… ahem, private dalliances? Forgive me for asking, but you haven't been, ah… spying on us in that sense, have you? I doubt that she would mind but I certainly would."

"Huh? Oh!" Pinkie giggled and waved her hooves in front of her face. "No no no, I haven't watched you guys do anything like that, but I know that you do. Not only is Red not exactly subtle about it—and I don't just mean that she's loud—but she pretty much outright told me that you two are…" She bit her tongue and, in a deep voice, she said: "Intimate."

"Ah. Yes, well." He straightened his collar. "I don't think that is much of a secret these days. Velvet doesn't mind if other ponies on the staff know about our… intimacy, and nopony seems to have a problem with knowing about it either, least of all myself. Though I'll admit, I was a bit surprised at first that she was so open about it. Coworker fraternization is frowned upon in some businesses."

Pinkie tapped her chin. "Oh yeah, hey, I just realized that you guys are coworkers. I guess some ponies would consider that, like, a conflict of interest or something? Or that it could make things weird at work?" With a giggle, she added, "Some folks think my Dashie and her flightmate, Soarin', are like, perfect as a couple or something. Ha! Weirdos. Not in our universe."

"Forgive me if I sound blunt, Pinkie, but is there a point to this line of questioning?" he asked, steepling his hooves.

"Oh! Yeah, there is, I promise." Pinkie straightened herself upright in the chair. "You and Red are doing the horizontal tango pretty regularly, but I wanted to know if that's all there was between you guys."

"I don't understand. You mean, is there more to it than sex?"

"Yeah, exactly. Do you have feelings for Red?"

Pedigree blinked and settled back in his seat. "That's… a rather loaded question. On one hoof, of course I do, I consider her a friend. Yes, sex is involved, but that doesn't change that fact at all. On the other hoof…" He paused, then shook his head and sighed. "I would not want to ruin what we have. I think that should suffice?"

Pinkie shook her head right back. "If you don't want to tell me, I won't poke my nose in it any more, but I'm just looking out for her. And for you."

"For me?"

"Yup, for you." Pinkie sighed and leaned forward, steepling her own hooves and staring at him, dead serious. "I get the feeling that you really care about her and that she cares about you, but I don't think she knows how to show it the right way. I wanted to make sure that I was really seeing what I thought I saw so that you don't get hurt if she, y'know, doesn't quite see this the way you do."

Pedigree smirked slightly. "I believe you are referring to her multiple other partners?"

Pinkie tilted her head. "Well… yeah. I won't pretend I understand why Red does what she does; I know I'm not like that. I'm very, very, very happy with my Dashie and what we have going, and she's happy with me. Sure, we might do some window-shopping every now and then and we've even suggested having a little ménage à trois—"

"You… don't need to share all of that with me. It's really none of my business what you and your wife get up to in the bedroom."

"It's not for you, I'm sharing with the audience. It's called setting things up." Pinkie rolled her eyes. "Oh, you wouldn't get it. Anyway!"

"Pinkie, look, if you're concerned that I'm concerned about her sexual escapades, don't be. I don't mind it, so long as she's taking precautions." With a tilt of his head, he added, "By which I mean that she isn't being taken advantage of in ways that she wouldn't like."

"Because there are plenty of ways she does like being taken advantage of," Pinkie suggested with a grin.

"She pretty much said that verbatim when I had that conversation with her, yes," Pedigree replied, rolling his eyes. "It doesn't bother me that she has multiple partners. I've even helped her with choosing ideal ones in a particular circumstance."

Pinkie was confused, befuddled, and downright stupefied by that comment. "What?"

"She never told you about—" Pedigree paused, then sunk down in his seat. "I see. Well, I suppose that there's no sense in hiding it from you. Velvet would have told you sooner or later, I feel, and if you're anything like her you won't leave me alone until you get an answer."

Pinkie scoffed and crossed her hooves over her chest. "That's because she's like me, not the other way around, ya goof. Sheesh. Now, whatchu talkin' 'bout, Pedi?"

"There's no easy way to put this," Pedigree sighed. "Velvet cannot have foals of her own."

"Huh?"

"She is infertile. A condition brought upon by some… unforeseen side effects of her using her blood magic powers in ways that nopony could have predicted, namely as a means of birth control. That is what motivated her to adopt Caramel Rye, incidentally; he found out about her condition and in consoling her, convinced her to do so."

Pinkie leaned back in her seat and put her hoof over her heart. "You mean… Red really can't have foals? Ever?"

"It is my hope that that will not be the case in the future," he said, rapping his hoof on the side of his chair. "I've been working on a solution for some time now, but until such a time that the treatment is available, no, she cannot."

"When did she find out? How?"

"About five years ago, she made the decision that she wanted a foal of her own. Missus Curaçao and Missus Shroud were having a foal, and Velvet was convinced that Missus Skies—don't tell her I called her that—would be expecting soon as well. She came to me for help in… more ways than one."

"Uh… what?" Then, gears clicked. "Oh. Oh. She asked you to—

"She did. Not just me, actually; she found… amusement, I suppose, in the concept of a 'lottery' so to speak. She already had two candidates for her idea: myself and a pilot from Hope's Point, a… Captain Briarthorn, I believe? But she wanted more than two, so she asked me for help in reviewing the genetic and medical histories of her other frequent partners.

"As an expert geneticist the task was trivial, and I narrowed down her list to three other candidates. Their identities are unimportant to you, but suffice to say they had excellent potential as fathers to a foal, particularly with Velvet. Her genetic material—your genetic material—is pristine and well-suited for motherhood."

Pinkie's eyes widened and she couldn't help but look at her stomach, then back at Pedigree. "Are you coming on to me?"

"What?" he asked, eyes wide as well.

"What?"

"You just said—"

"No I didn't. You were saying? Something about Velvet?"

He blinked; she blinked back.

He shook his head. "Ahem, er… yes. Well. That was my professional opinion at any rate, and naturally I was honored to be considered as a candidate. Incidentally, I played no part in suggesting myself; she was convinced that I was ideal without me needing to advertise my own… well, pedigree."

"Ohhh, now your name makes sense," Pinkie said with a sagely nod. She paused, then her eyes went wide. "Wow. Wowee wow wow, she asked you to put a bun in her oven? Really? Just like that out of the blue?"

He chuckled. "It came as a surprise to me, certainly. Normally I would have refused the offer in order to avoid complications in our working relationship, but… well, to be honest, when she asked I agreed to it almost immediately. I can look back on it now and know why, but at the time I thought I was just drawn in by the prospect of sex with an attractive mare. Now, though, I know it's for a different reason."

"And what's that?"

"I wanted her." He sighed and looked at the ceiling. "It wasn't the sex that motivated me, it was having a foal with her. With her, specifically. I wanted her. It seems silly now to think otherwise."

Pinkie gave him a tight-lipped smile. "I can see it in your eyes. You really did, didn't you? You still do."

He sighed again. "Is it that obvious? Yes, I do. Nopony was more devastated by the news of her infertility than me, aside from Velvet herself. The three suitors I had recommended to her from here in the city, they offered condolences I'm sure, but I know that they were insincere, probably even relieved. Captain Briarthorn was sincere from what I heard of it, but it was for her sake and hers alone; I doubt that he would have minded if he had not been the father."

"Does she know? About what you wanted?"

He rapped his hoof on his chair again. "No. I never told her. My condolences were entirely for her sake, to address her own sorrow, not my own. I am glad that she managed to pull through the experience thanks to her son's efforts, but a part of me hoped that she would want to keep trying until it worked."

Pinkie raised an eyebrow. "But you two still have sex, right? I mean, duh, obviously. I figured that out like three chapters ago."

"Well, yes, certainly, but she's not concerned with the thought of foals anymore."

"And you still are."

"I suppose I am."

Pinkie shook her head. "You need to tell her, Pedigree."

"Tell her what? That despite five years of trying and failing that I wish that I could father a foal with her?" he scoffed.

"Uh, yeah? That's exactly what you should tell her. Well, maybe not verbatim. Be more romantic about it." Pinkie placed her hooves together and looked at the ceiling. "'Oh, my sweet Velvet, I wish that I could make beautiful foals with you'. Or something like that."

"I… will think of a better way to put it…"

She smiled. "I sure hope so! Because I've got an idea, and I want you to be in on it."

He raised an eyebrow. "An idea? What kind of idea?"

Pinkie's smile grew to a tremendous size, truly tremendous. "Oh, you'll see. And you won't have to wait too long, either, I promise."

*****

It was roughly noon and Havoc was seated at her desk in her room, staring at the screen of her computer station. The conference call program was open, one window displaying her own face while another displayed, at the moment anyway, nothing at all.

She rapped her hoof against the edge of her desk briefly, leaning back and letting out a frustrated breath. She knew that she'd agreed to do this, but she still didn't really want to. This just wasn't what she wanted out of life anymore; she was done with that phase and was ready to move on.

With a sigh, she tapped a few keys to start up the call, and seconds later, Admiral Jetstream answered, his face taking up the other window on the screen. Like Havoc he was currently dressed fairly casually, though for him that meant not wearing a military uniform. This was an informal call, after all, so he didn't need to put on airs; she was glad that he didn't try to, because that meant that he respected the situation.

"Havoc, good to see you," Jetstream said with a little grin. "Thanks again for agreeing to this. I know it's not really your business anymore—"

"Save it, Jet," Havoc replied, rolling her eyes. "I'd be a real piece of shit not to help a friend out when they need it, and I still consider you a friend even if we won't be working together anymore."

"Well, thank you anyway then, for taking the time out of your day to deal with me and my bullshit. How are things on your end? The implant isn't bothering you or anything is it?"

Havoc absently let her hoof press on her face just under her artificial eye. "Nah, it's cool. It finally stopped itching the other day. How 'bout you? How're the perks of being the pony in charge now?"

"Stressful," Jetstream admitted, letting out a breath and leaning back in his seat. "But somepony's gotta do the work, and I'm the best pony for the job. Apparently, anyway. Miss Curaçao seemed to think so."

"Well, she knows what she's doing, so I trust that she picked the right pony for the position." With a little smirk, she asked, "So now that you took your dad's job are you finally gonna tell your mom you wanna replace him in the bedroom too?"

Jetstream groaned and slapped his hoof on the table. "For the thousandth time, that was just a dream brought on by some bad psychedelics. Why do you keep bringing it up? Is this a sick fantasy to you or something?"

"Heh, bullshit. You and I were both on the same psychedelics that night and I didn't have a bad trip that ended up with me dreaming about getting dicked by my dad. Mine was pretty tame: what would it be like if I were a dude. Not my fault the only issue I've got is my weird-ass gender issues."

"Doesn't explain why you feel the need to keep bringing it up."

"I'm just looking out for ya, makin' sure you're coming to terms with wanting to be a literal motherfucker, motherfucker."

"Ohhh, are you a psychiatrist all of a sudden? Should I lay back on a couch and let you try to analyze this supposed Oedipal complex that you think I have? Which I don't?"

"I'm just sayin', pal, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and sometimes it's a fantasy about barebacking your mom. I understand completely, by the way; your mom is kinda hot." Havoc smiled and shrugged. "But we're not here to talk about your mommy kink."

"No, we're not." Jetstream shook his head and grumbled something under his breath, then leaned forward in his chair, turning his normal charming smile back on. "So, I'm sorry to hear that you're leaving the NPAF. You're a damn good soldier, Havoc, and we're lesser without you. I mean that sincerely; I need all the help I can get, and having you around would put my mind at ease."

Havoc smiled back. "Thanks, Jet. Sorry I have to do this to you—"

"No no, no need to apologize. Miss Curaçao told me the whole story. I think some congratulations are in order, yes? I never in my wildest dreams pictured you getting married to anypony, retiring, sitting on your ass behind a desk or something. It doesn't sound like your speed."

"Ohh, so you're dreaming about me now? Does your mom know? Should I be worried?"

Jetstream groaned and put his head in his hooves. "You know what I meant."

She snickered. "Yeah yeah, I know. Just had to get one more jab in there, you know me; can't leave a fight unfinished. But hey, sorry that I'm leaving you high and dry like this right when things are getting rough. I just can't take it anymore. All the bullshit, all the disrespect, I'm so done with all of that."

"I understand completely. I'm not a big fan of how things have gone down either." Jetstream steepled his hooves under his chin. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, shoot."

"What are your thoughts on the whole deal? With your sister forcing my dad to retire and all that, I mean. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be in the position I'm in, but it's years ahead of schedule; Dad wasn't planning on retiring for a while."

Havoc drummed her hoof on the edge of her desk, eyes closed in thought. She'd considered this for a long time, ever since she found out the news in fact. "I was mad at first. Your dad's always been chill with me, and I think he got a fucking shit deal out of all of this. We both know the only reason things went the way they did is because Dawn was just trying to keep a hoof up on Her Majesty.

"But then, that's the kicker, isn't it? After what happened, Queen Blackburn wouldn't have just let everypony carry on like nothing happened. You and I both know that she'd have demanded your dad's resignation before she even looked at a peace treaty. Hell, she might've been mad enough to demand something harsher be done about it; let me tell you, she was pissed."

"I can imagine, yeah," Jetstream grumbled, running a hoof through his mane. "It's taken so much to get her to let go of her grudge against us, I'd hate to see her completely reverse course like that. Those sick fucks were after her kids. Whatever they had planned for 'em, I'm glad we don't know about it."

Through clenched teeth, she said, "I know. Makes me wanna burn them all again. Slower this time… really slow…" She pounded her hoof on the desk, leaving a small scorch mark in the finish. "Like a fucking barbeque!"

Jetstream gave Havoc a hard look. "So, you agree with the decision?"

Havoc sighed and nodded. "It kills me to say it, but yeah, Dawn was right to get a jump on that. Her Majesty was impressed with the initiative, so I think it makes Dawn look good in the end. Though I don't think Dawn was thinking of that when she made the call. She just wanted to find somepony to blame and take out her frustration on."

Jetstream slowly nodded. "That makes sense. I still don't like it, but it was probably the right decision. Thanks. For being honest with me."

"Hey, it's what I do."

"At the very least, I think that I've made it clear to the Shadow Associate that I don't plan on being her lapdog going forward. I will find those responsible for this, and I will make sure that they receive the punishment they deserve. For Her Majesty's sake, for my dad's, and for you. This insurgency will not be allowed to fester, not on my watch."

Havoc gave a little salute. "Well hey, best of luck to you. If you need any help, I'm stuck in this shithole for another couple of weeks, so just hit me up if you need me to lend a hoof. Roasting traitors sounds like fun. Or, y'know, if you need somepony to talk to about your mommy issues."

Jetstream just rolled his eyes, leaving Havoc to chuckle and point and get her kicks some more.

*****

"So what's this all about?" Velvet asked as Pinkie led her along; she was blindfolded and couldn't see a thing—she wasn't a stranger to the sensation, though there was usually a stallion behind or above her, or both!—so her curiosity was peaked. Piqued? Peeked? Her curiosity was high. "Where are you taking me?"

"You'll see, Red, just be patient," Pinkie giggled. "Trust me, you're gonna love it! I worked really hard to put this together for you."

"Ooh, you're getting me all excited, Pink, and not in a tingly sexy way, but in a giggly bouncy way. Is it some of your homemade cupcakes? Ohhh, did you make a big cake? I'm picturing a really tall cake, chocolate, triple layer, with… strawberries. And a stripper inside it. Is there a stripper in your cake?"

"I'm saving that for your birthday, Red, take it easy." A pause. "Say, when is your birthday, anyway? I can't believe that I've never asked!"

"Same as yours."

"Ah, okay, that makes things easier. I was worried you had the same birthday as your sisters considering how you all were, well, 'born' on the same day and stuff. Does that mean Rarity and Insipid have the same birthday? Or Dashie and Gray?"

"Yup!"

"Cool, cool cool cool, that makes things super easy to plan for later, and now I don't need to ask! Thanks, Red!"

"Are you really gonna get me a stripper in a cake for my birthday?"

"Oh absolutely. I've done it for Dashie before, more than once. Only, y'know, I was the stripper in the cake." Pinkie patted Velvet's shoulder. "Don't worry, I won't be your stripper though. I know which way your barn doors swing."

"Isn't it just 'barn door'? Singular?"

"This is you we're talking about."

"Ooh, was that a burn? 'Cause you're not wrong."

Velvet felt Pinkie take her into the tower's elevator, which she only knew because she recognized the way the floor felt under her hooves, and then of course the familiar sound of the doors opening and closing and the beeps the buttons made when they were pressed.

Velvet tried to figure out which floor they were going to, but she couldn't tell; the elevator was pretty quiet as it moved down floors—she could at least tell they were going down—so there weren't any tells as they went from floor to floor.

Then the elevator dinged and the doors hissed open, and Pinkie led her out and into the room beyond, one step, two steps, ten steps, stop. Pinkie then removed the blindfold, and Velvet found herself… in the common room of the Shadow facility? Only it was empty, and at this time of day? Just her and Pinkie, nopony else, not even a single colt or filly working on homework.

Velvet raised an eyebrow and turned to Pinkie. "Uh, what gives—"

Then, all at once, the room filled with noise as colts and fillies popped out of hiding places behind and beneath tables and chairs, all of them yelling "Surprise!" as they did. A big banner dropped down over the television screen in the classroom area, reading "We Love You Miss Velvet!!!" and decorated with hearts made out of glitter and glue. And there was confetti everywhere.

Velvet didn't jump in surprise or anything—it was hard wired into her system to always expect a surprise party even when she wasn't consciously aware of it—but she sure as hell was surprised. "What's all this? What's going on?"

"I got everypony together for a little surprise party, duh," Pinkie said, wrapping a hoof around Velvet's shoulder.

"Why?"

"Because you've been depressed, silly! And I figured out why: you think you messed up bad and that you don't deserve to be happy after what happened to lil' Caramel and stuff. Well, sister, that's a big ol' load of baloney! Everypony deserves to be happy, especially you!" Pinkie tightened her side-hug. "You've been nothing but a good influence on so many ponies. One 'mistake' doesn't change that, no sirree."

Velvet frowned. "Pinkie, you didn't need to—"

"Nope, I didn't need to do this at all. But I wanted to, like you did for me when I was feelin' blue." Pinkie gestured towards all the kids. "And they did too when I told them that you were feeling sad and needed a lil' ol' pick-me-up. They jumped at the chance to do this!" She waved some of them over. "C'mon, kids, tell Miss Velvet what you told me."

Black Bolt and Silver Spots came up first, both wearing the brightest smiles you ever did see. "You're the best teacher ever, Miss Velvet," said Bolt. "You're nicer than anypony I've ever met."

"Yeah! You're super nice!" Spots agreed. "And you've been really cool about me and Bolt wanting to be pro wrestlers when we grow up."

"Yeah!" Bolt said with a flex. "We're gonna be the bestest tag team in the whole sport! And we're gonna tell 'em we got into it 'cause our teacher was always there to help us when we needed it."

Spots nodded rapidly. "I don't think we'd have been able to figure out how to get all those pay-per-views without your help. And you're always there to help us when we're practicing, even if it's just to make sure we don't get hurt when we're trying out all the moves and stuff."

"And you kiss our booboos when we do get hurt. Like when I landed wrong on that moonsault."

"Yeah!"

Razzle Dazzle grumbled and pushed her way into the middle of the two colts. "Stop hogging Miss Velvet! We all want a turn!"

The two colts looked at her sheepishly. "Sorry, Razzle," said Bolt.

"Thanks Miss Velvet!" said Spots.

As the two colts moved off to the side, Razzle stepped forward with the members of her little clique: Plum Crisp, Souvenir, Sweet Lullaby, and Chroma Key. They all looked so cute in their little matching dresses and perfectly-applied make-up and accessories; they'd learned a lot from Insipid on how to look their best.

"Miss Velvet! You're the nicest pony ever!" Razzle said with a big smile.

"You're always there for us when we have a question or when we need help," said Plum. "Even when you don't know the answer you always find somepony who does. You even helped me on my art project last month, and made me laugh when you got paint all over your butt."

"And you helped me when I was still having trouble with numbers," said Souvenir with a big, confident nod. "Now I get good grades on all my math tests, yep yep. I'm at the top of my class, right behind Sunspire."

"I really like your cooking classes," said Lullaby, scuffing her hoof on the floor. "You taught me how to make strawberry shortcake because I wanted to give Miss Insipid a birthday cake that I made all by myself, and she loved it. She loved it! I couldn't have done that without you."

Chroma—who was able to change her coat and mane colors at will and currently had them exactly matching Velvet's—clapped her hooves together. "And I helped with the frosting!"

The fashion clique moved on after giving their little spiels, and the rest of the Shadows all followed suit, from the little group of friends that were trying to make a jazz band of all things and needed instruments that Velvet had procured for them, to the skyball team that Havoc had formed with Red's permission and blessing. Even the students not in any cliques or teams loved her for supporting them with their individual passions and interests no matter how weird or niche they were. Even Honey Heart, whose dream was being a beekeeper.

Each of them told Velvet just how much she meant to them for all of the little things that she did every single day just to make them feel loved and appreciated, and they told her how they wanted her to feel that she was loved and appreciated by all of them in turn.

The last of the Shadows to approach were, to Velvet's surprise, Caramel and Marée; Caramel had finished his physical therapy only yesterday, so Marée was helping him to make sure he was still walking correctly and upright.

"Miss Velvet, you've always been so nice to me," Marée said with a small smile. "Not just for helping me with my dancing, or for being there for me when I was feeling sick or got hurt, but… always. You… you saved my life when those mean ponies wanted to hurt me and Caramel, and I don't care that it was scary. I don't blame you for what happened."

"Me neither, Mom," Caramel said after taking a short breath. "You're my mom, and I love you more than anything in the whole world. I don't like seeing you sad, and I know you're sad because I got hurt, but… I'm getting better now. I'm going to keep getting better, Mom, and I want you to start feeling better too, because I love you and I want you to be happy."

Velvet stepped forward and wrapped her little colt up in a big hug; she was fighting back tears and doing a lousy job at it. "Oh, Caramel… I'm so sorry for what happened. I never wanted to see you get hurt. I never wanted to hurt anypony. I just wanted you to have fun and be happy, and—"

"I know, Mom," he said, returning the hug. "It wasn't your fault. Please don't blame yourself anymore? I don't like seeing you cry."

She laughed slightly and wiped her eyes as best as she could without breaking the hug. "I'm just so, so sorry that everything went wrong. I love you, Caramel. I would never be able to forgive myself if anything happened to you. I'm so happy that you're my son, so happy that you're okay…"

"It's gonna be alright, Mom. I'm gonna be okay."

She squeezed him just a little tighter, then kissed his forehead and set him back down.

She looked at all of the Shadows who had gathered here, all the little colts and fillies and their smiling faces, and she felt a wave of… joy just sweep through her. "You're all so sweet, kids. I… thank you, all of you. This means a lot to me."

"They certainly are a special bunch, aren't they?" said Pedigree from behind her.

She turned and gave him a little smile. "Pedi, hey. Did you help Pinkie out with all this? 'Cause you've outdone yourself, mister."

"I didn't have to do much, and neither did Pinkie." Pedigree stepped alongside her and gestured out towards the kids. "The students all agreed to it immediately. They knew what they wanted to say before we were even done asking if they wanted to help us throw a little party for you. They're sweet, caring kids with big hearts. And they definitely didn't learn that from me."

"Pedi…"

"No, it's true." He took her hoof in his gently. "When we first met, I was focused on results and nothing more. These wonderful young ponies meant nothing more to me than numbers and potential. It took you to show me the error of my ways, to convince me to give them the lives that they deserved to have. Lives that they would have never had without you."

Velvet patted his hoof sweetly. "Pedi, you're not a bad pony. You just needed a little helping hoof to shake yourself outta that bad place you were in."

"And it was you who did that. You were a friend to me when I'd never known friendship, you were a warm, kind heart when my heart was cold and hard. I look at what my life is like today and… I can't imagine what it would be like without you in it. You made me want to be a better stallion. You still do, every single day."

Velvet felt her face get hot; nopony had ever talked to her like that before and it was making her entire body react. Her knees were shaking; her heart was beating faster than it had any right to be; her stomach was doing flips; her breath was catching in her throat; her nethers… well, she kept those sensations in check since there were kids around.

"Oh geez, Pedi, wh-what are you saying?" she giggled, brushing her mane out of her face and biting her lip.

He stepped forward and squeezed her hoof tightly; his nostrils flared slightly, and she could just feel the pleasant baritone in his voice as it shook the very foundations of her mind. "I think that you know exactly what I'm saying."

She did. It was the hottest thing anypony had ever said to her or to anypony else in the history of ever.

Velvet's eyes watered, and she had to bring her other hoof up to wipe them; she'd never dreamed that anypony would ever say anything like this to her. Not to her, not ever. "Y-yeah, I, uh… I think I do. Wow. Wowee wow wow. Holy guacamole, that's a, uh… wow. Wow." She put her hoof up to his cheek. "You really know how to make a mare feel special."

She then shook her head and looked around at all the smiling face of little colts and fillies who said that she'd made their lives better, at her darling son holding hooves with his best friend Mareé, at the banner and all the confetti all over the floor. All of this… for her.

She then looked at Pinkie for the first time in what felt like forever; the other mare was just standing there, leaning against the nearest wall looking cooler than the other side of the pillow, a confident, cocksure grin on her face that did nothing to hide the sheer warmth and tenderness in her eyes. Velvet could tell that Pinkie was probably killing herself right now to keep all of that joy and excitement contained; her body couldn't handle love of that magnitude.

"Pinkie… thank you. For all of this," Velvet said with the most sincere, heartfelt smile that had ever been smiled and the most bone-crushing hug that had ever been hugged.

"It was no biggie," Pinkie said; Velvet was certain that she saw some liquid joy literally leaking out of her ears. "After all, it was the least I could do for you, the Bestest Best Long-Lost-Sister-From-Another-World-Who's-Actually-A-Clone in the whole wide everything. Now!" She broke out of the hug and clapped her hooves together. "If we don't get this party started for real, I'm literally going to explode. So let's party!"

*****

Rainbow had done many things in her life that she considered outside of her comfort zone, but she'd done them anyway because it would make her friends happy and it's not like they hurt or anything.

The top of her list was still and would always be having to get gussied up in a dress and make-up and then flirting with—ugh—Zephyr Breeze to distract him. She knew she had her fair share of male admirers, but they typically dropped it once she told them that she didn't swing that way. That dude couldn't take a hint, like he could convince her that she wasn't really gay if only she gave him a shot. And to think he was somehow related to Fluttershy.

Today wasn't quite that bad. In fact it was kind of tame in the grand scheme of things, but she still felt out of place and a little awkward doing it. But Havoc was busy with business today and Pinkie had some big surprise planned for Velvet that was really none of Rainbow's business, so she had to do something rather than just hang around the tower like a mooch.

So no, Curaçao's lunch invitation didn't seem like a bad idea.

She didn't like that she'd had to dress up a bit, though, but had been able to convince Curaçao to let her wear her Wonderbolts uniform—yes, this was considered an emergency—to which the other mare agreed. Apparently a "military" uniform was appropriate attire for a fancy lunch party, or at least enough that nopony would be upset. Curaçao knew a lot about this stuff apparently.

Rainbow sat next to Curaçao's wife Shroud around the mid-sized round table that could comfortably fit six. Shroud was a mare with a pink coat and a red mane, somewhat plain but not unattractive, who wore a thick pair of horn-rimmed glasses and a green lace dress. Rainbow had to give this mare some props, because in her opinion, a bombshell like Curaçao was way out of her league.

Shroud sat next to Curaçao, naturally— no, that wasn't accurate, because they'd set up another chair in between them specifically for their daughter, Jellybean. This was the first time Rainbow had actually met the little filly, and there was something odd about her that Rainbow couldn't quite put her hoof on. She intended to ask about it during lunch; it was a perfectly legitimate, reasonable thing to ask, she figured.

So anyway, that meant Curaçao was next, and the mare had groomed and dressed herself to the nines; that black dress was—and Rainbow never thought she'd ever use this word—lovely. The mare wouldn't just fit in at a fancy gala, she'd dominate a fancy gala. It seemed almost a little much for a little lunch get-together, but then Curaçao seemed like the sort to go all-in on things like that.

Probably something she inherited from Applejack, ironic as that was.

Lastly, on Rainbow's other side, was Insipid. She was, like Curaçao, dressed to impress in a shiny, purple lace gown that wouldn't look out of place at the sorts of dinner parties that Rainbow didn't get invited to until she became a Wonderbolt. She accessorized it with a matching sun hat despite there not being any freaking sun up here, but hey, fashion is fashion and sometimes it doesn't make sense, it just looks good.

And boy, did she look good.

Rainbow hadn't seen Insipid in person since she and Pinkie had arrived back in this world again, and now she knew why: Insipid didn't live at the tower like the other sisters did, having instead moved into a penthouse apartment in one of the ritziest buildings in one of the ritziest districts in all of New Pandemonium. And it was paid for entirely with her own money, not the trust fund that Havoc lived on and used to buy the Rockets.

And dang, the apartment was nice. Rainbow had visited a few of the well-to-do apartments in Canterlot and Manehattan, and apart from the fanciest of the fancy they just didn't compare to this. There was plenty of room to do pretty much whatever a pony could want to do with all that space, and there were plenty of rooms to do pretty much whatever a pony could want to do with all those rooms.

There was an entertainment room complete with a bar, a dining room, a huge kitchen, a drawing room, a study, three guest bedrooms, Insipid's huge master bedroom—seriously, it was bigger than Twilight's room at the royal palace back home—as well as an exercise room, a "runway" room that Insipid used to test out new outfits, and a large outdoor area complete with a pool. The outdoor area was currently off-limits because of the sandstorm, obviously, and Insipid had needed to seal up the shutters to protect the glass, but still, it was there.

Rainbow had mostly tuned out parts of the conversation the others were having until all of a sudden she was drawn into it when Insipid asked, "So, Rainbow, Curie tells me you're, like, some sort of… stunt flyer? Or something like that?"

Rainbow immediately sat up straight so that nopony thought that she'd been ignoring them. "Uh, yeah, that's right. I fly with the Wonderbolts. Second-Lieutenant Rainbow Dash, at your service."

"Ooh, cool! You've got a rank and stuff like Havoc does. Er, did." Insipid gave a little shrug and a tight-lipped smile, then took a sip of her lemonade. "What's that like, anyhow? Stunt flying, I mean? We don't have anything like that around here, and like, the stunt flyers they have in Hope's Point use airships and junk to fly. You fly without one?"

"Yup, I fly au naturel."

Insipid held up a hoof, still keeping that same tight-lipped smile and looking like she was trying not to giggle. "Hold on a sec, I didn't know you spoke Romantique. Je suis impressionné. Pourquoi ne… ne l'avez-vous… pas dit plus tôt?"

"Uh… what?"

Insipid glanced at Curaçao. "Did I not get that right?"

Curaçao smiled and continued sipping from her own lemonade. "Oui, c'était bien. But Rainbow is not, ah, fluent in the language. 'Au naturel' is a 'loan' saying from Romantique that can easily be understood even if one doesn't speak the language."

Insipid nodded in understanding. "Ah, I get it. Like avant garde and carte blanche?"

"Oui, exactly like those."

"Right, right. My bad, I made an assumption, and you all know what they say about assuming. 'Don't do it'."

"I don't think that's the saying," said Shroud with a smirk.

Insipid grinned. "It is when there're sweet little fillies present. Cha."

Shroud laughed and tousled her daughter's mane. "Fair enough."

"Mommy, don't mess up my mane!" squeaked little Jellybean as she protected her mane from the assault. "Mama worked hard to make it look nice!"

"Oh, do not give Mommy a hard time mon trésor," Curaçao tutted.

Rainbow coughed gently to get the group's attention; she saw an opportunity and she was gonna fly with it. "So, uh, I've got a question, Curie, if you don't mind my asking."

Curaçao raised an eyebrow but did not respond for a second or two, then just grinned and nodded. "Ah, I believe I know what it is."

"You do? But I haven't even asked it yet."

"Oui, but you jumped in at such a particular moment that I feel it is only obvious. We have spoken many times in the past several days, but you have never asked me permission to ask a question until now, when Jellybean became a point of interest. Simple deductive reasoning."

Rainbow blinked; she knew Curaçao was smart, but not detective smart. "Uh… I mean, yeah, that's right, but—"

"Go on, though, ask your question."

Rainbow scratched her head. "Right. Okay. So, uh… what's the deal there? 'Cause she looks just like both of you, but unless you guys got really lucky and found an exact lookalike or something, I'm just not getting it. How'd that work out?"

Curaçao's answer was short and simple: "I am a shapeshifter."

"Well, yeah, I know that. You showed off your power and everything." Rainbow smirked. "It was kind of cool seeing another me walking around for a few seconds there, actually. You're pretty good at that. It's like the changelings we have back home, but like, you're not all insect-y. So what does that have to do with it?"

"You and Pinkie have told me about these 'changelings', oui, and the resemblance is uncanny. I also have a limitation that they do not, I think; I cannot alter my shape too dramatically, and I lack the ability to use magic as a unicorn, or to fly as effectively as a pegasus.

"However, without knowledge of other aspects of their shapeshifting qualities, I will make an educated guess and say that their…" She paused, glanced at Jellybean—who was currently somewhat distracted with the straw of her juice box—then returned her look to Rainbow. "Their reproductive habits likely still have 'insect-y' qualities to them."

Rainbow's eyes widened and she nodded. "You mean like how they lay eggs?"

"Oui."

"Well then, yeah, that's a thing. I've seen what the inside of a changeling hive looks like, before and after the big switchover, and either way there's a lot of stuff that makes me think of bugs. I don't know how all that works and I don't wanna know. But what does that have to do with you?"

Curaçao smirked. "I am not an insect, Rainbow. My shapeshifting maintains all of my pony qualities, just in a new form."

"Yeah, and…?"

"That includes any… anatomy required, should I take on the form of a stallion." She glanced at Shroud, who turned bright red and averted her gaze. "Fully functional, oui, ma petite framboise?"

Shroud nodded but did not look at her wife; her face was redder than her mane. "Yup! F-fully functional."

Rainbow glanced between the two, trying her best to connect the dots. Then, the gears clicked. "Oh." Then those gears clicked again. "Oh!" And one more time. "Ohhh. So, you, uh— You had a, y'know— And you put it— And it worked just like—" She shook her head and held up her hooves. "You're serious, right? You can actually do that?"

Curaçao gestured at little Jellybean, and her smirk was so cocky that Rainbow was just a little envious that anypony could make a smirk look that cocky besides herself. "Well, without a demonstration, I think that I can only provide our daughter much proof, oui? Voilà."

Insipid nodded sagely. "That's another 'loan' word, by the way. Cha."

Curaçao then sat upright; Rainbow could hear a slight ringing in the air. She put her hoof to her ear and spoke to nopony in particular, "Oui, go ahead." A pause. "Quoi? Right now?" Another pause. "Non, it is no trouble, I will be there shortly. Do not inform Miss Dawn until I say so."

"Trouble?" asked Shroud.

"Non, but important, potentially troubling information has apparently been uncovered and my presence is needed to look it over. I want to make sure that I am involved before Dawn…" She took a deep breath and took her wife's hooves in her own. "Pardonne-moi mon amour, mais je dois partir."

"That's alright, we'll go along with you," Shroud said with a smile and a nod. "I've got some work to get done myself, and I think Jellybean's done with lunch, aren't you sweetheart?"

The little filly nodded and set down her juice box. "I'm done! Can I go watch Pretty Princess Adventures?"

"Of course! You can watch it with Mommy while she does her computer work, yeah? Like a good little filly?"

"Yeah! Pretty Princess time!"

The couple and their daughter rose from their seats and grabbed their things. Curaçao turned to Rainbow and Insipid. "My apologies to both of you for cutting this short."

"It's fine, Curie," Insipid said with a smile. "You've got work to do, so you do you! I wish I could be, like, getting calls to go do some important work and junk right now." She pouted. "Stupid sandstorm. Stupid lockdown."

Curaçao turned to Rainbow. "Would you like to come back with us?"

Rainbow shook her head. "Nah, that's fine. I haven't finished up lunch anyway, and there's not a lot to do back at the tower 'til Havoc and Pinkie are finished up with the stuff they're doing. I'll let somepony know when I need a ride back."

Incidentally, the group hadn't come to Insipid's apartment through what could be called "normal" means. They'd taken a chariot here, sure, but the chariot had been operated by unicorns instead of the earth ponies or pegasi that Rainbow was used to seeing, and they maintained a protective shield around themselves and the chariot the entire ride over. It was part of the lockdown procedure; she and Havoc had used the same service to get to the skyball stadium yesterday.

Insipid perked up and leaned over to give Rainbow a little side-hug; ooh, her perfume smelled nice up close. "Cool! I've never really spent time with Dash before. This'll be totally fun."

Curaçao smiled. "Well, alright then. Au revoir for now."

"It was nice meeting you Missus Dashie!" said Jellybean with a wave.

"You too, kiddo," Dash said with a wave back.

The happy little family took their leave, and Rainbow now found herself alone with Insipid, something she never thought would have ever happened in even her wildest imaginations. It was so… bizarre to think about. Okay, maybe not so bizarre; it wasn't any different than the few times she and Rarity spent time together, just the two of them… but those were few and far between enough that yeah, it made less sense in Insipid's case.

They just didn't have anything in common.

"They're a cute couple, yeah?" Insipid asked, sipping from her lemonade.

Rainbow blinked; she hadn't been expecting a question so soon, and definitely not that. "Huh?"

"Those two. A cute couple, right? Shroud and Curie?"

"Oh! Oh, yeah. I mean, sure, they're pretty great together from what little of it I've seen so far." Rainbow shrugged. "But I don't usually judge other couples unless it's like, super obvious that it's an unhealthy relationship, and I've… never actually seen anything like that, to be honest. But that's just how things are back home, I guess."

"Ah. Yeah, I guess that was kind of how Rarity described things where you're from. At least as far as, like, actual marriages and junk." Insipid shook her head sadly. "Rarity never talked very highly of her own relationships."

"I don't really involve myself much in her love-life, to be honest," Rainbow scoffed. "She's got specific tastes or whatever, and her standards are just way too high. Nopony's that perfect."

"Hmm." Insipid shrugged and took a bite of one of the little sandwiches, cream cheese and cucumber it looked like. "I'm happy for my sister. Y'know, when we were first born and junk, I really looked up to Curie. I mean, I still do, for sure, but like, I also look up to Rarity a lot. Cha. They're both so pretty and smart and funny and just… perfect."

"Hey, I getcha, everypony's gotta have a role model. I've looked up to Captain Spitfire since I was in middle school."

"Oh yeah, you never finished your story earlier, about your flying," Insipid said with a slight smirk. "So like, you fly au naturel, I get it. That means you fly naked and junk, right?"

Rainbow snorted into her lemonade, then pulled back and laughed. "Ha ha ha, no, nothing like that. We might not have the whole nudity taboo you guys have around here, but the Wonderbolts still fly with flight suits like this." She tugged at the fabric of her suit gently. "It's aerodynamic, weather and wind-resistant, not to mention they look cool as all heck."

"And you look amazing in it, by the way," Insipid said with a confident nod, lifting her glass just a little.

"Huh?"

"It really brings out your muscle tone and junk, duh. Is that thing skin-tight?"

Rainbow tugged the fabric again. "Not quite, no, not if it fits right. It needs a little bit of give so that it doesn't cut off circulation in the wings."

"Makes sense. And like, it probably breathes really well too, right?"

"Oh sure, it keeps out the elements but it's not suffocating. I still sweat up a storm in this sucker when I'm really getting a workout going, but it could be a lot worse."

"Hoof-wash only?"

Rainbow tilted her head. "Uh, yeah, it is."

Insipid nodded sagely. "If you want, you can, like, leave that here and I'll loan you something for the night. Come pick it up tomorrow and junk; I'll have it washed by then."

Rainbow blinked. "Are… did you just offer to wash my clothes?"

"Psh, no. I offered to have my housekeeper wash your clothes. Duh." Insipid rolled her eyes and playfully slapped Dash's chest. "Don't be a dummy, dummy."

"But… why?"

"Because I know you're not gonna do it yourself and like, I don't want you putting it back on when it's dirty and junk. Talk about a crime against fashion; sweaty, smelly clothes are a huge no-no. Rarity would totally do the same, right?"

Rainbow scratched her head. "Well, yeah, she would, but—"

"But but but, no 'but's! If you, like, don't want me to or whatever, fine, but I'm offering all the same. Cha."

Rainbow shrugged. "Well, sure, why not? It won't hurt to get it cleaned if you're offering, 'cause you're right, I wasn't gonna wash it myself until we all got home. Wonderbolts HQ has staff members that take care of that kind of stuff."

"Good. So! You don't fly naked, got it."

"Well, I do unless I'm doing a flight routine. We're naked all the time back home. Rarity told you that, right?"

"Ah, that's right. I totally forgot all about that." Insipid's eyes briefly flicked up and down Rainbow's form, then she nodded coolly as the conversation got back on topic. "What's flying for a stunt team like? Is it anything like skyball? 'Cause I know that you and Havoc, like, used to play skyball together and junk."

"It's kind of hard to explain to a unicorn," Rainbow said, scratching her cheek. "Sorry."

"Okay, that's fair. I mean, you can give it a try if you'd like though. Maybe you're better at explaining it than what I'm used to hearing."

"'Used to hearing'?"

"Oh! Well, I've dated a couple of skyball players before and I totally asked them what it's like playing skyball. They didn't really give me a lot of, like, details, or whatever, so I'm still not exactly sure what it's like and junk, but I've always wanted to know." She tilted her head back and forth. "Okay, maybe not, like, skyball necessarily. Just flying in general, really."

Rainbow raised an eyebrow. "You wanna know what it's like to fly?"

"Yeah! From somepony who's, like, a professional and junk. 'Cause I mean, I could ask Gray or Havoc or whatever, but Gray doesn't fly too much and Havoc's too busy. I don't really have many pegasus friends that do a lot of flying—the wind ruins make-up, duh—and the few pegasus coltfriends I've had aren't very…" She paused to think a moment. "Forthcoming."

Rainbow blinked; she'd heard the other mare talk years ago and even a bit today, and had always assumed she was just some airhead with a nice butt that followed along with Rarity's fashion dreams because it was the only thing she liked enough to have any brains in. She regretted thinking that way after the fact; it wasn't nice to think of any pony like that.

But now, Insipid was sounding… well, not smart—she was no Twilight Sparkle—but certainly smarter. It was impressive, actually. Rarity would get a kick out of it when they met up again, whenever that would be.

"Okay, I guess I can give it a shot," Rainbow said with a shrug. "To be honest, Pinkie used to ask me the same thing back when we first met, before we started dating. And after we started dating, too. It was a lot easier to just, y'know, show her, let her experience it herself."

Insipid's eyes widened. "Oooh, that sounds cool. Aww, but I couldn't ask you to do that for me."

"Right, because of the sandstorm."

Insipid tilted her head. "Well, yeah… uh-duh, of course that makes a difference. But I was, like, referring to the fact that it sounds pretty intimate, flying around with another pony like that. Only something you'd do with your special somepony."

"I mean… not always. Sometimes you gotta fly a friend somewhere they need to be in a hurry when they can't walk, or whatever. Havoc carried Twilight half-way across the city to help us get help for Pinkie last time we were here, but it's not like they're intimate. That I know of, anyway." A grin came to her lips. "Heh. That would be a weird couple."

Insipid nodded sagely. "Right, right, okay, makes sense. So, like, it wouldn't be weird if I asked you?"

"Well… no, not really. As long as you don't make it weird. 'Cause it can be pretty intimate depending on how I hold you and stuff. There're lots of… guidelines, I guess, about how stuff like that works. It's not something pegasi just do casually."

"Aha, I get it. Oh well." Insipid shrugged and returned to sipping her lemonade. "Maybe when the sandstorm clears up we can talk about it?"

"Uh, sure, I guess. You really wanna know what flying feels like that bad?"

"For. Sure. I imagine it's, like, the same for you wanting to know what it's like to use magic and junk?"

Rainbow tilted her head. "Y'know, I've never actually given it much thought. Magic doesn't really interest me like that. But I guess I can see why a unicorn or earth pony would want to fly. Flying is pretty rad."

"Super rad. Totally." Insipid sipped her lemonade again, after making a pointed display of refilling her glass, like it was a sign that the conversation was about to shift. "So like, you and Pinkie are married and stuff now? That's so cool. I'm super happy for you; I could tell that you two had something, like, special and junk. Cha."

"Oh, well thank you." Rainbow chuckled and rubbed the back of her head. "Yeah, it was a long time coming, especially after dating her for so long. Rarity kept poking me about when I was gonna pop the question for like two years before I finally did."

Insipid shook her head. "Tsk tsk, I'm gonna have to talk with Rarity if she was pestering you about it. That's super not-cool. There's no need to rush somepony into that kind of stuff. You're, like, ready when you're ready."

"Oh hey, don't worry about it. She was really subtle about it; I didn't even notice she was doing it until after Pinkie and I got hitched and Rarity said she'd been doing it. Ooh, maybe it was like subliminal messages?"

"Oh. Well that's okay then, subtle hints are totally legit." Insipid rolled her eyes. "Unless they're not quite subtle enough. Then they're major unfresh."

"Huh?"

Insipid sipped her lemonade again. "Oh my stars, you think two years is bad? Try, like, six. And try six years when you, like, know you're being pestered about it and junk. Ugh. Gag me with a spoon."

"Huh?" Rainbow was lost, but she kind of understood. Maybe. "Are you saying folks are giving you grief about not getting married to your coltfriend?"

"Psh, I wish."

"Aaand, I'm lost again. Wuh?"

Insipid set her glass down and put her hooves together. "If I was getting bugged to, like, tie the knot with my coltfriend, I'd be a little more okay with it, or whatever. But like, I don't have a coltfriend for anypony to bug me about like that. So instead, they always bug me about the fact that I don't have a steady coltfriend."

Rainbow couldn't help herself. "Wow. You and Rarity really do have a lot in common. I think she's been in the same boat for a lot longer than six years, though." She tapped her chin in thought. "Shoot, Prince Blueblood was… wow, ten years ago? So it's been at least that long."

Insipid frowned. "Aww… poor Rarity, still? Well, I'm sure she'll find somepony who treats her like a queen eventually. But she doesn't have the same problem that I do, 'cause like, her standards are so high and junk that, like, I think she just sets herself up to fail, or whatever."

"That's… actually pretty insightful," Rainbow snickered; Insipid had summed up Rarity's entire relationship history with one sentence. Amazing. "What's your problem, then? Just can't find the right dude or something?"

"No! Urgh! It's so frustrating," Insipid huffed, pouting like a filly half her age. "It's not fair. I'm doing everything right, but nothing seems to work. None of them really 'click', y'know? It doesn't matter if we have, like, the same interests and get along and all that, and even when the sex is good it's just not enough. Velvet said that that would be enough! But it's not!"

Rainbow resisted the urge to roll her eyes; she hated talking about relationships most of the time—hearing Rarity whine about her latest failure always made her space out—and she'd only let it get this far because she honestly couldn't think of anything else to talk to Insipid about.

But now it was getting interesting. She supposed she shouldn't have assumed that Insipid wasn't sexually active, but it was still weird hearing confirmation of it. Normally even then she wouldn't be interested, but, well, Insipid wasn't bad to look at and hearing her talk about her sex life might be kind of fun.

"When you say they don't 'click', what do you mean?" Rainbow asked, leaning back in her seat and grabbing her lemonade; she figured she should get comfortable for this. Too bad there wasn't any popcorn.

"It's like, if we were different pieces of a puzzle, we're just not, like, the pieces that snap together to help make the big picture and junk," Insipid said; the statement was surprisingly clear and philosophical. "I've dated musicians, actors, producers, directors, athletes, photographers, and more! You name it, I've tried dating it. Cha.

"All of them were stallions with successful careers, bright futures, big pocketbooks, and good connections, just like I'm supposed to be looking for. A few of them were fun to be around and junk, a lot of them were pretty good kissers, and some of them were even totally amazing lovers. But even if they were allll of those things… it just didn't 'click'. There was always something… I dunno, missing. Or whatever."

Rainbow raised an eyebrow. There was something about this that seemed just a little off, because if Insipid was right about it then what was the problem? She herself had "clicked" with a few mares over the years before meeting Pinkie, and they only broke it off because Rainbow didn't want to settle down; she was too fast to stay put. Pinkie had fought tooth and nail to keep Dash tied down… uh, literally at one point.

Then, the gears popped into place and she figured out what the commonality in everything was. "Insipid, here's a question for you," she said, setting her glass down so that Insipid knew she was being serious. "All of the ponies you dated were stallions, right?"

Insipid tilted her head. "Yeah, why? They're supposed to be. That's what mares are supposed to do in the industry: attach themselves to a big-name stallion and form, like, a power couple. It happens all the time." She shrugged. "I mean, they say that the fashion industry is 'open-minded', but the general public definitely isn't yet."

"So you've never dated a mare?"

"Nooo? I'm at the point in my career—have been for a while—that I'm supposed to be trying to, like, find a stallion to marry. Foals are optional of course, but they draw a lot of publicity and junk. To be honest, I'm not really okay with that part; I can't imagine bringing a foal into the world to use as, like, a publicity stunt. That sounds… ech, slimy."

"Word. I just can't help but notice that you're not clicking with any of these stallions, even though you say they're all perfect and stuff. And you never said if you found any of them attractive, either."

"Huh? I didn't?"

"Nope."

Insipid scratched her cheek. "Huh. Well, I mean, I did. Find them attractive, I mean. Everypony else said they were attractive, so that means they were. Right? I mean, my standards aren't like Rarity's or whatever, but like, I know what's considered 'hot' in the industry, duh."

"Oh sure sure, but were you attracted to them?"

Insipid blinked. "They were all attractive—"

"That's not what I asked."

"I… I mean… yes? No? Maybe? I don't know! Everypony said they were hot! A lot of them were in, like, magazines and junk, pretty high up there in the yearly Sexiest Stallion Alive polls and everything! I didn't date anypony that wasn't attractive."

"You keep in touch with any of 'em?"

"I mean, yeah? A couple of 'em here and there are still friends with me. We just decided it worked out that way; they're great friends and I love 'em, but, y'know, not like I wanted to or they wanted."

Rainbow shook her head. "And you don't know if you found them attractive or if you were attracted to them, right?"

"I… guess not? I don't know, this is…" Insipid shook her head and pouted again, looking a little miffed. "What's your point, Rainbow?"

Rainbow steeled herself; this was the kicker question that would determine if she was right… maybe. It wouldn't necessarily prove anything, but there was a good chance it would. There was a saying back home, originally coined by Ace Tailwind, one of the greatest skyball players who'd ever played the game: "You miss one hundred percent of the shots you don't take."

Words to live by.

"Do you find me attractive?" Rainbow asked, leaning back and gesturing at herself.

Insipid raised an eyebrow and briefly eyed Rainbow up and down; not too briefly, there was some lingering, but not enough to be rude. "I mean, yeah? You've got a great muscle tone and some killer legs. Pinkie nabbed herself a catch."

Okay, this was good, this was putting things on the right path. Rainbow was pretty sure that she was barking up the right tree at this point, but she needed to be sure. "How about any of the other mares you know? Do you find any of them attractive?"

Insipid tilted her head. "I mean, duh. I work in fashion, honey. All of the mares are attractive—"

"I mean, do any of them… do anything for you?"

Insipid went to speak, then paused and seemed to actually consider that for a moment. Her eyes widened and she nodded briefly. "Now that you mention it, I mean, I've always thought Ivory was super hot."

"Who's Ivory?"

"Ivory Charm. Hang on, I've got an old poster of hers from when she was working up here. I got it autographed and everything on a fashion tour a few years ago. Cha."

Insipid left the table and went down the hallway into one of the other rooms, then returned with a poster—framed!—of the mare in question.

Ivory was a white unicorn mare, tall with a thin figure, and with a long pink mane and tail that just flowed all around her. She reminded Rainbow of somepony… a friend of Rarity's. Fleur something? In the poster she was wearing a skin-tight black ensemble and holding… a leash? That was attached to a grinning stallion? Who she was stepping on? What kind of poster was—

Oh, it was an ad for perfume. Of course it was.

"She was a supermodel up here for years, left a little while before I was born, or whatever, and moved down to Hope's Point with her husband," Insipid explained. "She works as a promoter and producer nowadays; she doesn't have the energy to model all the time anymore, and she self-admitted she doesn't have the eyes for, like, design work."

Insipid then let out a happy sigh and ran her hoof along the frame. "I based my entire career off of hers. Hence the husband thing; everypony says she only, like, really started making waves after getting married to Virtuoso."

"And you think she's hot?" Rainbow asked, openly gawking at the poster. This was the sort of poster she'd have had in her room back in high school, right next to or over her bed. Maybe not exactly that kind of poster but close enough.

Insipid nodded firmly. "Oh, for sure. She's the hottest pony in the whole world. I mean, everypony else says that too, so it's not like it's just me. I mean, you look at her and tell me she's not smoking hot. You can't! If you do, you're a liar."

Rainbow tapped her hooves together. "No, she's smoking hot for sure. But you do think she's hot? Like, you do, you're not just saying that 'cause other ponies are telling you to, right? And I don't mean like you just think she is hot, I mean, does she make you feel a bit, y'know, tingly?"

Insipid leaned back in thought, then her eyes went wide and she looked at the ground. "Oh wow, uh… yeah, I do. I remember when I first met her and everything, I was super nervous and my heart was racing in my chest and everything. I thought it was just nerves 'cause I was meeting my idol, not because I was attracted to her. She was even pregnant at the time and she was still gorgeous."

"I mean, I think that pretty much settles it," Rainbow said with a confident grin.

"What does? Settles what?"

Rainbow sighed and set her hoof on Insipid's shoulder. "Insipid, I know how you feel. I do. I used to think there was something wrong with me too, way way back when I was younger. Sure, it was just middle school, but colts just weren't doing anything for me. Fillies, though, they got my attention."

"Wait…" Insipid's eyes widened. "You think… you think I'm gay? I can't be gay, Dash, I've only ever been with stallions before!"

"I'm not gonna outright say it. But I mean, unless the perfect stallion just hasn't come along in six years of trying, and unless you're lying about what you said about me and Ivory, then yeah, I think you might like mares, not stallions. Just because that's all you had before doesn't mean it was the right path." Rainbow shrugged. "I'm kind of an authority on the subject."

Insipid held her head in her hooves. "Oh my stars. This… this changes everything. How am I, like, gonna find a cute mare to date? I don't even know what to look for in a mare. I spent years perfecting my techniques for finding a stallion. Everything from what to say to get them interested, to what to look for in a partner, to what to do in the bedroom! I can't start fresh just like that! Cha!"

"It's not that hard, really. Just look for the same things you looked for before in a stallion and look for those things in a mare. Like if they're successful and have money or whatever, since you said that was a big deal. Find a mare like that that you like, and you're off to a good start. I'm sure there're lots of 'em in the modeling world, yeah?"

Insipid rubbed her chin and nodded. "Yeah, I guess so. I don't suppose it would hurt to… experiment a little. Lace and Lapel did say the industry is open-minded, so like, if you're wrong or whatever, I guess we can like, spin it as… as a phase."

"Being gay isn't a phase—" Rainbow started.

Insipid immediately waved her hooves in front of her face. "Sorry! Sorry! Wrong word, that's… I didn't mean anything. I just mean that if you're wrong and I'm not gay, I can still, like, not worry about hurting my career with this."

Rainbow grunted and crossed her hooves over her chest. "And if I am right?"

"Then… then I guess that's the new me, right? The real me? I can redefine my image." Insipid nodded confidently. "Definitely. I'm still young and hot and successful. It's not unheard of in the industry to rebrand yourself. Not as common for it to stick, but hey, that's fashion for you. Trends and junk, go figure."

"Well, good. I think. Sorry if I flipped your world upside down for a bit there, but I was just listening to ya and everything sounded a little off, y'know? I mean, I'll be honest, I'm not saying you are for sure. Heck, you might just be bi and didn't realize it 'cause you were focused on what you thought was the right thing to do."

Insipid nodded. "Yeah, I guess when you look at it that way it all makes sense. Shoot, I wish I'd have known sooner. Thanks for, like, the insight, or whatever."

"Don't mention it."

Rainbow then gulped; she hadn't been planning on asking this or even getting this far, but when Insipid had said she found her attractive, well, that just opened up the window, just a crack, a crack big enough to fit through. Pinkie would probably want to shake Rainbow's hoof if this worked. And as the saying went, you missed one hundred percent of the shots you didn't take.

"And, uh… y'know, if you want any tips or anything, you can always come to me and Pinkie for help," she suggested, leaning back just a little and trying to look as casual as possible.

Insipid raised an eyebrow. "'Tips'?"

"Yeah. Y'know. Tips."

Insipid paused, then her eyes widened and she nodded in understanding. "Ah. You mean sex tips." She tapped her chin. "You have a point, I've never really been with a mare in the bedroom before. Velvet helped me learn what to do to please a stallion, and she's an expert in that field, sooo… since you and Pinkie would know your stuff…"

Rainbow smirked and scuffed her hoof on her chest. "Yeah, you could say that. I'd have to check with Pinkie first, but I just know that she'll be more than fine with helping you out—"

"Deal."

Rainbow's eyes widened. "Huh?"

"Deal." Insipid stood up, nodding firmly as she did so. "Head back to the tower and talk it over with Pinkie, then let me know if we're on for tonight; we should strike while the iron's hot, or whatever. If we are, you two will meet me here for dinner first, because of course, so bring an appetite. Not a big one; it'll be lighter fare. You like strawberries? Of course you do. Cha. We'll work out the details from there. Deal?"

Rainbow blinked, stunned. "Wow, you're serious. Y-yeah, it's a deal. I wasn't expecting—"

"I'm not a vulnerable little prude, honey, so if you were expecting me to be all hesitant and meek and junk, or whatever it is you were expecting, well… surprise." Insipid turned and started for the hallway, then gestured towards the front door. "Pinkie's waiting, Dashie. Don't keep me waiting."

As Insipid sashayed away and showed off exactly why she was such an outrageously popular model, Rainbow made a beeline for the door faster than she'd ever moved outside of a Sonic Rainboom.

*****

Curaçao arrived at the sixty-third floor of Pandora Tower about an hour after she'd originally received the phone call summoning her, which meant that she'd made pretty good time getting here; she's shifted her dress back into her formalwear—a black jacket over a black blouse and skirt—so that she could conduct proper business with her employees.

The ponies that worked on this floor were the best forensics analysts in the field, sniped from prior careers with the CIA or NPPD to work here at Pandora Tower; some of them were still on staff from when Silvertongue had hired them, others had left and been replaced since by Curaçao using her father's exacting standards.

The lead scientist on the team in question today greeted her as soon as she got off the elevator. Doctor Bunsen Burner had been on the team since Silvertongue was around, a green-coated unicorn stallion whose hairline had receded years ago; he'd resorted to shaving it all off and didn't bother with a toupée, and since he was always in a long lab coat nopony knew what color his tail was. He also wore a large pair of glasses that were so blurry that nopony could see his eyes behind him, almost cartoonishly so.

"Missus Curaçao, welcome to the labs," he greeted with a pleasantly higher-pitched tone. "I don't think that you've ever visited us formally, have you?"

Curaçao shook her head. "Non, this is my first time making a trip to your floor in person. Forgive me if this seems rude, Doctor Burner, but I don't have time for formalities. I want to see your findings before Miss Dawn requests your nightly status report."

He nodded in understanding; Silvertongue himself would have been just as politely dismissive and so he'd be used to it. "Of course, of course. I think you'll find that it was worth the rush over here, mmhmm. Follow me, please."

She followed along behind him to one of the analysis labs, which was filled with all sorts of tools and devices that Curaçao was faintly familiar with but was no expert on. Their functions were unimportant; what was important was the object resting on the table in the center of the room: an oddly-shaped dagger made of an obsidian-like material with a common metal hilt.

The same dagger had been used in an attempt to murder Red Velvet, her sister, only a couple of weeks ago, and had been here in the labs ever since under intense scrutiny for every possible detail that could be discovered about it. Until today, nothing of note had come across Curaçao's desk; the dagger's material was unknown to the analysts, which was a problem, and finding out more information had proven difficult.

"I must apologize for the delays in finding results worth reporting," Doctor Burner said as he gestured for Curaçao to stand opposite him at the table. "This material, as you suggested, is more than just magic-resistant. It is not merely impervious to magic, either, but is more of a magical… vampire, to use a term that my staff has coined."

"A magical 'vampire'?" she asked, eyebrow raised.

"Yes, oh yes indeed. It's quite fascinating. Your report mentioned that when Director Underhoof's magical field interacted with the blade of the dagger, she seemed incapable of using her magic for several minutes. We replicated the results with our own staff, and proved a hypothesis: direct contact magnifies the effect, and elongated exposure magnifies it further."

Curaçao hummed into her hoof. "So were the blade to touch the horn of a unicorn, it would disable their magic for longer than a few minutes. How long?"

"A single second of contact disables the subject's magic for roughly thirty minutes, and it increases at a steadily-growing rate for every additional second. Two seconds lasts longer than an hour and four seconds last nearly five hours, if you'll forgive the inexact figures. Rough estimates are acceptable for proof-of-concept, I feel, as these are assuming an average-strength unicorn. There is room for variance."

"Oui, agreed. Is there a method of preventing this 'vampire' effect, of shielding a unicorn from having their magic drained?"

Burner shook his head. "Aside from avoiding either direct contact or even contact with one's magical field, no. The material is positively tenacious. Luckily, a material as thin as, say, a sheet of paper will suffice in blocking its effect, so long as it does not penetrate the defensive layer."

"That is a relief, then. Armor would serve a purpose in that regard."

"Indeed it would." He gestured at some of the equipment nearby. "However, ensure that the armor is entirely mundane and uses no technomagic devices, such as the NPAF's standard body armor, which has all multitudes of monitoring and temperature-regulating functions installed."

"This material affects technomagic?" Curaçao asked, legitimately surprised.

"Catastrophically so, yes. A unicorn regains their magic over time, you see, much as any pony recovers their strength if given a moment's rest." Burner shook his head. "A technomagic device runs on battery power, in a manner of speaking; the material saps the battery's 'juice' at the same rate that it would with regular magic or direct contact, whichever the case may be."

"Ah, a shame. That was one of the defenses I had hoped to use." Her eyes widened. "Oh my… what would happen if this material came into contact with the city's power grid?"

Burner took a breath and rubbed the back of his neck. "I don't know if it's potent enough to cause a total blackout, but it would certainly have a devastating effect. Backup generators would come online, of course, and those run on mundane methods such as geothermal power, but there's no telling how far the effect could reach. Would it also sap the technomagic energy from all devices connected to the grid?"

He pointed specifically at the machines in the room. "It does not seem to go the other way around. These devices were shorted out by the material during examination, but it had no effect on the tower's power grid or that of the city beyond, so… perhaps that is one relief, hmm?"

"Just one, so far. All very crucial traits of the material to know for combatting it." Curaçao sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose. "And have we determined exactly what the material is? Where does it come from?"

Bunsen's mouth curled in a curious grin. "That, Missus Curaçao, is the most interesting thing to date. The 'where' is of little consequence and was easy to determine: the Redblade Mountains. Traces of volcanic ash were found at the microscopic level. Likely it comes from the central regions as the concentration of carbon in the particles we found was quite high."

"Then I at least know where to search for whomever crafted this weapon," Curaçao said with a firm nod. "A shame that we have to wait for the sandstorm to clear. What else?"

"Oh ho ho, wait until you hear this. Our team found traces of DNA in the material."

Curaçao frowned. "Doctor, this weapon was used to stab my sister. Of course it has DNA on it—"

"Ah ah, we knew that, naturally. We accounted for Miss Velvet's DNA being present as well as that of the assailant who wielded the weapon, and were able to remove them from the pool. There are also faint traces of other potential contacts, but the strands were too deteriorated to even hope for a match."

"Then what are you getting at?"

"The DNA we found, Missus Curaçao… it wasn't pony DNA. At least not any pony I've ever encountered before."

"Quoi? Then what? A zebra? Why would a zebra be so far north… and in the Redblade Mountains? Non, that makes no sense."

"Indeed, and that's just it: it's not a zebra either. Zebras and ponies have similarities in their DNA structures, but we are distant enough from each other compared to any common ancestor that we may have had that it is easy to tell the difference. Yet, oddly close enough to allow cross-breeding."

"So I have heard. Get to the point."

Burner grinned wide. "The DNA we found was not that of a pony, but was very similar. According to estimates and analytics of the DNA strand similarities to pony DNA, it suggests a common ancestor no more than a thousand years ago, potentially less. But it is not pony DNA, that much is an absolute certainty."

Curaçao stared wide-eyed at the dagger, then at Burner. "Then what is this material, Doctor?"

Doctor Burner used his hooves and mundane tools to forcibly pry the blade of the dagger off of the metal hilt; it had been done before and replaced, obviously, as there seemed to be very little effort involved. Burner then gestured at the base of the blade, which extended downwards into where the hilt would have been, but only just barely.

"The DNA strands were in higher concentration at the base," he said. "This suggests that the material was a part of another creature and was forcibly removed, and most likely violently. Theories range from the talon or claw of some sort of animal, but my theory is that this… is a horn. There are fragments of bone here; skull fragments."

Curaçao eyed the material carefully, eyes wide with wonder and confusion. "A horn from what, Doctor?"

He shook his head. "I do not know, Missus Curaçao, but if my theory is correct… well, let us just say that whoever or whatever this horn belonged to did not give it up willingly. Removing the horn of a unicorn in such a way is fatal, without question. Considering the blade's size and shape, the horn possibly belongs to an adult pony-sized creature… so I do not imagine it is still alive."

"No… I imagine not." Curaçao gave Doctor Burner a curt nod. "Deliver the report to Miss Dawn at the usual time, Doctor. In the meantime, I have work to do."

"Might I ask what work, Missus Curaçao?"

She started out of the room, stopping only to turn and address his question. "Finding the sick bastards responsible for this. Adieu."

Comments

[majikvibes]

I THOROUGHLY enjoyed this chapter - lots of fun all the way through :)

[RoboRed]

Pinkie organizing a surprise party for Red was extraordinarily wholesome.
And man, oh man...Pedigree and Red being an item. He has gone such a massively different way from the other timeline.

Insipid's certainly gotten a lot smarter in the past few years. Elevator still occasionally doesn't reach the top floor with her, though.

Rainbow smirked and scuffed her hoof on her chest. "Yeah, you could say that. I'd have to check with Pinkie first, but I just know that she'll be more than fine with helping you out—"

"Deal."

Rainbow's eyes widened. "Huh?"

"Deal." Insipid stood up, nodding firmly as she did so. "Head back to the tower and talk it over with Pinkie, then let me know if we're on for tonight; we should strike while the iron's hot, or whatever. If we are, you two will meet me here for dinner first, because of course, so bring an appetite. Not a big one; it'll be lighter fare. You like strawberries? Of course you do. Cha. We'll work out the details from there. Deal?"

Rainbow blinked, stunned. "Wow, you're serious. Y-yeah, it's a deal. I wasn't expecting—"

"I'm not a vulnerable little prude, honey, so if you were expecting me to be all hesitant and meek and junk, or whatever it is you were expecting, well… surprise." Insipid turned and started for the hallway, then gestured towards the front door. "Pinkie's waiting, Dashie. Don't keep me waiting."

As Insipid sashayed away and showed off exactly why she was such an outrageously popular model, Rainbow made a beeline for the door faster than she'd ever moved outside of a Sonic Rainboom.

Threesome with Rainbow, Pinkie, and Insipid? Oh myyy.

The lead scientist on the team in question today greeted her as soon as she got off the elevator. Doctor Bunsen Burner had been on the team since Silvertongue was around, a green-coated unicorn stallion whose hairline had receded years ago; he'd resorted to shaving it all off and didn't bother with a toupée, and since he was always in a long lab coat nopony knew what color his tail was. He also wore a large pair of glasses that were so blurry that nopony could see his eyes behind him, almost cartoonishly so.

img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20100307212435/muppet/images/7/79/Drbunsen.jpg

"This material affects technomagic?" Curaçao asked, legitimately surprised.

"Ah, a shame. That was one of the defenses I had hoped to use." Her eyes widened. "Oh my… what would happen if this material came into contact with the city's power grid?"

...
...
...Aw, shit.

[Turquoise pony]

I wonder if our esteemed Bunsen Burner has a colleague with Tourette Syndrome who can't help himself but say "meep meep"?😉